The Naughty Nineties

The Naughty Nineties is a 1945 American film about two men who try to set things right after their captain is swindled out of his riverboat by a trio of gamblers. Directed by Jean Yarbrough. Written by John Grant, Edmund L. Hartmann, Edmund Joseph, and Hal Fimberg. A Show Boat Load of Laughter!  (taglines) Dialogue Dexter Broadhurst: Now it don't look nice chewing gum in that suit! Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm chewin' it in my mouth. Dexter Broadhurst: Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Funny names? Dexter Broadhurst:Nicknames. Nicknames. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Not - not as funny as my name - Sebastian Dinwiddie. Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, yes, yes, yes! Sebastian Dinwiddle: Funnier than that? Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, absolutely. Yes. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on First? Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third... Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team. Dexter Broadhurst: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third... Sebastian Dinwiddle: You know the fellows' names? Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Well, then, who's playin' first? Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I mean the fellow's name on first base. Dexter Broadhurst: Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis. Dexter Broadhurst: Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle: The guy on first base. Dexter Broadhurst: Who is on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Well, what are you askin' me for? Dexter Broadhurst: I'm not asking you - I'm telling you. Who is on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm asking you who's on first! Dexter Broadhurst: That's the man's name! Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's whose name? Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. Note: the phrase "Who's on first" is ranked #91 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Well, go ahead and tell me! Dexter Broadhurst: Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle: The guy on first. Dexter Broadhurst: Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle: The first baseman. Dexter Broadhurst: Who is on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Have you got a first baseman on first? Dexter Broadhurst: Certainly. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Then who's playing first? Dexter Broadhurst: Absolutely. Sebastian Dinwiddle: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Dexter Broadhurst: Every dollar of it. And why not? The man's entitled to it. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Who is? Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle: So who gets it? Dexter Broadhurst: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Whose wife? Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. After all, the man earns it. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Who does? Dexter Broadhurst: Absolutely. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base. Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, no, no, What is on second base. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not asking you who's on second. Dexter Broadhurst: Who's on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's what I'm trying to find out. Dexter Broadhurst: Well, don't change the players around. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not changing nobody. Dexter Broadhurst: Now, take it easy. Sebastian Dinwiddle: What's the guy's name on first base? Dexter Broadhurst: What's the guy's name on second base. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. Dexter Broadhurst: Who's on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know. Dexter Broadhurst: He's on third. We're not talking about him. Sebastian Dinwiddle: How did I get on third base? Dexter Broadhurst: You mentioned his name. Sebastian Dinwiddle: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third? Dexter Broadhurst: No, who's playing first. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Stay offa first, will ya? Dexter Broadhurst: Well, what do you want me to do? Sebastian Dinwiddle: Now what's the guy's name on third base? Dexter Broadhurst: What's on second. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not asking ya who's on second. Dexter Broadhurst: Who's on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know. Dexter Broadhurst: He's on third. Sebastian Dinwiddle: There I go, back on third again. Dexter Broadhurst: Well, I can't change their names. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Will you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst. Dexter Broadhurst: Please. Now what is it you want to know? Sebastian Dinwiddle: What is the fellow's name on third base? Dexter Broadhurst: What is the fellow's name on second base. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. Dexter Broadhurst: Who's on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know. Both: Third base! Sebastian Dinwiddle: You got a outfield? Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, sure. Sebastian Dinwiddle: St. Louis has got a good outfield? Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, absolutely. Sebastian Dinwiddle: The left fielder's name? Dexter Broadhurst: Why. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you. Dexter Broadhurst: Well, I just thought I'd tell you. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Then tell me who's playing left field. Dexter Broadhurst: Who is playing first. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Stay out of the infield! Dexter Broadhurst: Don't mention their names out there. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field. Dexter Broadhurst: What is on second. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not asking you who's on second. Dexter Broadhurst: Who is on first. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know. Dexter Broadhurst: Now take it easy, take it easy. Sebastian Dinwiddle: And the left fielder's name? Dexter Broadhurst: Why. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Because. Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, he's center field. Will you pick up your hat, please. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Center field. Dexter Broadhurst: Pick up your hat. And stop this - Now look, please. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Mr. Broadhurst. Dexter Broadhurst: Yes? Sebastian Dinwiddle: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team? Dexter Broadhurst: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher? Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name. Dexter Broadhurst: Tomorrow. Sebastian Dinwiddle: You don't want to tell me today? Dexter Broadhurst: I'm telling you, man. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Then go ahead. Dexter Broadhurst: Tomorrow. Sebastian Dinwiddle: What time? Dexter Broadhurst: What time what? Sebastian Dinwiddle: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching? Dexter Broadhurst: Now listen, Who is not pitching, Who is on... Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first. Dexter Broadhurst: Then why come up here and ask? Sebastian Dinwiddle: I want to know what's the pitcher's name. Dexter Broadhurst: What's on second. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know. Both: Third base! Sebastian Dinwiddle: You gotta catcher? Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle: The catcher's name? Dexter Broadhurst: Today. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching. Dexter Broadhurst: Now you've got it. Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's all, St. Louis got a couple of days on their team. That's all. Dexter Broadhurst: Well, I can't help that. All right. What do you want me to do? Sebastian Dinwiddle: Gotta catcher? Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm a good catcher, too, you know. Dexter Broadhurst: I know that. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I would like to play for the St. Louis team. Dexter Broadhurst: Well, I might arrange that. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching. Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball. Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Now when he bunts the ball - me being a good catcher - I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Dexter Broadhurst: Now, that's the first thing you've said right. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't even know what I'm talking about! Dexter Broadhurst: Well, that's all you have to do. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Is to throw it to first base. Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Now who's got it? Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Who has it? Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Okay. Dexter Broadhurst: Now you've got it. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst: No, you don't, you throw the ball to first base. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Then who gets it? Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Okay. Dexter Broadhurst: All right. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I throw the ball to Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst: You don't. You throw it to Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst: Well, that's it. Say it that way. Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's what I said. Dexter Broadhurst: You did not. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst: You don't. You throw it to Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. Sebastian Dinwiddle: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it. Dexter Broadhurst: No. You throw the ball to first base. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Then who gets it? Dexter Broadhurst:Naturally. Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's what I'm saying. Dexter Broadhurst: You're not saying that. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Excuse me, folks. Dexter Broadhurst: It's all right. I'm sorry, folks. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I throw the ball to Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst: You throw it to Who. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Naturally. Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally. Well, say it that way. Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's what I'm saying. Dexter Broadhurst: Don't get excited. Now don't get excited. Sebastian Dinwiddle: I throw the ball to first base. Dexter Broadhurst: Then Who gets it. Sebastian Dinwiddle: He better get it. Dexter Broadhurst: That's it. All right, now don't get excited. Take it easy. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Hmmph. Dexter Broadhurst: Hmmph. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second. Dexter Broadhurst: Uh-huh. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - a triple play. Dexter Broadhurst: Yeah. It could be. Sebastian Dinwiddle: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't care. Dexter Broadhurst: What was that? Sebastian Dinwiddle: I said, I don't care. DEXTER BROADHURST "Oh,that's our shortstop!" Taglines A Show Boat Load of Laughter! Cast Bud Abbott — Dexter Broadhurst Lou Costello — Sebastian Dinwiddle Alan Curtis — Mr. Crawford Rita Johnson — Bonita Farrow Henry Travers — Captain Sam Lois Collier — Caroline External links 0037939 The Naughty Nineties Category:1945 American films Category:Films directed by Jean Yarbrough Category:Abbott and Costello films Category:Screenplays by John Grant Category:American films about gambling Category:1945 English-language films Category:American historical films Category:Films set in the 1890s Category:Films set on ships