Harley Quinn (TV series)/Season 1

Season 1 2 3 Special 4 Main Harley Quinn is an American adult animated web television series based on the Harley Quinn character created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm. Til Death Do Us Part [1.01] The Joker: [posing as a rich man] Gentlemen! My fellow whites. Let's raise a glass to this pyramid of money, the foundation of which was built upon our favorite pastime: fucking the poor! Commissioner Gordon: You're a cancer, Quinn. Spreading from Gotham's lymph nodes into its spleen, and God help us if you get to Gotham's bladder! But I'm the chemo! Harley Quinn: [to Batman] How long's he gonna keep doing this? Commissioner Gordon: You're a festering boil, Quinn! A bedsore! A tapeworm that sets up shop in Gotham's lower-- Batman: Jim. Commissioner Gordon: All right. Where's the Joker? Harley Quinn: I'll never give up my Puddin'! Batman: Why are you protecting a psychotic clown that treats you like garbage? Harley Quinn: Asked the guy who fucks bats. Commissioner Gordon: HE DOESN'T DO THAT! Batman: Jim. Commissioner Gordon: Sorry. Poison Ivy: Ugh, look what all those months in Arkham did to my poor babies. And where is that stupid neighbour kid I hired to water them, for fuck's sake? Frank the Plant: Uh, he quit after a week. Very unprofes-- [retches and regurgitates the kid's digested remains] Poison Ivy: Really, Frank? What if his parents come to look for him? Frank the Plant: Unlikely. [hocks up the remains of both parents] Harley Quinn: [excitedly] Is this the good kinda acid that gives you superpowers?! The Riddler: No! Harley Quinn: Awwww... Poison Ivy: Just stopped by to check up on ya, but I see you're doin' great, love the new look, I'm gonna pick up some Thai food, text me what you want, okay? Harley Quinn: Oh, no, wait! I'll have a green potato curry. Poison Ivy: Yeah, but I mean-I just-just text it to me. Harley Quinn: But you're right here. Poison Ivy: Yeah, but then I'm not going to remember what you want, and you won't like what I get you, and you're gonna want some of mine. Just-just fuckin' text it. A High Bar [1.02] Scarecrow: [gossiping with Bane] Oh, crazy about Joker and Harley. I heard they tried an open relationship thing, which everybody knows only works for gay men... The Joker: I need a permit for a trap door?! The whole point is no one is supposed to know about it! Especially the city! Bane: Harley is at Penguin's nephew's bar mitzvah. Joker: She crashed the stupid thing?! Bane: Yeah, seems like she's doing pretty well. Brought a tiger. Pretty cool. Joker: What?! Anyone can buy a tiger! You know she has HPV, right? Bane: Hey, most sexually active adults do. Joker: SHUT UP! Harley Quinn: I know it's you, Scarecrow, Two-Face, other half of Two-Face, [in a deep voice, doing a muscle-flexing pose] Bane! [Two-Face and Scarecrow laugh] Bane: [sulkily] I'm going to blow up this Bar Mitzvah! Two-Face: Quinn, great to see you! Where you been hiding? Harley Quinn: On your left, where you can't see shit. [Bane, Two-Face and Scarecrow laugh] Joker: BANE! Quit dicking around with Kite Man and get those two! Bane: But he was attacking me. Joker: With what?! A KITE?! Just do what I tell you, you dumb, freakish monster! Harley Quinn: Bane, why are you letting him talk to you like that? [to the other villains] In fact, why do any of you let him talk to you like that? He doesn't even have powers! His only power is bullying you into doing what he wants. I should know. He did it to me for years. Joker: Don't listen to her! She's nothing! Bane: She makes a good point. I don't like how you called me a monster. Scarecrow: Yeah, that was pretty harsh... Two-Face: Oh yeah... Joker: Oh my God, it's just an expression! Bane: Also, let's talk about dinner! I selected the beef well in advance and you stole it from me! You said you didn't even want to come to this "stupid thing!" [Everyone gasps and gives the Joker disapproving looks] Bane: My feelings exactly! This is a monumental night for young Joshua! [To the boys transforming into trees] Poison Ivy: Okay, boys. [claps] So, I got the antidote to turn you back into humans, okay? But the only effective way of doing it is when my saliva interacts... [shrugs and sighs] with your saliva. Benjamin: [grinning] So... is this a kiss? Poison Ivy: No! It's not a kiss, it is... it is an antidote delivery system, nothing more. You will still be sexless nerds by the time the night is over, okay? [drinks the antidote] And... [kisses the boys one by one, turning them human again] Yep. This is... this is procedural, okay? [Benjamin tries his luck again, carrying a branch] Yeah, I kissed you already, buddy. Benjamin: Yeah, I'm... I'm still a little bit tree! Poison Ivy: Ah, fuck off, get outta here. Harley Quinn: Yeah, fuck off, kid. So You Need a Crew? [1.03] Harley Quinn: I need a fucking crew! Poison Ivy: No, you need a shower. Dr. Psycho: [Fighting Wonder Woman] OW! That really hurt, you cunt! [Everything, including the Earth itself, comes to a shocked standstill] Poison Ivy: [Watching the fight on TV] Holy shit! Harley Quinn: [To Maxie Zeus] Ah, Got it. So you're just a creepy dick, I'm not fucking you. Clayface: The name is Clayface, thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city! Dr. Psycho: I thought you were playing the role of literal piece of shit. Clayface: Not yet. [Transforms into Doctor Psycho] NOW I'm a literal piece of shit! Dr. Psycho: So who do you need me to mind-control to open the door? Harley Quinn: No, no. No one. Just squeeze into the crawlspace, get into the house, and open it from the inside. Dr. Psycho: Are you shitting me? I'm a genius telepath! Why're you wasting me on THIS? Harley Quinn: You're the only thing small enough to fit! Dr. Psycho: Got it. Sonofabitch! Harley Quinn: Then they all ran off with that loser Kite Man! Poison Ivy: Yeah, what a loser that guy is. Did he mention my name? Poison Ivy: Holy fucking shit, Harls. You did it. I would not have seen that coming. Finding Mr. Right [1.04] Superman: Is she mad about the paywall too? $7.99 is an ambitious price point, and it doesn't include the crossword, which is ridic. Harley Quinn: Robin's lying. Why would I fight a kid?! I want a nemesis with some hair on their chest! Poison Ivy: [snorts in amusement] Well, that rules out Batman. Catwoman says he waxes everything. Poison Ivy: You can't fuck with Lois Lane, people. What if Superman comes?! Harley Quinn: Great! Then I'll have the most powerful nemesis in the WORLD! Poison Ivy: Oh, brother... Harley Quinn: All right, that's it, enough of this shit. We're killing Robin. [Her gang all look shocked] Poison Ivy: Harley! You can't kill him. Harley Quinn: You don't think I can kill a 12 year old? Oh, okay. Well, I will smash in his face, WITH A BAT, LIKE A WATERMELON! Poison Ivy: Oh, no, no, I believe you have the ability to kill him. What I'm saying is, if you do it, you validate what everyone's saying. That Robin's your nemesis. King Shark: Also, you'd be a child killer, which some may argue is worse. Lois Lane: I don't retract articles and I definitely not writing a puff piece about... what was your headline? Joshua Cobblepot: Kill him, Ivy! The Joker: Harley! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you trying to steal my Batman? Dr. Psycho: Last week I was in the fucking Legion of Doom and now THIS is my life! Batman: I'm gonna say something embarrassing here. I didn't have a nemesis until... my late twenties. Robin: Don't patronize me, father, it's unbecoming. Batman: It's true. I wasn't ready for one. You want your first nemesis to be special. Someone that you can see being your nemesis for the rest of your life. Robin: I suppose you're right, father... When can I start having sex? Batman: I... think I hear the bat-signal. [Grapples the hooks away] Being Harley Quinn [1.05] [The crew are in Harley's mind, watching her memories] Young Harley Quinn: I am honoured to be the valedictorian and I just want to thank absolutely no-one! Fuck all of you. Fuck the principal. Fuck the shop teacher who looks at my ass every time I walk out of class - yeah, I see you. Have a great fucking summer. Doctor Psycho: I basically gave the same speech at my sister's wedding. Harley Quinn: Hey, Ive, I think there's something really screwed up about me. Poison Ivy: I wanna say this in just the most loving way, but there's NO way that this is just occurring to you now. King Shark: Sorry you didn't get that mack-in-a you were talkin' about—but at least that guy showed up outta nowhere to save us for no reason! Dr. Psycho: Now everyone hold hands and squeeze your butt cheeks together. You're a Damn Good Cop, Jim Gordon [1.06] Giganta: You think I care about you or your jolly green whore? Poison Ivy: Okay, I'm standing right here. Giganta: I don't have time to give some review. I'm too busy getting cunnilingus from my new boyfriend Brad, who's amazing at it! Dr. Psycho: [Scoffs] Only weak men do that. [Brad uses his tongue to sculpt a statue from ice cream] Oh, fucking hell! Poison Ivy: [Impressed] Call me. Poison Ivy: Quick side bar. How did this [i.e. being married to Giganta] work...sexually? Dr. Psycho: Not great! Dr. Psycho: [Rides an invisible motorcycle from a skyscraper] I am a golden god! Poison Ivy: I don't understand your obsession with the Legion of Doom. They are actual pieces of shit. Harley Quinn: Obviously! But those pieces of shit were the only people Joker respected. I'll never match up to him unless I'm in the Legion too. Poison Ivy: So let me get this straight: you're not over your ex, and you want to throw your success in his face. Harley Quinn: Exactly! Poison Ivy: Honestly, that might be the most relatable thing you've ever said. Harley Quinn: [Looking around Batman's Batcave as she dangles from the ceiling] So this must be where you fuck the bats. Dr. Psycho: [To Harley] Can you please fire me now so I can get some unemployment? Harley Quinn: We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne! Prisoner 1: Hey, fresh fish! Prisoner 2: Here, fishy, fishy, fishy! King Shark: Now fellas, look, I know it's just in fun, but WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT WORD?!?! Prisoner 1: [sheepishly] Oh, yeah. Sorry, King... Prisoner 2: Ooh, Sorry about that... King Shark: [calmly and happily] Oh. They're learning. Baby steps, right, Harley? [to the prisoners, as Ivy's vine takes him and Harley away] I WILL KILL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS IF I HAVE TO!!!! The Line [1.07] Poison Ivy: First of all, I care about the environment. Okay, I don't know what about that makes me a bad guy. Harley Quinn: Yeah, says the girl who dissolved the head of Ace Chemicals in a bath of his own herbicide. Poison Ivy: Best Earth Day ever. Queen of Fables: You know, no one ever talks about it, but it's almost impossible to get brain out of a cape. Queen of Fables: You fucked up, Harley. Harley Quinn: You know, I do a lot of that, so you're going to have to be more specific. Jason Praxis: My cousin twice removed... completely removed. L.O.D.R.S.V.P. [1.08] King Shark: You're not my Dad! Aquaman: That is contrary to what she said. [Aquaman breaks a fish tank in a fight, causing the fish to splash all over the floor] Bane: Look! I am stomping on your fish! Aquaman: Bane, stop it! [Aquaman picks up as much sealife as he can] Harley Quinn: Hey, there's a YMCA pool down the street! Aquaman: Oh, yeah, yeah! "Just throw saltwater fish into a chlorinated pool! Water's water, I guess!" Come on! What are you, four? Poison Ivy: Hey, buddy, now that you're done kissing your own asshole... Lex Luthor: That's not a phrase. Harley Quinn: So you got a fish tank and you do improv? Poison Ivy: Wow, you're my shitty college boyfriend. Poison Ivy: Is that what it stands for? I thought it was Legion of Dildos. Lex Luthor: That is a sex shop down the street with whom we're currently in a protracted legal battle. Poison Ivy: Did someone call for... kelp? A Seat at the Table [1.09] Bane: I wish they would make a sequel to Up. Lex Luthor: No, they can’t! The story ended with the first movie. Scarecrow: Unless... the kid is the old man in the sequel. Bane: Oh, that’s fun! That’s a good one! Harley Quinn: When my mind is set, it is set. Hell, they blew out three electricshock machines at Arkham trying to get through to me. The Joker: You know, everyone remembers me for the big crimes. The murders, the cripplings. But it's the little ones that keep me going. King Shark: Instead of a boy, it's a fish, and instead of a wolf... Harley Quinn: It's an orca. King Shark: No! It's a wolf named Orca. But it can swim, which is terrifying! Clayface: What did you say to Black Manta to elicit such rage? Dr. Psycho: Nothing racist... Bane: What is taking your shark friend so long to plant the bomb? Dr. Psycho: Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because he's a shark and not a demolitions expert! Poison Ivy: You're in a pot, Frank. I'd have to carry you. Frank the Plant: So what? I carry you emotionally. Clayface: They put us in the goon pool. Harley Quinn: Ooh, that sounds fun. Dr. Psycho: Fun? It's not the fun kind of pool! Bane: Is your card... the three of clubs? Harley Quinn: No. Bane: Fuck. Harley Quinn: I know you were just trying to protect me and, listen, I'm gonna do the same thing for you. Okay, just cause I'm a card carrying member of the Legion of Doom now... Poison Ivy: Fuck that place in the ass! [Saving Harley Quinn from falling after the Joker tossed her out from his helicopter] Batman: [Sympathetically] Some things never change, Quinn. Lex Luthor: This is where we get approval for the use of Legion resources like goons and getaway cars... Bane: And 'splosions! Lex Luthor: I have no idea what the fuck "'splosions" are, Bane! But we do have EXPLOSIVES. Bane: The streets will run with razzy zazzy! Bensonhust [1.10] Harley Quinn: How much of this am I hallucinating? Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Just me. Weirdly, the passed-out guy with the boner and the talking plant driving a car are both real. Bane: The credit card is for emergencies only, but your bill is all candies and vape pens and something suspiciously labelled "dolphin encounter"! When you put out a hit, you pay in cash! Joshua Cobblepot: Okay, fine, I'll cancel it! Bane: Already done, because I am this credit card's reckoning! I am cutting this card, and I am cutting it in half— [tries cutting the card in half with childproof scissors] ...These blades are dull. I will bend it! Joshua Cobblepot: Don't do that! Bane: Too late! Do you think I want to be "Credit Card Paying Man"? I have dreams, too! Bane: You could blow them up. Harley Quinn: Ehh, not really my thing. Bane: I could blow them up. Frank the Plant: People shit on the WNBA, but I'm a purist. Get those dunks the fuck out my face. Gimme a nice crisp bounce pass. That's my shit. I'm all about the fundamentals. Harley Quinn: He broke every promise he ever made! Sharon Quinzel: And he apologized for that and made a whole bunch of new ones. Harley Quinn Highway [1.11] Scarecrow: Tsk tsk tsk. Trying to escape on surgery day. Don't worry, insurance will cover it. [beat] ...Obviously that was a joke; insurance would never cover this. I-I think we can all agree they're the real villains, yeah? Poison Ivy: I would agree with tha— [Gets sedated] Clayface: Good thinking, old chum, knowing I would clog up its gears but it wouldn't kill me. Dr. Psycho: Yeah, that was, uh, that was definitely a thing I knew. Poison Ivy: Who the fuck braided my hair? Sy Borgman: Eh, I was bored. Mook: She has no powers now, she's just a helpless woman! Poison Ivy: Uh, who still has hands! [Picks up a gun and shoots him] And the goddamn Second Amendment! [Clayface throws up clay, and reabsorbs the clay back into himself] King Shark: I do not know how you can live with yourself. Harley Quinn: Gentleman--and Psycho--begin Phase 2. King Shark: That was incredibly violent. I did not realize there was so much stuff inside a tree. Frank the Plant: Everybody feel that pucker in your asshole? That means shit is about to get real. Frank the Plant: [To Harley Quinn] Where'd you learn to give a speech? You put your thesis statement at the motherfuckin' top. [The crew discovers that Poison Ivy's biggest fear is... Harley Quinn?] Frank the Plant: Oh, shit! Clayface: Dear God. We're Empire Strikes Back-ing it! Frank the Plant: You're her biggest fear? I did NOT see that coming. That's some M. Night Shyamalama shit! Devil's Snare [1.12] Poison Ivy: We didn't do it! We aren't responsible for the tree monsters! I secretly watch NASCAR! I take long showers! I think paper straws are stupid and get too soggy! I was excited for Jazz Fest! [Cries out in agony as the Lasso Of Truth glows] Fine! I was very excited for Jazz Fest! Clayface: I know what we need! An idea! ... Anybody got one? Clayface: Oy! Bubbeh, it is I, Grandfather Wolf! Dr. Psycho: Okay. First, that's a male wolf, dressed like an elderly human female. Second, why is your wolf Jewish? Clayface: ...I took a swing. Harley Quinn: Nice save, Jerk-Off League! Superman: That's not our name at all. [Ivy becomes a giant] Dr. Psycho: [Gets excited] Thirty dollars if you put me in your pocket! [Everyone stares at him] What? I got a type. You knew this. Poison Ivy: You know what? You're really taking the romance out of it when you just call it "my plant control thing". King Shark: Uh, I hate to be a downer, but we are completely and utterly screwed. Oh, I wore that well. Umm, maybe I don't hate being a downer. Ooh, maybe I shouldn't feel so much pressure to put a positive spin on things. Harley Quinn: All right, everybody, back in the tank. If you need to pee, now's your chance. King Shark: People ask me who would win between a wolf and a shark. [Spits out a bone] It's a shark. Queen of Fables: Word of advice: don't smell Rapunzel's hair. Ain't no shower in that tower. The Final Joke [1.13] The Joker: [After throwing Harley Quinn into acid] Wait a minute. Did anyone hear a splash? I've fallen in acid enough times to know that there should be a splash. Batman: I work alone. Commissioner Gordon: What about me? Batman: Not now, Jim. The Joker: Now I know Batman is just some boring rich asshole with parental issues. Batman: That's really reductive. The Joker: What is wrong with me? Batman: You're a sociopathic narcissist! The Joker: It was rhetorical, asshole! And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist? King Shark: Harley, a few words? [Harley stifles back her tears] Clayface: Let her grieve. I've prepared a little something. [Clears his throat while Harley sobs] We have gathered today to pay respects to our beloved friend. Her death was not an empty sacrifice. And, of my friend, I will say just this. Of all the souls I have met on my journeys, hers was the most - human. Dr. Psycho: Wow, that, uh [sniffles] Wasn't awful. Clayface: As apropos a speech now as when it was originally delivered by William Shatner's Captain James Tiberius Kirk in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan. The Joker: I know I should have harpooned you in the head. One in the head, one in the heart. It's Harpooning 101. [Joker approaches newly-unmasked Batman/Bruce Wayne] The Joker: WayneTech promised an electric car by this year! I put a deposit down! Where's my goddamn electric car, Bruce?! Category:Harley Quinn (TV series) seasons