Family Guy/Season 1

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. Please read Family Guy/Format for notes on how to use and edit this article. Death Has a Shadow Stewie: Excellent. The mind control device is nearing completion. Lois: Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Lois: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen. Stewie: But of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman! Lois: No toys, Stewie. Stewie: Very well then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come. Peter: Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'. Lois: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? [cutaway to a priest giving a sermon at church] Priest: And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body... God: [sitting in one of the pews] Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story. Priest: ...yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity. Peter: [He is seen drinking lots of communion wine, he coughs] Woah, is that really the blood of Christ? Priest: Yes. Peter: Man, that guy musta been wasted 24 hours a day, eh? [cut back to the kitchen] Lois: And then there was that time at the ice cream store... [cutaway to the family at an ice cream store] Peter: Aw, butter rum's my favorite! [licks ice cream and passes out immediately] [cut back to the kitchen] Brian: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? [cutaway to a movie theater. Everyone is sobbing, except for Peter who stares blankly, then claps his hands] Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch! Hanks: [on screen] I have AIDS. [Peter laughing] I Never Met the Dead Man Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon! Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes? Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it? Phone: Can you count to three? Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level. [Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli] Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers! Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli. Stewie: Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are? Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it. Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die. Chitty Chitty Death Bang [in Lois' womb] Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11. Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me. Mind Over Murder Soccer Mom: That's the tenth time today! Nice grab, orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Peter: Hey, hey, hey, easy, fella, that's my kid! Now apologize. Soccer Mom: Okay, I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinkin' blue cheese [As he knocks the can of beer out of Peter's hand] fat ass! Peter: Alright, that's it! [He punches Soccer Dad and everyone gasps] Chris: Way to go, Dad! Boy: Hey, you hit my mom! Peter: No, I hit your dad. Man: Whoa! Stand back! Give her some air! Peter: You mean, give "him" some air. Woman: Call an ambulance! She's going into labor! Peter: You...you mean, "he's" going into labor... [sound of baby wailing] Whoops. A Hero Sits Next Door Meg: So, do you like music? Kevin: Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to? Meg: Uh, you first. Kevin: I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead. [Peter and Chris Watch the Wheel Of Fortune. The puzzle reads "GO _UCK YOURSELF__"] Female Contestant: Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in." [Claps and correct sounds are heard As the puzzle reveals "GO TUCK YOURSELF IN"] Pat Sajak: You got it! Chris: Well, you were close, dad! Peter: Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase "my hairy aunt." The Son Also Draws [Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."] Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps. [The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner] WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham. WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore? Stewie: Stupid greedy savages. Lois: Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their ways but most Native American are a proud, hard-working people who are a true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages. Stewie: Well, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [chuckles] Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage. Meg: Yeah, not like those dumb gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run a gammon from short to tall, and did you know that Sweden gave us brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel? Peter: Yeah. That's more than we got from those free-loading Canadians... Canada sucks! Brian: Portrait of a Dog [Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy] Trebek: [reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products. Peter: [rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea? [after seeing the news about the heat wave] Chris: [about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples! Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister. External links Family Guy 0182576 Family Guy FamilyGuy.com Family Guy Quotes FamilyGuyQuotes.com Family Guy Resources Watch Family Guy Category:Family Guy seasons