The Golden Palace

The Golden Palace was the follow-up series to the classic television show The Golden Girls that aired on CBS from 1992 to 1993. Three of the four women from that series sold their house and bought a struggling Miami hotel named the Golden Palace. On May 1993, CBS cancelled the series after 1 season. Pilot [1.01] Rose: [to a burglar with a ski mask] The hat is a tip-off, but...is this your first time in Miami? Chuy: I'm back. Sophia: [not seeing Chuy] Dorothy?! Sophia: Well, I'm 88, and -- Rose: 87. Sophia: What? Rose: You're 87, Sophia. Sophia: ...okay. I'm 87 years old, and I used to have to wake up every morning just to live. Now I have to wake up every morning to cook 50 pounds of ravioli. I got stuff to do. Sophia: You almost killed me! Blanche: Nothing could kill you. Sophia: Well, too much corn. Blanche: On nights like this, we usually bare our souls and polish off a cheesecake. Rose: And I often tell a story about my hometown of St. Olaf. Chuy: St. Olaf? Sounds fascinating. Roland: Tell us about it. Sophia: Rookies! Promotional Considerations [1.02] Rose: All we have to do is write "The Golden Palace" on something everyone sees. Sophia: What do you say, Blanche? Up for another tattoo on your butt? [Sophia and Chuy are playing poker] Blanche: What's going on down here? Chuy: Oh, Sophia got my pot. Blanche: Well, she's a good cook, too. I'm sure she'll use it well. Chuy: No, not that pot. The other kind. Blanche: [shocked] All right, what in the hell is going on here? Chuy: What? We were playing poker and she won. What did you think? Blanche: [relieved] Oh! Chuy: Wait a minute! Blanche, I'm shocked. Do I look like the kind of guy who would smoke marijuana? (Note: Chuy was played by Cheech Marin, best known as one-half of the pot-smoking comedy duo Cheech and Chong.) Blanche: Roland, I am not in a good mood right now. Roland: Have you tried singing "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah"? Blanche: I'm telling you for the last time, no sheep, Rose. Rose: "No sheep, Rose." "No sheep, Rose." That's all I ever hear from you. Blanche: All my life I've wondered what it would be like to run my own business. You know, I can remember when I was younger and wanting to go into business for myself. Now, I sat myself down and I said, "What is it that I'm really good at that would make me a lot of money?" Sophia: [raising hand] Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Blanche: It had to be something that I enjoyed doing... Sophia and Rose: [raising hands] Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Blanche: ...And something that would benefit mankind. Chuy, Sophia and Rose: [raising hands] Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Blanche: And of course, it had to be something that was legal. Chuy, Sophia and Rose: [lowering their hands] Oh. Miles, We Hardly Knew Ye [1.03] Sophia: They've got a choice: they can eat my lasagna or kiss my but. Chuy: Okay, does your butt come with soup and salad? Rose: Penny for your thoughts, Sophia? Sophia: You're stupid, and that's on the house. Rose: [Storms out of the kitchen and is in a bad mood because of Blanche] Man: Excuse me. I ordered rice. These are baked potatoes! Rose: [Picks up potatoes and throws them against the door] We need rice! One Old Lady to Go [1.04] Sophia: I need to make some money. Maybe I should wear a shorter skirt. Chuy: Maybe you should just threaten to. Roland: Oh yeah, I guess it is about time I had a little talk with (Oliver) about... well... you know. Blanche: Sex. Well, You can say it, it's not a dirty word. Chuy(to Roland): Yeah, go ahead and say it. [in a guttural voice] SEXXXXXXXXXXX! Blanche: ...okay, when Chuy says it, it's a dirty word. But still, we have to face the fact that Oliver's growing up and he needs the truth. Roland: I know. I just haven't anticipated this happening so soon. I mean, Just yesterday I saw him in his room, making little animals with Rose's Play-Doh Fun Factory. And now I gotta tell him about- Chuy: [in same guttural voice] SEXXXXXXXXXXX! Roland: Man, will you stop saying that? Look, I gotta have this big talk with Oliver, I just wish I knew what to tell him. Blanche: My mother told me sex was a woman's duty. That was the word she used, "duty". And I guess I've been a proud little soldier ever since. Chuy: Soldier!? You're a four-star general, I SALUTE YOU! Ebbtide for the Defense [1.05] Roland: I don't squish bugs. I shoo them. [Sophia steps on a bug] Sophia: There! I just shoed one too! Can't Stand Losing You [1.06] Roland: It's okay. I don't mind. I'm a workaholic. Rose: [shocked] Oh, my God! He's been drinking Workahol?! Joanne: Hello, wover [lover]. Guess who? Roland: Please, God, tell me it's Elmer Fudd! Seems Like Old Times [1.07] [Dorothy is talking about how Sophia used her as a waitress when she was a child] Dorothy: You used me! Sophia: It was our quality time! Dorothy: Quality time?! You referred to me as 'the help!' Sophia: It was a nickname! Dorothy: On Thursdays you'd lend me out to the neighbors! Sophia: So? You learned the trade. Ingratitude. That's all I've gotten from any of my employees -- kids, my kids.\ Cab Driver: I was just counting this fare. I think you forgot to add a tip. Dorothy: A tip? A tip. Uh, let's review your performance, shall we? Let's see, you backed over my luggage, took the causeway during rush hour, stopped the car twice to sell fruit out of your trunk. A tip? Walk away now and no one gets hurt. Rose: [mopping up] Sophia, wet floor! Sophia: I can't do that on command! I have to be scared first! Rose: Chuy, wet floor! Chuy: What, somebody scared Sophia? Restaurant Customer: [after Dorothy drops off his bill] Excuse me, aren't you forgetting something? Dorothy: Uh, like what? Restaurant Customer: Aren't you going to say "Have a nice day"? Dorothy: No. Look, in the 45 minutes that I've served you, you complained about the food, the coffee, the service, and said that in my case, a sprinkle a day wasn't quite doing the trick. I don't care if you have a pulse, much less a nice day. Dorothy: Ma, you look horrible! You're as white as a sheet! Sophia: That's because I'm between heartbeats. Come back in 15 minutes, and I'll look like one of the Last of the Mohicans! Dorothy: [referring to Sophia] Has she come down yet? Rose: Has who come down yet? Dorothy: Amelia Earhart, Rose! [Dorothy is upset with Blanche because Sophia ran away] Blanche: I can't believe you said that. If I weren't a lady, I'd deck you. Dorothy: If you'd try, I'd have you on your back so fast, you'd think you're out on a date. Dorothy: Blanche, do you know what your problem is? You're all talk and no action. Just like your sex life. Blanche: What are you saying? Are you saying I'm not a tramp? Then why do you think they call me the female Ted Kennedy? Dorothy: Because you look like him. Ramone: You're Chuy Castillos? Chuy: Yeah? Ramone: You look like one of the Super Mario Bros. Chuy: It's taken two years, but as of today I will have lost 140 pounds of ugly fat. Rose: You used to be heavy? Chuy: No, married. Roland: Yeah, today's the day that Chuy signs his final divorce papers. Rose: Oh, I'll bet you have mixed feelings about that. Chuy: Are you kidding? I'm thrilled it's over. Eight years. Eight long, miserable years. Do you know what it's like to live with a foul-mouthed, vicious shrew for eight years? Sophia: [to Rose] Move it or lose it, you Danish dork! Chuy: I guess you do. Just a Gigolo [1.08] Nick DeCarlo: You're smarter than you look. Rose: I wish I could believe that. Marriage on the Rocks, With a Twist [1.09] Blanche: [about her husband George] He was a lusty man. Lusty, zesty man. Lusty, zesty cowboy who liked to ride all night! Sophia: I thought this practical joke would make me laugh, but it hasn't. It's affected me in ways I didn't think possible. Chuy: It made you feel ashamed, didn't it? Sophia: No, it excited me sexually. Chuy: Sophia! Sophia: I'm just as shocked as you are. Camp Town Races Aren't Nearly as Much Fun as They Used to Be [1.10] Roland: It's not up to us to make moral judgements about the people staying in this hotel. [notices sign reading "Daughters of the Traditional South" in the lobby] "Daughters of the Traditional South?" Those bigots in bonnets aren't staying in this hotel! Blanche: Roland, there is nothing wrong with the Daughters of the Traditional South! Roland: Oh, I see; when they put those sheets on over their heads it must be some kind of salute to Casper the Friendly Ghost. Rose: Ooh, when is that? It's Beginning to Look a Lot (Less) Like Christmas [1.11] Roland: [as Santa Claus] What do you want for Christmas, little girl? Sophia: I wanna stay on your lap 'til New Years! Rose: Sophia! Sophia: All right, how about a sponge bath with some elves? Rose: [singing] Two turtle doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree... Sophia: OK, OK, I believe you! There is a 48-Day version. Boy, last time I was in a place this cold they were hanging up Jimmy Hoffer by his--[singing] Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way... Rose: [to Roland] That's not a very nice Christmas attitude for someone who wants to play Saint Nick. Come on! Let's hear those reindeer names, Buster! Roland: Dancer, Prancer, Donner, Blitzen, Freezing, Fricking, Mother- Rose: Roland! Rose and Fern [1.12] Rose: Don't you take your frustrations out on me, you cheap...scallop! Blanche: The word is "trollop," you moron! I am a cheap trollop! Rose: [about Miles] I still call him up in the middle of the night to hear the cute things he says. [imitating Miles] "Don't you know what time it is?" "This happens again, I'm calling the police!" "Who the hell is this?" [in normal voice] And then, before I hang up I always say, "You blew it big time, smart boy." Blanche: And he doesn't recognize your voice? Rose: No! I talk to him through a kazoo. Miles: Look -- Rose, sweetheart... Rose: Don't "sweetheart" me! This was supposed to be our day! Our wedding! Our life! Well, you blew it big time, smart boy! [runs off] Miles: [realizing] Oh my God, she's the kazoo woman! [Chuy puts a completely burnt duck on the kitchen table] Chuy: Ugh! Chihuahua. Sophia...what does this look like to you? Sophia: George Hamilton in five years. Chuy: [about burnt duck] Have you ever seen a duck this black and Smoky? Rose: I have. Daffy. But only after Bugs Bunny gives him a dynamite cigar. Why doesn't that duck ever learn? Sophia: He can't, Rose. He doesn't have a brain. Sound familiar? Rose: Oh, I'm the dumb one? You're the one who's overcooked three meals today. In fact, if we had a Stupid Person Race, I think you'd come in first. Sophia: I'm sorry. Maybe the oven is broken. Rose: Oh! It is! Didn't you get the note I left inside of the oven. Chuy: [holding burnt note] And at the wire, it's Rose by a nose. Blanche: All right, you little witch, where's the money? Sophia: What money? I don't know what you're talking about. Blanche: Stop stalling. Don't make me get rough. Sophia: I'm not talking, screw. And by the way, that's a nickname, not a suggestion. Miles: [as Rose prepares for his wedding] Look, Rose, I know how awkward this has been for you, but you have to believe me, Rose, I had no intention of hurting you. Rose: I'm a professional, Miles. I would never let my personal feelings for you keep me from planning the best wedding I can. Miles: Well, I'm glad to hear that, Rose. [sees a box full of stones on the table] Hey, what are these stones for? Rose: [glaring at him] I thought we'd throw them instead of rice. Runaways [1.13] Oliver: I'm a little kid! I was scared! I almost peed! Sophia: I'm over 100! I am scared! I am peeing! Blanche: I'm going to go slip into something that will make me look my best. Rose: May I suggest a time machine? Policeman: Um, ma'am, do you know how slow you're going? Sophia: Ah, bite me. Roland: I don't know much about Blanche's personal life, but so what if she likes to date? Rose: I used to think that until this Ernie came along. This is the hump that broke the camel's back. Roland: I think that's "the straw that broke the camel's back." Rose: Boy, you don't know much about Blanche's personal life, do you? Heartbreak Hotel [1.14] Sophia: [referring to Sex Seminar] This sounds awesome. I'm there! I haven't told you but I've been having some problems with my sexual partners lately. Rose: Such as? Sophia: I don't have any! Sophia: [to Rose, Roland, and Chuy] You're just being condescending to an old lady. But I'm a person, damn it! If you prick me do I not bleed?...eventually. Chuy: Will you look at all the toilet paper I found in the freezer? How many times do I have to tell Blanche, "Please, don't freeze the Charmin?" Roland: Chuy... Chuy: I mean who's gonna want to use frozen toilet paper? Sophia: [Grabs roll] At my age, any thrill will do. Señor Stinky Learns Absolutely Nothing About Life [1.15] Blanche: [referring to Mr. Reynolds] Oh! He said the most upsetting thing to me! Sophia: "Don't come back 'til you're wearing underwear?" Blanche: Sophia! I always go to meetings with men dressed like this! To me, it's just a great business tool. You know, it gives me a leg up. Sophia: Just one? Say Goodbye, Rose [1.16] Rose: How would you like me to iron those wrinkles out of your face, you little snitch? Sophia: Ooh! I'd like that! You've Lost That Livin' Feeling [1.17] Gerald Davenport: Good evening, my name is... [notices Chuy's name tag] ...Chuy Castillos. Rose: Oh my gosh, what a coincidence. Our cook is named Chuy Castillos. A New Leash on Life [1.18] [Roland has just seen his mother kiss Chuy, and he is incredibly angry] Chuy: Hey, Rol. What's happening? Wow, that's cool, man. How do you get that big vein in your head to bulge out like that? Rose: If Chuy should marry your mom, that would make you... Roland: A convicted killer! Pro and Concierge [1.19] Rose: I don't know anything. Blanche: Boy, there's a tattoo for your forehead. Sophia: Good news, everybody, I'm back from vacation. Chuy: Yeah, that's... Sophia: Have no fear, Petrillo is... Rose: Good to... Sophia: She's tan, she's rested, she's ready to crack wise. Who, you say? "Sophia. That's who!". Blanche: Fine. Sophia: I thought you said you missed me, what do I have to do to get some attention around here, a cartwheel? [long pause] OK, here goes. But I should warn you, I'm not wearing any underwear. [Plane flies overhead] Roland: [referring to plane] DC-10! Yep...you spend hours on your back, you get to know these things. Blanche: [enters with Rose and Chuy; referring to plane] Oh! DC-10! Yep. Tad [1.20] Blanche: [upon seeing her brother] Tad? Tad: Blanche! Blanche: Why, Tad, what are you doing here? Tad: I came here to visit you! You said so much about the hotel, I wanted to see it! [runs over and hugs Blanche] Blanche: Well, how did you get here? Tad: A nice man drove me in a big yellow car! Blanche: A big yellow -- oh, Tad, please tell me you didn't come all the way from Chattanooga in a -- [Tad's taxi driver appears at the door] Taxi driver: Hey, someone here owes me $728! Blanche: ...taxi. One Angry Stan [1.21] Rose: Congratulate me, Sophia! I've finally finished that jigsaw puzzle! Sophia: Big deal! It took you six months! Rose: On the box it said two to four years! Rose: [referring to Stan's death] So how are we going to tell Sophia? Blanche: We'll break it to her gently, tonight, just before we put her to bed. Sophia: Guess who I just ran into! Rose: Not Stan, he's dead! Sex, Lies and Tortillas [1.22] Charlene: Actually, Grandma, we thought we'd go jet skiing this afternoon. Rose: Oh that sounds exciting! Charlene: Yeah, tonight we thought we'd, you know, check out some of the clubs! Rose: That sounds like fun! Charlene:We thought Rick and I could share a room! Rose: Sounds like a cold day in Hell. The Chicken and the Egg [1.23] Bobby Lee: Blanche, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Blanche: I'm 42 years old. Bobby Lee: Yeah, you mentioned that. That means you were born in -- Blanche: Atlanta. Rose: [about Blanche's plans of marriage] Don't you think that ship has sailed? Sophia: That ship has sunk! Rose: I don't know what to say. Sophia: [about Blanche] I do, you're old. Rose: Sophia! Sophia: What? She's a fossil! Sylvia: My husband says that I'm frail, and old, and just asking for trouble. Roland: [about Self-Defense course] And what is your specific goal for this course? Sylvia: I'd like to put the bastard through a window. Cast Betty White - Rose Nylund Rue McClanahan - Blanche Devereaux Estelle Getty - Sophia Petrillo Don Cheadle - Roland Wilson Billy L. Sullivan - Oliver Webb Cheech Marin - Chuy Castillos External links 0103426 The Golden Palace Category:1990s American multi-camera sitcoms Category:Cancelled shows Category:CBS sitcoms Category:American television spin-offs Category:The Golden Girls Category:TV shows set in Miami