Little Mosque on the Prairie

thumb|Religion would be so much easier without the followers. Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007 - 2012) is a Canadian sitcom centering around the Muslim community of a small Saskatchewan town. Season 1 thumb|Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I? thumb| A small explosion at the mosque, what's the big deal? … Okay when you say it out loud... Little Mosque Baber: The enemy is in your kitchen. Rayyan: And maybe while the enemy's in there he could do the dishes. Amaar: [on phone] Mom, stop it with the guilt. No, don't put dad on! I've been planning this for months it's not like I dropped a bomb on 'im. Oh dad thinks it's suicide? So be it; this is Allah's plan for me. Woman: Oh my … Amaar: I'm not throwing my life away, I'm moving to the Prairies! Mayor Popowicz: Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news! Mayor Popowicz: I can work with the truth. Sarah and Popowicz: But only as a last resort. Yasser: Yes, this is a good one: "Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I?" Amaar: How am I supposed to prepare for Ramadan when the whole town's in an uproar. What were you people thinking? Fatima: This is that convert Sarah's fault. Tell me: aren't goats more traditional than cucumbers? Amaar: You've lost me. Amaar: Can't a Muslim book a one-way flight these days without someone having to call their supervisor? Rayyan: I thought you'd drag us into the modern world. Or at least the 11th century. Amaar: Yes, so did I. That's why I gave up being a lawyer Rayyan: Oh. And there I thought you just sucked at that too. Amaar: You can't just sue people for no reason. Well, all right, you can but I'm not doing that anymore! Reverend Magee: It may have been God who said "Let there be light!" but it's me who pays the electric bill. The Barrier Baber: I got a deal from the old rink. From what I hear, nothing separates men and women like Hockey Night in Canada! Rayyan: Three seconds of male enlightenment. That's a new record. Fred Tupper: Would it kill you Muslim girls to show a bit more... uh.. cleavage? Now and then. Fatima: Would it kill you if I hit you with a cleaver? Baber: You look like a Protestant! Layla: Don't you mean "prostitute"? Baber: No. I mean "Protestant". Rayyan: Okay. I have to get to the clinic. But once I'm gone, just imagine that after everything mom says, I am saying "That's right!". Sarah: Fred Tupper standing up for oppressed women? Mayor Popowicz: I think he's standing up for oppressed boobs. Fatima: I don't want a bunch of men leering at me while I pray. Baber: And I don't want you women distracted by my bottom. Sarah: Trust me Baber, no one is looking at your bottom. Baber: Western school system! Filling their head with... thinking! Reverend Magee: John 8:7: "He among you who has never sinned, cast the first stone" or in this case "he among you who has not got stoned, cast the first sin". Amaar: So you didn't fire him. Reverend Magee: Not until I ate a couple of his hash brownies at the choir picnic. Rayyan: [sitting on the barrier to keep Baber from setting it back up] You're not supposed to touch me. Baber: Please, forgive me, sister Rayyan. I totally forgot myself. Rayyan: Of course. Baber: It'll never happen again Rayyan: Good Baber: Gimme that piece of wood so I can push her off! Amaar: The perfect Muslim solution... Nobody's happy. The Open House Mayor Popowicz: Ah! It's not gonna be one of those multi-culty snoozefests with lying speeches and bad skits, is it? No offense. Amaar: I'll cancel the camel ride. Mayor Popowicz: [perking up] Camel ride? Yasser: "Only use the best", that's my motto! Client: I thought your motto was "we build cheap"? Fatima: People are afraid of things they don't understand. Rayyan: That's true. That's why I'm afraid of Baber. Fatima: [about Islam in Africa] Yes. From an African perspective. You usually only hear the missionary position. Amaar: Baber, please don't talk about things you don't understand. Rayyan: Then he'd never say anything. Baber: If I don't get to talk, I'm out! I knew this was a bad idea. Fatima: I'm with Baber! We're... What's the word? Baber: Boycotting! Fatima: I was gonna say "pissed off", but... Yes! We're boycotting! Baber: It's "minbar", not "mini-bar". Rayyan: Muslims do date. Sarah: [butts in] You call that dating? It's more like a job interview. Rayyan: Mom, no. It's more like window shopping. See, you don't need to taste the cake to know that it's gonna be delicious. Sarah: [interrupts again] Of course you do! The cake could look good and still be crummy. Or it may be a fruitcake and you know how we all feel about fruitcake... Rayyan: Mom! Step away from the metaphor. Fred Tupper: I hate to say "I told you so, people of Mercy!"... But I told you so, people of Mercy! Reverend Magee: Be a man...grovel! Swimming Upstream Fred: [leaving] Radio show is on in 15... Fatima: Oh, thanks for reminding me. [turns off the radio] Fred: Nice try Fatima, but you can't silence the voice of the people that easily. Fatima: I disagree. Shut. Up. See? Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain. Fatima: You don't have to dumb it down for me. I came for your medical opinion. Rayyan: You vitiated your anterior cruciate ligament. Fatima: Oh no... What does that mean? Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain. Fatima: Who's going to cook for my customers? You? Rayyan: Not unless you've got really good insurance Sarah: A small explosion at the mosque, what's the big deal? [pause] Okay when you say it out loud... Amaar: You did see the "Do not disturb" sign on the door? Baber: Oh yes. I will make sure nobody disturbs you. Rayyan: But we're so close... Mayor Popowicz: Close only counts at horseshoes. Do Muslim play horseshoes? I find these little cultural differences so interesting. Rayyan: Can we focus please? Fatima: It's only Halloween. It's not like they're out drinking and dirty dancing! Fatima's son: We're not? Fatima: Watch your smart mouth or you go nowhere! Baber: What if he leaves Islam to become a witch? Fatima's son: You can do that? Baber: My daughter does not [want to go]! She's a good Muslim! Layla: No I'm not! I swear! Kid: [to Baber] Sweet Osama costume. The beard looks totally real, dude. Sarah: Honey, I didn't sabotage the petition. I mean, I didn't mean to sabotage the petition... I mean... [to Yasser] Okay, did I sabotage the petition? Rayyan: You know you did. You undermined me so that you could go on a trip. That's evil. Sarah: Oh my God... That's exactly what I did... But it was sleazy, not evil! Sarah: I was selfish and horrible. Rayyan: Yes, you were, but so was I. Sarah: Ah! Rayyan: Although much less so Yasser: You two are exactly alike. Rayyan and Sarah: [simultaneously] No we're not! The Convert Amaar: What was your favorite part [of the sermon]? Yasser: The end. Baber: Isn't that wonderful? A convert! Sarah: Hello! I'm right here! I'm a convert too! Baber: Yes but he's serious! Rayyan: [to Sarah] I'll pick you a copy of Islam for Dummies on my way home. Baber: The boy is Fatima's; the female is mine. Layla: The female? Marlon: So, you two are... divorced? Fatima: Oh no no. My husband passed on. Baber's wife passed on Baber. Baber: [Loudly] How Joyful! At this rate we'll convert every white people in town to Islam! Amaar: Indoor voice, Baber. Sarah: I'm sorry Anne. I was just praying. Mayor Popowicz: Wow. You and Yasser must have been extra naughty this weekend. Sarah: No it's not that. Although there was this one thing were he was a TV repairman and I was dressed as a... I'm sorry. What were we talking about? Amaar: Any bit of advice on dampening religious enthusiasm? Reverend Magee: Join the clergy. Fatima: It's from the kosher butcher. Marlon: You should stop patronizing Jewish businesses. Fatima: And you should stop patronizing me. Yasser: Amaar, do you have a minute? I need your help. Amaar: I'm not holding down another nail for you. My thumb is still throbbing. Yasser: There must be some rule in the Qur'an against praying too much. Amaar: Let me get this straight: you're asking a spiritual leader to help someone stop praying? Amaar: I'm not the Pope, though I'd love a big hat like that. Baber: Yasser, I have got it! What if we move the Mosque and simply don't tell him? Yasser: Put it on wheels, move it around town? Amaar: Religion would be so much easier without the followers. Reverend Magee: I've seen it before. Spiritual shopping. I blame the Beatles. Mother in Law Mother Hamoudi: Oh, thank you for asking... [deadpan] Don't ask. Johnny: We've [A gay couple] even written our vows in rhyming couplets. What do you think? "I promise to honour but not obey, except on leather fetish day." Joe: Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage? Reverend Magee: Sanctity? You've been divorced three times! Fatima: Another muffin? Reverend Magee: I'd never forgive myself... but Jesus will. Bring it on. Mother Hamoudi: Samira would cook for you. Her couscous is heavenly, tastes like angel droppings. Yasser: Mmmm... my favourite type of droppings. Rayyan: [ausculting Mother Hamoudi] You're fine! We could fox-trot to the beat of your heart! [pause] I have been watching way too much Dancing with the Stars lately. Baber: Don't make us give you your notice. Amaar: Baber, you're forgetting: we're the tenants, he's the landlord. Yasser: I told her [he would not marry Samira]... And then she had a mild heart attack. Sarah: Then tell her again and finish the job! Mayor Popowicz: How long are you going to sleep in my office? Sarah: Until Yasser stand up to his mother. Mayor Popowicz: Good thing I'm running for a third term. Joe: I heard you were planning a demonstration on Sunday. Baber: Yes. Against the abomination. Joe: Oh. I thought it was... Baber: Yes, against gay marriage. I just... like to say "abomination"! Yasser: Are you sorry you doubted me? Sarah: No, sometimes I'm sorry I married you. Playing with Fire Jeff: [a firefighter] You save lives too. Rayyan: True. But you make house calls. Baber: As Allah is my witness, I have no imagination! None! Yasser: What kind of normal person has any interest in Islam? Rayyan: You mean besides us Muslims, dad? Amaar: So you're saying... They were actually... Holding hands? Baber: I wasn't saying it. I was yelling it! Baber: Layla must be protected from the influence of this... Pop tart! Rayyan: That's because there's nothing wrong with you! Jeff: I know. I just wanted to see you again. Rayyan: Okay, there is something wrong with you. Layla: My father is sending me to an islamic school to become an islamobot! Fatima: You're an impossible man! Baber: I am entirely possible! Amaar: A man is not allowed to touch a Muslim woman unless he is her brother, her father or her husband. Jeff: Not even if she needs mouth-to-mouth? Amaar: You keep your mouth away from her. Jeff: She'd be unconscious. Amaar: You'd kiss an unconscious woman?! Jeff: I don't mean to be culturally insensitive here but... What the hell? Sarah: Don't ruin this for Rayyan. Yasser: I'm her father. It's my job to ruin it for her. Jeff: I don't mind being used. I'm user-friendly. Amaar: I'm sorry I care so much. Rayyan: That's not an apology. Amaar: I'm sorry you lost your way. Rayyan: You shoudn't be making bad excuses! Amaar: I'm sorry, nothing I ever say seems to work! Rayyan: Oh, well, that's obvious. Amaar: I am sorry I'm here! Rayyan: Oh, well, now we're getting somewhere. And I am sorry that you're here too. The Archdeacon Cometh Reverend Magee: Christianity hasn't lasted two thousand years by being charitable. Amaar: You can't pretend to be Christian. Reverend Magee: Actually you can. Half my congregation does. Fred: I wouldn't waste a braincell trying to find out. Fatima: Yes. I'd imagine you are in short supply. Sarah: I don't remember much about growing up Anglican but I must've been there. Sarah: Don't we have a New Testament hanging around somewhere around here? Yasser: New Testament? Sarah: Yeah or an Old Testament? Yasser: If we had a new testament surely I would have thrown the old one. Fatima: It will help your back, and your colon. Fred: What's wrong with my colon? Fatima: You're full of crap. Yasser: My seat smells. Is that why they call it a "pew"? Reverend Magee: [Explaining how the Muslims can't pass off as Anglicans] And the way they all stood up, with such vigor! No, no, no, no, no! [He demonstrates] The older... congregants jump right up, as though we just opened up the buffet. And then, some of them lag behind because they're stone-deaf. And then there's always the ones who just draaaaag themselves up like teenagers who've been asked to do the dishes. Now, let's try it again, let's get this perfectly wrong... [Fred is covered in warts] Fatima: What is wrong with you? Fred: Well, I've managed to narrow it down to a couple of possibilities: African killer bees, or a killer African! Yasser: When is Easter? Sarah: April. Yasser: That's when Baby Jesus sees his own shadow, right? [Fatima just pulled Fred's back into place] Fred: Fatima sweetheart? That lotion crap you gave me for my back was only to soften me up so you could fix me, right? Fatima: No. I wanted to see you suffer a little bit longer. Season 2 Grave Concern Rayyan: I don't just fix wrists; I can break them too, you know! Rayyan: Well, it's not about winning. Sarah: So what's it about? Rayyan: It's about the principle of the thing. Sarah: No, really, what's it about? I have no clue what you're talking about. Fatima: A Muslim likes to be buried with other Muslims. On his right side. Fred: What, is it better for your back? Baber: I want to be buried with other Muslims, on my side, facing Mecca, and I want it now! Amaar: You sure you don't want to wait till you're dead? It's less claustrophobic. Sarah: [making community announcements] There's an Interfaith Council meeting... Ah, who cares about that? Fatima: what is that? Over there? Baber: Mecca. Fatima: No, you ignorant man. Between us and Mecca. Baber: [reading the sign] Belt Buckle z? Fatima: I do not want to spend eternity looking at a saloon. Baber: You idiot. You.... ruined my death. Yasser: [Trying to sell a cemetery plot] What do I need to do to put you in a grave today? Sarah: [making announcements again] And then when I was twelve we got a turtle... Baber: We do not want to spend eternity watching a bunch of cowboys drinking. Patron: Yeah, well, maybe us cowboys don't want to drink while being watched by a bunch of dead Muslims. Amaar: You're ignoring the larger issue: this makes me look bad. Public Access Baber: Best outreach event ever, Amaar. Amaar: We didn't get any visitors. Baber: That's exactly my point! Layla: No one ever says they hate me like that. Baber: You can't talk by yourself for an entire hour and expect people to listen! Amaar: That's no different than what I do here at the Mosque. Baber: Ah, you said it, not me! Baber: How will anyone know that you're finally embracing your modesty unless we show you off, uh? Amaar: Nobody's spinning any schnauzer. Fatima: I think it's a lovely hijab, Layla. You look like a big, grown... [Baber leaves the room] What is going on here? Yasser: that is why I will build you a new one for nothing. Amaar: "Nothing" nothing or "Yasser" nothing? Yasser: It's a work-in-progress. Amaar: But you said "Consider it done". Yasser: Which you're not doing. Baber: Today at school, she kept waiting for me to leave. Fatima: I am always waiting for you to leave. Baber: What is she hiding under there? Is it, huh, pierced ears? A hickey? A hickey piercing! Baber: It is my duty to do something stupid! Baber: Is there something that you've been keeping from your classmates? Layla: Yes! You! Layla: A lot of girls in our class have bellybuttons. Ban the Burka [about a woman with a niqab] Amaar: She's a Muslim who's come here to pray. Outside chance, she's a ninja. Yasser: What did you and your wife talk about? Baber: uhh... Our divorce? Yasser: Before that? Baber: We... had this fight about my toenails... I-It's not important! Fred: You always think people are trying to hypnotize you. Remember last year at the talent contest? Joe: Yeah, but that guy was a hypnotist! Fred: Ventriloquist! Joe: Yeah but the dummy... those eyes... Mayor Popowicz: What is he talking about? Is there a beheading issue? [...] Sara cares very much about her Muslim sisters. I've never seen you interacting with them, but I'm sure you care on some level. Fred: Well here's my idea: first thing we need is an angry mob... Sarah: Found it! Fred: I knew there had to be a law against burkas! Sarah: No, a law against marigolds. Fred: Is that some kind of weird Muslim thing? Sarah: No, the flower. I hate marigolds. In 1927 they banned them on Main Street. Fred: [stares] Sarah: I'll keep looking Yasser: I have to leave my daughter's in jail. Baber: If you don't want to help me just say so! Joe: Even now she could be in control of my mind. Fatima: Nobody is in control of your mind. Yasser: Ladies, please! Let's not turn this prison visit into something unpleasant. Baber: I don't know the first thing to say to her! Or the second, or the fourth! Yasser: You missed out the third. Baber: I know the third. "My name is Baber, sister. What is yours?" Joe: [in the holding cell] Boy this place looks bigger when you're sober. Reverend Magee: Earlier I may have ransacked your office but I'm very disappointed in you. Rival Imam Mayor: Is the mosque building a hydrogen bomb? Sarah: No, of course not! Mayor: I don't understand, what other kind of bomb uses that much water? Sarah: They are not building a bomb. It's probably just the wudu. Mayor: Oh, where you sacrifice a chicken and everybody dances around. Sarah: No, that is voodoo. This is wudu, it's a washing ritual. Befor we pray, Muslims have to wash each body part three times. Mayor: It's like your entire religion is based on obsessive compulsive disorder. Sarah: Well, Christians have holy water. Mayor: Yes, but we don't go spraying it around all over the place, unless there's a vampire camp. Baber: Finally a real Imam with a beard! Amaar: Everybody reads from the same Qur'an. Baber: Yes, but his is not the pocket book edition. Rayyan: We have got the whole system on a timer so that we're not wasting power in the middle of the night. Ali: So what powers the timer? Spy Something or Get Out Nancy: Some of my best friends are Muslims. Fatima: Who? Nancy: Er... Faruq... Abdul... Halal... I really don't have any Muslim friends. Nancy: I was hoping to get some pie. Fatima: We all hope for a lot of things. Amaar: Seeing is believing. Nancy: Yes, but believing is also believing and it's a lot faster. External links Category:Television series on DVD Category:CBC shows Category:Canadian sitcoms Category:Cancelled shows Category:Single-camera sitcoms