Mystery Science Theater 3000/Season 6

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 Girls Town Girls Town (movie) [Regarding Mel Tormé...] Mike: Hit him! He'll cry! . . . Mike: He's like a youthful Jabba the Hutt. [After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff.] Mike Nelson [as Chip]: [screams, then pauses] Hey, look, a moral! [resumes screaming] . . . [Chip hits the ground and dies.] Servo [as Chip]: Uh... call me? . . . [Fred, played by Mel Tormé, hears the scream and sees Chip's date run away. He and his date head over to investigate.] Fred: Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip? Crow [as Chip's corpse]: Down here! I got a crick in my neck! . . . Fred: Chip, come on! Say something, Chip! Crow [as Chip's corpse]: "Wuh-aughhh!" . . . [Fred and his date find Chip's broken body at the bottom of the cliff.] Mike [as Chip's corpse]: Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well! [Over the opening title] Servo: Girls Town Boys' Club welcomes you to Girls Town. [A rumble breaks out. Big band music plays throughout.] Crow: Yes, it's teenage angst with Les Brown and his Band of Renown! . . . [A girl tries to break up a fight by putting a bucket on one boy's head] Mike [as boy]: You make sun go away. You are powerful. . . . [Silver hits Chip with a pie.] Servo: Fight choreography by Jimmy Ben Lasen. . . . [Two girls fight on the dock with oars.] Mike: And down goes Blaze! . . . Mike: This is why there's no alcohol at Euro Disney. . . . [A police car can be seen.] Mike [as policeman]: Nobody called us about the party. Over. [Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun] Mother Veronica: Wait for me, sister. Crow [as Mother Veronica]: If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it! [Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced Paul Anka).] Mr. Clyde: You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you? Servo: Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"! [Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with the father of her dead ex-boyfriend] Mr. Gardner: I'll never understand what my son saw in you. Silver: Oh, no? [turns to face him] Crow [as Silver]: Do these explain anything? [Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested Mamie Van Doren, steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.] Crow: Let's see, where should I be looking right now...? Silver: Any... studs around here? Serafina: Any what? Silver: Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags! Serafina: Only the gardeners. Crow [as Serafina]: And Father Fabio! [At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".] Jimmy: I'm just a lonely boy… Mike: Why does that not surprise me? [Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.] Servo: The music that rocked America… gently to sleep. [At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.] Mike: The Velvet Hog! [Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.] Servo [as Operator]: Girls Town, please hold. Servo [as Hold Music]: [singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"] Our father, who art in heaven… . . . Servo [as Operator]: All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. [Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.] Silver: Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ten times! I can't get anyone to answer! Crow [as Operator]: Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?! Silver: Maybe it's time you level with me. Crow [as Mary Lee]: You know how we're both hot? Mary Lee: Well, you remember the night you stood Chip up? Servo [as Mary Lee]: He died. Mary Lee: Well, he was real sore when he didn't find you... Servo [as Mary Lee]: And then he died. Mary Lee: ... and he asked me to go in his place. Servo [as Mary Lee]: And then I killed him and he died. Mary Lee: He always kept saying I was too young to go anyplace, so I went. Servo [as Mary Lee]: And I killed him and he got all dead! Silver: Oh, great. Mary Lee: It was fun at first when he only kissed me... Servo [as Mary Lee]: He wasn't then. Mary Lee: But then he... Servo [as Mary Lee]: ...died. Mary Lee: ... he started... Servo [as Mary Lee]: ... being killed by me... Mary Lee: ... getting too fresh and I ran away. Chip caught me and tried to throw me down on the ground... Servo [as Mary Lee]: Right before he got dead. Mary Lee: And then... Servo [as Mary Lee]: He died. Mary Lee: Rocks slipped out from under his feet... Servo [as Mary Lee]: And then he became killed. Mary Lee: He fell... Servo [as Mary Lee]: And he died. Silver: So that's how they found my lipstick in his car! But where'd his friend come in? Servo [as Mary Lee]: He's not dead! Mary Lee: He saw it happen. Servo [as Mary Lee]: He died. Mary Lee: He thought it was you at first... Servo [as Mary Lee]: And then he died. Mary Lee: ...until he saw me again. Servo [as Mary Lee]: And I killed him. Silver: And all the time, you've been letting me sit here in jailsville! Mary Lee: [sobbing] I'm sorry, Silver, I tried to tell you the first time I came here! Crow [as Mary Lee]: [exaggerated sobbing] I TRIED TO TELL YOU THE FIRST TIME I CAME HERE!!! Silver: It's all over the dam... Mike [as Silver]: I just can't believe you went out with Chip! [Silver begins laughing] Mary Lee: What are you laughing at? Servo [as Silver]: Oh, something in Dilbert. Never mind. Silver: It's not over the dam, it's over the cliff! Funny, huh? Mike [as Silver]: Ah, well forget it. Mary Lee: I'm scared... Fred's trying to send me to Tijuana. Crow [as Mary Lee]: And trade me for a chicken. Silver: Tijuana?! Servo [as Mary Lee]: Maybe I can push Herb Alpert over a cliff... [The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop] Silver Morgan: Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy! Mike: Especially since he's thirty-eight! Invasion U.S.A. Gypsy: Mike, this sucks! Can we just eat? A Date with Your Family (short) Servo: The Woody Allen story! Mike: Hey, I like my family, as a friend! [Reading a list of names in the credits] Crow: All of who are orphans. [Brother looks inside a pot] Narrator: What's the matter? Servo [as Brother]: THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE! Crow [as Announcer]: We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee... Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. Mike [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. Mike [as Daughter]: Hi, Mom, I'm pregnant. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. Mike [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. Servo [as Narrator]: With strychnine! Crow [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves. Crow: But not these people. Crow [as Narrator]: What you are watching now should have been edited in the final version. My apologies. Narrator: They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him. Mike [as Narrator]: They're not, of course... [as the boys talk with their dad] Mike [as Junior]: Father, I had a feeling today. Servo [as Father]: Well don't, son. Mike [as Mother]: Hi, I'm Betty, and I'll be your wife tonight. [Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.] Narrator: Brother seats Junior... Crow [as Narrator]: Daughter obsesses with the flowers. Narrator: ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl. Mike [as Narrator]: The less said about this, the better. . . . Crow [as Narrator]: Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog... Servo [as Daughter]: Dad, I'm dating a Negro! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. Crow [as Father]: Please, God, take me now... [As Father begins passing food.] Servo: [in a British accent] Field Marshall Montgomery sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day... [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. Mike [as Daughter]: No, I— I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. Crow [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. Servo [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. Narrator: Father serves Mother first, then Daughter. Mike [as Narrator]: Let's go to the flowchart for this. . . . Crow [as Narrator]: And be sure to make a plate for the narrator. Servo [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Servo [as Narrator]: Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left. Narrator: No one starts eating until Father has served himself. Mike [as Narrator]: THIS MEANS YOU! Narrator: Always wait for the hostess... Servo [as Narrator]: to seat you. Narrator: ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start. Mike [as Narrator]: Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him! Crow [as Father]: I'm moving to Fire Island, dear. Narrator: Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is. Mike [as Narrator]: ...even as you gag on it. [Brother gives the "okay" sign.] Servo [as Brother]: This stinks! Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. Mike [as Narrator]: …than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. Crow [as Narrator]: …and they already dislike you enough. [Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.] Mike [as Father]: Well, there it is. Spankings all around, then. Servo: Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? Mike [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. Servo [as Narrator]: ...and control and repression. [As the short ends] Crow: You know, this makes me want to heat up a Libbyland frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV! Servo [as Announcer]: Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby! Mike: [waves goodbye] Bye-bye, everyone. Crow: A Simmel-Mervay release. Invasion U.S.A. (movie) [Over the opening credits...] Mike: Starring these people and Chuck Norris. . . . [The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen] Crow: What, me direct? Pilot: Control tower, request landing instructions. Tom Servo [as flight controller]: [irate] Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?! Carla: [about her work at the blood bank] We set a record today. Vince: You set a record with me a long time ago. Mike [as Vince]: God, I'm smooth. ["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.] Sylvester: Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. [...] Finished with your drink? Carla: Yes, but I— Vince: I'll take care of her. Sylvester: Is that the way you want it? Servo [as Carla]: [suggestively] Vince and I are gonna make our own tank parts. The Dead Talk Back [Doing a fire drill on the SOL] Crow: There really is no place to go! Mike: Well, still. We gotta meet code. Gypsy: No talking in line! Dr. Forrester: [playing as hard-boiled detective and attempting to interrogate Mike] Hello, Nelson. Say, y'know, I kinda like this movie. I'm intrigued by the whole interrogation idea. So siddown! I wanna ask you a few questions! If you are who you say you are. And I wanna know what you did and what happened. No hurry; we've got all the time in the world. Frank: [suddenly shouting] I did it! I did it! I did it!! Dr. Forrester: Did what, Frank? Frank: Everything! I shot J.R! I killed that fat barkeep! I ate all the Frusen Glädjé! And y'know what? I'm glad I did it! Glad, I tell ya! Glad!! [maniacal laughter] The Selling Wizard (short) [The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"] Mike: Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo! [As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one] Narrator: You, the ice cream manufacturer. Crow: Up against the wall! Spread 'em! Narrator: You... Mike: Me? Narrator: ...the frozen food distributor. Servo: Ben and Jerry before Woodstock. Narrator: And you, the food retailer. Crow [as announcer]: These three people will square off against— Narrator: Yes, today's problem is merchandising... Mike: Over three kinds of vanilla! Narrator: ...to sell in high volume, for high profit. Crow: For high people. [Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes] Narrator: Frozen products are impulse items... Servo: I'll take it, I'll take it! Narrator: And impulse buying is primarily... Mike: Women's fault. [The stack suddenly drops] Narrator: ...an emotional decision. Crow: The market crashed! [Showing an artist designing a ice cream package] Narrator: Manufacturers spend millions on package design. Servo [as Narrator]: Yet, this is the result. [As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".] Narrator: Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard. [The lights go on] Servo: Are we in heaven? Crow: [as the lights finish] Rip-off! Mike: It's a little big; I just want a hotplate! Narrator: And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard? Servo: Bosoms! Narrator: Sales appeal styling. Crow: Or "S. A. S." [Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer] Narrator: One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling. Servo: Just one glance, don't look back. [Noticing a box in the freezer] Mike: This is frozen cotton? Narrator: And notice how these convenient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range. Servo: GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME! Narrator: They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabinet capacity. Crow: But don't put your tongue on it! [The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams] Crow: Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee. Narrator: Gentlemen! If you please! Mike [as Narrator]: You filthy degenerates! [The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer] Narrator: Yes, on every count... Mike [as Narrator]: Guilty! Servo: Next step, open a grocery store. Mike: This freezer rules! [Showing how a forced-air conditioner works] Narrator: This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet... Mike: ...makes no sense. . . . Crow: (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car. . . . Mike: (singing) And it comes out here... . . . Servo: WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?! Narrator: Every cabinet designed with your needs in mind. Crow: But I need a stove. Narrator: In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity... Mike [as Narrator]: Bodies stack easily. Narrator: Once again, outstanding features that Anheuser... [film skip] ...that make for a real selling wizard. Mike [as Woody Allen]: Y'know, I think I'll just buy a thermos. Narrator: Sales appeal styling. [Servo and Mike start humming Holiday for Strings] Narrator: The kind of design that beckons customers to see and reach for frozen products. Crow [as Professor E.C. Buehler, from Speech: Using Your Voice]: Plenty of lip and tongue action. Narrator: Space saving capacity, that gives maximum storage and selling use of every inch of space. Mike: Meanwhile, the Soviets were launching Sputnik. [Over the "The End" card] Servo [as Ed McMahon]: And remember to buy Ed McMahon's Budweiser ice cream. All: Hi-yo! Mike: Leni Riefenstahl's most powerful film. Servo: Hi-yo! The Dead Talk Back (movie) Crow: [as a TV announcer] Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp. [During a night scene illuminated by a single dim spot light:] Crow: The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights. Servo [as cinematographer]: C'mon, Merle! I only got two more D-cells left! Mike: Probably blew their budget on those bongo players. I just said a lot of B's. [As a driver tries unsuccessfully to start their car] Crow: With 34 cylinders, the cars of yesteryear were impossible to flood. Servo: She's flooding the radio. [As a man in a trench coat runs towards the car] Mike: And Creepy Triple-A is there. Crow [as driver]: Maybe this isn't my car. Servo: Geez, not since Moonraker has there been an exciting opening sequence. [Krasker introduces himself] Krasker: Have you been hearing some weird stories recently? Servo [as Krasker]: About Chuck Berry? Krasker: About telepathy? Crow: I knew you were going to say that. Krasker: The fourth dimension? Servo: Or Marilyn McCoo? Krasker: Or ghosts? Mike: Hmm, no, it doesn't ring a bell. We must have the wrong movie. Krasker: The case that I'm working on at the present time involves a little of each. Crow: Hang on a sec here, I've got this one thing. Krasker: Me? Mike: You? Krasker: Who am I? Servo [as Krasker]: Frankly I've forgotten. Krasker: I'm a private investigator. Criminology is my hobby. Crow [as Krasker]: I sell parts of my record collection to make ends meet. I also manage a bowling alley... Oh, look, I'm kind of between projects at the moment. [softly] Mike, help me! Krasker: My philosophy? Servo [as Krasker]: Lots of leather. Krasker; Metaphysics. What is metaphysics? Mike [as Krasker]: It's really hard. Krasker: There's a long, complicated explanation to that question. Servo: [sarcastically] Which he'll be happy to give us. Krasker: Wouldn't it be fantastic... to be able to speak to someone who has just passed over? Servo: Quit squirming. Krasker: Why just think! We could find lost articles... Servo [as Krasker]: Coupons! Krasker: Treasures... Gold mines... Crow [as Krasker]: You're not buying any of this, are you? Krasker: We could even solve murders... by just contacting the murdered. Mike [as Krasker]: I'm so lonely... [sobs] [Krasker switches on his radio for talking to the dead:] Krasker: It takes a while for... temperature attunement. Crow: Uh-huh... Servo: Yeah. Krasker: Warming up. Crow: Sure. Krasker: We'll try it again later. Crow [as Krasker]: Are you wearing corduroy? 'Cause that affects the radio, you know. You should also wash your hair a lot so the vibrations work. Mike [as Krasker]: This's gonna take a while; you wanna hang out? We could play air hockey, but we'd have to be kinda quiet 'cause my dad works third shift... Krasker: The problem of communicating with the... departed... Servo [as Krasker]: Is that they're dead. [A large, full bookshelf stands against the far wall:] Mike [as officer]: Ya look at that? All the books Joyce Carol Oates published last month. [Close-up of crossbow being fired] Servo: [singing] Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart! [After discarding a pair of shoes, a suspect drives off in a 1960's Volkswagen Bug:] Servo [as suspect]: The heater never works in this thing. Starts well, though... Crow: One thing about this getaway? Great gas mileage. Servo: Zero to sixty... in about an hour. [There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack] Servo: Is someone purring? [Crow looks around for a bit] [Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass as a "receiver"] Krasker: Tell us who you are. It's important that we know. Mike: To talk to the dead, press one. If you'd like the Ethereum, the Imperium, or the Emerald Beyond, please hold. Woman: I can't hear it clearly— Servo: That's because it's a RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!! [Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance] Crow [as Krasker/Bill Cosby]: And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was split! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim... [the horn that is part of Krasker's machine for the seance blares, startling Mike and the bots] Servo: Oh, my ride's here! Crow: Reneé('s spirit) must love Jesus. [During the end credits] Crow: Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead! Zombie Nightmare Gypsy: I used to like you when you were a Caped Crusader, even better than Darth Vader. But then you were the best, but now you are like all the rest. That's all, so see you later. Zombie Nightmare (movie) [The opening credits identify the heavy metal bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: Motorhead...] Servo: Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of Cole Porter tunes! [...Girlschool...] Crow: Uh, that's Womanschool? [...Thor...] Servo: [lisping] Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth. [...Deathmask...] Mike: Oh, Deathmask! They played at my parents' anniversary party! [...and Fist.] Servo: And I saw Fist when they opened for Badfinger! [Before the car hits Tony] Servo: Don't worry, his area will protect him! [Tony gets hit by car] Servo: ...Or not. [After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.] Mike [as one of the teens]: I think we hit a moose! Crow [as one of the teens]: [hysterical] C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!! [As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body] Crow: There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road! Dead boy! [Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim] Bobby: Hey, what's the matter? Mike [as Jim]: This Kansas song just makes me so sad! Jim: What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream! [Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building] Crow [as Tony]: Must... register... for... semester! . . . [The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic metallic clanging noises.] Servo: Damn radiator! Crow: Soundtrack by John Cage. [Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light] Servo: The dead Zone is for loading and unloading only... [When Adam West first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar] Servo [as Batman TV announcer]: What's this? [Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.] Crow: Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was Tim Burton. Det. Sorrell: [on the issue of Bobby's murder] The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it! Capt. Churchman: Maybe James Earl has a great batting average. Servo: But it's the R.B.Is that count, isn't it? [Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing] Crow: Y'know, ironically, they were only able to bust the zombie for tax evasion! [chuckles] [As a car backs up, turns around and drives away] Servo: Hal Needham was brought in to direct this scene. [The car drives off the screen.] Servo: And that's it. Colossus and the Headhunters Colossus and the Headhunters (movie) [Our hero Maciste (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.] Servo [as Maciste]: I leave you alone for one hour—! Ariel: What is your name? Maciste: Maciste, and yours? Crow: [holding back laughter] Cheesesteak? [The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft] Crow: Hmm... the camera operator is indulging himself here... [After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.] Crow: Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time! Maciste: Land! Land! Servo [as Maciste]: It would be really great if we found some land! Mike [as Maciste]: It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry. [Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.] Crow: [snickering] Luckily, this was before death had been invented. [Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.] Crow [as Maciste]: [wearily] Hey, look, my island blew up! [Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.] Servo: Oh no! It's a horrible drop into... [They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.] Servo: Oh. Heh. . . . [More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.] Servo [as soldier]: Hey, this is fun! Whoopee! Mike: And thus, synchronized swimming was invented! [The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.] Kermes: The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance. Mike: Pssh! He's talking about fragile shoulders. Kermes: Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty... Servo: And pants! Kermes: And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess. Crow: Well, at least you're not pompous. . . . Kermes: That is why you and I will rule together with me as your... Servo: Dun-dun-dun! Kermes: ...advisor. Crow: Huh?! . . . [Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.] Mike [as Kermes]: Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it! Crow: Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot? [A fight scene has broken out.] Mike: Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it? [Queen Amoa demands that a dance be performed before her wedding as a stalling tactic... and the dance is really, really bad.] Servo: Now this will anger the gods! . . . [The not very good dance goes on and on.] Mike: So... the director has a girlfriend. Crow: Apparently! . . . Crow: This is history's first awkward moment. Mike: [dramatically] For the first time, people don't know where to look. . . . Crow [as the blind King]: I think it's pretty good! [The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village—and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.] Mike: Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner! [The effeminate villain, Kermes, drops a portcullis to trap Maciste.] Mike [as Kermes]: [Lisping.] I caught you, you bitch! [Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.] Mike [as Maciste]: Wow, those sharp things really work! . . . Servo: And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally does something! The Creeping Terror Crow: [while the crew indulges in a coffee shop setting scenario, trying to avoid coming off as pretentious] It's definitely not working. ... [in a snobby tone] I've been recording my life in pastel! Servo: The only question worth asking is "What am I going through right now?". Gypsy: [as a in-house guitarist, towards Mike] You- the white male- are my personal oppressor. Oh my! Crow: Yes, she is so great! I saw her one-woman show; her soul cried out to me. Gypsy: So I'll take my rage, and box it up, and take it out with the trash! Mike: Thanks a lot, Dr. Forrester; see what you've done? You turned my friends into a bunch of self-absorbed poseurs! Gypsy: A white male middle-class power holder would say that, Mike! [Frank and Dr. Forrester are doing laundry in Deep 13] Frank: I'll show you some real Creeping Terrors... these grass stains! Servo: [while he and Mike stage a parody vignette of "Love, American Style", holding a wedding ring] Well, I'm finally going to propose to Debbie! Mike: That's great; let's see the ring. [puts it on his finger, and it gets stuck] The ring's stuck! Servo: I guess we'll have to get married! [chuckles as he and Mike kiss] [Servo has appeared to have Gypsy devour him, and Crow is halfway inside her mouth] Crow: Here I come, Tommy! Servo: Okay, buddy. Slide right down! Mike: Crow! What in the world are you doing?! [Mike pulls Crow out of Gypsy's mouth] Crow: Hey, hey! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! OW! Right on my hip! Mike: Come on up here! Gypsy: Thanks, Mike. I hope you don't think that was my idea. Mike: No, I think I know whose idea it was. [peeks inside Gypsy's mouth] Hey, Tom! Servo: Hey, Mike! See if you can get her to swallow you. It's really neat! Gypsy: [embarrassed] Oh, This is so embarrassing... I don't look fat, do I?... Mike: No, Gypsy. You don't look fat. You're a little lumpy, maybe, but not fat. Gypsy: Oh, this is embarrassing... Servo: Come on! Hop in and experience the alimentary canal in action. It's the ultimate trip! Mike: Uh, no thanks. I think I'll pass. Anyway, we got letters to read here. Gypsy: You know, Mike, I don't feel very well all of the sudden. I think I'm getting allergic to Tom... Crow: Join the club, Gypsy. Gypsy: I think I'll go get a tissue... [slowly slithers away] The Creeping Terror (film) [of the opening title's stylized spiraling background] Mike: Who left their hair in the sink? Servo: Things I can do with my spirograph! Crow: When spiders drink too much. . . . Crow: Well, it's nothing a fine-toothed comb wouldn't take care of. [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. Servo [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? [The carpet/alien is "devouring" a screaming woman, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth] Mike [as Alien]: Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in... Crow [as Alien]: I can't believe I ate the whole thing! . . . Crow: [as Alien/Carl Denham] 'Twas Beauty fed the Beast! Woman: [checking her baby who is seen crying in their crib] Poor baby; let mommy take your temperature. Crow: [as baby] No! Get lost! Servo: Uh, I don't I wanna see what's about to happen. Crow: [as baby; while the woman grabs a rectal thermometer] Wait, you're gonna put that where?! I'm not sick; I'm fine! Look, I'm feeling better! Mike: [as baby after getting checked] Owwww, you'll pay for this! Woman: Poor baby; you'll feel better soon. Mike: What about picking him up, or feeding him? Servo: [as woman] That's done. Now I have the whole day to myself! [A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.] Crow: When Tom Wolfe's wife does the laundry! [Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly] Servo: Let the current take you away! SWIIIIM! Mike: And the world has one less Santa. [at a formal dance, the alien appears and numerous women scream in terror] Mike: [as the Alien] I know, it's a cheap suit; but it's all I had. Servo: [as the Alien] Why is everybody lookin' at me? Woman: [flatly exclaiming] My God; what is it?! [Crow, Servo, and Mike all break out laughing] Servo: [as the Alien] "What's that say? 'Lover's Lane: Eight miles'?! AWWWW!" Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. Mike [as Narrator]: …to a sold-out crowd! Narrator: Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. Servo [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. [after the monster eats a couple, which looks like it was humping a car afterwards] Crow: He's mistaken the car for a lady monster! Eww! [Martin tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.] Mike: Hey, there's bullets in the other end of that thing! Bloodlust! Gypsy: [of Pearl Forrester's influence on Clay] Now I understand why he's so sick! Boy, I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with 'bitch'! Oh, I mean 'witch'! Servo: She said the word! Gypsy's in trouble; Gypsy's in trouble! [On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.] Servo: Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party— Crow: I did it! Gypsy, Servo, Mike: CROW! Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short) Mike: Is Velveeta a member of the National Dairy Council? Servo: No, Velveeta's a splinter group. [The title appears on screen] Crow: I thought I smelled something! Servo: Yes, the farm of secrets and lies. Narrator: This is a story about the summer George and Betty spent on Uncle Jim's dairy farm. Servo [as Narrator]: A cautionary tale. Narrator: George and Betty are both excited because this is a very special trip. Crow [as Narrator]: They're dropping off the kids and never coming back. Narrator: But they're not a bit more excited than Andy and Jane, who live on the farm. Mike: Poor saps. [The kids take turns ringing a bell to call Jim.] Mike: Ah, yes, the bell signals a nuclear attack in these parts. Crow: Well, now they have nothing to look forward to! Servo [as George]: I never want this day to end! Crow [as Narrator]: Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an edgy man who should not be riled. [As grain pours out of a spout] Servo [as Uncle Jim]: See? We dump this stuff in the creek and the government pays us for it. Crow [as Betty]: I just saw a finger! Mike [as George]: [whining] Can we go home? [The kids are playing in the hayloft] Servo: Now Junior Samples and Lulubelle make their appearance. Crow: OW, MY SPINE! Mike [as Andy]: I don't think cause my doctor-- I'm frail and I have allergies-- but if you really want me to... Servo [as Andy]: OW, I FOUND A PITCHFORK! Crow: All the commotion provokes a bull snake resting in the hay. Mike [as George]: I gotta be careful of my new jeans 'cause I got them at Pamida. Servo: Tonight on ESPN2, hayloft rope swinging. Mike: You'd better watch, 'cause it might happen. Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day. Servo [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day. [Betty and Jane play with baby chicks] Narrator: Baby chicks, too... Mike: Hey, they're women-- oh. Narrator: [George and Andy are playing with the family dog in an open field] On the farm, a big dog has plenty of room to run and play. But he's more than a pet; he also protects the family... Servo: [as Narrator] From rival farm gangs! Narrator: [as the dog's puppies come scampering from behind] But all the puppies have to do is eat and play and sleep so they can grow up strong and healthy. Servo: [gushing over the puppies] Awww, puppy! Look at 'em; little Humphrey, little Humphrey! [As everyone has dinner] Narrator: Living on a farm makes you hungry and aunt Helen certainly is a good cook. Mike [as Narrator]: Given her limitations. Crow: Jerry Lee Lewis joins the family for dinner. Mike: Ah, yes, now's the time for Uncle Jim's fundamentalist dogma. Servo [as Betty]: But I don't like food! Narrator: Look at all the wonderful things to eat. Crow: At restaurants. Narrator: It takes all kinds of food to build up muscles and let us bigger and stronger. Mike: Mostly just butter. Servo: Susie drains the last of her Dirty Banana. Crow [as Jane]: That's why I'm burning my bra. Mike: Repressed emotions help the evening pass without incident. [A rooster crows and the girls wake up in their bunk bed] Servo: Three hours later, it's up again. Crow: Back home, a Hershey's truck has overturned and everyone is getting all the free chocolate they want. Mike [as Betty]: Uncle Jim's out of control. We frag him today. Servo: Mmm, good white, hearty white bread for white, white people. Narrator: As the summer passed, everything seemed to grow. The corn was knee high on George when he came. Now it's taller than he is. Servo: George is clearly shrinking. Narrator: The summer is over, and George and Betty are waiting for their parents to take them back to the city. Mike and Crow [as George and Jane]: FREEDOM! [Their parents drive up to the farm] Servo [as George and Jane's father]: Abner! Just throw them their winter clothes and then floor it! Crow [as George]: Hey, they're driving right by-- Wait! Wait! [The short ends with everyone waving as they drive off] Crow [as Uncle Jim]: Goodbye! We'll send you that arm if we find it! Mike [as George]: So long, you corn-shucking suckers! Bloodlust! (movie) [Over the opening title] Servo: The story of Wisconsin sausage. [Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it] Mike [as the skull]: [muffled and sarcastically] Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!" [In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended] Mike [as Al Jolson]: [singing] Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles! Crow: [indignantly] I don't like the villain! Balleau: [towards Tony] Tony; I have reconsidered. Mike: [as Balleau, shooting Tony in the stomach with a crossbow bolt] John Steinbeck in Of Mice and Murder. Tom Servo: [as Tony screams in pain and dies] Rail! Rail against the dying of the- [Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.] Mike: Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", then this would be ironic. Code Name: Diamond Head [Magic Voice and Cambot present to Crow and Servo a hypothetical vision of what life on the Satellite would be like if Mike wasn't nice] Mike: [to Crow and Servo; dressed like and acting like a strict Boy Scout chief] I suppose you think you're bein' a smart aleck, don't you mister? Well, I'll tell you something; I'll wipe that smile right off your face! Crow: Hey; we were just reading- Mike: [hits Crow with a magazine he confiscated from him] Shut your pie hole! I know a thing or two about a thing or two; I'm not gonna take any lip from you two, I'll tell you that right now! Servo: But we didn't- [gets hit by Mike and starts crying] Mike: I'm not gonna raise any sissies around here; you guys got it easy! Look at this (soda) pop; is it done? Look at it! [jams the soda cans into Servo's and Crow's faces] Now that's a done pop! Servo: [unnerved, from outside the monitor simulation] Okay, Cambot; we've seen enough! Crow: Turn it off; TURN IT OFF!!! A Day at the Fair (short) [The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.] Crow: Hey, I didn't finish! [At the very beginning of the short] Narrator: This is the fairground, where the fair is held. Servo: Any questions so far? [The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised. Servo [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! Narrator: Johnny goes first to see the fish. Crow [as Johnny]: I like fish... Narrator: Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home. Mike: Well, see, they were in the creek, but they've been caught and that's why they're here. [Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds] Crow [as Narrator]: Later, these moths turn up in the mouths of Bob's victims! [Showing a collection of pickle jars] Servo: Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races! [The short cuts to a new scene] Narrator: What's this? Crow: EVIL! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. Servo [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.] Narrator: First, she feels the cake... Crow [as Narrator]: ...then she rubs it into her hair... [As the Olsens go to have lunch...] Mike [as Mr. Olsen]: Let's go eat something gray. [The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.] Servo [as Narrator]: Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! Waaait... . . . Narrator: Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings! Crow: [confused] What, tinsel, little lights? Servo: This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy. . . . Narrator: Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this. Mike [as Narrator]: Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it? [Bob Olson examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. Servo [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? Mike [as Narrator]: ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [Harness races at the grandstand] Crow [as horse]: Get the car! There's carrots in the car! Servo [as horse]: Carrots? I love carrots! . . . Mike: A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three! Crow: [quietly, as if off in distance] Aiieee... Servo: Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh? . . . Narrator: They're into the curb. Servo: And they're into jazz. Crow [as boy]: Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya! . . . [One horse is way behind.] Mike [as horse]: Uh, hey guys, wait up! . . . Narrator: The race is over. Crow: And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage. Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys] Elvira... [Fade to the next scene] Servo [as Bob]: Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large! [At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! Crow [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! [As the short ends] Narrator: Too soon, the rides are over. Crow [as Narrator]: The lawsuts begin. Narrator: And too soon, all the fun comes to an end. . . . Crow [as one of the Olsons]: You spent your nickel, we're done. Code Name: Diamond Head (movie) [Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...] Crow: Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to— [A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.] Mike, Servo, & Crow: AAAAAAAAH! Servo: This is so almost Mitchell. Crow: It's about fifty pounds short of Mitchell. The Skydivers Why Study Industrial Arts? (short) [Over the title screen] Crow: Because you're bad at math? Mike: No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film. [The short is a Centron production.] Servo: Thank you, Centron! [We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.] Crow: [after several seconds of silence] Depressed yet? Joe [voiceover]: You know, it's fun to have an idea. Mike [as Joe]: There, wasn't that fun? [In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.] Joe: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw. Mike [as Joe]: [luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood... Joe: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust... Servo [as Joe]: [nervously] I put them in my underwear! Joe: ...the bright glare of a welder... Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw! Servo [as Joe]: Yes! Joe: ...the sharp whine of the power tools… Mike [as Joe]: ...the piercing scream of a freshman… Joe: ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather. Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress! Servo: The feeling of chaps with no pants! Joe: ...A wrench... Mike: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER! Joe: ...A plane... Crow [as Joe]: [haltingly] These tools are my friends! Joe: ...or a chisel... Servo: What about girls young man? Girls? Mike: No, no, chisels! Joe: And I feel real good, because I'm a craftsman. Mike [as Joe]: And not a killer! Joe: Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that. Crow [as Joe]: Then they pants you and drag you around the track… [Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.] Joe's buddy: Wow, you made this? Mike [as Joe]: I'm making it for the Grand Wizard. Joe's buddy: Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store. Joe: It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it. Joe's buddy: Kinda slow, huh? Joe: Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time. Crow [as Joe]: Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap. Joe's buddy: How'd ya like this shop class, Joe? Joe: I like it swell. Why? [Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy] Servo [as Joe's buddy]: Could you staple my ears back? [Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.] Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] carpenters. Servo [as Mr. Barnes]: [woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others. . . . [Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.] Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] foundry men. Mike: [singing] Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from... Mr. Barnes: Tool operators. Crow, Servo: [singing] Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . . [As the short ends] Crow: This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch the other film! The Skydivers (movie) [The opening credits list over three dozen actors.] Servo: Oh, I know what this is, this is an "I-can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits" cast list. Suzy: Is Frankie here? Beth: Frankie's not here. Mike: Frankie goes to Hollywood. Beth: Would you like some coffee? Joe Moss: Coffee? Crow [as Joe]: What is this "coffee"? Joe Moss: [stiltedly] I like coffee! Beth: Well, good! Mike: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character. . . . [Beth and Joe walk across the airfield] Servo [as Joe]: Where is it, your "coffee"? [The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground] Crow: Terror at Sea-level. Servo: [giggling] More terrifying than Airport '77! [Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.] Harry: What happened? Mike [as Beth]: I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked! [Beth looks on as Harry [played by Tony Cardoza] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.] Mike [as Beth]: Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony. Harry: Bob, you ready? Bob: [off-camera] Sure, Harry! [Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.] Servo: Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—! Mike: [sputters unintelligibly] Crow: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film. . . . [A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.] Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your head? Mike: Generic Plane. Cheaper than other planes. . . . [Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.] Crow: Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for you... [Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.] Mike: Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies. . . . Servo [as Suzy]: I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion. Suzy: Will I see you tomorrow? Mike [as Harry]: Uh, you have to ask the editor. Harry: [monotone] No... not tomorrow. Crow [as Harry]: I have a headache... tomorrow. [Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.] Servo: Ah, she's setting up for a séance. Crow: They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man. . . . Mike [as Harry]: Dinner isn't white enough, honey. Harry: And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs. Mike [as Frankie]: What if I don't bring 'em with me? Bernie: I feel real free in that wild blue sky. Crow [as Bernie]: Cops can't touch me up there. Bernie: ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there. Mike [as Bernie]: Poopin' on people. [After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...] Mike: Seems like they forgot to have things happen in this movie. [As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.] Crow: Two zips and we're naked! [Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...] Crow: He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant. Suzy: Well, Frankie, are you chicken? Mike [as Frankie]: Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh... [Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.] Mike: Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs! [The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.] Mike: This isn't The Right Stuff; it's just... some stuff. [A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.] Mike [as Man]: [muttering] I see me a hippie. [shouting] Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it? [Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.] Crow: A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, and leaves. . . . Mike [as Beth]: Now I can do what I really want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. What color is my parachute? [A guitarist resembles Ralph Fiennes] Mike: Hey, it's Amon Göth on guitar! [A plane starts taxiing the runway.] Crow [as pilot]: Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky? The Violent Years [Tom Servo shows off his new ventriloquist dummy head to Mike, Crow, and Gypsy, terrifying them badly.] Servo: Ta-da! Mike: WHOA!! Crow : [horrified] WHOA, WHOA!!! [Crow sobs loudly and uncontrollably]Servo: Pretty impressive! Hey folks! I tell ya, I feel like a new man!Gypsy: [horrified] I FEEL ILL!!! [Gypsy leaves out of disgust and horror]Servo: I know what you’re thinking. Cary Grant, right? I could see that, sure! Maybe even a little touch of Seinfeld? Ha, ha, ha, you know I'm weighing several new career options, fellas. Politics, TV news, I'm even considering franchising the look, he-he, maybe a series of infomercials. Hey kids, you gotta get ahead? get a head! Mike: Ha ha ha ha... GET HIM! [Mike attempts to pounce on Servo and rip the dummy head off while Crow continues wailing and screaming] [Mike and Crow are reenacting the gas station hold-up from movie, confusing Tom and Gypsy.]Gypsy: Oh, what are they doin'?Servo: I think they're recreating the gas station hold up from the movie.Gypsy: Oh... [Crow and Mike stand very still, not moving. Gypsy yawns]Gypsy: Uh, Tom?Tom Servo: Huh?Gypsy: Was it exciting in the movie?Tom Servo: Nope.Gypsy: Well, was it funny?Tom Servo: Nope.Gypsy: Oh, well, uh, maybe we'd better read a letter, huh? Young Man's Fancy (short) [Over the opening title]Crow: Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes. [As the short begins, Judy is ironing while listening to the radio.]Mike: She's listening to her to dehumidifier.Servo: Yes, teens dig lush orchestral arrangements.Radio Announcer: 12 o'clock and time for the headlines of the latest news of the day. According to the latest bulletins-- [Judy turns off the radio]Crow [as Radio Announcer]: Ironing can be deadly. [Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]Judy: Mmmm . . . I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this.Mike: Yeah, evidently.Mrs. Adams: Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you.Judy: Sorry, sweetie, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good.Crow [as Judy]: Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig? [Judy primps in front of a mirror.]Mike [as Judy]: There. Now I look like Mom.Crow [as Judy]: Thank goodness for my electric dress! [The phone rings as Judy and her mom serve lunch to the boys.]Crow: Hey, the electric phone! [Judy talks about Alex on the phone with a girlfriend.]Judy: Did he arrive? Man, he's positively frantic!Servo [as Judy]: He runs around screaming! . . .Judy: And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, squishy!Crow [as the person on the phone]: Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines. [Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]Mrs. Adams: There. Nothing to it.Servo: AND IT'S QUIET, TOO! [Judy walks around the kitchen, rattling an eggbeater in an empty bowl to try and get Alex's attention.]Crow: Um, has anybody noticed that the daughter is psychotic? [Judy, pretending her mixer doesn't work, opens the kitchen door slightly to get Alex's attention from the next room.]Servo [as Judy]: [coughs] OH DEAR!Judy: Oh, me!Servo: [laughing] Did I call that? [Alex plugs in Judy's mixer.]Alex: There we are.Mike [as Alex]: God, you're dumb. [Judy gazes adoringly at Alex as he explains the benefit of the electric kitchen appliances.]Mike: Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy.Alex: I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing?Judy: Dancing? Oh, Alex, how dreamy! [Crow begins whimpering and panting like an excited puppy] [Over the closing credits]Servo: This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd!Mike: And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom. The Violent Years (movie) [Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: Ed Wood. [After character gets shot in the classroom by police]Mike: She died like she lived... failing algebra. [Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the off-screen male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]Crow: Refuses to Press Charges!Servo: Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"Mike: Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene! [Police car is searching for the girl gang]Mike [as a cop]: You said you knew where the chase was!Crow [as a cop]: No, you said you knew where it was!Mike [as a cop]: Well, I never!Judge: Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime...Mike: We don't! Can we go? Last of the Wild Horses [On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]Servo: So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?Crow: Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.Servo: I said Coke.Crow: I know, I'll have a root beer.Servo: All I have is Coke.Crow: Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.Servo: Okay. Huh?Crow: Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.Servo: We are.Crow: And a show?Servo: No!Crow: Then why did you say we're going to a show?Servo: Because we are!Crow: What show?Servo: Awakenings.Crow: That's a movie!Servo: I know! [sighs] Are you going to come with?Crow: Come with what?Servo: Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!Crow: Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you borrow me some money?Mike: Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.Crow: But Mike, irregardless of that fact... . . .Crow: So what time's dinner?Servo: Noon okay?Crow: But that's lunch!Servo: Lunch, dinner, same thing. [The Mad's light flashes]Servo: Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.Crow: Ooh, the blinker!Gypsy: [reacting to the alternate versions' of Frank and Forrester performing "Joey the Lemur"] THIS IS WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED HAVING MY WORST NIGHTMARE ABOUT!Servo: This is horrible; there are no lemurs in this movie! [flees while he and Gypsy scream in horror] Last of the Wild Horses (movie) [Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]TV's Frank: Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater?Dr. Forrester: Frank, you're getting too big for that!TV's Frank: Aw, it's my favorite part! [During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]Frank: You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink! . . . [The credits identify Albert Glasser as the film's score composer.]Forrester: Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and pummels you with music! [As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]Mike [as Storyteller]: Ungodly coincidences of the Old West. [Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]Riley: He dropped something. See what it is.Crow [as Riley]: It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful. [During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]Mike [as Riley]: Ooh! Found the needle! [Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]Servo: I fought the loft and the loft won. The Starfighters TThe Starfighters (movie) [over the opening title]Crow: The Sean Penn story! [As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]Crow: Ah, Christo's latest installa—oh good. [As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]Crow: We're gonna bomb 'em back to the Jazz Age!Mike: Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force. [Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]Crow [as Lyons]: Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform?Servo [as Lyons]: Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done. [Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]Col. Hunt: Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?Crow [as Maj. Stevens]: Uh, you have to pay? [Col. Hunt answers the phone.]Col. Hunt: Colonel Hunt speaking.Wikowski: Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.Mike [as Hunt]: Sarah?Col. Hunt: Who's this?Wikowski: Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...Crow [as Wikowski]: I sell paneling.Wikowski: I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.Col. Hunt: [suddenly smiling] Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!Servo: And his face springs into action!Col. Hunt: I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.Wikowski: Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...Mike [as Wikowski]: Perhaps dinner...Wikowski: We have a bit in common, you see...Crow [as Wikowski/Liberace]: My brother George...Wikowski: You remember flying in the ETO together, 20 years ago?Col. Hunt: Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.Wikowski: Yes, I suppose so.Servo: [to Mike, mishearing] They were in BTO?Mike: I guess... [A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]Crow: Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...Servo: It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!Mike: Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb. [The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.] Crow: It landed on Pig-Pen! Servo: [as a missile is flying towards a rectangular target] Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti-- [the missile then blows up the target] Oooh![Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]Mike: "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that... Servo: It says "Lift Here". Mike: Oh.[during yet another scene of planes refueling]Crow: You asked for more refueling, and we're giving it to you! Mike: Yes! I'm at a loss, now we've done promiscuity entendres? Servo: Check. Crow: Uh, cuddling in the afterglow? Servo: Check. Mike: Uh, multiple partner allusions? Servo: Got it. Crow: Uh, premature ejaculation innuendo? Servo: Yup. Mike: Gas station jokes. Servo: Been there. Crow: Impotence. Servo: Oh yeah. Mike: Uh, one-night stuff? Servo; It's all covered. Mike: [disappointed] Okay, let's just watch then. Servo: Well, fueling is a beautiful natural thing that's nothing to mock. Mike: Okay, you're right. ... Servo: [singing to the score] Youuu and I, refueled by moonlight! Fuel, like sparkling champaaagne! Mike: I don't know where you end and I begin![the fueling process ends]Crow [as the plane]: No man, no! You can't cut me off, just 4000 more pounds then I'll quit! I'm so cold... Servo: Oh, a junkie joke. Mike [as Crashed Pilot]: Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine! Servo [as Rescuer]: You were only here for ten minutes! Servo: So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right? Mike: Um... Servo: Am I right? Mike: Yeah. That is correct. The Sinister Urge Crow: [to Gypsy] We're giving you a shower! Gypsy: [surprised] Huh!? Servo: Oh look, she's surprised, isn't that just darling? Gypsy: [flustered] Well, I'm not getting married and... am I pregnant!? Crow: Oh Gypsy, every woman gets a shower and it's just so lovely! Gypsy: Well, I'm pretty sure I'm a woman. Crow: Open that one first, Mike, it's from me! Doesn't she look lovely? Mike: It's... pinking shears! Gypsy: Oh! Thank you, how very thoughtful, and lovely! Servo: Oh, those are just darling, Crow! OK, this is from me... Mike: And it is... pinking shears! Gypsy: Oh! Oh! Crow: Just like mine! How darling and lovely! Servo: Well yeah, Gypsy! I saw that Crow got you the same thing, and that gave me the idea! [everyone laughs] Mike: OK, this one is from Cambot, and it is pinking shears! Gypsy: Oh! Better get pinking! [Gypsy laughs] Mike: OK though, Tom and Crow went on one more... Gypsy: Oh let me guess, let me guess... Pinking shears? Mike: Nope... Gypsy: Oh... . Mike: Oh I guess it is! Pinking shears! [Gypsy laughs] Crow: Well Tom saw them and I had to agree! Servo: How lovely and darling! Gypsy: It's from Frank! Listen to this: [reads letter] "Dear Gypsy, how are you? I'm fine. I'm going to bomb the living bejesus out of Deep 13. Well, it looks like I'm out of room. Best wishes, Frank." [realizes the threat] OH MY GOD! MIKE! TOM! CROW! WE GOT TO STOP HIM! [goes back to the letter] "P.S. Hope you like the pinking shears." TV's Frank: I must say, doctor, you are a real piece of work. Dr. Forrester: [tied up and strapped with explosives] Frank, it you don't cut it out, I'm gonna kill you! TV's Frank: No, Dr. Forrester... it is you who are going to kill me. [evil laugh] YOU'RESTUCKHERE. Crow: Well, if Frank goes through with his plan, that means no more mad scientists! Servo: Which means no more evil experiments! Mike: Which means no more Deep 13! Crow: Which means no way can we ever, ever get down to Earth! Servo: Which eventually means no more Satellite of Love! Mike: Which means no more... [they finally realize what would happen and faint from shock] Crow: ...We've got to help Dr. Forrester save Deep 13! Mike: We just got to find a way to stop Frank, but how? Crow: Yeah, that's the sixty-four dollar question... wait! I've got an idea! A door-to-door search! Gypsy, can you give me a schematic of the whole city? Gypsy: You want the suburbs too? Crow: All the way to the sticks! I want to see barns and cows and roosters! Gypsy: There goes my vacation! Crow: Thanks, doll-face! [tries to kiss Gypsy] Gypsy: Get out of here, you lug! Servo: All right, all right, all right! Hold everything! Ha ha! Got the report back from the lab, and guess whose fingerprints are all over the ransom notes? Mike: Uh, probably Frank's. He signed it. Servo: Oh, that's right I guess... Mike: This is a dead end, a blank wall, an empty check! Gypsy: It's no piece of cake, that's for sure! Mike: Wait!, Hold it Gypsy, say that again... Gypsy: I said, "It is no piece of cake!" Mike: Potato cakes! That's it! Crow: Potato cakes? Mike: Remind me to buy you a new hat next payday sweetheart! [hugs and kisses Gypsy] Gypsy: Wow...! Gypsy: It just doesn't make any sense, Mike! Gypsy: Oh boy, I wonder if Forrester's planning on killing Frank! Keeping Clean and Neat (short) [Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]Narrator: Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes! Mike [as Don]: But that's how they treat me![Mildred's clothes are strewn all across her room.]Narrator: Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was! Servo: Don Was? The producer?[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]Servo [as Henry Higgins]: Why can't a woman be more like a man? Mike: In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices. Crow: The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy![The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]Narrator: Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes. Mike [as Narrator]: Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior! The Sinister Urge (movie) [The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]Mike: She must be one of Senator Packwood's aides.[as a police car changes its model during a scene transition]Mike: Hey, the car turned from a Ford into a Plymouth! Crow: That'll happen... Mr. Romaine: I read in the morning paper that the police department have assigned a special detail to clear up this silly dirty picture business. As a taxpayer, I demand... [begins hitting his palm with his fist]Crow: Ow! Ow ow ow! Mr. Romaine: Put those men on important crimes like robberies and murders, and those gangs of young hoodlums that roam the street. Things that'll protect an honest citizen like myself. Spending all that money on such silly things, as a few girly pictures that never hurt anyone. Lt. Carson: "Never hurt anyone?!" For your information, Mr. Taxpayer, the dirty picture racket can be directly connected to a good percentage of the major crimes in this city! Mr. Romaine: Just how? Mike [as Carson]: Well, very indirectly. Lt. Carson: It would take a psychiatrist to explain it to you, but I can tell you that we've got three murders on our hands. Three young girls who posed for such pictures! Found in the park. Tortured! Mutilated! Murdered! Here! [shows pictures]Mike [as Carson]: Uh, here's murdered, here's tortured, where's mutilated? There it is... Lt. Carson: Some will steal or kill just to get their hands on this stuff. It's worse than dope for them! Mr. Taxpayer, the smut picture racket is worse than kidnapping, or dope peddling... Crow: No it isn't! Lt. Carson: ... Show me a crime, and I can show you a picture that could have caused it. Have I made myself clear? Mike [as Romaine]: It's a vague connection, I admit, but... Lt. Carson: Do you have a daughter, Mr. Romaine? Crow [as Carson]: Would she be interested in the smut picture racket?[Romaine slowly gets up and walks silently to the door]Servo [as Romaine]: Uhhhhh... Mike [as Carson]: Would you like to choose a different category, sir? Servo [as Romaine]: Hmmmmm.... daughter...uh, daughter... is a daughter the thing with the wheel and- oh forget it, I'm thinking of a bike. Let me call my wife. Daughter, you say? Daughter... huh... Mr. Romaine: Yes... I have two daughters... Crow [as Romaine]: And a puppy. Servo: At least I think they're daughters. Hope I'm thinking of the right thing- let me get back to you on that. [as Gloria and Johnny talk about the ramifications of the recent police raid on her smut picture business, and their plans moving forward]Crow: I'm learning a lot about porn![after Gloria enters the room after leaving briefly in the same scene]Mike [as Gloria]: The was a good crap! San Francisco International San Francisco International (movie) [Mike and the Bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]Mike: Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park.[The logo fades.]Servo: Okay, big friggin' deal![The title San Francisco International appears on-screen.]Mike: [singing] San Francisco International Airport! Where the big b-actors roar![A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]Servo: Terror at... uh, sea level. Mike: So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport. Crow [as Katie Barrett]: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body![An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]Mike: There's a New Testament in town![Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]Crow [as Pernell]: Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses." Kitten with a Whip Kitten with a Whip (movie) [David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a Looney Tunes cartoon blare from the TV.]Mike: Carl Stalling's in his house! [Angle on the TV reveals that it's the Sylvester cartoon Canned Feud.] Crow: Hey, something good!Servo: All right! . . .Mike [as David]: Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to Elmer Fudd. Racket Girls Are You Ready for Marriage? (short) [The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]Mike: Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway. [Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]Crow: Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action! [Establishing shot of the institutional-looking church]Servo: Visit your government church!Mike: First Federal Church, member FDIC. [Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]Hall: When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction...Servo [as Larry]: Oh yeah!Hall: ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...boing!Mike [as Larry]: You saw my boing?Larry: How did you know?Hall: Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing".Crow [as Hall]: Sometimes there's a "shplurt"!Hall: For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…Mike [as Hall]: …if one of you is cuckoo… [Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]Hall: …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until… […and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]Larry: It's gone!Sue: Where'd it go?!Crow [as Larry]: We're gonna die!Hall: That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.Servo [as Larry]: BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?! [Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]Crow:[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions] MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING! [Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]Mike [as Sue]: Sorry, back in Da Nang there for a minute. [The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]Sue: Do we have similar backgrounds?Mike [as Sue]: Do we have any priors?Sue: Do we agree on our religious beliefs...Crow [as Sue]: I worship Cthulhu!Sue: ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general?Servo [as Sue]: You know, God and stuff.Sue: Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?Mike [as Sue]: So give to me your leather, take from me my lace. Racket Girls (movie) [The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]Crow: Is there a midway nearby? . . .Mike: Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise!Crow [as usher]: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down. [Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]Servo: Ah, another sellout crowd.Scalli: Hey, Joe!Servo [as Scalli]: Where you going with that gun in your hand? [Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]Crow: [nervously] I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead! [Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]Crow: Music?! Why here? Why now? WHY US?! The Sword and the Dragon Gypsy: [leaving while being too weirded out by Mike and the Bots reenactment of the forest tablecloth scene] ...You guys are so weird! [Mike and the bots put on a satirical political song and dance number]Crow: [singing while holding a prop gun] I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I get shot at every day... I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm opposed by the NRA- bang bang! [pretends to be shot and "dies"] The Sword and the Dragon (movie) [A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]Mike [as Ilya]: Man, she's a fox. [We see a large banquet taking place]Crow [as man]: It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a pretty man...Servo [as man]: Sven, no! You mustn't! [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.Servo [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. [The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]Crow: Crows! My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are?Servo: [doubtfully] Uh huh... [Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]Little Falcon: It is as though in a vision... I see my mother! [He turns to face Ilya]Crow [as Little Falcon]: Mom! High School Big Shot Out of this World (short) [In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]Mike: They're operating under a different theology. [Red is explaining the details of his plan]Red: Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...?Crow [as Red]: Say I'm starring in Forever Plaid! [Whitey is talking to Bill Dudley, but music covers what she's saying.]Mike [as Whitey]: So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well... [after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]Bill Dudley: First of all, take a look. [holds up bread] A loaf of bread.Crow [as Dudley]: Eat every piece! . . .Whitey: Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?Dudley: That's exactly the way I feel about it.Mike [as Dudley]: [miserably] I have to. It's all I've got! [a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]Bill Dudley: Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.Servo [as Dudley]: Watch me come on to a grocer. . . . [Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]Dudley: Hey, something new! [pushes cart experimentally]Mike [as Dudley]: Be a shame if this ran over your kid...Bill Dudley: You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking... [cut to a montage of grocers]Mike [as grocer]: What a moron.Grocer voiceover: That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.Servo [as grocer]: What's he on?Voiceover: Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.Crow [as grocer]: What does he want from me?Voiceover: Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.Servo [as Grocer]: Why can't he leave me alone?Voiceover: I like to do business with salesmen like that.Mike [as Grocer]: But his bread sucks.Bill Dudley: [explaining his work philosophy] The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this [taps head] and this. [taps inventory book]Crow: A hat and a pad.Bill Dudley: [explaining his work philosophy] That's why I keep these bullseyes handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up. Mike: Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't... well, you know... High School Big Shot (movie) [The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]Crow: Is this the screen test? . . .Mike: He has a haunting ugliness. . . .Servo: Is this a Warhol film? [Over the opening title]Mike: The Potsie story. [Teacher Mr. Carter is discussing "Hamlet"]Mr. Carter: At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick and delivers a famous speech. Now, to whom was this speech delivered?Crow [as student]: Uh, Richard Dawson.Mike [as student]: Fred Sanford?Servo [as student]: Uh, Larry Hovis. [Mr. Carter notices Vince flirting with Betty]Mr. Carter: Vince, would you mind answering the question, please?Mike [as Vince]: Look at your mouth, you got such a funny little...Mr. Carter: VINCE!Crow [as Vince]: Uh, nipples.Servo: I'm more held by the question of Hamlet's madness, sir.Vince: I'm sorry, Mr. Carter. Would you repeat the question, please?Mr. Carter: To whom was Hamlet's favorite graveside speech delivered?Vince: I don't know, man. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope. [the class laughs]Crow [as Mr. Carter]: Mr. Malph, please. [Mr. Carter is talking to Marv after class.]' Mr. Carter: Have you given any more thought to college? The term's gonna be over in a week, you know. Servo [as Mr. Carter]: You're 28. You should graduate.[Cash-strapped Marv and his father are both getting ready for their dates.]Crow: You know, maybe if they sold off one of those Tiffany lamps, then... Marv's Dad: Oh, by the way, I think I'm gonna have a job next week. Marv: Really? Marv's Dad: Yup. I met a guy today who's sure he can put me on full time. Mike [as Marv's Dad]: Yup. I'm going to sell my plasma door to door.[Marv and Betty are on their date, walking the street.]Crow [as Betty]: So, are we going to walk the alleys all night? Marv: I'm sorry, Betty, honest. Betty: Oh, that's okay. At least it was a good movie. Servo [as Betty]: I've never walked to a drive-in before. Marv It's just that I, well, I had to give some money to Pop-- Betty: Oh, just forget it. I'm having a lovely time. Marv: Betty. Mike [as Marv]: Can I sniff your bra? Marv: I've got almost a dollar left. Would you like to have a Coke? Betty: I'd love it. Crow [as Betty]: Thanks a lot, Adnan Khashoggi.[Cut to a diner.]Mike: Tonight only: Cokes, a dollar ten.[Vince confronts Betty, who just got Marv to write her term paper.]Betty: Oh, Vince. Crow [as Betty]: Will you write a paper for me? Vince: What's with you? [brief pause]Mike: Rebooting. Betty: With me and Marv? Servo [as Vince]: Come on, I can't hold this face much longer! Betty: Oh, you can't be serious. Vince: Look, you were with him. You went out with him instead of me! Crow [as Betty]: He had three dollars! Betty: But, honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper. Mike [as Vince]: Would he write mine if I kissed him? . . . Mike [as Betty]: Now would you write my shop project? Crow: All this because of a strict English teacher. Red Zone Cuba [Frank owes a hefty sum of money to the mob, and is about to convince Dr. Forrester to go out and face them in his stead]Frank: Clay, there's a, uh- Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano here to see you. Dr. Forrester: Huh? Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano? Did I go to high school with him? I bet that's what it is; I went to high school with him. [steps into the hallway] Joe? Hello?[Forrester gets pulled aside and in silhouette is being beaten up by the mob, while Frank grimaces]Frank: Gee, I- I feel kinda bad about this. I must admit I feel partly responsible, sorta.[Mike and the Bots are dressed in formal tuxedos shortly before Movie Sign for some gambling]Magic Voice: Attention; the buffet is now being served. Mike, Crow and Servo: [at the same time as Movie Sign blares] The buffet?! Crow: [depressed sigh] You know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind of negative effect on me... Mike: Yeah, even being Carol Channing didn't shield me from the effect of this one... Servo: Well, hey! I know what we can do to cheer ourselves up! Let's sing us a bouncy, upbeat song! Okay!? Crow: That's a great idea! Mike: Okay! Servo: Hit it, Cambot! [singing] Whenever I want to cry and bawl, Because I'm feeling sad, I think of ironing boards and drywall, And then I don't feel so bad! Crow: Whenever I'm feeling down and blue And sorry for myself I get some staples and some glue And I'm happy as an elf! Mike: [singing] Whenever I start to mope and pout And there's nothing left in my soul I check the toilet paper and if we're out I buy another roll! Gypsy: [singing] Have you ever touched a Post-it Note? Have you ever looked at boots? Have you ever sat down in a chair? Have you ever used a paper clip? Crow: [singing] So if you listen to our advice, Servo: [singing] And you wanna feel terrific! Gypsy: [singing] Do things that make you feel nice, Mike: [singing] I wish we could be more specific! Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance (short) Narrator: The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech. Servo [as Narrator]: …after the human nipple. Narrator: Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes... Mike: ...Okay... Narrator: ...a doll that never talked. Mike: [nervously] Just do what he says... Narrator: Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke. Servo: Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn![The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]Narrator: Be sure to wear a clean shirt... Crow: Be sure to get a brand-new chin. Narrator: ...and your favorite tie. Servo: Now you're ready to rub out Sonny Corleone! Servo: [as person slouching while making a speech] Women be different than men![A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]Narrator: ...You will look poised and dignified. Mike: Uh, no you won't. . . . Crow: Don't do this during the speech. Red Zone Cuba (movie) [A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]Mike: John Carradine! Crow: Was he always a hundred years old?[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson (John Carradine).]Servo: Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest.[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]Servo: [deep voice] John Carradine for Viceroy.[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]Crow: [lisping] Sal Mineo for Viceroy![A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]Mike [as Announcer]: Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in The Fugitive!Servo [as Curly Howard]: Hey, Moe![A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]Mike: [singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"] Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load I got Coleman Francis on my mind.[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]Mike: Hey, I see some soccer players down there...[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]Joe: Men, we're shoving off right after sundown... Crow, Servo [as Men]: You shove off! Joe: …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect. Mike [as Joe]: There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us. Joe: At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach. Servo [as Joe]: Ted, you take Havana. . . . Joe: We have a man in Cuba that will throw ropes over the cliff at 12 midnight. Mike [as Joe]: At 12:15 we're captured![Griffin (played by Coleman Francis) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]Mike [as Cuban Soldier]: The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis. Crow: [as the owner of a secluded diner] I am the Dark Specter of Food.[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]Mike: Ah! I think my neck got broken in that jump cut! Servo: [sighs] I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "I just don't know!" Crow: I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me![The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]Mike [as Store Clerk]: Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons! ... Mike: [as store clerk while the trio leaves] Thanks for not killing me; right neighborly of ya! Danger!! Death Ray Danger!! Death Ray (movie) [Our heroes discuss the film's title.]Servo: Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray. Mike: There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound 94, you might want to take an alternate route. . . .[The movie's theme song is a catchy jazz number accompanied by "ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" scat-sung vocals]Mike: What do they mean by "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da"? Is it protest? Crow: It was originally titled "La-la-la-la-la-la" - big creative dispute. Crow: What country is this taking place in? Mike: Europe.[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]Mike: They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds.[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]Crow: (in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time.[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]Mike: In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies. Servo [as watcher]: Why can't I get the Red Shoe Diaries?[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]Mike: The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself. Servo: They're coming up for more baking soda.[Crow begins snickering.]Mike: Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.[Crow snickers again.]Servo: This set is at least three box tops. Crow: [recovering his composure] Special effects by... Billy! . . .[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]Mike: Don't go up there! You'll become a toy! . . .[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]Sub Captain: Okay. We can dive. Servo [as Captain]: Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now. Crow [as Captain]: Head towards the drain.[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]Mike: Das Toy Boat! Servo [as Captain]: Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter? Crow: Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]Bart Fargo: You're the one who knows everything... Mike [as Fargo]: Who's God?[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]Henchman: We're looking for a man. Mike [as Henchman]: Are you him? Lucille: My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one. Servo [as Henchman]: I think you know what I meant![Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]Bart Fargo: You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too.[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]Servo: Olé![Crow giggles.]Mike [as Bart]: And the way you dove out the window was just terrible![Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]Servo [as Bart]: Ooh, sorry, ma'am. Bart Fargo: That's too bad. Crow: Oh, come on! What about "he really fell for me"? Or "his hopes have been crushed"?[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]Servo: Hot Wheels! Crow: Some little boy is going to be very upset.[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]Servo [as Assassin/Mulwray]: My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter![A baccarat game is in progress.]Croupier: Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000. Crow [as Player]: It'd better be a damn good bonk.[After Bart Fargo's partner is gunned down, the movie's catchy, upbeat "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" theme music starts up again.]Servo: This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there![beat]Servo: But it's nice. Mike: It is nice, yeah.[Crow laughs.]Crow: Bart Fargo IS... Hard to— watch. Crow: Bart Fargo. Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo... Heh, that's hard! The Beast of Yucca Flats Gypsy: Huh?... [sees the new wallpaper] OH, MY GOD! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! [Leaves]Crow: Sometimes, a new look takes a little getting used to. Money Talks! (short) [William looks at a Franklin half-dollar he's holding.]William: Fifty cents. Half a dollar. Servo: In those days, that'd buy you a car. William: Benjamin Franklin, eh? Crow [as William]: Bite me, Franklin! William: He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red. Crow [as William]: He was the best President we ever had. . . .[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]Servo: Alfred Hitchcock! Ben Franklin: You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father… Mike [as Franklin]: …James Joyce. Ben Franklin: …something quite unheard of in my day. Crow: Fathers?[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar]Mike: Benjamin Franklin was tried in the Eighth circuit court on stalking charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. Progress Island U.S.A. (short) [The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]Crow: Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later!Narrator: An American Democracy...Servo [as Narrator]: Would be really great.Narrator: Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise.Crow: And very hard to sleep!Narrator: Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move.Mike: Hawaii?Crow: No, an island! [Shots of a school are shown.]Narrator: Bilingual schools.Mike [as Narrator]: Bisexual students. [The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]Crow: Oh. When did they change the name?Servo: A Quinn Martin production.Mike, Crow, Servo: [as the music ends] PUERTO RICO!Narrator: A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life.Crow [as Narrator]: So you might as well just stay where you are. [Over a shot of a Burger King...]Servo: Ah, indigenous cuisine! [Over quick shots]Mike: With this, and this, and that! [Over a shot of cash being given to an anonymous hand]Crow: Here, money is exchanged for coconuts. [Students are shown at college.]Mike: Latka Gravas goes to class.Crow [as Latka]: Thank you veddy much.Crow: It's Room Dos-Dos-Dos! [Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]Mike [as Narrator]: Here, we're flying in another trumpet section. [On the next piece of background music]Crow: Okay, let's get funky now.Narrator: For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.Crow [as Narrator]: ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.Mike [as Narrator]: Look, just come here! [Another piece of background music ends.]Mike, Crow, Servo: PROGRESS! [As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]Crow: Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held.Mike: Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.Servo: Here, Up With People get down. [The dancers wave one arm back and forth while dancing in a circle] Mike [singing]: Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart] . . . [A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]Mike, Crow, Servo: GAMBLING!Narrator: Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family.Servo: Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma... [After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]Crow: Hit me!Narrator: A band concert under warm, tropical skies.Crow: The music of John Phillips Salsa.Narrator: It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago. [The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]Mike, Crow, Servo: A CENTURY AGO! [Over shots of tropical flowers.]Narrator: Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year.Mike: As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah. [Over a shot of cows grazing.]Crow [as Narrator]: Here are some moo cows.Narrator: The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.Mike [as Narrator]: ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs. [As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]Servo [as worker, drunkenly]: I love this job!Narrator: Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy.Crow [as Narrator]: So, drink rum constantly. [Shot of front of Digital building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]Crow: Why, even aliens from Mars are here! [Shots of Puerto Ricans working on electronic equipment.]Narrator: A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology. [Focus on an old-fashioned computer.]Mike: Things with blinky buttony-type things. [The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]Crow: Then KISS came to town!Mike [as Narrator]: We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff. . . . [We see record players being made.]Mike: These'll never go out of style.Crow: Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album. [The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]Crow: Okay, we'll move there!Servo: Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? [Over the short's closing screen]Mike [as Narrator]: We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did not offend. The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie) [The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]Mike: Get off my land, you credits! [The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", Tor Johnson as the titular beast.]Servo: Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play The Butler.Mike: Tor Johnson as The Beast, that's just smart casting. [During a chase scene.]Servo: Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the Coleman Francis way.Servo: Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's Beast of Yucca Flats. A Francis Ford Coppola film.Narrator: Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?Mike: These are all just random sentences, folks.Narrator: Touch a button, things happen.Mike: ...Uh, sometimes.Narrator: Joseph Javorsky.Crow [as Narrator]: Rootie patootie.Narrator: A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland.Mike: His limericks aren't very good...Narrator: Vacation time.Crow [as Narrator]: So... goodbye.Narrator: People travel east, west... north or south.Servo: And some people just burrow straight down, I guess. [Over a shot of the mountain...]Narrator: To get to the top... a man needs an airplane.Crow [as Narrator]: Or a giant pogo stick.Narrator: Jump from a plane, land at the top.Mike [as Narrator]: Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?Servo [as Narrator]: Jaworski, Ron Jaworski. Played quarterback for the Eagles. [A man is chased by a light plane.]Servo: Ahh, bit of a ripoff?Mike: Coleman steals from only the best!Narrator: A man murdered, a woman's purse.Servo: A thin plot, endlessly restated.Crow [as Narrator]: Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.Servo [as Narrator]: Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment. [Over a shot of a car driving through the desert]Crow [as Narrator]: The beast put a hundred down and bought an old Studebaker.Servo [as the Beast]: Why, why can't I get a baked potato before five in this town?Narrator: The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury.Mike [as the Beast]: Ah, fudge!Narrator: Joseph Javorsky.Mike [as Narrator]: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?Narrator: Noted scientist.Crow [as Narrator]: Family man, and your candidate for city council! [Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]Mike: So? What about him?! Angels Revenge Gypsy: I don't have any lines.Crow: But you get to wear slinky dresses and carry guns and stuff!Gypsy: Not this sister! [Leaves]Gypsy: I feel so insignificant! [In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in Blaxploitation-esque outfits.]Crow: I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office! Angels Revenge (movie) [During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]Michelle: We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here. [Terry sticks her thumb up.]Mike [as Terry]: Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now! [Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]Servo [as Maria]: Hah-hah! It's anonymous! [The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]Servo: Okay, sound by Hanna-Barbera, fine.Crow: That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts!Mike: No, don't... [As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]Crow: Hey, you're giving away the plot! [Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]Farrell: Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad.Servo [as Farrell]: He's our only customer. [Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]Crow [as Diner]: Hey, how's about shinin' my steak over here?! . . .Mike: You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it.April: Women can make a difference.Crow: Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid. [The musical score apes Also sprach Zarathustra as the Angels' combat van appears.]Servo: [singing] Vaguely Strauss, but notttt!Terry: I've got an idea. [The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]Servo: What a great idea! [The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]Crow: It's the T & A-Team! [The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]Mike: Right now, Benny Hill is smiling down from heaven. [Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]Crow: It's Dworkinfest '78! [One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell (Jack Palance).]Crow [as Farrell/Palance]: Oh, no! He saw City Slickers II. [Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]Farrell: May I speak to you for a moment please?Crow [as Farrell]: 'It's about my report card.April: Yes? What can I do for you?Servo [as Farrell]: What's this "Incomplete" crap? . . .Farrell: I'd like to talk to you about my nephew, he's ah... he's in a little trouble. You're his teacher, I understand.April: Well sure, I have a minute. What's his name?Farrell: [Finally close enough, drops the act.] You broads really think that you can get away with this.Crow [as April]: Well that's a weird name! The Amazing Transparent Man Servo: [dressed as a farmer, while Forrester suggests the SOL gang entertain visitors of Deep 13 with a Llama petting zoo] So you folks wanna touch the Llama, eh? That's right, eh? You can touch him all you want. You can touch him all night til' Hell freezes over! Not me, though; nosiree-bob! I wouldn't touch that smelly old thing. He hasn't been looking too good. Smells kind of funny too- smells really kinda rank! But you can touch him if you want! Ain't no law says you can't! Right, Mikey?Mike: [staring forward blankly] You people bring matches for Mikey?Servo: [screaming as Mike starts hitting himself and aggressively attempting to pet Crow's Llama disguise] YOU SHUT UP, MIKEY! YOU SHUT UP! You folks don't give NO matches to Mikey! You hear me? YOU HEAR ME?!! I don't care what Mikey say or Mikey do! I don't care if he comes crawling into your house at night, stark naked with a big 'ol knife! Don't give him no matches!! The Days of Our Years (short) [The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90:10.]Mike: So, we have 70 days in each year?Reverend: Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there.Crow: Oh, sure— HUH? [The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]Crow [as Little Girl]: [guiltily] I didn't hate accidents enough... [Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]Mike [as Reflection]: [gravelly voice] Come over to this side!Crow [as Reflection]: [eerily] Obey the toaster!Narrator: [on Joe's fiance Helen] She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe".Mike: So his name is Joe Joe? [Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]Narrator: She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.Crow: Speaking of accidents...Mike: [noticing a theme] So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age?Narrator: [during funeral sequence] Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall...Crow: [curtly] ...because he's DUMB! [Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]Tom [as George]: Boring!Crow [as George]: [as he shuts the curtains] There, my problem went away.Narrator: [on the frailty of time] A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years...Mike: A disastrous one would be cool to watch! [As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]Crow [as director]: Hey, we're tryin' to film here! The Amazing Transparent Man (movie) Crow: Hayley Mills in The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap!Servo: [singing along to the music] He's amazing and amusing, he's delicious and nutritious, two for breakfast, one for...Krenner: Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors.Mike [as Dr. Ulof]: You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words. [Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]Servo: If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving. . . .Crow [as Dr. Ulof]: Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal. . . . [Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]Crow: Kind of an abstract sculpture of Jayne Mansfield. . . . [Ulof inserts a Dremel-like device between the two globes.] Mike: I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty! . . . Mike: All this just to get a UHF station?[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]Crow: Oh, he's with the William Morris Agency. Krenner: Keep your eye on the guinea pig. Servo: [singing] Keep your eyeeeee on the guinea pig![Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.]Mike [as Faust]: I'll be right back right after this. Samson vs. the Vampire Women Samson vs. the Vampire Women (movie) Crow: Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the Cher jokes. [We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.] Crow: Last night I dreamt I went to El Manderley again.[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]Crow [as Owl]: ¡Qui! ¡Qui! . . .[a loud shriek is heard]Mike: "Someone taped over Seinfeld!" . . .[The camera zooms in on a desiccated woman's corpse in a casket.]Crow: Let the Cher jokes...begin. Servo: Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]Servo: Another successful José Eber makeover. Crow [as Tandra]: I'm pretty, so I have value now.[As Diana plays the "Moonlight" Sonata, four bats hover outside her window.]Servo: Hey, the woodland creatures love her music! Crow: I don't get the physics of a hovering bat. Servo: The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation! Crow [as Bat]: I don't know how long I can keep this up! Charles: Now why all the mystery? I can see that you're anxious to speak to me. Crow [as Orlof]: I am not anxious, it is you who is anxious. Professor Orlof: You see, Diana is in terrible danger, but what's a good way to explain it to you? Mike: Puppet theater? Charles: Well that's easy, start by explaining. Professor Orlof: I can't, Charles. I'm at a loss. Charles: Be frank, I want to hear all the details. I'm to understand that Diana could be in danger, Professor. I've been summoned here, because you hope I'll find an adequate way to protect her. Isn't that the truth? And nevertheless, you can't, or won't tell me what is happening. Servo [as Charles]: And that makes it hard to get the scene going! Charles: How can you expect any help when I don't know who it is I must protect your daughter from? Professor Orlof: Charles, I'm usually quite direct, and I don't like secrets, but in this case, I hesitate now because, you see, I'm not sure yet that's about what you'll say. Charles: Someone is trying to kidnap Diana so they can collect ransom from you. Come on now, speak up. Professor Orlof: No no, I swear, it's not true, Charles. No, it's something far more terrible than death itself, it's horrifying! I'm at a loss! Mike [as Orlof]: But forget I said anything. Professor Orlof: That's all I'm going to tell you now. Should you decide to help me, fine. If not, then leave me alone! Crow [as Charles]: Look, you invited me here! Charles: Now take it easy, Professor. I'll help you, and willingly. But how? Servo [as Orlof]: I can't tell you, now leave me alone! Professor Orlof: Tomorrow night, I'd like you to gather together some men, and good men, and come to the party, Charles. I mean to protect Diana. Servo [as Orlof]: Now get out of here! Charles: Now look, if she's in danger, why not disband the party? Professor Orlof: That's impossible. Diana's very sentimental. It's only what the girl deserves. But at the same time, she can't know the facts either. My, the situation is desperate! Charles: Now Professor, let me know what's happening here, simply for Diana's good. Professor Orlof: No, don't insist. I repeat, I can't say anymore. Now do me a favor, leave me alone. I have work to get done tonight. Crow [as Orlof]: Be sure to stop by again tomorrow, and then leave immediately! [Charles leaves the room] Servo [as Orlof]: No wait, come back! Crow [as Orlof]: Why won't he help me???[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]Crow [as Woman]: We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! Servo: Ah, the entire Mexican middle class.[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]Crow: [trying to stifle a laugh] PfftHAHA!!!''Samson: I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?Servo [as Samson]: I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress? . . .Mike [as Samson]''': So, do you need any wrestling done, or...?