The Cleveland Show/Season 1

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main The following is a list of quotes from the first season of The Cleveland Show. Pilot [Peter has a ACME firework-type rocket strapped to his back. Brian is holding a lighter.] Peter: Light it, Brian! Brian: Peter, I don't wanna do this. Peter: Do it, Brian. It's the only way I'm gonna catch that bird. Roadrunner [offscreen]: Meep-meep! Peter: Here he comes! Light it!! [After the Roadrunner zips by, Brian lights the rocket, sending Peter soaring through Cleveland's house, destroying it and revealing Cleveland in his second-floor bath tub and the now-overweighted Cleveland Jr. sitting on the second-floor toliet.] Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, noooo! [His tub crashes with him in it as Cleveland Junior closes his eyes to not watch but the toilet stays intact.] Doggone it! That's it! No more! I'm tired of being kicked around by this world! Brian [offscreen]: I'm sorry, Cleveland. Cleveland: It's all right. Brian: I tried to stop him... Cleveland: I don't blame you, Brian! You a dog! A DOG!! [Cleveland and Cleveland Jr. have left Quahog to mark the beginning of "The Cleveland Show"] Stewie: What the hell? He's getting his show? Rallo: Well aren't we the Black Brady Bunch? Cleveland: Except I'm not a gay architect, and my wife's not sleeping with my son! [everyone laughs] Cleveland Jr.: Not yet! Cleveland: Great! Have fun, kids. Don’t drink too many sodas. Hahaha. Cleveland: Ahhhh a Bear! Tim: Ahhhh a Black Man! Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it? Rallo: Oh I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds. Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance [Cleveland is in his own Men's Warehouse commercial] Cleveland: I'm gonna like the way I look...I guarantee it. The One About Friends Cleveland: Hasta la possum, baby! Birth of a Salesman Cleveland Jr.: [as the group throws a joke at Cleveland Jr. as part of a comedy roast, to try and get him to cry] That's cruel without even knowing the reference. Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry Bomb [Federline Jones slaps Cleveland Jr.] Cleveland Jr.: I may be a virgin, [angrily pulls on Federline's gold necklace] but I'll kick your ass if you do that again! Priest: All across this great land, teenagers are takin' a pledge: The Purity Pledge, to hand over their virginities to their fathers, the high priests of the home. Cleveland: Hear that? I'm the high priest of our home. I would like roast beef for dinner. Donna: Shut the hell up! Cleveland: [grabs Federline's hat and hits him with it] BAD HORMONE-RIDDEN ADOLESCENT! BAD, BAD, BAD! Ladies' Night Cleveland: Last minute check: any chives in my teeth? [he shows his teeth, which are covered with green leafs] Donna: They're all over! What were you eating?! Cleveland: Chives. A Brown Thanksgiving Auntie Momma: And now that my work here is done, I better leave before I turn into a blumpkin. From Bed to Worse Roberta: I can't believe we're stuck in this motel for another night! Nothing exciting has ever happened in a D.C. hotel! Raymond: Didn't Marion Barry get caught smoking crack at a D.C. hotel? Roberta: Okay, yeah, but besides that. Raymond: Didn't Reagan get shot at a D.C. hotel? Roberta: Besides that. Raymond: Watergate happened at a hotel, I know that. Roberta: I know, I know. Raymond: And didn't Eliot Spitzer-- Roberta: [cutting him off] Okay, whatever! The point is we need to go out and find a party. Oliver: Hey, guys, I got the idea. We need to go out to find a party! Federline: Yo, Oliver's right. There are so many bummed spots out there where I can get the crowd jumpin' with my demo! There's a fat beat on top of it, I'm going like [beatboxing], then I'd do, "Federline! Federline! JOONES!" It's hot, y'all. Peace. A Cleveland Brown Christmas Kendra: "You freak it you buy it." [pointing to the Christmas tree] Donna: It's like my great grandmother used to say, "A lie is just an upside down truth." Cleveland: What?! [to self] Can I trust Donna? Cleveland: "Fred Peterson raped old ladies?!" Rallo: Dear Santa: [clears throat] Fuck you and fuck Christmas. Arianna the Bear [to Tim]: This is what happens when you let a Jew run a Christmas pageant. [after Rallo derails the toy train by putting a Santa doll on the tracks] Reporter: Blood on the tracks in Holidaytown where for 68 passengers, a routine train ride to Gum Drop Village instead took a detour to Gum Drop country morgue. And now over to Dirk with sports. Dirk: Better make that 2 massacres today. The Holidaytown Celebrators were shut out eight to nothing. A bad day indeed for pretend, cake figurine baseball. Field of Streams Cleveland: Hey Junior, watch are you watching? The Cleveland Show? Cleveland: What are you doing up there? Cleveland Jr.: Larry the Leopard told me to climb the bookcase. Cleveland: Fourteen. You're fourteen! Now, get down here. I got something I want you to have. Cleveland Jr.: Wow, number 9? I thought when you left, they retired it for good. Cleveland: I'm Brett Favre-ing it, except I'm not being a public jagoff about it. The Fluffers [to the tune of We Built This City by Jefferson Starship]: We built this ballpark/We built this ballpark on a gay dude's ca-ash! Principal Wally [after Raymond high-fives one of his stoner friends]: Watch the height of that five. All fives must be shoulder height or below. Love Rollercoaster Cleveland Jr.: I've never been friends with a girl before. Is it true you guys clap your breasts together, like a seal? Tyra: No! Cleveland Jr.: Thanks a lot, Wikipedia. Ms. Eck: You know, I used to be quite doable myself. Roberta: So what happened? Ms. Eck: I turned 30. Lester: I got bit by the inventing bug myself. Among other bugs. And crabs. Rallo: You'd be amazed how many people on the internet wanna meet a five-year-old boy! Cleveland: What the hell kind of comedy high school are you going to, anyway? Nerd: This is still pretty cool! Nerd: Who are you? Tyra: I'm Fat Girl. Federline: Know what I'm sayin', Omega Moo? Our Gang [Cleveland shoots a hole in the ceiling, and then the ceiling cracks revealing Chris Griffin] Chris: Hi, Cleveland! Cleveland: Go back to Quahog! Chris: Okay. Buried Pleasure Cleveland: Ah, Stoolfest! That magical time of year when hobos and drug addicts are dressed up like clowns, and allowed to operate dangerous rides! Cleveland: [about Jane] We tried to get her to stop hitting Holt and she beat the respective craps out of us. Donna: She... beat up all of you? Cleveland: Well, what were we supposed to do? We can't hit a girl. Donna: Well, I understand. I never hit a girl, either. But I will smack the white off a bitch! [she punches Jane] Donna: Nobody hurts my man! Tim: Did she agree to stay away from Holt? Cleveland: Does it look like it, Boo-Boo? Cleveland: I'm gonna go tell Jane to say good-bye to my little friend! Tim: The Black guys love Scarface. They cannot stop talking about it. The Curious Case of Jr. Working at The Stool Cleveland Jr.: I'm going to get even with that candy-ass son of a motherfucking bitch. Cleveland Jr.: MOO. Once Upon a Tyne in New York Cleveland: Good evening. In an effort to keep with these, our ever-changing times, tonight's episode of The Cleveland Show is presented in 2-D. If you wear glasses due to near-sightedness or astigmatism, put them on....NOW. [Lester's limo driving away with Tyne chasing them and the kids realize they missed their ride] Rallo: Aw, shit! The Brown Knight Dan Rather: Hello, I'm Dan Rather, news veteran of 44 years, now reduced to co-hosting a local talk show. Just waiting to die, really. I stopped taking my heart pills this morning, so... any day now. Cleveland Jr.: Don't worry, Daddy. I'm gonna feed you, and wash you and change you, just like you did when I was a baby. Cleveland: Thank you, Junior. [whispers] Don't let him do any of those things to me, Donna! Donna: Junior, can you give us some alone time? Cleveland Jr.: Okay. I'll go down to pediatrics and look at the chicken people. Gone with the Wind Cleveland: Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink. Rallo: You got that covered. Cleveland: No, I smell like a middle-aged man: Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats from our adjustable-rate mortgage, now pass those eggs. Donna: Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol? Cleveland: Yes, he said it was "appalling" and "life-threatening". Uh, pass the eggs. Donna: This is your breakfast, Cleveland. The same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks. Cleveland: More twigs? Donna: Fiber Twigs-The cereal that lowers your cholesterol. Cleveland: Aah! I got a splinter! Roberta: 'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual. Cleveland: Huh? Oh. [both Roberta and Cleveland laugh. Then Cleveland pushes Roberta and grabs her plate of food] Rallo: Heat rises, I smell nothing! [Cleveland Jr. lifts him up] Rallo: AH! AAHHHHH! Brotherly Love Cleveland: You were the best bitch I ever had. Terry: And you were one cold pimp. Cleveland: Thanks. I'm sorry I set you up with all those men. Donna: Where did you get that huge wad of cash? Cleveland: What? A man can't sneak into his house in the middle of the night, carrying a huge, suspicious-looking wad of cash, without his wife nagging him? Geez! Cleveland Jr.: [to Chanel] Sorry he's so cranky. He was up til 7:15 last night. Rallo: Oh, thanks! Anybody else wanna take a shot? Donna: Rallo, are you bothering the big kids? Come here, I need to give you your diarrhea medicine. [Cleveland Jr. and Chanel laugh] Rallo: [to Cleveland Jr.] You are in for a world of hurt, buffalo butt! Donna: What did you call me? Rallo: No, not you, mo-[Donna grabs his ear] Aaaarrggh! Chanel: [sighs] This is so hard. I don't know how to find a se-can't of a triangle. Cleveland, Jr.: Well. Hold on then, se-can't. [laughs, then Chanel joins in] Roberta: Hey, is that Chanel Williams chopping it up with my steppity-bro? Federline: I think you mean step-brizzle. [he and Roberta laugh; they all laugh until Cleveland comes in] Cleveland: [bursts the door open] There's been a gas leak! [Cleveland, Jr., Chanel, Roberta and Federline keep laughing until he pushes them out] Contractor: Leave the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector from now on. Cleveland: When your wife says she'll use them in front of you, you find some batteries. [they both laugh] Brown History Month Rallo: I'll just go ahead and be one of the other black presidents. Actually, I want to be the first black president. Who was it? Mrs. Lowenstein: Rallo, Barack Hussein Obama is the first black president. Rallo: What? Washington wasn't black? Mrs. Lowenstein: No. Rallo: Jefferson? Mrs. Lowenstein: No. Rallo: If Rutherford B. Hayes wasn't a brother, I don't know what's up! Rallo: [to Cleveland] You're pathetic for being friends with him. You're worse than Uncle Thomas the Tank Engine. [cut to the Island of Sodor] Thomas: I'd reckon I'll take you where these here tracks go, sir. Sir Topham Hatt: Thank you, Uncle Thomas. You're a clean, articulate train. Thomas: Just get yo' white ass on board. Sir Topham Hatt: What's that, Thomas? Thomas: [stammers] Uh... Choo-choo! Cleveland's Angels Cleveland: I just keep winning! I feel like a homeowner before 2008 (no jobs)! Holt: I'm riding through them dirt roads and let me show you how I work them dirt hoes. You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown [Peter and Quagmire appear at the end of the episode during Freight Train and Cookie's wedding] Quagmire: Well, they made it through the whole season. Now can I have my own show, Peter? Peter: Quagmire, you're a rapist. [Quagmire mutters] External links The Cleveland Show (season 1) 1195935 The Cleveland Show TheClevelandShow.com Episode transcripts at TVTDB.com Category:The Cleveland Show seasons