Jake and Amir

Jake and Amir (2007–2015) are a comedy duo that work for CollegeHumor. In mid-2007, the pair began uploading short improvisational skits online, eventually starting their own blog, Jake And Amir Dot Com. The characters of Jake and Amir are caricatures of their real-life personas, Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld. 2007 June Tattoo Amir: Mine is a bear. Okay? Jake: It's a bear? Where is it? Amir: I dunno. In the woods or something? Practical Joke Amir: Why are you untying your shoes? That means the joke's over. That means our relationship is over. Screen Name Jake: Honestly, if I [had] thought of a screen name that chill, I wouldn't have told anybody until I had already made it. Amir: Did you steal my chill screen name? Jake: I'm just trying to pimp out this chill pro' right now. IQ Test Jake: I just got a text message. It's from you. Amir: (nods) Jake: "180". Amir: I dunno. Was it me? Jake: Yeah, it was. It says who texts you. Amir: Yeah, I mean, sometimes it says "Restricted". Jake: Yeah, sometimes if you press the right buttons, it says "Restricted". Editing Amir: The joke is never "because 'blank' is gay". That's never the joke. It's not "because 'kite' is gay". Jake: It helps. It helps the joke. Amir: It's not even part of the joke. July Ace Jake: I just made up the word "ace" because you always steal my words, and I wanted to see if you would do it. And you did. Amir: What? Jake: "Ace" isn't real. I just wanted to see if you would steal it. Amir: Wow, that's really un-ace of you. I mean, I thought we were gullies, man! Jake: Yeah, I made that one up, too. iPhone Amir: Hey, what's your phone number? I'll put it in, and I'll divide it by two. Jake: 545-8992. Amir: Slow down. Jake: What is it? What does that say? Amir: It says "Error"... but I mean, I don't know which one is "divide" all the time. Jake: Why on earth would you get two? Amir: Because they wouldn't let me get three! Okay? I'm sorry. It's a store policy. Jake: I'm not saying two isn't enough. I'm saying two is too many. Amir: (nods) Jake: I mean, one is too many if you don't know how to use it. Website Ideas Amir: "Facebook for College Students". So it's like a Facebook site but just for college kids. Jake: That one's not gonna work just because, uh, Facebook already has all the college students on it. Amir: Okay, if you don't like something, just say "next" 'cause it's a long list and I don't want to waste your time. Amir: This one's actually kind of cool. You step on your laptop, and it weighs you. It tells you how much you weigh, like a scale. Jake: Okay, so "next". Amir: "Scale.com". 2008 Wingman Amir: Uh...oh! I totally forgot to tell you, he's so funny. Girl: Is he? I love funny guys. Amir: He's so nice and funny. Uh, today...no, it's stupid... Girl: No! Tell me, tell me. I wanna know. Yea. Amir: Today, we were looking at your Facebook profile on his computer, and he was humping the monitor and high-fiving people and cracking up. So funny. Girl: [sarcastic] Really? That sounds so funny. Amir: You think so? Girl: Yea. Amir: Oh, let me think of other jokes he did. Oh! He printed out your face super-big, and he cut a hole over the mouth and he and then he started humping it -- Jake: [to Pat] She actually thinks I'm cute. She likes me. Amir: -- and then he cut a hole over the eye and he was humping that too! Going around the office like a cowboy still high-fiving people. Girl: That's awesome. Amir: Can you see, by the way? Girl: Yea. Why? Amir: He said he'd fuck you blind. It's so weird that you can still see. We should really go talk to him. Girl: Yea, we should! It'll be fun. Let's go! You want to? Amir: You want me to lead you there? Girl: Yea, let's go! Amir: Cuz you're blind. Girl: It'll be so much fun! Amir: [thumbs up to Jake] Uh, you know my friend, Jake, right? Girl: Yea, Jake. I can fuckin' see you, I'm not blind. [slaps Jake and leaves] Amir: Wow, that was awesome. My boy's gettin' Frenched tonight! Hallie Part IV and Ace and Jocelyn Episode 6 Jake: Ace and Jocelyn, Ace and Jocelyn. From Space or whatever. Astronaut accountants. Nah nah nah. 2009 March Madness Pt 2 Amir: Um, I just got back from the doctor, and he said that I was very sick, actually. Jake: Really? Amir: Yea, he thinks I may have March MADNESS! FEVER! AND PNEUMONIA! Jake: What did you get on your SATs? Amir: Sixty. Amir: Is it too late to change my Final Four? Jake: Uh, no. Amir: Okay, good. I wanna make it a Final Six. Jake: Oh, it's too late to change the format of the tournament, though. Amir: Eh, Sheesh. When was that due? Amir: Portland State, no it's not. Cleveland State, no it's not. Utah State, no it's not. Jake: That one's a state. Amir: Uh, Florida State. Jake: Also a state. Amir: Sheesh. Okay, Oklahoma? Jake: Yep. Ooh, two for five. That sucks. You were- You started out strong, though. Amir: I know. I was lucky. I didn't know, I was just guessing. Jake: I know. Amir: I wanna watch my blanks, though! Blanks, for the wolf! For the epic wolf. Opinions Amir: [bad Australian accent] Ay, you're watching Jake and Amir, and we filmed this in Spain! Jake: Wow. Amir: Jake, I am about to say something that's gonna blow your mind. Gimme, like, ten minutes. Ten Minutes Later... Amir: Ekaj. Jake: My name backwards. Clever. Jake: I hate ice cream. Amir: It tastes like a mouth- It's like a mouth full of buttholes in my mouth. It tastes like acid. Jake: I think it's delicious. Amir: I think it tastes like delicious acid. Jake: It tastes like ass. Amir: Yea, it tastes like delicious ass is what I meant. Jake: But in a bad way. Amir: Yea, in a bad way. Amir: You are like a flippflopper and then I can't decide what I like because you are always all over the place. Amir: When I steal yours, it makes us better friends because we have the same opinions. I mean, what don't you get?! Jake: I don't get why you're being so honest about it. Amir: Oh my god, okay, let me formulate my own opinions, right? And then, maybe, if they match, we can possibly be best fr- I MEAN, JUST LISTEN TO MYSELF, IT SOUNDS CRAZY! Jake: I hate nuggets. Amir: Don't. VideoGames Amir: Oh, by the way, did you see what Jake was wearing today? Sam: Uh...wasn't he wearing a cardigan? Amir: Uh, I don't know what that is, but he was wearing a sweater with buttons that went down. Sam: I don't know what a cardigan is either. Amir: So why'd you say it? Sam: I was making an educated guess. Amir: Well, stop being an educated guest, and start...being...a... So. Amir: My parents can drop us off if your parents can pick us up. Sam: My parents are not how you say, "alive." Amir(Laughing): Oh yeah! I forgot! Sam(High-Pitched Voice): They died in a plane crash! Amir(High-Pitched Voice): They died in a plane crash! Sam(HPV): They died in a plane crash! Amir(Normal): They died in a plane crash. Sam(Normal): When I was four. Amir: You know what sucks? Sam(HPV): Think about my parents all the time? Sam: Remember that Jake-themed birthday party I threw for you on my birthday? Master Cleanse Amir: Hi, you're watching Jake and Quincy. Jake: That's half right. Amir: I'm Jake. Jake: So, totally wrong. Brother Jake: Put your dick away, man! Amir: Okay, it was away. It was in a box. External links JakeAndAmir.com Jake and Amir's Facebook Fan Page Amir's Twitter Blumenwitz - Facebook Fan Group Category:Comedians from the United States Category:Living people