The Idiot Weekly

The Idiot Weekly, a 1958-1962 radio comedy series by Australian Broadcasting Commission. Series 1 The All Australian Leather Rocket Michael: Look at you. Filthy! Your uniform's covered in mud. What kind of a guard do you call yourself? Eccles: I'm a mudguard. Series 2 The French Connection Eccles: HELP! Bobby: There's someone in the sea. Eccles: Who? Bobby: You. Eccles: Help! Bobby: What's the matter? Eccles: The sea is full of water. And me! Eccles: You've saved my life. Bobby: Well, we all make mistakes. Eccles: I know. I've seen your wife. The Prime Minister's Trousers Inspector: What was your last job? Eccles: I was the head gamekeeper to Lord Chatterly. Inspector: Did he give you a reference? Eccles: No, but his wife did! The First Australian into Outer Woy Woy Michael: Please stop these insults or we'll get Mr Limb to tell one of his jokes. Bobby: That's a good idea. There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a... FX: Gunshot Spike: ... dead Australian comic. Minister: Mr Speaker, honourable members. This urgent telegram dated 1901 has just arrived from Canberra. Eccles: Where's Canberra? Minister: Somebody tell Mr Menzies where it is. The Australian Flag Michael: This story concerns the story of the Australian Secret Service who through their gallant efforts put three years on the war. Announcer: So Lieutenant Eccles, Idiot and BAR, is unaware that a female German spy has tunneled up through the floorboard of the airship and is now in the main lounge. At the moment I am hanging on an ABC rope ladder under the floor. I will now thrust the microphone up so that you can hear the next scene. Eccles: Ooowww! Mind what you do with that thing! Announcer: Bobby Limb has volunteered to be parachuted into France, on the one condition that he gets more lines to say in the show. Michael: Sergeant, arrest those old uniforms and have them reduced to the rank of underwear! Series 3 The Ashes Lord Thud: My lords, I have news that is six feet deep. Lord: That sounds like grave news. Lord Thud: At 4.30 this afternoon as the crow files, on Lords cricket ground, Australia won the Ashes. Omnes: Cries and groans. Lord Thud: And worse still, there were women and children present! The Spon Plague Newsreader: ...three dead and fourteen grievously injured. That concludes the rugby results for New South Wales. And now here is the news of the Spon. The theory has been advanced that a possible cure for the disease is the rare sponberry which grows between 18 Macquarie Street and Africa. Fish Rafferty: We stepped into a world of Eastern wonderment and in the middle of a great marble mosaic floor was a great tunnel. Sheik: That is the other end of the Eastern Suburbs Railway. Fish Rafferty: Where does it lead to? Sheik: Ruin. King's Cross - The East Berlin of Australia Prime Minister of King's Cross: M for Mary, G for Gordon. Premier of New South Wales: Mary Gordon. That's a funny name for a man. Prime Minister: Not in King's Cross. Prime Minister: We want to blow up Federal Parliament. Nigel Fawkes: Right. Now the best time to blow it up is when they're all asleep. Eccles: That's the daytime. John: England, as usual, sent high ranking idiots to help Australia lose the war. The Great Christmas Pudding Announcer: Excuse me, Major. I'm from the ABC. Major: I'm sorry, I don't have any money on me. See old Bob Dyer, he's got a fortune in his mattress. The Last Tram to King Street Bridge Michael: That afternoon, the Prime Minister read this urgent signal to Parliament. Prime Minister: Gentlemen, British troopers have defeated Chips Rafferty at the Eureka Stockade. The Flying Dustman of the Outback Harry: At first nobody noticed it. Then one day, me and the missus had a letter from a friend. Gladys: "Dear Harry and Gladys. No offence, but when the wind's in our direction we can't stand the smell of your dustbins." Harry: I didn't think they smell much. Gladys: They must do. This letter's from New Zealand. Captain Eisdell, RAN: Pull up the mainsail, put all top missen sails out and the spinnaker sail aft. Eccles: Won't it be difficult? Eisdell: Why, damn you? Eccles: It's a steam ship. External links category:Radio shows