The Goldbergs (season 4)

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Main The Goldbergs (2013–2023) is an American long-running sitcom aired on ABC. Season 4 Breakfast Club [4.1] [Adam in Duckie from Pretty in Pink comes to see his friends] Taz: Whoa. What's with the bolo tie? Adam: I've come to terms that I'm the lovable nerd, like Duckie from Pretty in Pink. And I've decided to embrace it. Wait. Why are you guys wearing hats, too? Taz: 'Cause I want the cool kids to think I'm a rugged adventurer, like Indiana Jones. Dave: And I'm hoping this Devo hat lands me a spot in the New Wave crowd. Adam: Gentlemen, high school's gonna rock. Johnny: Nice hats, hat boys. Carla: You're all wearing hats like idiots! That's your thing! Johnny: Later, hat heads. [chuckles] Adam: High school's gonna suck. I Heart Video Dating [4.2] Erica: Nerd, I need you to make an awesome video for Lainey's dad. Adam: Holy balls! My first professional paid gig! Erica: I'm not paying you. Adam: Still a professional gig, though. Erica: It's really not. Adam: I see it now. We open on a time portal as Mr. Lewis' cold, naked body spills to the Earth. He rises from the smoke like a Love Terminator. Erica: Yeah, no nudity or time travel. Just make Mr. Lewis look cool, you know, macho. Adam: We're making a picture! An Adam F. Goldberg joint. Erica: What's with the "F"? Adam: There's another Adam Goldberg at school. He's super-sensitive. I don't want to cause any marketplace confusion. Erica: Don't worry about it. No one cares about either of you. George! George! Class! [4.3] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, Philadelphia hosted one of the most legendary charity rock concerts ever assembled: Live Aid, and no one wanted to go more than Big Tasty. Barry: Dad, we need to have an insanely important talk. And if you say, "Go to your mother," there will be serious consequences. Murray: Not listening. Go to your mother. Barry: Okay, you know how all the awesome stuff happens in New York and L.A. and Florida, but never here? Murray: You do know the Philadelphia is the birthplace of our country, right? Barry: Enough with your folk tales, old man! I'm talking about now. [He shows his dad a newspaper saying Live Aid.] It's called Live Aid. The world's biggest rock concert ever is happening here this weekend, and I need your car. Murray: What's wrong with your van? Barry: Doesn't start. I think it needs new spark plugs or gas or something. Point is, give me your keys and wallet. Hurry. Murray: Here's the thing... No. Barry: But I presented such a strong case! Murray: This concert's been all over the news. There's gonna be a million morons pouring into the city, each one with bad hair and worse ideas. Barry: But I have the worst ideas! I should be there, too. Murray: No way I'm allowing my car to be driven in that madness. It'll never return. Barry: Do you mean know who's performing at Live Aid? Murray: I don't know, and more importantly, I don't care. Barry: Rick Springfield, REO Speedwagon, the Hooters, Black Sabbath, RUN-D.M.C., Simple Minds, Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin, Bernard Watson, Joan Baez, Four Tops, Billy Ocean, Bryan Adams, Crosby, Stills & Nash, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, George Thorogood & The Destroyers, most of the Rolling Stones, all of Hall & Oates, Madonna, Phil Collins, Duran Duran, Eddie Kendricks and David Ruffin, Patti LaBelle, The Cars, Kenny Loggins, Tom Petty, and The Heartbreakers, Santana, Pretenders, Ashford & Simpson... Murray: Ashford & Simpson? I'm in! Barry: Really? Murray: No! None of these names mean anything to me! Crazy Calls [4.4] Adult Adam: [voiceover] As Erica did my dad's dirty work, me and my new pals were having some good, clean fun. Mike C. Levy: And that, my friend, is how you use Basic to program a real-body booby. Adam: Whoa! So lifelike. Johnny: [pulling the plug out causing the computer to switch off] Scram! Me and this lady are gonna study for health class, with our faces. Mike C. Levy: No way! We're allowed to be here at lunch. Mr. Glascott says. Johnny: You're a ballsy, little nerd, aren't you? Tell you what, I'm gonna let it slide, but only because there's a broom closet for us right down the hall. Later, nerd losers. Carla: Look at them with their nerd thermoses. Like they're nerd construction workers. [She and Johnny laugh] [They leave the computer room but are stopped by Beverly] Beverly: Excuse me. What did you just say about those nerd losers? Carla: Uh, that they should drink out of their nerd thermoses? Beverly: Glascott's office now! [The scene cuts to Principal Glascott's office] Beverly: So, what kind of punishment are we talking about here? Suspension, expulsion, solitary confinement? Do we do that? 'Cause that's what I want. Mr Glascott: Yeah. You two can go back to class, and try not to be so accurate with your nerd results next time. [Carla and Johnny are heading back to class] Oh, and stay out of that broom closet. Yeah, that's right. Old Glascott knows what's up! Beverly: Why did you let them go? They called my schmoo a nerd. Mr Glascott: That's not on them. That's more on your schmoo for being one. Beverly: Hey, only I get to call my schmoo a schmoo. Mr Glascott: The point is, Adam and his gang of computer dorks don't even eat in the lunchroom. That means they're not even on the social ladder. You've got to do something about this. If you don't help Adam, then you have failed as a mother. Beverly: But that is my greatest nightmare. You gotta help me. Please. I told him I'd respect his boundaries. Guide me. It's what you're so good at. Mr Glascott: I know you're playing me for a fool, but this fool has low-grade depression. So... I'll bite. Barry: [on the phone] Hi. You've reached the Goldbergs. Leave a message. [Phone beeps] Erica: Hey. I got a flat tire, and I need... Barry: Ha! It's not the answering machine, you dumb idiot! It's actually me... Barry. Erica: [sighs] It's me. I need Dad... Barry: Gotcha again! It is the answering machine. Leave a message. [Phone beeps again] Erica: Damn it! I've got a flat tire, and I need Dad... Barry: No, it's actually me, Barry, for real. So, what's the deal? Erica: Barry, I will kill you! Put Dad on the... Barry: But, seriously, leave a message at the beep. [Phone beeps again] Erica: Dad, I've got a flat... Barry: Oh, my God. You're a dumb sack of crap. Stefan King [4.5] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, Stephen King was the master of horror. The man seemed to write a new book every week, and I devoured them all. But my favorite, "Misery," a story about a woman who kept a writer captive till he wrote her the story of her dreams. Beverly: Schmoop-a-loop. Don't forget we're going underpants shopping tomorrow. Adam: I remember you saying that. I don't remember agreeing to it. Beverly: I suppose you're too old for Underoos now? Adam: Yes! I'm in a high school! God, this is a nightmare I can't escape from. Beverly: [sighs] Guess I'll have to put these in my scrapbook now. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Stephen King made me want to write horror stories, too. I just hadn't found anything horrific to write about. Adam: Let me see. What is scary? Beverly: Kissy monster attack! Adult Adam: [voiceover] And if my writer's block weren't bad enough, I had this to deal with, too. Beverly: Whoo! That was good for me. Okay, meatloaf burgers in 20. [chuckles] [mumbling] Ohh! [laughs] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Wait. That was it. I already lived in my own Stephen King horror tale, and I was gonna write about the scariest monster of them all... Beverly: Kissy monster attack! Adult Adam: ...my horrifying smother. Beverly: Feed on chubby cheeks! Recipe for Death II: Kiss the Cook [4.6] Adult Adam: [voiceover] The '80s were the pinnacle of the badass, jacked-up action hero. They tore up the movie screen and inspired every kid to let out their inner commando. Ho-ly K.I.T.T. [4.7] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, all the best TV shows featured a cool vehicle. Airwolf was a badass chopper. Street Hawk tore it up on a cycle. But my favorite was K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider... A turbo-booster talking super car! I was so obsessed, I even made my own version of K.I.T.T., and I named it G.I.T.T.! Erica: [sighs] Being a vegetarian sucked. Honestly, I was just looking for something to distract me from thinking about Geoff all the time. Geoff: No freaking way! Erica: Hey, Geoff! Look, it's Geoff! Geoff: I thought Barry was messing with me when he said K.I.T.T. was here. Knight Rider is my favorite show! Erica: Mine too! I love the knights and horses and swords. Lainey: Maybe don't talk until you've seen it. Erica: We should take her for a spin together! Uh, maybe grab a burger, just me and you? Geoff: Oh, my God, yes! We can swing by Evy's house and pick her up! She's gonna flip! Lainey: That's not how you wanted it to work, huh? Erica: Yeah, really not my week. Geoff: K.I.T.T., pick up girlfriend. [laughs] The Greatest Musical Ever Written [4.8] Adult Adam: [voiceover] It was November 30, 1980-something, and Erica was planning her winter-semester schedule. Erica: Okay, Pops. I just finished the ultimate slacker schedule. Not that my college applications are in, I can finally, completely give in to my senioritis. Pops: A lot of my friends have that. I-It's not as joyful with them. Erica: First period, I kick things off with study hall, ease into my day. And then it's on the second period, another study hall for naps, and then typing class and then an easy "A" in home EC, and then ceramics and then intro to summer. Pops: That's a class? Erica: It's an independent study I created. You know, there's a science to getting a good base tan. Pops: Well, you outdid yourself. This schedule really does spit in the face of education as we know it. Murray: Got to admit, all this prepping and planning, very mature of you. Pops: [to Murray] You approve of all this? Murray: She's gonna be going to college soon. My job here is done. Pops: Your job? As a parent? Murray: Yep. Gonna be phoning it in from now on. Pops: And this has been you not phoning it in. Murray: I've been working my ass off. Beverly: [sitting next to Pops] Hey, Boopie. What's with the board? Erica: It's a year of mixing and relaxing with nonstop blow-off classes. Beverly: Well, at least you're taking one real class. Erica: Which is... Beverly: Home ec. Running a house is the hardest job in the world. Erica: You know, some people but a man on the moon, and others put parm on a chicken. Beverly: Uh, you sound insane right now. Home economics is the cornerstone of civilization. Erica: Or it's a class football players take to make drop cookies. Beverly: That's what they're teaching you? How to drop a hunk of batter on a sheet? Murray: When did you get so anti-drop cookie? Beverly: They're not gonna teach you how to darn a sock, pepper a ham or bleach an undie? Murray: I'm in the mood for drop cookies. Beverly: It's important for you to have the knowledge that your grandmother had and her grandmother had before her. Erica: Yeah, well, I'll hire a maid who has that knowledge. Until then, I have some mixing and relaxing to do. [Erica leaves] Murray: Will you make me some drop cookies? Adult Adam: [voiceover] As Erica's plans for senior year were crumbling, my year was shaping up to be epic. Dave: Dude. Ms. Cinoman just posted the cast list. I'm The Phantom! The lead. Was there any doubt? Adam: No one likes a diva, Dave Kim. Oh, did you see what I got? Barry: A lifetime of pain. Give it up now or be a loser forever. Lainey: [excited] Oh, my God! I got Christine! Barry: Whoa, whoa. Hold up! Since when do you do the school musical? Lainey: Since it became Phantom of the Opera. Barry: But I thought we shared the same beliefs and core values, mainly that theater was super lame. Lainey: It is, except Phantom being the one exception because it's romantic and full of candelabras. [to Adam] And guess what? You're Raoul. Adam: Wait, are you sure it's not the other Adam Goldberg? He's an actor, too. Lainey: There's an "F." It's Adam F! Adam: My first big part! Suck it, other Adam Goldberg! Don't tell him I said that. I fear him. But yes! Lainey: Yeah, we're like the power couple of the show. Barry: What? Lainey: It's acting. Don't make this weird. [to Adam] Yay, Phantom! [squeals lightly] [Adam and Lainey leave just as JTP turn up] Barry: [sighs] She was supposed to come over and watch me provoke those hornets! Can you believe this? "Naked" Rob: Kind of. Geoff: It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's opus. Barry: What are you talking about? Andy: Haven't you heard the original West End cast recording? Dude. "Naked" Rob: Dude. Geoff: The Phantom loved Christine so much, he let her go. Andy: You know, if I were you, I'd be worried about a showmance. "Naked" Rob: Oh, for sure. Geoff: No doubt. Barry: What's a showmance? "Naked" Rob: It's when people play lovers onstage, and it leads to chemistry offstage, too. Barry: How do you guys know so much about theater? Geoff: We saw the musical Hair. We went for the nudity, but stayed for the rich musical tapestry. Barry: You guys are nuts! My super foxy girlfriend and theater dork brother? Yeah, not sweating it. "Naked" Rob: Strange 'cause your t-shirt is quite wet. Andy: Yeah you're literally sweating it. Barry: You are! Anyhow, I'm gonna go charge my shirt and pop by rehearsal for the fun of it. [He runs off]Geoff: He's so sweaty. Andy: Yeah, it's like a gland issue. "Naked" Rob: Must be. Globetrotters [4.9] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, basketball was all about showmanship. Flying through the air, slamming and jamming with style. And nobody did it better than the Harlem Globetrotters. And there was no bigger far than my brother Barry. He spent hours trying to be the next Curly Neal, perfecting his buzzer-beating hook shot. Han Ukkah Solo [4.10] Adult Adam: [voiceover] When you were a kid, cracking open a toy catalog and making your holiday wish list was the most exciting part of the year. But now that I was a ninth-grade man, I wanted something you couldn't find in any store. Johnny: Psst! Yo! Goldnerd, Come here. [Adam comes to Johnny] You got the money, I got the hook-up. Adam: Let me see it first. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Christmas came early. He had a bootleg copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special. Adam: Holy Kenobi! The legend is true! Johnny: This is the rarest film in existence. Only aired once in the lame-ass '70s. Adam: Give me, give me, give me! Johnny: Pleasure doing business. Enjoy your Star Wars. [Adam gives him his pound note and Johnny hands him a video of Star Wars Holiday Special.]O Captain! My Captain! [4.11] Mr Glascott: And that is how you perform CPR on a man. Whoa, Mr. Goldberg, what is that you have there? Is that another note? Adam: What? You just... Mr Glascott: You know the rule. If you get caught with a note, you have to stand up and read it out loud so that everybody can hear it. Adam: [standing up and reading it aloud] "Hey, Adam. Who's your favorite teacher? I know mine's old Glascott. He's hip like us. Dude just gets it. Did you know he's in a funk-fusion band called Funk and Games? I heard he's playing at the farmer's market this weekend." I can't read any more. I'm just gonna eat it. [He is about to eat it]Mr Glascott: You can't eat paper! It'll plug you up! Snow Day [4.12] Erica: Ugh! I am so glad I'm finally done with that college essay. Pops: You know, sweetheart, it's not too late to write about a real hero. Erica: Ship's kind of sailed at this point. Pops: That ship might circle back to port when you take a gander at some circus adventures after the war. Erica: Oh, Pops, you don't have to make stuff up. You'll always be a hero to me. Pops: But I spend four hours digging this up... Ah, damn it. She's gone.[Project whirrs]Man on TV: And there they are, folks, stretching it.[They cheer and applause]Pops: You handsome devil. Man on TV: All right! Come on down and see it. Agassi [4.13] Adam: My brother. Barry, my handsome and powerful brother, I need your help. Barry: Normally I'd punch you and walk away, but I gotta say I'm intrigued. Adam: I joined the tennis team, and I need a doubles partner. Barry: Becoming bored! Adam: And I need your incredible gifts. Barry: Listening again. Adam: Since you dominated all sports, I was wondering if you'd help me seek revenge on my best friend on the tennis court. Barry: Well, you're in luck 'cause I know everything there is about tennis because of the coolest player on the planet. The Spencer's Gift [4.14] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, before you could buy everything from your couch, you had to drive to an actual location to get stuff. The magical place was known as "The mall." It was the center of every teenager's universe. And nobody loved the mall more than my brother and sister. So Swayze It's Crazy [4.15] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Ah, the child stars of the '80's. They were the coolest kids around, and we all wanted to be them. As fate would have it, one grew up with me in Jenkintown. It was R.D. Robb, and I kind of knew him, sort of. The Kara-te Kid [4.16] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, we were all obsessed with the movie Karate Kid, the tale of a misfit teenage who teams up with Mr. Miyagi to crane-kick his way to victory. Deadheads [4.17] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Ah, the Grateful Dead... There were the chillest jam band of the '80s, and wherever they went, their die-hard fans would follow them. Back then, every school had the token Deadhead. Ours was Matt Bradley. Matt: [singing] I will get by "Naked" Rob: So talented. Andy: So chill. Geoff: I will get by. Barry: JTP! All: JTP! Barry: Where you guys been? I was at the Wawa, feeding that stray dog pizza. You missed out big-time. He loves pineapples, like a person. Andy: I told you, bro! "Naked" Rob: Hilarious. Geoff: I eat those, and I'm a person. Barry: Come on. Let's go spit off a bridge. Andy: Actually, I think we'd rather just chill here and watch Matt Bradley jam. Barry: That guy? He's a stupid Deadhead. "Naked" Rob: So? Barry: So? Their songs are, like, a million hours long, their crazy fans smell like armpits, and all they wear is tie-dye. It's like, pick a color, bro. You can't have them all. Geoff: Look past the swirly colors, man. Matt Bradley's a good egg. Andy: We should totally make him a member of the JTP. Barry: No way! It's in our official bylaws that any potential JTP prospect has to bring something new to the group. "Naked" Rob: Dude, he's, like, a chick magnet. Barry: We already got one, me! Andy: He's also, like, super-chill. Barry: I'm super-chill! I will physically hurt your face right now! Geoff: At the very least, he's musical. Barry: You want music? Watch and learn. [standing on the table] Attention, adoring fans. Big Tasty is in the house! Johnny: You suck! Barry: [pointing at Johnny] That's right! I do rock. JTP, drop a beat. Geoff: Um, Bar, history has proven that you say two good lines and then you freeze up and just repeat them over and over... Barry: I said "Drop a beat!"[They start beatboxing]Barry: [singing] Check to the one and check to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping at you 'Cause I'm checking to the one and I'm checking to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping for you Checkity one and checkity two Andy: He's stuck in a loop again. Barry: [continues singing] And I'm rapping and I'm rapping and I'm rapping at you[Crowd boos]Geoff: And he's gonna get hit in the face in three, two... Adult Adam: [voiceover] It was March 8th, 1980-something, and I was doing what I did best, being awesome. Adam: [as Robocop] Dead or alive, you're coming with me. Beverly: All right, my little Robo-Schmoop, time to clean up your masterpiece so I can lay out mine. Adam: But we're about to shoot Pops' big scene. Pops: Adam, is that you? I can't see in this thing! Adam: Just take five, Pops. Pops: Finally! I'm schvitzing in this big box![Pops accidentally knocks over Adam's video camera]Adult Adam: [voiceover] What happened next would change my life forever. Adam: [slow-motion] Oh... Fudge! Adult Adam: Only, I didn't say "fudge". I said the big one, the granddaddy of bad words, and it was not good.[Beverly drags Adam and turns the TV off]Murray: Hey! Beverly: You don't even want to know what this little muddy mouth just said. You only get one helping of shrimp Parm tonight. You can have seconds on cheesy garlic bread, but no thirds! Adam: It was an accident, okay? Beverly: Unacceptable! I mean, where did you even learn such a potty word? Adam: Nowhere. Beverly: Answer me! Who taught you how to do this stuff? Adam: You, all right?! I learned it by watching you! [he walks off]Beverly: Wha... What? I have never! Erica: Seriously? Beverly: What? I don't talk like that. Adult Adam: [voiceover] But she did. Bev Bombs were dropped on a daily basis in our home. Beverly: Holy [BLEEP]! I love that idea! I hate drugs so [BLEEP] much! Adam used to be a good boy, and now he's a real [BLEEP]. [bleeping in every scene] Yeah! Beverly: Okay, maybe I do get saucy once in a blue moon, but I can because I'm an adult. Erica: An adult who can't stop herself from talking like a lumberjack. Beverly: Oh, really? Well, we'll see about that. I'm starting a swear jar. [She puts pickles in the bin]Murray: My pickles! Erica: You do realize that jar is way too small for you, right? Beverly: Oh, you'll see. I'm not gonna drop a penny into this thing. Erica: Oh, well, then you won't mind if we use it for something awesome, like, I don't know, a trip to the Bahamas. Beverly: Or even more exciting... A trip to Colonial Williamsburg! We can finally get a picture in the stocks! Erica: You already have one! [She shows Beverly a picture of her, Adam and Beverly in the stocks]Beverly: But I want a new one. Oh. Thou doth look so snuggly. [She giggles]Erica: No more old-timey trips where we learn stuff. I want to tan in the Bahamas. Murray: No one's going to the Bahamas. No one's going anywhere. Beverly: Of course not. And you know why? Because my lips are squeaky-clean. Yay! Making my kids better people is gonna be [BLEEP] fun. Geoff: Yo, dude, we've been talking, and we want to make an official vote to include Matt Bradley into the JTP. Bradley: We already decided. He brings nothing new to the table. Andy: Bro, he's got a snake. Barry: A streamlined iguana? For real? [He looks at Matt Bradley who has a snake around his neck]"Naked" Rob: A deal's a deal. He's JTP-worthy. Barry: Fine! We take a vote and never discuss it again. All those in favor in accepting Matt Bradley as a member of the JTP, say "Aye." All: Aye. Barry: Those opposed? Me. And as we all know, I'm the leader, so my vote counts as three. And what does that mean? All: Tie vote. Barry: And what happens in the event of a tie vote? All: You win. Barry: Democracy in action! Let's go. Matt: Yo, JTP, you meet Snake Plissken? Barry: He poisonous? Matt: Nah. He's a boa, super-docile. Barry: Lame. Matt: Oh, I was gonna see if you wanted to hold it. Barry: Oh, yeah! I mean... No. We took a vote. We reject you and your awesome viper. Geoff: That's not what the vote was for. It was to be a member of the JTP. Matt: Wow. I would be honored. Barry: Don't be. You've already been rejected. It was a landslide. "Naked" Rob: Come on, Bar. At least give him a chance to take the membership test. Matt: Membership test? Andy: It's a series of riddles, trivia, and feats of strength. Matt: Sounds rad. Barry: Fine! I'll give you a shot. But, as our charter states, once you fail, you can't ever be one of us. Matt: You don't mess around in the JTP. All: JTP! Barry: No! He's not a member! No call and response, JTP. All: JTP. Adult Adam: [voiceover] As Matt Bradley was learning the rules of the JTP, my mom was setting up her own rules. Beverly: The rules are simple, You curse, you reimburse. One dollar for every swear sworn in this household. Erica: Well, I, for one, think this is a fantastic way to make us the very best people that we can be. And go to the Bahamas and pierce my belly button. Forget I said that. Murray: No one's going to the damn Bahamas. Erica: Bup-bup! That's a dollar in the swear jar, Dad. Beverly: She's right, Murray. We have to live by example. Murray: I'm not paying for these morons to go to the Bahamas. Erica: You know, "moron" may not be considered a curse word, but it really does feel like one emotionally. Murray: I'll put 20 bucks in that thing if I can call my moron who's acting like a moron a moron anytime I want. Erica: 50. Murray: Worth it. Morons! Erica: You know what would teach us a super-valuable lesson? Upping the fee for the big-time swears to 5 bucks a pop. Beverly: Yes! Ooh! What a great idea. Adam: Oh, balls! It's really not! Beverly: [laughs] That's $5! Adam: For balls? But it has so many meanings, only one of which refers to one's nards. Beverly: That's $10! Yay! My babies are gonna be angels! Adam: What have you done, dragon lady? I've got $7 to my name. I'm already in debt. Erica: Relax. I have a plan. When it comes to swearing, we have self-control. Lucky for us, our mom does not. Adam: Oh, my God. You're gonna use the swear jar to scam Mom. Erica: I ran the numbers. We need 723 big swear words. If we can up Mom's swear rate to twice an hour and nail her on some "hells" and "damn its" in between, we're gonna be slurping on strawberry daiquiris in the Bahamas in 13 days. Adam: How do we get her to swear more? Erica: Follow my lead. [She goes upstairs to Beverly to see what she has been thinking about] Hey, Mom? I've been thinking about it, and... You're more than a mom. You're also, like... A friend. Beverly: That's exactly how I feel! We're like best [bleep]' friends!Erica: Oh. Wow. While I appreciate the enthusiasm, you kind of just dropped a big-money word.Beverly: That'll be a fiver. Did I say [BLEEP]? I said it again! Oh! How many [BLEEP] was that? [sighs] Oh, [BLEEP] it. I'll just put in a $20. It's money well-spent for my delicious, talented superstar!Adam: Mama! I'm cold, and nothing can keep me warm like your hug! Will you hug me till I'm all roasty and toasty inside?Beverly: [BLEEP] [She hugs him and laughs] You are so adorable! [gasps] I'll get my purse. [chuckles]Adult Adam: [voiceover] As we bankrolled our trip to the Bahamas, my brother was banking on Matt Bradley failing the impossible JTP entrance exam.Barry: Let the trials of the JTP begin.All: JTP!Barry: First up, Smashball. Let's see you hit my unhittable knuckle melon. [He throws the melon just before Matt destroys it with the stick]Geoff: Yes!Adult Adam: [voiceover] But he destroyed that melon, and every other challenge. [The scene cuts to them outside at the market]Barry: Slushie chug. No mere mortal can ingest an extra-large...Matt: Done! Aah! My head! But worth it!Geoff: Dang!Andy: He's unstoppable!"Naked" Rob: He's immortal.Barry: Riddles and trivia. A body is found in a locked room...Matt: Is the weapon as ice knife?Barry: Damn it!! Next category, busting balls. Came up with three insults for how short Andy is.Andy: Oh. No, we don't have to do...Barry: Go!Matt: Andy's so tiny, he uses a sock as a sleeping bag. When Andy plays mini-golf, it's just called "Golf." Did you hear Andy died? He was bungee-jumping off a curb and the dental floss broke."Naked" Rob: Ohh!Geoff: Ohh!Andy: I feel completely humiliated. This guy's awesome!Barry: Blindfolded Rubik's Cube, which no human can do, which means you'll never be one of us. Go!Geoff: Bro, this isn't in the charter.Barry: The charter is a living document, and, lucky for me, it makes it so he'll never be able to...Matt: [He has finished solving the Rubik's Cube] Done!Barry: What? That's awesome!Matt: Dude! Am I in the JTP?All: JTP!Matt: That means "yes." Cool! So, what are we doing this weekend?Barry: Well, I don't know what you'll be doing, but the O.G. JTP will be seeing the Fat Boys. I'd invite you, but it's sold out.Matt: Why don't we go see the Dead? They're playing at the fairgrounds.Barry: Easy, new guy. The JTP likes their music in rap form or not at all.Andy: Actually, I wouldn't mind switching it up a bit.Barry: Shut up, you tiny, little... Pocket... Man... Face... Damn it, that's hard."Naked" Rob: That's a big thumb-up on the Dead, Matty.Matt: Wait. Barry, don't you own a van? We could turn it into a Dead bus."Naked" Rob: Yes!Andy: For sure! A van-bus!Barry: No! That's our A-Team van we're taking to the Fat Boys! And, like all other JTP decisions, we're putting this concert to a vote. Who wants to see the Fat Boys tomorrow? That's three votes for Fat Bays.Matt: Why do you count as three?Barry: 'Cause don't question it. Now, how many of you want to go see that weird, lame thing I don't want to do? One, two, three... Four?Matt: Grateful Dead, it is. You're gonna love it, JTP.All: [chanting] JTP! JTP! JTP! [chanting continues]Barry: They have four votes. I'll never get to bulldoze my closest friends again! This is a nightmare!Adult Adam: [voiceover] It had been a week, and my mom's little swearing problem had gone from bad to worse.Murray: What'd you say now?Beverly: Nothing.Murray: What, did Erica get another solo?Beverly: No. Adam wrote "Adam hearts Mama" on his Trapper Keeper. I had no choice. He hearts me.Murray: Damn it! I am slowly paying for a trip to the Bahamas that I don't want to take.Beverly: I hate to be that person, but you said "Damn it." That's a buck.Murray: Don't you see what the kids are doing to you? They're using your dirty mouth against you.Adult Adam: [voiceover] It was at that moment that my mom finally realized she was being played.Beverly: Oh, my God! They're fleecing me! It's time to teach them a real lesson. [Murray wiggles his eyebrows]Beverly: I've been thinking, Schmoops. This jar has been so effective at stopping my potty mouth, I figured everyone should have a jar.Erica: I don't know what your angle is here, but I'm gonna have to say... Phbt! Pass.Beverly: Oh, sweetie, such attitude. Luckily, now we have this. [She picks up the jar saying "Baditude Jar" and puts it on the table] Dollar, please.Erica: A "Baditude" jar? That's not a thing.Beverly: Oh, it is. Every time you lip off, it'll cost you a dollar.Erica: Well, that's incredibly stupid!Beverly: [gasps] Baditude! Now it's $2.Adam: Just stop giving them baditude!Erica: I don't know how not to! This isn't fair! What about him?Murray: Don't worry. [He picks up the jar saying "Adam Jar" and puts it on the table] Got you covered.Adam: An "Adam" jar?Murray: You pay up any time you say any weird stuff about space or robits or space robits.Adam: So the Adam jar is just a nerd jar?Murray: Yeah.Adam: That's very hurtful!Murray: Hey, your Robit-Cop movie started this whole mess.Adam: RoboCop isn't a robot. If anything, he's a cyborg, which falls under the umbrella of android, which means I'll put in a dollar.Beverly: See? We're all just using these jars to become better people. By the end, I'll curse less, Erica will be a ray of sunshine, and Adam will be more... Accessible.Adam: But we don't have that kind of money. Unless we have some way for us to steal fractions of a penny off every bank transaction, a la Superman III.Murray: Dollar.Erica: Just stop talking!Adam: I can't! It's like the Nothing in the NeverEnding Story. It can't be stopped!Murray: Dollar.Erica: Just don't speak!Adam: I'm like Indy when he drank the black blood of the Kali. I can't help myself!Murray: Dollar.Beverly: Don't worry. We'll just take money from my swear jar and put it into yours. The proceeds from your jars will go towards a trip to Colonial Williamsburg!Erica: You think you'll beat us? Well, I'll be an utter delight, and Adam won't even be a little bit nerdy.Adam: Yeah! I'll be as cool as the ice planet Hoth.Murray: $5.Erica: Just stop talking!Adult Adam: [voiceover] And so we were forced to avoid being our usual selves. Meanwhile, Pops was watching TV as Barry forced himself to like the Grateful Dead.Barry: [groans] Stupid Grateful Dead. I've been listening to a bass guitar solo for 20 minutes.Pops: That's a lot of bass.Barry: Everyone knows no song can be longer than 10 minutes unless it's The Sugar Hill Gang.Pops: I know what'll make you feel better. What's Happening!!Barry: And I told you... This kid Matt Bradley is trying to take my place as supreme and almighty leader of the JTP.Pops: No, I'm saying What's Happening!!Barry: I'm losing my posse! How are you not getting this?Pops: I get it! I mean... What's Happening!!Barry: I told you what's happening 10 times!Adult Adam: [voiceover] Much like my mom, who tended to swear, this is what Pops usually said.Pops: [in the past] What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening?Barry: Oh! What's Happening!! I love Rerun on these reruns This is a classic. Rerun tries to bootleg a show, and then the Doobie Brothers stop an entire concert when they see Rerun taping them.Pops: Thanks for ruining it.Barry: Wait a minute. He ruined the concert. That's it! I'll record the Dead concert and get caught.Pops: I'm gonna really ask this time... What's happening?Barry: I'll tell you what's happening. I'm gonna make sure the JTP never see a Dead show again.Beverly: Oh, there you are. [She comes to Adam and Erica] Erica, do me a favor and empty the dishwasher.Erica: I would love to do that, Mother.Beverly: So nice of you. Also, clean the gutters.Erica: What?Adam: Hold it together.Erica: Fun... That would be.Adult Adam: [voiceover] My mom was playing us just like we played her, and then she pulled out the big guns.Beverly: I heard there's a new Star Track movie coming out. We should go see it, huh? Go see Star Track?Adam: That is... A title you would say.Beverly: And I heard the best thing about the space movie is this one superhero named Hans Olo.Erica: Run, Adam! Run!Adam: No! I got to say it. His name is Han Solo, not Hans. He's a rogue smuggler, not a Danish shoe cobbler.Erica: You boned us.Adam: Han Solo is from Star Wars, not Star Trek. And it's Trek, by the way, not "Track"!Beverly: Colonial Williamsburg, here we come! Oh, you're gonna look so cute with your [BLEEP] musket.Adam: Aha!Erica: You swore! I knew that she wouldn't last long. So predictable.Beverly: Baditude! Huh! Someone can't keep their [BLEEP] together.Erica: Ha! Who can't keep it together now?Adam: This is more twists and turns than the Battle of Endor!Beverly: Adam jar!Erica: Stop talking, you giant nerd!Beverly: Baditude jar! [chuckles] This is too [BLEEP] easy.Both: Swear jar!Adult Adam: [voiceover] With that, the jar wars were on. Meanwhile, it was all peace and love at the Grateful Dead show.Andy: Dude, this 45-minute song is amazing."Naked" Rob: And everyone's so nice.Geoff: Yeah, especially that one guy that invited me to live with him and those 10 other guys over there on that patch of lawn.Barry: Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we could listen to this concert later? [He opens his jacket revealing the tapes]Matt: What's all that?Barry: Definitely not illegal bootleg equipment that'll allow me to profit after selling them later!Security Guard: Hey, pal, you trying to tape the show?Barry: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh! We're gonna have to go, huh?Security Guard: For sure. Taping section's way over there. You can go down there.Adult Adam: [voiceover] Unfortunately for my brother, he picked the one band chill enough to let you tape them.Matt: Barry, you're the man. You just scored us better seats.Barry: Why? What kind of band allows you to tape their entire concert? This doesn't make any sense.Matt: Dead are a band of the people. Music's for everyone.Barry: They're so nice. Now I hate them even more! They were supposed to kick us out!Geoff: Whoa. So, you wanted to ruin this for us?Barry: I mean, not ruin. I was just..."Naked" Rob: Not cool, bro.Matt: Yeah, man. You're, like, a bad friend to the JTP.All: JTP.Barry: Hey! I started this posse. Without me, there is no JTP. [They realize what Barry said] You didn't say "JTP" back.Andy: Matt is right. You're a selfish friend."Naked" Rob: Yeah, and if that's how you want to run the JTP, then we don't want you in it.Barry: Fine. I don't care. I'll start a better, more badass posse without you.Andy: See you around, Tasty. [Geoff, Andy, "Naked" Rob and Matt sadly leave Barry behind]Adult Adam: [voiceover] Since my brother lost control of the JTP, he decided to assemble a better crew... He hoped.Barry: Okay, welcome to my all-new and improved posse. I'm Big Tasty founder and leader. First order of business, we need a name.Johnny: How about Rush?Barry: How about hush?Johnny: No Rush, no Atkins. [He annoyingly stands up and leaves Barry]Barry: Okay, so, our name has to have "Jenkintown" in it. I was thinking the Jenkintown Awesome Group.Dan: Wait, you want us to be the JAGs?Sergei: [in Russian accent] This is name for unbearable loser, yes? A jag?Pops: Foreign kid's right. I don't want to be a jag.Dan: Also, why is there an old man in our super-cool group?Barry: Every group has a life of the party, and that's Pops. I'm our badass leader, Sergei's the funny one. And, of course, we got our wild card, Naked Dan.Dan: Naked Dan? This is weird. I'm out. [He leaves]Sergei: Is decided. Naked Sergei!Adult Adam: [voiceover] While Barry was realizing what the JTP meant to him, the jar wars had taken on a whole new meaning. [Clock ticks; Adam and Erica stare at their mom]Murray: You know, I never thought I'd say these words, but the silence is making me crazy. Somebody say something!Erica: Uh-uh! If I say anything, we're gonna end up in Colonial Williams-turd.Beverly: Baditude! That's $5. Pay up for comparing our beloved U.S. history to poo-poos. Poo-poos!Murray: All right, enough! I'm putting an end to this once and for all.Beverly: Hey, I only made these other jars 'cause you made me realize that they were playing me.Murray: Of course they were. They're awful. That's part of their charm, just like swearing's part of yours.Beverly: But Adam was right, he learned it from watching me.Murray: You swear because you care. And I wouldn't want to change that.Adam: For sure.Erica: Sadly, he's right.Murray: And I'm not changing. I'm gonna keep calling them morons because they act like morons.Adam: And I can't change the fact saying "Star Track" will always bother me.Erica: And there's, like, zero chance of me changing my crap attitude, 'cause you're all lame.Murray: See? We are who we are. And I love it!Adam: Dad's right.Erica: I feel the same way.Beverly: So, we all agree, no more jar wars.Adam: "Jar wars" sounds like Star Wars! Oh, God, it felt so good to say.Adult Adam: [voiceover] With that, the jar wars came to an end. Meanwhile, my brother was hoping for a new beginning with his friends.Barry: Hey. Can I talk to you guys? [They don't answer]Matt: Come on, guys. Give him a chance.Barry: Thanks, man. I was a jerk, okay? [lifting up his eye mask] Look, the three of you are the first real friends I ever had, and I just didn't want to lose you to someone else and be all alone again."Naked" Rob: Dude.Andy: Dude.Geoff: Dude!Barry: So, to make it up to you, I bought tickets to the next Dead show. [He hands them the tickets] Hoping maybe I can tag along?Matt: Don't look at me. I'm not the leader.Barry: No one is. We're just... The JTP.All: JTP.Matt: Uh, Bar, these tickets are for Fairmount Park. How are we supposed to get there? [The scene cuts to the JTP van]Andy: No way!Geoff: Awesome! This seems like a big move for a band we just got into, but I like it.Andy: Yep. [The Grateful Dead's Touch of Grey plays]Matt: Good to have you back, Big Tasty.Barry: It's good to be back, Matt Bradley. [Barry and Matt agree]Adult Adam: [voiceover] It was official. The JTP had their newest, chillest member, Matt Bradley. And to this very day, he's still my brother's closest, dearest friend. That's what happens when you open your heart and let someone in. [Beverly is busy sorting out these jars just as Adam and Erica arrive with his map]Beverly: What's this?Erica: We mapped out the best route to Williamsburg.Adam: We took all the money from the swear jars and booked a hotel room.Erica: We thought you deserved a trip. And I say that without any attitude.Beverly: [giving them a nice hug] I truly, madly, deeply love you so [BLEEP] much, I can't stand it.Adam: Us too, Mama.Murray: [watches her hugging them] Guess I'm schlepping to Williamsburg. Morons.Adult Adam: [voiceover] 'Cause in the end, no matter what you go through... If you have your friends and family by your side, you will get by.Barry: [singing] I will get by [The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to the Real Matt Bradley"]Adam: Will Matthew Bradley come out as a winner today? [Then the word appears saying "Matt Bradley (The Chill Member of the JTP)" with an arrow pointing at him]Adam: He's got a smile. Or will Barry Goldberg be a winner today? [Then the word also appears saying "Barry Goldberg (Leader of the JTP in his mind)" with an arrow pointing at him]Ren Bans: The cream is then agitated by the motion of the stick, creating thick, rich butter. Ma'am, would you like to give it a try?Erica: I'm good.Adam: [in his space robot outfit] I'm approaching the natives now. They seem to have a leader.Erica: Dude, no! I told you not to do this.Adam: Greetings, Colonial settlers. I have come from the year 2032 to warn you of impending doom.Ren Bans: Everyone disregard. Time travel is not part of the tour.Adam: Not part of the tour! See, I knew you'd say that. Proving that I'm from the future, where robots have taken over and their power source is pure, thick, rich butter!Erica: I'm starting up the Adam jar again. It's for your own good.Adam: One of the female followers is a sad loner with no boyfriend. Baré [4.18]Barry: I give you Baré... Formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.Geoff: I'm a model!Beverly: [sighs]Barry: Next, we got Naked Rob. BaréStyles is the only clothing this nudist will wear."Naked" Rob: It really breathes, bro.Barry: For the tiny man who can live in a shoe, we got Andy Cogan modelling the petite line.Andy: Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you!Barry: And finally, we got Matthew Bradley showing off our sportsedo.Matt: He shoots and scores... With the ladies.Barry: Oww!Pops: Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas. You got to get involved now!Barry: [Inhales sharply]Beverly: [Bleep] me. A Night to Remember [4.19]Lainey: Babe, it really was the perfect night. Thanks so much for not going overboard. It really means the world to me.Barry: Of course. I got to feed the meter. Be right back. [Barry comes to see that man]Barry: Change of plans! You need to get these giant horses out of here.Onna Kone: Where's my 80 bucks, bro?Lainey: Couldn't resist, huh?Barry: Wha... These aren't my alley horses. [to Onna] Yah! Get out!Lainey: Let's ride the horses, Barry.Barry: Awesome! I get the one with the pretty hair. The Dynamic Duo [4.20]Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, my best friend was my grandfather. If there was something awesome to do, I was gonna tackle it with Pops, and that week, that awesome thing would be the most hyped movie of our time... Batman.Adult Adam: [voiceover] It was April 5th, 1980-something. My sister's senior year was cruising right along, until this happened.Erica: Question... What is this garbage?Beverly: Oh, goodie! You got your college interview for Penn State!Erica: Thing is, I didn't schedule it, and I'm not going. Carnegie Mellon is the only school I care about.Beverly: Well, you always need a backup. That's why I always bake two pies, in case Murray eats one while sleepwalking.Erica: Mom, if I don't get into CMU, then I'm just gonna skip college to busk on the street like a true artist.Beverly: So, what am I supposed to tell people? "Oh, there's my daughter, singing next to a hobo who's going pishy on another hobo." Penn State is amazing! That place made your father everything he is today.Murray: Bevy. I lost another hot dog.Beverly: What? Why does this keep happening?Murray: I guess 'cause my, uh, gesturing hand is also my hot-dog-holding hand.Erica: I think my point here is proven.Beverly: Murray, your daughter thinks she's too good to go to her Penn State interview.Murray: Let's get something straight, little missy. Graduating from Penn State is the greatest accomplishment of my life.Erica: Too bad, Dad. I'm going to Carnegie Mellon.Murray: You are going to Penn State. It is cheaper, it's more affordable, and it costs less!Erica: That's the same thing said three different ways!Murray: Well, if it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you.Erica: Okay, fine. I guess I didn't realize how important this was to you. I promise to take my Penn State interview seriously.Adult Adam: [voiceover] By "seriously", my sister meant "intentionally tank" her Penn State interview. Fonzie Scheme [4.21]Adult Adam: [voiceover] As my dad decided his new hobby was saving money, Barry was coming up with a plan to save our butts.Barry: There it is, gentlemen, the answer to all our problems.Adam: Uh, how, exactly?Barry: Easy. We steal Cecil the janitor's golf cart and replace the one we sunk. It's the perfect crime."Naked" Rob: But then Cecil has no cart.Barry: Way ahead of you. We then steal another golf cart from the different country club to replace Cecil's.Geoff: But then wouldn't the second golf course be missing their cart?Barry: Which is why we steal and replace golf carts several times a day for the rest of our natural lives.Matt: Isn't that a Ponzi scheme, bro?Barry: Fonzie has nothing to do with this, Matthew. He drives a motorcycle.Andy: Not a Fonzie scheme, dude, Ponzi. And that's exactly what it is.Barry: Not at all. All we got to do is swipe hundreds, if not thousands, of golf carts to keep our scam alive until we grow old and our children take our place!Geoff: [to Adam] You really need to go to your sister about this.Adam: On my way. [rushing off to see Erica] The Day After the Day After [4.22]Mr Glascott: Okay, everyone, welcome to "The Day After" emergency assembly. First of all, I just want to assure you that everything is gonna be okay.Coach Mellor: It will not be okay! There's nowhere to hid in a nuclear winter!Mr Glascott: Whoa. [chuckles] What Coach means is that there could be a nuclear winter, but it definitely won't happen. Till it does. Does not, because it was just a movie.Coach Mellor: That will, for sure, come true.Mr Glascott: Look, I know a lot of you are scared that the President is gonna snap, push a button, and incinerate us all, but I assure you, it will not happen.Coach Mellor: When it does, I'll be safe and snug in my fallout shelter while the rest of you mutants scrounge for cockroaches. [Mr Glascott looks confused]Coach Mellor: What, you got no argument for that one?Mr Glascott: No, you're right. That movie has shaken me to my core. I have so many regrets.Coach Mellor: You got about a week to fix 'em, Andre.Mr Glascott: Well, let's start with that one right there. My name is not Andre. I only said it was in college to make myself seem more interesting to the ladies.Coach Mellor: Let it out!Mr Glascott: My name is Jonathan! And I love you, Lunch Lady Bernice! Are you out there? [The students look at each other]Mr Glascott: You're probably mashing potatoes. Oh, boy. Okay, this day is a wash.Coach Mellor: Everybody go home and hug your loved ones. [They cheer and applause]Geoff: I know I should be happy to have the day off, but I'm, like, genuinely terrified.Lainey: Me too. I feel so helpless. I never even got to party in Daytona. Jedi Master Adam Skywalker [4.23] [Adam returns back home and sees Barry]Barry: Hey, Ad-Rock! Good news. I wrote another verse to help you get back with Jackie.Adam: Dude, everything's fine with us now. Please don't sing for me.Erica: Just let it happen, or he'll never leave you alone.Barry: [singing] Dear Jackie, I love you like no other But you know who's really awesome? Barry, my brother Black belt in karate, girls think he's a hottie It's like how much can you fit in one body? He's a god on Earth, an academic wiz To be Barry is divine, my words, not his I wish I could do what Big Tasty can But I'm only Adam, forever your manErica, Geoff and Lainey: Girls, I must confessBarry: Barry is my idolErica, Geoff and Lainey: Barry really is the bestBarry: Barry is the bestErica, Geoff and Lainey: To know him, we are blessedBarry: Barry rules the worldErica, Geoff and Lainey: He's a man, he's a man, he's a man Barry is the manBarry: I wrote that song for you, girl. Copyright Big Tasty Records. [drops the microphone and the microphone feedback]Adam: Still a no. Graduation Day [4.24]Adult Adam': [voiceover]'' Ah, going away to college. Back in the day, packing up your life for a fresh start was a sacred ritual for high-school seniors everywhere. And no one was more excited to go away forever than my sister. Category:The Goldbergs seasons