Mystery Science Theater 3000/Season 1

S1 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 The Crawling Eye Dr. Ernhardt: [entering Deep 13; first lines] Clay; Clay, I think I was spotted on my way down here! Dr. Forrester: Did you wear your disguise? Dr. Ernhardt: I was, but I just don't look that good in heels. Dr. Forrester: No-one must know we're down here doing this! Dr. Ernhardt: [meekly] I'm sorry. Gypsy: I got an itch! The Crawling Eye (movie) Servo: [first riff; displaying a mountainside] This must be a Paramount Picture. [Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.] Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off! Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing. [The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.] Servo [as Conductor]: Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death. [A woman- Anne- stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.] Joel [as mountain]: [deeply] I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say. Anne: [after being asked by her sister if she's troubled by anything] I feel wonderful; I just wish others would stop treating me like an invalid. Joel: How about a wheelchair? [after Anne falls on top of Alan Brooks (played by Forrest Tucker) as he's reading his newspaper] Alan Brooks: It's fine. It was just the baseball scores. Joel: It's just a prop, anyway. Alan Brooks: [he and Prof. Crevett are discussing the recent string of climbing accidents on the mountain] Where people climb mountains, there are lots of accidents. Prof. Crevett: That's true; and sometimes- the bodies- they disappear. But here, the search parties go out, and always they find nothing. Why do you suppose that is? Servo: [as Brooks] They're not good search parties? [the titular eye finally appears as a young girl rushes back into the hotel on the mountain to retrieve her toy ball] Joel: It thinks that ball is one of its pupils. Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death? Servo: Is there a sequel to this movie? Crow: Yeah; The Eye-ger Sanction! Servo: Starring Burl Eye-ves. [Joel chastises the bots for continuous eye puns; however, moments later...] Joel: I spy with my little eye... Servo: You hypocrite! [Anne is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike. Alan Brooks tends to her] Alan Brooks: Let's get you outside and have some fresh air. Servo: I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now. The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy [Erhardt and Forrester are preparing an invention for the Mad Scientist Convention] Dr. Erhardt: [to Forrester] Promise me if you lose the contest you aren't going to blow up the whole convention center again. Dr. Forrester: I only did that once! [Erhardt sternly clears his throat] OK, twice. Dr. Erhardt: It was three times! Dr. Forrester: The third time I used the incendiaries, and it didn't make the building blow up, it just made it burn. Really... quickly. Dr. Erhardt: [while introducing their creation for the Invention Exchange, a chalkboard vinyl on a record player] Okay- so you're throwing a party, it's 3 AM, and none of the guests are leaving. That's when you bring out the Chalkman! Dr. Forrester: Yes, as every self-respecting scientist knows, the sound of human fingernails on a chalkboard is most annoying. It initiates the primal fear response in all mammals, much like a chimpanzee scurrying across the plains of the Serengeti. Simply put your Chalkman on the platen. [shows record] Now this is a real chalkboard. (Set on) Side B; excellent. And you'll just notice the tonearm has real human fingernails embedded in the hand, now place it on the platen... [scratches the disc, creating a shrill sound] Now open it. Dr. Erhardt: They'll stay. Dr. Forrester: Close it. [shrill scratching sound continues] Dr. Erhardt: They'll leave. Dr. Forrester: And so on and so forth. Servo: [attempting to shoo away a swarm of Demon Dogs from the Satellite of Love] Puppy party's over; everybody off! This is Tom Servo, your worst doggy nightmare! Enoch, King of the Demon Dogs: [as he explains he's willing to help drive away the Dogs] First we'll exchange pleasantries, then, we will drink Tranya. Crow: [snarkily] From a dish off the floor, boy? [Joel and the bots succeed in shooing away the Demon Dogs by firing a ball-shaped probe into space for the dogs to fetch] Joel: Alright, they're gone! Servo: Joel, I don't mean to be a killjoy; but doesn't fetch mean "go get and bring back"? Joel: D'oh! Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short) [two thugs hired by the Moon Men try to sneak behind Cody whilst he is working in his lab] Servo: Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that! [Commando Cody flies across the moon surface, surveying the terrain] Joel: Hey, the moon looks just like Arizona, you guys! [A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.] Crow [as Retik/Larry]: I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon. Commando Cody: Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth? Servo [as Retik]: It's an election year. Retik: Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion. Commando Cody: Why do you want to invade the Earth? Retik: Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses. Joel [as Cody]: Get a humidifier! The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie) [Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.] Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca. Joel [as Dr. Almada]: The god of decaffeinated coffee. Dr. Almada: They were discovered by the tribal priests. [A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.] Servo [as Dr. Almada]: They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man. [A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.] Joel: Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it? Servo [as Xochi]: [singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"] I've reached the end of my life And I'm waiting for the knife to fall. Servo: [as Popoca reveals himself as the titular Aztec Mummy] I am not an animal; I am a Aztec Mummy! [as Popoca wanders through the cemetery] Crow: Hey, look; Peter Graves! Servo: Who's buried in Peter's grave? Joel: James Arness! [from a distance in a cemetery, Dr. Krupp and his scarred henchman Bruno observe the Aztec Mummy of Popoca] Bruno: [of Popoca] You stinkin' devil! How I'd like to chop your rotten flesh to pieces! Joel: Bruno, stop letting hate run your life. [The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".] Dr. Krupp: Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test! Joel: The Cosmo sex quiz? Dr. Krupp: [continues to boast about his "human robot"] With its shining pension, no human being on this earth can oppose me! Servo: Wait, a human robot? There's a flaw right there. Crow: [while Popoca tears apart Krupp's robot with relative ease] I looked up "anticlimax" in the dictionary; it said "See 'Aztec Mummy'." The Mad Monster Crow and Servo: [with their heads swapped, whilst speaking in unison] Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Servo: You like long walks in the rain? Crow: Chinese food? Servo: Mushing up your ice cream? Crow and Servo: [in unison] Oh, yes! We love us! Our collective brains are more powerful than Joel's! There is nothing that can stand in our way. We have seen the future and it is us; massage us into your scalp! We are all one; all powerful... YES! We are Servo Crow-ation, and we shall rule the wor- [Joel shuts them both off] Joel: [in bemusement] My robots; I think I'll keep 'em- turned off. Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short) [After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.] Joel: These are the extras...they'll probably get killed. [Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.] Servo: Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him. Joel: [as Cody is fighting off a henchman] Just give him a headbutt. Give him a headbutt! He's just wearing spandex on his head! Servo: [as Cody beats up Retik] That's for Bryant Gumbel; that's for Gene Shalit; and that's for dressing up like Carmen Miranda! God, that was dumb! Crow: Those are all Bob Mackie creations, aren't they? Cody: [as he and one of his fellow scientists are fleeing an approaching Moon Men tank, pointing towards a narrow cliff opening] Maybe we can dodge around those rocks and lose 'em. Servo: Maybe you can use the ray gun. Y'know the big one that blows up things? Like Moon Cars, perhaps? The Mad Monster (movie) Servo: Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something? [Cameron is ranting out loud to himself after Petro's transformation] Cameron: Just a few moments ago, Petro was a man; a harmless good-natured man. Look at him now! Servo: [as Cameron] Now Bingo is his name-oh! Crow: [of wolf-man Petro] Now he's his own best friend! [as Cameron hallucinates his old academic colleagues berating his werewolf experiments] Professor: There are institutions for madmen- Servo: [as Professor] Like the Pentagon! Professor: -And we'll see to it you're confined in one! Servo: [as the visions vanish] You would think since that was his imagination, he'd at least have them be afraid of him. Cameron: We shall see, gentlemen; we shall see... Joel: Next comes the Ghost of Christmas Present. Prof. Blaine: Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege! Joel: Tell that to the NFL! [Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.] Servo: Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part! Joel: [of the farmer's superstituous mother/mother-in-law] She's stoned; Whistler's Mother is stoned. Servo: At least Popeye got that operation he always wanted. Servo: [singing to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme as a farmer encounters Petro in the swamp] Come and listen to the story of a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed Then one day, he was shooting at some food... Joel: [joining in] ...And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude. Servo: Wolfman, that is; black teeth, gnarled face. [the farmer attempts to shoot at Petro twice, but it doesn't even phase the wolfman as he lumbers forward] Servo: The next thing you know, old Jed was really scared. The kin folk said "Jed, get away from there!" Said "My cabin is the place I ought to be," So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family... Joel: Good one, Crow. Servo: [I'm] Servo. Crow: Ah, over here. Joel: Right, sorry; good one, Servo. [turns towards Crow] You too, Crow. Servo: [unenthused] Gee, thanks, Ed! Crow: I didn't do anything. [Petro as a wolfman flees back into the swamp after killing the farmer's young daughter] Crow: I've seen better dog acts on the old Sullivan show. Dr. Cameron: [to Prof. Fitzgerald] I could give you an injection that would grant you the strength of ten men. Crow: [as Cameron] ...And their hair. Dr. Cameron: Or- following the line of evolution- how about a pair of donkey's ears? Ha! Something more fitting your level of intelligence! Joel: [sarcastically] Oh, nice quip; really tagged 'em there. Prof. Fitzgerald: [towards Dr. Cameron] I do not care to be ridiculed by a charlatan! Servo: [as Fitzgerald] Or you! Lenore: [confides to her father Cameron about her concerns over their house] There's something here that's evil. It's real and I can feel it; and I'm afraid! Servo: [as Lenore] It makes me want to sing! Officer: [towards reporter Tom, as they observe the recently murdered Professor Blaine] This should make a gory enough story for your paper. Tom: It's more than just a story to me; [Cameron] was my friend. Joel: [as Tom] It would make a great story. Maybe even a movie- with a sequel! [Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.] Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck. [Lenore and Tom are discussing what could've happened to a wounded Prof. Fitzgerald] Lenore: Fitzgerald was driving Petro into town with him. Surely you don't think- Tom: I don't know what to think! Servo: [as Tom] And stop calling me Shirley! Petro: [snapped out of a trance towards Lenore by Dr. Cameron] I don't know what's come over me; I must have a touch of Swamp Fever. Dr. Cameron: That's very likely. Now off to bed; I'll get something for it. Servo: I had a Marsh Rash once. Prof. Fitzgerald: [viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped. Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers. [Petro decides to turn against Cameron in the climax] Cameron: [in terror] Petro; stay back! Servo: [as Petro steps forward to strangle Cameron] I'll show you how the choke chain feels! Joel: And it don't feel good. Women of the Prehistoric Planet [Joel presents a last-minute Invention Exchange item; a roll of toilet paper inside a two liter soda bottle] Dr. Ernhardt: Well, I guess that could come in handy; as a molotov cocktail or something... Joel: [disgusted] You two are unbelievable! You could make Tiddly-winks sound evil! Dr. Forrester and Dr. Ernhardt: [cheerfully] Thank you! [Joel is attempting to disarm an Isaac Asimov doomsday device] Crow: You're playing dice with the universe here, Joel. I hope you realize that. [the Asimov doomsday device goes off, but all it does is give the S.o.L. crew labcoats and sideburns] Joel: This cockamamie satellite turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs! . . . Crow: D'you think it's a conspiracy? Servo: [speaking like Asimov] No; I tackled the 'conspiracy' topic in my volume set on Assassinations and Coups. Women of the Prehistoric Planet (movie) [Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.] Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba! Hup! Servo: You know, I could watch that all day. [Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.] Joel, Servo, and Crow: SHUT UP!!! [On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.] Joel: Is he primordial soup yet? [Tang serenades Linda with music played on a pan-flute] Crow: Now he's going to play the world's most loved melodies, a la Zamfir. ... Servo: [as Tang] Get me; I'm the master of the pan-flute! [At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.] Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow. Servo: [as one of the scouts ends up mauled by a giant fake-looking spider] My God, how horrible! To be killed by a plush toy! Linda: [in disgust as the crew refuses to search further for her love, Tang] I hate you; I hate all of you! Joel: Jeez, don't say hi then! [footage of the planet's volcano erupting plays] Servo: More stock footage; hit the deck! Crow: Look out, the styrofoam is on fire! Admiral David King: Mr. Scott, make an entry in the ship's log. [Servo begins grumbling] ... to the third planet of the Solaris system. As this planet was heretofore unknown... [Joel begins grumbling] ... from this day forward, the third planet of the Solaris system will be known as the blue planet. We designate it planet... Earth. Joel: Earth?! Crow: Oh, come on, who made you God? Servo: [in disbelief] Oh, man evolved from Tang, right. We better get outta here, we'd better go. Joel: That means my great great grandmother was really, really hot! Crow: Was she? You got a picture? The Corpse Vanishes Dr. Ernhardt: [calling into the Satellite of Love to address Joel for the Invention Exchange] Come in, Joel; you tree-rotating skanky boy! Dr. Forrester: [impressed] Not bad; not bad. [Crow and Servo are mulling over the latest issue of Tiger Bot magazine] Crow: Who's the Dream Date this week? Servo: Let's see... it says- Twiki. Crow: Twiki?! What a coaster; he hasn't worked since Buck Rogers! Servo: I know; what a putz! [mockingly] Bidi-bidi-bidi; wanna dance, Buck? Crow: That guy couldn't interface without a lode-pan adapter. Such a shrimpy little bot anyway; with those ineffectual arms, and that stupid bubble head, and... Servo: [offended] Real funny, Crow. Crow: [in realization] Whoops! [during the RAM chip segment] Crow: Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants! Joel: [chuckles] OK...and a bad thing? Crow: They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life! Joel: [impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip! Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short) Crow: [while a shot of Cody's ship returning to Earth plays] Why does the Earth have a shadow? Servo: Why are there clouds in space? Crow: Why are we watching this? Servo: Daddy, what's Vietnam? Retik: [demanding for his henchmen waiting on Earth to be prepared for the arrival of Cody and his team of scientists] Will you have a ray gun completed by the time he lands?! Krog: I'm afraid that's impossible, your Excellency. Crow: [as Krog] All the hardware stores are closed! The Corpse Vanishes (movie) [After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.] Joel: Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back! [Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.] Crow [as Lorenz]: Thank you, I love cake! [At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.] Servo [as Landshark]: Landshark. . . . [Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.] Joel [as Landshark]: Candygram. . . . [The two women hear another knock at the door.] Servo [as Landshark]: Pizza delivery. [At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.] Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch. [as one character is shown wandering around in a fancy outfit] Crow: Joel, why don't you wear nice things like that? Joel: Well, I got shot into space; there wasn't any time to pack. Crow: Oh. [Dr. Foster and Patricia Hunter introduce themselves to each other on the ride over to Lorenz's castle] Dr. Foster: My name is Dr. Foster. Patricia: I'm Patricia Hunter. Joel: I'm Joel. Servo: I'm Servo. Crow: I'm Crow! ... Patricia: I'm a news reporter. Servo: I'm a robot. Joel: I'm a human being. [Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.] Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: Now you might feel a little sting... [Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.] Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: OK, a big sting. [Mrs. Lorenz angrily slaps Patricia in the face for her arriving for an interview] Patricia: [to Dr. Foster] So that's what you call [them being] eccentric. I have another name for it. Crow: [as Patricia] I call it bitchy. Dr. Foster: [as he assists in defending Patricia's testimony to her boss about Dr. Lorenz] The glands in our body help determine the condition of our teeth, the texture of our hair... Crow: [as Dr. Foster] The cut of our jib. Joel: Learning is fun! Crow: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him. The Crawling Hand The Crawling Hand (movie) [Stranded and virus-infected astronaut Lockhart begs for NASA scientists to push his capsule's remote self-destruct button] Joel: [as Lockhart/David Bowie] This is Major Tom to Ground Control... ... Crow: Push that (button), and he's an astro-not. [In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.] Owner: No dancing, not allowed. Joel: This is just like Footloose. [Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.] Crow [as Owner]: No acting, not allowed. ... [Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner] Owner: No rats. Joel [as Owner]: Unless they're on the menu. ... [even later, as Paul attempts to throttle the diner owner while under the hand's influence] Joel: [as Owner] No strangling, not allowed. [Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.] Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity? Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity. [Crow and Servo tell Joel off in that he always wins every game he makes the Bots play- due to their non-functioning arms- and leave him alone] Joel: [addressing Cambot] Cambot, I want you to remind me of something: next time I make a robot, no more free will. That's it; and now we've got commercial sign. [Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.] Marta: Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"? Paul: "Stacked"? Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart. Crow: Hey, why's she wearing a swimsuit with a codpiece? Servo: Oh, just for the halibut. Heh, sorry. Crow: Stop it, you're giving me a haddock. Servo: Oh, you're a pain in the bass. Crow: You have no sole. Joel: [as Sheriff Townsend/Skipper to Paul] Where's the little body, little buddy? Sheriff Townsend: Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening? Crow [as Sheriff]: The sound of one hand clapping? Crow: Let's see... if I were an arm, where would I hide? My sleeve, of course! [NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a geiger counter.] Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace. Joel: Must be a talent meter. Robot Monster Dr Ernhardt: [of Robot Monster] To call this film wretched would be an insult to the word wretched. It stars no-one! Crow: [roleplaying as the Great Guidance to Servo] Why not have you yet killed the Hu-Man (Joel)? Servo: Because he gives me crunchy treats, and he empties my lode-pan. Crow: But he is Hu-Man, and unfit to live! Servo: But he has a cute butt, and he can drive a stick. Crow: Nevertheless, he- wait a minute, he can drive a stick? N-Nevertheless, he is Hu-Man; YOU are Ro-Man! ... [a moment later Joel meets up with the Bots] Joel: Hey Crow, Servo. What's up? Servo: Your number, I'm afraid! I must kill you, Mr. Bond; I must kill you now- [Joel hits Servo with a collapsible chair in self-defense] Whoa! Crow: Joel; what happened? Joel: (It was) Servo, his reason circuits must've blown out. He tried to kill me! Crow: No, we were just doing a little role-playing! [after Joel and the Bots have been left delirious by the film and present a "pageant" about the many contradictions of Ro-Man as a character] Crow: We believe these truths to be evident- and obvious. Servo: Please give to the United Robot College Fund! Joel: Because an internal hard drive is a terrible thing to waste. Think about it, won't you? [addresses Dr. Forrester and Ernhardt] What do you think, sirs? Dr. Forrester: Could I've sent a crazier guy into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?! Dr. Ernhardt: Do you think [Joel]'s had enough up there? I think he snapped. Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short) [Servo sneezes violently] Joel: Bless you! Crow: Gesundheit. Joel: You're not supposed to do that... Servo: That stirred up my RAMS real bad. [Graber shoots at Cody with one hand while driving away from him with the other] Joel: Wow, he can drive and shoot at the same time? He must be ambidextrous! Crow: Boy, I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous. Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) Servo: [being dragged back to his seat by Joel] This is Buddhist! You invented us to suffer! Joel: [of Servo and Crow griping] I'm surrounded by idiots of my own design! [the Moon Men henchmen are being pursued by Cody and the cops] Crow: You're watching the "All Car-Chase Network"! . . . Crow: [as the henchmen resume driving after ditching their getaway car for an ambulence] We now return you to the All Car-Chase Network; already in progress. [Graber, who is trying to escape, shoots at Commander Cody] Joel: Right, right. Shoot him. That's your solution to everything. Something gets in your way, you pull out your little gun and you gotta shoot them. Well mister listen, someday there's going to be a flying Rocketeer behind you who's going to shoot back. Robot Monster (movie) Crow: [of Ro-Man as he first appears] This is what comes of teaching apes sign-language. [Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.] Ro-Man: Humans! Listen to me! Servo: [in a dopey tone of voice] Okay! Ro-Man: Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left. Joel: [as Ro-Man] We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you. Ro-Man: Now I know you are watching! I can see five of you who have not been destroyed. Show yourselves and I promise a painless death! Crow: [as the Professor] Ah, we're looking at a few other options first. Servo: [a shot of a rocket traveling to the space platform plays] It's a V-2 rocket! Crow: Could've had a V-8! [Joel slaps Crow upside the head] Joke, Joel. [It was] a joke! Servo: I thought it was hilarious! [Joel slaps Servo on the dome] [After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors] Ro-Man: And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative. Crow: He's so negative! [Alice and Roy cavort in an open field] Joel: Even at the end of the world, love springs eternal. [Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.] Joel: Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does. Servo: Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts. [Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.] Joel: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case. [Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.] Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man! Servo [as Ro-Man]: Me-man? Ro-Man: Yes. [distressed] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you. Joel [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law! Crow: [while Johnny is walking past ruins of civilization on the way home] It's the Berlin Wall! Joel: Uh, this is the apocalypse; I think that's the Great Wall of Cleveland. Joel: [as the Ro-Man fumbles about in view of the Ro-Man communication device] Peeking through the knothole, of Grandma's wooden leg... Crow: [as the Great Guidance, in annoyance] I hired an idiot! [as the closing shot of Ro-Man walking towards the camera loops] Crow: Is this the end of the film, Joel? Joel: Uh, I don't think it is. Servo: You ever had deja vu, Joel? Joel: Huh? What? [after the third time they repeat themselves] Joel: We've gotta get out of here. Servo: This is pathetic! [pause] You ever had deja vu, Joel? Crow: Stop it! The Slime People Crow: [in an upbeat mood while Joel and Servo are groggy from waking up] Here's a little morning poem- Birdie with the yellow bill hopped upon my windowsill; cocked his shining eye and said "What's for breakfast, Grandma?". Dr. Ernhardt: [during the Invention Exchange, holding a mound of cotton candy] We came up with cotton candy that screams when you bite it! [to Dr. Forrester] May I? Dr. Forrester: Enjoy! Cotton Candy: [as Ernhardt bites down] Ow! That's my head! Owwww! Dr. Forrester: Well, what do you think of that? Joel: [disgusted] You're toying with God's blueprint; that's what I think! Joel: [of the fact "The Slime People" ended up getting made at all] The real beauty of this movie is that it actually got made. The guy who made it isn't a fool; he just convinced some people that it was worth making. You know, whether it was a good idea, or it could make money, or it satisfied some bizarre urge in the viewing public. Servo: Oh, I see; so it's the gullibility of humans that allows things like this to exist! Joel: I guess you're right. Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short) [Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.] Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it? Crow: Hip? Not. Ick! Crow: [as a café owner waking up Cody after he was knocked out in an altercation with Retik's Earth henchmen] Wake up, Cody; you owe me $400! Cody: [in a phone call back to fellow scientist Joan as he prepares to ambush Retik's Earth henchmen] Call the police and tell them to block the highway on the other side of the mountain. Crow: [as Joan, making a phone call] Hello, police? Block the mountain on the other side of the highway! [Joel and the bots hold Commando Cody on trial for his various on-screen misdemeanors] Crow: Today I will prove that Commando Cody is guilty of the following felony changes- failure to follow a proper flight plan, reckless endangerment of the public, defying the laws of physics... and gravity, and acting as an officer of the law... and simply bad acting. Servo: [acting as Cody's lawyer] We plead hardship, your Honor! My client- Commando Cody- has more than paid his debt to society by being trapped in a pathetic serial! The Slime People (movie) [After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.] Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero". Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb. Cal Johnson: [after chatting with fellow survivor Bonnie during the night and sharing a kiss] Gee whiz, you know as long as you're sitting here, I don't even want to think about Slime People. Crow: [continuing as Cal] Though it's hard, looking at a mug like yours. [Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.] Gregory: [towards Tolliver] Noone's home! Genius waits for no one! Crow: But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings. . . . [Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.] Tolliver: I… I've never seen anything like it! Servo: Even in Tijuana! . . . [Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.] Joel: Lookit — they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival! [As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.] Gregory: Look at this. Blonde hair. Servo: Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat. Crow: At night. Joel: In a fog. [the Slime People begin disintegrating once their force field has been destroyed] Joel, Crow and Servo: [as the Slime People] A horse, a horse; my kingdom for a- AAAGH! Project Moonbase Crow: [role-playing as Krog on the bridge] Earth men, I want you to take an atomic bomb the size of a pineapple, strap it to a Piper Cub, and crash into Mt. Vesuvius! ... Servo: [roleplaying as Commando Cody] Does he have any idea who he's dealing with? I could- Crow: Ahhh, you're Servo; and Joel's holding you up. Servo: Pay no attention to the man holding me up. Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short) Joel: [while Cody and Ted fly in an airplane to bomb the truck of Retik's Earth henchmen] Oh, great. Double 00-Cody. You have a license to kill now, Mr. Cody? Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short) [the episode begins with the opening credits again, as Joel and the bots wearily sing along to the music] Servo: [singing] You're watching Commando Cody; a not-so-new character from Republic. He gets in trouble every week, but he's saved by editing... . . . Joel: [singing] His laboratory is a boxing ring when bad guys come to mix it up; someone always gets kidnapped, so Cody has to go to fix it up... . . . Crow: [singing] Bad guys beware- Cody is there; you'll like his hair, it's under his helmet, 'cuz we couldn't think of a good rhyme; and that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song! So sit right back, and with a will of granite, watch Chapter 8- The Enemy Planet. [nervously laughs] Servo: [as Cody's assistant, Ted, is shown losing oxygen] By this time, my lungs were aching for air! Project Moonbase (movie) [The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.] Crow: Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn. Joel: [reading a building abbreviated as SPACOM] Spacom: wood-filled and meat substitute. Crow: We built this city on Spacom! Servo: Instead of rock and roll? Crow: Yep. [of the brattily catty Colonel Briteis butting heads with amateur Commander Moore] Servo: Someone get that lady a saucer of milk. Joel: [Commander Moore and the imposter Dr. Wernher fight] Hands Down; the slap-happiest game of all! Joel: [commenting on the surreal perspective of the movie's visual effects] Art design by M.C. Escher! Robot Holocaust Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short) Crow: [Cody's spaceship prepares to take off] Ron Howard pops the clutch, and tells the Moon to eat my dust! Robot Holocaust (movie) Servo: [reading the actor credits] Andrew Howarth? Crow: Fine; howarth you? Servo: Classic! [Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.] Valeria: You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand? Torque: Yes! Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man? Servo: Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand. Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? Joel [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd? Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now. Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck? [The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death] Narrator: A dagger is placed into the ground— Servo: A voice-over is placed into the script. [The Dark One, disgusted with Valeria's lack of progress orders her to leave, as she pleads with him] Valeria: Dawk One, please... The Dark One: Torque, take her away from my sight! Valeria: No, Dawk One, please! I will pwove myself to you! Joel: Taking someone out of an omnipresent being's sight is kind of hard, isn't it? [A severed head rolls past] Servo: Oh, it's a spare! Crow: Gutter head. Crow: [as Neo's robot sidekick, beating up one of the Dark One's henchmen with a metal pipe] That one's for Artoo-Detoo, that one's for C-3PO; that was for Julie Newmar, and that one's just cuz I wanna! Crow: [as Deeja; after seeing the mutated state of Jorn at the hands of the Dark One] Dad, you're a tulip bulb! . . . Crow: [as Jorn to Deeja] Honey, remember my torso? Well, it's chip dip now! Moon Zero Two Moon Zero Two (movie) [Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.] Servo: [excited] Hey it's in color! Joel: Yeah. Servo: Really bad music already, this is great. . . . Servo: Is this a Pink Panther movie? Joel: No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like. Servo: Why would they use cartoons? Joel: Uh, so astronauts could understand them. Servo: [dubiously] Ah. ... Servo: [as one of the cartoon astronauts beats up the other in sync to the music] Whoa, they're beating the titles out of him! [Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.] Clementine: He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport. Capt. Kemp: He's probably waiting at Moon City. Clementine: Mmm, that's what the man said. Servo [as Capt. Kemp]: Don't you listen to what the man says. [Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.] Korminski: Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?! Joel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]: Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty! . . . [As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.] Hubbard: That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he? Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]: [annoyed] He's from Barcelona. [a scuffle starts to break out in a nightclub as Kemp turns off the facility's gravity as a diversion for him and Clementine to escape] Capt. Kemp: If we're gonna play, we play by my rules! Crow: Yeah; but nobody knows what your rules are! [As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.] Servo: Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!! [Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.] Crow: Kaboom! would become Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion! Untamed Youth Untamed Youth (movie) [a young man is seen running from authorities during the opening credits] Crow: [as a police officer] After him! He's hiding behind those credits! [Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.] Crow [as Penny]: Hey, who's the guy in the cage? Servo [as Farmhand]: Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop. [Joel and the bots do an experiment to see what exactly is in Gypsy's mind] Joel: What is it? Servo: It's an 8x10 (photo) of Richard Basehart and some RAM chips! Joel: [disappointed] Oh brother; another great mystery of the universe explained. [After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a sock hop in their quarters.] Joel: That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is. Jane: Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song. Crow: Maybe it's Aida. Bob Steele: [telling his mother, the Judge, about the passing of a farmhand named "Baby"] That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name. Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name. Bob Steele: [exposing Russ] And that healthy food, that I'm paying for, you know what I found out about that food? Tropp's feeding canned dog food, and he calls it beef stew. Cecilia Steele Tropp: [in disbelief] Oh, no. Crow [as Cecilia]: Not canned, it should be dry! That's part of the agreement. Bob Steele: ... what do you mean he wouldn't? He's doing it! Mother, I saw the empty cans. I guess you didn't know this was going on, did you? Cecilia Steele Tropp: No! Maybe Mr. Tropp doesn't! Bob Steele: He knows every move that's made. Cecelia Steele Tropp: Well Bob, it's... it's uh- it's just that Russ is very ambitious. Servo [as Bob]: When did you start calling him Russ? Bob Steele: Sure! Got a bunch of people assigned to him, on your orders, their help is he gets them for six bits a day, and feeds them slop! Joel [as Cecilia]: It's not slop, it's Science Diet and it's very expensive, young man! [Penny (blonde bombshell Mamie Van Doren) performs a calypso song and dance, backed by male dancers.] Penny: Come on, boys, and carry my bananas! Joel: What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"? Servo: I don't wanna know. The Black Scorpion [Dr. Ernhardt calls Joel, with a visibly mutated head] Joel: What happened to you? Dr. Ernhardt: We, uh, had a little mishap in the lab this week; we were trying to make a cold fusion Walkman and I don't know what happened; but... well, you can see what happened. ... [after Joel presents their Invention Exchange] Dr. Ernhardt: Are you alright, Clay? Dr. Forrester: [reduced to a talking skeleton in his lab coat] Yes, Larry; remember- it's all in the name of science. ... [much later after Joel reads audience letters] Dr. Ernhardt: I think the swelling is going down. Dr. Forrester: Yes; and I think you should file this. [hands Ernhardt paperwork as he walks off, and Forrester addresses Joel once more] Until next time, Mr. Skin on Weiner. The Black Scorpion (movie) [Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.] Narrator: … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes. Joel: Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying! . . . Narrator: … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days… Servo [as Narrator]: And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage! [Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.] Hank: Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there. Artur: Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer. Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep. [Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.] Servo [as Artur]: I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first. [Hank and Artur investigate around an abandoned house and find the corpse of a police officer hanging in the tree branches] Crow: [as Bob Barker] What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop! Servo: [as Game Show Announcer] Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia! Joel: [adding a "prize disclaimer"] From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609. [Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.] Hank: … I found something a lot more interesting! Joel: Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed! Crow: Only mounted. Joel jokingly confuses famous cowboy Roy Rogers' famous horse Trigger, who was stuffed after he died, with his wife and film partner Dale Evans. Servo: [as the scorpion attacks outside of town and causes chaos] It's Crazy Days! We're slashing and dashing prices! Yes, all giant scorpions get in free; free hot dogs and balloons for the kids. Yes, come on down and visit me in coke jail; I'm in coke prison! Get me out; get me out! Come on down to Crazy Days, this Sunday! [With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.] Dr. Velazco: But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First— Servo [as Velazco]: We're small. We can run fast. Dr. Velazco: Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic. Crow [as Velazco]: And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point. [A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.] Crow [as Tour Guide]: Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train… Servo [as Scorpion]: Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains. [The passengers flee the train.] Joel [as Company Rep]: Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.