Everybody Loves Raymond (season 1)

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 | Main Everybody Loves Raymond (1996 – 2005) was a long-running CBS sitcom about a successful sports writer Ray Barone, whose oddball family life consists of a fed up wife, overbearing parents (who live across the street), and an older brother with lifelong jealousy of Ray. Season 1 I Love You [1.02] Ray: Are you ok? Debra: I'm fine. Ray: Uh oh, fine is bad. What is it? What's the matter? Debra: Nothing. Ray: Nothing...nothing is worse! Debra: I love you Ray: ...And I you [Debra walks off] Ray: Debra! DEBRA! Ally: STELLA! Frank: [to Marie and Robert] This love stuff....we never mention it again. Ray: Oh, now I don't love you? Debra: You don't say it. Ray: I do. Debra: No, you don't. Ray: I do! Debra: When do you say it? Ray: WITH MY EYES! Ray: Listen dad, when was the last time you said I love you to someone? Frank: What? Do you live in a freaking fairyland? Marie: When we first got married, I said "I love you" all the time. Frank: When? When did you say it? Marie: I said it all the time! Ray: Were you in my office, mom? Marie: Yeah I was trying to get a pen to do the crossword puzzles. You know, your desk drawer is locked. Debra and Ray: Yeah, we lock it now. It keeps the kids out. Marie: Oh, that's a good idea! I broke a knife in it. Robert: You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears. Waitress: Extra sauce! Bernie: She's the saucy one. Waitress: And the assorted fried cheeses plate. Ray: He's the fat one! Ray: Hey, that's tongue. I thought you were a vegetarian. Ray: [on the phone] Yea, I miss you too. Okay, yea, I'll see you tomorrow. And honey, I love you. Good, well, get used to it because I'm gonna say it all the time. Okay. Now give the phone to mommy. I Wish I Were Gus [1.03] Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead! Ray: Oh, no I liked him. Robert: Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table) Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy Ray: Why? I hardly knew the guy. Frank: It was his dying wish. Robert: Even dead people love Raymond. Alda: What's your problem Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me. Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped! Marie: You never even sent a gift. Alda: My gift was that I came at all. Marie: What kind of a horse's ass gift is that? Alda: You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass! [Ally drew a mustache on Jeffrey] Frank: Can Hitler have a juice-box? Debra: Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy? Ray: What? Debra: A man who does the dishes. Ray: No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman! Ray: Some funeral, huh? Debra: Yeah. Ray: Wanna do it? Ray: Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about... Gus Barone. Robert: Haaaaarrrr!!! Ray: Thank you. Standard Deviation [1.04] Ray: You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter. Debra: Oh, guess who wrote that... [Ray puts away tax papers and sits next to Debra] Debra: You promised you'd get this done! Ray: That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet! Debra: You gotta, you gotta get this done. [Ray pulls off Debra's socks and starts rubbing her bare feet] Ray: Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick. Debra: Just shut up and rub. [Ray continues to massage her feet, but starts tickling them as well] Debra: That's not rubbing, that's tickling! [Robert walks in] Robert: Glad to see you're not busy. [Ray is still caressing Debra's bare feet] Ray: What makes you think we're not busy, Rob? Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence Ray. Frank: That's right. There's STREET SMARTS! [Debra smashes a bowl of ice cream into Ray's lap] Ray: Mmm, fudgey. Look Don't Touch [1.05] [Andy is staring at Angelina, the attractive waitress.] Andy: So, Angelina, how are you? Angelina: Did you want something? Andy: No, thanks. I just thought we could talk. Bernie: [Angelina walks away] Ahh, did you smell her? Ray: No, I read the sign Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help." Bernie: Oh, man look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do? Ray: You'd wear the same underwear every day. Frank: Hello, ladies! Ray: What are you doing here? Frank: Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress. Ray: Oh god. Angelina: Hello, will you be staying for lunch? Frank: Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you. [Marie thinks Ray might have an affair with Angelina, the attractive waitress] Debra: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray. Marie: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana! Ray: [to Angelina] I'm sorry that was rude of me. This is Debra, the little lady. I don't mean little in a size way, or that she doesn't matter. She's my lady. She's my great big lady. Frank, the Writer [1.06] Robert: Michael threw his milk at me! Frank: Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby. Debra: Ray, Robert is still here. Ray: Hey, Robert! What are you doing here? Robert: I had a suspicion I needed to confirm. Debra: Robert, what's wrong? Robert: I don't think Michael loves me anymore. Debra: What are you talking about? Robert: He's not like Geoffrey, he seems standoffish. Ray: You do know Michael is a baby, right? Robert: Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me. Your Place or Mine? [1.07] [Ray and Debra are going over their bills.] Debra: According to this, we can afford a car phone. Ray: No. No car phone. Debra: Why? Why do you fight technology? Ray: I'm against technology? Debra: Yeah. Ray: Who introduced you to Wonderbra? Ray: All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap. Debra: Good job, honey. Ray: Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony. Debra: Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out. Ray: I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you. [Ray starts reading the newspaper.] Debra: You better be looking at jewelry ads. [Marie barges into the house.] Marie: Your father has finally done it. Ray: What's that, learned to buckle his pants? Frank: I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except the one where he gets pregnant. Debra: Where's Frank? Ray: By now he's probably taping the toilet seat so he never has to flush. Debra: Ray! She's in there chiseling my head stone! Debra: [To Ray, about Marie] Anything she cooks for me you're tasting first. Ray: You hear that? Debra: No, I don't hear anything. Ray: That’s the sound of all our clothes being refolded. Frank: It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop! Frank: I can be sweet....it takes people time to discover that. Debra: Robert, just do what I do; tell him you're tired and he'll climb off. In-Laws [1.08] Lois: So, how are things going with you, Robert? Robert: Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet. Ray: These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state! Win, Lose or Draw [1.09] Debra: You lost $2300 to your father?!?! Ray: Relax, alright? We're gonna get the money back. Debra: How? Ray: When he dies. [Robert interrogates Ray and Frank for illegally gambling] Ray: What the hell are you doing? Robert: "Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me. Marie: You're giving him back that money! Frank: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. Play with fire, you're going to get burned. [Waves check in front of Raymond] Frank: AND ALWAYS, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN! Frank: You're not talking to me? Marie: Nope. Frank: [smiling] I just keep winning. Marie: This is for you. Debra: Ahh. But I thought Frank said... Marie: No, he doesn't know anything about that. This is my money. Debra: You have money? Marie: Oh... My father, oh, such a wise man. On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200, and said, "Here". This is if you come to your senses and leave Frank. Debra: Wow. My dad only gave me fifty. Ray: For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok? Frank: You're right. You're right. Ray: What, what am I right about? Frank: You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back] Frank: So Ray, you feel like a winner? Ray: Not really. Turkey or Fish [1.10] Ally: My teacher says they had fish at the first Thanksgiving. Ray: Yeah, well, people were stupid then, sweetie! Debra: Look, Ray, we want to start our own tradition, and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving. Ray: Well, why don't we have some smallpox then, too? Ray: You want me to convince my parents to come here, and my sales pitch is, "mmm, mmm, fish!" Ray: I got the last of the baking powder. I had to fight two old ladies to get it. Debra: What did you do? Ray: Nothing I'm proud of. Ray: Debra, calm down. You're reacting to missing squash like the time we left Ally at the mall! Debra: I can't compete with your mother's turkey Ray, the woman has giblets in her blood! Ray: My mom is such a great cook. Thanksgiving, that's kinda what makes my mom...worth it. Frank: [Looking at the TV] What the hell is this crap? Warren: That's soccer. Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to football, they actually mean soccer! Frank: In many countries people eat cats. Uncle Mel: My god! That fish smell is like a....a punch in the face. Marie: Where do you want me to put this turkey? Debra: I'll tell you where you can put it... Debra's Mother: You want some yams? Uncle Mel: No, I hate yams. Ally: [dressed up as a yam] You hate yams? Debra: Aw, honey, he doesn't hate ALL yams. Uncle Mel: Yes, I do, I hate them, they're very binding! Captain Nemo [1.11] Ally: Mommy, that man over there is smoking! Dave: Narc! Ally: Good morning, Mommy. Debra: Hi, honey. Where's Daddy? Ally: In the shower singing. He's terrible! Debra: You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids. Ray: I know...did it have to be sex? The Ball [1.12] Marie: Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree. Frank: An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist. Marie: You're cheap. Frank: Alright, I'm saving money. Debra: Mommy is just wrestling daddy. Ray: Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real? Frank: It's a real ball. Marie: What's the matter? Ray: Nothing, nothing's the matter. Debra: Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus. Marie: You what?!?! Ray: NO, I didn't tell her. Marie: My own son, an atheist?!?! [Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus] Robert: Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice. Ray: There are now. Come on, Robert-- Robert: No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick. [Ally walks in] Debra: Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus. Ally: Santa? Robert: Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho. Ray: Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute. Robert: I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus. [Frank enters, dressed as Santa] Frank: Where's Ally? [Frank notices Robert] Frank: Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here? Robert: I'm Santa Claus. Frank: You're Santa? Ray: Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is. Frank: What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor? Debra: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers. Frank: Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around? Robert: I bet you can't even name the reindeer. Frank: Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty! Robert: Now we know the truth. [Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard] Ally: It's Uncle Robert! Robert: [in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you. Ray: Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon. Frank: You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you? Ray: Yeah, yeah dad. Frank: Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you. Debra's Sick [1.13] Who's Handsome? [1.14] The Car [1.15] Diamonds [1.16] The Game [1.17] Marie: Oooh, all of a sudden you have scruples. Frank: I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs. Recovering Pessimist [1.18] The Dog [1.19] Neighbors [1.20] (Frank is showing off the birdhouse he built when he sees the video playing on the TV. He doesn't realize it's a video one of the neighbors shot of him on the porch naked) Frank: (chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party! Raymond: (grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree-- Frank: (amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows) Marie: (mortified) Frank! Frank: (equally mortified) Holy crap... Priest: ...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank... Ray: Wait, the man's name was Frank? Priest: That's not important. What's important is... Ray: Frank Barone? Priest: You know Frank Barone?! Ray: He's my father! Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?! Ray: Yes!!! Priest: You're absolved. Ray: What? Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts. Ray: Really? Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive. Fascinatin' Debra [1.21] Why Are We Here? [1.22] Ray: So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out? Robert: (frustrated) "COME ON!!!" Frank: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie Category:Everybody Loves Raymond seasons