Mystery Science Theater 3000/Season 3

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 Cave Dwellers Cave Dwellers (movie) [The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe] Crow: How much Keefe is in this movie? Servo: Oh, Miles O' Keefe! Ator: Man's destiny is predetermined. Joel: Oh, he's a Calvinist! [Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.] Servo [as one of the villains]: You idiot, we don't even have a doe license! [Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.] Joel [as Mila]: Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw. Servo [as Mila]: What would MacGyver do? [The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.] Narrator: After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men. Servo: Oh, you mean the '80s. [In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.] Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before. [Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.] Crow: Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"! Servo: Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point! [Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.] Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie. [The camera pans over a group of snakes, which suddenly make highly non-snake-like growling noises.] Servo: ...what? [Another pan over snakes, another set of growling noises.] Servo: Uh... folks, we have snakes growling here... [Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.] Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all! Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour. . . . Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator! [Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.] Servo: Oh, come on. Crow: What the…?! Servo: [laughs] Joel: Terrific. [childlike voice] I'm the luckiest boy in the world! I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God! Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? […] learned aerodynamics… [Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.] Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there. Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb. [Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.] Joel: Oh, he's landing in the outback now. [The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.] Crow: Uh— huh? Joel: How'd he do that? Servo [as Ator]: How'd I do that? [Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.] Joel: Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now. Crow: Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts. Gamera Gamera (movie) [Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.] Crow [as Gamera]: Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables! [as Kenny uncovers a pile of rocks] Crow: Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound. Servo: [defensive] Shut up! It's not funny. [Scoffs] Kenny: [looking for his turtle] You there? Servo: [beginning to get a little sad] Oh Tibby... Kenny: Tibby? Crow: ...or not Tibby. Servo: It's not- Stop it! Shut up! Kenny: Tibby! Crow [as Kenny]: Tibby! Tibby! SQUISH! Aww, Tibby! Servo: [getting more emotional] That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop! Kenny: Tibby??? Tibby! Joel: What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom. Servo: [gets up and begins to walk away] I'm leaving! I ha- [sobbing] I can't take this, this is terrible! Joel: Come on back, come on. Servo: [returning to his seat] Will you stop with the jokes? Joel: Yeah. [As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.] Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! Joel [as Dr. Murase]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! Dr. Murase: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. General: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. Servo [as Murase]: Because Kenny said so. [A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.] Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers... Crow [as Newsman]: ... and Kenny... Dr. Murase: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. Servo: More Gamera movies? [Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.] Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about. [as Gamera is lured to the missile, trapped in a large capsule, and launched into space] Servo: Uhh... Crow: Hey, Joel, remind you of anything? Joel: [rips Crow's arm off and hits him with it] Yeah, it reminds me of this! Crow: Ah! Hey! Cut it out. Crow and Servo: [singing] In the not too distant future- [Joel hits Servo with the arm and throws it away] Crow: Ha ha! Servo: You could get sued for that kind of thing. Joel: I'm gonna sue you for using that song. Pod People [Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the public domain karaoke machine] Dr. Forrester: Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner? TV's Frank: People vomit? Dr. Forrester: Your movie today is Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting! (Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly) Joel: I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works! Servo: I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams) . . . Joel: Oh, we've got commercial sign!! Pod People (movie) [The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.] Crow: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing course. [One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.] Hunter #1: What the hell is that? Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear! Crow: A pear? [a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick] Crow: Oh, what is he, an L.A. Cop? [The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.] Rick: It stinks! The movie was filmed in Spain, where the okay sign is given to indicate something is worthless, or zero. [The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.] Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell. Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em? Joel [as Adman]: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves. Crow: And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan? [The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.] Servo: Syntho-birds. Crow: Hey, it's a Casio forest. Joel: They parked next to a data stream. [Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.] Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton! Tommy: You know what "play" means, Trumpy? Crow [as Trumpy]: Yes, it's where I break you in half. [Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.] Tommy: You see? The pieces go together. Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky. [With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.] Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope. . . . Tommy: You can do magic things! [Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.] Crow [as Trumpy]: It's called "evil", kid. Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm? Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes. Crow: Orphan Annie eyes. [The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.] Crow [as Molly]: Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer. Servo: Meanwhile, in another movie? [sighs] Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT! Tommy's mother: Tommy, can you hear me? Joel [as Tommy's mother]: Can you feel me near you? [Servo narrates over the movie's cheesy synthesizer soundtrack:] Servo: Tonight on Music from The Hearts of Space, we'll go on a cosmic joyride with some space music by various bay area artists. [Later:] Servo: First up on Hearts of Space, John Tesh with Whispering Firestorm. Then it's Yanni with SnoreMaster of Trafalgamar. Then comes bay area musician DelMondo with his Sominex Suite in B-flat. Then a synthesized interplanetary salute to Perry Como. At the end of the hour, we'll have information about the types of sedatives used by tonight's artists, on Music... from... The Hearts... of Space. Gamera vs. Barugon Gamera vs. Barugon (movie) [A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.] Servo: Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting. Stranded in Space Stranded in Space (movie) Time of the Apes Gypsy: I thought I told you kids not to play ball in the house! Time of the Apes (movie) [As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.] Crow [as Caroline]: My piece of wood! It died so that we might live. [An Ape military officer gathers the troops.] Crow [as Officer]: About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap! Caroline: Catherine, I'm scared! Catherine: Don't worry, we're with you. Crow: We're doomed, but with you. Crow: C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot! [Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers] Catherine: Hurry, this way! Crow: Oh, like you know where you're going! [Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously] Servo: AAAH! The tree's having a seizure! Daddy-O Dr. Forrester: [offscreen, towards Frank while the button to end the experiment is broken] Frank, what are you doing? TV's Frank: I was just getting a- uh, piece of water. Dr. Forrester: A piece of water? TV's Frank: I mean a glass of- cake... I mean- Dr. Forrester: Come here. [drags Frank over to the button by the ear and forces him to hold the button down; the credits start only to cut back to Deep 13, with the two working on the computer board] Well that's it, Frank; we're licked. TV's Frank: Dr. Forrester, I've known you to be many things, but not a quitter. Are you going to give up? Live, damn it; LIVE! Dr. Forrester: Oh, I remember now; alt function seven. [presses an alternate button and the credits finally roll properly] Alphabet Antics (short) [The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.] Crow: Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people. [The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.] Servo: D is for damned, as in "Village Of". . . . Crow [as dancing boy/Hitler]: You vill dance with me, Eva! [The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.] Servo [as giraffe]: I want a Clark bar. [The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.] Joel: I is for Ike. He hides inside. [L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large balloon in the shape of an ice cream cone is seen] Joel: Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone. . . . [Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.] Joel: And there's Elvis now. . . . [The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.] Servo: [before the narrator can talk] N is for float... huh? [A balloon of a panda bear is shown.] Servo: Ah, and there's Louie Anderson. Narrator: O is for once... Servo: "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike? . . . [The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.] Servo: O is for the obscene treatment of animals. . . . Joel: P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this. Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! Joel [as Narrator]: P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash! The narrator's line is lifted from The Pelican, a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash. [The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.] Crow: Hey, these are all boys! . . . Joel: Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall! Servo: U is for upchuck that comes from below. [imiates vomiting] Narrator: X is for Xmas... Servo: X is for existential dilemma. Servo: Yeah, well, Y is for Yanni, as far as I'm concerned. [During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.] Joel: Y is the chemical symbol for heavy metals that the fish is full of! [As the film ends] Crow [as Narrator]: I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness. Daddy-O (movie) [Upon seeing the title of the movie] Crow: Daddy-O! Servo: Must be Harry O's father. Or Wendy O.'s dad. [Hefty villain Sidney Chillas follows Sonny out of the bar.] Crow [as Chillas]: Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane! [Chillas is able to catch up with and run Sonny's car off the road.] Crow [as Chillas]: You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor. [Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".] Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls! [Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.] Phil: What's this? Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter. [As a couple of drug dealers are beating up Phil for information] Man in Hat: Anything new to tell me? Servo [as Phil]: [straining] Rosebud, was a sled. Gamera vs. Gaos Gamera vs. Gaos (movie) [During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.] Crow: Oh, bless you. [Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.] Crow: [startled] Was he mooing? Photographer: [trying to get Eiichi's attention] Hey, Boy! Boy! Joel: Crazy Boy! [Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.] Crow: Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press. The Amazing Colossal Man The Amazing Colossal Man (movie) [Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the Bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.] Servo: [in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it! Crow: [in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it. Joel: Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish. Glenn: All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore. Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid. Glenn: I don't want to grow anymore! Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid! [Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.] Servo: Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site! Crow: Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield. Fugitive Alien [In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.] Jack Perkins: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old. Fugitive Alien (movie) [during the title sequence] Crow: Sandy Frank presents our own personal hell! Servo: Indeed. Joel: Who is that guy? [as the film opens with an invasion fleet over a planet] Crow: Oh man, cool, this is just like episode 38 of Star Trek, the first season, but it doesn't have that same kind of- Servo: No no no, it's like the star raider the Daleks had in the fifth generation of the Doctor Who, when they had the three Doctors together, and they had the one that looked like Mo- Crow: No, it's definitely like a Klingon! Joel: Okay, that's good... [as the fleet attacks a city] Crow: Oh, this is super cool, like that first episode of Battlestar Galactica when they have to leave the planet, and Jane Seymour got stabbed in the back! Servo: No no no, it's like Invasion Earth- it's like Invasion Earth and they'll be like Zola babies when the fast source ships come in and they- Crow: Nuh-uh! [as a big list of writers are appears] Crow: Why do they need so many writers? Servo: Well, they needed one guy for the verbs, one guy for the nouns, some guys for the adjectives, you know, adverbs... [as Ken flips through the air during the beginning attack] Joel: Oh, it's an intriguing mix of genocide and modern dance. Crow: Hey, you're starting to sound like Jack Perkins, Joel. [as Ken flees, after accidentally killing his own soldier] Crow: Just like that episode, where it was like the Nazi world on Star Trek. Servo: No no no, it was like Doctor Who, when Tom Baker was the Doctor- I think he was the Fifth Doctor, and he was trying to save Neela from the Clite Masters. Joel: That's enough. Crow: No, 'cause I saw it at a math tournament. Servo: No, I saw- I saw it in the Who Festival. They had 12 hours... Ken: I don't wanna die in the middle of nowhere! Joel [as Ken]: I wanna die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret! [as Ken is rescued by the crew of the Bacchus 3] Servo: Oh, I remember this. This is just like in Marooned, when David Janssen goes to save Gene Hackman and James Franciscus in the derelict spaceship before the Soviet- the- the- the Soviet... Crow: Yeah, that's pretty cool. Servo: Yeah, and the Soviet satellite comes up and... Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] This is the song written for the train chase. This is the chase, Rocky and Ken! He tried to kill me with a forklift… Olé! Ken: There's the ship... but how do I get aboard? Servo: Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board! Captain Joe: Rocky, how often do I have to tell you, you should stop reading those science fiction novels? Crow [as Rocky]: [defensively] THEY'RE COMIC BOOKS! [as the crew of Bacchus 3 discusses what to do about Ken, while Captain Joe drinks from a flask] Rocky: Captain, anyone can make a mistake, just as long as you don't keep on repeating it. I think we should get rid of Ken. Crow [as Joe]: Which one? Tammy: I disagree. Have you already forgotten? Ken saved our lives! I think he deserves another chance. Don't you agree? Rocky: Okay. Joel: Man of firm convictions... Rocky: I guess you're right. I'll take him back on one condition... Joel [as Rocky]: You stop drinking, and start going to meetings. It Conquered the World Snow Thrills (short) [Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.] Servo: Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay. [The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".] Narrator: ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us! Joel: Yeah, well, you're full of skit. . . . [A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."] Tom: Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs. It Conquered the World (movie) [Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.] Paul Nelson: I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying. Servo [as Tom Anderson]: Then gimme back my cocktail. Tom Anderson: It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me. Crow [as Tom Anderson]: Bitter? Oh, a tad. . . . [As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.] Joan Nelson: A personal friend of yours? Servo [as Joan]: Name dropper! Claire Anderson: [sarcastically] Real chums. Tom Anderson: The days when people made fun of me are over, girl. Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]: You will bow down before me! [Paul Nelson (Peter Graves) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.] Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself. Gamera vs. Guiron [From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…] Joel, Crow, Servo: Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! Gamera vs. Guiron (movie) [The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.] Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT! [during a scene with very poor dubbing] Dr. Shiga: There's no... Servo [as Dr. Shiga]: Business like... show business. Dr. Shiga: ... air or water on the moon... so no living thing inhabits it. As you know for sure. Servo: Uh-huh. Dr. Shiga: And... Joel and Servo: Yeah? Uh-huh? Dr. Shiga: ... there are... Servo: Go on. Joel: We're waiting. Go on. Dr. Shiga: ... no rivers on Mars. Servo: Oh. Crow: Yes. Dr. Shiga: And on Venus... Joel: Yeah? Dr. Shiga: ... it has several hundred degrees centigrade. Joel: We're waiting. Servo: It does. Dr. Shiga: And... Servo: Yes? Joel: Go on? Dr. Shiga: ... the surface of... Jupiter is covered with... Servo: [getting annoyed] SUM. UP. Dr. Shiga: ... frozen ammonia. Joel: You got a little uh... Dr. Shiga: Saturn... is also... Joel: Mhmm? Dr. Shiga: ...the same. Servo: Get on with it! Servo: [singing along to the film's score] Let's watch the kids go to their fates / They'll disappear into the woods / It will be days before they're found / Cornjob will be blamed. Crow: [singing] Why must we sing this stupid song? / It's getting really a-nnoying / We apologize for its le-ength... Servo, Crow, and Joel: We are filled with shame. Servo: Ta-da! Joel: [singing] Now back to our show. Servo: Sorry. [An establishing shot of Gaos] Joel: Here comes old flattop... Servo: [whispering] Don't! George Harrison will sue you! Joel: Oops, sorry! [during the battle between Gaos and Guiron; Gaos attempts to use a beam attack, which Guiron deflects back to Gaos' leg, dismembering Gaos] Crow: He's got a leg up on him now. [Joel and Servo groan] Servo: Crow! Crow: I know. ... [Guiron leaps up at Gaos while they are in flight, slicing off one of Gaos' wings, causing them to crash] Crow: Hi-keeba! I'd give my right arm to beat that guy. Servo: D'oh! Crow: He's flying on a limb and a prayer, you might say. Servo: Grrr! Crow: He's going out on a limb! He's winging it! Servo: Do something, Joel! Do something! [Joel begins shaking Crow, threatening to tear an arm off while he laughs] Joel: I'm just gonna leave that there... Servo: [watching Gaos' wings twitch] Hey look, buffalo wings, guys- [realizes] Don't hurt me. ... [Guiron decapitates Gaos] Crow: Quit while you're ahead! [Servo groans and Joel shakes Crow some more] Crow: I'm sorry, I'm sorry- ahhh! Akio: [as he and Tom meet the two space-girls] Please tell me, what star are we on? Joel [as Akio]: What's the drinking age? Servo: [whispering] It's a planet. Tom: How far are we from the Earth? Space Girl: We call this star, Terra... Servo: [whispering] It's a planet! Space Girl: It's on the opposite side of the Earth where you are living. Exactly like the Earth with the sun between, same size and moving like the Earth. Akio: So you mean to tell us that it's like a twin star, then? Servo: [getting annoyed] It's a PLANET. Tom: I wondered if there was such a star. Servo: It's a PLANET!!! [The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.] Joel [as Space Girl]: Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts. [Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved] Akio: Hey, what happened to my hair? Tom: The space aliens did it, they're cannibals! Joel [as Akio]: They ate my hair? [this particular joke was improvised by Josh's Servo in the original KTMA episode] Tomoko: Akio and Tom went on a spaceship, mother! Akio's Mother: Don't tell me such a silly story like Akio and Tom. Tomoko: It's true! We found a spaceship near the river, and they went inside. It lit up suddenly, and- Akio's Mother: I see. Akio's up to something again. Joel [as Akio's Mother]: No more sugar for you. Tomoko: Please tell me something. Don't you believe in spaceships, and spacemen, you know? Akio's Mother: No I don't. Tomoko: But, the paper said a lot of people saw flying saucers. Don't you know it? Akio's Mother: They are all made up stories! Tomoko: But mother- Crow [as Akio's Mother]: I'm not your mother! Akio's Mother: Stop it! Study, or you cannot enter a good school. Servo [as Akio's Mother]: Mommy's just... mad 'cause she doesn't know... phonics. Crow [as Tomoko]: I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break up The Beatles! [At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.] Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! [Tom's Mother drives up to Aiko's home] Tom's Mother: Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom. Crow: It's Vanessa Redgrave! [Aiko's mother approaches] Aiko's Mother: Hello Elsa... Servo: Hello, Inga. Tom's Mother: Hello, thank you. Joel: Hello! Tom's Mother: ...thank you again. Servo: Hello. Crow: Thank you. Joel: Hello. Aiko's Mother: ...sorry to say, but Tom went out with Aiko and hasn't returned. Joel: Thank you. Tom's Mother: I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it? Crow: Hello. Aiko's Mother: No, and there's no use to ask her... [shot of Tomoko on the balcony] Servo [as Tomoko]: I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me! Tom's Mother: ...you said space? Aiko's Mother: Yeah. Joel: Hello! Aiko's Mother: ...much longer. Servo, Crow, and Joel: Thank you! Aiko's Mother: So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up. Servo: Hahahaha... Servo, Crow, and Joel: Hello! Crow: That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you! Joel: Hello. Crow: Thank you. Aiko's Mother: ...much longer. Tom's Mother: Thank you. If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay. Joel: Thank you. Servo [as Tom's Mother]: I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you! Aiko's Mother: ...please drop in for tea. Crow: Hello. Tom's Mother: Thanks, but I'm in a hurry. Aiko's Mother: I see... Servo: Thank you. Crow: Bye. Joel: Hello, and thank you! [Tom's mother gets in her car] Crow: Thank you for going. Joel: Hello. Servo [as Tom's Mother]: Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Thank you, hello! [As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat] Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]: Shut up and keep driving! And thank you! Tomoko: Hello! Servo: [laughing] Hello! [After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.] Tomoko: Kon-chan? Officer Kondo: Heh? What? Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand! [As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.] Joel [as Tomoko]: I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! Earth vs. the Spider [Joel mentions KISS] Crow: [sighs] Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool! Speech: Using Your Voice (short) Professor Bueller: Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale... Crow [as Bueller]: ...or an arm... [Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".] Professor Bueller: Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing. Servo [as Bueller]: Oh, and you must have a wire rack. Professor Bueller: Do you know... Crow [as Bueller]: ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do. [Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do] Man #1: Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well... Crow [as Man #1]: Uh... er... panties! [After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"] Bueller: Now, let's look at another typical example. [Cut to a young woman giving a speech.] Crow [as Bueller]: This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing. [Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.] Man #2: Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when... Crow [as Man #2]: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'... Man #2: I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and... Servo: Ah, Garrison Keillor. Professor Bueller: Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do... Joel [as Bueller]: ...will wish he were dead. Earth vs. the Spider (movie) Carol Flynn: I know something's happened to him. Mike Simpson: Sure it did. Maybe he ran out of gas, he'd never meet anybody on this road... hold everything, what do you call that? Servo [as Carol]: Oh, that's just a dead fa- a DEAD FATHER??? Oh nooo! [Sobbing] Crow [as Carol]: Oh my God! [Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.] Joel: No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him! Servo: Wow. Crow [as Dr. Erhardt]: Enjoy! The only mention of former 'Mad' Dr. Laurence Erhardt after his departure. [The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.] Crow: It's Rose Kennedy! [as a scene opens outside a movie theater, featuring a familiar movie poster] Crow: Hey! "What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?" Servo: Cool! Mike's Father: Mike, you're wanted on the phone. Crow [as Mike's Father]: And get my shirts from the laundry. [Mike goes inside] Joel [as Mike]: Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool! [Mike walks into a room with multiple photos featuring shots of various films from Bert I. Gordon] Servo: ... everywhere... oh Bert... Mike: Hello? Carol: Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet. Crow [as Arnold Schwarzenegger]: I lied. Mike: You don't mean right now, do you? Carol: If you can get away. Please Mike? Mike: Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. Something about puppet people. Sounds pretty wild. Joel: Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon... Carol: Please? Mike: Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again. Carol: Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there. Mike: Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes. Carol: I'll be waiting. [Mike runs outside] Mike: I'll see you dad, I got a date now! Mike's Father: Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you? Servo [as Mike's Father]: Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie? Mighty Jack Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to "Blow the Man Down"] Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down Way hey, slow the plot down! We'll scuttle the story and run her aground. We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Mighty Jack (movie) [One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .] Joel: Sex cameraman? Is this a– Servo: No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel. Teenage Caveman [it's raining outside of the Satellite and the crew is bored] Magic Voice: Why don't you boys play Hungry Hungry Hippoes? Joel: Oh; we lost all the marbles. Servo: Hey, Magic Voice; don't suppose you know where our Mouse Trap game is, do you? Magic Voice: I didn't play with it last. Crow: [sighs] The pieces are missing anyway. . . . Magic Voice: Well, why don't you read a book? Joel: [as he and the Bots scoff and protest] Oh, gag me... no way! Magic Voice: Well, I don't know what you're going to do then. It's Commercial Sign in five seconds. Joel: Maybe we could play some poker. Gypsy: Poker? What's poker? Magic Voice: [as Joel and the Bots agree on the poker idea] You boys be nice to Gypsy. . . . Joel: [helping instruct Gypsy through the game, whispering] Gypsy, just tell 'em what you want to do and keep your poker face on. Gypsy: [I'm] in! Crow: Let's see, what to do... Gypsy: [cheerfully] Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! Crow: [disgusted, after seeing Gypsy's hand] Oh, I fold! Joel: [disappointed] Aw, Gypsy, you wrecked it; you had a great hand! [Dr. Forrester and Frank argue over who gets to present their invention] Dr. Forrester: I've just about had enough [out] of you; smart boy. TV's Frank: [defiantly, pulling out a switch-knife] Oh yeah?! I'm gonna cut you, man. I'm gonna cut ya! I'll carve you a second smile, daddy-o! Dr. Forrester: I don't think so! [the argument starts devolving into conflicting screaming at each other] Servo: [up on the Satellite] What in the sam scratch is goin' on down there? Joel: I dunno, but I don't like it; not one bit. Aquatic Wizards (short) Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken — never jumped at all. Crow [as Announcer]: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah! [Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.] Servo: Forget about life-jackets, this is The 50's! Servo: [singing over footage of young women water-skiing] Gee, I hope I'm skating pretty Gee, I hope I get a boyfriend Gee, I hope I don't get acne I'm having so much fun now! Announcer: This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water. Crow: This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur! Servo [as Anouncer]: Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why???.... Catching Trouble (short) [Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.] Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz! Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs. Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk! Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film A Night at the Opera. Crow: [imitating Emo Phillips after Joel points out how Ross's guide resembles him] I was wondering if we could go into the woods, and maybe we could see some am-i-nals. [Ross finds wild bobcat tracks and begins to follow the trail] Joel: [as Ross/Reg Presley] Wildcat, I think I love you, but I wanna know for sure.[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]Ted Husing: Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago? Servo [as Husing]: For voting twice? Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. Crow [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race![Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? Joel: Hurting the people you know and love? Crow: Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? Crow: [watching Ross drag a bear cub forcibly out of a tree] Joel, do they really do this on Earth? Servo: Isn't this wrong? Joel: Yeah guys; I'm deeply ashamed of my race right now. Servo: Deservedly so! [...] There's nothing like imposing your dominance over a bunch of helpless creatures, is there, Ross? Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or... Crow: ...or call PETA![Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]Joel: What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys? Joel: [as Ross in the ensuing host segment while a rubber rattlesnake is stuck inside a bag alongside a figure of Ross] Not the giant rattler! Please; I can't do that! He hates me; we went to camp together! Servo: [in closing during the ensuing host segment] If you enjoy catching trouble in any way, there's something wrong with you! Joel: Any questions? Teenage Caveman (movie) Narrator: In the beginning, there was chaos... Servo [as Narrator]: Run by Bernie Kopell.[a flash of light appears]Crow: Oh, and then God showed up. Narrator: And a voice said, "Let there be light." Joel: Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these. Narrator: And the dark was separated from the light. Servo [as Narrator]: And permanent press was separated from cottons. Narrator: There was created, the waters and the land. Crow [as Narrator]: And Charlton Heston. ConTel. Narrator: And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit. Servo: Frogs. Joel: Oh, this is Fantasia before they colorized it. Narrator: [lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen] The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied. Crow: They all look like Orphan Annie. Narrator: And then there came... man. Crow [as Narrator]: To screw the whole thing up! Servo and Joel: Hey! Crow: Well, what about Ross?[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]Crow: How green was my valley? Joel: Not very.[The Symbol Maker's teenage son (Robert Vaughn) argues with his father over their choice in hunting grounds]Symbol Maker's Son: Why do we hunt in a place where there are dead trees and only a few animals to give to the fire, when there's plenty there? [footage of a field and lake with a swimming brontosaurus is shown]Crow: Why am I thinking about gas stations? Symbol Maker: [Land like that] promises a lot, but gives only a place to die. Servo: Oh, like Hollywood! Symbol Maker: There are shadows there deep and cold and dirt that eats men. Crow: [as Symbol Maker] And kids that eat paste! Joel: This script is like a telephone directory! Crow: But not as interesting. Crow: [of the Symbol Maker's son early on] Caveman Without a Cause![the Symbol Maker's son is talking with a Blonde Maiden (played by Darah Marshall) about setting out on his own]Symbol Maker's Son: ...So I wonder- how many strange things there are, beyond the river. Even beyond the Green Place. Joel: [as Blonde Maiden] He's been to Paradise, but he's never been to me. Blonde Maiden: If you break the Law again, the people will give you death! Servo: [as Symbol Maker's Son] I prefer liberty.[a pack of hunters led by the Symbol Maker and his son have killed the fabled monster that lurks through the lands, and discover its true identity]Crow: [the monster's mask is lifted, revealing an old man] Whoa; he's looked better. Servo: Beach Dickerson! Symbol Maker's Son: A man- a different kind of man. One came from the mountains and some were here. Joel: He's been in the mountains for too long, dressed up in a goofy costume.[The Symbol Maker's son removes something from the monster's corpse, finding a photobook of sorts]Servo: Wait; what's this? It's a vintage contemporary! Symbol Maker: [as the pack looks through the photographs inside with confusion and awe] I have no memory of these [symbols] in my mind, and these were made in a way unknown to me. Servo: Yeah; the photo map. Symbol Maker's Son: [stopping at a page regarding atomic warfare] Someday these must be known. It is a thing of wonder. Crow: Yeah; I wonder when the film's gonna end.[narration from the man who was the proclaimed "Monster That Gives Death With Its Touch" begins as the film concludes]Narrator: I and a party of 23 others were on a scientific expedition when the bombs began to fall.Servo: Oh, message- message coming in! I bet it's from Beach Dickerson. Narrator: Its raw power was unleashed all over the world; retaliation added to retaliation until all traces of man's had been wiped from the face of the Earth. Some that survived the blast grew huge beyond all reason and formed as the dinosaurs of prehistory. Or some took on new forms altogether- mad in shape and purpose.Crow: They became stock footage! Narrator: My comrades and I- half-protected by our radiation suits- found ourselves given an age far beyond the span allowed. Out of all the sprawling millions of the Earth, a handful escaped all harm through either fortune or design. After the nuclear holocaust, the wisest of them set out a long list of tablets. The laws are in the form of a religion now; it's strange to see them living the lives of Cro-Magnon man...Servo: Cro-Magnon P.I.! Narrator: On occasion we tried to contact them, but they feared us; and our radiation killed those who came too close. And now... only I'm left, and the radiation has worn away these long, long years...Joel: So you know it's okay. Narrator: [over a shot of the Symbol Maker's son] ...Now a new one thinks and wonders about the truth of the law- a man who will dare to try again. I am very lonely...Crow: [as man] In fact, I'm dead! Servo: Dead tired. Narrator: This happened a long time ago, and as you know men did meet other men and fire smelted metal and made explosives. The wheel turned machines and made gun barrels; the towers were built and flattened. How many times will it happen again, and if it does... will any at all survive the next time?Servo: Doubtful. Narrator: Or will it be... THE END? Gamera vs. Zigra Gamera vs. Zigra (movie) The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent Joel: [singing] W is for the many ways that you're served Crow: [singing] A is for the admiration you deserve Gypsy: [singing] F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun! Servo: [singing] And F is for the flavor that is second to none! Joel: [singing] L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth! Joe, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] E is for eggs--Oh Baby! Tom: Triple time! Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love-- Gypsy: Send me up another please! Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Oh, waffles we love-- Servo: Top mine off with runny cheese! Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Waffles we love-- Crow: Chili waffles suit me fine! Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Waffles we love-- Joel: Wash me down with Aunt Jemima? Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy: [singing] Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu![Joel walks in carrying a plate of waffles; with only one thing to say]Joel: ...Waffles. [Movie Sign blares] Oh; we've got Movie Sign! Servo: Boy, I'm full; I ate too much! I'm starting to think the world would be a better place without waffles. Crow: [appears dressed in a waffle costume] No waffles? Servo: Ah, who are you? Crow: Why I'm Willie the Waffle; the wonderful, whimsical wisecracking waffle! Can I ask you one thing? Servo: Sure. Crow: [suddenly shouting] Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of 'em named Chad? Joel: [as "Chad"] Hi, welcome to Jojo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is waffles in game sauce. We also have- Crow: [as Willie] Sorry, Chad; we're gonna have to lay you off. No waffles! [makes whistling noise] Little League baseball would also be impossible without waffles! Joel: [as young boy] Mom, Little League practice is in an hour! Can I have some waffles? Crow: [as Willie/Mom] Sorry, son; no waffles! [makes whistling noise] The Home Economics Story (short) [An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]Joel: Iowa State College: The high school after high school! Servo [singing]: If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]Joel [as Principal]: Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.Crow [as Principal]: Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well. Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.[The camera moves to a close-up, showing the woman has significant jowls.]Crow [as Matronly Woman]: I took several heavy blows to the cheeks with a lead pipe![Kay is discussing college with her family.]Servo: She consulted Robert McNamara. Joel: And Ayn Rand![As Kay sends her application letter.]Narrator: She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box. Crow: (chuckles maniacly) Joel: Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here.[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]Servo [as Kay]: It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself! Joel: It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner![Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]Crow [as Jean]: [in a Curly Howard voice] Hi! Howya doin'? We're gonna have a great time! We're gonna be pals![At a costume design class]Crow: Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?[A football game is starting.]Servo: Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next. Joel [as audience member]: Play "Whipping Post"![A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]Crow: [in marching cadence] I'm a Q-tip, what are you![During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay![Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]Servo: Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade. Narrator: ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question. Joel [as Kay]: How do Pop-Tarts work? Kay: What are you doing to major in, Helen? . . . Louise: What are you going to take, Jean? Joel [as Jean]: I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got! . . . Kay: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach. Joel [as Kay]: Because I can't do.[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]Joel [as little girl]: ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?![Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]Joel [as announcer] Home Economics, starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. Voice Over: What is "Home Economics"? Crow: Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now...[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]Joel: Hey, it's Abbey Road. Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]: Here we come, walking down the street... Servo [singing]: It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]Narrator: Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all. Servo: And to re-enact the last scene from Anna Karenina. The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (movie) Star Force: Fugitive Alien II Joel: TOM SERVO! OH MY GOD! TOM SERVO'S DEAD! He's dying! It must've been that movie! Oh man! We're losing him! Crow [imitating William Shatner]: A robot watches a bad film, It renders him unconscious, Next on Emergency 911-- [gets slapped in the beak]Joel: Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me! It means the life of our friend, Tom Servo! Crow [on Shatner mode]: But I must finish Tek-Wars of Venusia... must direct Star Trek 9: The Search For Spock's Intelligence! [breaking character] Hooker's a good cop! Whoa! He's a good-- [gets slapped in the beak again]Joel: Crow, you listen to me and you listen good, I need you to snap out of Shatner. I need you here, now, our friend's life hangs in the balance! Crow: [sobs] I'm sorry Joel, I didn't know... Servo: New from the Star Force line of action figures, it's Captain Joe, the boozy, brawling, bloated Bacchus III commander from the beloved Fugitive Alien series! Crow: Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately. Servo: Yes, he swaggers, he staggers, and he even talks! Joel [as drunk Joe]: Uh, a fellow would do a lot worse than throwing with the lot of Bacchus 3. Set 'em up, barkeep. Crow: Flask and travel bar not included. Servo: Yes, with your Captain Joe action figure, you'll be in a constant state of excitement while he's in a state of denial. Joel [as drunk Joe]: Uh... I only drink on the weekend... I can drink! Crow Existential void where prohibited. Servo: Sure, he's got a problem, but you don't have to watch him deteriorate! After all, you spent $9.95 for him. Crow: Tax and license not included. Servo: You can have hours of fun as you organize a crisis intervention for Captain Joe. Joel [as Ken]: Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here and watch you deteriorate! Joel [as Barbie]: Captain Joe, when Ken and I had you over to eat, you got drunk on cooking sherry, and made a pass at me, and threw up all over the Malibu Dream House! Joel [as Donatello]: Captain Joe, dude, I loved you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you cowa-bungle your life. Servo: And don't forget, kids, if Captain Joe refuses to deal with the issues, you can always... Joel, Crow, and Servo: [singing] Try to kill him with a forklift! Gypsy: Well, that was fun, but if I could get a little serious for a moment. Well, I was wondering where we'd be without our boys and girls in shiny red pleather. It makes me proud to know that they're out there, somewhere... :[singing] What can you see, Flying some mystic seas, Fighting for you and me, Captain Joe and the Gang When they pass by, Fitter than pumpkin pie, Steppin' in liquid dye, Time in the blue, Star Force: Fugitive Alien II (movie) [as the title appears]Servo: Uh oh, Fugitive Alien II: Electric Boogaloo, the Heretic, Nerds in Paradise, On the Move, Citizens on Patrol! Joel Star Force times two! Two times the action, two times the confusion! Servo: Baboom! Servo: Hey, this music is perky. I'm feeling really good! Crow: Yeah! Hey, this is gonna be fun guys! I'm feeling really- oh who are we kidding, this is a Fugitive Alien sequel, we're in for the two most painful hours of our lives! [Servo begins crying]Joel: Come on, you guys, we gotta be strong. Try not to fall apart. Come on, we've been through too many Sandy Frank films to let him defeat us now. Narrator: A thousand light years away from our solar system lies Valna Star... Servo: [crying] We know... Narrator: ... a mysterious planet with an enriched atmosphere which in part... Crow: Seen it! Servo: Taped it! [cries more][In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus III.]Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey! Joel [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! Narrator: Only one memory of Rita remains: her golden Valnor medallion... Servo [as Narrator]: Which Ken hocked for a pack of cigarettes. Narrator: Ken will never forget her. Joel [as Narrator]: Or the Visa bill she ran up, huh? Captain Joe: Rocky. Crow: Again? Captain Joe: Rocky! Crow: Again?!Servo: That's good, Crow. Colonel Yurulin: Listen to me! I've got something important to tell you! Joel [as Yurulin]: I'm the Unsinkable Molly Brown![Joel and Crow shout in horror as Tom explodes in the theater]Crow: IT'S ALL OVER THE SEAT!!! Joel: Gotta get him outta here! Come on, Crow![They rush out of the theater]Servo: [singing to the film's score] Weee're headed for adventure! We'll leave Tammy behiiind. Weee're gonna pad out the film some more, and you'll fall asleeep- three four- Weee're climbing the sandy hill, like you really caaare... Joel: [starting to get annoyed] That's good... that's plenty. Servo: Sorry. Captain Joe: [waking up after being incapacitated by Rocky] I'll kill that Rocky. Crow: Again? Servo: Oh-hooo, hit him. ... Captain Joe: [calling Rocky] Rocky, can you read me? Crow: Again? Joel: ... stop it. Captain Joe: Rocky! Crow: AGAIN?Joel: [snapping] STOP IT![In a desert, The Bacchus III crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]Crow [as one of the crew]: Hey, corn... HEY CORN?!?[The Bacchus III crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place. Ken: How will we do it? Rocky: Easy. Servo: Wha— wait a minute.[Ken engages Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders, in an aerial dogfight.]Joel: Where have I seen this before? Servo: Oh, I don't know; a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away? Crow: Yeah... Joel: Yep. War of the Colossal Beast [Joel steps in as Crow and Servo are arguing about whether Mr. B Natural was a man or a woman]Joel: Hey hey hey, you guys, take it easy. You're never gonna get anywhere that way; let's just get organized. I'll give you both two minutes to state your case, and then time for a short rebuttal... Okay? Crow, Servo: Okay. Joel: All right. Now, standard debate rules, I will act as arbiter... On my mark, begin, Mr. Crow! Crow: Mr. B Natural was a woman. Of this there can be no doubt. Servo: [leaning in] Not a chance, fat bot! Crow: Hey, c'mon... Joel: [pushes Servo back] Hey hey hey! That's one penalty point for Mr. Servo; Mr. Crow, begin again! Crow: Thank you, commissioner. [clears throat] We are compelled to look on the "mister" moniker as merely a whimsical, contrived characterization in the spirit of Peter Pan, played convincingly by the late Mary Martin. And the late Cathy Rigby. And the late Sandy Duncan. And the late... Joel: Get to the point, Mr. Robot! Crow: The point, sir, is: Breasts. Servo: D'... Huh? Crow: Yes! Mr. B Natural had breasts -- a decidedly un-natural thing for a man to have, don't you think, Mr. Servo?[Servo laughs nervously]Crow: When one takes into account the short jacket, the shiny leotard, the wide hips, unless one is wildly confused as my colleague seems to be, one concludes -- naturally -- that Mr. B Natural is indeed a wonderful, spritely -- albeit annoying -- woman. Joel: Thank you, Mr. T. Robot. Your response, Mr. Servo! Servo: [parody of a posh Ivy League accent] Uh, thank you, Mr. Utley. Um, uh... Ignoring the aromatic contumely held to me by my less than erudite confrère, um, no doubt places a thin veil before a tribulus(?) temperament... uh... Joel: [interrupting] Mr. Servo, I'm warning you: No William F. Buckley impersonations under threat of a point reduction! Servo: [normal voice] Okay, sorry. [clears throat] Mr. B Natural! What a guy! Yes, Mr. B Natural is a decidedly modern man. Ignoring the constrictions placed upon him by modern society, Mr. B Natural dresses as he does just as he sees fit. If this means dressing in a shimmering leotard and a powder blue note-spangled jacket, and climbing through the windows of young troubled middle-schoolers to play clarinet with them 'til the wee hours, waking them the next day to whisper in their tender ears, I say more power to him! Joel: Mr. Servo, you're evading the question! Servo: If by this, sir, you mean that Mr. B Natural is a man, I challenge you to come up with any condemning evidence to the contrary! They named him Mister, and I for one have faith that they knew what they were doing. You might as well just ask me to prove that a fish is a fish! Gentlemen, it just is! As for these phantom "breasts" Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say phooey-kaflooey. Perhaps he's been in space too long. Gentlemen, Mr. B Natural is just that. Here's wishing we could all be a little bit more like him. I yield the floor. Joel: Mr. T. Bo-rot, you have twenty minutes to rebut. Crow: Mr. Servo, you have got to be kidding me! Let's assume for the moment that Mr. B Natural is a man. My heavens, what a confusing message to send to little kids! Already there's the painful feeling of isolation. The horrible scarring acne! And Mr. Servo here would have us place a cross-dressing man with a clarinet slap-dab in their bedrooms! Why not men in Little Bo-Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I for one would not... Joel: Mr. Servo, your rebuttal! Servo: Yes, yes, why not, Mr. Crow? I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down all the barriers! Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards. Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big wo-- Joel: [abruptly ending the debate] Uh, gentlemen, I have commercial sign; I'm sorry. Mr. B Natural (short) [Confused about a name in the opening credits]Joel: What does "A.S.C." mean? Servo: "A sick cookie". Joel: Oh. Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the background music in the opening credits] Come on and buy some crap from us You know that you want toAnd the white race will salute youAs you prance and gad about![A large, bleacher-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]Mr. B Natural: Boy! Am I glad to see you! Crow: Well, it's not mutual! Mr. B Natural: Knew your father, I did! Joel: Hey, leave my father out of this! Mr. B Natural: And your grandmother! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam! Servo: Yeah, you were the snake! Mr. B Natural: The spirit of music's inside all of you. Crow: No, I bathe. Mr. B Natural: In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit)[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]Joel [as Jim]: Got it from the Franklin Mint![Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]Jeanie: Wanna come? We could dance! Crow [as Buzz]: Don't hit me! Buzz: No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay... Jeanie: But that's not due for two weeks! Buzz: I know Jeanie... but I... Servo [as Buzz]: ...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster. Joel [as Buzz]: [in a whiny voice] That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me... Servo: Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz". Mr. B Natural: Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the spirit! Servo: Yeah, calls for Satan.[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]Buzz: Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading. Buzz's Mother: All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...? Crow [as Buzz's Mother]: This time, don't make so much noise when you "read." Joel [as Buzz's Mother]: Why does my kid have to be such a dud? I was popular! Mr. B Natural: Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside you! That's me, B Natural! Servo: [excited] So I'm attracted to guys now?[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]Mr. B Natural: You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos. Crow [as Jerry Lewis]: The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away![Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]Mr. B Natural: And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz. Servo: Kicks! Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform... Servo: Kicks! Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for a band competition... Servo: The all-night coke jags in cheap motels! Mr. B Natural: ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun! Crow [as Buzz]: Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Mr. B Natural: When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn! Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know? Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please. Crow [as Buzz]: Forget music, I wanna dance![Mr. B dances to some music.]Crow: He's so perky... kill her. Servo: See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]Joel [as Buzz]: [in a panicky voice] Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that! Crow: [in a midwestern voice] Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day.[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]Joel: Honey West![Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]Joel: Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong.[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]Servo: Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet. Crow: This trumpet is flatlining![Buzz is performing at a school dance]Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white... . . . Joel: Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad. . . . Crow [as radio host]: Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour... . . .[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]Joel: It stinks! Servo: Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band. War of the Colossal Beast (movie) [Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]Joel, Crow, Servo [as Car Occupants]: [singing to "99 Bottles of Beer"] 100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude! Take one down, pass it around, 99 years of solitude![The searchers find a piece of a truck with a giant fingerprint.]Joyce Manning: Could this be Glen's? Servo: No, no, the whorl pattern is completely wrong. Sheriff: [upon discovering a giant footprint] Whatever made this must have been sixty feet tall. Joyce: Glen was sixty feet tall. Crow: Think there's a connection?[During a very long shot of people getting into a jeep, the jeep being started, put in reverse, turned around, and driven away]Servo: That's right, Bert, spare us nothing. The Unearthly Posture Pals (short) [as the short begins, a logo for Avis Films appears.]Joel: Avis Films, we try harder. Servo: The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.[the short begins with a silhouette on screen]Joel: My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic. Crow, Servo: Hi, Sally.[over a shot of the four kids]Narrator: And these four children are especially important about the four things. Joel: 'Cause they're on the payroll.[talking about the posture contest]Narrator: The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns. Joel: Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats. Narrator: Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement. Servo: Hey, who wouldn't be?[as the kids look at their posture drawings]Joel: That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy. Narrator: But they are not happy with what they see. Servo: They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing! Narrator: For Tommy is indeed surprised... Crow [as Tommy]: No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh! Narrator: ...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round. Joel: He's got VPL. Servo: Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL! Narrator: Now Jimmy is disturbed to see... Crow [as Jimmy]: Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops! Narrator: He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall. Servo [as Narrator]: Just like his dad on Friday night! Narrator: And what gives Jane her worried frown? Joel: Valium? Narrator: Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree. Servo: All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here. Narrator: Our Mary is a happy girl... Servo: (imitates repeated burping)Narrator: ...with hollowed chest and tired head. Crow: She should jut go home to bed. Green Eggs and Ham. Servo: Thank you, Sam-I-Am.[Teacher Miss Martin demonstrates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]Narrator: ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides. Servo [as Narrator]: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired? Crow: Yes, very much so.[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]Joel [as Bombo]: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! [Servo makes broken spine noises][A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]Joel: Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy— Joel: Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you! Narrator: —when Jimmy stands off-balance. Crow [as Narrator]: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face. Joel [as Jimmy]: Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong! Tom: Heh-heh... what? Narrator: At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test.[A silhouette appears on screen]Crow: Hey, it's Hitchcock! Tom: Yeah, after Slim-Fast![All sing the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme]Narrator: Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture. Joel: And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood.[Mary is voted posture queen]Crow: FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX![Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]Servo: Then Mary's head is lit on fire! Narrator: And the other three children win the other posture crowns. Servo: Definitely a fix. Narrator: Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures? Joel, Crow, Servo: NO! . . . Crow: Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life. Appreciating Our Parents (short) [Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt... Servo [as Narrator]: ...in a prison break. Narrator: ...and now, it's mended as good as new. Joel [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. The Unearthly (movie) [The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed John Carradine) as he reassures new patient Grace.]Joel: Hey, John — why the long face, pal?[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]Sharon: Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]Crow [as Sharon]: NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE![During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]Sharon: Don't you enjoy the doctor's music? Crow [as Mark]: Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'. . . .[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]Crow [as Conway]: I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending! Servo [as Groucho]: I can't think of anything else![Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]Lobo: Time for go to bed! Joel: Well said.[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]Joel: His story has a better plot than this movie... Santa Claus Conquers the Martians [On The Satellite of Love] Crow: Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song. Joel Robinson: You wrote a Christmas song? Crow: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Tom Servo: Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"? Crow: Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Road House. Servo: C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas? Crow: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay? Joel: C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon. Crow: All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot. Joel: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"? Crow: Right. Hit it, Cambot! [music starts] Servo: Oh. Oh, I start. I get it. Lyrics TOM Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in CROW We'll gather at the Road House With our next of kin JOEL And Santa can be Our regular Saturday Night thing ALL We'll decorate a barstool And gather 'round and sing TOM Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year! CROW Or we'll tear your throat out And kick you in the ear Joel: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. [music stops] Joel: Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas. Crow: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas? Joel: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before. Crow: Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson! Tom Servo: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. [music resumes] Tom Servo: Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful. Crow: Thank you. TOM It's my way or the highway This Christmas at my bar CROW I'll have to smash your kneecaps if You bastards touch my car JOEL I got the word that Santa has been Stealing from the till ALL I think that that right jolly old elf Better make out his will Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas one and all And this can be the haziest... This can be the laziest... This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all! TOM La la la la la la Ha ha! Crow: How long before it becomes a standard? Joel: I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon! [Joel drags Crow out] Tom Servo: We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Heh-heh-heh-heh.[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies![In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]Dr. Forrester: Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny! TV's Frank: Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh… Dr. Forrester: You… hocked… my… Rolex. TV's Frank: Yah… Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift. TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book! Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money. TV's Frank: Heh heh. Oh, Henry! A twisted allusion to O. Henry's The Gift of the Magi, about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (movie) [The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]Crow [as TV Announcer]:For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars![Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar (Pia Zadora) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]Kimar: Now, go to sleep! Girmar: Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more. Bomar: I want to see more toys! Kimar: No, go to sleep! Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]: Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then? Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]: Why, sure![The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]Joel [as Announcer]: Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter. Servo: [in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]Crow [as Santa]: [cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head. Joel [as Santa]: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids. . . . Girmar: Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis racquet! Santa: Oh, this'll never do! Joel: [as Santa] We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O! Crow: Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam. Master Ninja I Master Ninja I (movie) [A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]Sheriff Kyle: Pull over! This is the sheriff's office! Crow: Office?! That's a car.[Holly Trumball (Demi Moore) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you. Max: I'm going off duty for the day. Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand. Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi. Mr. Trumball: You got a warrant, sheriff? Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]: Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here. Crow: I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere...[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]Okasa: The old man hired you? McAlister: I am not for hire. Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times... McAlister: The dark times have gone. Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa![Max and McAllister set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja. Servo: We'll be the judge of that. Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production. Max: We're being followed! Servo [as McAllister]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie![The van makes a sharp left.]Crow [as McAllister]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard! Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises. Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! {{hnote|Crow refers to the fact that Master Ninja, rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called The Master.}} . . . [Max, driving his van, jumps over a hollow slope in the road in a suburban part of the town, flying over the camera in between tow separate camera angles.] Joel, Crow, & Servo: TIMBER! [Max makes another jump over another hollow slope, flying over the camera again.] Joel, Crow, & Servo: TIMBERRRRRR! [Okasa has McAllister cornered, but McAllister uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.] Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those. Servo [as Okasa]: Damn. He knows Doug Henning. Max: You all right? Joel [as McAllister]: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop. The Castle of Fu Manchu TV's Frank: [regarding how bad the movie this week is] Yeah; I thought the composting toilet had backed up- as it turns out, it's this week's experiment! Tom Servo: (as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio) Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! (breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter) Crow: Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man! Joel: Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully. Servo: (while still crying) I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!! Crow: I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie? Joel: Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man. Servo: You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? (sobs uncontrollably) Crow: Better you than me! Joel: Oh, Crow, c'mon... (addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust) Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on! Dr. Forrester: (watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank) You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it? Joel: (after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying) Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?! Dr. Forrester: (mockingly) Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Dr. Forrester: (gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie) Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now. Joel: You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others. Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime! Dr. Forrester: You're sounding like a Hallmark card. TV's Frank: (after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene) You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good. Dr. Forrester: (angrily) Frank! Joel, Crow, and Servo: Gotcha! The Castle of Fu Manchu (movie) Crow: Staring contest on the left. Check it out. Fu Manchu: This is Fu Manchu. Crow [As Fu Manchu]: And you're not. Fu Manchu: In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice... Crow: Oh, he's a refrigerator. Fu Manchu: And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril. Joel: Kinda like a Corvair, huh? Fu Manchu: In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete. Servo [as Fu Manchu]: But first, this word from Maxwell House. [footage of the Titanic is shown] Joel: Oh, they stole this from a Titanic movie. Look. ... [the ship hits the iceberg] Crow: Lucy must be around here somewhere. "Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!" ... Crow: [as the passengers panic] Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first. ... [as the ship continues to sink] Crow: And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, The Poseidon Adventure. Servo: [in a gurgled voice] At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!" ...[as the ship finishes sinking]Servo: [in a gurgled voice] There's got to be a morning after... And there she goes! Yay! Crow: Well, that made no sense. Crow: Castle of Fu Manchu; where you eat square hamburgers with chopsticks! Tom Servo: [while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on] I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~ Crow: C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it! Dr. Petrie: Thank you, Curt. It was very kind of you to come. Joel [as Kessler]: Well, I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers- Servo: Joel, no! Fu Manchu: This is Fu Manchu... Servo [as Fu Manchu]: And I'm an alcoholic. Joel: Hi Fu.[as Fu Manchu reveals an unconscious man he wants Dr. Kessler to operate on]Dr. Kessler: What's wrong with that man? Crow: Nothing at all! Fu Manchu: There is nothing wrong with him, doctor, he is in perfect physical condition. Servo: I'll say. Fu Manchu: And unlike Professor Heracles, his heart is as sound as a bell. Joel: Bong! Fu Manchu: Do you not agree, doctor, that Professor Heracles should have that splendid heart? Joel [as Kessler] [flustered] Uh, if it comes with that beefy chest! Dr. Kessler: But that man is not dead or dying! Crow: He's only mostly dead! Fu Manchu: ... he will die, for the sake of science. Dr. Kessler: And for your sake also. Fu Manchu: I need Heracles to complete my plans. I need him alive, conscious, coherent. Servo: I wish this MOVIE WERE CONSCIOUS AND COHERENT!!! Crow: What's the deal with Fu Manchu, anyway? It's not like he's really evil; he's just dull! He's like some twisted bureaucrat in silk jammies!(Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises)Servo: Oh... King's on his throne. Master Ninja II Master Ninja II (movie) [After Max tries and fails to flirt with a girl and she walks away]McAlister: I'm not used to seeing them walk away from you. Servo: Usually they run away screaming.[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]Max: I'm here. Are you? Carrie: Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day. Max: I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.] Servo [as Carrie]: You're a wry wit.[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]'' Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.