Asdfmovie

Asdfmovie is a web series created by TomSka that consists of random humor clips. Dialogue asdfmovie [The baby giggles, and the father touches the baby's nose.] Father: Got your nose! [The baby's giggling continues as a police officer rushes into the room.] Police Officer: Look out, he's got a nose! [gunshot] Guy: You gotta help me, man! My tie is evil, and it's gonna kill me! [The other guy backs away suspiciously without saying anything.] Guy: Please don't hurt me... [His tie laughs sinisterly.] Guy: Hello, parking meter! Parking meter: Hello! [The guy is surprised that the parking meter can talk.] Guy #1: Hey, guy. Hey. Smell my flower. Guy #2: [smells the flower] Mmmm. [A monster emerges from Guy #1's stomach.] Guy #2: LOL! [The monster goes back into his stomach.] [The guy presses the button labeled "Pointless Button", but nothing happens.] Guy: Hm. Man: Hey, man-- [gets punched in the face] Aw, what the hell is wrong with you?! Announcer Voice: Level up! Lady: Somebody help me, I'm being robbed! Tree-Man: I'll save you! Tree powers, activate! [The Tree-Man transforms into a detailed pencil drawing of a tree.] Potato Killer: Die, potato! Potato: Nooooo—! [gets stepped on] [The guy is holding a knife in one hand, preparing to eat the cake.] Guy: Mmm, yum. [The guy cuts a cake.] Cake: AAAAAHHHH! Why would you do this?! I have a wife and family! Guy: Noooo! Cake: Agh, the pain! It's unbearable! Guy: What have I done?! Cake: Aaah! Tell my children I love them! Cupcakes: Daddy! [The cake fell off the table.] Guy: Noooooooo! Cupcakes: Noooooooo! [The cake lands with a squelch on the ground.] Guy #1: Hey. You know who's gay? You. [The camera zooms out to reveal that Man #1 has been stabbed by Guy #2.] Guy #1: Aw, come on! asdfmovie2 Guy: [holding a pie] I baked you a pie! Kid: Oh, boy! What flavor? Guy: Pie flavor. [A tiny pie bursts out as the electric guitar blares.] Girl: I like singing! Boy: I like dancing! Ryan (I Like Trains Guy): I like trains. [A train speeding past him blares its horn.] Guy #1: Hey. It says "Gullible" on the ceiling. [Guy #2 glances up and sees that the word "Gullible" is written on the ceiling.] Guy #2: Oh, so it do— Ah, you stole my lungs. Potato Killer: Die, potato! [A potato wearing sunglasses pulls a gun on him.] Potato: Not today. [The Potato Killer is surprised.] Clown: Haha! They said I could never teach a llama to drive! [The llama bleats while riding in the car.] Clown: No, llama, noooo! [The llama drives off a cliff.] Patient: Doctor, I think I might be homosexual! Doctor: How can you tell? Patient: [vomits a rainbow at doctor] RAINBOWS! Ranger: What are you, a man or a mouse?! [A realistic drawing of a horse is shown.] Teacher: Hey, kids! I brought you some cookies! [The kids cheer when Ryan shows up.] Ryan: I like trains. [The teacher and the kids stare at Ryan blankly and then Ryan gets run over by a train.] Singer: ♪ Desmond the Moon Bear! ♪ Desmond: How did I... get here? Voice: The end. Guy: [while holding a book, chuckles] I can't read. Guy #1: Kitten fight! Guy #2: No, wait! I'm allergic to adorableness! [Guy #2 gets hit in the face by a kitten, so he picks it up, which makes the kitten look really cute.] Guy #2: Awww! [The grave of Guy #2 is shown.] Harold: What are you up to, son? Ryan: I like trains. Harold: [chuckles] Yes, you do. [A long, awkward pause.] Guy #1: Hey. You know who's gay? Yo— [Guy #1 and Guy #2 were interrupted when they got hit by a train.] Guy #1: [holding the bagel] I can't wait to eat this bagel! Guy #2: Yes, you can. Guy #1: Yeah, I guess you're right. asdfmovie3 Guy #1: Hey, man. Look at my new dog. Guy #2: Oh, yeah? That's pretty cool-- [looks down] Awwwww! There's no dog there! Guy #1: OOOOOOOOOOH... Guy #2: AAAAAAAAAAH... [They both emit a continuous growling sound that resembles the bark of a dog.] Guy: Joey, did you eat my sandwich? Joey: I am your sandwich. [Joey swallows him.] Guy #1: Here, hold this. [Guy #1 hands the bomb to Guy #2, who holds it for five seconds before Guy #1 comes back.] Guy #1: Thanks. [The right-hand guy, also known as the Soon-to-be Salad Eater, is holding a bowl of salad when the left-hand guy, also known as the Salad Puncher, hits him, knocking the salad out of his hand. He starts punching the salad.] Soon-to-be Salad Eater: What is wrong with you?! Stop it, cut it out, man! I don't want this—! Guy #1: Pffft! Screw gravity![Guy #1 floats away while Guy #2 smiles in astonishment.]Jim: Goodbye, world. Earth: Okay, Jim. I'll see you around. Where you going? [Jim shoots himself off-screen] Aah! Oh, no! Oh, that's not what I thought he meant by that at all! Guy: [gasps] There's something on your face! [punches other guy in the face] It was pain!Soon-to-be Salad Eater: Oh, what is happening?! Why would you do this?! I can't even—! Salad Puncher: I AM PUNCHING YOUR SALAD!!!Soon-to-be Salad Eater: Noooooooo!Father: Now, son, don't touch that cactus.[The son is magnetized to the cactus.]Father: You're dead to me.Harold: Honey, why is the baby on fire?[The baby giggles while surrounded by flames.]Wife: [flailing her arms] BUY ME MORE JEWELRY![The other guy is standing at the urinal guy. Guy #1 starts to unzip his pants.]Urinal Guy: Don't even think about it. Guy #3: Hey, guys! Check out my new camera![Guy #3 fires a gun at Guy #1.]Guy #3: Oh, wait. This isn't a camera. Potato Killer: Die, potato! Potato: Nooooo—! Ryan: I like trains. Potato Killer: Oh no, no, no, wait—![Potato Killer and Potato are hit by a train, and Ryan slowly smiles.] asdfmovie4 Internet Guy: I'm gonna do an internet! [presses a key on the keyboard and a vibrant rainbow bursts forth from the computer] Wooooooooah!Reader Guy: Well, I'm gonna do a book! [touches an open book, nothing happens] Aw. Singers: ♪ The Science Show! ♪Guy: Piano! [a piano falls on him] Whose idea was this?![The phone rings and a guy picks it up.]Thief: This is a robbery.[The dramatic "DUN DUN DUN DUN!" could be heard as Guy hung up and walked away.][Joey and his friend are looking together when Joey gets out of his friend's mouth.]Bystander: Oh... Police Officer: Hey, kid, you can't skate there! Skater: You can't tell me what to do![The skater is blown up by a mine in a minefield.]Billy: I wanna be a pie![Shift to Billy as a pie in the oven.]Mother: Billy, no! Snarky Guy: Nice hat. Magician Guy: Thanks! Snarky Guy: I was being sarcastic. Magician Guy: Well, I stole your face![Snarky Guy now has a blank area where his face once appeared.]Chair: [off-screen] Honey? Do you like my new shoes? Harold: You are a chair, darling. Chair: I can dream, Harold!Time Traveler Guy: It worked! My time machine wor— [gets stepped on by Stegosaurus]Stegosaurus: I am a stegosaurus! Suicidal Guy: Quick! Shoot me in the face![The other guy whips out a gun and shoots him.]Robber: You getting mugged, kid! Guy: [shaping hands into "guns"] No, you're getting mugged! Robber: Ahh! How the hell does that even work?! Father: Hey, son! Catch! [throws the ball]Son: OK, Dad! I'm going to catch it! I'm going to ca-![The son is squashed by a ball that never changes size to match the perspective.]Guy: [holding a banana] Banana fight! Police Officer: [shoots him off-screen] NO! Citizen #1: [points at the flying saucer] Alien attack! Rebel: Throw the cheeeeeeeeese![Someone throw a lots of cheese at the flying saucer.] Citizen #2: Yeah! Daughter: When I grow up, I want to go to the moon! Father: Why wait?! [The father kicks his daughter into the air, and she screams as she soars into space.] asdfmovie5 Johnny: Hey, Bobby! Play that one about falling down the stairs! Bobby: Sure thing, Johnny! [Bobby tumbles down the stairs and crashes into the piano, striking a sour note.] Bobby: I love it! [The guy and the lady are lying on the grass, staring at the moon.] Lady: So beautiful out here. Guy: Yeah, it's just me, you and the moon. Moon: Hey! You two should kiss! Doctor: Sir, you appear to have a very severe case of... baby voice. [The guy yowls and giggles in a baby voice while flailing his arms.] Guy: Hello, Mine Turtle! Mine Turtle: Hello! [An unnamed guy steps on the Mine Turtle, activating a button.] Unnamed Guy: Oh-- [Mine Turtle and both explode.] Guy #1: Hey, man, you wanna play some video games? Guy #2: No way, dude. You always beat me. Guy #1: [punching Guy #2] TELL NO ONE! [A guy walks to the end of the ledge, then floats off. The sign says, "Warning: Ledge".] Guy: Oh, okay. Guy: Aw, man, you ever going to run out of muffins?! Muffin Man: [in his French accent] No. Because I work at ze muffin factory. Guy: I wonder if my pony can fly.[The pony flies up into the air.]Guy: Huh. Narrator: And now, ducks.[Two ducks stand side by side. Duck #1 quacks.]Duck #2: I was JUST about to say that. Duck #1: Are you serious? Duck #2: Totally. Duck #1: Oh, that's spooky. Duck #2: We are so in sync. Little Girl: Mommy, Mommy! Look, a turtle! Mine Turtle: Hello![Mine Turtle jumps out of her hands and explodes.]Guy #1: Here, hold this.[He sticks a knife into Guy #2's stomach and walks away.]Bully: I'm gonna punch you in the face! Opposite Day Guy: But it's opposite day. Bully: OH NOOOOOO...! [punches himself]Guy: Oh, no. I am not stepping on you![A car crashes into him and the llama runs around.]Mine Turtle: Hello! Guy #1: Do you ever get tired of being random?[Guy #2 appears with a beak instead of a mouth. Then, Guy #1 shows up with a beak, too.]Guy #1: Me neither. asdfmovie6 Angry Guy: I'm going to punch your face... In the face. Victim: Noooooooooooooooooo...!!![The screen zooms in to reveal a smaller face on the victim's forehead and then gets punched.]Teacher: Hello, and welcome to Standing Up School. [One student falls.] And, you fail.[The guy plays trumpet.] Police Officer: Hey, you got a license for that? Guy: You're never taking me alive! [The guy blows a trumpet into his nonexistent ear as if he were shooting himself with a gun while pretending to die.] Unknown Voice: Knock, knock! Guy: Who's there? [The door slammed open on the guy.] Door: THE DOOR! Guy #1: Hey, do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? [Guy #2 puts carrots in his eyes.] Guy #2: [in his deep voice] You lied to me. Quartet Singer #1: ♪ Hello... ♪ Quartet Singer #2: ♪ Hello... ♪ Quartet Singer #3: ♪ Hello... ♪ [Quartet Singer #4 accidentally steps on Mine Turtle.] Mine Turtle: Hello! Quartet Singers: ♪ Oh, no! ♪ [Mine Turtle and the Quartet Singers explode.] Lady: Ooh, a puppy! Guy: Oh, careful, honey. He has a knife. Dog: Eh, what? No! No, I don't! Dougal Flopguy: EVERYBODY DO THE FLOP! [Dougal Flopguy and everybody else flopped to the ground.] Guy: Hello, burger! Burger: [face appearing] I used to be a cow. Guy: Oh! Narrator: And now, the funniest thing you've ever seen... from really far away. [Guy #1 and #2 are in the distance.] Guy #1: Hey, do you have a menu?[However, it's unclear what he's saying before it explodes distantly.]Guy #2: Apples! Singer: ♪ He's a magical pony flying through the sky ♪Army Guy #1: Shoot it down.[Army Guy #2 fires a cannon at the pony.][The guy looked at his watch with a pause.]Guy: I have no idea how to breathe. Harold: What are you drawing, honey? Girl: I'm drawing a bear![The scene reveals the bear being drawn on, but then it gets eaten.]Guy: Quick! Don't think about cats![Guy #2 regurgitates many cats that are meowing.]Ryan's Mom: Here comes the airplane![Baby Ryan opens his mouth and an airplane crashes into their house.][Guy #2 is getting choked.]Guy #1: Is anybody here a doctor? Doctor: I am! Guy #1: Well, you're a nerd![Guy #2 passed out and high-fived Guy #1.] asdfmovie12 [The husband was filming when the doctor pushed the baby back into his wife's body.]Husband: Keep pushing! Push! Doctor: Congratulations! We got it back in! Flower: ♪ I'm on my way, I'm on my way, I'm on my way to eat your skin! ♪[An unsettling piano note plays as the camera zooms in slowly on the flower.]Kid: Dad, I'm gay! Dad: I have no son! Kid: [gasps] This isn't my house! Teacher: ♪ A, B, C, D, E, F— gun! ♪ [gets shot]Waffle: Did somebody say "waffles"?Guy: No.[beat]Waffle: I have brain damage. Guy: [gets stabbed by the other guy and gasps] A knife! My favorite! Nerd Guy: [rubbing lamp] I wish people would be nice to me.[A genie comes out of the lamp, and the nerd instantly becomes happier.]Genie: Your wish is stupid.Guy: Hey! Can your girlfriend do this?[The guy holds his breath and explodes.]Boyfriend: Mmm, that's hot. Boss: You're fired! Guy: You can't fire me, I quit! Boss: You can't quit, I quit! Guy: You can't quit, you're a frog! Frog: You can't frog me, you're my wife! Wife: I'm not your wife, you're my wife! Frog Wife: Oh, hey, honey. How was work? Wife: Pretty good, but I quit my job. Frog Wife: You can't quit your job, you're FIRED!Wife: [on fire] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!Guy: I sure hope I don't get hit by a car![A guy gets punched by a car's fist.]Car: That's for sleeping with my wife! Guy: [dials phone number] Hey, um, can people fly? That's a shame.[The guy hits the ground when he falls.]Guy #1: Ugh. It's Johnny Big Feet. Johnny Big Feet: Hey, my feet aren't that big![The camera pans in for a close-up of his foot, revealing that he stepped on Guy #2.]Guy #1: Damn you, Johnny Big Feet! Guy #1: [rubbing his chin] Hmmmmm... This is not my arm.[The camera zooms out, revealing that Guy #2 is rubbing Guy #1's chin with his extremely long arm.]Guy #2: Hey. Your chin feels nice. Lady: Oh no, a gunman! Gunman: Ohoho! I'm gonna stab ya! [pulls out the knife]Guy: Hey![The horse trots over to the guy and tramples him.]Horse: WHERE?!Doctor: Good news! We were able to save your legs![The doctor pulls the patient's legs.]Doctor: And here they are! Lady: I'm leaving you, Jerry... You and your inappropriate reactions. Jerry: [throwing arms up waving] Wheeeee! Waffle: [smacks his lips] My mouth tastes like teeth. Pregnant lady: I don't wanna be a mother.[The pregnant lady suddenly disappears, and the baby falls to the ground.] Baby: Oh no... Category:Internet shows