Bo Burnham

thumb|right|Could I interest you in everything, all of the time? Bo Burnham (born August 21, 1990) is an American singer-songwriter, actor, comedian, and Internet celebrity. Bo fo Sho (2008) Walkin' my poodles, man, it never gets oldWith my dogs on the leash, I got bitches on the holdA first-AIDS kit? That's a rhesus monkey I bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie Bo fo' Sho''' High school party, senior yearBoys and girls are all sippin' on beerI like soda / Where's the soda?Am I the only fuckin' person here that likes soda? High School Party (Girl) My whole family thinks I'm gayI guess it's always been that wayMaybe it's 'cause of the way that I walkMakes them think I like... boys My Whole Family... Bo Burnham (album) Bo Burnham (2009) 'Cause I'm Bo, yo / I'm the greatest rapper everAnd I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or notThink you're better, you're not / Don't need a sweater, I'm hotI'm a real G, shorty, that can really find your G-spot I'm Bo Yo 'Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin' Bo nutsI can make 'em cream-filled or give them a layer of glazeI'm like Doug's friend Skeeter whenever I meet herBecause I skeet her so hard people call her Patty Mayonnaise I'm Bo Yo Love is... takin' a dive and gettin' really comfortable and peein' in the pool, andLove is... a real-life porn— minus all the stuff that makes porn cool, andLove is... a homeless guy searchin' for treasure in the middle of the rain, andFindin' a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate, andEven though he's heartbroken, he can't complain, 'cause he was hungry in the first place Love Is... Love is... your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, andLove is... the Holocaust, except you don't die quick and you don't get thinner, andLove is... bein' the owner of the company that makes rape whistles, andEven though you started the company with good intentions, trying to reduce the rate of rape,Now you don't want to reduce it at all, 'cause if the rape rate declines, you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales Love Is... What's a pirate minus the ship? / Just a creative homeless guyAnd an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? / An ironic way to dieAnd what's domain domain range? / A kid with too much in his pantsAnd two balls minus one? / Seven titles at the Tour de France New Math Words Words Words (2010) We the people of the USA / José, we're not talkin' to you, eseWe got a border in order to keep you out / It's what my NYU essay's aboutCause we're xenophobic warrior princess / Molested by my Uncle Sam, is that incest?"I Want You... to smell my finger! Does my nephew's scent still linger?" Words, Words, Words Look at all of Bo's hos, lookin' for a ride on Bo's hoseAnd I spot a little Latino, booty so big, call it "Oprah's ego"We go to it, through it / She says "¡Dios mia, mi amigo!"Pull it out, stick it in your mouth, and I bust in the back of ya"Swallow bitch! There's people starvin' in Africa!" Oh Bo If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no. If every day you play the board game RiskYou've probably never taken a riskIn your life / And Monopoly has farFrom a stranglehold on the board game marketA little kid died from suffocationWhen he choked on a game piece from Operation IRONIC We [artists] ask questions! [...] Questions like "Where are all the Sour Patch Parents?" Questions like "If Mickey's a mouse, and Minnie's a mouse, and Donald's a duck, and Daisy and Goofy-- if they're all animals and they can talk, why is Pluto just a fuckin' dog? Did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse, is Mickey keeping a mentally-handicapped dude as a pet? We know, Lord, from John 3:16, that you so loved the world that you sent your only son to die for us. Your only son! But at the same time, we're all your children, so in your eyes, we're a bunch of girls. So help us as we struggle with the temptations of lesbianism. Amen. The average person has one Fallopian tube. [pause for laughter] The average penis length is 5.5 inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who googles "average penis length" is 3.5 inches. I must be psychotic / I must be dementedTo think that I'm worthy of all this attentionOf all of this money you worked really hard forI slept in late while you worked at the drug storeMy drug's attention / I am an addictBut I get paid to indulge in my habitIt's all an illusion / I'm wearing makeupI'm wearing makeup, makeup, makeup Art Is Dead What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? ... Names!'' what. (2013) This next song is about how sad I am. It's about all the sad stuff; just picture a depressed onion cutting itself. "You shouldn't abstain from rape just 'cause you think that I want you to/ You shouldn't rape cause rape is a fucked up thing to do" "From the Perspective of God". "Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts! Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts! No ifs, ands, and/or butts, I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice, but no good for nut-sucking! They'll need a serene night to green light a butt-fucking, but that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking! Boo to the nice girls, praise he to slut fucking! I have a list. A list? Yes a list of all the sluts I've missed. I have not fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking pissed! So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list; another dumb cum bucket struck from my nut-sucking, suck-it-slut, slut fucking bucket list. (aside to the audience, "Yes! You hear the influences. Chaucer, Keats!) Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond! They can be skinny with big tits or skinny with small ones! Sluts can be perky or preppy or posh with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash! But some sluts are pretty and funny and smart...these sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science or music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don't trust these sluts. Don't...don't you dare. They'll force you to trust them and love them and care! And then they'll be gone and you'll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there." "I Fuck Sluts". Inside (2021) So I've been freaking out for a long time, thinking that I'm never gonna finish this special and I'm gonna be working on it forever. And recently, I've been feeling like, oh man, maybe I am getting close to done with this. Maybe I'm gonna finish it after all. And that has made me completely freak out because if I finish this special, that means I have to not work on it anymore, and that means I have to just live my life, and so I'm not gonna do that, and I'm gonna not finish this special. I'm gonna work on it forever, I think, and I'm never gonna release it. So I'm not talking to anybody right now, I'm just talking to myself. So yeah, who fucking cares? Fuck you, and goodbye, and let's keep going. You wanna hear a funny story? So uh... five years ago- I quit performing live comedy. Because I was beginning to have uh severe panic attacks while on stage. Which is not a great place to have them. So I-I quit... and I didn't perform for five years. And I spent that time trying to improve myself mentally. And you know what- I did, I got better. I got so much better in fact, that in January of... 2020, I thought "you know what I should... start performing again. I've been hiding from the world and I need to reenter." And then... the funniest thing happened... So, um... I've been working on this special now for six months. And the whole time I've had a... a goal in mind, which is I wanted to finish this thing before I turned 30. Um, because the idea of turning 30, while still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um, that just seemed... I just... I just wanted to avoid that. And you might be thinking, "Well, that's fine. You know, look at you, You radiate such youth, You must not be turning 30 for years." And that's very, uh, nice of you to say. But the truth is um, I turn 30 in less than a minute. So I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy my twenties, and then get back to work. Yay. The simple narrative taught in every history class Is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist Don't you know the world is built with blood?And genocide and exploitationThe global network of capital essentially functionsTo separate the worker from the means of productionAnd the FBI killed Martin Luther KingPrivate property's inherently theftAnd neoliberal fascists are destroying the leftAnd every politician, every cop on the streetProtects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite "How the World Works" Could I interest you in everything?All of the time?A little bit of everythingAll of the timeApathy's a tragedyAnd boredom is a crimeAnything and everythingAll of the time "Welcome to the Internet" Hey, what can you say?We were overdueBut it'll be over soon "That Funny Feeling" Sourced I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, [...] I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance. Joseph P. Kahn Joseph P. Kahn Nonfamily humor, straight from home y http://www.boston.com/ae/theater_arts/articles/2008/02/13/nonfamily_humor_straight_from_home/ The Boston Globe P. Steven Ainsley Boston, Massachusetts, USA 2008-02-13 2009-01-25 Irreverent songs win Hamilton youth a cult following External links Category:Actors from Massachusetts Category:Comedians from the United States Category:Stand-up comedians from the United States Category:Musicians from the United States Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States Category:1990 births Category:Living people