Mystery Science Theater 3000/Specials

Mystery Science Theater Hour Host Segments Cave Dwellers Gamera Pod People Jack Perkins: You know, often people stop me on the street and they ask, "What's it really like? This world of Deep 13?" Well, rather than go on and on, taking advantage of my privileged position as confidant to these two enigmatic dilettantes, I ask simply in return, "Have you seen Pod People?" And now you'll be able to say "Yes, I have seen Pod People." From plotting, to characterization, to cinematography, not to mention the unbelievable use of fog and syntho-rock, this is what you can expect from Deep 13 and the Mystery Science Theater Hour. Enjoy. Jack Perkins: Pod People was made right on the heels of that enchanting blockbuster, E.T., which grossed over half a billion dollars worldwide. Pod People didn't do nearly as well, in fact it didn't even do nearly as well as Mac and Me. Oh well. Time of the Apes Daddy-O Jack Perkins: Today's movie is called Daddy-O, a real gem, starring singer Dick Contino, who is still packing them in in Las Vegas. As aged as this film is, it still looks surprisingly "hip" or "modern" — a strong testament to the care that went into every frame. I'm afraid some of the hipper lingo is lost on these aging ears, but no matter. I'm betting Crow, Servo, Gypsy, and Joel can take the heat of Daddy-O. So turn it all the way up to eleven, and let's rock this mother! Jack Perkins: You know, I can't help but admit a certain fondness for the swinging happy days. It takes me back my tattered leather jacket and pompadour. I eagerly and frequently traded knuckle sandwiches with the best minds of my generation. I, too, howled. Awoo! The Amazing Colossal Man Fugitive Alien It Conquered the World Gamera vs. Guiron Earth vs. the Spider Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent War of the Colossal Beast The Unearthly Santa Claus Conquers the Martians Jack Perkins: You know, Christmas depresses millions, but I must admit, I sky during the holidays, and when I see some slump-shouldered gloomy-gus walking forlornly through the festooned mall area of my home town, I wanna shake him and shout, "Suck it up! What have you got to be sorry for?!" ... but I resist. Jack Perkins: Did you know the delightful "Hooray for Santa Claus" theme song was released as a single? And that Santa Claus Conquers was also released as a Dell comic book? Well, as those charming stand-up comedians say, "Give me more of that!" Space Travelers The Giant Gila Monster Teenagers from Outer Space Hercules Unchained Hercules Against the Moon Men The Magic Sword Tormented The Beatniks Crash of Moons Attack of the the Eye Creatures The Human Duplicators The Day the Earth Froze Jack Perkins: [holding a fairytale book] Hello, dear friends. I was just reading a delightful Swedish fairytale based, oddly enough on the supergroup, ABBA. Hmm... Jack Perkins: Welcome back, dear viewers, to the conclusion of The Day the Earth Froze on the Mystery Science Theater Hour. I can't wait to get started, but first let's take a look at what happened in part one. The beautiful ornithologist Annikki is wooed by Übermensch Lemminkäinen, ace log rider. Meanwhile, the evil witch of the mountain kidnapped Annikki to coerce Annikki's brother into making a Sampo, a coveted, yet delightfully vague prize. Annikki's brother and Lemminkäinen rush to rescue the maiden. I can't wait to get started, I confess, I'm rather taken by that fetching Swedish hotcake of a witch. [laughs] Part two of The Day the Earth Froze. Grrr! Manos: The Hands of Fate Jack Perkins: [imitating Torgo] "The Master is always here." "The Master will not like it." [laughs] Boy, that Master's got a lot to learn about the hospitality business, doesn't he? I mean that is a weird hotel! By the by, manos is actually Spanish for "hands," so today's film is Hands: the Hands of Fate. Isn't that sneaky? Jack Perkins: I hate to say it, but there was one thing about this movie that to me, didn't make much sense. That father seemed like an intelligent fellow, but my gosh he did a terrible job planning that vacation! One hard lesson I've learned is that you've got to plan every step of every day, and that only goes double when you're traveling! It just makes my skin crawl to see a vacation ruined by bad planning! So if you can, join us next time on the Mystery Science Theater Hour, but please be careful. Secret Agent Super Dragon The Magic Voyage of Sinbad Jack Perkins: Now I must warn you, the Sinbad in today's film is not quite the swarthy adventurer of yore, he resembles my Uncle Phil — A slim whiskery fellow who manages a tobacco store. Jack Perkins: [juggling and wearing a clown headdress] Bonswa, dear friends. I, too, dreamed of the circus as an escape from my stifling home life. I still grow nostalgic at the smell of grease paint, and elephant hair, and... oh I do so long to punch a clown. Jack Perkins: Hey, regarding the catfish we saw nuzzling Poseidon, isn't the catfish a freshwater creature? By the way, if you're looking for a great catfish bait, take a big gob of liver sausage and mix it all up with a couple of dozen of those big juicy nightcrawlers. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results. I Accuse My Parents Turkey Day '91 Crow: Hi, you're watching Turkey Day, here on Comedy Central. Turkey fact number 12: if you leave turkeys out in the rain, they'll drown. Stupid jerks. [as Dr. Forrester watches the Thanksgiving Day Parade] TV's Frank: Well, I'm glad to see you're finally focusing on something besides ruining people's Thanksgivings. Dr. Forrester: Uh, yeah, right. TV's Frank: So, how's the parade going? What did I miss? Dr. Forrester: Oh, you missed that crappy caterpillar they repaint every year, the quick bunny balloon, and about 2000 of the worst clowns I've ever seen. TV's Frank: Look, it's the Underdog balloon! Oh, this is great! He's my favorite! You know, this is starting to really feel like Thanksgiving! Dr. Forrester: Yes it is. [pushes a button on a remote detonator, causing an explosion] Die, boy, die! TV's Frank: Oh my God I don't believe it- oh this is awful! Oh- falling down in a terrible- oh it's the worst thing of- OH THE HUMANITY!!! [sobbing] Dr. Forrester: Slight the turkey, Frank. He must die, so that we may live. Dr. Forrester: Well, kiddies, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be pulling the plug on your all-too-precious Thanksgiving. We won't be watching E.T. Instead, we're going to be watching this crumby Czechoslovakian ripoff called Pod People. TV's Frank: Oh, come on. I thought we were going to have the TV off after dinner. Jack Perkins: If anyone's interested, I'm going to be reading from Dylan Thomas's enchanting work titled A Child's Christmas in Wales. TV's Frank: Ooh! Dr. Forrester: Oh, I don't think so, Jack. I wouldn't call that good TV. TV's Frank: Oh, that cuts it! If anyone's interested, Jack is going to be doing his reading in the kitchen. Come on. [everyone else leaves the room] Dr. Forrester: Well, at least you and I can watch this together. If you're wondering in your family whether to watch my show, Mystery Science Theater 3000, or E.T.: the Extraterrestrial, make things go your way and spoil things for your friends and family by telling them at the end of the movie, E.T. goes home. Ball's in your court, Spielberg! Oh and by the way, I'm dating Amy Irving, and she's hot. Jack Perkins: [drunk and wandering over to the camera] Hello, Linda Ellerbee, if you are out there, I've got something to say to you. Isn't it ironic that I'm pulling out about six figures a year in my cushy cable job, while you're out there peddling Maxwell House co- [Forrester shocks him with a cattle prod] AAAGH! TV's Frank: Heh... he's a bit into the Harvey's Bristol Cream. Dr. Forrester: Frank, get rid of him, or I will. TV's Frank: So, how'd the experiment go? Dr. Forrester: Fine, Frank. Just fine. TV's Frank: You were sorely missed. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner asked for you. Dr. Forrester: Frank, I was right here. I don't understand it, after beaming 26 straight hours of our Turkey Day marathon across the country, Atlanta should be burning by now. TV's Frank: [sighs] It was the greatest dinner party I have ever given. Even grander than last April's hat party. Hmm. What did you think? Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'm a scientist. I don't have time to think. TV's Frank: Oh, someone's over-tired. Why don't you put your stuff away and get some sleep, Steve? Dr. Forrester: I just don't know, I don't know what I did! TV's Frank: Look, you didn't get much to eat. Here, I made you a snack. [offers an apple] Want some? Dr. Forrester: [slaps the apple away] I don't have time for a snack, I- Frank, THAT'S IT! Daddy-O! YES! FRANK, YOU'RE BRILLIANT, I COULD KISS- right! Daddy-O! [Dr. Forrester sits downtrodden after the marathon concludes] TV's Frank: Come on, Papa, eat. Dr. Forrester: I failed, Frank. How hard could it be to take over the world? Piece of cake, right? TV's Frank: Oh, come on, don't be so hard on yourself. You just did a 30 hour marathon of your most diabolical experiments ever, I mean not just any stiff could pull that off. Dr. Forrester: No, Frank, you're the trooper here. You put on that great spread, and the place looked great, and you looked great, and... I just wanna tell you Frank, I really admire you. TV's Frank: Thanks Steve. Takes a big man to admit that. Dr. Forrester: No, Frank, I mean it. You're a real booster. You know, I think I'll have a piece of that pumpkin pie. TV's Frank: [nervously chuckling] Well I... used that on my sandwich- don't have any left... Dr. Forrester: Oh, no matter. Minced meat it is, then. TV's Frank: [nervously chuckling] ... added to a shake... not any left... I didn't... Dr. Forrester: Start running, Frank. TV's Frank: Yes sir. Turkey Day '92 Crow: If you're taping, this is a good time to pause! Crow: You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. Beats the hell out of mincemeat, don't it? Gypsy: It's the "Lost Continent" on Turkey Day Marathon here at Comedy Central. It's getting late, you may want a blanket and a nice cup of cocoa. Servo: You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. Now might be a good time to check on your mom. Gypsy: You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. You know, cleaning up isn't just a girl's job! The Dead Talk Back/Comedy Central Broadcast's Zombie Nightmare Promo Gypsy: I've been asked my colleagues Crow. T Robot, Tom Servo, and Mike to let you know that this week on Mystery Science Theater 300 at 7:00 PM at Comedy Central on Saturday, our movie will be "Zombie Nightmare". That's 7 PM on Comedy Central this Saturday. Turkey Day '95 Dr. Forrester: Ah, greetings, you unfortunate total losers. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, it's Thanksgiving, and once again, I shall soon be ruling the world. As you cling to one another, weeping in desperation, you may ask, "Why now? Why me?" Because my mother's coming over in a few hours, and I'd like to be ruling the world by the time she gets here. [the doorbell rings] Oh no! Mother! She's early! Oh, what do I do?! I'm not ruling the world! [answers the door] Jack Perkins: Hello, and warm Thanksgivings greetings, Dr. Clayton Forrester. Dr. Forrester: PERKINS?! What the hell are you doing here, you pedantic, leathery old-?! Jack Perkins: Now Clay, come, I come bearing an invitation from Television's own Frank, done in a tasteful, yet not too formal bookman old style font on a crisp and elegant eggshell- Dr. Forrester: Would you just give me this?! [takes the invitation away] "Please join Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank... THANKSGIVING DINNER?!" FRAAAAAAAANK!!!!! [begins sobbing] Jack Perkins: Oh, now Clay, this is going to be fun. Say, I brought a tangy Mexican three-layer dip. I hope there's enough for everyone. Dr. Forrester: Everyone? There's more??? Oh, son of a- Perkins, my mother will be here in just a few hours. I don't even know what I have in the kitchen. Maybe some Ramen noodles... Jack Perkins: Oh, now Clay, that'll never do for Mother Forrester, let alone the rest of the guests. I'll tell you what let's do. Why don't you nip to the store with this list, prepared for me by Burt Wolf, just about the finest shopping list I've ever seen, and I'll stay here and take care of things here. Dr. Forrester: Uh huh, good, good. I'll just nip down to Piggly Wiggly, and get the stuff on the- oh be a dear, Jack and send them the movie? Jack Perkins: Why of course. [Dr. Forrester runs off] Hello, and welcome to the first movie in this our Turkey Day marathon. This one is a fun hunk of cinematic sludge that I like to think of as one of the finest-[Forrester runs back and gives him a card to read from before running off again] Thank you. "You brainless monkeys, I will make you bow down before me. One day, you will all be before me prostrate, quaking, naked and frayed, and I... will show you the meaning of loss. [laughs] So that I might quickly dominate you, this year I've selected a fast-acting episode from the first year of my experiment, The Crawling Hand- Ahhh! Enjoy." Dr. Forrester: [with an armful of groceries] Perkins! Jack? They didn't have those shiitake mushrooms, so I got canned mushrooms, and I didn't know what that basmati rice was, so I got Uncle Ben. [Mr. B Natural suddenly appears] Ah! Who are you what are you doing here what do you want with me?! Mr. B Natural: I'm Mr. B Natural, and I embody the spirit of music in you and you! Knew your father, I did! Dr. Forrester: Is it money you want? Jack Perkins: Ah, Mr. B Natural, I see you got Frank's invitation! Mr. B Natural: Brought a Mexican three-layer dip, I did! Dr. Forrester: Oh, look you two, I am really trying to rule the world before my mother gets here so if you could just- oh just make yourself at home. Mr. B Natural: Well that will make me feel like a happy king! Dr. Forrester: Oh boy... Dr. Forrester: Ah, hello again, America, and welcome to the third installment of my MST marathon. By the end of the day- you see, my mother is coming, and I promised her that I will RULE THE WORLD! AH HA HA HA HA- Jack Perkins: Dr. Forrester, taste some of my cornbread stuffing, a recipe given me by the great Jacques Pépin as we were mushrooming and- [is pushed offscreen by Dr. Forrester] Dr. Forrester: Unfortunately, I've also got to deal with some weird guests that Frank invited before he was subsumed up into heaven whenever the hell that was. So if we're all very lucky, cross our fingers, we won't have anymore uninvited guests. [Pitch suddenly appears] Pitch: Hi! Heh heh heh! Dr. Forrester: Oh, go away! Pitch: Oh, but I brought a Mexican three-layer dip, heh heh heh! Dr. Forrester: Oh, just put it on the bed, I've got important things- Mr. B Natural: [suddenly appearing] Hi! Would you like to be a happy king? Jack Perkins: Ah, Mr. B Natural, allow me to introduce Satan, Pitch, Scratch, Beelzebub, ruler of the domain of never-ending darkness, old gooseberry. Dr. Forrester: Great! I'm trying to rule the world before my mother gets here, and I've got Satan, I've got some androgynous man-woman, and I've got Peter Graves Jr. in my house! Jack Perkins: Hey! Dr. Forrester: A joke, Perkins. A joke. Jack Perkins: You know, Satan, I am pleased to meet you. Won't you guess my name? [he and Pitch laugh] But what's puzzling me... Pitch: The nature of my game! Heh heh heh! Dr. Forrester: Look you two, I don't care if Frank did invite you for Thanksgiving, I gotta control the world before my mother gets here or we are all in so much trouble! [the doorbell rings] Oh great, now who's this? Another freak for the pile?! [answers the door] And you would be... Kitten with the Whip: [enters holding a litterbox] Uh, Kitten with the Whip. I brought this... [coughs up a hairball] For you. And where should I put this? Dr. Forrester: Oh, just put that in the bathroom, and don't spray anything! My mom's coming over. Kitten with the Whip: Hey, it's not like I'm in heat! [Mr. B Natural walks by] Although I uh... could be persuaded. Dr. Forrester: She's a guy. Kitten with the Whip: Aw... [as a heavily intoxicated Jack Perkins and Mr. B Natural talk] Jack Perkins: I like you. You're funny. Mr. B Natural: Yep, Well um, I'm gonna go and do that thing I was- Jack Perkins: Mr. B Natural, God I can't believe you're a guy. Mr. B Natural: [nervously] Yep! Every bit of me, all man! Jack Perkins: Well then, so be it! I guess I'm just gonna have to trust my instincts on this one. Sir, allow me to kiss you. [kisses Mr. B Natural, much to the other's horror] [as Dr. Forrester distributes beer to the guests while they swing a song Jack Perkins plays on the piano] Dr. Forrester: Boy that Perkins is really hot, huh? Eh, mom? MOTHER! Uh you're here- Pearl: Where's Frank? Dr. Forrester: Uh, Frank is not here, mother. Pearl: Not here, Clayton? Oh good one, Clayton, I come all this way to s- Say... [fixes her hair] Jack has never looked better. Dr. Forrester: Happy Thanksgiving, mother. Pearl: Yeah, sure. Dr. Forrester: Uh, you're just in time to see me take over the entire world, mom. Pearl: That's nice, dear. Say, who's the red-hooved one down there at the end? The cloven one, it is him! [pushes past Dr. Forrester] Dr. Forrester: Ah, you're here. Listen, I need you to snap-to. My mom's here and I promised to take over the world before pie is served. So uh... help me out, and I won't destroy you. Mike: We'llllll think about it. Hey, it looks like you got a regular Playboy After Dark shindig going on there. Dr. Forrester: Yes, it's Frank. He invited them last April. Even in the afterlife, he mocks me. Pearl: So what is this, Star Trek: Voyager or something? Dr. Forrester: Oh no no, mother, this is my experiment. Remember when I shot a- Pearl: Art? Is that you? Crow: Why Pearl, how good to see you! Pearl: Oh, Art, you rogue, it has been so long. Crow: Ah, you're looking radiant, Pearl. Ten years younger since the scars were sanded off! Pearl: Oh, you charmer, you! So, you work with my spawn. Crow: Yup. Pretty much run the place. [Servo clears his throat] Oh, these are the guys who work for me. MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special [a clip is shown from Forrest Gump ] Forrest's Mother: Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get! [cut back to Servo & Crow] Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, "Life is a like box of chocolates"? Well I got a better analogy! "Life is like a crap sandwich! The more bread you got, the less crap you gotta take!" Sheesh! MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review Crow: Mike, stop yellin' and shootin' and killin', you woke me up. The Fifth Element Crow: [not understanding] Oh, the fifth element! Maybe it's a movie about boron? Tom: Oh I don't know, I only look at that chart periodically! He he! The Lost World: Jurassic Park Mike: So what's the story in this movie? Crow: Mike, the real story is the signature Steven Spielberg "Scenes of people looking". Let's watch. Tom: [Excited] Oh I know I will! [Roland Tembo strides through the jungle.] Crow: Pete Postlethwaite in shorts? This movie is for the ladies! MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review Crow: Our first movie is based on a television show, which is a ridiculous notion to begin with. X-Files: Fight the Future [In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.] Mike: Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of Sod-Laying Man! Mulder: Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently. Crow [as Mulder]: …unlike me. Kid on Bike: You're not FBI agents! Mulder: How do you know? Kid on Bike: 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen. Servo [as Mulder]: Yeah, well, you look like Howdy Doody with a headcold. Mulder: Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes? Crow: No, It was Bike-Gifting Man. Ever After Baroness De Ghent: We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse! Crow: The First Lutheran! . . . Baroness De Ghent: Your features are so… masculine. Mike [as De Ghent]: You look like Pat Summerall. . . . Baroness De Ghent: No wonder you're built for hard labour. Crow [as De Ghent]: You'll be giving birth to Paul Prudhomme. [Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.] Mike [as Danielle]: I sneezed in my cocaine. Halloween: H2O Crow: Welcome back to the MST3K Blockbuster Review, featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see. Servo: Um-hmm. Mike: Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, Halloween Water, which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing. The Truman Show [Truman is talking to Lauren.] Truman: Would you wanna— Mike [as Lauren]: No. Truman: Maybe possibly— Mike [as Lauren]: No! Truman: Sometime— Mike [as Lauren]: No! Truman: Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday? Mike [as Lauren]: Well, oka— no! Lauren: Yeah… I can't. Truman: Saturday? Lauren: I can't. Truman: Sunday-Monday-Tuesday? [She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.] Servo [as Lauren]: N-O! Th-the W is silent. Saving Private Ryan Corporal Upham: It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir. Captain Miller: Did you fire the weapon in basic training? Corporal Upham: Yes, sir. Mike [as Upham]: But I shot my sergeant. Godzilla (1998) Crow: Um, folks? We'd like to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of G[bleep]a. Even saying Go[bleep]la will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to God[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us? [Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming an iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises] Crow: There! And it's Matthew Broderick free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]zilla." MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special As Good As It Gets [Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)] Melvin: Carol the Waitress, Simon the [audio cuts out] Servo: Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of Talk Soup"? Good Will Hunting Sean: Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some [audio cuts out]in' book! Crow: Oh! I've read some [audio cuts out]in' book! Assignment: Venezuela (short) NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7. [On title screen] Mike: I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning! [Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.] Narrator: The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th— [The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.] Mike [as Jim]: Was being sucked through a time portal. . . . [They pass a building with a huge sign: GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL.] Narrator: I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store. Servo: Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too! Narrator: Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos. Mike [as Narrator]: I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home! [Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.] Jim: Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long. Servo [as Jim]: I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow. Crow [as Jim]: I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water. . . . [Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.] Mike [as Jim]: I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry. Narrator: Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do now is lick that language problem. Crow [as Narrator]: … and Escobar here. [Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.] Crow [as Wife]: I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!" [Jim is shown around his future Quonset-hut home by the present husband and wife occupants.] Servo [as Wife]: [in white-trash accent] The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you. Narrator: The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything. Mike [as Narrator]: It's called Venezuelalization. Narrator: I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to the Liberator, who led six South American nations to freedom. Mike [as Narrator]: I think it was Zorro or something. MST3K Live Social Distancing Riff-Along Special (2020) Moon Zero Two Circus Day (Short) Clown: Welcome to clown alley... GPC 2 [as the clown]: Give me your wallet! Clown: This is where I get ready for the big show. Servo [as the clown]: That's what I call your nightmares. The big show. Turkey Day 2020 Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket (short) Servo: Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket: the story they didn't want us to tell. Filmed in cementascope. Narrator: I'm the manager of the supermarket... Crow [as the Narrator]: And also the town undertaker. Narrator: ... and this is my son, Johnny. Servo [as the Narrator]: It's his birthday, and he gets to spend two hours in the candy aisle. Narrator: A supermarket is like many little markets or departments all brought together into one big building. Each department sells a different kind of food. Servo [as the Narrator]: Putting all the smaller family owned markets out of business, thus ensuring that capitalism continues its nonstop roll toward oblivion. [as Johnny and the manager open a rear bay door] Emily [as the manager]: That's the sun, Johnny. It's our friend. It keeps the zombies at bay. [as Johnny helps unload a truck] Emily [as Johnny]: Dad, how is this going to help us find my sister? Servo: Ooh, sad... [during a shot of a storage shelf] Servo: Hmm, I see beef stew, ravioli, Star Kist tuna, surplus DVDs of Jerry Maguire, they've got it all! [as a butcher pushes hanging meat into a refrigerated room] Emily [as Johnny]: Dad, is this legal? Servo [as the manager]: Come on in, Johnny. I'd like you to meet my good friend, David Lynch. Narrator: In this room, packages of meat are made ready for selling. Since food must be kept very clean, the packages are carefully wrapped and labeled. They're covered with cellophane, and then sealed with a hot iron. Emily [as the Narrator]: And a fresh slice of provolone. Crow: You know, this is how Coldstone Creamery got started. They just reversed the process. Narrator: Each package is weighed, and the weight and price are marked on the label. Servo: [as a butcher writes on a label] "Help, I'm being held captive in Mayfair Market." Narrator: Meanwhile, I check on some signs needed for tomorrow's sale. Crow [as the manager]: Have you seen my son? Narrator: I tell my sign maker what the sale price will be. The signs will be used in the windows of the market. Servo [as the Narrator]: I linger a bit longer to take in the smell of benzene. Narrator: This is my secretary... Crow [as Johnny]: Mom??? Narrator: Now Johnny, how would you like to open the market? Just push this buzzer... [Johnny presses the buzzer] Servo [as the Narrator]: ...and the bees will be released! [evil laugh] Crow: This work is all performed by silent robots. Emily: Hmmm, must be nice. Crow and Servo: Hey! Narrator: Johnny and his mother have completed and paid for their shopping. Today, Johnny's learned that a great many things go on behind the scenes at a supermarket. Crow: Guys, I cannot wait for the next installment where they get bought out by a Trader Joe's. Emily: Ooooh... pumpkin spice.