Helluva Boss

thumb|Christ on a stick, I guess there is a God! Helluva Boss is a 2019 adult animated black comedy horror web series created by Vivienne Medrano. Pilot Moxxie: [to Millie] I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Loona's fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. Its very simple. Loona: Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie. Moxxie: [to Loona] You sit! Sit on, a... in the... DO YOUR JOB!!!!! Blitz: Hey! now we don't blame our screwups on Loona, Okay? Moxxie: [to Millie] Honey, could you get the butter? Millie: Sure, sweetie. Blitz: Spoiler alert: The butter's spoiled. [Millie giggles] Moxxie: What's funny, honey? Blitz: Really impressive wordplay. Moxxie: WHAT THE--?! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?! [Moxxie wakes up to see Blitz staring him in the face] Blitz: Watcha dreamin' about? Mox: I was dreaming my parents were being murdered. But now, I'd like to go back to that. Moxxie: [singing] Of all the imps in Hell, it's for her that I fell! Oh, Millie.... [leans in to kiss Millie, then hears Biltz's camera beep] ARE YOU FUCKING FILMING US RIGHT NOW?! [camera moves to show him outside the window] Blitz: [Moxxie claims Blitz lives a lonely life; Millie tries to coerce him from angering Blitz] No, no no no, It's fine, Mills, its just your husband is, how do I say this without being offensive? Retarded. [After hearing a graphically lewd rant from Stolas over the phone, Blitzo smashes his phone up and puts the pieces in a blender, blending it into a smoothie, which Loona immediately drinks] Blitzo: Eat this, and you know that bridge over the freeway? Loona: Yeah? Blitzo: SHIT OFF IT. Murder Family [Moxxie tries to aim at a picture of the target family with a crossbow, but he's shaking too much] Millie: Moxxie, stop shakin'. You're gonna kill our only Hellhound. Loona: [lounging back on the couch, holding the target picture up with one hand, browsing her phone with the other; sarcastically] Wow, I feel so loved here. Millie: Just take a deep breath...[demonstrates an inhale] and let it out. Moxxie: But...it's a family! Under what circumstances would we ever need to kill a human family? Millie: I mean, if that's what the client wants... Moxxie: Maybe like a shitty dad or [in a Don Corleone-like voice] a mob family. That's understandable. [normal voice] But to eradicate an entirely innocent, seemingly innocent, upper-middle class family bloodline?! Loona: [after a look at the picture] Hey, you don't know they're innocent. This kid probably sets dogs on fire, maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online, and this guy? This guy definitely watches. Blitz: [to a departing Mrs. Mayberry] Bye, and don't worry - we'll get that skank in less than twenty-four hours, or your first kill is free! Moxxie: When did we start implementing that deal? Blitz: When you set fire to my office in front of a CLIENT, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT!!! Now someone PLEASE tell me that fancy book is still intact! Loona: You mean our only ticket to the other side? [holds out the Grimoire] Yeah, got it. Blitz: [fawning] And that's why you're my favourite, Loony! You get a treat now. [holds out a dog biscuit] Loona: Eww, stop. [Blitz tosses it in the air, catches it with his tongue and eats it] You're SO gross! Blitz: [flattered] Aww, stop it, I get enough of that from my therapist. Now let's go lick some ass! Millie: [after creating a portal] The expression is "kick some ass", Blitz. [steps through it] Blitz: Mine's better. [follows her] Moxxie: [follows them, groaning] Ohh, fuck...! Blitz: [after Moxxie fails to shoot the family] What the FUCK was that, Moxxie?! Mox: [wheezes and gasps] I'm sorry! They just seemed so wholesome and happy... I panicked! Blitz: Oh, who the fuck is innocent, Moxxie?! From the moment of birth, you're already a parasite leechin' off your momma's tits! Get the FUCK over yourself, you baby-dicked PRICK--! [Martha shoots through the wall, injuring his arm] AHH! A new hole! 'SCATTER! [they run away] Stolas: [on the phone to Blitz] I was thinking, what if we worked out some kind of exchange? Favors for favors. Doesn't that sound... enticing? Blitz: [dodging Martha's gunshots] You gotta stop using your fancy-ass rich people talk, okay?! I'm tryin' to concentrate on not getting FUCKED IN MY "A"! [Martha tries to burn Blitz and Millie at the stake] Martha: Satan! We return your filthy creatures to back to the pits of Hell! May the root of evil remain honoured as we continue thy work! [tosses her torch on the pyre, igniting a blaze] Blitz: [after a moment] Yeah, that's not exactly how it works, lady. Sorry, your fire doesn't really hurt us, but, I mean, I could fake it if that'll get your dick hard. [smirks and makes a crude gesture with his tail] Loo Loo Land Stolas: What's that you're listening to? Octavia: This song is called "My World Is Burning Down Around Me". It's by "Fuck You, Dad". [after a short pause] It's a band. Stolas: Oh. How charming... [Stolas suggests that he and Octavia go to Loo-Loo Land] Octavia: I'd literally rather kill myself. Stolas: There we go! Anything but staying in this house. Now, I'll arrange our security. Octavia: Security for a theme park? Stolas: We're rich and we're hot. People want our money and our bodies. Octavia: Our money, maybe. Stolas: Speak for yourself, princess. Now I'm going to call the only man who can f[bleep]k me! Octavia: [cringing] What?! Stolas: [trying to cover it up] Who can protect me. Us! Being part of the Goetia family is rather valuable, you know. [Octavia groans] [Blitz is called by Stolas] Blitz: WHAT?! Stolas: Why, hello, my big-dicked Blitzy. [Blitz and Octavia both spit out their coffee] Blitz: WHAT... Octavia: ...THE... Blitz: ...FUCK... Octavia: ...DAD?! Stolas: Language, everyone! Octavia: I have a question. Loo Loo Mascot: Well, ask away, little girlie! A-hyuk a-hyuk a-hyuk! Octavia: Is it true this park is just a really shameless spin-off of Lucifer's far more popular Lu Lu World? Loo Loo: ... No? Octavia: This place reeks of insecure corporate shame. Blitz: [Robo-Fizz calls him out] Bitch, I make more money killing people than you do being a cheap-ass robo-ripoff of an overrated sell-out JESTER! Robo-Fizz: Oooh, [glitches as he says this] someone's salty! Real or not, though, people looove me! Does anybody looove you, Blitzo? Blitz: No. But I'm really good with guns now! [loads his assault rifle with a new magazine] Dance, bitch! Spring Broken Blitz: [to someone who takes his parking spot] Oh, you "Suck 4 Life", do ya?! [pulls out a megaphone] Listen up, you unoriginal pink cum-dump! You've got exactly three seconds to get the fuck out of my spot or, [he realizes that the driver is his ex girlfriend, Verosika Mayday] Oh, SHIT! Verosika?! Verosika: Blitzo. Blitz: I should have known you'd be here. I can smell fish for miles, which is odd, because I believe the nearest ocean is THREE RINGS DOWN! Verosika: And I should have known you'd be here when I heard the Amber Alerts. Blitzo: [regarding Verosika; quietly] Ugh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that. Loona: [from the van] You know Verosika Mayday?! Blitzo: Huh? Oh, yeah, her. Yeah, we dated. Millie: [popping out of the van with Moxxie] Was that before or after she became a pop star? Moxxie: You dated a pop star?! Blitzo: Okay, why are you all acting like that's such a shock? Loona: Hello, it's Verosika Mayday? Millie: It's you? Moxxie: I just... Is she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage? Blitzo: Okay, look, you are all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be. I don't pry into your stupid personal lives. Moxxie: YOU DO THAT ALL THE TIME, SIR! Millie: Come on, you kinda do that. Loona: You totally do that. Millie: [grinning naughtily] What was sex with her like? Moxxie: [taken aback] Millie! Millie: What?! It's a pop star! You'd wanna know what sex with Michael Crawford was like! Moxxie: ... Touché. Loona: Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys this time? Blitz: Absolutely not, I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie, spring break is no place for young vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of FREAKS up there who'd drool all over you! [Blitz, Loona, Moxxie and Millie all give the camera disapproving looks] Loona: FUCK, BLITZ!!! WHY CAN'TYOU STAY OUT OF MY FACE FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES?!! Blitz: Because I adopted you! And that should mean something! Loona: Oh, what does it matter?! You’re not my real dad! I was almost eighteen! Blitz: It still counts! Loona: Well, it shouldn't! I didn't need you then, asshole! I don't now! [Loona is talking with Verosika's hellhound, Vortex] Blitz: Am I interrupting something here? Tex: [calmly] Nah, man. Just a conversation. Blitz: Conversation leads to HPV! Moxxie: [after being dunked in a beer keg by humans] A human called me a possum. I am not a possum. C.H.E.R.U.B.S [Loopty Goopty smashes his way into I.M.P.'s office] Loopty Goopty: Do not be afraid! Blitzo: Please tell me you got that insurance thing. Millie: [taking out her axe] Who are you, and what do you want?! Loopty: I am Loopty Goopty! Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish! Loona: Coulda just used the door, dude. Doesn't need to be this whole thing. Loopty: I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric SHIIIIT! Blitzo: [sniffs him] Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die? Loopty: YEEEEES! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me HEEEERE! Loona: Just sayin' - the front door would've gotten you here fine. Loopty: Shut up, dear furry! Cletus: Look around, Lyle. God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age! [winks] Or wealth! Collin: If you were to end your life, you'd be missing all of this! Blitzo: [in a tiger costume] Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks? [makes a suggestive gesture with his fingers] Keenie: [gasps] That is so inappropriate! Millie: [in a cat costume] Oh, kiss our ass, prude! [flips her off] Queen Bee Vikki: OMJ, Loona? Lunatic Loona? That you? Loona: Uh, yeah. It's Loona, yeah. Vikki: Wow, I can't believe you're showing up to another party. I mean, do you even remember the last one? Loona: [becoming annoyed] I'm sure you'll remind me. Vikki: Yeah, this...[taps on her phone and shows a picture of Loona throwing up] This you, right? Loona: [Angrily growling, through clenched teeth] Why do you still have that? Vikki: It brings me joy. You know, you're supposed to keep things that bring you joy. [Loona growls louder, baring her teeth] Wow, you're being very negative. Your aura is really aggressive right now. Loona: Oh yeah? Well, maybe it's because I'm in the presence of a massive BITCH! [Partygoers gasp; Vikki nearly faints dramatically] Vikki: Oh...my dog. Wow. Loona: What?! Is that not an okay thing to say? Like, c'mon, it's true! Partygoer: [offscreen] You can't say that. [Loona angrily frowns] Bee-Elzubub: [Approaches Vortex & Loona after her song] Ow-ow! Vortex! The party is buzzing now, FUCK! I feel like I went a little too hard with the confetti this time, though. I have, like, a rainbow in my vagina right now. [Loona's jaw drops; Bee notices her for the first time] Oh, hey, is this the sweet pup you were telling me about? Loona: Excuse me? Bee: She's a fucking cutie! Where've you been hiding, girl? [chuckles] Loona: Is there something funny? Bee: Nah, I'm just high on all of this tasty energy right now! Tex says you don't get invited out much. I hope this little itty-bitty gettogether could serve as a fun first time. Loona: [sees another party attendee slide down the stair railing and hitting his groin on the newel post before falling over; unamused] Mmhmm. Bee: I would've thrown a bigger one, but I couldn't convince Belphagor to let me break into her stash of party drugs. SO fucking lame. I mean, I usually just steal them, but Belle changed the locks. She says I'm a total jackass for trying, but hey–I'm proud to be a total jackass. [creates a bottle of beer and chugs it down] Loona: [Looking for Blitzo in the middle of the party] Blitz! Blitz! Where are you, shithead?! Blitz! [Sees Blitzo making out with another guy] Loona: OH, PISS ON A DICK! [Loona drives her and a drunk Blitzo from the party] Loona: ...Do you need to throw up? Blitzo: [Almost like a pouty child] No. Loona: Heh, yeah, you do. [Loona carries Blitzo into their apartment, laying him on the couch, then returning with a blanket and a glass of water] Blitzo: I had a really shitty day. Loona: Yeah? Is that why you drank, like, 5 gallons' worth of who-knows-what? Blitzo: Fuck, Fizz was right: I'm gonna die alone, aren't I? Just a wrinkly, old, withered waste. [Loona gives a look of concern] Will you be there, Loonie? Loona: Be where? Blitzo: [Mumbling] I dunno, just...lonely...die alone... Loona: [Covers Blitzo with the blanket] I'll be there...Dad. Now go the fuck to sleep, okay? [Goes to her bedroom] Blitzo: [Mumbling] Millie...Moxxie...Stolas...[Lifts his head and vomits heavily on the floor] Fuck! Yeah, I did need to throw up. Western Energy Blitzo: [Sees Stolas is calling him while he's driving the van with a nervous Loona in the passenger seat, Millie and Moxxie in the back] Oh, shit. [Answers the phone] Stolas, it's really not a good time, buddy. Stolas: Sorry it's a bad time yet again, Blitzy, but...I seem to have found myself in a bit of a cinch. I'm tied at the back of a horse at the moment. Blitzo: Pfff, lucky bitch. Stolas: Um, well, no. Rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by that little cowboy friend of yours. Blitzo: Oh, which one? Moxxie: How many cowboys do you know?! [to Stolas] What does he look like, your highness? Stolas: [Takes a long look] Hmmm, sexy? Moxxie: [To Blitzo] That's Striker, sir! Blitzo: Oh, for fuck's sake... Blitzo: [Walking into the doctor/vet, dragging a frightened Loona by the tail] Christ on a stick, of all the days for (Stolas) to get his stupid feathered ass kidnapped; I've waited FIVE FUCKING YEARS for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE! [Sees a woman with her pet in the waiting room] Hi, the fuck you looking at? [A mariachi band of imps have been following Striker around and singing a ballad about him] Striker: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M TRYIN' TO DO MY FUCKIN' JOB! YOU COMIN' IN HERE, SINGIN' ABOUT ME FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKIN’ TIME?! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, YA FREAKS! Stolas: How does one get their own theme song? Voice cast Brandon Rogers as Blitzo Richard Steven Horvitz as Moxxie Erica Lindbeck as Loona and Millie (pilot) Vivian Nixon as Millie (series) Bryce Pinkham as Stolas (series) Mara Wilson as Mrs. Mayberry Norman Reedus as Striker External links 10691770 Helluva Boss Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows Category:American adult animated TV shows Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows Category:Black comedy TV shows Category:Musical TV shows Category:Fiction about assassination