Mystery Science Theater 3000/Season 10

Soultaker Pearl: Oh, Frank, I thought you were dead! TV's Frank: I am dead. [pause] I was in Second Banana Heaven for a while, but it is so political up there. Pat Buttram had it in for me right from the start. So, then I was an angel for a while, and then I got into big trouble for appearing to people as Della Reese. Scared the hell out of them. So, they transferred me to Soultaker. Pearl:I knew these two would get along. Soultaker (movie) [All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.] Crow: Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Mike [as Soultaker/Cash]: [singing to "I Walk the Line"] Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit. [The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to 60 Minutes.] Servo: I'm Ed Bradley... Mike: I'm Steve Kroft... Crow: I'm Lesley Stahl... [The title card swoops into view.] Servo [as Don Cornelius]: The SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER! [Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.] Crow: That's not Natalie, that's Tonya Harding! . . .[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: You're dead, Nancy Kerrigan![some jokes about Brad's car]Crow: Ugh, that car must reek of Arby's! . . . Mike: I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of Marlboro Lights and Hardee's out of the upholstery![As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]Natalie: Karen! Mike [as Karen]: Sorry! Love is lifting me up where I belong! . . .[Natalie stomps in frustration.]Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: The lace on my skate broke! . . .[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: Jeff Gillooly did it![A close-up of the Soultaker (played by Joe Estevez) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.] Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you. [A prolonged still shot of a tree as the speeding car approaches.] Mike [as tree]: Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time.[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]Mike: She's survived by her Danskins. . . .[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]Servo [as Natalie/Tonya]: Whoa! Triple salchow really takes it out of you![The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]Tommy: What do you want? Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Do you have a phone, so I can call Martin to take over my role?[The Soultaker hovers over Tommy, preparing to take his soul]The Soultaker: [ominously] It's Closing Time! Servo: Does that mean that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end?[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]Tommy: Thanks![The woman laughs it off.]Mike [as Woman]: I just got assaulted, it's fun![At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? Mike [as Zach/Actor]: Hey, look—you wrote this crap![Natalie lies unconscious in a hospital bed, respirator in mouth.]Mike: [singing in Peter Frampton/talkbox voice] I wanna thank you.[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]Brad: You still haven't figured it out, have you, man? Crow: We have! Can we go?![The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge after a long chase scene.]Crow [as Soultaker]: Muhuhahahahaha! You're it!Soultaker: It's all over now. Servo: Oh, ho, I wish that were true! Crow: Maybe they have this wondrous, frilly wedding in the frou frou land of bunnies where magical fairies blow kisses to the stars, and the polka-dotted toadstools sing, 'Good Ship Lollipop,' to the tiny mice in their little feetie pajamas.[Cuts to a scene with a smiley face balloon as main characters' souls are taken] Crow: Oh sure, just shove the irony down our throats! Girl in Gold Boots Girl in Gold Boots (movie) [The movie opens with scantily clad go-go dancers performing.]Mike: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm projecting my dreams again. . . . Servo: Shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie? . . . Crow: It's a jerk and pony marathon. . . . Servo: Mike, you're a human being. How come you don't have a body like that? . . . Crow: The Kennedy Center tribute to Judy Carne. . . . Mike: Ed Grimley choreographed this dance. . . . Servo: Why does Noam Chomsky insist these women open for him?[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]Crow: What happens when you touch gold? Servo [as Michelle's drunk, dirty father]: Everything I touch turns to flies.[Over a shot of the diner showing the word "EAT"]Servo: They forgot the "ME". Mike: Ah, the nights we lingered over brandy at "Eat".[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]Mike [as Buz]: Wh... oh, a gun. So that was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin! Michelle's Father: Don't get smart with me! Michelle: I'm not getting smart! Mike [as Michelle]: I can't![Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]Buz: What's wrong? Crow [as Michelle]: I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!" [voice over] there goes- (voice over suddenly cuts out) Crow: You can say that ag- Critter: I'll have ten Hershey bars. Crow: Tin Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat. Michelle: That'll be one dollar. Servo [as Critter]: I've got a "Happenings" coupon! Critter: Can you cash a hundred? Michelle: I've never even seen one! Critter: Fifty?[Michelle shakes her head "no."]Mike [as Critter]: Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess.[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]Servo [as Buz]: I'm back! ... Mike [as Buz]: Anybody notice that I'm here now? ... Crow [as Buz]: C'mon, I just teleported here! It's impressive! Critter: Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of Nepalese money. Crow: From the land of Nipples! . . .[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]Mike [as Buz]: Your money's from Senegal! . . .[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]Critter: Yeah, I can come up with my own share. Mike [as Critter]: Ah, here's some Guatemalan quetzal. Gas Station Attendant: Will this be cash or charge? Buz: Cash.[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]Crow: On second thought, I'll just put it on my gun! Servo: Heh, that guy's totally pistol-whipped, man. . . .[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]Mike [as Buz]: Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh. Servo [as Buz]: Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store![Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]Mike: She makes Elaine Benes look like a good dancer.[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]Mike [as Man]: [politely] Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"?[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]Servo [as Man]: No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!"[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]Harry: I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. [Points to Buz.]Mike: Boy?! . . . Leo: Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. [Pulls Buz aside.]Servo: I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties! . . . Crow [as Buz]: Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime! . . .[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]Harry: I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share.[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]Mike [as Harry]: Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor! . . . Mike [as Buz]: Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people and I killed a guy! Servo: Well, what do you expect, he's only a child![The characters drive through Los Angeles. Footage of the drive begins with a display of Christmas trees.]Mike: Hey, they drove straight to Christmas Village to blow the wad. Servo: [Singing to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"] Oh, it's lovely weather for a surfboard together with you... . . .[We see a billboard for Doctor Dolittle starring Rex Harrison.]Mike: Doctor Dolittle? That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy. . . . Servo: I think someone slipped us their vacation videos. Crow: Okay, keep it coming. I'm not convinced they're in L.A. yet. Mike: An 18-story office building? This could only be L.A.! . . . Servo: [singing along with the music] Oh, Charles Manson walks our streets,The Zodiac killer's at large,Charles Bukowski is puking out the window,And Santa Claus is on his way! . . .[The gang drives up to a nightclub labeled "HAUNTED HOUSE".]Crow: Merry Christmas, everyone! Let's go to the Haunted House![At the end of the movie, it's implied that former draft dodger Critter has decided to serve after all.]Servo: Oh, so he learns he enjoys violence, and he's ready to kill like a man oughta. . . .[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]Servo: Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass! Mike: So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form? . . . Servo: She's dancing the specials at T.G.I. Friday's. Crow: Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the Jack Daniel's grill. . . . Critter: [singing] But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by. Servo: [singing] You're living a lie. Critter: [singing] You gotta come down. Servo: [singing] You dance like a clown. Critter: [singing] By and by. Servo: [singing] I hope that you die! Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders Pearl [introducing the movie]: I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders, and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain! Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (movie) [a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]Grandpa: Uh-oh! Crow [as Grandpa]: We better eat all the ice cream![In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]Servo [as the star]: [straining] Twinkle! [grunts] That's all I got.[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]Mike: Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room. Cooper: [snidely] Allow me to introduce myself. Servo [as Cooper]: I'm Bob Jackass.[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]Servo [as Cooper]: Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities![Cooper has inadvertently given himself "dragon's breath" as a side effect of a summoning spell, and subsequently set his basement on fire.]Mike: Clearly, Merlin has brought good into the world![Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]Servo [as Miffy]: Meow, meow... safe! Meow, meow... very safe![Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]Servo [as Madeline]: Honey? You okay down there? Mike [as Cooper]: Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine![Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]Merlin: Don't I get a kiss? Zurella: You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go! Mike: So, she threatened him with sex?[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]Mike: Why, here's something else Satan created: Japanimation! Servo: It's the anime version of Peter Rabbit. David: [seeking help from a psychic in regards to the monkey] Why do I have to deal with it alone? Adrianne: Listen to me, David! As a psychic, I have an aura of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense! Servo [as Adrianne]: Wake up! Adrianne: The moment I set foot in your house, all hell would break loose, literally! David: Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about evil spirits- Adrianne: [seemingly agitated] Get that toy out of your house! Mike [as Adrianne]: You idiot! David: I have a feeling that's not going to be so easy to do. [Adrianne gives David a medallion]Crow [as Adrianne]: You want some peanuts? David: What's that? Adrianne: It's called a bethogram. Servo [as Adrianne]: I sense the demon's name is Beth. David: This is supposed to protect me from the demon, huh? Adrianne: Yes, just keep it in your possession at all times. David: Great, should I wear garlic around my neck, too? Adrianne: My God, David! Mike [as Adrianne]: You moron! David: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just wish that you could come- Adrianne: I know! I am sorry! I wish I could do the exorcism for you, but this is something you'll have to do on your own! Crow [as Adrianne]: Damn it! Adrianne: And remember David, NEVER let it know! Servo [as Adrianne]: You stupid bastard! I could stab you in the eyes right now, so help me God!!![David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]David: God help me! Servo [as God]: Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. [muttering] You're on your own. Crow [as Merlin]: I'm going to hit the mystical can. . . . Crow [as Merlin]: Remember to believe in magic... or I'll kill you. Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]: I did a good job painting this room Crow: And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief! Servo [as the kid]: No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please! Crow [as Grandpa Borgnine]: Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse![Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]Merlin: Heed my words.... Mike [as Merlin]: ...munch my shorts....[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]Cooper: Do you know who I am? I am the supreme being! Servo: Clapton? Cooper: I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet. Mike: [laughs] Why?[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]Merlin: Ohh, Mrs. Cooper... Mike [as Merlin]: ...you fine![A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]Crow : Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit.[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]Servo [as the Kid]: [slowly] Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy![Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]Cooper: You really think you are Merlin, don't you? Crow [as Cooper]: My cheek-lines disagree.[Grandpa, played by Ernest Borgnine, has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]Crow [as Grandpa]: I have another script called Chinatown, but I don't like it as much. Future War Future War (movie) [Credits read: "A David Hue production"].Mike: In association with Bob Tet Offensive Productions.[The opening credits identify actor Robert Z'Dar.]Servo: Oh z'no.[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor Daniel Bernhardt) creeps along a wall.]Servo: Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme! Mike: Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]Crow [as Fred]: Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember.[A midget Tyrannosaurus rex (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]Crow: He's a Cute-a-saurus![The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]Servo: He's being attacked by a schnauzer in a dinosaur costume.[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]Mike: [laughs] Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]Servo: Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare![A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]Mike: You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster.[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]Mike: Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight. . . . Mike: Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas? . . .[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]Crow: He's boxed in! Mike: Yeah, well, I'm card-bored. Mike:Alright there should be a delay of movie penalty Servo [makes whistle sound] fifteen yards.[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]: So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right? Ann: Hey, how did you know who I was? Officer: Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go. Mike: Fred Burrows? Servo: Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows. ...[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]Crow [as the Runaway]: Fred Burrows! Help me![Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]Ann: DRIIIIIVE! Mike: SUUUUURGE! Ann: DRIIIIIIIIVE!Crow [as driver]: Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go faster, then you need to tell me that.[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]Mike: According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock.[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]Crow: Introducing new, faster seconds![As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]Crow [as Ann]: I'm fretting. See, audience? I'm fretting. Servo: This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf. Mike: Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed.[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]Crow: OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it.[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]Mike: Huh??Servo: The movie that packs more "Huhs" per second! Ann: Everything he wanted was everything I needed... Crow [as Ann]: So neither of us actually got anything. Crow: I could mention that this isn't the future and it's not a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain. Blood Waters of Dr. Z Blood Waters of Dr. Z (movie) Servo: Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem.[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.] Mike: Please enjoy a fish anus. [Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the walking catfish moves.] Narrator: Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail. Crow [as Narrator]: ...like Courtney Love. [Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.] Mike: He's a Cop-a-feel-acanth. [INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her jumpsuit.] Servo: Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit? Crow: A-are you sure you're buying the right kind of jumpsuit? Mike: Hmmm... [Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.] Servo: [excited] Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? Catfish Hunter, that's who! Ha ha ha! Mike: [unimpressed] Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name. Crow: Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work. Servo: [deflated] Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often. Mike: But it only works if you get the correct, current name. Servo: [disappointed] So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh... . . . Mike: Tom, are... are you sulking? Servo: [angrily] No! Mike: Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke... Crow: No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick... Mike: Ssshh! He's suffered enough. Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues... Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues... (movie) Servo: And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone! [During a scene set amongst ardent University of Arkansas football fans.] Mike: A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a cheese wedge. [As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.] Servo: And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying rat. [Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.] Doc: Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student. Servo [as Doc]: Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute. Mike [as Lockhart]: We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch. [Doc enters a backwater country store which has no obvious merchandise, other than a turquoise, plastic pith helmet.] Crow [as Lockhart]: Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets? [Doc and party get ready to leave the backwater country store.] Servo: Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the War against Northern Aggression? [Tim is walking around shirtless] Crow: Geez, kid, do a push-up. [In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.] Mike [as the Creature]: Well, I'll be damned... farmers do exist! [Shirtless Tim walks up to someone's front door.] Crow [as Tim]: Can I borrow a cup of shirt? [Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.] Servo: Lucy Bra-less! Leslie: [Over a walkie-talkie.] Tanya, do you read? Mike [as Tanya]: Third grade level! [Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.] Crow [as Doc]: Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my gaydar. . . . Doc: [over CB] Tim? Crow [as Tim]: Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie? [Doc is in the woods, as Leslie watches for the creature on the radar back at base camp.] Leslie: [over the walkie-talkie] He's close to you! Doc: My left or my right? Servo: Well, which way are you facing, idiot? [Doc finishes narrating as his group begins walking up some stairs to Crenshaw's place.] Mike [as Doc]: I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets. Track of the Moon Beast Pearl: Brain-Dead, let's send these guys, Track of the Moon Beast. It stars nobody, and features nothing. I hope you gag on it. Track of the Moon Beast (movie) [Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.] Kathy: Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"? Paul: Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one. Mike [as Paul]: Like Wahoo McDaniel. Paul: It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark". Crow [as Kathy]: Oh! Is he seeing anyone? [During one of Johnny Longbow's long-winded monologues, thunder rumbles in the distance.] Crow [as God]: Stop talking, Johnny Longbone(sic)! [A meteor has just landed right by Paul and Kathy.] Kathy: Paul, are you alright? What happened? Servo: She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" a lot. [Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.] Paul: I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place. Servo: Dozens! No, hundreds of antiseptics! Kathy: Your place? Paul: Yeah, my place. Mike: I call it "Antiseptic Manor." Kathy: Fine. Your place, then. [Thunder rumbles.] Crow [as God]: Not his place! Fornicators! [Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.] Servo [as Paul]: Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth. [Paul rises after fainting.] Paul: I guess I blacked out. Mike: Um, excuse me, you African-Americaned out. [Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.]Mike: He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom! Crow: Maybe he has a trampoline in there. . . .[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]Mike [as Lizard]: Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do?[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]Crow: Tha— That's just a picture of the moon! Servo: Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute.[Two young Native American boys practice archery, while stereotypical "Indian" music plays on the soundtrack.]Mike [as Boy]: Thanks for the stereotype music![As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]Mike: Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.... has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down was an error message that became infamous for its wording and overuse in early, less-stable versions of Microsoft Windows.[Johnny and Captain Mac, looking for Paul, drive past a road sign for U.S. Route 66.]Crow: Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee![Johnny tells Kathy of his plan to give Paul a quick death.]Kathy: Johnny, you can't do this! Paul's your friend! Paul— Johnny: PAUL IS NOT PAUL ANYMORE! Crow [as Johnny]: HE'S SUPER PAUL![Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]Servo [as Johnny]: I see... a huge casino! Mike: Oh, come on. Final Justice Final Justice (movie) Mike: Aw, can't I have just one more justice?[Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]Crow: In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times![The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]Palermo: [After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.] You son of a-- [Audio edit]! Mike: ...what? Servo: Huh. What do you think he's a son of? Son of a preacher man? Son of a son of a sailor, maybe? . . . Palermo: You son of a-- [Audio edit]! Servo [as Palermo]: Uh... something! . . . Geronimo: Get off your knees, you son of a-- [Audio edit]! Mike [as Geronimo]: Same thing you said! . . . Palermo: I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- [Audio edit]! Servo [as Palermo]: I'll kill you, but I won't curse you! . . .[Much, much later in the movie...]Servo: Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- [Audio edit]!" Geronimo: You've got the right to remain silent. Mike: Oh, he is a real cop! Geronimo: [Knocks the suspect out.] And all that other ****. Mike: ...oh.[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palermo to Italy.]Wilson: Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government. Mike [as Wilson]: That's hard to do! Crow: Guests of Final Justice fly TWA. Mike: Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37.[Geronimo has challenged a villain to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.] Servo: Ugh, he's sweating palm kernel oil! [In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.] Mike [as Announcer]: Cars provided by Matchbox. Maltese taxi driver: Do you know John Wayne? Mike [as Geronimo]: Gacy, yes! [Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.] Crow: Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts! . . . [As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.] Servo: And God sends a door chassis from Heaven. [In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.] Servo: The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly. Geronimo: Carnival? Is it a big carnival? Crow [as Geronimo]: Can I get a balloon? [Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.] Mike: Guess he's a... felonious monk! . . . Servo [as Palermo]: I'm gonna nail some theses to his head! [Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit] Mike: Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger. [In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.] Servo: Our hero: a big, stinky cheater! [Over the end credits theme, "You Better Run" by Bill Scott] Bill Scott: You better ru-u-un Servo: Or he'll steal your lunch! Bill Scott: You better hi-i-ide Crow: ...your lu-u-unch! Bill Scott: You better ru-u-un Mike: Cause he's got the runs! Bill Scott: Cause he won't stop till he gets his man Crow: Or your lu-u-unch! Mike: Oh yeah! Servo: Woo! Crow: Lay it! . . . Bill Scott: They say his kind isn't bound for heaven/The ranger... Crow: Takes a roast and wraps it in bacon Bill Scott: That may be true Servo: But there's potatoes on the si-i-ide! Woo! Crow: Yeah! Pass the gravy now! Mike: You know, maybe we should lay off the food jokes, guys. Crow: Yeah, I guess it's not really fair to Joe Don Baker. Mike: I mean, some people just metabolize a little slower – Servo: MEATBALLS FRIED IN LA-A-ARD! Crow: All right, Servo! Sorry, Mike, all bets are off. Mike: Oh, come on now. Crow and Servo: Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, munch, munch, munch, munch, chew, chew, chew, chew, gorge, gorge, gorge, gorge, burp, burp, burp, burp, STUFF LOTS OF FOOD IN YOUR MEAN BABY FA-A-ACE! Mike: Oh, now you guys prepared that. Crow: Come on, it's an obvious line, Mike. Servo: Pork chops, cream puffs, candy bars! Crow: Pizzas, Cheetos, Mallomars! Servo: He won't stop till he eats it a-a-all! Mike [leaves]: Yeah, OK, that's it. I'm going, you guys. Do your food jokes. Crow: Yeah! Give me seconds, baby! Servo: Hey, baby, you gonna finish that? Crow: Anyone gonna eat that last piece of cake? 'Cause I will! Servo: Aw, somebody give me a napkin! Hamlet Hamlet (movie) [The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.] Mike: San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare. [The members of court are performing a dance.] Servo: [singing] "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!" [A disheveled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.] Servo [as Hamlet]: Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet. . . . [Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.] Mike [as Hamlet]: [in stoner voice] Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen. Crow [as Hamlet]: Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project? Servo [as the Ghost]: SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story. [Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".] Ophelia: My prince… Servo [as Ophelia]: … are back from Fotomat. . . . Hamlet: I never gave you aught. Crow [as Ophelia]: Tscha! Ophelia: My honored prince… you know right well you did. Servo [as Hamlet]: Right well did not! King Claudius: I like him not... Crow [as Claudius]: I like him. NOT! Hamlet: To be or not to be... Mike: The literary equivalent of "Da-da-da-dunnn!" Hamlet: That is the question. Crow: I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex. Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler! Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? Mike: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair. Hamlet: To die: to sleep. Crow: Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub. Hamlet: No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... Mike: Ok, we need a predicate, now. Hamlet:...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man! [snickers] Mike: Oh, you... Hamlet: To die, to sleep. Servo: To SLEEP! Mike: Whoa, that's an old chestnut. Hamlet: To sleep... Servo: To SLEEEEEP Hamlet: Perchance to DREAM? Servo: The impossible DREAM? Hamlet: Aye, there's the rub. Mike: I knew I had some rub left... . . . Hamlet: ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? Crow: Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe. Hamlet: Who would fardels bear... Mike': Ha, fardels... . . . Hamlet: And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others-- Servo: SUM UP! Hamlet: --that we know not of? . . . Mike: So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say! [Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.]Hamlet: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool! Crow [as Polonius]: Oh, right, it's my fault you killed me. Hamlet: Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum. Servo [as Hamlet]: Fifty thousand, maybe.[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]Hamlet: Give us the foils. Servo [as Hamlet]: We shall some potatoes bake.[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]Claudius: Here, to thy health. Servo [as Claudius]: ...coming to a sudden end.[Claudius can only stare helplessly as Gertrude drinks the poison meant for Hamlet.]Mike [as Claudius]: Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again...[As the film ends, a card is shown reading "You have seen Hamlet by William Shakespeare."]Mike: Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball". It Lives by Night It Lives by Night (movie) Crow: Well, it shouldn't drink so much coffee![Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]Mike [as Kipling]: Posed like this in Playgirl, only without my pants![Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]Mike [as Kipling]: Um... do you have any drug allergies?[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]Cathy: Dr. Kipling? Servo [as Cathy]: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's waiting for you. . . . Dr. Kipling: Mrs. Beck... Mike [as Kipling]: ...you're a loser, baby.[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]Crow: Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house?[Cathy, now apparently a bat as well, walks back into the caves to join her husband]Crow: Now, wait a minute... how did she turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and...[Pause]Crow: [horrified] ...Oh, my god.Servo: [disgusted] GAH![They rush out of the theater]Crow: OH MY GOD! I get the shower first! Servo: No, me first! Mike: Urgh! Horrors of Spider Island Horrors of Spider Island (movie) Mike: Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet. Crow: It's a dames and broads audition.[Temple Foster is listed in the credits.]Servo: Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]Servo: Lucky sign![Linda begins stripping during the interview]Linda: Shall I dance for you? Crow: Yes! For God's sakes, yes![Gary looks around the island when the crew first lands on the shore]Crow [as Gary]: I see a tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget![Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]Mike: Man, they're future governors of Minnesota![A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]Joe: For you, the worst girl in the world is too good. Servo [as Bobby]: But I like Tonya Harding! . . .[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]Servo [as Bobby]: Boy! Defending my misogyny really takes commitment![Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]Georgia: Gary! Crow [as Georgia]: Your infidelity mildly irritates me! Gary: This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore! Servo [as Gary]: Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees! Crow [as Gary]: It's pretty windy too! And high humidity! Ann: [trying to get the attention of a passing ship] They must see us! They can't just leave us here! Hello! Hello! May: Stop all that screaming, Ann. You're driving me crazy. Ann: Let me go! Hello, take us with you! Mike: [the ship passes by] Damn Californian, it never helps anyone. [The moonlight casts the shadow of a palm tree against the side of the cabin.]Mike: Look at that shadow - it's Sideshow Bob![Bobby starts shadow boxing while walking.]Crow: He saw an air molecule that respects women.[Bobby wanders off into the jungle to the tune of Vince Guaraldi-esque piano music.]Crow: Soundtrack by Schroeder.[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]Mike: ...Hey![The words "The End" abruptly appear]Servo: So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent! We're outta here! Squirm A Case of Spring Fever (short) Servo: Me? I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale. Coily the Spring Sprite: So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish! Crow [as Coily]: ...In HELL![After Gilbert, a rather rotund man, wishes there were no springs, Coily magically makes them disappear from the world.]Mike: So, one clod says one thing and the whole world pays??? Crow [as Gilbert]: No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf.[Gilbert proceeds to leave his house for the golf game. He closes the door, but due to the lack of springs in the door lock, it bounces back open.]Coily: Hey! The door! Servo [as Coily]: I own your ass, fatboy! Get back here![After Gilbert discovers he can't even operate his car without springs, Coily appears.]Coily: Noooo springs! [laughs]Gilbert: Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish. Coily: [rubs chin in thought] Wellll... Mike [as Coily]: NO! Coily: Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again! . . .[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]Servo: So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly?[After his experience with Coily, Gilbert turns his golf game with his friends into a massive filibuster about the greatness of springs.]]Gilbert: [After a friend makes a bad shot in their game.] Too bad... Servo [as Gilbert]: ...but if you didn't hate springs so much, that wouldn't have happened! . . . Gilbert: You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape... Mike [as Gilbert]: ...by anti-spring extremists.[After several jump cuts and the end of the game, Gilbert's lecture is still going on, much to the annoyance of his friends and the MST3K crew.]Gilbert: I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks... Mike [as friend]: Guns, huh? . . . Gilbert: Why, it's practically impossible to name anything in which a spring isn't an essential part in one way or another! [inexplicably looks into sky]Crow [as Gilbert]: Hey, look! God has a spring![Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]Gilbert: Hey, Joe! Wake up! Crow [as Gilbert]: It's Coily's army of darkness! Look! . . . Joe: You and your springs! I hope I never see another— Gilbert: Stop! Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live![Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]Servo [as Coily]: You'll be the first to die!["A Jam Handy Production" credit is shown]Crow: Jam Handy, reminds you to keep your preserves in a convenient place! Squirm (movie) [The title SQUIRM appears on the screen.]Mike: Well, I don't know why, but okay.[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.][the preface ends with "This is the story..."]Mike: [dramatically] Of a man named Jed! Servo [as Granny Clampett]: JEDDDDD!!![Mick leaves Geri in the boat with Roger]Crow: Save the girl or go antiquing... Hmm... Antiques, here I come![Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]Roger: You gonna be da worm face! Mike: No, you gonna be da worm face![Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]Mama: Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in. Mike [as Geri]: Mom, you don't even have a butt. Mama: I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come. Crow [as Geri]: Mother! That's private. Mama Sanders: [in her exaggerated Southern accent] I never saw such a storm... Crow [as Mama]: I do hope Ashley Wilkes can get through.[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]Geri: Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases. Mama Sanders: Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room. Servo [as Mama Sanders]: ... along with Daddy.[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]Mick: No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark. Servo [as Geri]: Mom cracked in 1953.[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sanders' home from outside in the dark.]Servo [as Roger/Stevie Wonder]: Isn't she lovely?[Geri's car bounces quite violently on a pothole]Servo [as Coily]: Noooo springs![As the movie is ending]Servo: Please, folks, remember to worm your dog. Mike: And if you do start a worm farm, do not raise flesh-eating intelligent millipedes by mistake. Crow: And if you have red hair, do not mate. Diabolik Pearl: Look, Nelson. Move on. I am.[At home, the gang watches The Crawling Eye, the first film in MST3K's cable run; While it's reveleaed that Gypsy has started her own company.]Servo: "The Crawling Eye". The Marty Feldman Story. Mike: Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in. Crow: This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it? Servo: Hmmm. Diabolik (movie) [Diabolik drives off down a highway as 60s spy-themed music plays in the background.]Crow: [singing along with the music] Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah...[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]Crow:Y'know, this music would be better with women in bikinis shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really.[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]Servo [as Diabolik]: Let's have a tantric quickie. Mike [as Eva]: Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store. Servo: This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel. Crow: Heh! She's a great samaritan! Servo [as Diabolik]: You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you?[Diabolik drives into his lair through a rather conspicuous hidden entrance.]Servo [as Diabolik]: This will fool them unless they look at it.[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]Mike: Wow! Dangerously steep stairs! Servo: You're watching the stairs? Crow: Poor Mike...[Eva and Diabolik make love in a pile of money.]Servo: They're really gonna have to get their money laundered. Crow: Steve Forbes and his wife! . . . Mike: You know, with my budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change. . . . Servo: Paper cuts are brutal. . . . Crow: The young Alan Greenspan! . . . Servo: They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars. . . . Mike: If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better. . . . Servo [as Diabolik]: You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster! . . . Crow: You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now. . . . Crow: Got greed? Servo: Member, FDIC! [chuckles][During a press conference, Diabolik and Eva have released laughing gas into the room. Everyone breaks into laughter.]Servo: Dan Quayle announces his candidacy.[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]Mike: The S. S. Jo Anne Worley! Valmont: Is that Stud... coming? Crow: I beg your pardon?[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.][Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]Servo [as Diabolik]: My steel, reusable Fleet. Mike [as Diabolik]: Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him. Mike:They make love in English pound notes — their sex is 50% better!"[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]Servo: This has been the official biopic of Larry Fine.The series' final riff Ralph Valmont: [the final stinger of the original run of MST3K]'' Is that Stud... coming?