Dirty Grandpa

Dirty Grandpa is a 2016 film about an uptight guy who, right before his wedding, is tricked into driving his grandfather, a lecherous former Army Lieutenant Colonel, to Florida for Spring Break. Directed by Dan Mazer. Written by John Phillips. Naughty is relative. (taglines) Dick Kelly Jason, I want to fuck. For the first time in 40 years, I'm single, and I want to fuck. I want to fuck until my dick falls off. I want to fuck a horse, and I want to drink its blood. I was faithful to your grandmother every day for 40 years, even through the menopause, even through the cancer. She was the love of my life, I'll miss her every goddamn day, but she told me on her death bed, "you get back out there again." I haven't had sex in 15 years Jason, and I want to fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Calm down, you'll get to hang out with that gypsy girl. Yes, you do. That's why you didn't deny being a photographer for Time magazine. You can hang out with her, I can have vaginal sex with Lenore. It all works out! We can even go visit my old army buddy, Stinky. That's because your dad doesn't really know much about me. I was away with the army during most of his childhood, so we were never that close. Party till you're pregnant! All right, I was Special Forces! I trained insurgents behind enemy lines from Vietnam to Iraq. Now give me the fucking beer can! Come on! Your father stopped talking to me before my missions were declassified. So he always thought I was just an army mechanic. No calls. For one night, stop worrying about your wedding. Please. We have two hot, smart, beautiful college girls at the peak of their sexual powers about to meet us at one of the last great nightclubs in Florida. Worry about them. Your father has lorded over every decision you've made in your adult life, and Meredith is just the latest example of that! She's not right for you, Jason! If you marry her, you're gonna be sleepwalking for the rest of your life and be completely unhappy just like your father! I want you to know how much I appreciate you doing this for me, Jason. The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather is a hot college girl who wants to have unprotected sex with him before he dies. Well, when you get married, it's for a long fucking time. And it's hard. So it damn well better be with a woman who keeps things interesting. Lenore He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch. You're just a dirty, dirty grandpa, and I'm just a girl from Long Island City who likes to fuck old people. Dialogue Cousin Nick: Fuckin' sucks dick about grandma, huh? Old woman fuckin' murdered like that. Jason Kelly: Nick, she had cancer. Cousin Nick: That's what they want you to think. Jason Kelly: She had cancer for 10 years. Cousin Nick: A little too convenient, Jason. Jason Kelly: No, it's not. At all. Cousin Nick: We'll never know the truth. Jason Kelly: We absolutely know the truth. Grandma had cancer for 10 years. Cousin Nick: You don't just die from cancer, Jason. It's a conspiracy, man. Just like 9/11. Jason Kelly: Just finishing a work email for the Steinhart file. Dick Kelly: So, you're a lawyer at your dad's firm now, is that right? Jason Kelly: That's right, and Meredith is too. You know, her dad is one of the managing partners there, so...It could've worked out better. Dick Kelly: Because it's just that I remember when you were in high school, you told me how much you wanted to be a photographer, travel the world. That sort of thing. You remember when I got you that subscription to Time magazine? Jason Kelly: Yeah, I used to be into photography, but... I mean, with Dad being at the firm, it just made so much more sense to focus on a college curriculum that stressed the law school track. I mean, I love what I do, Grandpa. Being a corporate lawyer is awesome, I get to handle SEC compliance... Dick Kelly: No shit. Jason Kelly: Yeah. Yeah. Dick Kelly: You handle SEC compliance? Jason Kelly: LP agreements. Dick Kelly: Oh, man. I didn't know that. Jason Kelly: LLC agreements. Dick Kelly: You're shitting me. Jason Kelly: Being a corporate lawyer, it's got its upsides. Dick Kelly: You know what I'd rather do? Jason Kelly: What? Dick Kelly: I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot air balloon. That's me. I'm gonna hit the liquor store over there, get some more of the creature. Meet you back at the Dildomobile in five. You're paying the check, Alan douche-owitz. Dick Kelly: We have a long-standing bet - who's the better golfer. Obviously, I've got the bigger three-wood. Lenore: Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina. Jason Kelly: Holy shit. Jason Kelly: [shows up in a yellow sweater and plaid slacks] Well, how do I look? Dick Kelly: Like the keynote speaker at a butt-fucking convention. Jason Kelly: [to the two middle aged women Dick was hitting on at the golf course] I'm sorry about my grandpa. He's... He's not doing too well. My grandma just passed and the funeral was yesterday. I'm actually a lawyer, not a retard. I handle of lot of important issues. SEC compliance, LLC agreements. LP agreements. That sort of stuff. Dick Kelly: [notices the two women driving off in their golf cart] Fuck! What happened? Why are they going? What did you do? Jason Kelly: I told them the truth. I told them that I'm getting married next week, and that you're not well because your wife just died. Dick Kelly: What are you, fucking vagina repellent? Those cougars wanted to party. Jason Kelly: They wanted to party? Dick Kelly: Yes! Jason Kelly: Do you hear yourself? Grandpa, are you kidding me right now? Grandma's funeral was yesterday! Now you wanna hit on college girls? You're jerking off to porn? What's wrong with you? Dick Kelly: Jason, I want to fuck. For the first time in 40 years, I'm single, and I want to fuck. I want to fuck until my dick falls off. I want to fuck a horse, and I want to drink its blood. Jason Kelly: I wanna throw up. Dick Kelly: I was faithful to your grandmother every day for 40 years, even through the menopause, even through the cancer. She was the love of my life, I'll miss her every goddamn day, but she told me on her death bed, "You get back out there again." I haven't had sex in 15 years Jason, and I want to fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Jason Kelly: So that's what this is all about? This whole thing. You didn't want to be with me. You wanted me to drive you down to Boca so I could be your fucking wingman? Dick Kelly: Well, obviously I made a bad decision because you're nothing but a cock blocking machine. I don't know what you are. You're like the Israeli Iron Dome defense system, but with vaginas instead of missiles. Jason Kelly: What? Dick Kelly: You're like some sort of cock blocking terminator sent back from the future to cock block humans. Jason Kelly: Ah, got ya. Dick Kelly: The robots should've sent you instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger, you could've cock blocked John Connor's parents and he never would've been born. Jason Kelly: Shut up Grandpa. Shut up. Dick Kelly: What got into you? I remember you in high school, you were ripping people's dicks off on the football field, talking about traveling the world! Now you're pushing some papers at a fucking law firm and probably peeing sitting down. Jason Kelly: Grandpa, I don't know what you thought this weekend was going to be about, but I came here for one reason, to get you to Boca. That's it. Dick Kelly: Fine. Jason Kelly: Now, can I please play some golf? Dick Kelly: Fucking golf. Cocky McBlockerson. Jason Kelly: I'm not kidding, Grandpa. You realize that if I don't call her from your house in Boca tonight, I'm fucked, man, I'm fucked. Dick Kelly: Jesus, it sounds like you're marrying you're fucking parole officer. Jason Kelly: It's just Meredith. It's the way she is, man. She just gets, like, anxious when she doesn't know exactly where I am. Dick Kelly: [reads off a shirt that reads "Don't Panic, it's organic"] Well, 'Don't panic, it's organic." Jason Kelly: Yeah, I know. Couples get in fights all the time. But it's different with Meredith. She takes it to another level, man, and I'm telling you, if I don't call her from your house in Boca, I'm screwed. Dick Kelly: [reads off another shirt that reads "Ain't nobody got time for dat"] Well, "Ain't nobody got time for dat." Jason Kelly: Yeah, I know. Clearly. Which is why I don't understand how we got so far off schedule. Dick Kelly: Sometimes, life is just a "fart zone" and you enter at your own risk. Jason Kelly: Have you been reading shit off the shot glasses and the shirts in here and just saying it like it's wisdom? I was seriously trying to talk to you, man. Do you realize the stakes here? You're ridiculous! Dick Kelly: [Snaps pictures of Jason with a phone] Smile. Jason Kelly: You've had a phone this entire fucking time? What else don't I know about you? How the hell do you know how to speak Arabic? Dad's never said anything about that. Dick Kelly: That's because your dad doesn't really know much about me. I was away with the army during most of his childhood, so we were never that close. Jason Kelly: Is that why he doesn't like you? Lenore: Hi, Professor. Dick Kelly: Well, there's the prettiest little girl on the beach. Lenore: Thank you. Dick Kelly: I was actually talking to him. Bradley: Yup, immediately offensive. I'm going back to the hotel. Dick Kelly: Just try not to join the cast of Rent on the way back. Dick Kelly: I'm gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes? You want summa dat drank? Summa dat purple draaank? Summa dat purple ass motherfuckin' pimp dick draaank? Bradley: Who... the fuck... are you? Lenore: I like your pull-out couch. Dick Kelly: Yeah? Well, I got news for you. That's the only thing that's going to be pulling out tonight. Dick Kelly: Hey, there he is. Jason Kelly: No. Don't even fucking talk to me. Dick Kelly: I know things got a little chaotic, but I'm so close with Lenore... Jason Kelly: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!! I'M ABOUT TO GET FUCKING MARRIED, GRANDPA, IN ONE WEEK, TO A JEWISH GIRL!!! And I just woke up in fucking jail, with a bunch of penises on my forehead, in the shape of a Swastika! Dick Kelly: Could call it a "Swasticock". Jason Kelly: What? Dick Kelly: It's a play on words. Jason Kelly: Oh, it's a play on words. Play on words. Play on these words. I'm dropping you off at your old army vet buddy's house, he's gonna drive you to fucking Boca. Because I'm fucking done with you. Jason Kelly: Sorry about your friend, Grandpa. Dick Kelly: So it comes to this. Even before you die, you just stop living, and it's all one fucked-up facsimile of the real thing. We have to go back. Jason Kelly: Yeah. I know. I'll drive us home. Dick Kelly: Not Atlanta, Daytona. Jason Kelly: What? Dick Kelly: I have to fuck that girl, Jason. Jason Kelly: Jesus, Grandpa! Dick Kelly: I do. I have to fuck her. Jason Kelly: Grandpa, you're just depressed. You're confused right now because of Grandma. Dick Kelly: Grandma wanted me to do this. Jason Kelly: What? Dick Kelly: Yeah. She said when she died, she wanted me to move on and live my life the way I wanted to, and right now, you know what I want to do? I want to get my dick sucked by that fucking college girl! Jason Kelly: What is that going to do for you? Is that going to make you feel young again? Dick Kelly: Yeah! Yeah, what's wrong with that? Feeling young again? What do I have? A dead wife, dying friends. A few fucking good years left if I'm lucky. And you know what? It fucking freaks me out! Yeah. Look, I don't expect you to understand. You're young. You have a long, long time before you have to look into that abyss. But the way I see it, having sex with that girl is my last stand. And I can't do it without you. So I'm asking you. Please, Jason, just stay one more day so I can do this. Please. Dick Kelly: I want you to know how much I appreciate you doing this for me, Jason. The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather is a hot college girl who wants to have unprotected sex with him before he dies. Jason Kelly: Yeah, well, most grandpas just want toffee. Dick Kelly: What's the matter? Jason Kelly: I think I'm gonna call off my wedding. Dick Kelly: Well, when you get married, it's for a long fucking time. And it's hard. So it damn well better be with a woman who keeps things interesting. You know, your grandmother, she tried to grow her own Pot plant once. Jason Kelly: Really? Dick Kelly: Yeah. She just wanted to see if she could do it. She was always surprising me like that. We also tried anal once every 5 years. Jason Kelly: Sweet. Dick Kelly: I miss having someone to share everything with. Jason Kelly: It's not fair to just keep Shadia in the dark like this. Since we started this, it's just been one big lie. She has no idea who I am. I have to tell her the truth. Dick Kelly: Well, maybe telling her tonight is a little abrupt. Jason Kelly: The most important part of a relationship is trust. Dick Kelly: That's right. Jason Kelly: And I'm going to start now. Dick Kelly: Or you can just wait till I have sex with Lenore tonight, then you can tell Shadia everything. Jason Kelly: No. I'm just lying. Dick Kelly: Jason, I'm your grandfather, and you wait till i fuck that college girl. Jason Kelly: I'm telling her now. Dick Kelly: [runs after Jason to the motel where Shadia, Lenore, and Bradley are staying] Jason! Jason! Jason! [Jason opens the door, and Brah appears] Brah: Sup, Brah! [Punches Jason in the face] Dick Kelly: [restrains Brah] Hey! Back off, D-Cups! Cody: Well. If it isn't "The Professor". You know, it's amazing what you can find with a name in Google these days. [Holds a printed Google document] Bradley: You mean, you're not a real professor? Lenore: [unfazed] "Oh my god, you lied to us! How could you!" Cody: Wait, wait, wait, this is the best part. This is the best part. Richard "Dick" Kelly, Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Army, also known as the American Gladiator "Nitro." Dick Kelly: What the fuck did you Google? Cody: Okay, well, there's another best part then. [Reads the document] "Jason Patrick Kelly will wed Meredith Miriam Goldstein at Jericho Temple on Saturday, March 27th." Wait, that's...next Saturday. Bradley: Wait, your grandfather and grandson? Oh my god, that is so fucked up. Lenore: That is so hot, I mean, that is so fucked up. Shadia: So...are you getting married next weekend? Jason Kelly: I was. I was getting married, but then I met you, and now I don't... Shadia: Oh my god. No. Don't pull that shit. I feel fucking stupid enough as it is. [To Dick] So you're not a professor, [to Jason] Are you even a photographer? Jason Kelly: I'm a lawyer. I handle SEC compliance. LLC agreements. I came here to... Shadia: Get the fuck out, Jason. Seriously! Lenore: For what it's worth, I still really wanna fuck you. Dick Kelly: Oh, we're gonna fuck. Lenore: Yeah, we are. Dick Kelly: We're gonna thunderfuck. Lenore: You're gonna tsunami on my face. Dick Kelly: You're gonna flood like the Nile. Lenore: Yeah, I guess the drought in my pussy is finally over. Dick Kelly: The villagers will finally eat. Lenore: You're gonna die while you're eating me out. I want your last breath to be in my pussy. Cody: Lenore, you're such a slut! Jason Kelly: Your license isn't even suspended, is it? You made all this up just so I'd come down here with you. Dick Kelly: I had to make sure you'd come. Jason Kelly: [disgusted] Fuck you! Dick Kelly: Just chill, Jason. Hakuna Matata. Jason Kelly: Who the fuck are you? I should've known you were fucking crazy the moment you started hitting on women the day after Grandma's funeral! Dick Kelly: Don't you fucking judge me. You have no idea what I had with your grandmother! And everything I've done these last few days, I've done for a reason. You were about to fuck up royally by getting married, and you fucking know it. Jason Kelly: [upset over Shadia] Oh yeah? Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do now?! Chase around some college girl that doesn't even want to fucking talk to me?! Not know what the fuck I'm doing for the rest of my life?! Dick Kelly: Yeah, because at least you'd be thinking for yourself for a change! Jason Kelly: [angrily] WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!!! Dick Kelly: Your father has lorded over every decision you've made in your adult life, and Meredith is just the latest example of that! She's not right for you, Jason! If you marry her, you're gonna be sleepwalking for the rest of your life and be completely unhappy just like your father! Jason Kelly: I am already unhappy with my life, because i've done NOTHING BUT GET FUCKED BY YOU, AND THIS INSANE FUCK RAMPAGE THAT YOU'VE BEEN ON!!! Dick Kelly: It wasn't a "fuck rampage" for me, it was a "fuck rampage" for you. Jason Kelly: How? How was this for me? Dick Kelly: I fucked up as a father. I wasn't there to raise your dad. And he turned into a materialistic, henpecked, poop-dick country clubber. I don't want that to happen to you. Jason Kelly: So, so that's what this was? I was your last ditch redemption project? Well, congratulations, Grandpa. You thought you were a shitty father, now you're a shitty grandfather. I don't want to see you at my wedding. Stay the fuck away from me. [Jason leaves Dick to go to Atlanta for his wedding] Meredith Goldstein: What the fuck! That is not Martha's Vineyard. Jason! [to Jason's parents] Take it off! Jason Kelly: Leave them on. I have something to say. I think I've been listening to everybody else about what I should be doing with my life. My grandpa said something really interesting. Dick Kelly: All right, cut the mics. I'm going up. Jason Kelly: Take that punch, that point forward, things get easier. Meredith Goldstein: The mic's off. Cousin Nick: Jason, your mic cut out. Jason Kelly: What? Cousin Nick: Your mic cut out at the most inopportune time, so we can't hear why you want to leave those images up. Hitting it won't work. If they caught it from the PA... Band? Meredith Goldstein: What the fuck! Jason Kelly: Nick, can you tell her something for me? Can you tell her that...I'm really sorry, but I can't marry her. Cousin Nick: You think that message should come from me? Okay...Uncle Ramon, can you tell Meredith that Jason's sorry, but that they can't get married? [Uncle Ramon is deaf and relies on sign language] Fuck! I forgot Uncle Ramon was deaf and I talked to him like a normal. Uncle Ruben, can you please tell Meredith that Jason is really sorry, but that he can't marry her? Uncle Ruben: [uses his Electrolarynx to talk] He says he's very sorry, but he can't marry you. Cousin Nick: Uncle Ruben, can you turn that thing up a little? Uncle Ruben: [uses his Electrolarynx to talk] It doesn't get any louder. Cousin Nick: Where'd you get that thing, SkyMall? At this point, I'm kind of nervous that anybody I pick will have a disability. Okay... [to an autistic waiter] Waiter... Hey, Pubes. Can you please go tell Meredith that my cousin Jason is very sorry, but they cannot get married? Autistic waiter: Come on, man. It's my first day... Cousin Nick: Yeah, I know it's your first day, but everybody needs you to be a man here! Autistic waiter: Okay. Just real quick... He sent me... He wants me to tell you that...He doesn't think that he can marry you. But that he's sorry that he can't. [Meredith laughs] Cousin Nick: She's laughing, so I think that you're in the clear, bro. Meredith Goldstein: No, it's good. That was good. You can just go back and tell him... that I fucked his cousin Nick while he was gone. Cousin Nick: She's so super cool about it. She's like, "Go! Do your thing. Do you." Jason Kelly: She said that? Cousin Nick: That's what she said, verbatim. Jason Kelly: Wait. Should I come down and say bye? Cousin Nick: No. God! fuck no! Jason Kelly: No? Cousin Nick: Yeah. No need to even...Let's not even... You just... I've done it...We're great! [Jason leaves] Shadia: What is going on? What just happened? Jason Kelly: I don't even fucking know. But I'm not getting married. Shadia: Okay, so that makes it okay that you were lying to me? Jason Kelly: No. No, it doesn't. But you have to admit that when we were together it felt great. There was something real there. Shadia: What do you want from me, Jason. Jason Kelly: I want you to stay. [Almost kisses her] Shadia: I just can't stay. [Shadia almost gets back onto the bus, Jason looks at Dick, who gives him a "go with her" nod] Jason Kelly: What if I come with you? Shadia: [Stops and turns around] Come...Really? Jason Kelly: I mean...I just broke up with my fiancee, lost my job. And I think I'm wanted by the police, so... A year at sea might actually be the best place for me. Shadia: [smiles] Okay. [Jason and Shadia kiss] Jason Kelly: So...I'm gonna go with her. David Kelly: Yeah, you should. She seems real nice. You know, I think this is our only way back now, so I'm gonna try to get these cocks off of my face and get that truck started. [Shadia laughs as David leaves] Jason Kelly: Just give me one second. Shadia: Yeah. Jason Kelly: Grandpa, thank you for... Dick Kelly: Don't give me any of that shit. Just let me know when you get back. And I actually want to see your photos in Time magazine. This camera set me back three months of my army pension. [gives the camera to Jason. Jason hugs his grandfather] Jason Kelly: Thanks, Grandpa. [turns around to board the bus] Dick Kelly: And, Jason. Jason Kelly: [stops and turns around] Yeah? Dick Kelly: Back in the 80s, when André the Giant used to go to the Playboy Mansion, he'd stack five playmates on top of each other on a bed and fingerfuck them all. Five at a time. Because his hands were so big. So...that's it. Jason Kelly: Thanks, Grandpa. Dick Kelly: De oppresso liber. Motto of the Green Berets. It means "To liberate the oppressed". [gives Jason his army knife] Shadia: Hey, you ready? Jason Kelly: Yep. [Jason smiles at his grandfather before boarding the bus with Shadia] Dick Kelly: Well, thanks for the ride. David Kelly: [with the penises off of his face] You gonna be okay, Dad? Dick Kelly: I miss her...but I'll be okay. I was a shitty father, I'm sorry. David Kelly: Well, we'll work on it. [Dick gets out of the truck, and David drives off] Dick Kelly: Look... I'm sorry, I don't know if I can do this. I haven't done it for a long time. Lenore: I want you to tear open my bra like it's a social security check. Tell me you've fallen and you can't get up. Dick Kelly: I've fallen and I can't get up. Lenore: Tell me how things were better under Eisenhower. Dick Kelly: Things were better under Eisenhower. Lenore: We like Ike! Dick Kelly: [yells] We like Ike! We like Ike! We like Ike! We like Ike! Lenore: Are you cumming or dying? Dick Kelly: I'm not sure, maybe both! Taglines Naughty is relative. Lose your way. Find your manhood. What did you learn from your grandparents? Cast Robert De Niro — Dick Kelly Zac Efron — Jason Aubrey Plaza — Lenore Zoey Deutch — Shadia Julianne Hough — Meredith Dermot Mulroney — David Jason Mantzoukas — Pam Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman — Bradley External links 1860213 Dirty Grandpa dirty_grandpa Dirty Grandpa Category:2016 films Category:2010s American films Category:Road comedy films Category:Films about widowhood Category:Films set in Florida Category:Films set in Atlanta Category:Films about old age Category:Buddy comedy films