Back at the Barnyard/Season 2

Back at the Barnyard, otherwise known as simply Barnyard, is a Nickelodeon show that is a spin-off of the 2006 film Barnyard. The show, which debuted in 2007, includes pop culture references and parodies. Treasure Hunt [2.01] Pip: [seeing a pirate skeleton in a hole] It's the burial ground of the Village People! Otis: I can only bring one of you. It'll have to be someone with the cunning of a shark, skills of a shark, extra technical knowhow of a shark. Pig: Hey, I know pirate songs. Otis: You're in. Episode 2 Wild Mike's Dance Party [2.02a] Otis: I think you're all missing the point of the book. Clearly, the bologna forest in chapter eleventy symbolizes the eternal struggle of man vs. nature. WILD MIKE DANCE PARTY!!! [Otis turns on the boombox and uncages Wild Mike, who starts dancing.] Pig: Feet tapping! Booty shaking! Funk levels surging! Peck: Can't... resist... partying. Freddy: Must... talk... like... this! Otis: Three... Pip: Two... Otis: One. [Pig, Freddy, and Peck dance along with Wild Mike.] Abby: Bessy, what is that thing? Bessy: Wild Mike. Some mutant hairball Otis found. He lets him out whenever he wants to get a party started fast. Abby: If I don't feel like dancing, no hairy freak of nature is gonna force me to... [becomes entranced by Wild Mike's dancing] ...to... to... Bessy: You were saying? Abby: PARTY!!! Buyers Beware [2.02b] Otis: [about the sign in front of the Farmer's house] Guys, it says "Welcome Buyers". Clearly, the farmer wishes to receive units of monetary currency in exchange for a gooder item currently in his possession, in this case, the farm. [The others all talk at once in agreement.] Abby: I get it. Peck: That makes sense. Announcer: 3 seconds later... [The animals panic.] Abby: [gasps] Where are we gonna live?! Pig: That's not good! Freddy: Everybody panic! Otis: What's to become of us?! Pig: What if the new owners make us work as pack animals?! Peck: What if they eat us?! Abby: What if they make us fight each other in gladitorial combat?! Pip: Why are your plans always so quiet? Otis: [yelling really loudly] BECAUSE THIS VOLUME'S VERY ANNOYING! [Seeing Otis' disguise.] Abby: [gasps] Your lounge singer costume is terrifying! Otis: I'm not a lounge singer. Peck: Oh, are you a circus ringmaster? Freddy: Or a late-night TV mattress salesman? Pig: I got it! You're a rich dolphin trainer with a troubled past. Otis: Oh, for... I'm supposed to be a real estate agent. Others: [understanding] Oh... [Beat.] Pig: Can you train dolphins? Otis: Freddy, that was amazing! I mean, I knew about the head-popping thing, but how'd you pull off the laser eyes? Freddy: Well, I wanted my performance to be believable, so I went online and bought some real radioactive waste. [picks up a can of atomic waste and drinks it] Ahh. That's good waste! [An Ask Dr. Pig segment starts.] Pig: Hello, I'm Dr. Pig. What you just saw was a fictionalized account, intended to inspire humor. Drinking atomic waste will not give you super heat laser vision. Watch as I dispel this common myth. [he drinks some atomic waste] You see-- [Pig groans and growls as his eyes glow green. Pig bursts through the barn doors, having transformed into a giant, hulking green pig monster in purple shorts. He roars, and does a super jump across the barnyard. He sees some army helicopters overhead.] Pig: Why army always hound Pig?! Pig smash! [he throws a tractor into the air, causing the helicopters to scatter] PIG SMASH YOU ALL! [roars] [Cut back to the Ask Dr. Pig title card.] Announcer: The producers of Barnyard would like to apologize for the previous scene. Drinking atomic waste will neither give you heat laser vision, nor turn you into a hulking pig monster, as I will now demonstrate. [drinks atomic waste, then his voice gets higher in pitch] Oh, no. What's happening? I'm shrinking! Oh, why did I drink that atomic waste?! I never got to see Paris! AAAAH! [An old lady on a scooter arrives at the barnyard.] Otis: Good afternoon, old one! Let me guess, you're a buyer. Old lady: Why, yes, I am, young fella. Otis: Fantastic. Hey, have a good look around, just, whatever you do... DON'T GO IN THE BARN!!! Old lady: What are you talking about? Otis: Well, it's quite silly, really. I mean, hardly worth mentioning, but I will, anyway. You see, the barn has a teeny tiny... PORTAL TO THE UNDERWORLD!!! [The barn doors open, revealing a ghastly green glow, showing Abby, Peck, Pig, and Freddy as shadowy figures with glowing red eyes.] All: [spooky wailing] Abby: Get out... Freddy: No shoes, no service! Old lady: Oh, I'm not afraid of the underworld. Otis: Well, I don't blame you for wanting to skedaddle-- WHA?! Oh, well, um... Did I mention this place is infested with... ZOMBIES?! [Fake zombie arms controlled by the animals rise from the ground.] Animals: Old lady brains... Old lady: Oh, dear, they're more afraid of us than we are of them. [The "zombies" groan in disappointment as they sink back down.] Otis: [shakes the old lady's scooter] IS THAT AN EARTHQUAKE?! Old lady: Really gets the blood flowin'! Announcer: 4 hours later... Otis: [holding locusts in his hand] We have locusts. [The old lady picks the locusts out of Otis' hand and eats them, much to his shock and disgust.] Old lady: Them's good eatin'! Otis: Why would you eat the... [groans] That's it! [removes his wig] I'm a talking cow! Old lady: Oh, well, we're all special in our own way. Otis: [fed up] AUGH! I give up, you win! The place is yours, here, take the keys! Old lady: AAH, KEYS! My one true fear! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP! [drives away] Farmer: [crying] I can't believe no one showed up to my family reunion. The Buyer family has always been so close. Otis: Buyer family? "Welcome Buyers..." Oh, milk me, his last name is Buyer! Guys, he wasn't gonna sell the farm. Peck: You mean, we scared away his family? Pip: How were we supposed to know his last name is Buyer? [Montage start.] Mailman: Delivery for Mr. Buyer. Answering machine: You've reached the Buyer residence. Farmer: I'll get this stump out, or my name isn't Buyer, which it is. That's my name. My last name is Buyer. B-U-Y-E-R. Officer: This is the FBI, Buyer! Come out with your hands up! Farmer: You'll never take Farmer Buyer alive! [Montage end.] Otis: Yeah, we're not psychics. Episode 3 Abby and Veronica [2.03a] Peck: Otis, we all love Abby, but two of her would destroy us! Otis: Guys, we gotta meet this situation head-on. Pip: You mean hide until her cousin leaves? Otis: Exactly. To the root cellar! Anchor Cow [2.03] Hilly Burford: [after being run over by Otis' giant cheese curd] This just in, my bones are crushed! Episode 4 Bling My Barn [2.04a] Otis: Guys, I appreciate your concern, but the button is big and shiny and looks like candy, so-- All: No! Otis: Wants to press it... [The other animals try to hold Otis back, but he presses the button.] Otis: Whoops. That's a big pile of not good. [The barn explodes. Far away, Snotty Boy watches.] Snotty Boy: [points at the explosion] Ha-ha! Otis: Atom smasher go boom. Terrence: Listen, yank. No wallaby, no chum buggery loo. You got two ticks of the dillywanger, or you're up the ticklewick! Otis: You are extremely Australian. Terrence: When in the didgeridoo are those crickety-gollywhackers bobbin' up with the wicky-wiggle? Crikey, even I don't know what I'm saying! Udderado [2.04b] Otis: Whipcrack McGee's coming back at high noon to rearrange my body parts in an amusing, yet painful fashion! Pig: This sounds like a job for the unicorn wizard! Sim sala bim tangaloo! Otis: We gotta get everybody out of here before someone gets hurt, and by someone, I mean me. Episode 5 Cupig [2.05a] [Otis has found a love letter in his stall.] Peck: Who do you think sent it? Otis: I don't know. Pip: Come on, guys. Isn't it obvious? Otis: It is? Oh, who is it? Is it Hanna? Oh, that new she-goat? Pip: Oh, come on. It's someone we know really well. Otis: Bessy?! Peck: Everett! Freddy: Give us the species! Pip: It's someone we see every day. Otis: Mrs. Beady? Peck: Mr. Beady! Freddy: Wonder Lady! Pip: [frustrated] NO! IT'S ABBY! Happy Animal Fun Time [2.05b] Abby: Breaking a spit swear's the most traitorous thing one friend can do to another. Otis: But, Abby... Abby: It would make our entire friendship a lie. I would be totally crushed, and then I would have to do something VERY, VERY BAD TO YOU!!! Otis: Can't you see the herring cactus? The TP garland? The traditional lettuce leaf hats? Why, it's Happy Animal Holiday Fun Time Festival! Otis: We celebrate it every year. Abby: But I've been here for two years. Otis: Every two and a quarter years. [Otis and his team are too tired to bowl against the llamas.] Llama #1: You makin' fun of us? 'Cause WE WILL MESS YOU UP!!! Otis: Okay, can you mess up our faces after we win the trophy? Which is gonna happen right after this next awesome shot. Episode 6 Dream Birthday [2.06a] Otis: Curse the constant need to disguise the fact that we're talking animals! Farmer: Let's go to Rio, baby. I'll take you there on my flying dream motorcycle. Dr. Glove: Oh. Wait, what? [The farmer drives off with Dr. Glove.] Freddy: Flying motorcycles are the only way to travel. Pip: Freddy, the motorcycle doesn't really fly. Freddy: Oh. Well then, he's gonna die. Farmer: [wakes up] Wow. That was the best birthday dream ever. [sees roses outside his door] Huh? [reads note] "Happy Birthday, Farmer. Signed Attractive Vet Lady"! Yippee-dee-doo! [jumps for joy, but then falls on his back] Otis: Maybe next year, we just get him a tie. Abraham Lincoln: How about a gift certificate so he can get what he wants? [The animals scream upon seeing Lincoln.] Otis: [wakes up] Agh! Oh, it was just a dream. What a relief. [The farmer flies towards Otis.] Farmer: At least you didn't say, "papaya". [throws a paint balloon at Otis] Otis: Ow! I didn't say, "papaya"! [keeps getting pelted with paint balloons, screams] Pig: [wakes up] Aah! Oh, ooh-hoo. I had that Farmer's birthday, scary Lincoln, Otis being pelted by paint balloons dream again. Thank goodness everything's back to normal. [realizes he's floating in space and screams] Freddy: [wakes up] Agh! Oh, Peck, I had the Pig in space dream again. Peck: [has grown to a giant size] Aw, poor guy. Here. Have a glass of warm milk. Freddy: Oh, thanks. [notices Peck is giant] Aah! Pip: [wakes up] Agh! Aw, man. I had the Abe Lincoln, Pig in space, giant Peck dream again. Otis: [he and the others are in bed with Pip] You gotta stop eating pickles before bed. Abraham Lincoln: Could you guys keep it down? I'm trying to sleep. [claps, turning off the lights] [All the animals scream.] Lord of the Beavers [2.06b] Otis: [after crashing on his segway, sings] I got a concussion, and I don't feel good. My skull is pushing on my eyes, I'm Futuristic... [passes out] Pip: So that's it. Otis has gone beaver. Abby: He's never coming back? Peck: Who will run movie night? Freddy: Who will give us jellybeans when we're good? Pig: Who'll rub special medicine on my belly? Mrs. Beady: [in a donkey suit] Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say. [The animals turn to the "newcomer".] Abby: Uh, excuse me. Who are you? Peck: And how come your lips don't move? Freddy: Identify yourself, strange, non-lip-moving donkey! Mrs. Beady: I'm... just a talking barn animal who loves to prank the innocent. [chuckles nervously] Pip: You got a barn pass? Mrs. Beady: What?! I didn't know I needed... It must be in my other... OH, NUTS TO THIS! [removes her donkey mask] Animals: MRS. BEADY?! Mrs. Beady: That's right! You're all going down! I've recorded you all on my new MePhone! [cackles, boards Otis' segway, and rides away slowly] Peck: She's getting away at a moderate speed! Freddy: If she sends that video out, she'll expose us all! Episode 7 Fumblebums [2.07a] [At a football game.] Abby: Otis, you were right! These masks make really great disguises! Otis: They sure do, but you know what makes a disguise really work is not announcing you're wearing one. Abby: Gotcha. Pip: Otis, it's over. We've only got ten seconds. Otis: We can do this. We just gotta get our hands on that pigskin. Pig: Pigskin? What are you talking about? Abby: It's what footballs are made out of. Pig: [shocked] What?! Otis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right, Pig. That ball could be one of your relatives. Pig: [dangerously] I'll handle this. Endangered Liasons [2.07b] Peck: They can't just take our land like that! Pig: Uh, actually, they can. I've handled many cases just like this. [A commercial is shown.] Pig: Hello, I'm Barry Pigman, attorney at law. Has your property been seized by a fancy paper with writing on it? Then call the Pigman group. We'll fight to save your farm by using hurtful insults and name-calling. Why sit there and take it, when you can sue, sue, soo-EEEEEE! Announcer: Barry Pigman is not a lawyer, or a human, and has little or no legal knowledge. Results may not occur. [Back in reality.] Pig: I have a rich fantasy life. [In the farmer's house, Abby goes on a spotted ferret website on the computer.] Abby: Okay, here's a spotted ferret website. Otis: Awesome! What does it say? Abby: Let's see. It says on her wedding day, the lady spotted ferret builds a commitment den. All: Aww. Abby: Then the male gussies himself for the ceremonial courtship dance. All: Aww. Abby: Following the dance, she eats her mate's head. Otis: Uhh... Pig: Okay, what are we going to get 'em? Otis: Holy cud, she's gonna eat Freddy's head! Pig: Huh. So, I guess the hat's out. Peck: No wonder she's the only spotted ferret left! She's a head eater! Otis: Come on, we gotta find that commitment den! [He and the others leave, but Pig stays behind.] Pig: Maybe a toaster. [Otis takes Pig out of the room] [In the commitment den, Freddy, who is a fake spotted ferret, faces Inga] Freddy: [to Inga; sliding a ring on her index finger] With this ring, I pledge my love. Inga: [to Freddy; holding a bottle of barbecue sauce] With this barbecue, I pledge my love. [pours the sauce on Freddy] Freddy: I love your quaint old-world customs. So are we married yet? Inga: Almost. There's only one more part of the ceremony. [Inga sharpens her teeth, and turns to Freddy, snarling.] Otis: Freddy! Hold on to your head! [lifts up the committment den.] Freddy and Inga: AAH! Freddy: Guys, what are you doing?! The reception's not 'til later! Otis: There won't be a reception! Female spotted ferrets eat their mates' heads on their wedding night! Freddy: Look, marriage is all about compromise. You give a little, she eats your head... [Inga grabs Freddy and bites down on his head; the animals scream; muffled] It's okay! Just a little love bite. Otis: Grab him! [The animals pull on Freddy, trying to free him from Inga's mouth.] Peck: Come on! Pip: Dude, she has lockjaw. Otis: Abby, quick, the spot remover! [grunts] Now! [Abby and uses the spot remover to spray off the fake spots.] Freddy: Are we married yet? Inga: [shocked] Huh? [spits out Freddy] Freddy, you're not being a spotted ferret! You lied to me! Freddy: Inga, I can explain. Inga: [packing up] No! The wedding's off! And to think, I almost ate your head! [walks off sobbing] Freddy: Baby, don't go! I can change! Otis: Freddy, she was eating your head! Freddy: We were working through that! Pig: [walks up] Hey, where's the happy couple? We got you a panini press. [Freddy bawls hysterically as he walks away] I knew I should have gotten the fondue set. Episode 8 Little Otis [2.08a] Hilly Burford: Hey, later in the show, my mom's gonna show us how to make her delicious blueberry chili? Ain't that a punch in the taste buds? Jessica Allspice: You're a blueberry chili, Hilly! Isn't he a blueberry chili, everyone? Hilly Burford: Hey, I'm a blueberry chi-- [stops, confused] What's that supposed to mean? Otis: This chews. Where's my astonishingly lifelike clone? [A tiny version of Otis comes out.] Little Otis: Hey, people. What's happening? Where's the party? Forget I asked, the party's right here! Whoo-hoo! A-dancing, dancing, dancing, I'm dancing! [The others laugh.] Otis: Hey, that isn't me. Wha-- he's like a foot tall. [measures Little Otis] Abby: Wait. What's this? [takes the note off the crate and reads the fine print] "Clones not actual size." [The others laugh again.] Otis: [unsatisfied] Milk me. Little Otis: Let's watch some sports bloopers. Better yet, let's party in the middle of the day with no apparent reason. Dancin', dancin', no apparent reason. Otis: He's nothing like me! I completely and utterly reject him. Bessy: Look, everyone, it's Mini Moo! [The others laugh.] Little Otis: Hey, she's mean and loud. This'll shut her talkhole. [Little Otis kicks a skateboard towards Bessy. Bessy slips on the skateboard and crashes into a fence.] Otis: [elated, to Little Otis] SON! Otis: Little Otis? Hey. Where'd he go? He was just here. Pig: Who, your clone? Freddy: [holds up the Little Otis dummy] I found him! Pig: Oh, I just saw him going towards Mrs. Beady's. Otis: Mrs. Beady's? You mean, the Mrs. Beady who lives over there and is constantly trying to expose us? Pig: Uh... Yep! Otis: OH, NO!!! [After Mrs. Beady drives off with Little Otis.] Otis: Guys, don't worry. They'll never put Mrs. Beady on TV. She's a total fruitcake. [A promo for Hilly & Jess plays on Mrs. Beady's TV.] Hilly Burford: Hey, folks! Tune in tomorrow morning when local resident Nora Beady drops by with proof that her neighbor's barn animals can walk and talk. Jessica Allspice: You're a barn animal, Hilly! Isn't Hilly a barn animal? Hilly Burford: Hey, what's that even mean? I'm confused. Abby: Otis, what are we going to do? Otis: I don't know yet, but it'll probably involve costumes, split-second timing, and disguised character voices. To the costume, split-second timing, and disguised character voices hut! [Little Otis falls head over hooves over Little Abby. He escapes from Mrs. Beady's cat carrier.] Little Otis: Hot beans! [joins Little Abby at the window] Hey, beautiful. Heaven must be missing a tiny cow. [purrs] [Otis and Mrs. Beady's food fight.] Mrs. Beady: Take that! Otis: Missed me! Mrs. Beady: Oh, I didn't. Otis: Try the chips. Mrs. Beady: Oh, enjoy the dip. Otis: Would you like some ketchup with those eyes? [Mrs. Beady throws celery at Otis] Aaah! Celery trauma! Hilly Burford: So, Nora Beady, you claim that barn animals can walk on two legs, talk, and have crazy all-night parties. Mrs. Beady: That's right, Hilly, they can, and I brought proof. Come on out, tiny talking cow. [Mrs. Beady reaches into the cat carrier, but pulls out the dummy of Little Otis.] Little Otis: [recorded] Cleaning is awesome! Who loves sports bloopers? I soiled myself. Hilly Burford: [flabbergasted] What the?! Lady, that's just a stupid dummy with a bucket head. Mrs. Beady: But, there was a real, tiny talking cow in there a minute ago. [peeks inside the cat carrier] I swear it! Jessica Allspice: You're a bucket head, lady. [to the audience] Isn't she a bucket head? [The audience boos at Mrs. Beady as she stands up with her head stuck in the cat carrier.] Mrs. Beady: No! Hilly Burford: Security! Mrs. Beady: I'm not a liar and I'm not crazy! [is taken away by security guards] There are talking animals! Hilly Burford: Okay. Next up, Chef Susie's gonna show us how to make homemade jellybeans, and we're leaving out the licorice kind. Jessica Allspice: You're a jellybean, and you're leaving out the licorice kind. Hilly Burford: You see, Bev, this is what I'm talking about. She's not even saying anything. Peck: But Abby, how'd you know a mini version of you would lure Little Otis from the carrier? Abby: Easy. I knew he'd be crazy about her the same way big Otis is crazy about me. Otis: Lies and conjecture, madam. My clone is not crazy about your clone. Little Otis: Hey, Otis. Guess what? Little Abby and I are going steady. Ah. [purrs, then winks at Little Abby] Give me a kiss, baby. Little Abby: Pucker up, sugar. [Little Abby and Little Otis share a kiss] Otis: [shocked] What?! Stop it. That doesn't prove anything! Break it up, you two. [crying] They grow up so fast. Kids in the City [2.08b] Bessy: Do you mind, moron? We're trying to have storytime. Otis: Storytime? Cool! Are there robots in the story? Flesh-eating zombies? Ooh, how about a rogue cop who's two days from retirement? Abby: No, it's called Happy Trolley Goes to Town. Otis: Does the trolley jump the tracks and plow down some zombies? [Bessy beans Otis with the book] Storytime pain! Bessy: Now, where were we? [hands Abby the book] Abby: [reading] Happy Trolley went to Tiny Town to see his cousin, Tommy Taxi, but he wasn't home. Happy Trolley looked everywhere. The cotton candy factory, the fun-diddly-um-dum store, the bunny museum, Silly Sally's Silly Shack, Cutiepie Corner... Otis: SWEET CUD! WHAT ARE THOSE WORDS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?! [Losing the kids downtown.] Otis: Oh, no, they're gone! What have I done? This town will eat them alive! They're like little lost lambs! Peck: Actually, for the record, one of them is a lamb. Otis: That only reinforces my metaphor! Bessy: And now, kids, I'm gonna tell you the story of the stupid cow who went to town. Macy, Joey, and Boil: Yay! Bessy: Once upon a time, there was a stupid cow who lied to his friends. [punches Otis] Otis: Ow! Bessy: He said he was going truffle hunting, but that was a load of garbage. Episode 9 Snotty & Snottier [2.09a] Mrs. Beady: [interrupting Snotty Boy from shooting earwax at the farm animals] Eugene! Snotty Boy: [irritated] I'm... BUSY!!! Mrs. Beady: [talking through a megaphone] Come home! I have a wonderful surprise for you! Snotty Boy: A surprise? I like surprises. [chuckles] You're lucky, cow. Mrs. Beady: EUGENE! Snotty Boy: [storms off] I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! [The animals all get up and groan from Snotty Boy's attack.] Otis: Alright, is everyone okay? Peck: Sorry, I can't hear you. I have wax in my ears, AND IT'S NOT MINE! Pip: I hate that kid! Abby: He's inhuman! Freddy: He's not of this earth! Pig: He's a monster! Peck: [can't hear] What? Otis: I don't like the sound of this "big surprise". Freddy: I don't like the sound of vacuums! Pip: You're not bright. Snotty Boy: Auntie Nora, save me! Mrs. Beady: Huh? BERNARD! Otis: [grabs Mrs Beady's camera] Yoink. Mrs. Beady: Take your hands off my little yum-yum man! [Mrs. Beady throws a horseshoe at a cow yoke hanging from the ceiling, causing it to fall.] Phlegmy Boy: Auntie, it's not what you think! I found him like this! Tell her, Eugene! Tell her I found you like-- [the yoke lands on him] Mrs. Beady: [scolds Phlegmy Boy] I'm sending you back to your mother and father, and you're never coming here again! [yells in a deep voice] EVER!!!! Phlegmy Boy: [as Mrs. Beady drags him away by his ear] I'll be back, Eugene. And I'm gonna eat your silly-billy skull! Snotty Boy: I did it! I defeated Bernard! And you know who I have to thank? Otis: No. No need to thank me. Snotty Boy: Me! Because I "rockah la casbah", and you're the worst spirit guides ever! And I'm gonna kick your stupid spirit guide butts! Paging Dr. Filly [2.09b] Peck: Pip, could you please tell the weasel to pass the syrup? Pip: Dude, leave me out of this. Freddy: Pip, you tell that mistake of nature he can have the syrup after he passes me the salt. Pip: Oh, well, in that case, no. Peck: Tell him only idiots eat pancakes with salt. Dr. Filly: Folks, a one-eyed doodlebug can see that this barnyard is rife with emotional tension. Otis: What?! That's crazy. Abby: Yeah, we're like family. Dr. Filly: Bingo. Families are like a beekeeper with his hair on fire. You can't tell him what for, and if'n you do, he'll ask you for change! [The animals stare with confusion.] Pip: What? Dr. Filly: [about Pig] Okay, for example, this little feller right here uses pancakes to smother the sad clown inside his heart. Pig: [cries] It's true! Oh, it's true! [falls to the floor, and notices a stray pancake] Oh, finders keepers. [eats the pancake] Dr. Filly: [about Pip] And this little feller lives in the shadow of a best friend with whom he could never hope to compete. Otis: Is that true, Pip? Pip: I'm not just a sidekick. I'm a person! OH, SWEET CHEESE! IT HURTS! Dr. Filly: [to Otis and Abby] And you two are mired in the pasty quicksand of your ongoing romantic tension. Otis: I don't secretly love you! Abby: Me either! [Both giggle nervously.] Dr. Filly: Now, I always say you can't know a person until you walk around in his shoes and felt the searing pain of his bunions. Pig: Uh, question, what if the "shoes" belong to a circus clown? Dr. Filly: It was only a figure of speech, son. Pig: Ah. [picks up clown shoes] Then I won't need these. [throws the shoes away] Episode 10 Barnyards and Broomsticks [2.10a] [Abby is attempting to start a campfire.] Otis: Oh, Abby, your technique is all wrong. Abby: Oh, you think you can do better? [Otis lights the campfire with a blowtorch.] Otis: As previously stated, I am the king of camping! Announcer: King of Camping is a registered trademark of the Tamaguchi Corporation. Otis: Sleep? Yeah, I suppose I could have slept. IF I WANTED TO WAKE UP IN A WITCH'S OVEN! Otis: The sooner we get out of this witch-infested forest, the better. Now, which way is home? Freddy: That's easy. I left a trail of breadcrumbs for us to follow back. Pig: Oh, is that what those were? They were delicious. [Everyone groans at Pig in annoyance.] Pip: It's okay, guys. I packed a compass. Pig: Oh, that was a compass? I thought it was a watch. I ate it. Abby: Well, it's a good thing I never go anywhere without my portable GPS unit. Pig: That was delicious. [Everyone groans again.] Peck: Nobody panic. Moss grows on the north side of trees, right? So... Pig: Ate it. [Everyone groans again.] Otis: So, what you're all saying is, we're lost in the woods. Pip: Pretty much, yeah. Otis: WE'RE DOOMED! The Barn Buddy [2.10b] [A meter reader visiting the barnyard is horrified to discover the animals walking and talking.] Meter reader: Talking animals! I saw you! You animals were walking, and talking, and playing an obscure form of golf! Otis: Sir, calm down. We are not talking animals. We're... um... you know. Freddy: Fruit cup distributors! Otis: No, we're... Abby: Sassy improv comics. Otis: That is not helpful. Pig: Oh, I know! We're imaginary brain pixies, and only you can see us. Nailed it. [Otis sighs and pulls a rope, dropping a hay bale on the meter reader's head.] Meter reader: Head hurting. Memory of recent events fading. Barn Buddy: Congratulations on your purchase of me! Let's get started shall we? [The iris appeared ending the episode, but Barn Buddy is on the iris out] Alert! You, the viewer, have been identified as an enemy intruder! You will be neutralized! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-gita! Episode 11 Free Schmoozy [2.11a] Otis: [after Schmoozy eats Pig] CURSE YOU, SCHMOOZY! [sobs] Freddy: Otis! Otis! I figured out what the whale's been saying. He's saying, "chase me." Otis: "Chase me"? He must think this is some sort of game. How do you say, "please give our friends back" in whale? Freddy: Oh. That's easy. It's-- [gets eaten by Schmoozy] Otis: WOULD YOU STOP EATING MY FRIENDS?! At least you're still safe, Peck! Peck: Yeah, knock wood. [knocks the TNT, sending him flying as he screams, causing the ship to sink] Otis: [about Schmoozy] Okay, that was kind of our fault, but this general predicament can still be largely attributable to you! SCHMOOZYYYYYYY! Man's Best Fiend [2.11b] [Baxter has returned to the barnyard.] Otis: Oh, no! Guys, it's Baxter! You remember Baxter, Baxter was that awful mutt who switched places with Duke at the vet, and tried to steal his life here at the barnyard! Abby: Otis, we know. It was just a couple weeks ago. Pig: Yeah, who are you, Professor Exposition? [A fantasy sequence.] Otis: [singing] Professor Exposition, explainer of things! He's clarifying plot points to explain away confusion! [Back to reality.] Otis: No, I am not he. Pig: Then my search continues. Pig: Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Though that could be the caterpillar I swallowed. [Inside Pig's stomach, a frightened caterpillar paces.] Caterpillar: It's been two days since the giant pink monster ate me. Is this really happening? OR IS IT ALL SOME SORT OF TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE?! Episode 12 Everett's Treasure [2.12a] [Peck has been crushed by a falling safe.]Otis: Are you okay? Peck: [dazed] Sure, Archduke Ferdinand, I'd love some grilled cheese. Pip: He's okay. Abby: [shows up with Pig and Freddy] What in the world happened? Pip: It's Otis. He found this-- Otis: I'll tell them, Pip. It all started ten seconds ago, in the hay loft.[Flashback.]Otis: Keep looking, Pip. Our novelty plastic flying disc has to be around here somewhere. We have to find it so we can give it to that orphanage.[Pip moves a hay bale, revealing a secret door behind it, reading "DO NOT OPEN".]Pip: Hey, Otis, check it out. Otis: Whoa, secret door. "Do not open". Pip: Let's open it! Otis: No, Pip, we mustn't. What if there's something heavy inside, and it falls out of the hay loft, and lands on one of our friends? Pip: What? You worry too much.[Pip opens the secret door. The safe slides out, breaks through the barrier, and falls.]Peck: I got it! I got it! I got it! [gets crushed]Pip: What have I done?! You were right, Otis! You're always right. [echoes] Right... right... right...[End of flashback.]Pip: Uh, except you were the one who opened-- Otis: That's not important now. Abby: [reads the label on the safe] Property of N.S. Who's N.S.? Pig: Well, isn't it obvious? A near-sighted sausage maker must've stored it here. Freddy: Or Napoleon's sister. Pip: Or a noodle salesman. Peck: A Norwegian sword-swallower! Pig: A nasty sous-chef! Abby: A nerdy scientist! King Cud [2.12b] Otis: [eating Egyptian-themed cereal] You can practically taste the secrets of the Nile. Otis: [about to be hit by a falling sarcophagus] Aah! Impending historical pain! Otis: By the chew toys of Anubis, fetch hither the moist towelettes of the Nile that I may freshen myself thereon! Abby: Otis, are you okay? Otis: Oh-tis? I know not this "Oh-tis". [dons an Egyptian crown] I am King Cudenhotep IV, royal pharaoh of all Egypt! Abby: Guys, that blow on the head made him think he's an actual Egyptian pharaoh. Pig: No way, he's fine. Otis: Let a sparkly disco pyramid be hung thusly. Pig: Alright, that's a little weird. Otis: We have no balloons. FETCH ME THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES! Pig: Yep, he's broken. Freddy: He sure is. Where are we gonna find heads at this hour? Announcer: The next morning, written in hieroglyphics, this happened! Bessy: [disturbed by Otis' construction noises outside] What's going on? If I don't get fifteen hours of beauty sleep, I turn nasty. Pig: You mean nastier. Oh, snap! I went there! [Bessy hits him] Ow![The farmer is performing a puppet show at hand puppet camp with a farmer puppet and a dragon puppet.]Farmer: [as the farmer puppet] Hello, Mr. Dragon. I brought you a turnip from my garden. [as the dragon puppet] Dragons hate turnips! I knew you'd fail me![The dragon puppet roars and attacks the farmer puppet.]Farmer: [as the farmer puppet] What?! Mr. Dragon, that's not your line! Aah, why?![The farmer is driving home with his puppets.]Dragon Puppet: Pull over at this gas station. I need to make a pit stop. Farmer: But dragon puppet, we just stopped two exits ago. Dragon Puppet: Dragons don't explain things! Now, pull over! Farmer: Okay. [stops at the gas station]Dragon Puppet: You two idiots wait here. This could take a while. [leaves the truck, humming]Farmer Puppet: Quick! Let's get out of here! Farmer: But he told us to wait. Farmer Puppet: That dragon's crazy! We gotta ditch him! Farmer: But that's not very-- Farmer Puppet: I SAID, DRIVE!!!Farmer: AAAH! Announcer: 32,000 sand grains later... It's like an hour. Farmer: [thinking he's Benjamin Franklin] Frugality is the rich man's housecoat. Its pockets are filled with idleness and self. Dragon Puppet: [leaves the gas station] Ahhh, I'm a new dragon. [hums, and sees the farmer's truck gone] Hey, where'd they go?! Those idiots ditched me! [roars furiously] Episode 13 Iron Otis [2.13a] Chef Big Bones: I'm going to use a real rooster. Freddy: What?! But what about the tofrooster? Chef Big Bones: Yeah, that tastes like hot garbage. Ain't nobody eatin' that. Freddy: Well, I won't allow it! Roosters are kind, loyal animals who make wonderful roommates. Probably. Chef Big Bones: Fine, you don't like it?! There the fake kitchen door! Freddy: Fine! I'm leaving! Peck: [to a caged rooster] Don't be frightened. We're here to save you. Rooster: Save me? You mean these are not the auditions for the Seattle Opera? Peck: No. It's a cooking show! You're about to be deep-fried and eaten on live TV! Rooster: [gasps] Forza del destino! Hilly Burford: In our final story, local chef Big Bones Mignon's new recipe for mustache jambalaya is taking the county by storm. Chef Big Bones: Dat's right! It's like a vacation in your mouth, I guarantee! Hilly Burford: [slurps the jambalaya] Mmm. That's good mustache. [he starts feeling indigestion] Hey, I don't feel too good. Abby: Otis, I can't believe that phony Big Bones is getting the credit for your mustache recipe. Otis: Mmm. Who cares? Freddy's imitation rooster is awesome![Everyone else agrees.]Pip: Hey, wait a minute. Where's Peck?[Everyone looks at their forks, thinking they ate Peck.]Otis: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Pig: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Abby: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Goat: [monotone] Aaaaaaaaahhhh. Pip: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!![Otis uses a plunger on his mouth. Just then, Freddy and Peck enter.]Peck: Hey, guys. What's doin'?[Everyone is relieved to see Peck.]Pig: Phew! Otis: I don't even wanna tell you what we were thinking. Freddy: That the secret ingredient in tofrooster is dandruff? How'd you guess?[Beat.]Otis: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Pig: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Abby: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Goat: [monotone] Aaaaaaaaahhhh. Pip: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Hilly Burford: [still suffering from indigestion] AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Rooster: [singing opera] Aaaaaaaaaahhh! Too Good to Be Glue [2.13b] Otis: Hey, Freddy. Beautiful job on that rear bumper. Freddy: Thanks, Otis. I used Pig's special glue to fix it. Pip: Uh... Otis: Would that be the glue we just spent all day trying to track down and destroy, so it wouldn't explode people? Freddy: Yes. [the farmer's truck explodes in the distance] What's your point? Otis: Never mind.[The bumper to the farmer's car lands near the animals.]Announcer: Don't worry, the farmer recovered and will soon star in my amazing go-kart episode! Pip: I think we need a new announcer. Announcer: Too late, the end! Episode 14 Mr. Wiggleplix [2.14a] Otis: So how much longer do you think before he grows out of it? Abby: According to the book, four to six years. Otis: WHAAAA?![In a shock, Otis accidentally drops the disco anvil, which bounces off two trampolines, and a couch the goat is sitting on.]Pig: And we both reached for the blueberry juice at the same time! [he, Freddy, and Peck laugh][The anvil crushes the chair Mr. Wiggleplix was sitting in.]Pig: [devastated] Mr. Wiggleplix! NOOOOOOOOO...!!![At Mr. Wiggleplix's funeral, Pig is sobbing at Mr. Wiggleplix's grave.]Peck: Friends, we're gathered here to remember Mr. Wiggleplix. He lived a short, full life until Otis crushed him with an anvil. Otis: I didn't! [growls]Abby: Otis, since you often, maybe you'd like to say a few words. Otis: Um, yeah those words would be "no". Pig: [cries]Abby: Otis, you've got to! It says so in "What to Do Your Friend's Imaginary Friend's Funeral"! Otis: Oh, okay, fine. [gets up and walks to the "R.I.P. Mr. Wiggleplix" sign] Uh... Mr. Wiggleplix was transparent. I, for one, will never forget how I was never able to see any type of physical manifestation of this... [looks at the sign] uh, giant top hatted koala. Pig: Hedgehog! He was a giant HEDGEHOG!!! [runs away in tears]Otis: Well, draw better! Freddy: [sarcastic] Nice, Otis! Pip: Yeah, first, you off his friend, then you call him a filthy koala! Otis: Oh, okay, first, I never said filthy. And second, HE DOES NOT EXIST! Chain Gang [2.14b] Otis: [watching Bigfoot going on a rampage on a TV show] Ha-ha, I love current events. Freddy: I love scalp massage. Pip: No one cares. Hilly Burford: Hilly Burford here with a fast breaking story. Four crooks wearing animal masks have just robbed the town jewelry store. Marty, let's roll that footage. [covering his mouth] Okay, I'll roll it now.[Footage of the robbery is shown. The crooks are wearing masks identical to Otis, Pig, Peck, and Freddy.]Hilly Burford: Let's see. There's a cow, a cute little piggy, a duck, and a sort of marmoset-looking guy. Wow, that's some wild stuff. It's like a zoo. Otis: Sweet cud! Pig: I know. Those guys are incredibly handsome.[The animals are mistaken for the crooks by Officer Fred.]Otis: Oh, hey, officer. Funny story, you are gonna love this. Ha-ha-ha. We're not really the crooks. Officer Fred: Yeah, right. I suppose you're actual talking barnyard animals. Boy, you guys really went all out with the animal costumes. What's this, glued on? [stretches Peck's beak] You guys are looking at hard time. And by that, I mean prison. The hoosegow. Hotel Graybar. Jailey Town! I made that last one up. Otis: Let's just do what he says, and I'm sure this whole comical mistake'll blow over in no time.[Cut to the animals in prison.]Pip: And by "no time", you mean 20 to 30 years? Otis: Exactly. Abby: Look at us! Chained together like common criminals! This is terrible! Freddy: I know! I need privacy when I make number three! Pip: Number three? What in the world is-- [disgusted] I don't wanna know. Episode 15 Get Bessy [2.15a] Otis: Wow, saving that race of mole people from those giant evil bloodworms at the center of the Earth was cool![The others agree.]Peck: Definitely one of our better adventures. Abby: I still can't believe they made Pig their emperor.[Pig is shot out of the ground.]Pig: I abused my power and I learned nothing. Freddy: Look at her beady, little eyes, her furrowed brow, her cruel hateful beak. Peck: Freddy, you're looking at me. Freddy: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID! Abby: Guys, Bessy's my best friend. I refuse to believe she stole those paintings. Otis: Well, there's only one way to find out. Pig: Confront her with what we saw? Otis: No way! You remember the last time we tried to confront her with something?[Flashback to Bessy dropping an anvil on Otis' head.]Pip: Alert the authorities? Otis: Ha! You remember the last time we tried to alert the authorities?[Flashback to Bessy shoving Pig in Otis' mouth.]Abby: Maybe we should forget the whole thing and go about our business. Otis: You remember the last time we tried to forget the whole thing and go about our business?[Flashback to Bessy dropping the henhouse on Otis.]Freddy: [finds an alarm system while robbing a house] Hey, look, a tiny toaster oven! [rips it out of the wall, triggering the alarm] The defrost setting is awfully loud. Weird Al Yankovic: What's going on here? Animals: Weird Al Yankovic? Weird Al: Yeah, I'm Weird Al Yankovic. What are you doing in my house? Animals: Robbing it. Weird Al: Oh, really? Hm, good thing all famous people have police hotlines. [prepares to activate a hotline, in the shape of a clown's head]Otis: [takes the hotline] Wait, don't call the police! Weird Al: [tries to pull the hotline away from Otis] Get off my hotline! Otis: I don't wanna get off your hotline! [accidentally breaks it] Oh. Weird Al: You just messed with the WRONG Grammy winner! A Beautiful Freddy [2.15b] Freddy: [after losing the game show] Curse you, Alan Einstein! You know nothing of popular culture! Back at the Booyard [2.16] Abby: Okay, Otis, you got your candy back. Now can we get out of this creepy place? Otis: Sure we can. Pig: Okay, that sounds good. Abby: Let's go.[The animals agree to leave the cemetery]Otis: Right after I take a handful of candy from this tree trunk. [Otis attempts to take candy from Hockey Mask Bob's tree trunk but the animals stop Otis right before he does it] All: Noooooo!!!! Otis: Ah! What? Abby: Otis, don't you dare take candy from Hockey Mask Bob's tree trunk. Otis: Oh, come on, just a little to replace what we lost chasing Snotty Boy. Even a freak like Bob could understand the economics of that. Pig: But the legend. He'll come back and take his revenge. Otis: Oh, his revenge? ”Golly, I'm all a-tremble.” Guys, Hockey Mask Bob is all moon cheese and cracker dust. He doesn't exist. Now I'll just take a tiny handful, and we can be on our way. Duke: First the lights, then the scream, Now the locked door, This has Hockey Mask Bob written all over it! Otis: There is no Hockey Mask Bob. Someone get me a shovel. I'm breaking this door open. Pig: Not me. I'm waiting right here so he doesn't get me.[Hockey Mask Bob grabs Pig in the basement and the animals start to panic that Hockey Mask Bob was here]Otis: All right, stay calm. Nobody panic. Pip: Why not? Otis: Because I'm gonna panic enough for everyone. [panics] OH MY GOSH, IT WAS REALLY HOCKEY MASK BOB! HE'S REALLY REAL! AND HE JUST TOOK ABBY AND PIG AND NOW HE'S GONNA COME AFTER THE REST OF US!Otis: AAH! Hockey Mask used his demon powers to summon Abby's face onto his face! AAH! Abby: No, it's really me! I just pranked you. We all did![The others show up.]Pig: Hey, Otis. Duke: How you doin', big guy? Pip: Ha-ha, did we scare ya? Otis: AAAH! Hockey Mask Bob used dark sorcery to reanimate the bodies of my friends in a horrible fashion! [screams]Announcer: One hour later... Otis: AAAH! Hockey Mask Bob is pretending to be the announcer and making horrifying statements about the passage of time! [screams] Episode 17 Arcade of Doom [2.17a][Discussing the Z-Box.]Abby: Otis, that thing costs, like, ten thousand tickets. Freddy: Yeah, we'll never get that many. Peck: Ten thousand? Otis: Guys, did Napoleon quit when he needed ten thousand tickets to conquer France? Did that other guy quit when he needed ten thousand tickets to do that ten thousand ticket thing? No! I'm not saying it'll be easy. I'm not saying--[The others have left, and it's revealed Otis was giving his speech to a small kid, who starts crying.]Freddy: [to one of the restaurant animatronics] So, uh, come here often? Fox Cheerleader: We're best pals! Freddy: I was hoping we could be something more. Fox Cheerleader: Awesome! Freddy: [gasps] Do you mean it? These lines usually get me pepper-sprayed. Snotty Boy: [during laser tag] Ha! You showed mercy! You're weak! That Z-Box is mine! Say goodbye, stupid enlarged kid! Otis: Wait a minute. Kid, family, nougat, suspension bridges... Pig's pocket mirror![Otis deflects Snotty Boy's laser blast with the mirror, blasting him out of the room. Soon, Snotty Boy is confronted by Donk E. Cheese.]Donk E. Cheese: When you wake up in the emergency room, tell 'em Donk E. Cheese sent ya. [gives Snotty Boy a wedgie]Snotty Boy: [screams][After the British orphan Otis gave the Z-Box to is revealed to be a conman.]Abby: Well, Otis, you did the wrong thing. Otis: I sure did, Abby. I sure did. Pip: Yeah, it was actually pretty stupid. Peck: Yeah, I mean, you just gave it to him. Otis: [annoyed] I know what I did! Rodeotis [2.17b][Meeting Psycho the rodeo bull.]Abby: It's that crazy bull! Peck: He eats cowboys for breakfast! Freddy: And accountants for a light snack at 4:00![Otis has been injured by Psycho.]Bronco Betsy: Now, don't you worry, farmer. This vet's the best there is. How is he, doc? Vet: [clueless] Well, this bull's got a... oh, I've seen the pictures. What is it when the bone is all, uh, you know, there's a big crack, and it hurts a lot? Otis: [quietly] Broken. Vet: Right, yeah, that's it. His leg's broken. Uh, he won't be doin' any ridin' tonight. Bronco Betsy: [to the farmer] Oh, that's a shame, hon, and I so wanted to see you ride again... then possibly marry you. But, I guess it wasn't meant to be. Farmer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait! I'll ride any bull you got. Even that Psycho fella! Bronco Betsy: No, Farmer! That's crazy talk! Farmer: Well, maybe I am crazy. Crazy in love. Let's do this thing! Abby: Otis, what happened to your leg? Otis: Psycho asked me to help him move his couch, and then busted my leg, and said mean things, and the farmer decided to ride him to win the love of Bronco Betsy, and now he's doomed! Pig: I get his raisins! I mean, after we get over the initial shock of this. Episode 18 Mission: Save Bigfoot [2.18a] Hilly Burford: This just in, furry behemoth and beloved icon Bigfoot was crushed in an avalanche today on the top of Mount Avalanche. Sources say he was there on location for his new music video. Bigfoot: Love to love your lovely... LOVE!!! [the shout causes an avalanche, burying the frightened Bigfoot]Hilly Burford: Please join me in observing a moment of silence. [sadly pauses, then brightens up] Hey, caught in an avalanche on Mount Avalanche! Ain't that a stitch? Abby: I can't believe he's gone! Otis: It's like there's a big, empty hairy space in my heart. Peck: Poor guy. Buried under tons of cold, hard ice. Pig: I know. Hey, who's up for snow cones? What, too soon? Otis: Hey, look! An old, smelly goat sherpa! What's your name, old pants? Richard: Ah, many names, I have had throughout the ages. But you may call me... RICHARD P. HOFSTETTER!!! Abby: And you'll take us up the mountain? Richard: I will. But first, you must answer three questions. Otis: Riddle away, horned one. Richard: Very well. One, did you pack a lunch? Pig: Yes, right here in this cooler. Richard: Two, what kind of lunch is it? Freddy: Just some sandwiches. Richard: Three, do you need your parking validated? Otis: No. Richard: Then, follow me! But I must warn you, the mountain is high, and the rock we tread is hard. The rooster may not make it. Peck: Wait, what? Otis: Lead on, my pungent ally! Richard: Very well! Mountain sha-boobity-ding-dang! Pig: Why did he say that? Otis: No idea.[Bigfoot is revealed to be alive.]Otis: I knew you were alive! We're here to rescue you! Bigfoot: [grunts]Abby: Bigfoot says thank you, Otis, but he was never actually in danger. Otis: But the breaking news, the avalanche. Bigfoot: [grunts]Abby: Bigfoot says he faked his death to escape the paparazzi. Bigfoot: [grunts]Abby: The flash bulbs were driving him crazy, draining him spiritually and never letting him find a moment's peace.[A montage shows Bigfoot being provoked by paparazzi's camera flashes. Back in the present, Bigfoot covers his eyes and grunts, haunted by the memories.]Peck: Then that means Otis brought us up here FOR NOTHING!!! Bigfoot and Animals: [singing] Fall down mountain, mountain go boom, animals in hot tub no die. Mrs. Beady Takes a Holiday [2.18b] Mrs. Beady: That's right! This entire rest vacation was a ruse so I can finally get close enough and rip off your disguise! Pig: What happened? I was looking over here. Otis: Well played, Nora. Too bad you neglected to record my talking animalness... on videotape! Mrs. Beady: Or did I?! [presses a button on a remote, causing several security cameras to appear]Otis: [shocked] A-doink?![The other animals are horrified.]Abby: [gasps] Oh, no! Freddy: It's over! Otis: [slow clapping] Well played again, my old enemy. I see now that you knew that I knew that you know that I knew that you knew the whole time. Mrs. Beady: Yes. [confused] Wait, what? Otis: It's too bad there's nothing to stop me... from smashing your cameras! [tries to do so, but his feet are stuck to the floor] Oh, hey, what the? Mrs. Beady: Did I fail to mention that I waxed linoleum you're standing on with a super adhesive? [holds up a glue bottle][The animals all struggle, stuck to the floor]Mrs. Beady: Keep struggling, talking animals, and I'll keep taping! Abby: Otis, what do we do? Otis: There's nothing we can do. She's beaten me. Beaten me!Mrs. Beady: I expected better of you. Where'd you get that lame volcano story anyway? Abby: Actually, there is a volcano near this lake. I found it on the internet.[The cabin starts shaking.]Mrs. Beady: Oh! Oh, my! [sees lava bombs falling out the window] Oh, no. I've got to escape! Otis: Wait, you have to save us! Mrs. Beady: Oh. Uh... Nah! [runs out of the cabin] Volcano! Lava! Fear! [pushes Mr. Beady into the motorboat and escapes][The animals leave the cabin, with pieces of broken floor stuck to their feet.]Otis: There she goes. My cunning plan worked perfectly. Thanks for shaking the house, beavers. Beaver: No problem! Otis: Nice acting job, Abby. Abby: Any time, Otis. Otis: And Pip, those fire bombs were fantastic! How'd you make the lava bombs look so real? Pip: Easy. It turns out there really is a volcano here. Otis: Wow, that was convenient. Well, guys, Mrs. Beady's on her way home, and the great cosmic balance has been restored. Pip: Yeah, Otis, that volcano could erupt any minute now. Maybe we should-- Otis: Hang on, daddy's still talking. For once again, I have outwitted my enemy, and proved that in the game of wits, the cow is truly the master! [the volcano erupts] Now we run.[The animals run away from the falling lava bombs, screaming.] It's an Udderful Life [2.19] Hilly Burford: [as a mall Santa] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Chr--[Snotty Boy jumps in his lap] Oof! Snotty Boy: [yanks Hilly's fake beard and snaps it back] Shut your holiday hole, beardy! Hilly Burford: Say, you're a hefty little guy, ain't cha? Snotty Boy: Now, listen good! Every year, I ask you and your sorry giant behind for the same thing: a Red Ryder BB Taser with double-pump battery action for extra painfulness! But you never bring it to me! Hilly Burford: Why, I think I'm losing feeling in my legs. Snotty Boy: If I don't get a BB Taser this year, you'll be VERY, VERY, SORRY. Hilly Burford: I'm already sorry. Sheesh, is it Easter yet? Donner: Yo, Otis. Offer him cinnamon. Blitzen: Oh, ja, Santa is the silly for the cinnamon! Otis: Ah, it's okay, Santa. We'll just drink all this delicious cinnamon eggnog ourselves, having a cinnamony good time. Nice meetin' ya, though. Cinnamon. Santa: [beat] Did they tell you to mention cinnamon? Otis: Yes. Santa: Well, it worked! Let me at that bad boy! Santa: So the elf says, "That's no pixie! That's my wife!"[Everyone laughs.]Abby: Santa, you are hi-larious. [laughs]Pig: Hey, Santa, do you know the Easter Bunny? Santa: Know him? That carrot jockey owes me 50 bucks! Pig: Tell us another story, Santa. Peck: Yeah, tell us a story! Pip: Yeah, come on, Santa. Abby: Tell us a huge one! Santa: Another story? What is this, Santa's book club? Hey, next time I'll tell you about when me and Rudolph went on spring break. No hiding from the cops with that nose. Santa: Elves like to ice skate, but I'd rather scuba! When this gig is over, I'm off to Aruba![Santa has contracted Ferret Fever after Otis accidentally gave him Freddy's cup.]Blitzen: Ach du Lieber! You broke Santa! Donner: Now he can't finish delivering the presents, and we still got this county to go! Otis: Okay, okay, calm down. We can work this out. Uh, maybe Santa can make it up to the county with some nice Presidents' Day gifts, huh? Donner: Don't you know anything about Christmas? Blitzen: Ja! If Santa's not finishing his rounds by midnight, the law of Christmas magic'll be kerfuftenzeiger! That means "broken"! Donner: And if the law of Christmas is kerfuftenzeiger-- Blitzen: Broken. Donner: Santa gonna lose his holiday powers permanently! Blitzen: Und zat means no more Christmas, forever!Otis: What?! You mean, I-- All: YOU KILLED CHRISTMAS! Bessy: Nice going, sugar plum moron. Snotty Boy: Ha-ha! That stupid old Santa Claus better bring me what I want this year, or he'll get a stocking full of pain, and a gift certificate for suffering! Tah! I'm witty. Otis: And now, back to the show. Announcer: Hey, that's my line! Do I go down to where you work, and do whatever it is you do? Otis: I-- Announcer: BACK TO THE SHOW![Snotty Boy has captured Otis, disguised as Santa.]Snotty Boy: So, fat man, we meet again. [in the same style as his signature laugh] Ho-ho-ho! I usually say "ha", but I changed it to "ho", 'cause it's Christmas, and I'm clever! Episode 20 Robopeck [2.20a] Singer: ♪ Bionic roosterBionic roosterBionic roo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooster Bionic roosterBionic rooster! ♪[The animals watching on Farmer's TV of Robo(Peck) causing the city's destruction]Hilly Burford: Hilly Burford live from downtown, where some kind of crazy laser-shooting robot ostrich is weaving a path of destruction! Robo(Peck): [grabs Hilly Burford with his arms] Let me help you across the street. Hilly Burford: Hey, that's quite all right. Just put me down, now- Whoa! [Robo(Peck) throws him to the TV Screen]Abby: We gotta do something before he destroys the whole town! Otis: There's only one way to stop him. Boil: Please don't say peanut butter. Otis: There's only two ways to stop him. Boil: You mean- Otis: Precisely! Come on, kids. We've got a cyborg to build. Hilly Burford: Hey, where'd those robots go? Maybe they went back to Robot Land, or maybe it was all just a crazy dream. Or maybe, maybe there's a little bit of robot inside of every one of us. Wow, everybody, I think I have a concussion. Puppy Love [2.20b] Stamps: I can't stay long, Dukey. We just wanted to stop by and get your blessing, then it's off to Vegas for the wedding. Otis: Vegas? That's practically in Asia![It's revealed Stamps is marrying Baxter.]Duke: Stamps, you can't marry this guy! He's a total conman! Otis: Yeah, he stole Duke's identity and tried to get him kicked out of the barnyard! Abby: And then he tricked the farmer into adopting him and got Duke kicked out of the house. Pig: And once he cut off a guy's hand and expelled him from the Jedi Council! Pip: Dude, that was a movie. Pig: I like movies. [a flashback shows Pig, disguise as a boy, watching a horror movie in a movie theater] Don't go in there! The monster's in there! Don't do it, girlfriend! Can you believe this? It's like she's not even listening. [answers the phone] Hey, I'm at the movies. Alison just went into the room where the Dracula is waiting. Well, of course, I warned her! Duke: He's up to something. I bet my family's priceless collection of dog bones on it. Otis: Shwa?! Priceless collection of what now? Duke: My uncle Scrappy's priceless dog bone collection. [a portrait of Uncle Scrappy appears] If he kicks the bucket, it goes to me. Otis: And if you kick the bucket, it goes to Stamps? Duke: Yeah, what's your point? Otis: Um, Duke, how can I phrase this loudly? [shouting into Duke's ear, causing his brain to poke out of his head] Baxter's marrying your sister so he can kick your family's various buckets and get your fortune!Duke: What?! [as he puts his brain back in his head] Why, that skeevy little mutt! Stamps: [after Duke tricked Baxter] I heard the whole thing, Baxter! You lying, no-good, flimflamming...! Baxter: But, Stimpy, I can explain! Duke: You're busted, Baxter. Have fun on your honeymoon. [puts him in a cage on a catapult]Baxter: Wait, Derek! You can't do this! I'm your husband! [Duke launches Baxter away] I love you! Episode 21 Clonedemonium [2.21a][Little Otis and Little Abby have returned.]Otis: Guys, it's our clones! Remember when we cloned ourselves and almost got exposed as talking animals, but everything got resolved in the nick of time? Pig: Who are you, Admiral Exposition?[A fantasy sequence shows Otis as an admiral on a ship.]Otis: Plot point to starboard! Raise the backstory! Swab the walk-on character! [laughs triumphantly] Now, it's an episode![Back to reality.]Pig: [saluting, in tears] I've never served with a finer officer. Hickory Dickory Donkey [2.21b] Bessy: Where's your mouse buddy? Otis: He just left for his date with Prunella. Bessy: What?! We gotta stop him. That donkey's just using him to make her boyfriend jealous. Otis: [singsong] Bessy likes Pip! She's got a tiny boy-- [Bessy slams the door on Otis, smashing him through the wall] Episode 22 Clown and Out [2.22a][Otis and the others try to escape Snotty Boy on the tractor.]Otis: Don't worry, guys, we're gettin' outta here! Abby: Otis, watch where you're going! Otis: That's not necessary, Abby. You see, tractor driving's all about instincts. You just have to--[The tractor hits a bump, and a clown shoe flies past.]Otis: What was that? Freddy: Just a clown! Keep driving! Pip: Dude! That was Snotty Boy's dad![Otis stops the tractor, and the animals check on the unconscious Reginald.]Otis: [worried] Is he...? Pig: No, he's alive. [honks Reginald's nose] But he's lost a lot of hilarity. Otis: [in disguise as Snotty Boy's dad] There's my little mister! Snotty Boy: Gross! You don't always have to say things! Snotty Boy: Wow, Dad! Today was the best day ever! Otis: That's nice. My skull's broken. Snotty Boy: I can't wait to see what you have planned for my birthday party later! Otis: Birthday pa-shwaaa?! Snotty Boy: What?! You forgot?! But you promised me a party with friends and oil cake! This is filling me with RAGE!!! Where's my animal-hurting rocket launcher?! Otis: Hey, Spoopy! Clowning is stupid! Reginald: [gasps] What did you say? Otis: You heard me! Clowns are creepy and smell like liverwurst! Reginald: How dare you, sir! Otis: Look at me, I'm a clown! I wear makeup and doofy clothes, and make people happy, A-DURR!!! Reginald: I will not stand here and allow the art of clowning to be insulted by an amateur! Otis: [mocking high voice] I will not blah-blah, and a lot of blah-blabbity-blabbity clown words! Clan of the Cave Cow [2.22b] Dr. Matt: That's why I never wear underwear. Episode 23 Four Leaf Otis [2.23a] Abby: [about the farmer's potato crop] Guys, who could've taken 'em? Pig: Oh, open your eyes, people, this whole thing has leprechaun written all over it![The others laugh.]Pip: Dude, there's no such thing as leprechauns! Pig: [offended] Fine, but when you need a Killarney shamrock spell to undo a banshee's curse, don't come crying to me! Pip: [confused] ...What? Leprechaun: [about to have his pot o' gold taken away by the animals] Please, laddies, you can't do this! The other leprechauns'll shun me, and call me names like, Old No-Gold, and Paddy Ol' Goldless, and Ain't Got Gold Harry! I can't face that! Otis: [mocking] Oh, poor little leprechaun! The other wee folk'll call me mean names and hurt me self-esteem! Cop Cow [2.23b][Officer Fred has been injured.]Abby: Poor Officer Fred. Pip: Now who's gonna give out traffic tickets? Peck: And get cats out of trees? Pig: And keep us safe from swamp goblins?[Otis enters the mayor's office in disguise, while the mayor is busy with his video game.]Otis: I am a human man who would like to apply for the police human position. Mayor: [not paying attention] You got the job. Otis: Really? Isn't there some kinda cop test or something you want me to take? Mayor: Good idea. What's a red light mean? Otis: Oh, red light. Oh, wait. Oh, I know this one. Oh, um... Fruit merchant's crossing! Mayor: You got the job. Otis: Really? I'm not even sure if that was... Mayor: Too late, you got the job, get out. Otis: Are you positive? 'Cause I don't-- Mayor: You got the job. Otis: I'm actually-- Mayor: Job. Otis: Okay. Mayor: Job. Otis: Alright-- Mayor: Out. Get. Otis: I'm actually-- Mayor: Now. Otis: Just a cow, I'm not even a person. Mayor: Job. Gotten. Otis: You're not listening to anything I'm saying, are you? Mayor: Out, get. Otis: Attention, barn animals! This is the fun police! Come out with your party on! Pig: No thanks, Otis. Let's just say I'm not cut out for law enforcement.[A flashback shows Pig as a cop, pulling over a driver.]Pig: What makes you think you can go 180? Driver: Uh... I'm having a baby? Pig: [excited] A baby?! Well, why didn't you say so? Go, go! [the driver speeds away][Otis burns his mouth on Mrs. Beady's freshly-baked donuts.]Otis: AAH, SWEET CUD, THAT'S HOT! MY FACE FLESH IS MELTING!!![A masked figure enters the donut store, and meets Abby behind the counter.]Abby: Hello, ordinary customer. Welcome to the donut store. How may I-- TAKE HIM DOWN!!![Otis tackles the figure as Abby pelts the figure with donuts.]Otis: Police tackle! Peck: Freeze, dirtbag! Freddy: [accidentally sprays his eyes with pepper spray] Ow, my eyes! [also sprays Peck]Otis: [removes the figure's mask] Aha! [notices the figure, surprised] Huh? Animals: Pig?! Otis: Pig, you're ruining the whole stakeout! Peck: Uh, Otis, I think Pig is the thief. Pig: I am not! Otis: Then how do you explain this ski mask and cat burglar outfit? Pig: Oh, I just put this on so no one knows I'm a pig. And for some reason, I keep getting three donuts.[A flashback shows Pig at the donut store in his ski mask, talking to a frightened cashier.]Pig: Give me three vanilla sprinkles, a couple of old-fashioneds, and 46 jelly-filleds, and make it snappy! Cashier: Don't hurt me![End of flashback.]Otis: Gee, Pig. Did you ever wonder why the donuts were free? Pig: I did not. Episode 24 Plucky and Me [2.24a] Pig: Pancakes are ready! Duke: Pig, that's cement. Pig: Ah. Then, I'm very ill. Abby: How long does cement take to dry? Otis: Oh, about this long. [dries the cement with a blowtorch] Voila! Instant speed bump! No hot-wheelin' grannies are gonna turn my friends into roadkill! Announcer: Later that day, Otis hatched a plan. Get it? It's an egg episode, and I said "hatched"! I'm lonely! Pip: [when a dinosaur hatches out of the egg] Dude, that's no giant chicken! That's a Godzilla![After Plucky has been struck down, seemingly dead.]Officer Fred: Looks like that last cheese ball did him in. Mrs. Beady: Oh, it wasn't the cheese ball. 'Twas beauty killed the beast. Officer Fred: No, I'm pretty sure it was the cheese ball. Pig of the Mole People [2.24b] Eric: [to Freddy and Peck] Know what I like about you guys? NOTHING! Freddy: Meanie! Peck: Oh, it hurts! Eric: [to Abby] You have beautiful hair, ON YOUR UPPER LIP! Abby: Why'd you have to say that?! Eric: [to Pip] How's the weather down there, SHORTY?! Pip: But I'm taller than you. It still hurts![Everyone cries.]Otis: Listen, wormy. What say you just get on your hate wagon and hit the road? Eric: Okay, dugly! I called you "dugly", 'cause you're dumb AND ugly! Otis: Yeah, that's great. Look, your little schoolyard taunts don't work on me, so why don't you just dive back into your hole, and leave us alone? Eric: You have to hang bacon around your neck just so puppies will play with you! Otis: [in tears] How did you know that?! I'm a nice guy! Why do I have to hang bacon around my neck?! [weeps] Don't look at me! Episode 25 A Catfish Named Eddie [2.25a] Eddie: Just the mug I wanted to see, see? Yeah. Pip: You're done, catfish! Otis is gonna toss you out of the barnyard for this! Eddie: Listen, whiskers. Otis is on my side. He said I was right to kick you off his shoulder. In fact, he told me to tell you that you're dead to him now that I'm back in his life, see? Mwah. Pip: What?! No way! Otis would never say that! Eddie: He used those very words. You can ask him yourself, see? In fact, I dare you, yeah. Otis: Good work, Pip. How'd you know the crows were here? Pip: Because I was helping steal the corn. Otis: Good thinking! I would've done the exact-- say SHWA?! Abby: Pip, why would you do that? Pip: Because Otis is a big dope. He abandoned me for Eddie. He even said I was dead to him. Otis: I did not! I said you were the best friend ever! Pip: That's not what he told me. Abby: Fellas, sounds like that catfish has been doin' a mess of lyin'. Otis: That slimy bottom feeder! He was only using us to get more cool product ideas! Just like he did with pizza gum! That catfish is going DOWN. Beady and the Beasts [2.25b] Otis: Guys, guys, we all agree that Mrs. Beady's driving us crazy. So, Pig's just gonna have to throw her out. Pig: Oh, not me, Otis. I'm not good at delivering bad news.[Flashback to Pig as a singing telegram to a man's house.]Pig: You've been fired from your job, so you can't pay the bills, and by the way, your wife is leaving too! Man: Aww... Mrs. Beady: Yoo-hoo! Look who's back! [Mr. Beady smiles, and gets up, about to hug her] And I brought a visitor. It's my mother![Otis enters, disguised as Mrs. Beady's mother.]Mr. Beady: [sits back down] Yup. Things are about to get ugly. Mother Beady: You! I haven't seen you since you poisoned us last Thanksgiving! Turkey fondue? More like turkey fon-don't!Otis: Lovely to see you too, dear. I didn't realize zombies could come out in the daylight. Mother Beady: And you look fabulous. I guess bloated is the new black. Otis: [trying to feed Mr. Beady] Canary goes in the coal mine! Mr. Beady: [fed up with his mother and Otis fighting over him] THAT'S IT! I'VE... HAD IT! OUT OF MY HOUSE, NOW!!! Mother Beady: But Nathan, you need your mama to take care of you! Mr. Beady: I already got someone to take care of me! [points to Mrs. Beady] Her! The lesser of evils! Otis: [whispers] Her name's Nora. Mr. Beady: Right, Nora. Aliens!!! [2.26] Bessy: How'd you like me to put that flying saucer where the sun don't shine?! Alien Leader: You and what army?! Bessy: My five-fingered army! Alien Leader: Why don't you say that to the enda?! The end of my tentacle! Bessy: Ooh, I'm frightened. Frightened that your ugly is contagious! Alien Leader: Strong words from a back-planet-dwelling, oxygen-breathing, dual-chromosome descendant of anaerobic microbes![The alien leaders are performing in Las Vegas.]Alien Co-Captain: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! You're a beautiful crowd! Alien Leader: Yes, beautiful. Except for that guy in the third row. He has the face of a Meldexian dung beetle! [laughs] Am I right? I'm just kidding, sir. I kid out of love. Alien Co-Captain: And speaking of love, hit it, Morty! Alien Leader: Don't go floxing my secondary mandibular valve! Alien Co-Captain: I won't go floxing your secondary mandibular valve! Man in crowd: YOU STINK![Last lines.]Mrs. Beady: Nathan, we have a situation here! Mr. Beady: [watching the TV] My team has a situation! Mrs. Beady: Ugh. Just look at me for one second. Mr. Beady: [ignoring] Seen you a million times.[It's revealed Mrs. Beady's limbs and head are mismatched.]Mrs. Beady: Fine, but don't blame me if dinner is late. I'd like to see you cook a meal when your arm's where your leg should be! Maybe I'll go on the Goraldo show. He'll'' believe me about the aliens. I can't find my tush! Category:Children's television seasons