The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas is a 1982 American musical comedy film about a town's Sheriff and regular patron of a historical whorehouse who fights to keep it running when a television reporter targets it as the Devil's playhouse. Directed by Colin Higgins. Written by Colin Higgins, Larry L. King, and Peter Masterson, based on the 1978 Broadway musical of the same name. With Burt and Dolly this much fun just couldn't be legal! Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd They want me to close her down, run her out of town. How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay? Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector, and I can tell when somebody's peeing on my boots and telling me it's a rainstorm. [On wearing a Speedo] Be like putting two bowling balls in a marble bag! It's slicker than cat shit on linoleum floor! Miss Mona Stangley Me jumpin' up and down? I'd black both my eyes! You know, it's always a business doing pleasure with you, Charlie! Don't feel sorry for me. I started out poor, and I worked my way up to outcast. I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top-heavy. I have a hard enough time balancin' these things now without gettin' on my toes! Ed Earl, I think the best thing to do is to put this behind us, just as quick as we can. I've made a little money, I've laughed some, I've danced to the music... it's just time to pay the fiddler, that's all. Melvin P. Thorpe The power of television, of public exposure - it scares me. I swear, I could get the mayor's own children to throw rocks at him! The Governor [singing] Ooh, I love to dance the little sidestep / Now they see me, now they don't / I've come and gone / And ooh, I love to sweep around a wide step / Cut a little swath / And lead the people on! Deputy Fred Wilkins It was the nicest little whorehouse you ever saw! [On the Chicken Ranch] If you grew up anywhere in Texas, you knew at an early age they was selling somethin' out there - and it wasn't poultry! So, for awhile, as the story goes, the girls begin accepting poultry in trade: one bird, one lay. And that's how the place got its name: The Chicken Ranch! Everybody liked Ed Earl - especially Ed Earl. Others Jewel: Honey, we see everything in this profession, but one thing I ain't never seen - man or woman - is a grown-up. C.J. [On the Chicken Ranch Scandal] All we wanted to do was keep it quiet! Now thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing on the air since "The Gong Show"! Dialogue Miss Mona: Well, one of those nights when you ain't on duty, you drop in out there. My girls'll love to show you a little appreciation. Deputy Fred: Shoot, Miss Mona - you know I'm a married man! Miss Mona: Oh, Fred, you mean to tell me you don't think the cows don't appreciate the time off when a bull goes over to another pasture? Female Reporter: Governor, what do you think of the, the crisis in the Middle East? The Governor: I was sayin' just this morning at the weekly prayer breakfast, in this historic capital, that it behooves both the Jews and the Arabs to settle their differences in a Christian manner! Miss Mona: You know what burns my ass? Ed Earl: What? Miss Mona: A flame about three feet high! Ed Earl: [On space aliens] I saw a picture once, of them fellers from, you know, that's supposed to be from up there? Fly around? Tiny little fellers. Bald-headed, little feet, little hands - got no peckers. Miss Mona: Got no peckers? [Ed shakes his head no] Miss Mona: Well, I ain't interested. I don't think my girls would be either! Melvin P. Thorpe: The public has a right to know what is goin' on out there, and what kind of payoff you're acceptin' to protect that notorious house of ill repute. Ed Earl: First thing. First thing is: you're standin' in Lanvil County, which by my figurin' is about 100 miles west of that stinkhole you call Houston. So I can't see it's any of your business what goes on out here. Number two: you ain't the law around here, and I am! So don't be tellin' me what my GOD DAMN job is, or I'll whip your butt so bad it'll look like the stripes on a barbel poll! Number three: no sawed off little pecker is gonna accuse me of takin' a bribe and live to tell about it! Cuz I wear the badge in this god damn county, SO YOU LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD you overpadded televisin' turd! If I ever see you or any of those little bastards that work for you in my town again, I'm gonna knock you so flat, you're gonna have to roll down your socks to shit! So get outta here you GOD DAMN WIG-WEARIN' CITIFIED SON OF A BITCH! [Draws his gun and begins firing it into the air] Miss Mona: You ain't never gonna be no more than you are right now: a chicken-shit sheriff in a chicken-shit town! Ed Earl: You may be right, but it's a hell of a lot better than being a whore. Melvin P. Thorpe: Governor, Melvin P. Thorpe, Watchdog News. Why has the Chicken Ranch operation been so long ignored? The Governor: We seem to be having some acoustic problems in here. Melvin P. Thorpe: Aren't you afraid of possible pay-offs and bribes? The Governor: Melvin, I'm sorry. Melvin P. Thorpe: Enough o'this pussyfootion', Governor, what do you intend to so about the Miss Mona and the Chicken Ranch? [the Governor sneaks off while he is looking away from him and into the camera. Melvin looks back to see the Governor is gone] Melvin P. Thorpe: [Re-appearing in the second level of the Capital Rotunda] Now, Miss Mona, I don't know her/ Though I've heard the name, Oh yes / But of course I've no close contact / So what she is doing I can only guess / And now Miss Mona / She's a blemish / On the face of that good town / I am taking / certain steps here / Someone, somewhere's gonna have to closer her down. Female Reporter: Was that a yes or a no? Howard K. Smith: It's a possible maybe. Cast Burt Reynolds - Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd Dolly Parton - Mona Strangely Dom DeLuise - Melvin P. Thorpe Charles Durning - The Governor Theresa Merritt - Jewel Jim Nabors - Deputy Fred Wilkins Lois Nettleton - Dulcie Mae Noah Beery Jr. - Edsel Mackey Robert Mandan - Senator Charles Wingwood Raleigh Bond - Mayor Rufus P. Poindexter Barry Corbin - C.J. Vernon Ken Magee - Mansel Mary Jo Catlett - Rita Crowell Mary Louise Wilson - Miss Modene Ennis Howard K. Smith - himself Donald F. Colson - Jeff Gerald Helen Kleeb - Dora Mickey Jones - Henry Bobby Fite - Dulcie Mae's son Paula Shaw - Wulla Jean Kenneth White - Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace Ted Gehring - Sheriff Chapman External links The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (film) 0083642 Category:1982 American films Category:American musical comedy films Category:Sex comedy films Category:Films about prostitution Category:Films based on musicals Category:Films set in Texas Category:1982 English-language films