Mystery Science Theater 3000

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999; 2017–2018; 2022; 2026–present) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by riffing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing erudite cultural quips with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 230 movies, 73 shorts, and 4 specials in the MST3K canon. (See Notes below for help on using this page.) KTMA 00 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21   S1 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13   S2 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13   S3 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 S4 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 S5 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 S6 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 S7 01 02 03 04 05 06   MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)   S8 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22   S9 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13   S10 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13   S11 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14   S12 01 02 03 04 05 06   S13 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13   Short 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20   21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40   41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60   Spec 01 02 03 04   Unknown episode   Notes Major cast See also External links Notes How to use this page. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a tooltip. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.) What kind of quotes to add. Much of the humor in Mystery Science Theater 3000 comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes do include MST3K humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations). How to format quotes. See the discussion page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines. What do the colors mean? The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for MST3K: KTMA: Season 0 Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt Comedy Central: Season 1 Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5 Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6 Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank Comedy Central: Season 7 Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester Gramercy: MST3K: The Movie Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10 Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer Short features (various seasons) (various casts & channels) CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews) Mike & the Bots KTMA (Season 0) The Green Slime Man: That's an asteroid! Joel: That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!The promotional riff of the series. Pilot: Take us into the number two position, will you? Joel: [getting up to leave] Speaking of the number two position... Joel: Hey, Crow. Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson? Joel: I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out. Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out? Joel: It was on 8-track.[Gypsy and Crow laugh.] Invaders from the Deep Captain Troy Tempest: No visible sign of trouble. Joel: Not yet. Tempest: Down SVC. Standby to surface. Lt. George "Phones" Sheridan: Standing by. Tempest: Right. Blow 1. Phones: Blow 1. Joel [as Tempest]: Pull my finger.[as Marina, Tempest, and Phones dive through an underwater cave]Joel: They stay down pretty good for being made out of wood.[as Tempest and Phones are immobilized by a pink ray]Joel: Are they sweating or is that sap? ... Crow: Forced to watch their own movie. How horrible.[as Commander Sam Shore paces in a hover-chair]Joel: Oh he's pacing, right? Crow: His boots weren't made for walking.[as Stingray comes upon a deep extinct volcano]Crow: They're lucky to find an extinct volcano. I didn't even know they were endangered.[as Stingray settles on the fairly well lit seabed of the underwater volcano]Crow: That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea. Joel: I was just gonna say that. Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars [after Breck is shot and falls from his position]Joel: You know that puppet does his own stunts. Crow: Does he really? Servo: I personally don't believe that puppets should be on TV.[SID announces the return of Captain Scarlet to Lunarville 7]Lunar Controller: They've come back. Orson, bring them here at once. Orson: Yes, sir. Lunar Controller: What they have seen must never get back to Earth. Bring them here. Captain Scarlet: [entering the room] There's no need, Lunar Controller. On the assumption that his first note would be rejected and subject to our investigation, the World President authorized me to place you under close arrest, and escort you back to Earth. Lunar Controller: Arrest me? You are fools, Earth men. Already a complex is being built. Soon, the Mysterons will come to take over the moon, and then the Earth. Captain Scarlet: We have seen the complex, and it will be destroyed. Lunar Controller: No. You will never leave the moon alive. Any of you. Captain Scarlet: SID, prepare a Lunar rocket for immediate launch. We are leaving at once for the Earth. Lunar Controller: Don't waste your breath. SID: A Lunar rocket is ready at bay three. Lunar Controller: No! SID, this is the Lunar Controller. Seal all exits! Captain Scarlet: Come on. Servo: [imitating a seal] Get it? Seal? ... never mind. Lunar Controller: SID. I am giving you an order! Orson, seize them![Captain Blue knocks out Orson]Captain Blue: Let's go! Lunar Controller: [standing in front of SID] I command you! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! Servo: [imitating a seal again]Joel: Okay, I get it... Captain Scarlet: It's no good, Lunar Controller, SID cannot identify you. Servo: I figured you would. Captain Scarlet: I changed recognition disks with you last night. Lunar Controller: [getting desperate] SID! This is the Lunar Controller! Stop them!!! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! SID: I'm sorry. Your recognition disk cannot authorize that. Lunar Controller: Obey! OBEY! SEAL ALL EXITS! SID: I am sorry. Your recognition disk does not authorize that. ... Lunar Controller: [pointing a gun at SID] This is your last chance, SID! Seal all exits! SID: I am sorry. Your recognition disk- [Lunar Controller begins to shoot SID repeatedly, causing SID to malfunction catastrophically] I... AM... SORRY... ... Lunar Controller: [continuing to shoot SID repeatedly as an alarm sounds throughout the base] Obey! OBEY!!! Joel: Alright already! Crow: You know, there was an off switch, dumb-o.[SID begins exploding, and destroying Lunarville 7]SID: I... AM... SORRY... I... AM... SOOOOORRRRRYYYYY...Joel: I'm sorry you two had to see that. Crow: It wasn't pretty. Servo: I'm all choked up. Star Force: Fugitive Alien II Ken: Captain Joe, you don't necessarily have to get swallowed up in a black hole. If you chart your course carefully, you can go through a tunnel out to a white hole in safety. It's a tricky maneuver. Dan: Where did you hear that? Ken: Where did I hear it? I'm afraid I don't remember. I guess it was at one of those scientific briefings I attended. Servo: I don't think they should try it, they can't even get their lips to move with the words.[During an effects sequence.]Servo: They must've spent tens of dollars on this. Colonel Yurulin: [attempting a takeover of Bacchus III] Black hole ahead! If we get any closer, it'll swallow us! I ordered you to change course to starboard! Ken! Starboard course! Servo: I would do my black hole jokes, but they all suck. [Crow and Joel groan] [as a desert tornado begins to blow the sand off of Bacchus III, freeing the ship]Joel: It's a twister! Crow: Dorothy! Dorothy! Auntie Em! Toto! Servo: Toto too? ...[music plays as the sand is blown away]Crow: It's not the wind, it's a men's choir.[after the crew of Bacchus III has successfully destroyed the Saysar weapon]Captain Joe: I came up to tell you how proud I am of you guys. You're the greatest crew a captain ever had. Servo [as Joe]: Thank you for shooting me with a dart. Ken: [seeing his "mother" running away] There she is again! Mother! Why does she always run away? Crow: Could be your breath. Joel: Maybe you're mistaken? Servo: Maybe it's a trap.[as Ken prepares to leave Bacchus III, and is bidding the crew farewell]Ken: Dan... Dan: We've been through a lot together. Ken: Yeah. Servo: Except for a good movie. Gamera vs. Barugon Joel: Hey, thanks a lot for calling in last week, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages. Servo: Hey Joel, let's listen to one of the messages! Joel: Alright, that's a good idea. Hey Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen and give it to me one time, CG bold helvetica straight up on two? Caller 1: I enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway. Servo: What a complete wing-nut! Joel: Well listen, Servo, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great. Crow: Is that so, Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an antispasmodic. Servo: Could I say something to our friendly caller, Joel? Joel: Of course, Servo. Servo: Hey buddy, is that your head, or did your neck grow a bubble? Joel: Hey you should talk, listen I think we should listen to another one. Caller 2: [excitedly] Great stuff! More more more MORE MORE!!! GIMME MORE!!! I WANT MOOOOOOOORE!!!! Crow: Oh, he must mean Dave Moore. Servo: No, he's on TV 4. Crow: No, that's Moore On 4. Servo: No, that's a black gospel singing group. Crow: No, that's Moore By Four. Servo: Isn't that an off road truck? Crow: No, that's a 4x4. Servo: No you're thinking of a 2x4. Crow: No, that's a CB term, you know uh, "2-4, good buddy." Servo: No, that's 10-4- no, that's a tax form you fill out. Crow: No, that's 1040- my favorite lubricant! Japanese General: Operation Rear View Mirror has failed. Servo: Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice. Gamera Crow: Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at— [a spray of liquid nitrogen turns Crow frozen mid-sentence] —AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Joel: See, I told you guys it would work.[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]Dr. Hidaka: The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere.[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]Joel: There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]Kenny: Tibby? Tibby? Tibby? Joel: Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him.[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]Joel [as Catherine]: When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole box of gravel. Gamera vs. Gaos [While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]Joel: All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy. Gypsy: Yeah, grow a brain already![While opening credits roll with a background showing the ocean.]Joel: The Ocean; the beginning of all life... and all Sandy Frank films. Gamera vs. Zigra [A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]Servo: Oh my God, it's Gordon Lightfoot! Helen: I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera! Joel: Keep your shirt on, honey. Gamera vs. Guiron [after Gyaos's leg is cut off by his own beam attack]Servo: He doesn't have a leg to stand on. Crow: That's a lame joke. Servo: They can call him Ilene now. Joel: He's hopping mad. Crow: Went out on a limb for that one. Tom: Looks like it's trying to run away. Akio: I don't think so. It's trying to attack from behind. Servo: Maybe the kids should help him. Give him a leg up. Servo: Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat. Phase IV Crow: Looks kinda skinny. Must be a Carpenter ant. [chuckling] Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause— Joel: [horrified] Oh no... Crow: Never mind. Joel: You don't mean that... Servo: Ant-orexic. Crow: [laughs] See? Servo got it. Servo: You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in The Flintstones. Crow: I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes.[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]Crow: Hope no one's eating rice at this point. Servo: So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth? Crow: Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill Sandy Frank! Servo: Oh, that's just a given![While the end credits roll.]Crow: I thought it was deep... Joel: What did you think, Servo? Servo: I thought it was pathetic. Crow: So deep, we should've been wearing boots. Servo: This made flying turtles look good. Cosmic Princess [Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]Joel: Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster. Servo: [deadpan] Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling. Crow: I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money.[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]Tony: 1... 2... Servo [as Tony]: 3... Tony: 5... Joel, Crow, Servo: What?! Tony: 6... Joel: That's why they're in such trouble. Tony: 7... 4. Crow: Well, they are British.[During the credits.]Crow: Nick Brimble! I had a knick on my Brimble once. Humanoid Woman Joel: The plot thickens. Servo: Like rancid pea soup. Fugitive Alien Joel: Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet. SST: Death Flight [Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]Angela: [vapidly] Hello![The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]Crow [as Attendant]: Please put your brain under the seat in front of you.[Passengers are boarding.]Crow [as Attendant]: Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off.[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen. Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane. Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black… Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]Carla Stanley: Please, do something! We'll all be killed! Crow: I guess she's in charge of panicking. Servo [as Kingman]: Okay, all the actors form a line! "Love Boat" on the left, "Fantasy Island" on the right! Mighty Jack [The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]Joel: So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing? Superdome [Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]Crow: Magnum, deep fried.[The film ends just before the kickoff.]Announcer: There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same. Servo: [annoyed] Who won? Crow: I know I'll never be quite the same. Joel: This movie's history. Crow: We're history. Joel: Let's go.[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]Servo: Who won? ... Who won? ... Who won the game?! City on Fire Dr. Erhardt: We got a letter from the Mad Scientist League. They say they're gonna revoke our licenses--that we're not really mad enough! Dr. Forrester: I know, look, it says here, at best we're Mildly Peeved Researchers.[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]Servo: Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha–[Barry Newman's credit appears.]Crow: Like Barry Newman. Servo: So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night. Crow: I bet this was made in Canada. Servo: Oui.[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]Dr. Whitman: You all know "Follow the Leader"? Crow: This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor".[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]Servo [as Diana]: Doctor, I think we got our blood donor![A woman is going into labor.]Crow: Get a catcher's mitt! Joel: Boil some water. Crow: Boil some newspapers! Crow: Kinda sorry Shelley bought it. Joel: Yeah... kinda of a shame. Servo: She bought it, but we paid for it. Time of the Apes [In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]Crow: Someone wants to admit that they wrote this?[Still shot of two gorillas]Crow: Oh look, it's Shelley Winters and Ernest Borgnine. The Million Eyes of Sumuru [CIA agent Tommy (pop idol Frankie Avalon) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]Joel: Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain. Crow: Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern. . . . Tommy: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah! Joel: Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind! Hangar 18 The Last Chase [a credit for the Canadian Film Development Corporation appears]Crow: Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it SUCKED!! The "Legend of Dinosaurs" Servo: It's Brooke Shields, the Creature from the Blue Lagoon! Reporter: Everyone is asking the same question... Servo: Why am I watching this?[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]Joel: It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie. Season 1 The Crawling Eye Servo: [first riff; displaying a mountainside] This must be a Paramount Picture.[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off! Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing.[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]Servo [as Conductor]: Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.[A woman- Anne- stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]Joel [as mountain]: [deeply] I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say. Anne: [after being asked by her sister if she's troubled by anything] I feel wonderful; I just wish others would stop treating me like an invalid. Joel: How about a wheelchair?[after Anne falls on top of Alan Brooks (played by Forrest Tucker) as he's reading his newspaper]Alan Brooks: It's fine. It was just the baseball scores. Joel: It's just a prop, anyway. Alan Brooks: [he and Prof. Crevett are discussing the recent string of climbing accidents on the mountain] Where people climb mountains, there are lots of accidents. Prof. Crevett: That's true; and sometimes- the bodies- they disappear. But here, the search parties go out, and always they find nothing. Why do you suppose that is? Servo: [as Brooks] They're not good search parties?[the titular eye finally appears as a young girl rushes back into the hotel on the mountain to retrieve her toy ball]Joel: It thinks that ball is one of its pupils. Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death? Servo: Is there a sequel to this movie? Crow: Yeah; The Eye-ger Sanction! Servo: Starring Burl Eye-ves.[Joel chastises the bots for continuous eye puns; however, moments later...]Joel: I spy with my little eye... Servo: You hypocrite![Anne is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike. Alan Brooks tends to her]Alan Brooks: Let's get you outside and have some fresh air. Servo: I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now. Gypsy: I got an itch! Dr. Ernhardt: [entering Deep 13; first lines] Clay; Clay, I think I was spotted on my way down here! Dr. Forrester: Did you wear your disguise? Dr. Ernhardt: I was, but I just don't look that good in heels. Dr. Forrester: No-one must know we're down here doing this! Dr. Ernhardt: [meekly] I'm sorry. The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy [Erhardt and Forrester are preparing an invention for the Mad Scientist Convention]Dr. Erhardt: [to Forrester] Promise me if you lose the contest you aren't going to blow up the whole convention center again. Dr. Forrester: I only did that once! [Erhardt sternly clears his throat] OK, twice. Dr. Erhardt: It was three times! Dr. Forrester: The third time I used the incendiaries, and it didn't make the building blow up, it just made it burn. Really... quickly. Dr. Erhardt: [while introducing their creation for the Invention Exchange, a chalkboard vinyl on a record player] Okay- so you're throwing a party, it's 3 AM, and none of the guests are leaving. That's when you bring out the Chalkman! Dr. Forrester: Yes, as every self-respecting scientist knows, the sound of human fingernails on a chalkboard is most annoying. It initiates the primal fear response in all mammals, much like a chimpanzee scurrying across the plains of the Serengeti. Simply put your Chalkman on the platen. [shows record] Now this is a real chalkboard. (Set on) Side B; excellent. And you'll just notice the tonearm has real human fingernails embedded in the hand, now place it on the platen... [scratches the disc, creating a shrill sound] Now open it. Dr. Erhardt: They'll stay. Dr. Forrester: Close it. [shrill scratching sound continues]Dr. Erhardt: They'll leave. Dr. Forrester: And so on and so forth. Servo: [attempting to shoo away a swarm of Demon Dogs from the Satellite of Love] Puppy party's over; everybody off! This is Tom Servo, your worst doggy nightmare! Enoch, King of the Demon Dogs: [as he explains he's willing to help drive away the Dogs] First we'll exchange pleasantries, then, we will drink Tranya. Crow: [snarkily] From a dish off the floor, boy?[Joel and the bots succeed in shooing away the Demon Dogs by firing a ball-shaped probe into space for the dogs to fetch]Joel: Alright, they're gone! Servo: Joel, I don't mean to be a killjoy; but doesn't fetch mean "go get and bring back"? Joel: D'oh! Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short) [two thugs hired by the Moon Men try to sneak behind Cody whilst he is working in his lab]Servo: Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that![Commando Cody flies across the moon surface, surveying the terrain]Joel: Hey, the moon looks just like Arizona, you guys![A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]Crow [as Retik/Larry]: I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon. Commando Cody: Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth? Servo [as Retik]: It's an election year. Retik: Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion. Commando Cody: Why do you want to invade the Earth? Retik: Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses. Joel [as Cody]: Get a humidifier! The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie) [Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca. Joel [as Dr. Almada]: The god of decaffeinated coffee. Dr. Almada: They were discovered by the tribal priests.[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]Servo [as Dr. Almada]: They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]Joel: Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it? Servo [as Xochi]: [singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"] I've reached the end of my life And I'm waiting for the knife to fall. Servo: [as Popaca reveals himself as the titular Aztec Mummy] I am not an animal; I am a Aztec Mummy![as Popoca wanders through the cemetary]Crow: Hey, look; Peter Graves! Servo: Who's buried in Peter's grave? Joel: James Arness![from a distance in a cemetery, Dr. Krupp and his scarred henchman Bruno observe the Aztec Mummy of Popoca]Bruno: [of Popoca] You stinkin' devil! How I'd like to chop your rotten flesh to pieces! Joel: Bruno, stop letting hate run your life.[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]Dr. Krupp: Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test! Joel: The Cosmo sex quiz? Dr. Krupp: [continues to boast about his "human robot"] With its shining pension, no human being on this earth can oppose me! Servo: Wait, a human robot? There's a flaw right there. Crow: [while Popoca tears apart Krupp's robot with relative ease] I looked up "anticlimax" in the dictionary; it said "See 'Aztec Mummy'." The Mad Monster Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short) [After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]Joel: These are the extras...they'll probably get killed.[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]Servo: Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him. Joel: [as Cody is fighting off a henchman] Just give him a headbutt. Give him a headbutt! He's just wearing spandex on his head! Servo: [as Cody beats up Retik] That's for Bryant Gumbel; that's for Gene Shalit; and that's for dressing up like Carmen Miranda! God, that was dumb! Crow: Those are all Bob Mackie creations, aren't they? Cody: [as he and one of his fellow scientists are fleeing an approaching Moon Men tank, pointing towards a narrow cliff opening] Maybe we can dodge around those rocks and lose 'em. Servo: Maybe you can use the ray gun. Y'know the big one that blows up things? Like Moon Cars, perhaps? The Mad Monster (movie) Servo: Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?[Cameron is ranting out loud to himself after Petro's transformation]Cameron: Just a few moments ago, Petro was a man; a harmless good-natured man. Look at him now! Servo: [as Cameron] Now Bingo is his name-oh! Crow: [of wolf-man Petro] Now he's his own best friend![as Cameron hallucinates his old academic colleagues berating his werewolf experiments]Professor: There are institutions for madmen- Servo: [as Professor] Like the Pentagon! Professor: -And we'll see to it you're confined in one! Servo: [as the visions vanish] You would think since that was his imagination, he'd at least have them be afraid of him. Cameron: We shall see, gentlemen; we shall see... Joel: Next comes the Ghost of Christmas Present. Prof. Blaine: Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege! Joel: Tell that to the NFL![Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]Servo: Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part! Joel: [of the farmer's superstituous mother/mother-in-law] She's stoned; Whistler's Mother is stoned. Servo: At least Popeye got that operation he always wanted. Servo: [singing to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme as a farmer encounters Petro in the swamp]Come and listen to the story of a man named JedA poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fedThen one day, he was shooting at some food...Joel: [joining in] ...And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude.Servo: Wolfman, that is; black teeth, gnarled face.[the farmer attempts to shoot at Petro twice, but it doesn't even phase the wolfman as he lumbers forward]Servo: The next thing you know, old Jed was really scared.The kin folk said "Jed, get away from there!"Said "My cabin is the place I ought to be,"So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family...Joel: Good one, Crow. Servo: [I'm] Servo. Crow: Ah, over here. Joel: Right, sorry; good one, Servo. [turns towards Crow] You too, Crow. Servo: [unenthused] Gee, thanks, Ed! Crow: I didn't do anything.[Petro as a wolfman flees back into the swamp after killing the farmer's young daughter]Crow: I've seen better dog acts on the old Sullivan show. Dr. Cameron: [to Prof. Fitzgerald] I could give you an injection that would grant you the strength of ten men. Crow: [as Cameron] ...And their hair. Dr. Cameron: Or- following the line of evolution- how about a pair of donkey's ears? Ha! Something more fitting your level of intelligence! Joel: [sarcastically] Oh, nice quip; really tagged 'em there. Prof. Fitzgerald: [towards Dr. Cameron] I do not care to be ridiculed by a charlatan! Servo: [as Fitzgerald] Or you! Lenore: [confides to her father Cameron about her concerns over their house] There's something here that's evil. It's real and I can feel it; and I'm afraid! Servo: [as Lenore] It makes me want to sing! Officer: [towards reporter Tom, as they observe the recently murdered Professor Blaine] This should make a gory enough story for your paper. Tom: It's more than just a story to me; [Cameron] was my friend. Joel: [as Tom] It would make a great story. Maybe even a movie- with a sequel![Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.[Lenore and Tom are discussing what could've happened to a wounded Prof. Fitzgerald]Lenore: Fitzgerald was driving Petro into town with him. Surely you don't think- Tom: I don't know what to think! Servo: [as Tom] And stop calling me Shirley! Petro: [snapped out of a trance towards Lenore by Dr. Cameron] I don't know what's come over me; I must have a touch of Swamp Fever. Dr. Cameron: That's very likely. Now off to bed; I'll get something for it. Servo: I had a Marsh Rash once. Crow and Servo: [with their heads swapped, whilst speaking in unison] Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Servo: You like long walks in the rain? Crow: Chinese food? Servo: Mushing up your ice cream? Crow and Servo: [in unison] Oh, yes! We love us! Our collective brains are more powerful than Joel's! There is nothing that can stand in our way. We have seen the future and it is us; massage us into your scalp! We are all one; all powerful... YES! We are Servo Crow-ation, and we shall rule the wor- [Joel shuts them both off]Joel: [in bemusement] My robots; I think I'll keep 'em- turned off. Prof. Fitzgerald: [viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped. Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.[Petro decides to turn against Cameron in the climax]Cameron: [in terror] Petro; stay back! Servo: [as Petro steps forward to strangle Cameron] I'll show you how the choke chain feels! Joel: And it don't feel good. Women of the Prehistoric Planet [Joel presents a last-minute Invention Exchange item; a roll of toilet paper inside a two liter soda bottle]Dr. Ernhardt: Well, I guess that could come in handy; as a molotov cocktail or something... Joel: [disgusted] You two are unbelievable! You could make Tiddly-winks sound evil! Dr. Forrester and Dr. Ernhardt: [cheerfully] Thank you![Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba! Hup! Servo: You know, I could watch that all day.[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]Joel, Servo, and Crow: SHUT UP!!![On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]Joel: Is he primordial soup yet?[Tang serenades Linda with music played on a pan-flute]Crow: Now he's going to play the world's most loved melodies, a la Zamfir. ... Servo: [as Tang] Get me; I'm the master of the pan-flute![Joel is attempting to disarm an Isaac Asimov doomsday device]Crow: You're playing dice with the universe here, Joel. I hope you realize that.[the Asimov doomsday device goes off, but all it does is give the S.o.L. crew labcoats and sideburns]Joel: This cockamamie satellite turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs! . . . Crow: D'you think it's a conspiracy? Servo: [speaking like Asimov] No; I tackled the 'conspiracy' topic in my volume set on Assassinations and Coups.[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow. Servo: [as one of the scouts ends up mauled by a giant fake-looking spider] My God, how horrible! To be killed by a plush toy! Linda: [in disgust as the crew refuses to search further for her love, Tang] I hate you; I hate all of you! Joel: Jeez, don't say hi then![footage of the planet's volcano erupting plays]Servo: More stock footage; hit the deck! Crow: Look out, the styrofoam is on fire! Admiral David King: Mr. Scott, make an entry in the ship's log. [Servo begins grumbling] ... to the third planet of the Solaris system. As this planet was heretofore unknown... [Joel begins grumbling] ... from this day forward, the third planet of the Solaris system will be known as the blue planet. We designate it planet... Earth. Joel: Earth?!Crow: Oh, come on, who made you God? Servo: [in disbelief] Oh, man evolved from Tang, right. We better get outta here, we'd better go. Joel: That means my great great grandmother was really, really hot! Crow: Was she? You got a picture? The Corpse Vanishes Dr. Ernhardt: [calling into the Satellite of Love to address Joel for the Invention Exchange] Come in, Joel; you tree-rotating skanky boy! Dr. Forrester: [impressed] Not bad; not bad.[Crow and Servo are mulling over the latest issue of Tiger Bot magazine]Crow: Who's the Dream Date this week? Servo: Let's see... it says- Twiki. Crow: Twiki?! What a coaster; he hasn't worked since Buck Rogers! Servo: I know; what a putz! [mockingly] Bidi-bidi-bidi; wanna dance, Buck? Crow: That guy couldn't interface without a lode-pan adapter. Such a shrimpy little bot anyway; with those ineffectual arms, and that stupid bubble head, and... Servo: [offended] Real funny, Crow. Crow: [in realization] Whoops! Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short) Crow: [while a shot of Cody's ship returning to Earth plays] Why does the Earth have a shadow? Servo: Why are there clouds in space? Crow: Why are we watching this? Servo: Daddy, what's Vietnam? Retik: [demanding for his henchmen waiting on Earth to be prepared for the arrival of Cody and his team of scientists] Will you have a ray gun completed by the time he lands?! Krog: I'm afraid that's impossible, your Excellency. Crow: [as Krog] All the hardware stores are closed! Joel: [as the Moon Men henchmen and police officers engage in a shootout] Why is it darker on the Earth than on the Moon? The Corpse Vanishes (movie) [After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]Joel: Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back![Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]Crow [as Lorenz]: Thank you, I love cake![At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]Servo [as Landshark]: Landshark. . . .[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]Joel [as Landshark]: Candygram. . . .[The two women hear another knock at the door.]Servo [as Landshark]: Pizza delivery.[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.[as one character is shown wandering around in a fancy outfit]Crow: Joel, why don't you wear nice things like that? Joel: Well, I got shot into space; there wasn't any time to pack. Crow: Oh.[Dr. Foster and Patricia Hunter introduce themselves to each other on the ride over to Lorenz's castle]Dr. Foster: My name is Dr. Foster. Patricia: I'm Patricia Hunter. Joel: I'm Joel. Servo: I'm Servo. Crow: I'm Crow! ... Patricia: I'm a news reporter. Servo: I'm a robot. Joel: I'm a human being.[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: Now you might feel a little sting...[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: OK, a big sting.[Mrs. Lorenz angrily slaps Patricia in the face for her arriving for an interview]Patricia: [to Dr. Foster] So that's what you call [them being] eccentric. I have another name for it. Crow: [as Patricia] I call it bitchy. Dr. Foster: [as he assists in defending Patricia's testimony to her boss about Dr. Lorenz] The glands in our body help determine the condition of our teeth, the texture of our hair... Crow: [as Dr. Foster] The cut of our jib. Joel: Learning is fun! Crow: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.[during the RAM chip segment]Crow: Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants! Joel: [chuckles] OK...and a bad thing? Crow: They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life! Joel: [impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip! The Crawling Hand [Stranded and virus-infected astronaut Lockhart begs for NASA scientists to push his capsule's remote self-destruct button]Joel: [as Lockhart/David Bowie] This is Major Tom to Ground Control... ... Crow: Push that (button), and he's an astro-not.[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]Owner: No dancing, not allowed. Joel: This is just like Footloose.[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]Crow [as Owner]: No acting, not allowed. . . .[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]Owner: No rats. Joel [as Owner]: Unless they're on the menu. ...[even later, as Paul attempts to throttle the diner owner while under the hand's influence]Joel: [as Owner] No strangling, not allowed.[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity? Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity.[Crow and Servo tell Joel off in that he always wins every game he makes the Bots play- due to their non-functioning arms- and leave him alone]Joel: [addressing Cambot] Cambot, I want you to remind me of something: next time I make a robot, no more free will. That's it; and now we've got commercial sign.[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]Marta: Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"? Paul: "Stacked"? Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart. Crow: Hey, why's she wearing a swimsuit with a codpiece? Servo: Oh, just for the halibut. Heh, sorry. Crow: Stop it, you're giving me a haddock. Servo: Oh, you're a pain in the bass. Crow: You have no sole. Joel: [as Sheriff Townsend/Skipper to Paul] Where's the little body, little buddy? Sheriff Townsend: Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening? Crow [as Sheriff]: The sound of one hand clapping? Crow: Let's see... if I were an arm, where would I hide? My sleeve, of course! . . . Crow: [later, to Joel] What's buggin' that hand anyway? Joel: Oh, he's got a personal vendetta against anyone with a full body.[Paul is driving out of town when he gets attacked by the severed hand, perfectly parking the car to a stop without crashing while still fighting the hand off]Joel: See, you can tell it's a low-budget movie because they can't wreck the cars.[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a geiger counter.]Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace. Joel: Must be a talent meter. Robot Monster Dr Ernhardt: [of Robot Monster] To call this film wretched would be an insult to the word wretched. It stars no-one! Crow: [roleplaying as the Great Guidance to Servo] Why not have you yet killed the Hu-Man (Joel)? Servo: Because he gives me crunchy treats, and he empties my lode-pan. Crow: But he is Hu-Man, and unfit to live! Servo: But he has a cute butt, and he can drive a stick. Crow: Nevertheless, he- wait a minute, he can drive a stick? N-Nevertheless, he is Hu-Man; YOU are Ro-Man! ...[a moment later Joel meets up with the Bots]Joel: Hey Crow, Servo. What's up? Servo: Your number, I'm afraid! I must kill you, Mr. Bond; I must kill you now- [Joel hits Servo with a collapsible chair in self-defense] Whoa! Crow: Joel; what happened? Joel: (It was) Servo, his reason circuits must've blown out. He tried to kill me! Crow: No, we were just doing a little role-playing![after Joel and the Bots have been left delirious by the film and present a "pageant" about the many contradictions of Ro-Man as a character]Crow: We believe these truths to be evident- and obvious. Servo: Please give to the United Robot College Fund! Joel: Because an internal hard drive is a terrible thing to waste. Think about it, won't you? [addresses Dr. Forrester and Ernhardt] What do you think, sirs? Dr. Forrester: Could I've sent a crazier guy into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?! Dr. Ernhardt: Do you think [Joel]'s had enough up there? I think he snapped. Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short) [Servo sneezes violently]Joel: Bless you! Crow: Gesundheit. Joel: You're not supposed to do that... Servo: That stirred up my RAMS real bad.[Graber shoots at Cody with one hand while driving away from him with the other]Joel: Wow, he can drive and shoot at the same time? He must be ambidextrous! Crow: Boy, I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous. Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) Servo: [being dragged back to his seat by Joel] This is Buddhist! You invented us to suffer! Joel: [of Servo and Crow griping] I'm surrounded by idiots of my own design![the Moon Men henchmen are being pursued by Cody and the cops]Crow: You're watching the "All Car-Chase Network"! . . . Crow: [as the henchmen resume driving after ditching their getaway car for an ambulence] We now return you to the All Car-Chase Network; already in progress.[Graber, who is trying to escape, shoots at Commander Cody]Joel: Right, right. Shoot him. That's your solution to everything. Something gets in your way, you pull out your little gun and you gotta shoot them. Well mister listen, someday there's going to be a flying Rocketeer behind you who's going to shoot back. Robot Monster (movie) Crow: [of Ro-Man as he first appears] This is what comes of teaching apes sign-language.[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]Ro-Man: Humans! Listen to me! Servo: [in a dopey tone of voice] Okay! Ro-Man: Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left. Joel: [as Ro-Man] We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you. Ro-Man: Now I know you are watching! I can see five of you who have not been destroyed. Show yourselves and I promise a painless death! Crow: [as the Professor] Ah, we're looking at a few other options first.[Alice and the Professor's assistant Roy are snarkily bickering with each other]Alice: If only I could have a decent assistant who can follow orders instead of trying to be the boss. Roy: I'm bossy? You ought to be milked before you come home every night! Servo: Dibs! Crow: I'll get a stool and a pail. Servo: That's udderly ridiculous. Crow: Oh, cow could you say that? Servo: Are you gonna milk this for all it's worth? Servo: [a shot of a rocket traveling to the space platform plays] It's a V-2 rocket! Crow: Could've had a V-8! [Joel slaps Crow upside the head] Joke, Joel. [It was] a joke! Servo: I thought it was hilarious! [Joel slaps Servo on the dome] [After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors] Ro-Man: And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative. Crow: He's so negative![Alice and Roy cavort in an open field]Joel: Even at the end of the world, love springs eternal.[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]Joel: Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does. Servo: Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts.[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]Joel: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case.[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man! Servo [as Ro-Man]: Me-man? Ro-Man: Yes. [distressed] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you. Joel [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law! Crow: [while Johnny is walking past ruins of civilization on the way home] It's the Berlin Wall! Joel: Uh, this is the apocalypse; I think that's the Great Wall of Cleveland. Joel: [as the Ro-Man fumbles about in view of the Ro-Man communication device] Peeking through the knothole, of Grandma's wooden leg... Crow: [as the Great Guidance, in annoyance] I hired an idiot![as the closing shot of Ro-Man walking towards the camera loops]Crow: Is this the end of the film, Joel? Joel: Uh, I don't think it is. Servo: You ever had deja vu, Joel? Joel: Huh? What?[after the third time they repeat themselves]Joel: We've gotta get out of here. Servo: This is pathetic! [pause] You ever had deja vu, Joel? Crow: Stop it! The Slime People Crow: [in an upbeat mood while Joel and Servo are groggy from waking up] Here's a little morning poem- Birdie with the yellow bill hopped upon my windowsill; cocked his shining eye and said "What's for breakfast, Grandma?".Dr. Ernhardt: [during the Invention Exchange, holding a mound of cotton candy] We came up with cotton candy that screams when you bite it! [to Dr. Forrester] May I? Dr. Forrester: Enjoy! Cotton Candy: [as Ernhardt bites down] Ow! That's my head! Owwww! Dr. Forrester: Well, what do you think of that? Joel: [disgusted] You're toying with God's blueprint; that's what I think! Joel: [of the fact "The Slime People" ended up getting made at all] The real beauty of this movie is that it actually got made. The guy who made it isn't a fool; he just convinced some people that is was worth making. You know, whether it was a good idea, or it could make money, or it satisfied some bizarre urge in the viewing public. Servo: Oh, I see; so it's the gullibility of humans that allows things like this to exist! Joel: I guess you're right. Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short) [Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it? Crow: Hip? Not. Ick! Crow: [as a café owner waking up Cody after he was knocked out in an altercation with Retik's Earth henchmen] Wake up, Cody; you owe me $400! Cody: [in a phone call back to fellow scientist Joan as he prepares to ambush Retik's Earth henchmen] Call the police and tell them to block the highway on the other side of the mountain. Crow: [as Joan, making a phone call] Hello, police? Block the mountain on the other side of the highway![Joel and the bots hold Commando Cody on trial for his various on-screen misdemeanors]Crow: Today I will prove that Commando Cody is guilty of the following felony changes- failure to follow a proper flight plan, reckless endangerment of the public, defying the laws of physics... and gravity, and acting as an officer of the law... and simply bad acting. Servo: [acting as Cody's lawyer] We plead hardship, your Honor! My client- Commando Cody- has more than paid his debt to society by being trapped in a pathetic serial! The Slime People (movie) [After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero". Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb. Cal Johnson: [after chatting with fellow survivor Bonnie during the night and sharing a kiss] Gee whiz, you know as long as you're sitting here, I don't even want to think about Slime People. Crow: [continuing as Cal] Though it's hard, looking at a mug like yours.[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]Gregory: [towards Tolliver] Noone's home! Genius waits for no one! Crow: But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings. . . .[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]Tolliver: I… I've never seen anything like it! Servo: Even in Tijuana! . . .[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]Joel: Lookit — they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival![As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]Gregory: Look at this. Blonde hair. Servo: Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat. Crow: At night. Joel: In a fog.[the Slime People begin disintegrating once their force field has been destroyed]Joel, Crow and Servo: [as the Slime People] A horse, a horse; my kingdom for a- AAAGH! Project Moonbase Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short) Joel: [while Cody and Ted fly in an airplane to bomb the truck of Retik's Earth henchmen] Oh, great. Double 00-Cody. You have a license to kill now, Mr. Cody? Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short) [the episode begins with the opening credits again, as Joel and the bots wearily sing along to the music]Servo: [singing] You're watching Commando Cody; a not-so-new character from Republic. He gets in trouble every week, but he's saved by editing... . . . Joel: [singing] His laboratory is a boxing ring when bad guys come to mix it up; someone always gets kidnapped, so Cody has to go to fix it up... . . . Crow: [singing] Bad guys beware- Cody is there; you'll like his hair, it's under his helmet, 'cuz we couldn't think of a good rhyme; and that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song! So sit right back, and with a will of granite, watch Chapter 8- The Enemy Planet. [nervously laughs]Servo: [as Cody's assistant, Ted, is shown losing oxygen] By this time, my lungs were aching for air! Crow: [role-playing as Krog on the bridge] Earth men, I want you to take an atomic bomb the size of a pineapple, strap it to a Piper Cub, and crash into Mt. Vesuvius! ... Servo: [roleplaying as Commando Cody] Does he have any idea who he's dealing with? I could- Crow: Ahhh, you're Servo; and Joel's holding you up. Servo: Pay no attention to the man holding me up. Project Moonbase (movie) [The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]Crow: Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn. Joel: [reading a building abbreviated as SPACOM] Spacom: wood-filled and meat substitute. Crow: We built this city on Spacom! Servo: Instead of rock and roll? Crow: Yep.[of the brattily catty Colonel Briteis butting heads with amateur Commander Moore]Servo: Someone get that lady a saucer of milk. Joel: [Commander Moore and the imposter Dr. Wernher fight] Hands Down; the slap-happiest game of all! Joel: [commenting on the surreal perspective of the movie's visual effects] Art design by M.C. Escher! Robot Holocaust Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short) Crow: [Cody's spaceship prepares to take off] Ron Howard pops the clutch, and tells the Moon to eat my dust! Robot Holocaust (movie) Servo: [reading the actor credits] Andrew Howarth? Crow: Fine; howarth you? Servo: Classic![Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]Valeria: You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand? Torque: Yes! Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man? Servo: Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand. Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? Joel [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd? Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now. Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]Narrator: A dagger is placed into the ground— Servo: A voice-over is placed into the script.[The Dark One, disgusted with Valeria's lack of progress orders her to leave, as she pleads with him]Valeria: Dawk One, please... The Dark One: Torque, take her away from my sight! Valeria: No, Dawk One, please! I will pwove myself to you! Joel: Taking someone out of an omnipresent being's sight is kind of hard, isn't it?[A severed head rolls past]Servo: Oh, it's a spare! Crow: Gutter head. Crow: [as Neo's robot sidekick, beating up one of the Dark One's henchmen with a metal pipe] That one's for Artoo-Detoo, that one's for C-3PO; that was for Julie Newmar, and that one's just cuz I wanna! Crow: [as Deeja; after seeing the mutated state of Jorn at the hands of the Dark One] Dad, you're a tulip bulb! . . . Crow: [as Jorn to Deeja] Honey, remember my torso? Well, it's chip dip now! Moon Zero Two [Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]Servo: [excited] Hey it's in color! Joel: Yeah. Servo: Really bad music already, this is great. . . . Servo: Is this a Pink Panther movie? Joel: No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like. Servo: Why would they use cartoons? Joel: Uh, so astronauts could understand them. Servo: [dubiously] Ah. ... Servo: [as one of the cartoon astronauts beats up the other in sync to the music] Whoa, they're beating the titles out of him![Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]Clementine: He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport. Capt. Kemp: He's probably waiting at Moon City. Clementine: Mmm, that's what the man said. Servo [as Capt. Kemp]: Don't you listen to what the man says.[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]Korminski: Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?! Joel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]: Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty! . . .[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]Hubbard: That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he? Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]: [annoyed] He's from Barcelona.[a scuffle starts to break out in a nightclub as Kemp turns off the facility's gravity as a diversion for him and Clementine to escape]Capt. Kemp: If we're gonna play, we play by my rules! Crow: Yeah; but nobody knows what your rules are![As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]Servo: Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!![Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]Crow: Kaboom! would become Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion! Untamed Youth [a young man is seen running from authorities during the opening credits]Crow: [as a police officer] After him! He's hiding behind those credits![Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]Crow [as Penny]: Hey, who's the guy in the cage? Servo [as Farmhand]: Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.[Joel and the bots do an experiment to see what exactly is in Gypsy's mind]Joel: What is it? Servo: It's an 8x10 (photo) of Richard Basehart and some RAM chips! Joel: [disappointed] Oh brother; another great mystery of the universe explained.[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a sock hop in their quarters.]Joel: That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is. Jane: Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song. Crow: Maybe it's Aida. Bob Steele: [telling his mother, the Judge, about the passing of a farmhand named "Baby"] That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name. Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name. Bob Steele: [exposing Russ] And that healthy food, that I'm paying for, you know what I found out about that food? Tropp's feeding canned dog food, and he calls it beef stew. Cecilia Steele Tropp: [in disbelief] Oh, no. Crow [as Cecilia]: Not canned, it should be dry! That's part of the agreement. Bob Steele: ... what do you mean he wouldn't? He's doing it! Mother, I saw the empty cans. I guess you didn't know this was going on, did you? Cecilia Steele Tropp: No! Maybe Mr. Tropp doesn't! Bob Steele: He knows every move that's made. Cecelia Steele Tropp: Well Bob, it's... it's uh- it's just that Russ is very ambitious. Servo [as Bob]: When did you start calling him Russ? Bob Steele: Sure! Got a bunch of people assigned to him, on your orders, their help is he gets them for six bits a day, and feeds them slop! Joel [as Cecilia]: It's not slop, it's Science Diet and it's very expensive, young man![Penny (blonde bombshell Mamie Van Doren) performs a calypso song and dance, backed by male dancers.]Penny: Come on, boys, and carry my bananas! Joel: What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"? Servo: I don't wanna know. The Black Scorpion [Dr. Ernhardt calls Joel, with a visibly mutated head]Joel: What happened to you? Dr. Ernhardt: We, uh, had a little mishap in the lab this week; we were trying to make a cold fusion Walkman and I don't know what happened; but... well, you can see what happened. ...[after Joel presents their Invention Exchange]Dr. Ernhardt: Are you alright, Clay? Dr. Forrester: [reduced to a talking skeleton in his lab coat] Yes, Larry; remember- it's all in the name of science. ...[much later after Joel reads audience letters]Dr. Ernhardt: I think the swelling is going down. Dr. Forrester: Yes; and I think you should file this. [hands Ernhardt paperwork as he walks off, and Forrester addresses Joel once more] Until next time, Mr. Skin on Weiner.[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]Narrator: … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes. Joel: Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying! . . . Narrator: … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days… Servo [as Narrator]: And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage![Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]Hank: Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there. Artur: Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer. Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]Servo [as Artur]: I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.[Hank and Artur investigate around an abandoned house and find the corpse of a police officer hanging in the tree branches]Crow: [as Bob Barker] What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop! Servo: [as Game Show Announcer] Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia! Joel: [adding a "prize disclaimer"] From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609.[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]Hank: … I found something a lot more interesting! Joel: Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed! Crow: Only mounted. Joel jokingly confuses famous cowboy Roy Rogers' famous horse Trigger, who was stuffed after he died, with his wife and film partner Dale Evans. Servo: [as the scorpion attacks outside of town and causes chaos] It's Crazy Days! We're slashing and dashing prices! Yes, all giant scorpions get in free; free hot dogs and balloons for the kids. Yes, come on down and visit me in coke jail; I'm in coke prison! Get me out; get me out! Come on down to Crazy Days, this Sunday![With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]Dr. Velazco: But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First— Servo [as Velazco]: We're small. We can run fast. Dr. Velazco: Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic. Crow [as Velazco]: And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point.[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]Crow [as Tour Guide]: Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train… Servo [as Scorpion]: Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.[The passengers flee the train.]Joel [as Company Rep]: Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens. Season 2 Rocketship X-M Lisa: How do we stand on fuel now? Crow: I'm for it. TV's Frank: Welcome to Deep 13. Would you like to try our smooth, creamy Thruster Buster? Joel: Where's Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester? TV's Frank: I'm Frank. I'm new here. As for Dr. Forrester, he stepped out for a moment. As for Dr. Erhardt... he's missing.[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]Servo [as Astronaut]: Well...that could have gone better. Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard! Crow [as Other Astronaut]: Nonsense! Servo [as King Arthur]: Run away! Run away! Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore![Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]Servo [as Shaggy]: Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby! Crow [as Mr. Wizard]: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome! Servo [as Mr. Wizard]: Time for zis vun to come home![As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]Crow: Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets.[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]Crow: Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule. Joel: Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned? Dr. Forrester: We couldn't get it! The Sidehackers [Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]Joel: This grass... It's... drugged![Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack] Crow: It was about that time the Duke boys decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about. Paisley: Why can't I reach you? Crow: There's a ladder in the way. J.C.: [after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious] I treated you like a brother! Crow: Not a good brother... Big Jake: He hit Big Jake![camera pans across Rommel and his crew, spending a lot of time on a patch of rocks]Crow: We're rocks and we're smarter than the rest of the cast. Crow: For those of you keeping score at home, Rita is dead. This is in the edited version of the episode as it doesn't show the disturbing scene of Rita being raped and murdered due to the scene traumatizing the MST3K cast members during recording. Jungle Goddess The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short) [Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: I forget who did what here. I say, "Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out." Jungle Goddess (movie) [Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-Superman George Reeves) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy. Joel [as Mike]: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet. Greta: Did you study your spelling last night? Joel [as Wunama]: Uh, dog ate it. Wunama: Uh, yes, yes! Greta: Good. Let me hear you spell, uh... "beautiful." Joel: Let me hear you spell "patronize." Wunama: Beautiful... ah yes... Crow [as Wunama]: Will this be on the final? Joel [as Wunama]: S-L-... Wunama: B-E... Joel [as Wunama]: A-V... Wunama: [struggling] A... U... Joel [as Wunama]: E-R-Y. Wunama: T... I-F-U-L.[the two girls giggle]Greta: That's wonderful! Servo [as Greta]: Okay, now spell antidisestablishmentarianism.[Mike shows the kronotite sample to his partner Bob, who's under a potential death sentence for killing a native earlier.]Bob: No doubt about it. It's kronotite. Mike: Are you sure? Bob: I'd stake my life on it. Crow: That's already in the kitty, Bob.[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]Bob: [sarcastic] White goddess having trouble? Crow: White fascist getting smart? Catalina Caper Bob Draper: Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper. Don Pringle: Don Pringle. Crow [as Don]: Heir to the potato chip fortune.[On the Catalina ferry Little Richard performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]Crow: Little Richard? I hate impressionists! . . . Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this! Joel: I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs! Crow: Little Richard: the one true talent in this film! Katrina: His name is Angelo. Servo: He's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]Servo: I feel a number coming on… Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick! Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something. Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina! Rocket Attack U.S.A. The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short) Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie) [On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]Joel: All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? [Servo buzzes in] Tom Servo of Oak Ridge! Servo: Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover? Joel: Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please? Servo: [screaming] DUCK AND COVER! Joel: Is right for five points.[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]Manston: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others. Joel [as Manston]: That's why we've got to crush them![Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen. Joel: You mean an actor becoming President?[General Watkins answers his phone.]General: Hello? Joel [as voice on other end]: Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear? General: Yes! Crow: [After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park] Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence![Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]Manston: Did Lars give you the TNT? Crow [as Tanya]: He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A.[New York has just been nuked.]Crow: It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce.[The very first MST3K "stinger"]Blind Guy: Help me. Ring of Terror Ring of Terror (movie) [College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]Joel [as Moffitt]: Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40.[He puts on a sweater.]Servo [as Moffitt]: Let's see… [groans] …ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today. Crow [as Moffitt/Old Man]: I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey…[The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk]Crow: I'm a lamp. Professor Rayburn: However strong we may feel... Joel [as Rayburn]: Our bones are very brittle. Professor Rayburn: ... some of us cannot overcome certain inner emotions. Joel [as Rayburn]: Like love. Professor Rayburn: When we view an autopsy of this kind, let me say to you to feel free to leave the class. Servo [as Rayburn]: To do the technicolor yarn. Joel [as Rayburn]: To blow chow. Crow [as Rayburn]: To chuck the chow on the white porcelain throne. Servo [as Rayburn]: To summon the earl.[during an autopsy]Joel [as Rayburn]: Now earlier today, I baked a corpse at 425 degrees. Professor Rayburn: Then we follow with an abdominal incision... Servo [as Rayburn]: And a light lemon-chiffon sauce with shallots. Professor Rayburn: We have now exposed the gastrovascular cavity... Crow [as Rayburn]: Which should be stuffed with a sage dressing. Professor Rayburn: We have cut through the epidermis, and you see this yellow mass. That's the fatty tissue... Servo [as Rayburn]: Which should be whipped into stiff peaks. ... Professor Rayburn: Well, it's not very pleasant to look at, I must admit... Crow [as Rayburn]: But with rice, and the correct seasoning, you've got a wonderful meal. ... Professor Rayburn: Mr. John Doe has rendered posthumously a great service to medical science. Servo: What are showman, ladies and gentlemen! He gave his all! Professor Rayburn: Now he will be transferred to the general mausoleum of the Raven Hills Cemetery... Crow [as Rayburn]: Where we'll meet for bars and punch. Professor Rayburn: Where he will be stored for about a week in the receiving vault. Servo: These are the battered faces of men in their 40s. Professor Rayburn: He will probably be buried there in Potter's Field. Joel [as Rayburn]: You've been a wonderful audience! Enjoy the buffet! The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short) [Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: It's called a Rubiks Cube. Don't screw it up! Wild Rebels [Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm. Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting. Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac. Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album?[Jeeter (the biker leader) watches as fellow biker Banjo jealously observes someone flirting with Linda]Jeeter: Can you boys believe it; Banjo's in love. Crow: [as Jeeter] Okay, would you believe- mildly infatuated? H-how about a school-girl crush? . . .[later the gang approaches the bar-goer who flirted with Linda]Banjo: Our girl is like a virgin goddess; no creeps- no creeps are allowed to touch her. Crow: [as Banjo] Only union members and their families![The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]Servo: Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood. Joel [as Adman]: You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time![the bikers' hideout is shown for the first time, notably with a swastika-emblazoned flag hanging off the wall]Servo: Just look at all those books up there [on the shelf]- Leaves of Grass... Joel: Trump: The Art of the Deal... Servo: Mein Kampf... Crow: The Essays of Pat Buchanan...[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]Servo [as Banjo]: Not this way, man, my mom will see me![A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]Crow: Hey, look! Erik Estrada! Lost Continent [A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]Crow: Oh, look! A V-2! Tom: Aw, I could've had a V8![As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]Nolan: Aren't you coming with us? Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo! Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong. Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god! Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]Crow: Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film! Crow: Come on, God, why, why, why?! [groans]Servo: This is-this is a madhouse, a madhouse! [groans] Joel: Ugh, I never knew mountain time was so slow. Servo: Please. Lt. Danny Wilson: Stay with me, baby. Crow: Come on, "stay with me, baby", is that all you can say?! [sobbing]Servo: Kill them all, kill them, please, kill them! [sobbing]Joel: Come on, hey you guys, calm down. Hey, it's only a movie, we can handle it. Okay? [pause] WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE WE? CAN WE GET A FRAME OF REFERENCE OR SOMETHING?!?!? PLEASE!!! The Hellcats Biker: [to Ross Hagen] Where ya from? Servo: Sidehackers. Artist: [Stumbling around drunk and high] Roses are green. Violets are red...' Joel [as Artist]: I like to shoot heroin straight into my head. King Dinosaur Dr. Forrester: [after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake] I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist! Crow: [while the SOL crew laugh] Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn). Joel: This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. [pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench] Works every time![Joel flails around a lemur puppet on a table while Crow and Servo sing]Servo: It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine. Joel: Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun! Crow: Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more. Joel: That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. [as Joey] You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me! Servo: Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine. Joel: [as Joey, hitting Servo] Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story. Servo: [singing] Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks! Joel: [as Joey] Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way. ... Servo: L is for "Lemur"... Joel: [as Joey] L is for Lemur- 'nuff said! Crow: E is for "eat". Joel: [as Joey] E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure! Crow: M is for "monkey"! Joel: [as Joey] M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show! Servo: U is for "unusual"... Crow: ...and "unpredictable"! Joel: [as Joey] Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on Johnny Carson's sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go! Servo: [uneasy] Uh, R is for "radical"... Crow: ...and "rambunctious"! [immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey]Joel: [as Joey] Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo! Servo: Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur! Crow: Friend to all mankind! X Marks the Spot (short) [title card features a large X, with Marks the Spot fading in atop it.]Crow: Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife? Joel: No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]Commissioner Magee: The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan. Crow [as Magee]: If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there. Commissioner Magee: We kill… Servo: Sounds like Commissioner Fudd. Commissioner Magee: …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking. Joel: Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on! . . . Servo [as Magee/Elmer Fudd]: You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.[The scene fades to an intersection]Narrator: Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived. Crow [as Narrator]: Called "Blood Alley." Narrator: No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down... Joel [as Narrator]: It made you feel happy.[Scene pans to a car approaching]Narrator: Here comes someone from one direction and...[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]Narrator: ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other. Joel [as Narrator]: Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! We think the joke will be on Joe![Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]Servo: Well, I guess he can't be a witness...[Joe's Guardian Angel appears before Joe's spirit]Crow: [as Joe's Angel] Are you George Bailey? Sorry; wrong film.[in Heaven's Traffic Court, the judge (presumably God) is filing over paperwork while Joe's Angel attempts to get his attention]Servo: [as Judge] Dear Diary... it's hard being God. Joe: Good morning, sir. Judge: There are no good mornings here. Servo [as Judge]: I'll decide if it's a good morning, or not. Judge: What was your name? Joe: What was my name? You mean, sir, I'm... finished? All washed up? Servo [as Joe]: 86'd? Hasta luego, buckwheat? Judge: Well that depends on the evidence. Uh, your name? Joel [as Joe]: Deep six out of here? Joe: Joseph Doakes, sir. Judge: Joseph Doakes... [begins shifting through papers] ...Doakes. Servo [as Judge]: Funny name. Joel [as Judge]: Huh... Joseph Doakes... let's see, there's Dickweed, Dog, Dumbsh- Ah, here it is... Angel: [while defending Joe in Heaven's Traffic Court] I wouldn't say Joe was out looking for trouble... Crow: [as the Angel] But I did find him down by the waterfront in a Spartan costume yelling "Kitty! Kitty!".[after the Angel finishes an account in which Joe has a close call and nearly hits a child at a school]Angel: After that, I never had any trouble with Joe around schools. He'd crawl by at a snail's pace. Servo [as Angel]: Nursing homes though? Whoa!Angel: You see, your honor, Joe had two kids of his own at that school. Crow [as Angel]: And if his wife ever found out... Judge: Yes. We're all that way when it gets close to home. A pity they don't always drive as though their own families were in danger. Joel [as Judge]: You make me sick![Joe's Guardian Angel prepares to divulge more about Joe as a driver before he's interrupted by the sound of a car crash]Joel: [as Judge] Hang on, you'll want to see this. Servo: [as a wall tally of injuries and fatalities ticks forward for driving accidents] And at halftime, injuries are ahead of fatalities here in New Jersey...[Joe sees this and looks forelorn as it starts to sink in how badly he acted as a motorist]Crow: [as Joe] I'm so ashamed. Joel: [the Judge looks over a list and marks off the name of the presumed accident victim] Looks like Nixon's enemy list. Crow: [as Judge] Hurts, doesn't it? Judge: By the way, did he ever drive when he'd been drinking? Joel [as Angel]: Oh boy, I need my other scroll for that. That's a doozy. Angel: [hesitant] Well, sir... he- Judge: Guardian! I want the whole. Truth. Servo [as Judge]: So help me, me!Angel: Well sir, Joe did take a nip occasionally. He wasn't really what you'd call a drinker, just a cocktail now and then... Crow [as Angel]: Just a half-gallon now and then. Angel: You know how the boys are, your honor. Judge: Yes, I know how the boys are... Joel [as Judge]: And I know where the boys are. Judge: I have a book full of those "just a cocktail or two" drinkers. Servo [as Judge]: Jerks wouldn't let me in their club. Judge: Drivers and pedestrians too. Dead ones. Servo [as Judge]: Big ones. Judge: "Just a cocktail or two..." Joel [as Judge]: Phooey! Judge: Any abnormal, physical, or mental condition due to drinking liquor... Crow [as Judge]: Is monotonous! Judge: ...is intoxication in this state! A careless driver or pedestrian is usually pretty careless... Servo: Wow, he's preachy... Judge: ...regarding the other fellow's rights and safety, but as to his own safety and wellbeing, he's downright selfish!Crow [as Judge]: Pah! Judge: Now dilute that dangerous frame of mind, with "just a cocktail or two..." Servo: Oh, okay! Thanks! I'll take a scotch. Judge: ...and he even forgets about his own safety. That is one of the reasons why... Joel: Is this gonna be on the final? Judge: [addressing Joe's past transgressions as a driver] Incidentally, was there any traffic law he didn't violate? Joe: Oh; I never hit-and-run. Joel: [as Judge] Well, that changes everything! Judge: If you did, then you'd be booked in- [Angel clears his throat]Servo: In phlegm? Judge: -in a lower court. Servo: Oh. Judge: You never hit and run? Why that's so despicable of an act, I wouldn't even accuse you of it. Crow: [as Judge, muttering] Never hit and run; why I oughta- Judge: I've heard enough of [Joe] as a driver... Joel: [as Judge] Now how is he as a cocktail waitress? Judge: ...how is he as a pedestrian? Angel: Oh, well that's different: as a driver, he thought he owned the road. As a pedestrian, he knew he owned it. He weaved through traffic like a mouse in a maze. Servo: [as Angel] Squeaking, and calling himself Algernon! Crow: [musing to himself over the Judge's closing statement in the short- "Are you qualified to pass judgement on Joe?"] Qualified? Hm, what a question. Me- Crow T. Robot- am I qualified? That's a heavy burden. I'm just a simple bot, alone as it were in the vast universe... thing. Could I make a difference? Can I make a difference? . . . Crow: Hey, Cambot; bring the screen in a little, and play that moody music. [jaunty contemplative music plays] What would Joel do in a situation like this? Ah, no- no, I've got to learn to think for myself; to stand on my own two foot-like appendages. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by God, I can do it! Why I... I could start a letter writing campaign, or I could organize a bake sale. Hey... [adressing the viewers] We can all help! C'mon friends, run to your window and shout "I'm really cheesed, and I'm not just gonna wait around 'til things get better"! Go do guerilla theater in the food court of your mall; or dress a little differently, make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Here's an idea, toss some Cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and cover the sordid biographical details of your warped adolescense and then watch the grant money come in; but don't snap-judge me. . . . Crow: [continuing] Parade up and down the streets in your underwear! Impose your ideals on others- it's easy; crush someone with an emotional word or enigmatic look. You decide, you do it... I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision; I'm no good at this sort of thing! It's up to you. I'm passing the buck to you. And now we've got Commercial Sign. [as he calms himself down and the music fades out] Oh, the pain, the pain... [sighs] King Dinosaur (movie) [the movie begins with a credit for producer Robert Lippert, who the SOL crew are more than familiar with at this point]Servo: Lippert? Oh, yikes! Joel: Mars is extending us a welcome! Servo: French-fried potatoes! Narrator: [introducing the scientists assigned to travel and observe planet Nova] If animal life is discovered on Nova, an expert on zoo-geography would be a most important member. [Dr. Gordon is shown observing a saber toothed tiger skull carefully] On August 10, Dr. Richard Gordon was chosen to fill that position. He became famous for his discovery of the giant prehistoric tar pits near Salt Lake City. Crow: [as Dr. Gordon] I'd say this patient is dead. I'm no expert, but dead is the word. Narrator: [cuts to showing mineralogist Nora Pierce mining sediment out of a wall formation] The study of rock formations and its minerals is a lot like reading the personal diary of a planet. Servo: Yes, it's not very polite. Narrator: Dr. Nora Pierce joined the space expedition of August 27; her doctorate in Mineralogy was awarded for her mineralogical research in the Himalayas. Joel: And she's cute too.[as bizarre sounding horn music plays during the opening scenes]Servo: Whoa; is Cookie the Clown on the premises again? . . . Joel: [smoke pours from the rocket] A new Pope is selected; it's Cookie.[the rocket ship is slowly landing on the planet Nova]Joel: [as John F. Kennedy ] I believe by the end of this decade, we will land a piece of stock footage on another planet. Ask not what a processed shot can do for you.[as Dr. Ralph Martin and Patricia Bennett record their test results and superimposed footage is shown over a tape recorder]Dr. Patricia Bennett: A preliminary biological study made of the air on Nova show the indications of microscopic life not unlike that found on Earth. However, approximately 40% of the bacteria... Crow: Was superimposed. Dr. Patricia Bennett: ...was completely unfamiliar. Dr. Ralph Martin: Tests for radiation gave a reading of approximately 10% above normal background count... Crow: Joel, I'm tripping! Joel: No, it's just a photo-processed... Dr. Ralph Martin: ...less than a tolerable percentage. Dr. Patricia Bennett: Temperature... Servo [as Patricia]: Expletive deleted. 18 minutes was deleted from this tape. I am not a crook. Dr. Patricia Bennett: Although our preliminary tests are in no way conclusive... Servo [as Patricia]: Or any good at all... Dr. Patricia Bennett: ...it does substantiate however that human and animal life as we know it on Earth can exist in the atmosphere and environment of Planet Nova. Joel: The end. Crow: Aw, they taped over the Beatles Berlin tapes. Dr. Nora Pierce: What time would you say it is? Joel [as Richard]: Uh, it's time to kill something. Dr. Richard Gordon: [looking at a flock of birds] I'd say it's about three o'clock Earth time here. Servo [as Richard]: Judging by those birds. Dr. Nora Pierce: ...we don't know how many hours there are on the daily cycle here. You know, this place could move around faster than our Earth. Dr. Richard Gordon: Well let's figure for three o'clock anyway. That's gives us about three or four hours before dark. Joel [as Richard]: Besides, I've decided I'm the new God of this planet. [one of the scientists sees a superimposed wasp descend upon their campsite]Crow: [as scientist/Martin Brody] I'm gonna get a bigger shoe. We're gonna get a bigger shoe, right?[as Nora and Richard come upon a barren part of the mysterious island]Dr. Nora Pierce: What a desolate, forsaken place. Crow: What a stilted, pretentious line.[while the scientists attempt to flee from a iguana dinosaur with their kinkajou lemur in tow]Servo: [to the "dinosaur"] Hey, come over here! You wanna meet Joey? Joel: [as Joey] No!! I told you this would happen! Please, I abhor you! Get out of here![Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" iguana T. rex.]Dr. Bennett: Oh Ralph, what is it?! Crow: [yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up! Servo: [as everyone scrambles to flee the island as an atomic bomb ticks away to detonation] Anybody got the time? It's a little matter of an atomic bomb. Joel: [in a sing-song voice] Your careers are finally almost over! You'll never be in another film! You may end up in the Psychotronic Film Guide![as the atomic explosion kills all the prehistoric beasts on the island]Crow: Uh, we did the right thing, didn't we? They'd never surrender. It was right for us to blow them up. Crow [as the kinkajou]: Thanks for annihilating everything I know! Servo: You know, they're only two miles from the blast, aren't they gonna get vaporized? Crow: Hope so. Well it's an atomic bomb-lite actually. One third as destructive as our other bomb. Servo: Ohhhh... Well, score one for Earth. Dr. Ralph Martin: Well, we've done it. Joel [as Ralph]: Not a word of this gets out to the people of Earth, alright? Dr. Richard Gordon: We sure have done it. We brought civilization to planet Nova. Crow: Ha! Was that irony? This late in the film. Dr. Richard Gordon: Let's go home. Joel: Yeah, let's go home and grow some three-headed kids. Crow: Hey, there's a certain glow about June. It's... never mind. Servo: And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery death in the sky, they went home. First Spaceship on Venus [Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]Brinkman: Sumiko! Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]: I will as soon my lawyer gets here. Sumiko: Brinkman! [An uneasy moment passes.] Have I changed that much? Joel [as Brinkman]: Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man![Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]Crow [as Brinkman]: Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, Blob-like slick chasing them.]Joel: Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him?[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]Crow: Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script? Godzilla vs. Megalon Joel, Crow, & Servo: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy![At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]Goro: Hey! The rocket! Servo: [Snorts] Rockets! Crow: On a picnic? . . . Rokuro: Help me! Hurry up! Joel: Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid! . . .[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it? Joel: Yeah. Servo: Yep! Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]Jinkawa: [to Goro] Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot! Joel [as Goro]: Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY![During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]Crow [as a Narrator]: Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday... . . .[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]Joel: They've just created Jennifer Beals.[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]Goro: Isn't that Jet Jaguar there? Servo: [Sarcastically] No, it's another superhero of your own design! Goro: They're controlling him. Rok-san: It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla! Crow: Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it![Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]Crow: Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission? Joel: Um, no. Servo: Not this kid. . . . Servo [as Jinkawa]: [Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat![As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]Servo: I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys... . . . Crow: He's got a foreign object! Servo: He is a foreign object![As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]: I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar! Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk? Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die! Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]Servo [as Megalon]: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot![Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]Servo [as Sportscaster]: Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit![After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye! Servo [as Goro]: Thanks for leveling our country![Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]Goro: [Into medallion] Jet Jaguar! Let's go home![Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]Crow [as Jet Jaguar]: Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house![a badly translated version of the Jet Jaguar theme]Singer: [subtitles] He jock it made of steel Eats sushi from a pail Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar! He mother never really love him He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity He dickey covers up an Adams Apple the size of a Toyota He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid against a rock Knock! Knock! Knock! Who's there? His head looks like Jack Nicholson Don't smile like that, it will stay that way YAHMMMAAHOAAHOAAAUGH! Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster [Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]Crow [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here![Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]Servo: James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.A reference to the National Lampoon's Kennedy's Fifth Inaugural Issue, the entirety of which is written as in an alternate world in which Kennedy wasn't shot, and stayed President. In this world, Sean Connery never stopped playing James Bond, and is shown in a poster as starring in the latest Bond movie, The Spy with the Biggest Penis You Ever Saw in Your Life, with many Bond girls.[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]Crow: Kabob and Ka-Steve! Season 3 Cave Dwellers [The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]Crow: How much Keefe is in this movie? Servo: Oh, Miles O' Keefe! Ator: Man's destiny is predetermined. Joel: Oh, he's a Calvinist![Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]Servo [as one of the villains]: You idiot, we don't even have a doe license![Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]Joel [as Mila]: Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw. Servo [as Mila]: What would MacGyver do?[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]Narrator: After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men. Servo: Oh, you mean the '80s.[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]Crow: Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"! Servo: Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point![Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.[The camera pans over a group of snakes, which suddenly make highly non-snake-like growling noises.]Servo: ...what?[Another pan over snakes, another set of growling noises.]Servo: Uh... folks, we have snakes growling here...[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all! Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour. . . . Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator![Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]Servo: Oh, come on. Crow: What the…?! Servo: [laughs]Joel: Terrific. [childlike voice] I'm the luckiest boy in the world! I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God! Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? […] learned aerodynamics…[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there. Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]Joel: Oh, he's landing in the outback now.[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]Crow: Uh— huh? Joel: How'd he do that? Servo [as Ator]: How'd I do that?[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]Joel: Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now. Crow: Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts. Gamera [Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]Crow [as Gamera]: Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables![as Kenny uncovers a pile of rocks]Crow: Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound. Servo: [defensive] Shut up! It's not funny. [Scoffs]Kenny: [looking for his turtle] You there? Servo: [beginning to get a little sad] Oh Tibby... Kenny: Tibby? Crow: ...or not Tibby. Servo: It's not- Stop it! Shut up! Kenny: Tibby! Crow [as Kenny]: Tibby! Tibby! SQUISH! Aww, Tibby! Servo: [getting more emotional] That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop! Kenny: Tibby??? Tibby! Joel: What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom. Servo: [gets up and begins to walk away] I'm leaving! I ha- [sobbing] I can't take this, this is terrible! Joel: Come on back, come on. Servo: [returning to his seat] Will you stop with the jokes? Joel: Yeah. [As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! Joel [as Dr. Murase]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! Dr. Murase: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. General: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. Servo [as Murase]: Because Kenny said so.[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers... Crow [as Newsman]: ... and Kenny... Dr. Murase: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. Servo: More Gamera movies?[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.[as Gamera is lured to the missile, trapped in a large capsule, and launched into space]Servo: Uhh... Crow: Hey, Joel, remind you of anything? Joel: [rips Crow's arm off and hits him with it] Yeah, it reminds me of this!Crow: Ah! Hey! Cut it out. Crow and Servo: [singing] In the not too distant future- [Joel hits Servo with the arm and throws it away]Crow: Ha ha! Servo: You could get sued for that kind of thing. Joel: I'm gonna sue you for using that song. Pod People [Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the public domain karaoke machine]Dr. Forrester: Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner? TV's Frank: People vomit? Dr. Forrester: Your movie today is Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting![The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]Crow: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing course.[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]Hunter #1: What the hell is that? Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear! Crow: A pear?[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]Crow: Oh, what is he, an L.A. Cop?[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]Rick: It stinks! The movie was filmed in Spain, where the okay sign is given to indicate something is worthless, or zero.[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell. Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em? Joel [as Adman]: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves. Crow: And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]Servo: Syntho-birds. Crow: Hey, it's a Casio forest. Joel: They parked next to a data stream.[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton! Tommy: You know what "play" means, Trumpy? Crow [as Trumpy]: Yes, it's where I break you in half.[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]Tommy: You see? The pieces go together. Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope. . . . Tommy: You can do magic things![Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]Crow [as Trumpy]: It's called "evil", kid. Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm? Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes. Crow: Orphan Annie eyes.[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]Crow [as Molly]: Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer. Servo: Meanwhile, in another movie? [sighs] Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT! Tommy's mother: Tommy, can you hear me? Joel [as Tommy's mother]: Can you feel me near you? (Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly) Joel: I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works! Servo: I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams) . . . Joel: Oh, we've got commercial sign!![Servo narrates over the movie's cheesy synthesizer soundtrack:]Servo: Tonight on Music from The Hearts of Space, we'll go on a cosmic joyride with some space music by various bay area artists.[Later:]Servo: First up on Hearts of Space, John Tesh with Whispering Firestorm. Then it's Yanni with SnoreMaster of Trafalgamar. Then comes bay area musician DelMondo with his Sominex Suite in B-flat. Then a synthesized interplanetary salute to Perry Como. At the end of the hour, we'll have information about the types of sedatives used by tonight's artists, on Music... from... The Hearts... of Space. Gamera vs. Barugon [A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]Servo: Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting. Stranded in Space Time of the Apes Gypsy: I thought I told you kids not to play ball in the house![As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]Crow [as Caroline]: My piece of wood! It died so that we might live.[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]Crow [as Officer]: About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap! Caroline: Catherine, I'm scared! Catherine: Don't worry, we're with you. Crow: We're doomed, but with you. Crow: C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot![Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]Catherine: Hurry, this way! Crow: Oh, like you know where you're going![Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]Servo: AAAH! The tree's having a seizure! Daddy-O Dr. Forrester: [offscreen, towards Frank while the button to end the experiment is broken] Frank, what are you doing? TV's Frank: I was just getting a- uh, piece of water. Dr. Forrester: A piece of water? TV's Frank: I mean a glass of- cake... I mean- Dr. Forrester: Come here. [drags Frank over to the button by the ear and forces him to hold the button down; the credits start only to cut back to Deep 13, with the two working on the computer board] Well that's it, Frank; we're licked. TV's Frank: Dr. Forrester, I've known you to be many things, but not a quitter. Are you going to give up? Live, damn it; LIVE! Dr. Forrester: Oh, I remember now; alt function seven. [presses an alternate button and the credits finally roll properly] Alphabet Antics (short) [The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]Crow: Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people.[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]Servo: D is for damned, as in "Village Of". . . . Crow [as dancing boy/Hitler]: You vill dance with me, Eva![The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]Servo [as giraffe]: I want a Clark bar.[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]Joel: I is for Ike. He hides inside.[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large balloon in the shape of an ice cream cone is seen]Joel: Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone. . . .[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]Joel: And there's Elvis now. . . .[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]Servo: [before the narrator can talk] N is for float... huh?[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]Servo: Ah, and there's Louie Anderson. Narrator: O is for once... Servo: "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike? . . .[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]Servo: O is for the obscene treatment of animals. . . . Joel: P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this. Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! Joel [as Narrator]: P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash! The narrator's line is lifted from The Pelican, a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]Crow: Hey, these are all boys! . . . Joel: Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall! Servo: U is for upchuck that comes from below. [imiates vomiting]Narrator: X is for Xmas... Servo: X is for existential dilemma. Servo: Yeah, well, Y is for Yanni, as far as I'm concerned.[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]Joel: Y is the chemical symbol for heavy metals that the fish is full of![As the film ends]Crow [as Narrator]: I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness. Daddy-O (movie) [Upon seeing title of movie]Crow: Daddy-O! Servo: Must be Harry O's father. Or Wendy O.'s dad.[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas follows Sonny out of the bar.]Crow [as Chillas]: Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane![Chillas is able to catch up with and run Sonny's car off the road.]Crow [as Chillas]: You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor.[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls![Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]Phil: What's this? Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter.[As a couple of drug dealers are beating up Phil for information]Man in Hat: Anything new to tell me? Servo [as Phil]: [straining] Rosebud, was a sled. Gamera vs. Gaos [During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]Crow: Oh, bless you.[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]Crow: [startled] Was he mooing? Photographer: [trying to get Eiichi's attention] Hey, Boy! Boy! Joel: Crazy Boy![Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]Crow: Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press. The Amazing Colossal Man [Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the Bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]Servo: [in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it! Crow: [in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it. Joel: Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish. Glenn: All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore. Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid. Glenn: I don't want to grow anymore!Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid![Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]Servo: Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site! Crow: Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield. Fugitive Alien [In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]Jack Perkins: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.[during the title sequence]Crow: Sandy Frank presents our own personal hell!Servo: Indeed. Joel: Who is that guy?[as the film opens with an invasion fleet over a planet]Crow: Oh man, cool, this is just like episode 38 of Star Trek, the first season, but it doesn't have that same kind of- Servo: No no no, it's like the star raider the Daleks had in the fifth generation of the Doctor Who, when they had the three Doctors together, and they had the one that looked like Mo- Crow: No, it's definitely like a Klingon! Joel: Okay, that's good...[as the fleet attacks a city]Crow: Oh, this is super cool, like that first episode of Battlestar Galactica when they have to leave the planet, and Jane Seymour got stabbed in the back! Servo: No no no, it's like Invasion Earth- it's like Invasion Earth and they'll be like Zola babies when the fast source ships come in and they- Crow: Nuh-uh![as a big list of writers are appears]Crow: Why do they need so many writers? Servo: Well, they needed one guy for the verbs, one guy for the nouns, some guys for the adjectives, you know, adverbs...[as Ken flips through the air during the beginning attack] Joel: Oh, it's an intriguing mix of genocide and modern dance. Crow: Hey, you're starting to sound like Jack Perkins, Joel.[as Ken flees, after accidentally killing his own soldier]Crow: Just like that episode, where it was like the Nazi world on Star Trek. Servo: No no no, it was like Doctor Who, when Tom Baker was the Doctor- I think he was the Fifth Doctor, and he was trying to save Neela from the Clite Masters. Joel: That's enough. Crow: No, 'cause I saw it at a math tournament. Servo: No, I saw- I saw it in the Who Festival. They had 12 hours... Ken: I don't wanna die in the middle of nowhere! Joel [as Ken]: I wanna die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret![as Ken is rescued by the crew of the Bacchus 3]Servo: Oh, I remember this. This is just like in Marooned, when David Janssen goes to save Gene Hackman and James Franciscus in the derelict spaceship before the Soviet- the- the- the Soviet... Crow: Yeah, that's pretty cool. Servo: Yeah, and the Soviet satellite comes up and... Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] This is the song written for the train chase. This is the chase, Rocky and Ken! He tried to kill me with a forklift… Olé! Ken: There's the ship... but how do I get aboard? Servo: Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board! Captain Joe: Rocky, how often do I have to tell you, you should stop reading those science fiction novels? Crow [as Rocky]: [defensively] THEY'RE COMIC BOOKS![as the crew of Bacchus 3 discusses what to do about Ken, while Captain Joe drinks from a flask]Rocky: Captain, anyone can make a mistake, just as long as you don't keep on repeating it. I think we should get rid of Ken. Crow [as Joe]: Which one? Tammy: I disagree. Have you already forgotten? Ken saved our lives! I think he deserves another chance. Don't you agree? Rocky: Okay. Joel: Man of firm convictions... Rocky: I guess you're right. I'll take him back on one condition... Joel [as Rocky]: You stop drinking, and start going to meetings. It Conquered the World Snow Thrills (short) [Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]Servo: Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay.[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]Narrator: ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us! Joel: Yeah, well, you're full of skit. . . .[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]Tom: Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs. It Conquered the World (movie) [Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]Paul Nelson: I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying. Servo [as Tom Anderson]: Then gimme back my cocktail. Tom Anderson: It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me. Crow [as Tom Anderson]: Bitter? Oh, a tad. . . .[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]Joan Nelson: A personal friend of yours? Servo [as Joan]: Name dropper! Claire Anderson: [sarcastically] Real chums. Tom Anderson: The days when people made fun of me are over, girl. Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]: You will bow down before me![Paul Nelson (Peter Graves) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself. Gamera vs. Guiron [The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT![during a scene with very poor dubbing]Dr. Shiga: There's no... Servo [as Dr. Shiga]: Business like... show business. Dr. Shiga: ... air or water on the moon... so no living thing inhabits it. As you know for sure. Servo: Uh-huh. Dr. Shiga: And... Joel and Servo: Yeah? Uh-huh? Dr. Shiga: ... there are... Servo: Go on. Joel: We're waiting. Go on. Dr. Shiga: ... no rivers on Mars. Servo: Oh. Crow: Yes. Dr. Shiga: And on Venus... Joel: Yeah? Dr. Shiga: ... it has several hundred degrees centigrade. Joel: We're waiting. Servo: It does. Dr. Shiga: And... Servo: Yes? Joel: Go on? Dr. Shiga: ... the surface of... Jupiter is covered with... Servo: [getting annoyed] SUM. UP. Dr. Shiga: ... frozen ammonia. Joel: You got a little uh... Dr. Shiga: Saturn... is also... Joel: Mhmm? Dr. Shiga: ...the same. Servo: Get on with it! Servo: [singing along to the film's score] Let's watch the kids go to their fates / They'll disappear into the woods / It will be days before they're found / Cornjob will be blamed. Crow: [singing] Why must we sing this stupid song? / It's getting really a-nnoying / We apologize for its le-ength... Servo, Crow, and Joel: We are filled with shame. Servo: Ta-da! Joel: [singing] Now back to our show. Servo: Sorry. [From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]Joel, Crow, Servo: Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera![An establishing shot of Gaos]Joel: Here comes old flattop... Servo: [whispering] Don't! George Harrison will sue you! Joel: Oops, sorry![during the battle between Gaos and Guiron; Gaos attempts to use a beam attack, which Guiron deflects back to Gaos' leg, dismembering Gaos]Crow: He's got a leg up on him now. [Joel and Servo groan]Servo: Crow! Crow: I know. ...[Guiron leaps up at Gaos while they are in flight, slicing off one of Gaos' wings, causing them to crash]Crow: Hi-keeba! I'd give my right arm to beat that guy. Servo: D'oh! Crow: He's flying on a limb and a prayer, you might say. Servo: Grrr! Crow: He's going out on a limb! He's winging it! Servo: Do something, Joel! Do something![Joel begins shaking Crow, threatening to tear an arm off while he laughs]Joel: I'm just gonna leave that there... Servo: [watching Gaos' wings twitch] Hey look, buffalo wings, guys- [realizes] Don't hurt me. ...[Guiron decapitates Gaos]Crow: Quit while you're ahead![Servo groans and Joel shakes Crow some more]Crow: I'm sorry, I'm sorry- ahhh! Akio: [as he and Tom meet the two space-girls] Please tell me, what star are we on? Joel [as Akio]: What's the drinking age? Servo: [whispering] It's a planet. Tom: How far are we from the Earth? Space Girl: We call this star, Terra... Servo: [whispering] It's a planet! Space Girl: It's on the opposite side of the Earth where you are living. Exactly like the Earth with the sun between, same size and moving like the Earth. Akio: So you mean to tell us that it's like a twin star, then? Servo: [getting annoyed] It's a PLANET.Tom: I wondered if there was such a star. Servo: It's a PLANET!!![The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]Joel [as Space Girl]: Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]Akio: Hey, what happened to my hair? Tom: The space aliens did it, they're cannibals! Joel [as Akio]: They ate my hair?[this particular joke was improvised by Josh's Servo in the original KTMA episode]Tomoko: Akio and Tom went on a spaceship, mother! Akio's Mother: Don't tell me such a silly story like Akio and Tom. Tomoko: It's true! We found a spaceship near the river, and they went inside. It lit up suddenly, and- Akio's Mother: I see. Akio's up to something again. Joel [as Akio's Mother]: No more sugar for you. Tomoko: Please tell me something. Don't you believe in spaceships, and spacemen, you know? Akio's Mother: No I don't. Tomoko: But, the paper said a lot of people saw flying saucers. Don't you know it? Akio's Mother: They are all made up stories! Tomoko: But mother- Crow [as Akio's Mother]: I'm not your mother! Akio's Mother: Stop it! Study, or you cannot enter a good school. Servo [as Akio's Mother]: Mommy's just... mad 'cause she doesn't know... phonics. Crow [as Tomoko]: I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break up The Beatles![At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit![Tom's Mother drives up to Aiko's home]Tom's Mother: Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom. Crow: It's Vanessa Redgrave![Aiko's mother approaches]Aiko's Mother: Hello Elsa... Servo: Hello, Inga. Tom's Mother: Hello, thank you. Joel: Hello! Tom's Mother: ...thank you again. Servo: Hello. Crow: Thank you. Joel: Hello. Aiko's Mother: ...sorry to say, but Tom went out with Aiko and hasn't returned. Joel: Thank you. Tom's Mother: I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it? Crow: Hello. Aiko's Mother: No, and there's no use to ask her...[shot of Tomoko on the balcony]Servo [as Tomoko]: I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me! Tom's Mother: ...you said space? Aiko's Mother: Yeah. Joel: Hello! Aiko's Mother: ...much longer. Servo, Crow, and Joel: Thank you! Aiko's Mother: So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up. Servo: Hahahaha... Servo, Crow, and Joel: Hello! Crow: That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you! Joel: Hello. Crow: Thank you. Aiko's Mother: ...much longer. Tom's Mother: Thank you. If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay. Joel: Thank you. Servo [as Tom's Mother]: I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you! Aiko's Mother: ...please drop in for tea. Crow: Hello. Tom's Mother: Thanks, but I'm in a hurry. Aiko's Mother: I see... Servo: Thank you. Crow: Bye. Joel: Hello, and thank you![Tom's mother gets in her car]Crow: Thank you for going. Joel: Hello. Servo [as Tom's Mother]: Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Thank you, hello![As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]: Shut up and keep driving! And thank you! Tomoko: Hello! Servo: [laughing] Hello![After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]Tomoko: Kon-chan? Officer Kondo: Heh? What? Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand![As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]Joel [as Tomoko]: I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! Earth vs. the Spider Speech: Using Your Voice (short) Professor Bueller: Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale... Crow [as Bueller]: ...or an arm...[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]Professor Bueller: Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing. Servo [as Bueller]: Oh, and you must have a wire rack. Professor Bueller: Do you know... Crow [as Bueller]: ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]Man #1: Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well... Crow [as Man #1]: Uh... er... panties![After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]Bueller: Now, let's look at another typical example.[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]Crow [as Bueller]: This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing.[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]Man #2: Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when... Crow [as Man #2]: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'... Man #2: I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and... Servo: Ah, Garrison Keillor. Professor Bueller: Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do... Joel [as Bueller]: ...will wish he were dead. Earth vs. the Spider (movie) Carol Flynn: I know something's happened to him. Mike Simpson: Sure it did. Maybe he ran out of gas, he'd never meet anybody on this road... hold everything, what do you call that? Servo [as Carol]: Oh, that's just a dead fa- a DEAD FATHER??? Oh nooo! [Sobbing]Crow [as Carol]: Oh my God![as Mike and Carol first encounter, and flee from the titular giant spider]Joel [as the Spider]: Hey, come back! I'm actually beneficial! I eat harmful household pests! Jim Morrison drank my venom![as officers carry out the desiccated corpse of Carol's father]Sheriff Cagle: When you get into town, make out a coroner's report. Just put down Jack Flynn is the name.. Joel [as Cagle]: Dry's the game. Cagle: The cause of death, uh... Kingman: It was the spider. Drained all the liquid out of his body. Cagle: Uh, just put down "cause unknown" and let the coroner worry about the rest. Crow [as Cagle]: And put some lotion on him or something, he looks like hell. [Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]Joel: No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him! Servo: Wow. Crow [as Dr. Erhardt]: Enjoy! The only mention of former 'Mad' Dr. Laurence Erhardt after his departure.[Joel mentions KISS]Crow: [sighs] Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool![The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]Crow: It's Rose Kennedy! Professor: It's what we ordinarily call a bird spider... Joel [as Professor]: Yeah, this one's called a big flippin bird spider.[a scene has just ended where the body of the spider has kicked a scientist while unconscious, and people are laughing it off; the scene transitions to Carol grieving her deceased father as her mother attempts to comfort her]Joel [as Carol]: I don't think he's funny! Daddy's dead, and everyone's making jokes! Servo [as Carol]: This music's making me wretch, mom. Turn it off. Crow [as Carol's mom]: Oh, still upset about dad? That guttersnipe would have traded you for a case of German beer any old day. Carol's Mother: Don't, Carol... Carol: I can't help it, mother. Carol's Mother: I know. I loved him too... Joel [as Carol's Mother]: Sometimes, like the day he was sober... Carol: I keep thinking that it was my fault... Servo [as Carol's Mother]: Granted... Carol's Mother: How could it be? Carol: It never would have happened if he hadn't gone to get me that present... Crow [as Carol's Mother]: Good point. Carol: Now I've lost him... Carol's Mother: You mustn't think of it that way, Carol. Servo: Mom's all broken up... Carol: Why did I have to drop it in that cave? I wanted so much to keep it, mother! Carol's Mother: Forget about it now, dear. You have your homework to get ready for tomorrow. [gets up to leave]Joel [as Carol's Mother]: I don't want you getting bad grades just 'cause dad's worm food. Carol's Mother: Oh, and I forgot. Mike called you twice before you got home from school and said he'd be at his father's theater. Servo [as Carol]: His... father's-? [sobs loudly][as a scene opens outside a movie theater, featuring a familiar movie poster]Crow: Hey! "What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?" Servo: Cool! Mike's Father: Mike, you're wanted on the phone. Crow [as Mike's Father]: And get my shirts from the laundry. [Mike goes inside]Joel [as Mike]: Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool![Mike walks into a room with multiple photos featuring shots of various films from Bert I. Gordon]Servo: ... everywhere... oh Bert... Mike: Hello? Carol: Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet. Crow [as Arnold Schwarzenegger]: I lied. Mike: You don't mean right now, do you? Carol: If you can get away. Please Mike? Mike: Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. Something about puppet people. Sounds pretty wild. Joel: Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon... Carol: Please? Mike: Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again. Carol: Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there. Mike: Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes. Carol: I'll be waiting. [Mike runs outside]Mike: I'll see you dad, I got a date now! Mike's Father: Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you? Servo [as Mike's Father]: Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie?[as the giant spider revives in the school gymnasium as the band rehearses and the drama club is dancing, scaring everyone out of the room; the janitor sees everyone fleeing]Joel [as the Janitor]: Oh, someone must have puked big time, I'll get extra sawdust. [the janitor looks in the room]: Spider: RRRRRAAAAAA!!![the janitor immediately slams and locks the door]Crow [as the Janitor]: I'm gonna lock them kids in there! ...[the Janitor is desperately calling Mr. Kingman as the spider knocks on the wall]Crow: [chanting as the phone rings] Wait fo' da beep. Joel, Crow, and Servo: [chanting] Wait fo' da beep! NOBODY'S HOOOOOME! NOBODY'S HOOOOME! ...[the spider breaks free and towers over the janitor after Kingman answers the phone]Janitor: It's the spider- THE SPIDER- [drops the phone in terror and puts his hands up]Servo: Oh no, not a crane shot! No, no, not the crane shot! Nooo! Joel: Mammy! Mammy![scene cuts to Kingman's residence]Kingman: Hello? Hello? Crow [as Kingman]: Mr. Oh My God Crunch Crunch? Look, spit out whatever you're chewing and start over. Mighty Jack [One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]Joel: Sex cameraman? Is this a– Servo: No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel. Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to "Blow the Man Down"]Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down Way hey, slow the plot down! We'll scuttle the story and run her aground. We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Teenage Caveman [it's raining outside of the Satellite and the crew is bored]Magic Voice: Why don't you boys play Hungry Hungry Hippoes? Joel: Oh; we lost all the marbles. Servo: Hey, Magic Voice; don't suppose you know where our Mouse Trap game is, do you? Magic Voice: I didn't play with it last. Crow: [sighs] The pieces are missing anyway. . . . Magic Voice: Well, why don't you read a book? Joel: [as he and the Bots scoff and protest] Oh, gag me... no way! Magic Voice: Well, I don't know what you're going to do then. It's Commercial Sign in five seconds. Joel: Maybe we could play some poker. Gypsy: Poker? What's poker? Magic Voice: [as Joel and the Bots agree on the poker idea] You boys be nice to Gypsy. . . . Joel: [helping instruct Gypsy through the game, whispering] Gypsy, just tell 'em what you want to do and keep your poker face on. Gypsy: [I'm] in! Crow: Let's see, what to do... Gypsy: [cheerfully] Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! Crow: [disgusted, after seeing Gypsy's hand] Oh, I fold! Joel: [disappointed] Aw, Gypsy, you wrecked it; you had a great hand! Aquatic Wizards (short) Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken — never jumped at all. Crow [as Announcer]: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah![Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]Servo: Forget about life-jackets, this is The 50's! Servo: [singing over footage of young women water-skiing] Gee, I hope I'm skating pretty Gee, I hope I get a boyfriend Gee, I hope I don't get acne I'm having so much fun now!Announcer: This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water. Crow: This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur! Servo [as Anouncer]: Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why???.... Joel: Shhh, It's just a movie. Catching Trouble (short) [Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz! Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs. Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk! Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film A Night at the Opera. Crow: [imitating Emo Philips after Joel points out Ross's seminal guide resembles him] I was wondering if we could go into the woods, and maybe we could see some am-i-nals.[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]Ted Husing: Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago? Servo [as Husing]: For voting twice? Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. Crow [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race![Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? Joel: Hurting the people you know and love? Crow: Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or... Crow: ...or call PETA![Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]Joel: What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys? Joel: [as Ross in the ensuing host segment while a rubber rattlesnake is stuck inside a bag alongside a figure of Ross] Not the giant rattler! Please; I can't do that! He hates me; we went to camp together! Servo: [in closing during the ensuing host segment] If you enjoy catching trouble in any way, there's something wrong with you! Joel: Any questions? Teenage Caveman (movie) Narrator: In the beginning, there was chaos... Servo [as Narrator]: Run by Bernie Kopell.[a flash of light appears]Crow: Oh, and then God showed up. Narrator: And a voice said, "Let there be light." Joel: Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these. Narrator: And the dark was separated from the light. Servo [as Narrator]: And permanent press was separated from cottons. Narrator: There was created, the waters and the land. Crow [as Narrator]: And Charlton Heston. ConTel. Narrator: And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit. Servo: Frogs. Joel: Oh, this is Fantasia before they colorized it. Narrator: [lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen] The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied. Crow: They all look like Orphan Annie. Narrator: And then there came... man. Crow [as Narrator]: To screw the whole thing up! Servo and Joel: Hey! Crow: Well, what about Ross?[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]Crow: How green was my valley? Joel: Not very.[The Symbol Maker's teenage son (Robert Vaughn) argues with his father over their choice in hunting grounds]Symbol Maker's Son: Why do we hunt in a place where there are dead trees and only a few animals to give to the fire, when there's plenty there? [footage of a field and lake with a swimming brontosaurus is shown]Crow: Why am I thinking about gas stations? Symbol Maker: [Land like that] promises a lot, but gives only a place to die. Servo: Oh, like Hollywood! Symbol Maker: There are shadows there deep and cold and dirt that eats men. Crow: [as Symbol Maker] And kids that eat paste! Joel: This script is like a telephone directory! Crow: But not as interesting. Crow: [of the Symbol Maker's son early on] Caveman Without a Cause![the Symbol Maker's Son is conversing with a Blonde Maiden (played by Darah Marshall) about leaving the tribe to set out on his own]Symbol Maker's Son: ...So I wonder, how many strange things there are- beyond the river; even beyond the Green Place. Joel: [as Blonde Maiden] He's been to Paradise, but he's never been to me. Blonde Maiden: If you break the Law again, the people will give you death! Servo: [as Symbol Maker's Son] I prefer liberty. Gamera vs. Zigra The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent Joel: [singing] W is for the many ways that you're served Crow: [singing] A is for the admiration you deserve Gypsy: [singing] F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun! Servo: [singing] And F is for the flavor that is second to none! Joel: [singing] L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth! Joe, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] E is for eggs--Oh Baby! Tom: Triple time! Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love-- Gypsy: Send me up another please! Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Oh, waffles we love-- Servo: Top mine off with runny cheese! Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Waffles we love-- Crow: Chili waffles suit me fine! Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Waffles we love-- Joel: Wash me down with Aunt Jemima? Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu![Joel walks in carrying a plate of waffles; with only one thing to say]Joel: ...Waffles. [Movie Sign blares] Oh; we've got Movie Sign! Servo: Boy, I'm full; I ate too much! I'm starting to think the world would be a better place without waffles. Crow: [appears dressed in a waffle costume] No waffles? Servo: Ah, who are you? Crow: Why I'm Willie the Waffle; the wonderful, whimsical wisecracking waffle! Can I ask you one thing? Servo: Sure. Crow: [suddenly shouting] Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of 'em named Chad? Joel: [as "Chad"] Hi, welcome to Jojo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is waffles in game sauce. We also have- Crow: [as Willie] Sorry, Chad; we're gonna have to lay you off. No waffles! [makes whistling noise] Little League baseball would also be impossible without waffles! Joel: [as young boy] Mom, Little League practice is in an hour! Can I have some waffles? Crow: [as Willie/Mom] Sorry, son; no waffles! [makes whistling noise] The Home Economics Story (short) [An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]Joel: Iowa State College: The high school after high school! Servo [singing]: If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]Joel [as Principal]: Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.Crow [as Principal]: Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well. Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.[The camera moves to a close-up, showing the woman has significant jowls.]Crow [as Matronly Woman]: I took several heavy blows to the cheeks with a lead pipe![Kay is discussing college with her family.]Servo: She consulted Robert McNamara. Joel: And Ayn Rand![As Kay sends her application letter.]Narrator: She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box. Crow: (chuckles maniacly) Joel: Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here.[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]Servo [as Kay]: It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself! Joel: It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner![Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]Crow [as Jean]: [in a Curly Howard voice] Hi! Howya doin'? We're gonna have a great time! We're gonna be pals![At a costume design class]Crow: Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?[A football game is starting.]Servo: Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next. Joel [as audience member]: Play "Whipping Post"![A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]Crow: [in marching cadence] I'm a Q-tip, what are you![During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay![Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]Servo: Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade. Narrator: ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question. Joel [as Kay]: How do Pop-Tarts work? Kay: What are you doing to major in, Helen? . . . Louise: What are you going to take, Jean? Joel [as Jean]: I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got! . . . Kay: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach. Joel [as Kay]: Because I can't do.[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]Joel [as little girl]: ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?![Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]Joel [as announcer] Home Economics, starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. Voice Over: What is "Home Economics"? Crow: Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now...[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]Joel: Hey, it's Abbey Road. Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]: Here we come, walking down the street... Servo [singing]: It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]Narrator: Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all. Servo: And to re-enact the last scene from Anna Karenina. The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (movie) Star Force: Fugitive Alien II [as the title appears]Servo: Uh oh, Fugitive Alien II: Electric Boogaloo, the Heretic, Nerds in Paradise, On the Move, Citizens on Patrol! Joel Star Force times two! Two times the action, two times the confusion! Servo: Baboom! Servo: Hey, this music is perky. I'm feeling really good! Crow: Yeah! Hey, this is gonna be fun guys! I'm feeling really- oh who are we kidding, this is a Fugitive Alien sequel, we're in for the two most painful hours of our lives! [Servo begins crying]Joel: Come on, you guys, we gotta be strong. Try not to fall apart. Come on, we've been through too many Sandy Frank films to let him defeat us now. Narrator: A thousand light years away from our solar system lies Valna Star... Servo: [crying] We know... Narrator: ... a mysterious planet with an enriched atmosphere which in part... Crow: Seen it! Servo: Taped it! [cries more][In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus III.]Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey! Joel [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! Narrator: Only one memory of Rita remains: her golden Valnor medallion... Servo [as Narrator]: Which Ken hocked for a pack of cigarettes. Narrator: Ken will never forget her. Joel [as Narrator]: Or the Visa bill she ran up, huh? Captain Joe: Rocky. Crow: Again? Captain Joe: Rocky! Crow: Again?!Servo: That's good, Crow. Colonel Yurulin: Listen to me! I've got something important to tell you! Joel [as Yurulin]: I'm the Unsinkable Molly Brown![Joel and Crow shout in horror as Tom explodes in the theater]Crow: IT'S ALL OVER THE SEAT!!! Joel: Gotta get him outta here! Come on, Crow![They rush out of the theater]Joel: TOM SERVO! OH MY GOD! TOM SERVO'S DEAD! He's dying! It must've been that movie! Oh man! We're losing him! Crow [imitating William Shatner]: A robot watches a bad film, It renders him unconscious, Next on Emergency 911-- [gets slapped in the beak]Joel: Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me! It means the life of our friend, Tom Servo! Crow [on Shatner mode]: But I must finish Tek-Wars of Venusia... must direct Star Trek 9: The Search For Spock's Intelligence! [breaking character] Hooker's a good cop! Whoa! He's a good-- [gets slapped in the beak again]Joel: Crow, you listen to me and you listen good, I need you to snap out of Shatner. I need you here, now, our friend's life hangs in the balance! Crow: [sobs] I'm sorry Joel, I didn't know... Servo: New from the Star Force line of action figures, it's Captain Joe, the boozy, brawling, bloated Bacchus III commander from the beloved Fugitive Alien series! Crow: Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately. Servo: Yes, he swaggers, he staggers, and he even talks! Joel [as drunk Joe]: Uh, a fellow would do a lot worse than throwing with the lot of Bacchus 3. Set 'em up, barkeep. Crow: Flask and travel bar not included. Servo: Yes, with your Captain Joe action figure, you'll be in a constant state of excitement while he's in a state of denial. Joel [as drunk Joe]: Uh... I only drink on the weekend... I can drink! Crow Existential void where prohibited. Servo: Sure, he's got a problem, but you don't have to watch him deteriorate! After all, you spent $9.95 for him. Crow: Tax and license not included. Servo: You can have hours of fun as you organize a crisis intervention for Captain Joe. Joel [as Ken]: Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here and watch you deteriorate! Joel [as Barbie]: Captain Joe, when Ken and I had you over to eat, you got drunk on cooking sherry, and made a pass at me, and threw up all over the Malibu Dream House! Joel [as Donatello]: Captain Joe, dude, I loved you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you cowa-bungle your life. Servo: And don't forget, kids, if Captain Joe refuses to deal with the issues, you can always... Joel, Crow, and Servo: [singing] Try to kill him with a forklift! Servo: [singing to the film's score] Weee're headed for adventure! We'll leave Tammy behiiind. Weee're gonna pad out the film some more, and you'll fall asleeep- three four- Weee're climbing the sandy hill, like you really caaare... Joel: [starting to get annoyed] That's good... that's plenty. Servo: Sorry. Captain Joe: [waking up after being incapacitated by Rocky] I'll kill that Rocky. Crow: Again? Servo: Oh-hooo, hit him. ... Captain Joe: [calling Rocky] Rocky, can you read me? Crow: Again? Joel: ... stop it. Captain Joe: Rocky! Crow: AGAIN?Joel: [snapping] STOP IT![In a desert, The Bacchus III crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]Crow [as one of the crew]: Hey, corn... HEY CORN?!? Gypsy: Well, that was fun, but if I could get a little serious for a moment. Well, I was wondering where we'd be without our boys and girls in shiny red pleather. It makes me proud to know that they're out there, somewhere... :[singing] What can you see, Flying some mystic seas, Fighting for you and me, Captain Joe and the Gang When they pass by, Fitter than pumpkin pie, Steppin' in liquid dye, Time in the blue,[The Bacchus III crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place. Ken: How will we do it? Rocky: Easy. Servo: Wha— wait a minute.[Ken engages Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders, in an aerial dogfight.]Joel: Where have I seen this before? Servo: Oh, I don't know; a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away? Crow: Yeah... Joel: Yep. War of the Colossal Beast Mr. B Natural (short) [Confused about a name in the opening credits]Joel: What does "A.S.C." mean? Servo: "A sick cookie". Joel: Oh. Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the background music in the opening credits] Come on and buy some crap from us You know that you want toAnd the white race will salute youAs you prance and gad about![A large, bleacher-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]Mr. B Natural: Boy! Am I glad to see you! Crow: Well, it's not mutual! Mr. B Natural: Knew your father, I did! Joel: Hey, leave my father out of this! Mr. B Natural: And your grandmother! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam! Servo: Yeah, you were the snake! Mr. B Natural: The spirit of music's inside all of you. Crow: No, I bathe. Mr. B Natural: In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit)[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]Joel [as Jim]: Got it from the Franklin Mint![Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]Jeanie: Wanna come? We could dance! Crow [as Buzz]: Don't hit me! Buzz: No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay... Jeanie: But that's not due for two weeks! Buzz: I know Jeanie... but I... Servo [as Buzz]: ...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster. Joel [as Buzz]: [in a whiny voice] That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me... Servo: Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz". Mr. B Natural: Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the spirit! Servo: Yeah, calls for Satan.[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]Buzz: Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading. Buzz's Mother: All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...? Crow [as Buzz's Mother]: This time, don't make so much noise when you "read." Joel [as Buzz's Mother]: Why does my kid have to be such a dud? I was popular! Mr. B Natural: Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside you! That's me, B Natural! Servo: [excited] So I'm attracted to guys now?[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]Mr. B Natural: You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos. Crow [as Jerry Lewis]: The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away![Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]Mr. B Natural: And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz. Servo: Kicks! Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform... Servo: Kicks! Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for a band competition... Servo: The all-night coke jags in cheap motels! Mr. B Natural: ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun! Crow [as Buzz]: Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Mr. B Natural: When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn! Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know? Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please. Crow [as Buzz]: Forget music, I wanna dance![Mr. B dances to some music.]Crow: He's so perky... kill her. Servo: See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]Joel [as Buzz]: [in a panicky voice] Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that! Crow: [in a midwestern voice] Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day.[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]Joel: Honey West![Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]Joel: Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong.[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]Servo: Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet. Crow: This trumpet is flatlining![Buzz is performing at a school dance]Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white... . . . Joel: Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad. . . . Crow [as radio host]: Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour... . . .[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]Joel: It stinks! Servo: Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band.[Joel steps in as Crow and Servo are arguing about whether Mr. B Natural was a man or a woman]Joel: Hey hey hey, you guys, take it easy. You're never gonna get anywhere that way; let's just get organized. I'll give you both two minutes to state your case, and then time for a short rebuttal... Okay? Crow, Servo: Okay. Joel: All right. Now, standard debate rules, I will act as arbiter... On my mark, begin, Mr. Crow! Crow: Mr. B Natural was a woman. Of this there can be no doubt. Servo: [leaning in] Not a chance, fat bot! Crow: Hey, c'mon... Joel: [pushes Servo back] Hey hey hey! That's one penalty point for Mr. Servo; Mr. Crow, begin again! Crow: Thank you, commissioner. [clears throat] We are compelled to look on the "mister" moniker as merely a whimsical, contrived characterization in the spirit of Peter Pan, played convincingly by the late Mary Martin. And the late Cathy Rigby. And the late Sandy Duncan. And the late... Joel: Get to the point, Mr. Robot! Crow: The point, sir, is: Breasts. Servo: D'... Huh? Crow: Yes! Mr. B Natural had breasts -- a decidedly un-natural thing for a man to have, don't you think, Mr. Servo?[Servo laughs nervously]Crow: When one takes into account the short jacket, the shiny leotard, the wide hips, unless one is wildly confused as my colleague seems to be, one concludes -- naturally -- that Mr. B Natural is indeed a wonderful, spritely -- albeit annoying -- woman. Joel: Thank you, Mr. T. Robot. Your response, Mr. Servo! Servo: [parody of a posh Ivy League accent] Uh, thank you, Mr. Utley. Um, uh... Ignoring the aromatic contumely held to me by my less than erudite confrère, um, no doubt places a thin veil before a tribulus(?) temperament... uh... Joel: [interrupting] Mr. Servo, I'm warning you: No William F. Buckley impersonations under threat of a point reduction! Servo: [normal voice] Okay, sorry. [clears throat] Mr. B Natural! What a guy! Yes, Mr. B Natural is a decidedly modern man. Ignoring the constrictions placed upon him by modern society, Mr. B Natural dresses as he does just as he sees fit. If this means dressing in a shimmering leotard and a powder blue note-spangled jacket, and climbing through the windows of young troubled middle-schoolers to play clarinet with them 'til the wee hours, waking them the next day to whisper in their tender ears, I say more power to him! Joel: Mr. Servo, you're evading the question! Servo: If by this, sir, you mean that Mr. B Natural is a man, I challenge you to come up with any condemning evidence to the contrary! They named him Mister, and I for one have faith that they knew what they were doing. You might as well just ask me to prove that a fish is a fish! Gentlemen, it just is! As for these phantom "breasts" Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say phooey-kaflooey. Perhaps he's been in space too long. Gentlemen, Mr. B Natural is just that. Here's wishing we could all be a little bit more like him. I yield the floor. Joel: Mr. T. Bo-rot, you have twenty minutes to rebut. Crow: Mr. Servo, you have got to be kidding me! Let's assume for the moment that Mr. B Natural is a man. My heavens, what a confusing message to send to little kids! Already there's the painful feeling of isolation. The horrible scarring acne! And Mr. Servo here would have us place a cross-dressing man with a clarinet slap-dab in their bedrooms! Why not men in Little Bo-Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I for one would not... Joel: Mr. Servo, your rebuttal! Servo: Yes, yes, why not, Mr. Crow? I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down all the barriers! Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards. Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big wo-- Joel: [abruptly ending the debate] Uh, gentlemen, I have commecial sign; I'm sorry. War of the Colossal Beast (movie) [Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]Joel, Crow, Servo [as Car Occupants]: [singing to "99 Bottles of Beer"] 100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude! Take one down, pass it around, 99 years of solitude![The searchers find a piece of a truck with a giant fingerprint.]Joyce Manning: Could this be Glen's? Servo: No, no, the whorl pattern is completely wrong. Sheriff: [upon discovering a giant footprint] Whatever made this must have been sixty feet tall. Joyce: Glen was sixty feet tall. Crow: Think there's a connection?[During a very long shot of people getting into a jeep, the jeep being started, put in reverse, turned around, and driven away]Servo: That's right, Bert, spare us nothing. The Unearthly Posture Pals (short) [as the short begins, a logo for Avis Films appears.]Joel: Avis Films, we try harder. Servo: The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.[the short begins with a silhouette on screen]Joel: My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic. Crow, Servo: Hi, Sally.[over a shot of the four kids]Narrator: And these four children are especially important about the four things. Joel: 'Cause they're on the payroll.[talking about the posture contest]Narrator: The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns. Joel: Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats. Narrator: Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement. Servo: Hey, who wouldn't be?[as the kids look at their posture drawings]Joel: That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy. Narrator: But they are not happy with what they see. Servo: They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing! Narrator: For Tommy is indeed surprised... Crow [as Tommy]: No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh! Narrator: ...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round. Joel: He's got VPL. Servo: Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL! Narrator: Now Jimmy is disturbed to see... Crow [as Jimmy]: Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops! Narrator: He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall. Servo [as Narrator]: Just like his dad on Friday night! Narrator: And what gives Jane her worried frown? Joel: Valium? Narrator: Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree. Servo: All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here. Narrator: Our Mary is a happy girl... Servo: (imitates repeated burping)Narrator: ...with hollowed chest and tired head. Crow: She should jut go home to bed. Green Eggs and Ham. Servo: Thank you, Sam-I-Am.[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]Narrator: ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides. Servo [as Narrator]: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired? Crow: Yes, very much so.[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]Joel [as Bombo]: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! [Servo makes broken spine noises][A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]Joel: Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy— Joel: Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you! Narrator: —when Jimmy stands off-balance. Crow [as Narrator]: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face. Joel [as Jimmy]: Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong! Tom: Heh-heh... what? Narrator: At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test.[A silhouette appears on screen]Crow: Hey, it's Hitchcock! Tom: Yeah, after Slim-Fast![All sing the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme]Narrator: Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture. Joel: And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood.[Mary is voted posture queen]Crow: FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX![Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]Servo: Then Mary's head is lit on fire! Narrator: And the other three children win the other posture crowns. Servo: Definitely a fix. Narrator: Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures? Joel, Crow, Servo: NO! . . . Crow: Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life. Appreciating Our Parents (short) [Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt... Servo [as Narrator]: ...in a prison break. Narrator: ...and now, it's mended as good as new. Joel [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. The Unearthly (movie) [The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed John Carradine) as he reassures new patient Grace.]Joel: Hey, John — why the long face, pal?[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]Sharon: Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]Crow [as Sharon]: NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE![During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]Sharon: Don't you enjoy the doctor's music? Crow [as Mark]: Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'. . . .[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]Crow [as Conway]: I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending! Servo [as Groucho]: I can't think of anything else![Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]Lobo: Time for go to bed! Joel: Well said.[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]Joel: His story has a better plot than this movie... Santa Claus Conquers the Martians [On The Satellite of Love] Crow: Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song. Joel Robinson: You wrote a Christmas song? Crow: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Tom Servo: Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"? Crow: Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Road House. Servo: C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas? Crow: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay? Joel: C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon. Crow: All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot. Joel: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"? Crow: Right. Hit it, Cambot! [music starts] Servo: Oh. Oh, I start. I get it. Lyrics TOM Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in CROW We'll gather at the Road House With our next of kin JOEL And Santa can be Our regular Saturday Night thing ALL We'll decorate a barstool And gather 'round and sing TOM Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year! CROW Or we'll tear your throat out And kick you in the ear Joel: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. [music stops] Joel: Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas. Crow: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas? Joel: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before. Crow: Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson! Tom Servo: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. [music resumes] Tom Servo: Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful. Crow: Thank you. TOM It's my way or the highway This Christmas at my bar CROW I'll have to smash your kneecaps if You bastards touch my car JOEL I got the word that Santa has been Stealing from the till ALL I think that that right jolly old elf Better make out his will Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas one and all And this can be the haziest... This can be the laziest... This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all! TOM La la la la la la Ha ha! Crow: How long before it becomes a standard? Joel: I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon! [Joel drags Crow out] Tom Servo: We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Heh-heh-heh-heh.[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies![The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]Crow [as TV Announcer]:For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars![Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar (Pia Zadora) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]Kimar: Now, go to sleep! Girmar: Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more. Bomar: I want to see more toys! Kimar: No, go to sleep! Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]: Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then? Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]: Why, sure![The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]Joel [as Announcer]: Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter. Servo: [in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]Crow [as Santa]: [cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head. Joel [as Santa]: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids. . . . Girmar: Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis racquet! Santa: Oh, this'll never do! Joel: [as Santa] We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O! Crow: Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam.[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]Dr. Forrester: Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny! TV's Frank: Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh… Dr. Forrester: You… hocked… my… Rolex. TV's Frank: Yah… Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift. TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book! Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money. TV's Frank: Heh heh. Oh, Henry! A twisted allusion to O. Henry's The Gift of the Magi, about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other. Master Ninja I [A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]Sheriff Kyle: Pull over! This is the sheriff's office! Crow: Office?! That's a car.[Holly Trumball (Demi Moore) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you. Max: I'm going off duty for the day. Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand. Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi. Mr. Trumball: You got a warrant, sheriff? Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]: Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here. Crow: I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere...[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]Okasa: The old man hired you? McAlister: I am not for hire. Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times... McAlister: The dark times have gone. Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa![Max and McAllister set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja. Servo: We'll be the judge of that. Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production. Max: We're being followed! Servo [as McAllister]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie![The van makes a sharp left.]Crow [as McAllister]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard! Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises. Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! {{hnote|Crow refers to the fact that Master Ninja, rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called The Master.}} . . . [Max, driving his van, jumps over a hollow slope in the road in a suburban part of the town, flying over the camera in between tow separate camera angles.] Joel, Crow, & Servo: TIMBER! [Max makes another jump over another hollow slope, flying over the camera again.] Joel, Crow, & Servo: TIMBERRRRRR! [Okasa has McAllister cornered, but McAllister uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.] Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those. Servo [as Okasa]: Damn. He knows Doug Henning. Max: You all right? Joel [as McAllister]: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop. The Castle of Fu Manchu Crow: Staring contest on the left. Check it out. Fu Manchu: This is Fu Manchu. Crow [As Fu Manchu]: And you're not. Fu Manchu: In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice... Crow: Oh, he's a refrigerator. Fu Manchu: And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril. Joel: Kinda like a Corvair, huh? Fu Manchu: In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete. Servo [as Fu Manchu]: But first, this word from Maxwell House. [footage of the Titanic is shown] Joel: Oh, they stole this from a Titanic movie. Look. ... [the ship hits the iceberg] Crow: Lucy must be around here somewhere. "Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!" ... Crow: [as the passengers panic] Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first. ... [as the ship continues to sink] Crow: And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, The Poseidon Adventure. Servo: [in a gurgled voice] At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!" ...[as the ship finishes sinking]Servo: [in a gurgled voice] There's got to be a morning after... And there she goes! Yay! Crow: Well, that made no sense. Crow: Castle of Fu Manchu; where you eat square hamburgers with chopsticks! Tom Servo: [while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on] I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~ Crow: C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it! Dr. Petrie: Thank you, Curt. It was very kind of you to come. Joel [as Kessler]: Well, I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers- Servo: Joel, no! Fu Manchu: This is Fu Manchu... Servo [as Fu Manchu]: And I'm an alcoholic. Joel: Hi Fu. Tom Servo: (as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio) Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! (breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)Crow: Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man! Joel: Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully. Servo: (while still crying) I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!! Crow: I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie? Joel: Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man. Servo: You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? (sobs uncontrollably)Crow: Better you than me! Joel: Oh, Crow, c'mon... (addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust) Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on! Dr. Forrester: (watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank) You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it?[as Fu Manchu reveals an unconscious man he wants Dr. Kessler to operate on]Dr. Kessler: What's wrong with that man? Crow: Nothing at all! Fu Manchu: There is nothing wrong with him, doctor, he is in perfect physical condition. Servo: I'll say. Fu Manchu: And unlike Professor Heracles, his heart is as sound as a bell. Joel: Bong! Fu Manchu: Do you not agree, doctor, that Professor Heracles should have that splendid heart? Joel [as Kessler] [flustered] Uh, if it comes with that beefy chest! Dr. Kessler: But that man is not dead or dying! Crow: He's only mostly dead! Fu Manchu: ... he will die, for the sake of science. Dr. Kessler: And for your sake also. Fu Manchu: I need Heracles to complete my plans. I need him alive, conscious, coherent. Servo: I wish this MOVIE WERE CONSCIOUS AND COHERENT!!! Crow: What's the deal with Fu Manchu, anyway? It's not like he's really evil; he's just dull! He's like some twisted beauracrat in silk jammies! Joel: (after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying) Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?! Dr. Forrester: (mockingly) Auntie Em, Auntie Em!(Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises)Servo: Oh... King's on his throne. Dr. Forrester: (gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie) Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now. Joel: You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others. Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime! Dr. Forrester: You're sounding like a Hallmark card. TV's Frank: (after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene) You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good. Dr. Forrester: (angrily) Frank! Joel, Crow, and Servo: Gotcha! Master Ninja II [After Max tries and fails to flirt with a girl and she walks away]McAlister: I'm not used to seeing them walk away from you. Servo: Usually they run away screaming.[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]Max: I'm here. Are you? Carrie: Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day. Max: I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.] Servo [as Carrie]: You're a wry wit.[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten. Season 4 Space Travelers [The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]Crow: Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much. The Giant Gila Monster Joel: Hey Gypsy, come here! [Gypsy starts to appear from underneath Joel]Joel: Gypsy, no! It's too small! [Everyone including Gypsy screams as she inadvertently knocks everyone down, including the entire Malt Shop.]Gypsy: These two, nothing but trouble... Back after this.[The film's title appears on the screen]Joel, Crow & Servo: [singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila![Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" Joel: I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" Crow: That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]Joel [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]Servo [as Colonel Kurtz]: The horror! The horror![The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]Crow: Aw, they killed off the only likeable character![Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]Chase: Two twenties! Servo: That makes thirty dollars! City Limits TV's Frank: It's none other than British pop star, Morrissey!... He's a little depressed.[Frank turns to Morrissey]TV's Frank: So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'? Morrissey: [turns to Dr. Forrester] He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried? TV's Frank: Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing. Morrissey: Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried? Morrissey: This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have wept for hours... [Woody and Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]Woody: I lost a tooth. Servo [as Yogi]: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss![Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]Crow [as Woody]: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up. Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny. Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good! Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.[Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.]Servo: No acting beyond this point. Not allowed. Crow: The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it.[A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.]Servo: Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it does say that Boy George rides in flinging molotov cocktails.[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]Mick: You're nothin'. Joel [as Woody]: Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head. Mick: I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but— Crow [as Woody]: Nope. Pretty much squat there, too. Mick: We ain't stupid. Bolo: Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick. Crow: Not on screen anyway.[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]Crow: Oh, Austin City Limits![Albert (James Earl Jones) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]Servo [as Albert]: This is F.U.N. Teenagers from Outer Space [The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.] Crow: Wow, really old teenagers from outer space.[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.] Spacecraft Captain: When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture! Joel, Crow, Servo: TORCHAA!! Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons! Servo [as Captain]: We have the supreme pizzas![Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]Thor: Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall." Crow T. Robot: You mean a day?[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.] Joel [as Derek/Freddy]: [singing to "On the Street Where You Live"] I have often walked down the street before, But I've never done it packing heat before…[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.] Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons! Crow: Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off! Betty: Where are you from Derek? Joel [as Derek]: A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me". Being from Another Planet TV's Frank: [introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call Tragic Moments, panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog] Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point. ... Dr. Forrester: Others in the collection include He Raises a Hand in Anger, World's Deadest Grandma and Dad's Liquid Breakfast. ... Crow: [as Joel and the Bots voice their disapproval] You should be locked up for being that evil![Joel is demonstrating his Invention Exchange presentation: a Jack Palance impersonation kit]Joel: It makes anything you say worth listening to; isn't that right? Crow: [using the impersonation kit] I just purchased a new shovel today. Its cost: 15 dollars. Believe it... or not. Joel: Or you can use it to scare your friends. [to Servo] Hey, is your name said Jack Palance or Jack Pa-lance? Servo: [using the kit] That- would be a decision for you to make. Choose wisely...[Watching the title credit]Servo: You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this. Servo: [reading over the cast names] James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem. Joel: Sam Chew [Jr]? Crow: Gesundheit. Joel: Thank you.[two main characters discover a tomb while the camera shifts to skeletal remains with its jaw open]Crow: [as skelton/Martha Raye] Hi, I'm Martha Raye, the Big Mouth![Peter has brought the stolen mummy crystals to a jeweler for appraisal]Jeweler: Worthless. Peter: Worthless?! Servo [as Jeweler]: Yeah, your career, that is. Peter: What do you mean worthless?! Jeweler: I mean they're not precious. Servo [as Jeweler]: You're precious. Peter: They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man! Jeweler: Well, who told you that? Some hustler in a swap meet? Crow: I don't read Hustler. Peter: Forget it! [takes the crystals back] Servo: I'm gonna find those strawberries... Peter: Clown! Joel [as Jeweler]: Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower![Establishing shot of hospital]Servo: ...and now, Trapper John, M.D.! Crow: Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center! Servo: Yeah![during a radio show]Linda: And now, a special message for those naughty boys and girls who took the institute's mummy. Here's my in-studio guest, our own Professor Douglas McCadden. Crow: Wow, hot show. Douglas: Thank you very much, Linda. To whom it may concern... Crow: [as Douglas] GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK, YOU SONS OF-!!![as Linda Flores (portrayed by Shari Belafonte-Harper) is shown working as a university radio disc jockey]Joel: [as Linda] Now here's The Banana Boat Song by a little someone I'd like to call Dad. Crow: [the mummy reappears on-screen] Oh no; it's that thing again! The thing that's grinding the plot to nowhere![Bill has been stood up by a woman at a fraternity party]Bill: Damn! That's it. I'm through with women! I'm gonna be a priest! [is suddenly surrounded by multiple girls who greet him]Crow [as a girl]: Oh, a priest? We love priests! Joel [as a girl]: [seductively] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!Crow [as a girl]: Oooh, I'm about to.[Joel attempts to throw a uplifting party with clowns on the Holo-Sequencer screen to cheer up the bots, but it soon wears thin]Joel: Wow; when you put all the fun things in the world in one place, it eventually starts to feel hollow, doesn't it? Servo: [towards the Holo-clowns] What are you lookin' at?![one of the scientists rushes to claim a stray crystal for the mummy's (actually a space alien's) device that got left behind]Servo: Big mistake.[the scientist's hand starts to corrode from a flesh-eating virus from the crystal as he cries out in agony]Crow: They're not supposed to melt your hand. Servo: Hate that; the Claw. Servo: [over the credits] You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here. Joel: Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy? Servo: Worse (than that), worse. Crow: What about Sidehackers? Servo: Worse. Joel: Cave Dwellers? Servo: Worse. Crow: Catalina Caper? Servo: Worse. Joel: Pod People? Servo: Worse! Crow: Hellcats? Servo: Oh, worse. Joel: Daddy-O? Servo: Worse! Crow: Rocket Attack USA? Servo: Worse. Joel: Earth vs. the Spider? Servo: Definitely worse. Crow: Ring of Terror? Servo: Worse! Joel: It Conquered the World? Servo: Uh... yeah, worse![Some time later]Joel: The Manchingo Coniglium? Servo: [uncertain] Oh, huh? Crow: Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better! Servo: [This movie]'s a ton worse.[even later still]Crow: How about The Castle of Fu Manchu? Servo: Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film![Dr. Forrester jams Frank's Thighmaster through his head as punishment for letting himself be goaded into yet again nearly freeing Joel and the bots]Frank: I may not have been born with a lobotomy, but now I can look like I was. [collapses onto the button to end the experiment] Attack of the Giant Leeches [On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]Clown #1: Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower? Servo: Yes, about a kajillion times! Clown #1: Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]Joel: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal! Clown #2: [to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]Clown #2: [to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!! Crow: Joel, this is getting too weird; you gotta do something! Joel: I'm working on it! Magic Voice: Joel, Do something! I hate these clowns, and I don't even exist! Clown #1: Joel Robinson! Don't you do that! Don't you do that! Joel: [to the Clowns] I have to do it! I HAVE to do it! [Joel finally manages to turn off the screaming deranged clowns from the hexfield viewscreen, thus putting them out of their misery.]Crow: Well! Let's not do that again![Dr. Forrester is preparing to demonstrate his leech nicotine patch on Frank]TV's Frank: Wait; no! I'm the sum of my vices! I want to live! I want to live and love and laugh in life and live- Dr. Forrester: But this won't hurt a bit! TV's Frank: [completely changes his tune] ...Okay! Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short) [Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]Doctor #1: Fine chap. I wish we had more like him! Crow [as Doctor #2]: Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is! Doctor #2: He'll make a fine Naval officer. Servo: He'll make several of them! Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie) [Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]Servo: Oh, Mommy! Joel [as Announcer]: Honey West! Crow: Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match. The Killer Shrews [it's Present Day for the Bots]Gypsy: What did I get? Crow: Oh, Gypsy, you didn't get anything; Joel forgot he even had a robot named Gypsy! Servo: [angrily] Quiet, Crow! You want to ruin Present Day by being naughty?! . . . Crow: [later on] What did I get? Me next! Joel: I saved the best for last- I got you... dress slacks from J.C. Penney. Crow: [dumbfounded] ...Oh. Joel: Oh, come on, it's a great gift; you can wear it for dressy or casual... I'm gonna have to get you a nice polo top though... Crow: [crestfallen as the other Bots laugh at him] Thank you for the pants... Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick—and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home. It's called "The Killer Shrews", and it stars James Best from The Dukes of Hazzard, so Frank is excited about it. TV's Frank: Hey, it was my favorite show; what can I say?[Frank has a nasty stomachache from drinking the excessively sugary "Killer Shrew" shake]Dr. Forrester: Here, Frank, drink this. [hands Frank a flask]TV's Frank: Thank you; what is it anyway? Dr. Forrester: An ipecac. [Frank starts spewing as he hits the button to end the experiment] Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short) [The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils. Joel [as Narrator]: Smothered in gravy—Texas style! Narrator: Sheriff Billy's got a hangin' tree all set up for 'em. Crow: Hey, kids, you ever read The Ox-Bow Incident? Narrator: Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day. Joel [as Narrator]: All nine of 'em. Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]: And the crowd goes wild! Crow, Servo: [dully] Yay.[After a successful cattle roping]Narrator: Eight seconds. Joel [as the boy]: Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much. Narrator: He rides that horse like he was glued to the saddle. Joel [as the rider]: I ammmmmmmmm![one of the kids walks off after being thrown off his horse]Joel: [as boy, indignantly] Go ahead; strip me of my dignity at age four! What are you all looking at?![Billy Slater is handing out trophies and participation medals to the kids, momentarily shaking hands with one girl]Servo: [as Billy Slater] I loved you in The Parent Trap, by the way. Narrator: Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater. Joel: It's sad, really. Servo: [singing to the tune of Home on the Range] ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!! The Killer Shrews (movie) [The narrator describes the voracious shrew.]Narrator: He must eat his own body weight every few hours… Servo [as Narrator]: …plus a delicious shake.[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]Crow [as Announcer]: Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins![While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]Sherman: Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here! Crow [as Sherman]: These things make everything look bigger![Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]Joel [as Sherman]: I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators![Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the SOL.]Crow, Servo: [singing] Killer shrew! Killer shrew! Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you! He comes out at night to give you a fright. Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite! Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew! He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough. He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff![Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]Servo: Puppies![one of the group walks further into the woods to go out on their own]Servo: [in a sing-song tone] You're gonna die from shrew bites; you're gonna die from shrew bites! Shrew bites, shrew bites~! Hercules Unchained [Ulysses shoots down a quail.]Joel [as Announcer]: Hardly any animals were hurt in the making of this movie. Gypsy: [singing] Last nIIIIIIIGHT! [bashes her face into the harp][Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]Crow [as Ulysses]: I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Servo: When Kennedys ruled Greece. Hercules: I'm so sleepy I can't seem to keep awake! Servo: Uh, that'd be the definition of "sleepy"! Indestructible Man [the Bots decide to prank Joel by switching their programming around into each other]Gypsy: [as Magic Voice] Commercial sign! Commercial sign; pretty soon! Magic Voice: [as Gypsy] Loading Richard Basehart remark. Richard Basehart remark in 5, 4, 3... Richard Basehart now. Joel: Okay; I think I get it now. Servo: [as Crow] No, you don't; you've gone crazy! Crow: [as Servo] I think you're insane, Joel![Joel tries to replicate Lon Chaney Jr.'s trademark eye squint, with Cambot zoomed in on Joel's face]Servo: Joel, what are you doing? Joel: I'm doing an experiment. Crow: Oh; I thought someone replaced the monitor with a Jack-o-lantern! Joel: Oh, bite me; it's for- [Crow and Servo do just that] -Ow! Crow: What? You said, "bite me". Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short) Joel, Crow and Servo: [singing to the opening credits theme] Hey, it's the Undersea Kingdom; for you and for me where the men are in dresses! Crow: [imitates Billy] Shut up, Diane![one faction of the Atlanteans charge through the canyon as their white head-dresses trail behind them]Joel: Hey; it's Jim Henson's Birth of a Nation Babies![the Atlanteans charge down a hill as the short ends]Joel: Oh; big hill, everybody![the screen abruptly flashes to a title card for the next episode]They never did get to any future episodes of the serial. Servo: Well, whaddaya know?[the S.o.L. gang hold a parade based around the Undersea Kingdom short]Crow: [narrating as Allen Thick, as Tom Servo floats by as a parade float] And here's a perennial favorite: the lovable Tom Servo from TV's Mystery Science Theater 3000; he portrays Dr. Norton's submarine from- Joel: -The Undersea Kingdom! Did you know it took 18 seamstresses working around the clock for three months to bring the plucky little bot to life? Gypsy: [as the parade Grand Marshall] It is balloon! Joel: And Tom is filled with over 15,000 cubic yards of hydrogen. Crow: I think you mean helium. Indestructible Man (movie) [Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]Joel: Only millions of Christians.[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]Joel: He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's. Crow [as Chaney]: Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints... Servo: [as Lon Chaney] Man; I gotta take an indestructible whiz. . . . Joel: [later, over a scene of a police car] Officers, be on the lookout for donuts! Servo: Joel, those donut jokes are starting to get old real fast. Joel: [bitterly] Oh, pardon me, Tom "I gotta take an indestructible whiz" Servo...[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]Servo: Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man. Crow: [as Lon Chaney] I may be indestructible, but I still hurt inside![Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.]Servo: Oh, please. He should quit his job. Strippers make way more money than cops! Hercules Against the Moon Men [Repeated Lines] Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank: DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!![TV's Frank gets high from Joel's invention: "Super Freak Out" which consists of him, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy in rock and roll outfits]Joel: What do you think, sirs? Dr. Forrester: I'm a scientist; I don't think, I observe. TV's Frank [high]: See me, feel me, touch me! Dr. Forrester: Oh great, You've triggered a Freak Out in Frank. Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank. TV's Frank [high]: I am the button. [Leaves][Joel and the bots sing an ode to pants]Joel: What keeps our legs all warm and hot? All: Pants! Crow: What prevents a buffalo shot? All: Pants! Tom: What do they got that I ain't got? Joel and Crow: ...Pants. Tom: Well, you can say that again... Huh?[Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle]Servo [as Hercules]: Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of me all day long![Two soldiers walk down a hallway]Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]: Pizza, pizza.[The Queen of the Moon Men reverts back to a corpse thanks to Hercules interrupting the resurrection ceremony.]Joel: This film has aged me... Crow: I know how she feels. Crow [as Princess]: Herc, you gonna help us move? Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs me my life. Hercules: Now see them both safely back to the city. Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs you my life.[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]Joel: It's the Monsters of Rock Tour![Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]Servo [as a rock monster]: Don't let him get you over his head![Shot of barren moonscape]Servo: We seem to be in some sort of Limbo zone. Crow: Rush Limbaugh? Joel: No, that would be more like Hell.[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]Servo [as a rock monster]: Wanna get stoned? [pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]Crow [as Bob Dylan]: Everybody must get stoned! Crow: Gypsy, did you realize that Walter Pigeon was the original Admiral Nelson in the film version of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? Gypsy: No way... Crow: Not Richard Basehart! Gypsy [upset]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! JOOOOOEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!! Joel: [reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper] Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...? Crow: [matter-of-factly] It's really not that good! Joel: Come with me, mister! [grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen]Crow: AAAAAAGH! The Magic Sword Dr. Forrester: Well Jimmy Smits, your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of Bert I Gordon. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring sword and sorcery, Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone.[The knights face an ogre.]Joel: Teddy Ruxpin, no![George fights a two-headed dragon.]Joel: Lighten up, they’re just puppets! Crow: Hey... Joel: Sorry.[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]Crow: I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy.[Joel,Servo and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]Crow: [singing] She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT! Tom Servo: EEAUGHHH! Crow: [continues singing, ignoring Servo] She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED! Hercules and the Captive Women [the movie opens proper with a map of the Greek city of Thebes]Crow: Bonanza! Servo: And if that map burns, it'll be a Greece fire![Gypsy makes a rare theater appearance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]Gypsy: Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting! Joel: [trying to hide his amusement] Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie. Gypsy: [catching herself] Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry...[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]Gypsy: Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses! Joel: [impressed] All right, Gypsy! Good one! Gypsy: [during a scene where Androcles speaks with Hercules and his Council in Thebes; to Joel and the others] Hey, you guys; I just remembered, I have a million things to do. Joel: Gypsy, you can't leave! You were the one that wanted to sit through the whole experiment! Gypsy: [uneasy] That was before... I knew... and then there were these things, and now I have to go do them. Crow: Well, Gypsy, if you can't stand the heat- Joel: That's okay, Gypsy, run along; it's really fine. [Gypsy leaves the theater as the film continues; aside to the bots] She did her best. I don't want you guys making fun of- Crow: [shushes Joel] Watch the movie, Joel! Crow: [recurring, as Timoteo] I have my rights; I have my rights! It was Harry Callaghan!![Frank demonstrates a hybrid lawnmower/baby pram and nearly jostles one of the babies in the Deep 13 daycare]Dr. Forrester: [horrified] Frank! You could've hurt baby Melvin![Princess Ismene is introduced; delirious and shackled behind an enchanted section of wall rock]Crow: [as Hercules] Say; are you a captive woman? Ismene: [wearily] Kill me... Joel: [as Ismene] ...with kindness.[as Hercules and shape-shifting Proteus fight, the latter god turns into a lion, growling]Crow: Kitty! Servo: Suddenly it's a MGM film. Crow: [as Proteus, turning back into his lizard monster form] I'm back; I'll be your tour guide through Hell! Ha ha! Joel: [as Servo imitates the lizard yipping] Dino! Steam Dragon; steamin' mad at Herc! Crow: Daryl Dragon. Joel: [as Ismene] I love it when men and lizards fight over me![over a shot of Hercules laughing mirthfully]Joel: Oh, it's Topol! Crow: The smokers' tooth polish? Joel: No; the hard to work with actor. Crow: Oh.[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] The Simpsons...Hercules: [after seeing a vision of Androcles calling for Hercules' help, and prays to Zeus] Oh omnipotent Zeus... Servo: [as an answering machine] Hi; Zeus is not in right now, but if you'd like to leave a message... Hercules: ...Hear my plea... Crow: Not guilty by reason of insanity! Hercules: If Androcles is still alive- Joel: [sung] In the year 3535... Hercules: Pray thee that we might meet again; if it may be in my power to save him. Oh, Zeus, my father! Crow: [as Zeus] I'm not your real father; it was Poseidon! Ismene: Today is dedicated to Uranus. Crow: [as Hercules] Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh? . . .[Hercules first confronts Antinea over Ismene's attempted sacrifice to Proteus, and is assailed by Antinea's forces]Servo: [as Hercules] You're supposed to be nice to me! Today is dedicated to my- Joel: We know![Atlantean children in white robes are being led away by high priests]Joel: Hey, it's Jim Henson's Ghandi Babies. Mother: [voicing her protests from within the crowd] No, my only son, no! You can't take him! Joel: [as Hercules and Ismene watch the crowd restrain her and force her to resume prayer] I hate hecklers. Crow: [whispering] Conform; c'mon, conform. Ismene: These children are also dedicated to Uranus. They're being taken to the Mountain of the Dead. Servo: [as Hercules] Oh, cool! Is that a Six Flags Mountain of the Dead? Crow: When in Chicago, visit the coal mine at the museum of Science and Industry on the Lakefront.[one of Antinea's soldiers asks for forgiveness after his men were overpowered by Hercules' son Hylas and Timoteo who rescued Ismene]Antinea: You're right; it won't happen again. Servo: [as Antinea] Because you're fired! Crow: [as a pit of acid opens in the floor] Not the commode! Joel: I knew it; death by chocolate. Soldier: [begging] No; don't kill me! Servo: [as soldier] Don't make me take a bath! Joel: [as the soldier is forced into the pit] You can't do that; I have tubes in my ears! You're gonna get in trouble so bad! Whoa! Crow: It'll kill him, but it'll do wonders for his arthritis. Servo: [as soldier; in the pit gurgling] Is it too late to request a last meal? [the soldier is soon reduced to corroded skeletal remains]Crow: Another Jenny Craig success story. Crow: [as Atlantis crumbles and citizens die in the climax] For Herc, these are just acceptable losses.[Crow and Servo made a Hercules action figure- which seems to have only one action phrase]Hercules: I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. Servo: Okay, we admit it; our action figure's lame- lame! Crow: [crying] We're failures, Tommy; failures! Joel: No, don't say that! You put your best foot forward. Servo: I don't even have a foot! [cries again]Joel: Okay; that's beside the point. You guys tried your very hardest, and because of that, you'll never be failures! [pulls Hercules' voice box cord again]Hercules: You're absolutely right, Joel Robinson. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. Goodnight now. [Joel faints in shock as the show cuts to commercial][Antinea is talking with her daughter Ismene about why she sent her away to be sacrificed]Antinea: On the day a daughter of mine would outlive me, it is written that the sacred texts the Kingdom of Atlantis will be destroyed. Ismene: Mother, you can't mean- Antinea: You must die. Crow: Boy, she's really strict. Ismene: No... I don't want to die. Servo: [mock crying] I want to live! I want to live and laugh and love in life and live! Joel: [as Antinea] You stop or I'll give you something to cry about.[Antinea's guards arrive]Antinea: Take her away. Servo: [as Antinea] And if you don't die willingly, I'm going to ground you, young lady![as the youths storm Queen Antinea's temple]Servo: Remember the Alamo! Crow: Storm the Bastille! Joel: Give us Barabbas! All: Hell no, we won't go! Attitca! Attica! Atticus...?[Hercules stumbles upon the slaughtered army of youths outside Antinea's temple]All: [as the pile of bodies] We love you Conrad, oh yes, we do...Joel: [to Gypsy] Richard Basehart! Gypsy: Don't patronize me, Joel! [as Atlantis crumbles in the climax] Queen Antinea: [pleading to a statue of their god Uranus] You must protect me, mighty Uranus! Joel: [as Uranus] Bite me; I'm a statue. Timoteo: [after Hercules falls asleep following a conversation with Androcles] I really would've prefered he hit somebody. Crow: [as Androcles] Well, whatever tugs at your bobber, little fella.[as the film draws to a close, and the screen pans out to Hercules' boat sailing into the horizon with the heroes on it]Crow: [in a Jamaican accent] Come back to Atlantis! Joel: Make it Atlantis again, man! Servo: Now let's hear Herc regale in the tale one more time![as the S.O.L. crew celebrate having gotten through (seemingly) the last Hercules movie they were subjected through]Servo: Hercules, wherever you are out there in the ancient Greek Pantheon, I just want to say... bite me! Manhunt in Space Crow: [regarding the debate of black and white movies vs. color films] The way I see it, Joel- The Joads had a depressing enough life as is, and then they filmed it in black and white. Gimme color; give me some pizzazz![during a host segment, the bots are performing a parody of General Hospital, each line punctuated by a sting organ noise]Servo: [to Crow] Peggy, I'm afraid I have bad news for you. Crow: Oh my God; what is it? Is it a hiatus hernia? Servo: No, it's not that. Crow: Is it the heartbreak of psoriasis? Servo: No, it's not that. Crow: Is it a Mo-No on the A-Go-Go? Servo: No, I'm afraid it's far worse than that. Crow: Please, Doc, tell me what it is! Servo: Well, when you were walking down the hall earlier, the back of your hospital gown was open, and everyone could see your butt! Crow: [crying] I'll never live down the shaaaaaaame! Servo: You know, my dear... in tough situations like this in the past, patients found the best thing is to be comforted by me- Dr. Chad Feelgood. Crow: Oh, Chad... Gypsy: [enters as a nurse] You cad! I knew you were cheating on me!! Servo: My dear, I can explain! Gypsy: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I- [to Crow] Hey; nice butt![Crow breaks down in tears along with Gypsy]Servo: I can comfort you, I can- Joel: What's going on here? Servo: Oh no; it's Joel Robinson! The hard-drinking, heavy-fisted, cantankerous yet lovable hospital Administrator! Joel: No, I'm not! Servo: Oh no, and he's suffering from amnesia! Joel: You guys, listen: I'm not gonna play soap opera with you. When I was 9 years old, my sister made me play soap opera with her. I'm not gonna play soap opera. [Cambot continues playing the soap opera sting music] Okay Cambot, that's it. Alright... that's it! [unplugs Cambot in irritation] Who's next?![Rocky's second-in-command Winky visits the Satellite of Love via the Hexfield screen, claiming to be a real ladies' man nowadays, while the bots are more than skeptical]Winky's Mom: [after she answers the Bots' phone call to his house] Winky! Telephone! Winky: [flustered] Oh, um... yeah, Clarissa! Why don't ya start; the hot oil's warming up, I'll be right over! Winky's Mom: What?! Servo: [shocked] Oh my- Winky, that's your mother?! . . . Crow: [after Joel cuts the communication from Winky] You think we were a little too hard on him? Joel: Uh, actually I don't think we even got through to him; and for Winky's sake, I hope we never do. General Hospital, Installment 1 (short) [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]Crow: Ah, here comes Nurse-feratu.[An elderly Dr. Steve Hardy appears on-screen.]Crow: Hey, he was old even then! Servo: [as Steve Hardy explains what a hiatus hernia is to a patient] The body sees the hernia as a series of ones and zeroes. Manhunt in Space (movie) [Joel and the Bots riff over the opening credits, briefly addressing casting director Bill Tinsman]Joel: [singing] Oz never did give nothing to Bill Tinsman, that he didn't already have. Crow: [of screenwriter Arthur Hoerl] I wanted to hoerl after I read the screenplay. [Servo makes fake retching noises][A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]Servo: Look! It's the MST3K logo! Joel: [aside] Uh, you're not supposed to know about that... Servo: Oh, uh... [whistles innocently.]Oh, geez! Tom Servo just broke the 4th Wall![Rocky expresses concern for Vena after she hasn't contacted the Ranger team back, while Winky lounges back with a magazine]Winky: Vena's just still on her vacation; as for me, just let me relax with my little black book and the gay nightlife. Joel: [briefly taken aback] Ah; insert joke here.[Rocky Jones and Bobby are discussing the Cold Light technology they plan to use on their journey]Rocky: So you already know from the Professor. Bobby: Yes, we discussed it; and I offered him my opinion on it. Rocky: I'm sure he appreciated that. Bobby: Cold Light should never be used indiscriminately; the gamma rays would be fatal to anyone near it. Servo: [aside] Remember that, folks.[while tag-along kid Space Ranger Bobby is on-screen with Rocky and the others]Joel: [as Bobby, disgruntled] One day, all of you space losers are going to be working for me, and I mean it! Crow: [of Queen Cleolanta] Oh; she's angry when she's beautiful![the evil Queen Cleolanta requests to her subordinate Atlasan to enter the Prah star system to confront Rocky herself]Atlasan: If that is what you wish, your Highness... Queen Cleolanta: No; it is what I command. Crow: And we know what weight that carries.[after Winky makes a snide remark regarding Vena making him a midnight snack]Crow: Winky thinks it's good to boss around women. He wants it to stay like the 50s forever! Servo: [as Winky] I think she likes me! Tormented [Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me! Crow: Bingo! . . .[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me! Servo [as Tom Stewart]: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye. Vi: Save me, Tom, please! Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.[Tom Stewart goes to check for Vi's body, only to find clumps of seaweed where she fell]Joel: Oh, she turned into a Caesar salad. Servo: Somebody kelp me! Ha-ha![Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]Tom: Meg's mad at me. Sandy: She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me! Tom: O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life. Joel: Put her down, Jerry Lee! Vi: [as a ghostly head, after declaring to Tom that she threatens to expose him as a murderer] I told you already- no-one will ever have you but me! Tom: Stop it, Vi! Vi: Try me... [starts shouting] TOM STEWART KILLED ME! TOM STEWART KILLED ME! Joel: [as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me; c'mon, everybody! Servo: [as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me! Now just the ladies; join in![Tom wraps Vi's head in a sack and carries it outside while she still protests]Joel: [as Tom] Let's go bowling. [drops the sack down the steps of their building]Crow: [as Vi, tumbling down the steps] T-o-om Stewart ki-ill-ed m-e-e! Crow: [exorting demands from Joel, who's hanging from the air ducts and begging for help] I wanna be taller than you, and more popular. Gypsy: Hey, Tom, Crow, do you guys want to--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [She sees their disembodied heads and leaves screaming in horror]Joel: Hey you guys? What in the world happened over there? I saw Gypsy running away like she'd seen a ghost or something.[Joel and the Bots are left worn out by the film's bleak tone]Joel: It's only a crappy movie by Bert I. Gordon he made to massage the marketplace! Servo: Simply nurturing one's basest instincts and trying way too hard to be film noir! Crow: [crying] Geez, Joel; I'm riding such a major bummer that I just spent a couple hours at Liqour Aisle talking to... Neil Young! The Beatniks [Joel is aggressively playing Rock Paper Scissors with the bots]Magic Voice: Joel, I hope you're not playing too tough with those two. Joel: No, ma'am! Gypsy: [rushes in with a furious shriek and rams Joel] GYPSY CRUSHES JOEL! MY BABIES!Joel: [bandaged up from Gypsy ramming into him] My achin' noggin... Gypsy: Yeah, Well, serves you right for taking advantage of these little Charm-kins! Joel: Oh yeah? well, you should ask these little "charmkins" what I found oozing out of my pillow case this morning! Servo: Aw, you little baby, it could've been a lot worse! Crow: Yeah, at least we killed him before we stuffed him in there. Gypsy: Enough, you three! Freebie and the Bean are calling.[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank demonstrate their Good Luck Troll costumes, as Frank protests]Frank: Can we just get on with this, please? Dr. Forrester: Shut up, Frank; or I'll let the dog play with you![Joel is reading a letter from a young viewer who tells them that his mother is making him write "I will not call my mom a dickweed"]Joel: [reading] Before I start this auspicious task, I must ask in the interest of justice... is dickweed a swear word? Joel/Servo: [at the same time] No/Yes! ...Yes/No? No... no. Servo: Nope; dickweed isn't a swear word. it's clean. You're cool. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed."[Gypsy suddenly slithers past Joel and Servo, screaming loudly. Crow then enters brandishing a knife]Crow [as Mooney]: Where'd she go man, where'd she go?! Joel: Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy! Crow [as Mooney]: I did it for you, Eddie! Joel: Oh great, he's on moon mode again... Crow [as Mooney]: That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you! Servo: That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a hinder to speak of. Crow [as Mooney]: That's it, That's it! [Crow then "stabs" Servo who collapses on the table] General Hospital, Installment 2 (short) Ken: Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey. Servo [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]: Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there...[the short opens with a cake decorated with the word "Congratulations"]Joel: Congratulations, you're one second into the film! Crow: Oh no! The plaster's coming off! Crow: Another alcohol-free party ends in shame. This little playlet is brought to you by the Booze Council, reminding you to stock up on alcoholic beverages for all your social occasions, because booze really satisfies. Joel: Booze takes a dull party and makes it better! Tom Servo: Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds. All singing in unison: B-double O-Z-E, booze! [Crow hiccups] The Beatniks (movie) [as Eddie and the others rob a shopkeeper at the start of the film]Shopkeeper: Don't you ever rob anybody else?! Eddie: Sure; but we like you! Joel: [as Iris, sitting in the getaway car] I thought they liked me. Moony: Hey, I'm no leader. Leaders always got too much on their minds, man! There's just one thing on my mind; one thing. [makes a cracking noise and laughs]Crow: I don't get you. Must be some weird conceptual thing. Eddie: [singing] Leather coat... Servo: ...Dish of ice cream! Eddie: ...duck-bill hair. Crow: [as café patron] Hey, would you keep it down? I'm eating a bagel over here! Eddie: Call me wild... Joel: ...Oscar Wilde! Eddie: ...I don't care! Sideburns, don't need your sympathy. Eddie: [singing] Anything... Joel: ...Is better than this crap! Moony: I killed that fat Barkeep! Eddie: [recurring line] Shut up, Iris. Moony: I'm gonna moon you!! Crow: [as Moony] Y'know, hang my butt out! Crow: Then we can ride Yoshi to the Mushroom Kingdom. Fire Maidens of Outer Space [An example of Crow Syndrome.] Joel: Well, anyway, with double entendre, you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: [suggestively] "Say — does this TV have a remote? Mmmmm!" Servo: Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: [suggestively] "Say — check out the arms on this jumpsuit!" Right? Joel: Oh, right on! Woo-hoo! Servo: All right, yeah! Joel: [suggestively] "As far as I know, Lincoln's not President anymore!" Servo: Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [suggestively] "She came back from the store with a bag of apples, and a loaf of bread!" Joel: Mmm-mmm-mmm! Crow: I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—" Joel: Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about. [the dark robot Timmy first appears after Joel and the bots leave the room for first Commercial Sign] Magic Voice: [as Timmy snarls and attacks Cambot] Who are you?! What are you doing here; keep away! Cambot; look out! Joel, Servo, Crow (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder! Crow: [as one of the astronauts shoots the monster and it lets out a pained monstrous groan] Oh; [it's] Frankenstein! Crow: I question the relevance of this scene. Servo: I question the relevance of every scene.  :[Timmy jostles Servo] Tom Servo: Oh! Ow! Now, that does it! Come here, you. [He lunges at Timmy] Joel Robinson: Hey, Tom. What the hell? Hey, you didn't tell us Tommy was in here. Crow T. Robot: Timmy! Joel: He's not supposed to be in the theater, you know. You knock it off! There's no roughhousing in here. I'm telling you. Tom Servo: I'm choking! I'm choking! Help! [Timmy gags him] Help! [Servo's muffled sobs for help continue] Crow T. Robot: Joel, I think Timmy is trying to kill Tom Servo! Joel Robinson: Yeah, that's right. Go to the bridge. Stay frosty. I've got a plan, okay? [the specter-like robot Timmy has trapped Servo in a cocoon on the bridge, while Joel arrives with a broom to hold Timmy back as he attacks Crow] Joel: Let go of him, you bitch! Crash of Moons Servo:Oh, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you! Gypsy: Really? Servo: And I know I'd love you, too, if only we could-- Crow: Why, you haven't a chance with a girl like her. It's me she cares for! Isn't that right, Gypsy? Gypsy: I can't decide. Crow: Can't decide? Well maybe this will help. [At the end of "Gypsy Moons", Joel gets annoyed with Crow starting to sing bawdy lyrics and clamps Crow's mouth down] Joel: Stop! Stop! We hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. And now here's our own Al "Jazzbeaux" Collins with a message. Never again you guys. That's it. Dr. Forrester: DON'T YOU DO IT! DON'T YOU DO IT! I KNEW YOU SENT A BANNER-GRAM! FRANK, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! TV's Frank: Hey, someone sent us a Banner-Gram! Bavaro: Boopie! Dr. Forrester: [screams as screen cuts to black] TV's Frank: Hi, Bavaro. General Hospital, Installment 3 (short) [In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.] Phil: And you choose to make a life with Ken? Cynthia: Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people. Joel [as Cynthia]: Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but… Crash of Moons (movie) [Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.] Rocky: [cadence-calling] Hup, 2, 3, 4! Servo [as Rocky]: We are in a crappy film… Joel, Crow [as Men]: We are in a crappy film… [Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.] Rocky: They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon. Cleolanta: They will tell me where to take my people?! Rocky: No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise. Joel, Servo: [singing] For yooooou! Attack of the the Eye Creatures [Upon seeing the misspelling in the film's title] Joel: Attack of the the Eye Creatures? What, did Mel Tillis write these titles? [an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate] Air Force Officer: Now take off! Joel:...to the great White North! Harold's Girlfriend: Ooh, Harold! Servo [as Harold]: Ooh, Maude! Susan: What if we turned ourselves in to the police? Servo [as Stan]: Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges! [During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.] Crow: [singing] I've got Sammy Davis eyes! [a la Rip Taylor] I've got a million of them! Literally! [While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate] Joel: Now why doesn't that work with relatives? [Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.] Crow: The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs. . . . Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King. . . . Crow: If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care! The Rebel Set Servo: [in terror as Joel reads Life's Little Instruction Book to him and Crow] The humor; the humor! Gypsy: [slowly] "A train leaves a station at 2PM, going 90 miles an hour. Another train leaves another station going the opposite direction at 5PM going 60 miles an hour. How long before they meet?" Joel: Oh, Gypsy, that is everything great literature should be: according to Merritt Stone. Servo: [offscreen] HE'S NOT MERRITT STONE! Johnny at the Fair (short) Narrator: Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough. Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny's car rolled and burned. Narrator: There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India. Joel: Simulated culture like Disney World. Narrator: "No, Johnny," says Mom, "we're going to the art gallery." Servo [as Mom]: And you'll like it! Crow [as Johnny]: No! I don't wanna go! Narrator: ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything. Servo [as Narrator]: Besides, the Mariners are playing, so who cares? Narrator: Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, Joe Louis. Crow [as Narrator]: Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems. [Johnny is watching a performing horse show, as the judges' winning pick and her foal trot around] Servo: And Johnny transmogrifies; he's a shapeshifter! And he breaks the Fourth Seal! Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland". Joel: Oh, we've all been there. [Johnny is shown walking around the fairgrounds] Servo: Johnny feels dark hands pressing him onward; the voices in his head get meaner. [An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.] Joel: Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada. [Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.] Narrator: Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down. Crow [as Narrator]: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in. [Johnny spots a flying helicopter.] Narrator: "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!" Servo: What? Narrator: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." Servo [as Narrator]: Visions of the Mekong Delta flash before Johnny's eyes. [Champion figure skater Barbara Ann Scott gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.] Crow [as Narrator]: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." Narrator: Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride. Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady. The Rebel Set (movie) John Mapes: [introduced as he's rehearsing to a acting lessons vinyl] Look, Kate, I am a gentleman. "Kate": That I'll try. Crow: [disgusted] Oh, great; another oily unlikable character! John Mapes: I swear I'll cut you if you strike me again! "Kate": So you may lose your arm. If you strike me, you are no gentleman. Servo: It's Ms. Hathaway! "Kate": And if no gentleman, why then no arm? John Mapes: A herald, Kate! Oh, put me in thy books! "Kate": Ha-ha, what is your crest? [loops] A coxcomb? A coxcomb? Servo: [alongside the loop] A Henry Miller. Joel: [as Mapes shuts off the record] Oh wait a minute; it's a little late for acting lessons. They started filming already. [as the character of Leland is introduced on-screen] Servo: You know who that is? I'll give you a hint- I sing whenever I sing, whenever I sing... Crow and Joel: Oh no! King Invader: [whilst reciting beat poetry] Smell, oh nostrils; hear, oh ears... Cafe Patron's Husband: [sarcastically while clapping] Bravo, old Majesty! King Invader: [in a bitterly sardonic tone] Thank you, old square... Joel: Hey, that would be a good phrase to use on someone who's not very hip. Cafe Patron: [to beat poet King Invader, as she and her husband are leaving] King, we enjoyed it; truly we did. Dear heart. Crow: [as patron] My husband's very hip at home! King Invader: [short pause] I am bugged...! Joel: God of facial hair! King Invader: ...beyond recall! [after thwarting Tucker's double crossing over the ownership of the heist money, John Mapes willingly surrenders to the police, leaving his wife Jeanne behind as the film ends] Servo: So, uh... all this happened because Johnny got lost in the fair? The Human Duplicators [The title screen displays the title backwards...] Crow: Eht Numah Srotacilpud! [...then "duplicates" it normally.] Crow: ...Oh. Gale: So say something! Crow [as Martin]: "Something!" Martin: "Something." Crow: D'oh! ...Got riffback on that one. [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] Joel: Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! Servo: Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. Crow: Oh, don't hit me. [Welles (played by Hugh Beaumont) answers his phone.] Welles: Welles here. Crow [as Welles/Ward Cleaver]: The boys did what? They duplicated Lumpy? [Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.] Crow [as Welles]: There's somethin' plastic about that guy... [Kolos, played by Richard Kiel, "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.] Servo [as Kolos]: I'm huge. [The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.] Servo [as the Professor, quickly]: Oh my God, you're huge. Monster a Go-Go Circus on Ice (short) [The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen] Joel: You got your circus on my ice! Crow: Hey, you got your ice on my circus! Servo: Two bad things that go worse together! [Referencing a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups ad campaign.] Servo: [in response to a clown on screen] Woah, seen him in my nightmares... [Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.] Servo: [singing] These two girls, they make quite a pair. They both come from your worst night-mare. They will haunt your soul forever, And now, When you see pink, You're gonna think, "We're doomed". They are agents of Satan... Joel: [laughing] Okay, stop it, Tom... [A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.] Servo: We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here. Crow [as Narrator]: Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice! . . . Narrator: And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts! Servo: [nervously chuckling] Uh-huh... . . . Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice! [A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.] Servo: Prelude to the afternoon of a murder. . . . Crow [as Child]: Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... [gulps] I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home! Servo [as Mother]: Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun! . . . Joel: Oh, and she skates over her own intestines. [The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.] Narrator: And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness... Crow [as Narrator]: ...and kills them. Monster a Go-Go (movie) [Over the film's title] Servo: Monster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home! . . . Joel: You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one. Crow: Oh, it might not be too bad... Servo: No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it. Joel: Yeah... Crow: [sighs indignantly] C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits! Joel: No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad. Crow: Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate. Servo: It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here. Joel: Yeah, we might as well face up to it... Crow: Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but... [The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.] Joel: [reading] The Other Th? [The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.] Crow: [enthusiastically] Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... [deflating] This is gonna suck. Servo:  [as Dr. Logan] I'm gonna snoop in a sock drawer. Heh-heh. [More boring filler as Dr. Logan examines the equipment. Joel and the bots doze off; Servo rests his head on Joel's shoulder, then Joel slumps left, leaving Servo snuggled in the crook of Joel's neck. Crow tilts to the right in his seat] Narrator: Dr. Logan did know where the giant was. [the three are startled awake and exclaim] In a store room in that very building. Logan had learned that massive doses of the antidote brought about an almost human appearance. Crow: [as Dr. Logan] I did not. Quit lying! [A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.] Servo: Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum. [Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught] Joel [as Dr. Logan]: That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead. [Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks] Dr. Brent: Why didn't you tell us then? Dr. Logan: I don't know. I was trying to help. Servo: [whining] I was just trying to help. Dr. Brent: Help? You've jeopardized this whole project! Dr. Logan: What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours! Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I'm only a scientist! [The monster walks towards a group of sunbathing women] Servo: [as the monster] Hi I'm from the boy's camp across the lake, our backup generator exploded. [Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off] Joel: [in disbelief] Unbelievable... [Servo bursts out into laughter] Dr. Logan: Hello? [A pause] Yes? Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I made that phone noise. [In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.] Crow [as Col. Connors]: [makes a fart noise] What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me! Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics... Servo: "Oops". Narrator: ..."radiation". Servo: Oh. [the ending of the film as the monster seemingly vanishes without a trace] Narrator: As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked; as if some phantom force in the universe made a move eons beyond our comprehension... Servo: As if we care. The Day the Earth Froze [Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.] Joel: We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us. Crow, where are those nice pants I bought you? Crow: I don't know. Crow: You can't walk around wearing a sports coat without your nice pants! Gypsy: Hey, the light meter, Joel! [Joel realizes too late and the photo doesn't turn out well right as he reaches for it.] Joel: Well to be honest, everybody, we don't know what a Sampo is. Crow: Not a clue. Servo: If you know what a Sampo is, write it on a piece of paper, throw it away and then try not to think about it. You'll be glad you did. All: Sampo! [On the SOL bridge, Gypsy takes the stage wearing a coat] Magic Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting in her one woman show: Gypsy! Joel: Here we go! Crow: Ssshh! Gypsy: [singing] There’s a big frontier out there called life, I ain’t nobody’s daughter, I ain’t nobody’s wife, I’m gonna stake my very own claim of land, And you’re gonna wanna know who I am… I’m Gypsy! Gypsy Rose Me! Gypsy Rose, not you! Not you! Or you! Gypsy Rose… Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! [Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud] Gypsy: Thank you! Oh, thank you very much. You know, we're all traveling; You, me, that little gold guy over there. We're traveling on the big trip of life, and sometimes it turns out we haven't packed the right clothes for our personal journey. :[Gypsy takes off her coat, revealing a pink outfit underneath] "I've been struggling to make ends meet. The social worker stops by today, but we'll get by, somehow..." Thank you. [Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud again. Gypsy takes off her pink dress, revealing a golden sparkling outfit.] Gypsy: "I'm sick of fighting with you, boyfriend! But I'm not going to walk out that door; No sir, I'm going to run out that door!" Thank you, Thank you. [Everyone applauds.] Gypsy: Hey, is my act interfering with your conversation, buddy? [Crow, Joel and Tom laugh heartily] You get three guys together, huh? What, some sort of love connection screwup? [Crow, Joel and Tom laugh again] Joel & Servo: Yay! Gypsy: Oh, thank you, thank you. What a night, everybody! But before I go, I want to tell you a little story; A story about a gal who ran the higher functions of a little satellite in a synchronous orbit, A gal that everyone thought was perhaps, a little slow, a little naïve, a little... simple. But let me tell you something about that gal. She has spirit, she had guts! and most of all, she had a huge heart. That gal was on her journey and when her luggage ended up on another planet, that gal picked herself up, dusted herself off and wore the same outfit 2 days in a row. That plucky little gal, is... me! Here Comes the Circus (short) [The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.] Crow: Heeere comes the Devil! Servo: It's Beezlebub the Clown! Joel: Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short? Narrator: There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals. [Shot of circus-goers outside the tent] Crow: And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all... [In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.] Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child! [The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.] Servo: Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War. Joel: Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band? Servo: Oops. Crow: Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns! Whoo! Servo: Yes, children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't begin to understand! Crow: Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Joel: Okay guys, you're too dark. Would you lighten up? Servo: How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan. Joel: That's better. Crow: It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons. Servo: Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra. [Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.] Joel: Hey, it's Emmett Kelly. Servo: That's good. Joel: No, it really is. Servo: Whatever, Joel. [As Crow hums to the music, a clown with a police outfit and fake beard appears up close to the screen and salutes, causing Joel and the Bots to get startled and yelp. As the narrator is herd speaking inaudibly, another clown with short hair and wearing a hat turn to the camera with a grin; Joel and the bots scream in horror.] Crow: It's Liza! [A bald clown appears up close to the camera as Joel and the bots clamor in terror from the sight of him.] Servo: HELLRAISER!! NO!!! [The narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich] Joel: See? Emmett changed management soon after this. [Shot of the crowd cheering] Crow [as crowd]: We love it when he eats! [As a trapeze artist swings] Joel: It's a living! Crow: Mother, please come home! Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways! Joel: Oh, stop it! Servo: She does! Look! Joel: Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right. Crow: This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area. [Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up] Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]: Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking! Crow: Women who love too much and the feet that use them. Servo: This one's on the rebound. [Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.] Crow: The act was outlawed on several continents! Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat! . . . Crow: Flipped her off. Narrator: The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy! Servo: ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act. Servo: Store this image away for a later nightmare. [The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.] Joel [as Old Man]: I invented that move. Crow [as Kid]: Yeah, right. Joel: Levi's loose fitting clown jeans. [Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.] Servo: [as Crow gasps] Huh? Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it clown-style! No! [One clown spanks, sweeps and smacks the other's behind with a hand broom.] Crow: Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative! Joel: Oh, please tell me this isn't happening... Oh, no... [They continue to complain and mumble "no" repeatedly as one clown hits the other's behind with their foot and then with a mallet.] Crow [as Clown]: More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha ha! Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus. Crow: High above the crowd, Dag Hammarskjöld takes to the trapeze! [Shot of a horse trainer and a horse] Joel [as Narrator]: Hank Kimball's brought in. Crow [as Hank Kimball]: Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a... [A clown rings a bell.] Servo: Hey, C. Everett Kook! [We cut to two clowns slapfighting.] Narrator: Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history! Crow: Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted. Servo [as clown]: Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo! Joel: This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen. Servo: You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play. Joel: Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?! Crow [as Richard Burton]: Don't talk about our clown, Martha. [Cut to the next act, a lion tamer] Crow: KITTIES! [As trapeze artists fly through the air] Joel: I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right? . . . Joel [as trapeze artist]: Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today! Servo: Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing... Crow [as trapeze artist]: Party in Susan's dressing room! Joel [as trapeze artist]: A rogue elephant snaps its tether and kills a coolie. Servo: NOW who's getting dark? Hehe, I like it. [Over the "The End" card] Joel: Ah, my favorite part of the circus. The Day the Earth Froze (movie) [As the statues of Elias Lönnrot and Impi start to come to life, Joel and the bots yelp as they get startled.] Narrator: Long ago, Joel: ...they're Gollum. [Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.] Servo [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent] If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia... Crow [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent] I vish they all could be Norvegian girls... [Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.] Louhi, the witch: Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again. Crow: Can we see the other parts? Servo: Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious! [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! Servo [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.] Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul! Crow [as Bullwinkle]: Will somebody please put me out? I seem to be on fire. [Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.] Louhi: Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo? Joel: Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order... [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] Servo [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? Crow [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. Joel [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! [The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.] Joel: What is this, "Stalag 17: The Musical?" Bride of the Monster Hired! Part 1 (short) [The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"] Joel: Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography? Crow: Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration. Servo: Yeah, the sequel is Hired 2: Laid Off. [After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren looks at Jimmy's sales file with concern.] Servo [as Warren]: Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho. Joel [as Warren]: Hmm? What in the world? Assault with a deadly weapon?! Crow [as Warren]: AKA "The Pantsless Salesman" or "The Piddling Peddler"?! Joel [as Warren]: What? He got a D in trigonometry? Servo [as Warren]: But he is a Pieces with a moon in Aries. Crow [as Warren]: I'd fire him if he weren't my son. [Mr. Warren does a quick glance at the sales record board, then puts down the file and stands up.] Joel [as Warren]: Are you there, Lord? Servo [as Warren]: Hello, wall. Crow [as Warren]: Well, there's a blue steak and a pitcher of martinis with my name on it. [Mr. Warren looks at the board again, which shows that most salesmen have sold only a few cars during the month.] Servo [as Warren]: That's nearly impossible. No one under my employ has ever sold a car! Joel: Well, I guess no one wins a Mathis album. Crow [as Warren]: If I could read, I'd know what the problem is. Servo [as Warren]: Oh, here's the problem. I forgot to carry the two! [Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are performing "Hired! The Musical"]' Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [[in a whisper] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. Joel: [singing] I'm hired Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. Joel: [singing] I hope I don't get fired. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. Joel: [singing] In forty years I'll be retired. But for now, I'm simply hired. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. Joel: [singing] I got a job today. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. Joel: [singing] I'm selling Chevrolets. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. Joel: [singing] I'm bringing home good pay. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. Joel: [singing] I just got hired Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He got a job today. Joel: [singing] Yeah, me! Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's selling Chevrolets. Joel: [singing] We're gonna get awnings. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's bringing home good pay. Joel: [singing] I'm hired Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] Maybe even dessert Joel: [singing at same time with bots next line] I'm hired! Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He just got hired! HIRED! Joel : [singing] I was wondering if you’d like to see my- Gypsy: No! Joel : [singing] But I really think you should see my- Servo: No! Joel : [singing] It’s got a lovely- Gypsy: No! Joel : [singing] And if only you would- Crow: No! Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] Can’t you see we’re trying to tell you no!! Gypsy: [singing] Come on and have some lemonade! Bride of the Monster (movie) [Lobo (Tor Johnson) scares away two hunters during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]Crow: Tor! Close your mouth before you drown! Hunter: [as he's strapped to an operating table] What are you doing to me?.. Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]: you're gonna be Myra Breckinridge. Dr. Vornoff: You will soon be as big as giant, Crow: But it's not covered by his insurance. Dr. Vornoff: with the strength of twenty men, Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]: Give or take a few. Dr. Vornoff: Or-- Servo [ as Dr.Vornoff]: --Not. Dr. Vornoff: Like all the others; dead. [As Dr. Vornoff turns the machine on, the Hunter screams in agony] Crow [ as Dr.Vornoff]: Oops! [As the hunter goes limp and dies, Dr. Vornoff quickly turns off the machine] Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]: Well, so much for the giant theory. Janet: [As Lobo knocks Dick Craig unconscious.] DICK! Crow: [as Janet] Uh, no, Duck! Damn, I said that wrong.[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]Crow: Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts![As the mutated Dr. Vornoff fatally electrocutes Lobo by shoving him into a control panel, Janet screams as Vornoff grabs her and takes her away] Crow: You are my wife! Servo: [high-pitched voice] Goodbye, City Life![Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster get struck with lightning and go up in a nuclear blast. Janet and Dick watch in horror and dismay.]Joel : Well, calamari, anybody? Servo: That was one unstable octopus. Joel [as Capt. Robbins]: Uh, I've had enough of this, Bob. I have a bird to get home to, excuse me. Servo [as Capt. Robbins]: Wait, how did he do that? Capt. Robbins: [solemnly] He tampered in God's domain. Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.[the credits get shown]Servo: Loser. Joel: Mhm. Servo: Loser. Crow: Yeah. Servo: Loser. [Joel and Crow laugh] Harvey B. Loser. George Bec-loser. Paul Loser Marco. Don "The Big Loser" Nagel. Bud Big Ol' Loser Osborne. John Wanky Loser Warren. Ann- for crying out loud... [they get up to leave]Crow: But the drunk was good. Ben Frommer? Servo: The drunk was real good. Crow: Oh, yeah! Manos: The Hands of Fate Dr. Forrester: [introducing the movie] Dig this, mes amis: your "average Joe" has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average person" on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you: "Manos": The Hands of Fate, served with a short: the stirring conclusion to Hired!.[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]Joel, Servo, Crow: Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny! Hired! Part 2 (short) [The short begins]Crow: Previously on "Hired!"[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]Joel [as Warren]: We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night! Mr. Warren: Sales are the most important thing in this business. Servo [as Warren]: Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all. Mr. Warren: We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales. Joel [as Warren]: But first — martinis! Mr. Warren: Jimmy, I want to talk with you first. Crow [as Warren]: 'Cause you've got the most problems.[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]Mr. Warren: I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls. Jimmy: Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together. Crow [as Jimmy]: Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that? Warren: [instructing his employees of what his old collegaues Harry had him do] I remember one of the first things Harry drilled into me- Crow: [as Warren] -was Harry! [Joel scoffs at Crow][While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]Joel: Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter![Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]Joel [as Senator McCarthy ]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner? Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie) Servo: So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right? Joel: No, actually, it's more like a minute. Servo: [stunned] ...No.[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]Servo: I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking. Michael: Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago. Crow: Maybe it's Brigadoon. Joel: You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]Joel: Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo. Crow: Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo? . . . Servo: Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop.[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]Joel [as Michael]: Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids![Debbie walks around with the Master's dog]Crow [as Debbie]: It's a devil and it's fun! Servo [as Debbie]: His name is Mephisto! Can we keep him?[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]Crow [as The Master]: What was I thinking? Joel [as Announcer]: Women who lunch. Servo [as Announcer]: And the Manos who love them — next Donahue. . . . Joel: You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos. Servo: ...and now, back to We Married Manos![The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]Crow: Well, the talks broke down at this point. Servo: Looks like the Russian Parliament. Joel [as Announcer]: Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling! Crow: Designing Women, the lost episodes. Servo [as Prof. Canning]: And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor. Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches. Crow: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants! . . . Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata! . . . Joel:You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears. . . . Crow: It's the Wilson Phillips breakup. . . . Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made. The Master: Silence! Joel: Is golden! The Master: Silence!Joel: Is golden![The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]Joel: [snapping] DO SOMETHING!!! God![The Master points towards someting off-screen]Servo: [dramatically] Pull my finger! Servo: Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the Copacabana, Jules Bedel proudly presents: Pat Benatar and Tricia Nixon![As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]Servo: [singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo… Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: Come here. Joel: The new Pope has not been chosen.[The Master spreads his arms, revealing the hands on his cape.]Crow: I wish those hands would just push him over![During a driving scene]Joel: Meanwhile, in Toledo... Servo: No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself? . . . Crow: This must be a weekly series.[As the end credits roll...]Crow: Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew! Joel: Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch. Servo: Where to start? Servo: If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas.[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]Crow: The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer! Joel: No. Always wonder.[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]Servo: COME ON![The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]Servo: Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here! Joel: We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.[They leave the theater.][The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]Frank: Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm![Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]Torgo: They always do that! Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World Nastasia: Do you want survival? Joel [as Sally Struthers]: Sure, we all do![A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]Crow [as henchman]: Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that!["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]Joel, Crow, Servo: Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon![The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]Crow: She's got a Lady Hemingway! Combining the names of the Lady Remington electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway, who shot himself in the head.[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]Joel: John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john. Hercules [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]Joel: Attack of the Mary Martins! One of actress Mary Martin's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan.[Hercules is choking a lion.]Joel [as lion]: Aww, Herc, I was kidding.[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]Joel [as a cavalry man]: Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD![A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through]Crow: There will be patches of scattered god today. Swamp Diamonds What to Do on a Date (short) [The titles appear.]Crow: I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha![A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]Servo: What, she has a Ph.D. in dating? Joel: Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex! Nick: Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you? Joel [as Kay]: How many ways can I say "no"?! Kay: Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much. Crow [as Kay]: Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave? . . . Nick: I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date. Joel [as Nick]: … with a loser like me. Nick: Where's my racket? Servo [as Nick]: I should spank myself.[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]Joel: Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow. Narrator: How does Jeff get ideas like that? Servo [as Narrator]: From the voices inside his head.[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]Narrator: Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas! Joel: The lunch menu?[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]Servo: Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too. Joel: Ice cream? I love this party! Crow [as Narrator]: Had this been an actual date, you would have been instructed where to go. Swamp Diamonds (movie) [During one of the many, many girl fights.]Crow: Beverly Garland's bra! I have seen the Promised Land! Secret Agent Super Dragon [opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]Crow: [excited] Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He smokes, carries a gun, and... [deflating] makes a lot of... phone calls... The Magic Voyage of Sinbad [Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]Crow [as someone in the crowd]: Howard Johnson is right![Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]Joel: It's noon and he's still filibustering![Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]Crow: They're test-marketing Crystal Pepsi.[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]Crow: They look like the Knights Who Say "Ni!" Gypsy: It seems as if everybody who's anybody is here tonight. Crow: That's because they knew you'd be wearing that dress. Wow. Gypsy: [laughing a little too hard] We were wondering... what would you do if Sinbad came to your town? [laughs again] Wouldn't you want the city council to do something about it? Let's watch. Gypsy: That wasn't Sinbad. Servo: WHO ARE YOU!?!? Eegah! [Roxy walks up to her little car.]Crow [as Roxy]: Taxi! ...Oh, I drove. . . . Servo: Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse.[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely Arch Hall, Jr., looks up.]Crow: Honk if you love Eegah! Tommy: Hi, Roxie! Joel [as Tommy]: Sorry about my face!![The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]Joel: Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks. Servo: He's wearing corrective everything![Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]Tommy: Roxie! It's me, Tom! Joel [as Roxie]: That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!![In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Dr. Miller: [ dubbed voiceover ] Watch out for snakes! Servo: Who said that?![Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]Joel: Man, it looks like it hurts to be him. Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]: Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]Joel: I figured it out, he looks like the bat from FernGully.[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]Roxie: Um... how do you do? Crow [as corpse]: I'm really, really dead.[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]Joel: Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle![Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]Joel: Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel. Crow: That purse will be the death of him![Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]Crow [as Eegah]: [singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy... Crow and Servo: [in unison] EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH! Joel: [singing] I can't stop this feelin'...[Over a shot of a dress store]: Crow: It's Frederick's of Maplewood. Joel [as Announcer]: The Loretta Young Show![Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]: Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! [chuckles] Why not stick around and watch Dream On? It's the breast show on TV! [to Joel] Kill me. I Accuse My Parents [Servo has Crow cover him in skin-color paint to fufill his desire to be a "real boy"]Servo: The human body in all its many shapes and sizes is a wonder to behold! Today I emerge from my metal chrysalis... I am no longer Tom Servo- mere robot; I am now Tom Servo- real live boy! Ah-ha! Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails, that's what Tommy boy's made of! Joel: Really, huh? I knew this was gonna happen someday- you've come down with Pinocchio Syndrome! Servo: Nonsense! It has always been my dream to be a real live boy; and now, I am that very thing. Joel: Why? There's millions of real live boys on Earth; [but] there's only one Tom Servo! Servo: I want to run and jump and skin my knees! Crow: You don't have any legs. Servo: I- I wanna catch frogs down by the ol' swimming hole. Crow: Your arms don't even work. Servo: [starting to become forlorn] I want to experience the world of emotions and feelings! Crow: [bluntly] You'll get beat up, because you're a freak. Servo: [sorrowfully, as Joel comforts him] Oh; now I know I'm a real life boy- I can feel my heart breaking.[Joel presents his Invention Exchange piece- the Junk Drawer Organizer, making a place for all the assorted bits and rubbish that fill up the junk drawer]Crow: How many times have you been rummaging through wondering to yourself "Where did I put that gun?". Well, now there's a place for it![Frank absent-mindedly baked a Chippendales dancer into the Mads' latest experiment "Cake n' Shake"; the dancer's (still alive) hand poking out of the half-disassembled cake]TV's Frank: Oh, hey! Dr. Forrester: The Jaws of Life, Frank! Get the Jaws of Life! TV's Frank: [offers the dancer his slice of cake] Cake? . . . Crow: [watching the scene unfold back on the Satellite] ...Oh, it's beefcake! . . .[after finally digging the dancer free at the end of the episode]Dr. Forrester: Sorry we missed you, Joel. We almost came this close to losing- Dancer: Rodney. Dr. Forrester: Right! Almost lost Rodney. I apologize for all of this; I'd like to make it worth your while. [offers him tip money, while Rodney starts a strip-tease dance] No thank you, it's fine. You've done enough. Joel: Okay, so, is everybody done with their art-therapy project? Gypsy: Mm-hmm. Tom Servo: Joel, what's the point of this art-therapy stuff, anyway, huh? Joel: Well, by having you draw pictures of your idealized family, maybe you can escape some of the deep psychological problems that Jimmy, the star of today's movie, suffered because of his family. So let's see what you've drawn, okay? This is Crow's... .[Crow's drawing is a giant version of himself with a handlebar mustache, knives for hands, and lasers firing from his chest, walking down a city street crushing buildings]Servo: Huh. Crow: That's my dad. He's all-powerful! His hands are made of stainless steel and he has lasers that shoot out of his chest. Pyeww! Pyeww! Gypsy: Ooh! Crow : I don't have to tell ya, he's the coolest dad in the whole neighborhood. And when we go to father-son picnics, we win every event. And he dispenses homespun wisdom and teaches solid Midwestern values while crushing all who block his path! Gypsy: Ahh... . Joel: Uh huh. And what about the handlebar mustache? Crow: Uh... .I dunno. Joel: Okay, let's see here. [writes] "Oral obsession with mustache indicates nasal-labial shame." Good, okay. Now let's see yours here, Tom. What's this?[Tom's drawing is two women holding hands, with a big robot standing behind them]Servo: Okeydoke! Uh, that's my mom, my dad and my mom. My mom is Hayley Mills, my dad is Gigantor and my mom is Peggy Cass. Joel: Uh huh. And why are your moms holding hands, Tom? Servo: I dunno. Joel: Okay, let's see... . [writes] "Latent "Parent Trap" syndrome." [aside whisper] Man should be in a straitjacket! [addresses Gypsy] Okay, Gypsy, this one's really nice, what about this one?[Gypsy's is of her, Crow, Joel, Tom and Cambot--holding hands, with Richard Basehart looking down on them from a cloud overhead]Gypsy: Well, Joel, my ideal family is right here! And I know Richard Basehart watches over us all.Joel: Oh, that's really sweet, Gypsy. But tell me, why does Richard Basehart get to play God?Gypsy: I dunno.Crow: Uh, Joel? Why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots?Joel: Um... .I don't know. [Short but awkward silence]Joel: I'm kidding, of course. [Commercial sign]Joel: We'll be right back. I do know! I really do know.Servo: [sing-song, about Jimmy's whole decision process in the movie] Jim's crazy-Crow: And stupid.Servo: -crazy for accusing his par~ents!Gypsy: Oh well, We'll have to take it from the top. The Truck Farmer (short) [Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]Joel: Easter Bunny films presents...Servo: "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.Crow: Wonder if they sold this film door to door?Narrator: Most of us think that these people were really free...Joel [as Narrator]: But they were just stupid! [A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]Crow: Aah! It's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!Servo: Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares?Crow [as driver]: Stupid trees! God, I hate them.Joel: Early tractor pulls, not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition.Crow: Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes.Servo: The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks!Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to the Speed Racer theme] Go, Speed Farmer! Go, Speed Farmer! Go, Speed Farmer, go! . . .Servo: There's something you don't see every day.Joel: What's that?Servo: A farmer with all his limbs! [The gang is quacking along with the background music.]Servo: Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin. [Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]Narrator: A complicated system of irrigation is used.Joel: Oh, real complicated.Narrator: Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.Crow: They make it sound so nice! . . . [A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]Joel [as Narrator]: A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.Narrator: The carrots are washed first.Crow [as Narrator]: They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!Narrator: Some carrots are frozen.Crow: Some carrots are humiliated publicly.Narrator: Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem...Crow: Texans. [Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]Narrator: The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.Crow [as Narrator]: Later, this device is used to beat back the workers. [Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]Joel: Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet? I Accuse My Parents (movie) [During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corporation) logo...]Servo: Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents... [As the title appears]Crow: The John Bradshaw story! [During the title sequence]Servo: [singing] They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I killed them... let's see if they'll be laughing now... [During Jimmy's trial...]Jimmy: Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...Joel [as Jimmy]: ...but I'm Esther Rolle!Jimmy: But... I accuse my parents! [Everyone applauds.]Servo: Yes! We have a title! ...Well, that was a short movie!Joel: [as adult-looking teenager Jimmy walking home from school after winning the essay contest] Oh boy, oh boy, I won; after eleven years in high school, I finally won- something!Joel, Crow, Servo: [recurring, whenever Jimmy makes an big lie] Liar! Liar! Liar!Kitty: [singing] Are you happy...Crow: Define "happy!"Kitty: ...In your work...Joel: Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday... [Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]Kitty: You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week.Servo [as Jimmy]: Eighteen, after taxes! [The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]Servo [as Kitty]: If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!Crow: I accuse her hair! [Kitty singing another song, while internally still thinking about Jimmy]Kitty: Why did you leave me?Joel: You told him to!Kitty: Please, hear my plea-Servo: Not guilty!Kitty: -Where can you be?Crow: The audience is frankly stunned. [Jimmy is found not guilty of murdering crime boss Blake after explaining the whole story in court, but instead sentenced to probation under his family's care for his complecancy in Blake's string of robberies]Joel: [as Jimmy] Thank God I'm white! Operation Double 007 [During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of Neil Connery...]Joel: [singing] He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!Crow: [singing] He prefers stuffing to potatoes!Servo: [singing] His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch! [Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]Joel: All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple. [on the S.O.L. bridge, Joel dresses like a Bond villain, as the Bots dress as his henchmen]Joel: Alright, it's time for my daily back rub; who's going to do the honors?Servo: Joel, none of us having working arms.Joel: I know. [After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]Mr. Thayer: Everything will go on, as if nothing happened.Joel: Nothing has happened... The Girl in Lovers Lane [Singing to the opening credits theme]Servo: The Girl in Lover's Lane...Crow: With Jack Elam, not Jack LaLanne! [the camera view pans directly in front of an oncoming train]Crow: Uh, Camera 3, get off the track. Camera 3, oh dear God- [the train zooms forward while Joel and the bots scream in shock, and it smash cuts to commercial break] [Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]Danny: I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.Bix: That's a good idea.Servo [as Bix]: You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you. [The two enter a diner.]Joel [as Danny]: We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat?Crow [as Bix]: Shut up, Danny.Joel [as Danny]: Oh. [On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]Crow T. Robot: [singing] The 5:15 from Duluth, Oh my! It just derailed! The toxic waste is spillin', The conductor's been impaled. A benzene cloud has risen And the whole town's startin' to cough.Joel, Servo: [to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]Crow: [singing] Within a matter of day-eeez, All of our skin will fall off. [Bix heads off to the local brothel to collect Danny after he got seduced by co-worker Pete's girlfriend (who works at said brothel), when he comes across a young woman bathing who starts to hit on him]Bathing Woman: [to Bix] Are you in the right room now?Servo: [as Bix] Oh, I've never been in a righter room in my life!Crow: [as Bix] If this room is wrong, I don't wanna be right! [Carrie's delivery man/stalker Jesse is unnerving her at the diner, and Bix decides to confront him]Jesse: I want the girl (Carrie).Bix: I told you, she's busy.Crow: [as Jesse] Well, can you put on a dress and say "May I help you?" [On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]Crow: To live like the E-lam... [Carrie lets out a loud scream as she dies in Bix's arms, alarming a young couple in the park]Crow: Oh; Edvard Munch was here!Woman: What was that?Servo: [as man] I don't know- I just arrived in this film. . . . [the man in the couple runs back to the car after seeing Bix holding the dead Carrie close]Crow: [as man] We drove onto a movie set; let's get out of here. [Bix tries to convince a mob led by the distraught father of Carrie that he didn't actually kill the girl]Bix: I wouldn't hurt her; I loved her!Carrie's Father: You loved her?! [throws a punch to Bix's jaw]Servo: [as Carrie's Father] That's great!Carrie's Father: She tied you down; that's what you said- I heard you myself!Joel: [sarcastically] Carrie's dad really shines in a crisis. [Crow and Servo pitch an alternate ending to the film, which starts veering into a whole new direction]Crow: Then... there are pygmies! They live in a vast Pgymy kingdom. . . .Servo: See, the pygmies get a bus; and they drive all the way out to Hollywood!Crow: [aside to Servo] (To) Florida (actually).Servo: ...Florida! And then they head for the stars. Then you learn some kind of lesson, then you go home.Crow: Now that's a better ending! The Painted Hills Body Care and Grooming (short) [The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]Joel: Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?Servo [as TV announcer]: Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops. [The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]Narrator: Ah, spring!Crow [as Narrator]: Filthy, shameful spring! . . .Joel: You know, people were whiter back then.Narrator: When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...Crow: Underpants.Narrator: ...Love.Crow: Oh. [Shot of slovenly girl.]Narrator: Look at that hair!Crow: [defensively] I like her hair!Narrator: And that blouse!Crow: [lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking! ... [Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!Joel: [bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you! . . . [The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...Servo [as Narrator]: Those... n-nose. . . .Crow: We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it! [formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]Crow [as young man]: Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else! [The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]Narrator: Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes—Servo [as the Narrator]: Is immoral.Narrator: —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.Crow: Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.Narrator: Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.Crow: Skin sucks.Narrator: One of these is cleansing cream.Servo [as Narrator]: One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely. [The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]Narrator: And so... the end of a perfect day.Joel [as Narrator]: An entire day spent grooming. . . .Narrator: And you...Joel [as Narrator]: Jezebel!Narrator: ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.Crow [as Narrator]: And remember—when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight. [As we fade out...]Joel: KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!Crow: You're next! [A few more names appear]Servo: [sarcastically] Oh, let's not forget these guys!Gypsy: Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow.Crow: I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You.Gypsy: Tom Servo,Servo: Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you,Gypsy: And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict.Joel: Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right.Crow: Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right!Servo: Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue.Joel: Well, how's that?Servo: A spitting contest! :[Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy]Gypsy: Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey! The Painted Hills (movie) [Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]Joel: Yeah, I'm afraid we're gonna be true bored men after this...Crow: Now, is this the real Old West, or the Roy Rogers Old West where they had electricity and cars?Jonathan: Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked!Crow [as Jonathan]: But enough vernacular...Taylor: Never mind the dog, Tommy...Servo [as Taylor]: Here's the Sex Pistols. [In response to a corral that suddenly appears]Servo: How did that corral get there?Crow: They used CorelDraw. [Over a scenic shot of a mountain]Crow: Mount Rushmore!...Before it was built. [After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]Joel [as Taylor]: Well, looks like the montage finally blew over. [Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]Crow: So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.Crow [as Shep]: SNAUSAGES! Gunslinger Dr. Forrester: [Stopping his scan of TV's Frank's brain and looking at the camera] Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars Beverly Garland in her pre-Dotty period.TV's Frank: Beverly Garland. [growls, but is cut off by another scan]Dr. Forrester: And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. [turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly] Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama. [The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]Joel: [As the criminals start moving] Ah, cue the horses!Crow: [Under his breath] Corman...Servo: [As the criminals stop] Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us? [In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]Joel: You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.Servo: Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.Joel: Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it. [Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]Crow: Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!Cain: Crazy coming up in here...Joel [as Cain]: ...in my hallway here.Cain: Only the good die young.Servo: Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns. [Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]Joel [as Polk]: Draw, er... wait a sec! [Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork]Crow: [As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of Green Acres] Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!Servo: Doo-doo, do-do-do! [scene switches to Cain aiming his gun] ...the hell? [A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]Cain: [drunkenly] You got brown eyes...Servo [as Cain]: [drunkenly] An' you got a neck. . . .Servo [as Cain]: Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers! Mitchell [The character of Mike Nelson has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in Deep 13.]Dr. Forrester: Here it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don BakerMike Nelson: You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?Dr. Forrester: Well, here it comes, Joel — Mitchell! It's a… super secret spy… uh, has a motorcycle… marooned in space… meets… Hercules… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole! [The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a disco beat.]Servo [as Isaac Hayes]: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?Joel, Crow: Mitchell!Servo [as Hayes]: That Mitchell is one fat s—Joel, Crow: Shut yo' mouth!Servo [as Hayes]: I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell! [The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]Servo: Ee-gah...Crow: Shtemlo.Joel: Watch out for snakes!Servo [as Announcer]: We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture...Crow [as Announcer]: Mitchell, will you stand up, please? [Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]Benton: No salesmen at this entrance.Servo [as Mitchell]: But I'm not a salesman! I'm the Chubby Blue Line! [At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]Crow: Daryl Gates on his day off.Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: He's landed just short of the green.Servo [as Other Golfers]: Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here! [In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]Joel: Baby oil!Joel, Crow, Servo: BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!Servo: [vomiting noises]Crow: Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel? [In the soundtrack, Hoyt Axton continues to sing the theme song.]Axton: My my my my Mitchell...Crow: My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!Kid: My mother doesn't like youMitchell: 'Well, I don't like your mother.Kid: Why not?Mitchell: Why not?Kid': No, why not?Mitchell: No, why not?Kid: Why are you repeating what I say?Servo: Tonight on Crossfire.Mitchell: Why are you repeating what I say?Kid: I'm not!Mitchell: Well I'm not!Kid: You are!Mitchell: Buzz off!Kid: What?Mitchell: What?Kid: What did you say?Mitchell: What'd you say?Kid: Did you say something?Servo: [losing it] AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!Deaney: How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell?Crow [as Mitchell]: Uh, by the quart. [Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]Hoyt Axton: [singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?Crow: She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!" [Mitchell spends several minutes silently committing some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]Servo [as Mitchell]: Why did I do that? [Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]Joel [as Mitchell]: Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos! The Brain That Wouldn't Die [In the operating room...]Bill's Father: I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.Servo [as Bill's Father]: 'Cuz he got me as his doctor. . . . [An air bag is being filled up and blown out with air to manipulate the dead patient's body functions, including the respiratory system, by stimulating the brain. Breathing can be heard.]Michael Nelson [as Darth Vader]: Luke, join me or star in Corvette Summer![Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]Bill: You have the keys to your car? [Cut to them driving.]Crow: The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.Servo [as announcer]: The Long, Long Trailer! [Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]Mike: Hey, that was my prom theme!Servo [as Cortner]: Stop sign, what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve? [We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]Crow [as Cortner]: Aughhh! The road is attacking me! [Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] D-Don't forget my purse! Honey? . . .Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy? . . . [Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]Mike [as Sports Announcer]: Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!Crow: He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy. [Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]Crow [with British accent]: Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much! [In the machine keeping it alive, Jan's head is wrapped in cloth resembling a wimple]Crow: They saved Sister Bertrille's brain! [In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]Mike [as Cortner]: Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.Crow [as Cortner]: [pervertedly] Saaay, this could actually be an upgrade...Servo [as Cortner]: Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy. [Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]Mike: If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's. . . .Servo [as Maître d']: Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe. . . .Mike [as Stripper]: This dance represents that there are no baked potatoes until after five. [Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]Crow: Doesn't she need lungs?Servo: No, she's got neck juice! [Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]Crow [as Jan]: Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person! [Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]Jan: Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.Servo: Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me! [Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtrack continues the porny sax music.]Servo [as Radio DJ]: [sultrily] It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads. [Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]Mike [as Announcer]: Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!Servo [as Cortner]: I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!! [Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]Mike [as Radio DJ]: Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN!Servo: [echoing, hushed] K-PORN! [The monster has broken the closet door off of its hinges and is reaching through the peephole, trying to strangle Cortner.]Joel [as Cortner]: Look... you know your business, but... if you just put the door down, you can kill me! [The monster shoves Cortner to the ground and starts shaking the door off of its arm.]Servo [as Cortner]: There, see? Now you can kill me! You can use the door! . . . [The monster bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]Servo [as Monster]: That's one nasty McNugget! Ew! Teen-Age Strangler Is This Love? (short) [Reading the title card]Servo: Is this love, or is it just rough sex with Michael Douglas? [Inside the college dorm room]Servo: So... Where's Waldo?Mike: He's under the bed. [We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]Crow: Geez! How many times was she held back?Servo: Heh heh heh.Liz: Hi, Peg! [In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]Mike [as Peg]: Hi, Mom.Peg: I think I'll send a telegram instead.Liz: Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.Mike [as Liz]: Well, I've known her for fifty years…Liz: Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.Peg: Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!Mike [as Peg]: He's anatomically correct, and everything!Peg: It's the real thing.Liz: I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.Servo [as Liz]: ...at the turn of the century. [The short is ending.]Narrator: How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?Servo: Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?Narrator: How can you tell? Is this love?Crow: You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now. [Servo imitates a clock ticking.]Mike: And, now stay tuned for the Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.Crow: No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie. [A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]Servo: "How Much Affection?"Crow: "When Should I Marry?" [Mike and the Bots continue with fake titles.]Mike: "Know Your Ointments"Servo: "What's That Down There?"Crow: "When He Wants It Rough"Mike: "Procreation, Not Recreation"Servo: "Oh No, Pleasure!"Crow: "McClintock!" Teen-Age Strangler (movie) [As a girl is strangled]Crow: Splendor in the Grass 2: Dream Warrior! The Wild Wild World of Batwoman Gypsy: Should I spit on your dice now, or not, or...? Cheating (short) [Reading the opening cards]Servo: Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.Crow: A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating! [The short opens over a large clock.]Servo [as radio announcer]: The Jack Benny Program! [The clock strikes ominously.]Mike: [deeply] Ebenezer Scrooge... [A phone rings.]Crow: For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA. [John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]Servo: Oh, the foley guy must be calling!Johnny: Why don't they call?Crow: Because they don't like you.Crow: Mother Teresa called. She hates you.Mary: The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?Crow [as John]: Aw, let's just cheat!John: x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... [Mary shakes her head] Servo [as Mary]: Nobody home, huh?John: Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...Mike [as Mary]: John, this is geography!Narrator: And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.Crow: Split it open now!Narrator: You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.Servo: On a doily.Narrator: So you decided to take a chance. [Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]Servo [as Johnny]: [loudly] Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer? [Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]Mike [as Narrator]: Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews. [Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]Servo [as Miss Grandy]: This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.Narrator: Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she looked at you?Crow: Or was it lust?Narrator: Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you. [As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]Servo [as Johnny]: Oh, hi Miss Grandy— EAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY! Narrator: And most of all, your new job as student council representative. [As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.] Crow [as Johnny]: I envision a cheating wing! [Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]Servo [as Miss Grandy]: I smell a big Commie rat.Miss Grandy: John, bring it up here, please. [Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]Crow [as loudspeaker]: PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK! [Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]Servo: Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny! . . .Crow: And so Dana Plato's career begins. Jim is tacking something to the wall as Johnny approaches.Johnny: Hey, Jim. What's that?Jim: Meetin' of the student council.Mike [as Jim]: They're hangin' you in effigy. [Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]Mike, Crow, Servo: Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!Narrator: But did John truly intend to be dishonest?Servo: Or was he just pure evil? [A question mark appears on-screen.]Crow [as the Riddler]: Riddle me this, Batman! [cackles] [Over the "The End" card]Mike: The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope!Mike: You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind.Servo: Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame?Mike: Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game?Gypsy: Which begs the question of free will. What about free will?Servo: Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself?Mike: Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow?Crow: Uh, the Beatles!Servo: You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow?Mike: Hi.. Well, as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order--Servo: GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!Gypsy: Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath.Tom: Gypsy, he stole from YOUR essay.Gypsy: Really?... FRY HIM!! FRY HIM!!! I WANT HIS FAMILY DEAD! I WANT HIS HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND!Mike: Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. The first thing that we need to do is... Hey, who's this little guy?Crow: [wearing glasses and a fake mustache and carrying a tray of cups of soup] Ah, would you like some soup?Mike: Why, yes I would! That's exactly-- [realizes it's Crow] Ah, would you knock that off, Crow! Get out of this meeting!! [Crow leaves quickly] All right, now I think we all agree that Crow needs some sort of punishment. What should it be?Servo: Well, if I may quote from my colleague Gypsy, here... FRY HIM! FRY HIM!! BURN HIM UP!! And if I may just interject one thought of my own... TEAR HIM UP!! RIP HIM APART!! BURN HIM!! And, in conclusion... Die Die Die Die Die Die!!! Any thoughts? Gypsy: So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike?Mike: Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself.Servo: [wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax] Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience.Mike: We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! [Takes the cloth off of Servo]Crow: Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start?Gypsy: Should we listen? We're shunning him.Mike: No, we should listen.Gypsy: Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting.Crow: : If it pleases the court?Mike: [hammering with a gavel] It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! [lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]Crow: : As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains.Gypsy: You know, it's really true.Crow: Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex.Gypsy: Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? [Mike hushes her up]Crow: If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have--Gypsy: [getting agitated] He copied my whole paper--Crow: ...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain.Servo: Can we just kill him now??Crow: Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy--Gypsy: HE STOLE MY FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!Servo: DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN!Crow: And I forgive myself. Thank you. [lights come up] I await your verdict.Mike: Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology.Crow: Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.Mike: The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! [Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.[The 'Bots cheer.]Servo: I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd neve