The Goodies (TV series)

The Goodies is a British television comedy series shown in the 1970s and early 1980s. Series 1 Tower of London [1.01] Tim: Right, We are 'The Goodies'. Bill: Yes we know that! Tim: And we are... uh... going to do good to people. Bill: How wet! Snooze [1.02] [Graeme is brewing an antidote for his new, improved Snooze formula, which is an extremely powerful sedative. He is documenting his work on a Dictaphone.] Graeme: ...and that should produce the correct antidote. Yes. Now to test it. First, I take a big swig of new improved Snooze... [He drinks from a nearby cup of Snooze.] Graeme: ...and now for the anti... [passes out before he can reach the antidote] Radio Goodies [1.07] Tim: [Graeme has just finished designing a pirate post office] Gosh, that was quick work! Graeme: Well, just like our post office, the quickest, and most efficient in the country. Bill: You're being a bit optomistic, aren't you? Graeme: Well, it's a work of genius. ___________________________________________________________ (The Statue of Liberty moves past the pirate post-office window) Series 2 Scotland [2.01] Tim: [to the suicidal zookeeper they just rescued] We'll be kind and considerate and help you in any way we can, but if you don't tell us what the problem is... Bill: [interrupts] ... we'll chuck you back in the river! Kitten Kong [2.07] Graeme: [Reassuring Tim about Twinkle] It's not a monster, it's a kitten! Anyway, it's time for his vitamin pills. [Pulls out a large pill and opens the cage to find it empty] Graeme: He's gone... someone's taken him! [suddenly attacks Tim, shrieking at him] Graeme: You! YOU! You've done something to him, haven't you? You never liked him! What have you done with my pussy? Tim: [while being shaken violently by Graeme] I haven't touched him! I wouldn't dare go NEAR him! Bill: Oh, it wasn't him; it was me. Graeme: What? Bill: It wasn't him. He's all right, I only put him "out". Graeme: [screams] YOU DID WHAT? Bill: You should always put the cat "out" at night. So I... I did. Graeme: YOU IDIOT! THAT CAT... [grabs and throws away the Bush Baby, which has attached itself to him again] Graeme: THAT CAT IS STILL GROWING! [Runs to get his clothes] Graeme: Come on! We gotta find him, and catch him before he eats someone he shouldn't! Tim: [Amused by Graeme's "slip-up"] Ah! You mean some THING he shouldn't. Graeme: [Voice of Doom] I know what I mean. Tim, Bill: Oh heck... Gender Education [2.11] [In the sex education film that the Goodies have made for young children. A picture of Tim is being displayed] Graeme: [narrating] This is a man. [Picture changes to a shot of some anonymous woman] Graeme: ...And this isn't. [Picture changes to a shot of Tim and the woman standing side-by-side] Graeme: This is a picture of a man and a woman. Do you know what the difference is? Yes, that's right; men are better at football. But, you know, there are other differences, as well... Series 3 The New Office [3.01] [Tim unpacks a curious artifact to decorate his part of the office] Bill: What's that? Tim: An elephant's foot umbrella stand. Bill: [offended] Wha...? El- Elephant's foot? Oh, you're not having that in here. I mean, that's cruel! I'll report you to the RSPCA. Graeme: Oh, leave him alone. Bill: No, I'm not! [Bill mutters something as he opens the door to the foyer and starts tugging at an elephant's trunk] Bill: Come on, in ya come. Right... Tim: Wha... What's that? Bill: Three-legged elephant. [Tim looks aghast] Tim: I just hope it makes you feel guilty. That Old Black Magic [3.04] Tim: So tomorrow night when the owls do hoot and the moon is full, we must journey to the abode of the living dead. Bill: Aw, we're not going to Bognor again, are we? Series 4 Camelot [4.01] Invasion of the Moon Creatures [4.02] Bill & Tim: [as rabbits] Nnnyeeehh! Graeme: [Serves them a whole lot of carrots] There we are eat 'em all up. [Bill and Tim refuse, showing a great dislike for the carrots] Aw c'mon, if you're real rabbits you can't get enough of those. Tim: Course we're not real rabbits. [suddenly realise] Oh, did I say that? Graeme: [Pleased, and slightly cocky by this reaction] It's wearing off isn't it? Bill: No it is not! Graeme: [Adamant] In that case eat your carrots! Bill: Naw, c'mon, even rabbits need a change of diet now and again. Graeme: All right then, 2 tons of lettuces. [Further disgust and refusal from Bill and Tim] Tim: Why not... Fish and chips? Graeme: [Again pleased by the response] It is wearing off isn't it? Tim: No! We're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny. [Bill and Tim raise their arms in a 'Heil Hitler' gesture] Graeme: Aw well, if you're still the sworn servants of Big Bunny, you probably won't want a slice of this delicious pie. [Affirmative murmurs from Bill and Tim, a few words such as "pie?" and "scrummy" can be heard] Graeme: Oh all right, there you are. [serves them slices of pie] Eat up. Nice isn't it? Tim: Great, what is it? Graeme: [triumphantly, as he shows them a pie with rabbit ears sticking out of it] Rabbit pie! Tim: Oh no! You mean like... you made us cannibals? [Feigned sobs from Bill and Tim. The door opens to reveal a rabbit] Big Bunny: Stop! Stop! Bill: Huh? Who said that? Big Bunny: It is I your leader. Bill & Tim: Big Bunny. Graeme: [Indicates Big Bunny] Well? Tim: Well... [Bill and Tim pick up cutlery from the table] Bill & Tim: Dinner! [the two of them chase after Big Bunny,then the end credits start to roll as they chase Big Bunny down the road] Tim: Look, I just need to nip out to the telephone box. Bill: WHAT TELEPHONE BOX? Tim: Er, that one there. [The TARDIS from Doctor Who then flies past] Tim: I once had a pet rabbit. And never did he once tie me to a board and stick carrots in my ears. Series 5 The Movies [5.01] Bill: [after watching their film] Right! I'm gonna get drunk! The film's a failure! I'm gonna drown me sorrows! I'm gonna drink 'till it comes out me eyeballs! I'm gonna get drunk! Lighthouse Keeping Loonies [5.08] Graeme: [the trio finds a song about the Jollyrock Lighthouse in a sea shanty compilation and eagerly start to sing it] Oh the winds they do blow, and the seas they do roar... Tim, Graeme, Bill: [singing] ... when you're stuck on a lighthouse, ten miles from the shore. But you've heard of the Jollyrock, of that I am sure. Go there and your loved ones, will see you no more. Tim, Graeme, Bill: [singing, suddenly worried] Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it if I was you. Graeme: [singing] So away from the Jollyrock I advise you to race. Tim: It's utterly appalling... [confused] and not at all nace? Bill: [singing, worried] For nasty things happen there, it's such a disgrace... Tim, Graeme, Bill: [singing, now really worried] 'Cause people get killed there all over the place! OH, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do. I wouldn't go near it, if I was you. Tim: [completely hysterical] Oh, the next verse is censored because it's too horrible even to talk about! [runs out] I don't feel well! Bill: [singing, halfheartedly] Well your blood will run cold, and your heart fill with dread. Graeme: [singing, halfheartedly] For the Jollyrock is plagued with the souls of the dead! Bill: [singing] If you stay there one night... [terrified] you'll go clean off your head! Graeme, Bill: [singing, weakly] And in no time at all you will probably catch mumps... [Double-check the line] Graeme, Bill: ... Mumps? Tim: That doesn't even rhyme! Bunfight at the O.K. Tea Rooms [5.12] Graeme: I've been out looking around, and you'll never guess what I just found in an old tin mine. Bill: Gold? Graeme: No, old tins. [empties a bag of empty tin cans on the floor] Graeme: [producing a rock] And... this! Bill: What? Graeme: [confidently] Gold ore. Tim: Ore? Graeme: [less confidently] Or something else. The End [5.13] [Bill is drunk] Tim: [to Graeme] Pay no attention to him. He's pissed. Graeme: Has he? Tim: Yes. [Tim and Bill yell at each other] Graeme: This is good, political discussion, a healthy thing. Bill: This isn't political discussion, we're just shouting at one another. Graeme: Same thing. The Goodies Rule - O.K.? [5.14] Graeme: [referring to the puppets] See, see. I'm telling you could trust them. Bill: [angry] Right. That does it, come on. Tim: Great. Right… Where to? [As Tim looks at the rubbish bins, until a hybrid of Oscar the Grouch, Ernie, and the Cookie Monster appears in the bin] A hybrid of Oscar the Grouch, Ernie, and the Cookie Monster: [roars loudly] [A hybrid of Oscar the Grouch, Ernie, and the Cookie Monster began attacking Tim whilst in a bin] Tim: Get off, get off! You jerk! [Tim puts a hybrid of Oscar the Grouch, Ernie, and the Cookie Monster in a bin, and he began guzzling him up] Tim: [burps loudly] [During Tim is out in the bin, he emerges with a chunk of the monster's fur in his mouth] Series 6 Lips, or Almighty Cod [6.01] Hype Pressure [6.02] Daylight Robbery on the Orient Express [6.03] Tim: It's all a con! Bill: Uh, no. I prefer to use the word rip-off. Series 7 Alternative Roots [7.01] Earthanasia [7.06] [the Goodies have been told there's half an hour to go before the end of the world] Tim: At least there's time to do the ironing. [Brings in the ironing board and a basket of laundry] Tim: Just think, this is the end of Derby County... and the Muppets! Graeme: The Muppets? Tim: Yes, when we go, they'll go too, you know... oh, I do hope they don't suffer. Graeme: They're not real, you know! Tim: Well, of course they're real! Graeme: Don't be silly... the Muppets are just dollies! Tim: If they're "dollies", how come they can sing and dance and make sophisticated funny remarks? Graeme: Look, Kermit the frog is a green sock. Tim: [suddenly disturbed] What? Graeme: Kermit the frog is a man on his knees with a green sock on his hand! [to demonstrate, he uses a green sock as a glove puppet and imitates Kermit] Graeme: "Hello frog lovers, and welcome to the Muppet Show! I'd like to welcome our very special guest, Miss Piggy. Yay-ay-ay-ay!" Tim: Well she has GOT to be real. Graeme: Pair of old y-fronts and a mop head. [He holds up a pair of underpants and a mop head, and speaks like Miss Piggy] Graeme: "Hello Kermit, spawn of my heart, frog of my dreams!" [as Kermit] Graeme: "Hi there Miss Piggy, and what can I do for you?" Fozzie Bear is a brown woolly jumper with a hat on! [Holds up a brown pullover and a hat and speaks like Fozzie] Graeme: "Oh boy, funn-y! Oh Kermit, I hope those two old guys don't heckle me!" [Holds up two sponge balls and imitates Waldorf and Statler] Graeme: "Boo boo, the bear's a comedian, the comedian's a bear! Boo, boo!" [Waves a feather duster in Tim's face and bellows] Graeme: "A-NI-MAL!" Tim: [Nearly hysterical] No, stop it! Lies! LIES! Graeme: [holds up the green sock again and sings] "Halfway up the staircase..." Tim: NO! [runs into the kitchen, screaming] Graeme: I released his inhibitions through anger and violence! My work is at an end. I can die a happy man. [Tim emerges screaming from the kitchen and throws the gas cooker at Graeme] Graeme: You shouldn't have hit me with that! You've ruined the cake! External links 0065296 The Goodies BBC Comedy, The Goodies. Category:BBC shows Category:UK sitcoms Category:Cancelled shows