Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return

Reptilicus Kinga Forrester: I am reopening my family's most legendary experiment; Mystery Science Theater 3000! I'm gonna blow up this brand, and then sell it to Disney for a billion dollars! Reptilicus (movie) [as the miners discover flesh and bones on the copper drill] Miner: Bones? Jonah: Jim! Miner: Fossil bones. Jonah: Fossil Jim! Crow: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's this movie! Jonah: Okay, out. Crow: What? But that's Shakespeare! Jonah: Out! Crow: Oh, c'mon... Gypsy: Now you're Mister Filing Cabinet! Servo: Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved right here at the dish rack. [as the scenes cut rapidly] Servo: Door is ajar. Crow: The temperature is negative five degrees! Jonah: He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. Servo: The time is 5:06 a.m. Crow: The temperature is ten degrees! Servo: Door is ajar. Jonah: He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. Servo: The time is 8:06 a.m. Crow: The temperature is twenty degrees!!! Crow: Only God can play God, and sometimes Morgan Freeman! [during a shot of two officers playing chess] Crow [as officer]: Bingo. Yahtzee. King me. I don't really know how to play backgammon. Cry Wilderness Cry Wilderness (movie) [as the title card appears] Crow: Well, if you insist. Crow, Servo, and Jonah: WILDERNESS! Mr. Douglas: You're too old to believe in fairy tales! Gyspy: He is? What a terrible way to find out. [as Paul runs away from his father, who is carrying a rifle] Will: Paul! Jonah [as Will]: Aww, I'm gonna have to wing him to stop him. Won't be the first time. BANG! Jonah: Good idea kid. Hug him right at the butt of a loaded shotgun. Servo: Wait a minute. Those are feet... attached to legs... that must mean... a person! [as two raccoons make a mess in the kitchen of lots of food atop the kitchen counters] Crow [as a raccoon]: I went from Guardians of the Galaxy to this?! Servo [as other raccoon]: How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick! . . . Jonah: You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN. Servo: Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace. [Paul's father begins to laugh] Crow: Don't laugh. You people are pigs. Mr. Wagoner: You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel. Will: All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster. Mr. Wagoner: My disaster. Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get 'em! Sheriff: Yes sir, Mr. Wagoner. Jonah [as Sheriff]: How high, sir? Mr. Wagoner: What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys! Jim: You don't understand, Mr. Wagoner. Mr. Wagoner: Make me understand. Will: It's not a crazy beast. It's just some... animal we don't have any experience with. [Wagoner throws something down which seemingly hits Servo] Servo: Ow! Geez! Mr. Wagoner: If you close one road- if you open your mouth in front of one hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! [to Morgan] You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! [to Jim] You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal. Some Indian! [a scantily dressed woman holding a martini suddenly appears] Jonah [as Wagoner]: Have you met my girlfriend? She appears when I make racist comments. [as Jim wrestles a bear and begins randomly laughing] Servo: Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun. Jim: It's old Big Mike! Crow [as Will]: Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead. Jonah [as Morgan]: What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails. Crow: Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love. Servo [as Paul]: Maybe I'll laugh later. [Will begins laughing] Crow: I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their Seinfeld. Servo: [Paul begins laughing] It's funny! Crow: Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for Two and A Half Men? Morgan: Let's keep this a secret between you and me. Crow: Okay, it is never good when an adult says that to a kid. [after a random tiger exits the cave] Crow [as the tiger]: I'm as surprised I'm in this movie as you are, folks. Jim: [grabbing Paul] Do I have to tie you up?! Paul: You're nothing but a dumb Indian! Crow, Servo, and Jonah: WHOA! Jim: Red Hawk! Is that you? Red Hawk: You remember me, don't you? Jim: You died thirteen years ago. I saw you sealed up in a cave. Jonah [as Red Hawk]: Well, Happy Easter. Red Hawk: I was. After seven days, I had a vision. All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got up, broke out of the cave. I've been here since, with my friends. [beckons to the animals around him] Crow [as a hawk]: I'm not his friend. I'm not indigenous to the area. Call the police! [during a snowy scene] Morgan: Let's get this tiger hunt over with. I'm looking for bigger game. Will: What do you mean? Morgan: I'm sitting on a fortune, right here in this forest, now! Crow [as Morgan]: Look at all this pure, uncut cocaine! [As the credits roll] Jonah: Yeah, I thought my soul was thoroughly crushed by this movie, but now this music is squeezing out the last little bit. The Time Travelers Kinga Forrester: Well Max, that was the 200th episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. What an achievement. Max: If you count the old series, which we had nothing to do with. Technically, this was our third episode. Kinga Forrester: Okay come on, Disney celebrates fake anniversaries all the time! Donald Duck turns 90, Mickey and Minnie's 25th Anniversary, uh... the 40th Anniversary of pulling Song of the South off the shelves- I don't know! We have got to grab some of these celebration legacy dollars! Bring in the cake! [the skeleton crew wheels in a cake filled with candles; Max lights a lighter] Kinga Forrester: No no no, hey! [slaps the lighter from his hand] We are not lighting the candles! This is a nitrogen-rich atmosphere! Wh- ... [sighs] Happy 200th, Max. Max: ...Yeah, okay. Kinga Forrester: Push the 200th button, Max. The Time Travelers (movie) Crow: I'm actually traveling through time at the rate of one hour per hour. Gypsy: Rip Torn is Dr. Strange! [shot of a table of android eyeballs] Crow: Think about it: iPad, iPhone, eyeball. This is already happening, folks. Servo: Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um... and-groin? Jonah: "And-groin"? Did you just make that word up? Servo: I had to come up with something. We burned through the words "area" and "crotch". Crow: Here comes another one. Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera. Thank you. Disgusting! Danny: [holding a tray of android eyeballs] Holy McKee! I thought I was giving her the eye! Jonah: [sigh] You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny. Servo: Yeah, Danny. You really think she needed help moving a tray of eyeballs three feet? These are warning signs, man! Wake up! [as Danny and Reena kiss] Servo: Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow! Crow: Hah! Jonah: Hey... [as Carol finds a storage room filled with wooden boxes full of straw] Servo: Wooden crates stuffed with straw... of the future! Crow: Hobo bedding... of the future! Jonah: The insides of scarecrows... of the future! Servo: Practical dynamite storage... of the future! Crow: Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material... of the future! Jonah: Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of Jerry Maguire... also of the future! Steve: You are pronouncing our death sentence. Servo [as Steve]: You dickweed! Willard: I don't enjoy doing it. Steve: You resented us from the beginning! Willard: I have, but that is not why I'm doing this. I... Crow: Line! Willard: We must consider the greater good! Crow, Servo, and Jonah: The greater good... [as the movie abruptly ends] Crow: Oh no, the universe lost reception! [a message from the producer appears onscreen] Jonah: The producer wishes to acknowledge that this movie was not all that good. Servo: I doubt those businesses want to be associated with this movie at all. Avalanche Avalanche (movie) Onscreen Text: New World Pictures presents... Jonah: The Illuminati made a movie? Huh. Servo: Yeah, and they're so open about it. David: It's terrific to see you. Crow [as David]: Even in that color palette. David: The two of you together... Jonah: And I'm not forgetting you, Danny from the last movie. [as Florence and McDade struggle walking uphill in snow] Florence: [breathless] In case you haven't noticed... not only... are we out-of-doors... and knee-deep... in snow... but we are... also... going uphill! Jonah [as the director]: Cut! Take 15, do it again! [after a skier narrowly escapes an avalanche] Crow [as Nick]: My snowball predicted all of this. [as we see Caroline swimming underwater] Servo: Do you think she understands she's trapped under the ice? Oooh, let's watch. [she surfaces] Caroline: Oh, hi there. Jonah: Oh, she's in a heated pool. Crow: Actually the safest place to be in an avalanche. Servo: Camera guy is drowning, don't mind him. [as a waiters serve numerous baked Alaskas] Jonah [as a waiter]: Uh, we made way too many of these? No one seems to want 'em, they look awful, but they taste okay. We're just giving them away for free now, seriously try one. Anybody? Please? Crow [as a waiter]: [as one waiter carries a torched baked Alaska up to a balcony] Screw it. We're just gonna torch them all, and throw them off the balcony. What's the difference? Who's making these things anyway? It's ridiculous. [as a waiter serves one to where the main characters are sitting] Servo [as a waiter]: Thank you for agreeing to take one of these. They really smell. We're sorry. Jonah [as Florence]: Oh, yuck! Marshmallows, grilled oysters, cherry tomatoes, and butter??? Oh... Jonah: You know what this movie is missing? Crow: Name tags. David: [as he and Caroline get into an argument] What's going on here? I only asked you to dance! Caroline: You didn't ask me to dance, you told me to dance! Servo: Crazy on you! Caroline: You've got to run the whole show, you panic if you haven't got complete control! It's always the same thing! I've got to the point where I didn't even know what I felt about anything! David: I just want to be with you! What's wrong with wanting to be with you, or you wanting to be with me?! Caroline: You stifle me! I- I need some space! I need some room! I've gotta make my own decisions! Just leave me alone. David: I don't want to leave you alone! Caroline: Well, that's a problem I can solve. Jonah: Get a second divorce! [as the film cuts to an unfocused shot of the storm] Servo: Why do they keep cutting to the planet Neptune? Crow: I don't know, but I wish they'd just stay there. [as a plane crashes in a fiery explosion into the mountain and triggers the avalanche] Servo: Oh, now it's one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like Sharknado or Lavalantula. Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Plane-alanche! Jonah: I didn't know snow was so combustible. Servo: It's not, but styrofoam is. Crow: Now if that doesn't start an avalanche, I'm leaving. Jonah: I think we need to get a sense of scale here. This could be a snow fort for all we know. Servo: This really begs the question: would you suffocate painfully while buried under snow for a Klondike Bar? Crow: Just when you thought this movie couldn't get any whiter. [when the Fire Department loses a box of first aid equipment] Crow: That wasn't even caused by the avalanche! They're just completely incompetent! [an ambulance stops in the street, while a police car swerves to avoid a collision, and almost hits a person, causing mayhem] Jonah: They should change the name of this movie from Avalanche to just General Catastrophe. Servo: Oh, so now we're seeing collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche? Crow: What's next? Someone cutting their finger on the newspaper reading about it? [when a fire truck's yellow beacon light is right in front of the camera] Jonah: Oh, it's commercial sign! [as the ambulance carrying Florence careens off a cliff] Jonah: Wait, there's a chance that Florence could survive that fall. Gypsy: Unfortunately, there's so much alcohol in her body, she's basically a human explosive. [the ambulance explodes] Crow: Yup. There she goes. Servo: Even the fire smells like gin. The Beast of Hollow Mountain Kinga: [watching with Max as Jonah is left confused and terrified about Crow and Servo imitating the masked Life Celebration dance from the film] Uh, is this that Hamilton show everyone's talking about? Max: It could be a celebration of the arbitrary quality of life, or they suffered a really bad blow to the head. Jonah: [pleading to the bots, who are ignoring him completely] Why is this happening, what's going on?! Why won't you guys talk to me?! Kinga: [begging] Tell us! Tell us; I'm going out of my freaking mind! Max: What have we done to offend thee?! Jonah: Answer me! You guys are scaring me! Max: Who must we kill to slake thy anger? Jonah: [growing more uneasy] Crow! Tom; Tom, it's Jonah! What is happening?! Kinga: [sobbing in horror] Make it stop!! Jonah: [as 'Movie Sign' blares] Oh! We have Movie Sign; come on, we've got to go! [back in the theater] Jonah: [to Servo] What was all that about? Servo: That wasn't us. The Beast of Hollow Mountain (movie) Jonah: Oh that's so thoughtful, the cantina leaves a rock for your child to sit on while you're in the bar drinking. Crow: Oh way better than sitting in a car listening to the radio. [Pancho stumbles outside] Jonah [as Pancho]: [slurring] Kick me out of the Cantina? Greedo shot first, you all saw it! Crow [as Pancho]: [slurring] I told you we'd have fun on your birthday! Pancho: [drunk] You're not mad at me, are you? Servo [as Panchito]: Oh Father, I stopped getting mad a long time ago. [as Enrique approaches Jimmy and Don] Don Pedro: The drought is shrinking the swamp again this year, from what the natives tell me. Jimmy Ryan: I know, I've been there. Servo [as Jimmy]: Girlfriend. Don Pedro: Whenever that happens, there are always strange tales of men and animals disappearing. Enrique: [in a heavy American Accent] Speaking of disappearing... Crow [as Enrique]: Has anyone seen my accent? Enrique: Why don't you disappear back to Texas where you came from? Jonah [as Jimmy]: I'm from Connecticut! [as Jimmy fights with Enrique] Servo [as Jimmy]: For the last time! [synchronizes with each punch] Coldplay! Isn't! That! Bad! Enrique: What am I supposed to think when I see my fianceé in the arms of another man?! Sarita: If I were interested in another man, I surely would not ride with him into the center of the plaza where everyone could see us! Enrique: But they did see! Sarita: What they saw was the very little trust that you have in me! Fighting in the streets! Just because the Americano was gentleman enough to ride me home when my horse ran away! Jonah: Ooh... Enrique: It is only... only because I love you so much. I can't bear the thought of... Servo [as Enrique]: Haggis. Ugh. Enrique: Sarita, forgive me. When a man is in love, he is not... not himself. Crow [as Enrique]: He is another, stupider man. Crow: Wow, Machu Picchu! Servo: Machu Picchu is in Peru. Crow: Huh, so they filmed this movie in Peru? [Servo lunges at Crow but Jonah holds him back] Servo: [angrily] Would you just-?! Ohh! Jonah: [as Jimmy rides his horse through a cemetery] Oh man, Jimmy, this is a sacred place! You're riding on an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay a day and has no control of its bowels! Do the math! I'm turning this off! Servo: You can't, we tried that. Crow: Yeah, we're made out of those special parts. Jonah: Yeah, if you punch and shoot at the same time, it adds speed to the bullet. Panchito: Señor Jimmy! Señor Felipe! My papa did not come back from the swamp! Jonah, Crow, and Servo: Second act twist! [when the film's titular beast; a claymation Tyrannosaurus Rex, finally appears] Crow: I want to register a complaint for what I feel was a misleading use of the word "beast", which led me to assume it would be hairier. Perhaps a yeti or, given the setting, a chupacabra. Servo: You weren't expecting a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur? Crow: No, I was not. Jonah: You could start a drinking game for every time you see a horse's butt in this movie. Servo: What do you call it? Jonah: I don't know. "Pancho"? Crow: And then your kids could play the game of "Panchito", which is when they beg you to stop. [as Jimmy fires upon the dinosaur] Servo: [singing in the melody of the MST3K Theme] But the cowboy didn't like him, so he shot him in the face. Crow: Meta! Starcrash Starcrash (movie) Woman on PA System: Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. Gypsy [as the Woman]: Your Hot Pocket is ready. Crow: [looking at a space landscape full of different colored stars] Some people just don't know when to take down their Christmas lights. Thor: You can drop the rifle ray. Servo [as Stella]: My name's not Ray, it's Stella! Jonah: I feel like I'm watching a community theater production of Guardians of the Galaxy. [as the ship goes into hyperspace] Crow: Are we in hyperspace, or are we looking at a screensaver? Atkon: It's here on the third planet of the next solar system. Stella: I've never been there. Servo [as Stella]: And my birthday's coming up. Hint, hint. Stella: What's it like? Atkon: Red fogs, high winds, low gravity. Crow [as Stella]: Oh, it's like Delaware. Atkon: And the atmospheric conditions are stable. However, the entire planet is covered with ice and snow. Crow [as Stella]: Like Delaware. Atkon: And you must be extremely careful when the sun sets. The temperature drops thousands of degrees, and in an instant, everything freezes over. Crow, Servo, and Jonah: Like Delaware! Thor: Say goodbye! [fires his laser gun at Atkon with no effect on Atkon; the lasers are very low quality] What??? Jonah [as Akton]: Your crappy effects are powerless against me. [as Stella and Simon fight off a mob of cavemen] Jonah: Actual footage of David Hasselhoff at Comic-Con. Crow [as Stella]: These cavemen have kinky little skirts. It's fun! [Akton appears, and summons a laser sword weapon] Jonah: Oh, well now they're just openly ripping off Spaceballs. ... Servo [as Akton]: Thank God for my completely original weapon: the illumination sword! Simon: Let's go board your ship, and continue on at once. Akton: There's no need to continue. Crow: Because the budget just ran out. The end! Let's go guys! The Land That Time Forgot The Land That Time Forgot (movie) [as someone throws a canister into the sea] Crow: It's a can of spring snakes. Servo: That's beautiful. Just to set a prank adrift in the world and hope it brightens some stranger's day. Crow: Or gives them a heart attack. Bowen Voiceover: I do not expect anyone to believe the story I'm about to relate. Jonah [as Bowen]: So never mind. Freidrich: Prepare to surface. Dietz: Jawohl, Kapitän. Crow: Ugh, the realtor described this place as cozy. Friedrich: Up periscope. Officer: Up periscope! Servo [as Friedrich]: Klaus, stop copying me. Jeez, every time... [as the Periscope is brought up, and Friedrich wipes it down] Jonah [as Friedrich]: Guys, what is my rule? If you're going to use my periscope, you had to wipe it off after. Come on! Crow: This kaleidoscope sucks. There's no colors. Friedrich: Thick fog. Perfect cover for us. Down periscope. Officer: Down periscope! Servo [as Friedrich]: Klaus, what did I just talk to you about?! Crow [as Klaus]: Sorry, mein Kapitän. Friedrich: Both engines full ahead. Officer: Both engines full ahead! Jonah [as Friedrich]: Klaus! Friedrich: Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area. Servo: He said "area". Friedrich: And we should rendezvous within the hour. Crow [as Friedrich]: Or the pizza's free. Friedrich: And you, Commander will be transferred to her, and shot as a pirate. Crow: Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrrrgh"? Jonah: Nope. Crow: Someday the whole show will be like this. [while Bowen fights a Plesiosaur] Servo: So that creature's probably endangered, right? Crow: Oh yeah, for sure. Last of its kind, a priceless treasure, his sweat cures cancer, blah blah blah. KILL IT! KILL IT! [while the crew battle two Allosaurus; one of them puts away his rifle and pulls out a pistol] Crow: Oh good, a smaller gun. And if that doesn't work, you can throw your shoes at him. [while the expedition journeys through the jungle] Crow: Are we there yet? Jonah: Please don't. Crow: Are we there yet? Jonah: Crow, stop! Crow: Are we there yet? Jonah: Crow, I swear, I will turn this movie RIGHT AROUND! [in an overly long scene where Bowen and Friedrich stalk a styracosaurus] Jonah: If this takes any longer, the dinosaurs are gonna evolve into birds and fly away. The Loves of Hercules Kinga: Your experiment is a pecs-and-princess epic starring Jayne Mansfield, Jayne Mansfield's husband, and the rest of Jayne Mansfield. Max: It stinks like feta cheese! The Loves of Hercules (movie) Jonah: [as Hercules struggles to pick up a log] Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing. [Hercules struggles to gain balance] Crow, Servo, and Jonah: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Servo [as Hercules]: Oh, this is heavier than I thought! Okay, coming through! [grunt] Man carrying entire tree! Look out! Oooh, this is heavy. Oooh this hurts! Oooh, I didn't anticipate this! [after Hercules breaks down a barricaded door] Crow [as Hercules]: [Italian accent] I haved breakededed the door! [as Deianira changed behind a pink sheet] Jonah: Why is she standing behind a giant napkin? Servo: Ooooh... Crow: Oh, it's hanky panky. [the bots attempt to peek behind the sheet] Jonah: Hey hey hey hey, Servo get down from there! Crow, get over here! [Deianira puts a robe on] Servo: Yeah, there's the robe. Forget it. Jonah: How was it though? Crow: Terrible. She wasn't even wearing any underwear. [a shot of a supposed to be threatening bull, but the bull just looks peaceful] Crow: Oh yeah, that bull's got murder in his big, dewy eyes. [as Deianira faints after Hercules kills the bull] Servo [as Deianira]: I haven't fainted in nearly ten minutes. Hercules: Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always mine. Crow: Stalker alert. Achelous Let me thank you for having saved the life of my wife-to-be. [Hercules looks stunned] Servo: Buffering. Jonah: Processing. Crow: Compiling. Hercules: What? Jonah: Download complete. [Hercules looks stunned again] Servo: Buffering. Jonah: Processing. Crow: Compiling. Hercules: But then you- Jonah: Download complete. [as Hercules fights Achelous] Crow [as Hercules]: Now bow down to my tiny nipple. [as Philoctetes rides into a landscape with colorful smoke] Servo: He seems to have ridden into some kind of promotion for Mountain Dew Mist. Jonah: See that pink smoke? Nowadays, all this would just be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and steril. Crow: Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest. Jonah: Right. ... Crow: How do you get pink smoke? Servo: That's easy, you crash a Mary Kay cosmetics car. [as Hercules clumsily fights a Hydra puppet] Crow [as the director]: Okay, Mickey, let's try this again. As you know, we've only got one Hydra, so please don't damage it. Remember, we're doing pickup shots with the extra tomorrow. If you must stab it, only use the marked plunge points, and the rest of the time, only light taps please, with the flat side of the sword like we discussed. Thank you. Jonah: I feel like I'm watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios. Servo: I know this is a Hercules movie, but this Hercules just doesn't seem that strong at all. [as Hercules struggles in battle against the hydra] Crow: Hey, I've got an idea, maybe the weapons were laying around, because they were INEFFECTIVE??? Come on, man! I fall over in disgust. Yongary: Monster from the Deep Yongary, Monster from the Deep (movie) [as the film opens with a couple newlyweds] Servo: Wait, it's over? Did we just skip to the end of the movie? [as a car drives down the center of a highway, not in an exact lane] Crow: The center lane is for newlyweds only. Out of the way! Servo: This is simultaneously the most and least responsible driving I have ever seen. Ilo: I think I know what's going on. Come on out. Groom: Who are you talking to? Ilo: Come on out of there, Icho! Gypsy: Wait, his name is Icho, and he makes people itch? Glad his name isn't Poo-O. Jonah: Okay, Gypsy... Groom: [when the bride wakes him up] Huh. I must have dozed. Servo: This is all part of his elaborate love play. Groom: Boy, I’m really tired tonight. Bride: You can sleep afterward. Crow: After what, Jonah? Jonah: D- Don’t worry about it. Crow: Okay. Groom: You’re not going to be a nagging wife now, are you, my dear? Servo [as the Groom]: That’s not what I’m into. Bride: I bore you already. Looks like our marriage is doomed. Groom: No. Jonah [as the Groom]: Yes.. Groom: That happens whenever I get married. Servo: “Whenever???” ... Groom: Hey, sweetheart... Jonah [as the Groom]: Hey, you think we can tell each other our names now? Servo: [looking on a model center in the film] This must be Shining Time Station’s military industrial complex. [as a buzzer begins to sound in the film] Jonah: We got movie sign! [Jonah and the Bots get excited and begin to run out of the theater, before quickly realizing the buzzer is in the film and return to their seats] Jonah: Oh, that was... Crow: Whoops, that was embarrassing! Jonah: Yeah, sorry about that. [during an earthquake] Jonah: Oh this is it, the big one's hitting! [freaking out] Gypsy, initiate panic mode! [Jonah and the Bots scream and run around in place] Gypsy: [dropping down] Guys, settle down, it's not even a convincing earthquake scene! Looks like your weird uncle's train set! [an earthquake hits, and mountains smoke] Jonah: Yeah, that's just North Korea. They do that... a lot. [as Yongary emerges from the ground] Police Officer: Yongary's coming out! Crow: Hey, good for Yongary! Ilo's Mother: Please don't go, Ilo. Ilo: Don't you worry. I have to go. I'll be alright. Icho: I'll go too. Jonah [as Icho]: Death and destruction are my jam. Whee! Suna & Ilo's Mother: Icho! Icho! No, come back, please! Crow [as Icho]: You suck, and this place sucks, and I'm leaving! [at a sock hop; a teenager prays while another pours beer on his head] Servo [as Praying Teen]: Please Lord, make the jukebox play my song before Yongary crushes us. Jonah: I'm just amazed at how much beer is in that bottle. It's still going! Ilo: Hello, I'm professor Ilo Nami. I've got to get a closer look at Yongary. Will you please let me in? Soldier: You got here a bit too late. Crow [as Soldier]: He's dead. Movie's over. Soldier: They're going to hit Yongary any minute. Servo [as Soldier]: We're just waiting for the shockwave. Soldier: They'll be using guided missiles. Jonah: Sergeant Loose Lips right here. Soldier: You better go. Servo [as Ilo]: Um, we're not going. Soldier: They're going to hit Yongary any minute. Crow: Did they hit a glitch in the Matrix? Soldier: They'll be using guided missiles. Jonah [as Soldier]: Go. I'm out of dialogue! Soldier: You better go. Suna: Missiles? Really? Servo: Yeah! Any minute! Wizards of the Lost Kingdom Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (movie) [as the title card appears] Jonah: How do you lose a whole kingdom? Crow: Check in the car! Did you guys leave it in the car? [when it's revealed that James Horner composed the film's score] Jonah: James Horner?! Crow: Ah, yes. Braveheart, Aliens, Avatar, and this movie. Servo: Yeah, when Cameron was scoring Titanic, he said, "I want that Wizards of the Lost Kingdom sound." [as Simon watches his father battle Shurka via a reflection in water] Crow: It's streaming video. Get it? Servo: Jiffy Pop helmet, save me! Servo: [as Kor walks away from Simon and Gulfax] This is where Kor's theme song comes in. [starts singing] They call me Kor the Conquerer I thought I could conquer anything But ever since I met that boy I've found out I'm not worth a thing That's just par for the Kor That's just par They call me Kor! [after Simon casts a spell which destroys the pool, in which Shurka was watching him in an explosion] Jonah: Whoa! A real on-camera explosion, no digital effects! Shurka: Damn him! [continues angrily screaming] He has beaten me this time; Bombinooooo! Jonah: See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt. This is a real outtake. Crow: Oh wow! Simon: What is it? Kor: Riders, coming this way! Jonah: Writers? They'll fix the script! [as Simon resurrects the dead] Jonah: [as Simon] I just remembered, I'm an overpriviledged wuss! [Shurka attempts to seduce Princess Aura] Shurka: You have spirit. Jonah: [as Shurka] Yes you do. Shurka: I like that. Jonah: [as Shurka] How about you? Hurla: Your greatest test is yet to come. Gulfax must stay here while you face it, but I have a plan. We'll join you later when you need us most. Crow: That's not a plan. Simon: But I can't. Hurla: Nothing in this world is certain. If you survive, we will join you. Servo [as Hurla]: And if you don't, I promise to come to your funeral wearing a new white fur coat. Jonah [as Waldorf]: I just realized why they called it a suicide cave! Servo [as Statler]: Why's that? Jonah [as Waldorf]: Because I want to kill myself! [Servo and Jonah laugh like Statler and Waldorf] Jonah [as Waldorf]: I'm depressed... Crow [as the Crypt-Keeper]: Welcome to Suicide Cavern! People are just dying to get in here. [evil laugh] Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]: Watch out for the stalag-fright! [cackles] Crow [as the Crypr-Keeper]: Be careful so you don't go batty! [wicked laugh] Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]: Here, let me give you a... hand! Jonah: Okay, that's it. I'm calling a moratorium on the Crypt-Keeper impressions. Crow & Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]: Oooh! A crematorium! [wicked laughing] [Jonah gets annoyed, and grabs Crow and Servo, and crashes them into each other] Crow: Oof! Servo: Ow! [when Simon and Kor come upon a large dirty waterfall landscape] Crow: This is where the runoff goes from Wonka's Chocolate Factory. [while Simon and Shurka duel each other in magic] Servo: So how come wizards have such terrible aim? Jonah: Must be all that extra fabric in their sleeves. Throws off their movements. Crow: Come on, wizards are the nerds of the fantasy world. Clearly, they all need glasses, but glasses haven't been invented yet. Servo: Well you'd think they'd have a spell to make their eyesight better. Crow: Yeah, well clearly they don't, because their aim is so bad. Jonah: [as the credits begin rolling] Oh, how nice. And King Simon reigns in peace and wisdom. Servo: [laughs sarcastically] You seriously believe that? You know he's gonna make a bloody purge of the remaining Shurka loyalists. Crow: Oh, he has to. Of course, the paranoia that more remain will drive him mad. Servo: Oh, leaving him open to his prudish wife's incredibly strict religious beliefs. Crow: Yeah, leading him to install a ruthless theocracy in which thousands are slain by agents of the inquisition. Jonah: I mean, are you sure he can't just grow up to be a wise, old, merry king? Servo: Open your eyes, Jonah! Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Crow: Before long, even his closest friend Gulfax will have joined the rebellion. Servo: Hurla, that wily political operater will switch sides. Crow: And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle can begin anew. Servo: [sighs] A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same. Jonah: You guys are making me feel sick. Servo: It's called reality, Jonah. Learn to live with it. Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II (movie) Caedmon: I don't know why they give such an important quest to a powerless, has-been wizard. Jonah: Someone's been reading the comment section on his blog posts. Jonah: Guys, I never thought I’d miss Simon and Kor so badly. [as Tyor is entranced by a female dancer] Tyor: She's beautiful, master! So delicate! [she punches one of the patrons] Crow [as Tyor]: She's her own bouncer! Tyor: So strong! Caedmon: Time to go, Tyor. Tyor: But, master! Caedmon: Time to go, Tyor! Tyor: But, master! Jonah [as Caedmon]: Time to go, Tyor!!! Tyor: Isn't the arts part of my education? Caedmon: Absolutely not! Servo [as Caedmon]: The state cut arts funding! Crow: So it's basically rock-paper-scissors. Fire destroys amulet. Amulet freezes legs. Legs stomp out fire. Yeah. Tyor: You will no longer breathe the air of a free man. [Loki laughs] Servo: Robert Blake in Lost Highway. Tyor: By the amulet's power, I turn you into stone! Jonah: He's making all this up as he goes along. Tyor: Oomen, kauai, tenk! Servo [as Loki]: Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of Caroline in the City. [Loki is turned to stone] Jonah: Alright, take him to Jabba. Tyor: Now his garden is complete. Crow: YEEEAAAH!!! CSI: Miami! [as two thieves engage in a fight, and one begins to attack using the exact same move] Servo [as thief]: Prepare for my overhand! [attack is blocked] Crow [as thief]: Or how about my overhand! [attack is blocked again] Jonah [as thief]: No? Well try my OVERHAND! [blocked again] Crow, Servo, and Jonah: OVERHAND! [blocked] OVERHAND! [blocked] Servo [as thief]: You defeated my overhand, sir knight, but can you handle— [bandit uses the same attack again] PSYCH! Overhand! [blocked again] Donar: [capturing Freyja] Who gave him the sword? Jonah [as Donar]: And where's your hall pass? Donar: You die with the dawn. Freyja: He had a knife at my neck, I made no promises, I said I'd try! Now leave me alone, I have a horrible headache! Crow: We all do, trust us. Tyor: [as Tyor begins to untie Freyja] If I take you with me, what do I get? Freyja: [seductively] Anything. Servo [as Tyor]: Can I keep these cool rubber snakes? Tyor: That's what I was afraid of. [music cue] Jonah [as Tyor]: The band is illustrating my sexual confusion. Carnival Magic Carnival Magic (movie) [as the title card partially appears] Servo: Hey title, don't go away. We just got to know you! Crow: Carnival? Like in Rio? Oh. [the word "Magic" begins to slowly reveal itself one letter at a time] Servo: Carnival Man. Jonah: Carnival Magnum, P.I. Servo: Off the O. Henry story. Crow: Oh, Carnival Magi- oh, Carnival Magic, I knew it the whole time, guys. [Missy O'Shea is credited as "The girl in the car"] Crow: Lots of girls in this movie, but only Missy O'Shea is in the car. [Markov walks alone, talking to something offscreen, seemingly looking at Servo] Markov: Now stop playing this is serious. Servo: I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. Markov: I can't spend all my time looking after you and worrying about what you're doing. Servo: When you're right, you're right. Markov: This isn't the first time it's happened, you know. Servo: We agreed not to talk about that. Markov: You just... you just won't be quiet, you think everyone's your friend because you trust so much. Servo: I blame Facebook. Markov: We can try to stay clear of people, but... Servo: They're everywhere, right? Markov: ... in time, they'll come into our lives and nothing will ever be the same again. Servo: You mean when we ride the comet? Markov: You know, I need time to myself too, you know. Servo: Of course, master. Forgive me. Markov: But you make noises so loud, everyone thinks I'm hiding a monster. Servo: Again, let me apologize, I stepped out of line, and I'm sorry. Markov: People are suspicious of things they don't understand. Servo: Right, like the thing with the chicken. Markov: And that's why I'm hiding you. Servo: That makes sense, master. Let me go prepare your chamber. Markov: But it's very hard to keep the world out. Servo: I understand. We're all waiting for the day of the great translargement. It's going to be glorious. [returns to his seat] Crow: What was that all about? Servo: Hell if I know. Markov: He's got Kirk. Bud: Kirk is not the answer anymore. Servo: Picard? Markov: Alex... Servo: I'll take "Potent Potables" for $200. Markov: ...when Sarah died, teaching you was all I had. It got me through. Jonah: What stage of grief is chimp-play? Markov: But we're broke... Crow [as Markov]: Your Beanie Baby obsession destroyed us. Markov: And we can't stay together if... I can't feed you. Jonah: Oh, I get it, circle of life. Man loses wife, teaches chimp to talk, joins low-ranked carnival, goes broke, man and chimp starve in a trailer, seen it a hundred times, really. Carnie: Okay okay okay, here's where you get the big one, one in, you win- how about you, sir? Three balls for fifty cents, by golly, here's where you win the big one, just one in, you take home a beautiful goldfish. Everybody plays it! Come on in, sir, wait a minute, step right inside, sir... Jonah [as Toby Radloff/Comic Book Guy]: Uh, no. As a nerd, I do not partake in games of chance. I understand they are rigged in favor of the carnival against the laws of probability. On the other hand, I do need a new pair of belly-high pants. Oh no, I've attracted a crowd, the pressure's on... [as Crow and Servo ogle a pair of scantily-clad dancing women] Jonah: Come on, guys. That's not cool. Crow: But you dance all the time! Jonah: That's my private time, and- I- I didn't know you could see that either, okay?! [Alex goes into an unlocked car, and a girl is seen sleeping in the back] Servo: Why it's Missy O'Shea, the girl in the car! [Alex starts the car up] Jonah: Grand Theft Auto: Chimp City. Servo: Forget about that. Where's Missy O'Shea?! Crow: Guys, let's not jump to any conclusions. Sure she's a girl in a car, but is she the girl in the car? [Alex has stolen a car and run a police car off the road, getting it stuck in the grass] Jonah: Police cars don't work on grass! Servo: Unless you got powuh! [laughs goofily] [during a random car chase] Crow [as Officer 1]: Breaker, breaker, we got a Carnival Magic in progress. Servo [as Officer 2]: Uh, Carnival Magic? What's that? Crow [as Officer 1]: That's when a second-rate producer has access to a carnival, so he writes a script in three days and pays all his actors in beer and cheese sticks. Servo [as Officer 2]: Oh right, and he pads out the movie with footage of sad children and a car chase that does nothing to further the plot, but makes the movie long enough so that way he can run it in theaters. Crow [as Officer 1]: Uh-huh, and it gets buried in a vault for years until mad scientists make a TV show where they force poor jerks to watch it, thus giving it a second life its makers never truly intended. Servo [as Officer 2]: Yeah, exactly. Carnival Magic. Livingston: It's as if he's willing himself to die. Crow, Servo, and Jonah: We'll have what he's having! [as onscreen text announces a potential sequel] Jonah: Oh, More Carnival Magic? No! Servo: Oh yeah, Elvin Feltner produced a whole ton of Carnival Magic sequels, though when More Carnival Magic finally came out, it was titled 2 Magic 2 Carnival. Crow: Huge hit, but nothing compared to the conclusion of the original trilogy, Carnival Magic 3: Return of the Girl in the Car. Servo: Then Elvin Feltner kind of lost his way with the prequels. Alex was played by a CGI monkey instead of a real chimp. Crow: And nobody really wanted to know the story of how Markov met Alex, and how Stoney and Bud got their hats. Servo: They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that David spin-off movie when he went back home to save his dad's PR company from a hostile takeover by a bigger, eviler PR company. Crow: Oh yeah, the whole Carnival Magic shared cinematic universe. At that point, the whole Carnival Magic movies were just 90-minute advertisements for the Carnival Magic toy lines. Servo: But just when you thought the carnival magic was gone, they reboot the series with Carnival Magic Begins and remind America why it fell in love with talking chimps and greasy carnies in the first place. Jonah: I had no idea there were so many of these movies. Servo: Elvin Feltner asked America a simple question: why couldn't you turn a trailer park into a movie studio? Crow: And the answer was, people only want to spend so much time smack-dab in the path of a dangerous tornado lane. Servo: True, but there's still something inspiring about it. A man who said, "If I want to make a movie, I don't need big stars, or a lot of money, or talent, or taste, or a sense of basic human decency." Crow: "All I need is some trailers, an unsupervised primate, and a bunch of unemployed, locally salvaged almost actors." Jonah: Okay, now I think you're just being sarcastic. Servo: Unfortunately, Trailer Park Productions' other movies weren't nearly as successful. Crow: They tried a couple of disaster movies- Tornado, and The Night the Septic Tank Gave Out. Servo: And of course the romantic comedies Van Rockers, and Marriage Bed Above the Driver's Seat. Crow: I kind of liked the action movies he did: Maximum Towage. Servo: Oh, and don't forget his sci-fi epic Cosmic Winnebago of the Fourth Dimension. Jonah: Guys, were any of these movies real? Servo: Of course not, Jonah! Crow: I don't even think Carnival Magic was real, and we just watched it! Jonah: That's a good point. Did we really just watch a movie just now? The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Max: Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! Kinga: No, no! Knock it off! We're a binge-watching show. I mean, odds are, nobody's actually watching this on Christmas. The Christmas That Almost Wasn't (movie) [as the title card appears, and reads "Il Natale Che Quasi Non Fu"] Servo: Either the title card is in Italian, or we're getting nachos. Sam: I must be seeing things. Jonah: Charles Darwin? Sam: Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus. Servo [as Santa]: Are you saying I'm fat?! Santa: I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing. Sam: That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face! Crow [as Santa]: I'm off the clock. Sam: Now tell me. What's our pickle-faced friend got up his sleeve this year? Crow [as Sam]: Yeah, what's his dill? Sam: When's the rent due, Santa? Santa: Christmas Eve at midnight. Sam: Doesn't leave you much time, does it? Santa: That's why I came all the way down here to find you. Sam: Why me? I'm nobody special. Santa: Years ago when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter. Sam: So did a million other children. Santa: That's very true, but you see Sam, you're the only child who wrote me a letter after Christmas. You spelled "thank you" with two K's. [Sam begins laughing] Servo [as Sam]: Hahaha, I'm not obsessed with you! Sam: How much do you owe, Santa? Santa: Oh no, I couldn't... Sam: Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much? Santa: [handing him a piece of paper] Well, here's the rent bill. Jonah [as Sam]: This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it. Crow [as Sam]: 800 candy canes a day??? Sam: [perplexed] That much...? Servo [as Sam]: You're gonna need one hell of a GoFundMe page! ... [as Sam struggles to come up with funds for Santa's rent, only to find he's severely short] Sam: Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills. Servo: A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic. Sam: Money. Money, that's all this man seems to think about. Mr. Phineas T. Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money. Mr. Phineas middle initial T. Prune! Servo: The T stands for "the"? Sam: That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it?! Crow: [dramatic gasp] Prune: I object! Sam: Objection overruled! Crow: Man, North Korea has a more fair court system than this. [as Prune spies on Sam] Jonah: Someday, he'll just send a drone to do this. Suzy's Mother: But just you wait 'til I tell him about this! A real, honest-to-goodness Santa Claus, and in a department store! Jonah: What's next, cherry phosphates? Women driving cars? A Catholic in the White House??? [as a now reformed Prune runs out into the street] Prune: Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Jonah [as Prune]: Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?! Prune: Why? Why? [a passerby walks by] Merry Christmas! Passerby: Please, please sir, you'll catch cold! [another passerby walks by] Prune: Merry Christmas! Servo [as Passerby]: I think you mean "Happy Holidays". Prune: [singing] Why can't every day be Christmas? Jonah [as the other person] : I don't know! Prune: Why can't every day be gay? Crow: That's a loaded question. At the Earth's Core Kinga:It is the God-given right of every American woman to become a North Korean dictator on her wedding day! At the Earth's Core (movie) Crow: [upon seeing a stream locomotive] I wonder if the conductor is Ringo Starr or George Carlin. [as David and Dr. Abner explore the strange landscape] Dr. Abner Perry: What an extraordinary sky! David Innes: What a strange color, Doc. Dr. Abner: This cannot be the Rhondda Valley. Jonah: I think it's Tim Burton's backyard. [as Dr. Abner and David flee from a monster, which is an obvious greenscreen] Servo: We're being charged by a giant monster... movie! Dr. Abner: [about a Rhamphorhynchus] My goodness, how enormous. Why, the largest remains we ever discovered have never indicated a size much greater than that attained by an ordinary crow! Crow: [offended] Ah, that's it. I'm leaving. [Jonah pulls him back into his seat] Servo: Being a chivalrous gentleman, David traps his fellow slaves with their captors in a room full of lava.