Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gizmoplex Shorts of the Month

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60   Pipeline to the Clouds Pipeline to the Clouds (short) Let's Make a Meal in 20 Minutes! Let's Make a Meal in 20 Minutes! (short) Court Case Court Case (short) Narrator: Tennis is a form of war. A violent thing. Crow: I thought it was a burning ring. Narrator: And in the middle of it all, the absolute center of attention is this... Emily [as the Narrator]: Little shorts. Narrator: The tennis ball. Crow: Scientific name: Tennius Ballias. Narrator: It lives in a hundred-mile-an-hour world. Servo: Palm Springs? Narrator: Contact is extreme. Either brutal, or feather-light. Emily: Like my marriage. Narrator: ... so how does a ball get that way? Emily: Practice. Narrator: How does such utter reliability come to be? When so many are produced, how can each one be so perfect? Servo [as the Narrator]: Or so white? Narrator: The answer comes from machines... Servo and Crow: Yaaay! Narrator: ... and people. Servo and Crow: Booo... Emily: Oh... Narrator: ... and a name. [the camera focuses on the Penn brand] A big one. Emily, Servo, and Crow: Penn! Narrator: The Phoenix facility with 100,000 plus square feet under roof is one of four such plants. Emily: Wow. Narrator: Each all dedicated to one thing... Emily: Balls! Narrator: Making the best tennis balls possible, as perfect as can be. Millions of them. Servo: Millions of balls! Narrator: The other plants are in Jeannette, Pennsylvania, Jonesboro, Arkansas, and in Mullingar, Ireland. Crow: [Irish accent] Ah sure, we like to hit balls back and forth with racquets in Ireland. Narrator: Constant checking assures, guarantees, absolute tolerances. Everything must be perfect. Servo [as the Narrator]: Our nation's security depends on it. Narrator: Pellets, each identical, are placed in a mold. Many at a time. The mold closes, leaving an exact time and preset temperature to do the job. Emily: [singing] Just another brick in the wall... Narrator: Minutes later, vastly changed, the former pellets emerge as sort of a blanket, ready for dye cutting to separate the perfect half spheres. Crow: I'm learning a lot. Narrator: Variations in wall thickness, weight, and overall dimensions are infinitesimal. Emily [as the Narrator]: Then we add the honey barbecue sauce. Narrator: Another mold, different from the first, handles the second of the three cures. Some on the top, some on the bottom. Servo: Like a waffle. Narrator: These molds are pressurized, which enables them to trap air inside the ball centers. That's how the bounce gets in. Emily: Like Tigger. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Narrator: Approximately one atmosphere, or about 15 pounds per square inch. Again, time, temperature, and pressure do the work. The seam vulcanizes perfectly. Servo: This is a lot of work for something your dog will chew on. Narrator: At this stage, the balls are checked for size. Sizing is visual, electronic, and mechanical. A three-way proposition. Emily, Servo, and Crow: Uhhh... Narrator: Oversized, and undersized centers are screened and separated to find use as simple play balls, or other activities. Not tennis. Emily: I never realized how much tennis has in common with eugenics. Narrator: Next, in drums, the balls are tumbled. Emily: I'll tumble for ya... Narrator: Steam is introduced. Mold marks dissappear. The flat nap is raised and fluffed. Servo: Now he's just making up words. Crow: Yeah, right? Narrator: A lineup for printing, which adds something important. The name. Penn. Crow: James Penn. Narrator: A final check, and the balls are inserted in the distinctive can. Penn. Known wherever tennis is played. Servo [as the Narrator]: Like at Wimbledon or at Pfifer Middle School where you skinned your knee so badly you quit the team, remember, you LITTLE WHINER?! Narrator: The can, by the way, has a patented snap-off top designed to prevent cut fingers. [a handler runs their fingers along the can's edge] Emily: Ow! Ow ow ow... Narrator: It was introduced by Penn. Crow [as the Narrator]: An employee named Penn, who has four fingers now. [as a machine rapidly squeezes a tennis ball] Emily: Oh, you two shouldn't be watching this. This is... [the camera zooms out to reveal multiple balls getting squeezed in the same way, causing the bots to laugh mischievously] Servo: This is great... it's a free-for-all... Emily: When you think balls, think Penn. Crow: Balls! Sleep for Health Sleep for Health (short) Servo: [as the title is shown] I prefer the second film in the series: Sleep for Revenge. Narrator: A new baby is an exciting addition to the family... Servo [as Narrator]: But to keep the balance, someone must go. Martha: He's always asleep. Joel: Oh, that's what he wants you to think. Martha: When's he ever gonna be any fun? David: All he ever does is eat and sleep. Servo [as David]: And watch "Meet the Press." Narrator: Everybody has habits. [a father is shown reading a newspaper with a stern expression] Dad likes to read his newspaper every evening in this same chair. Servo [as the father]: A cat that eats lasagna?! Narrator: Getting ready for bed at a regular time is one of the most important habits you can learn. A quiet hour or two before bedtime is part of this habit. It makes you feel relaxed and sleepy, ready for bed. Servo [as Narrator]: Easy pickings for an apex predator. Narrator: Some people go right to sleep, others take longer. Joel [as Narrator]: David eases himself to sleep by counting his sins. Crow [as David]: 239... 240... ah, 241... that was a good one. [David is seen flying a plane in a dream that sputters and dies in midair without falling] Crow: You know, if you die in a dream, you die in real life. Joel [as David]: [while David pulls out a big wrench and works on the propeller] No! Not like this, not today! I'm only nine! I never even finished that chapter I mentioned earlier! [the airplane revs up again] Servo: Eh, still more reliable than flying with Spirit Airlines. Narrator: Dreams don't seem to make much sense, do they? Crow: Nope! Narrator: [as David is seen sleeping again] That's because the brain is resting along with the body... Joel [as David]: 432, 433- oh, I did 433 twice. Gotta start over. 1, 2... Narrator: The alarm hasn't rung yet. David finds that he usually wakes up before it goes off. Servo [as Narrator]: Which is why you should always get up a full 30 minutes before you awaken. Narrator: You're never at your best until at least an hour or two afterwards. That's one reason why getting up early is so important. Crow: Uhhhh... didn't this family used to have a baby? Narrator: There's plenty of time for breakfast, too. Breakfast is an important meal that shouldn't be missed. If you usually go to bed early enough, you usually wake up early, too. You can start the day in a pleasant, unhurried way. It's more fun for you that way and more fun for the rest of the family, too. David and Martha enjoy their mornings. Servo [as Narrator]: It's the last daylight they'll see before descending into the mines. Joel: [David and Martha leave the table] "Well, gotta run, mom and dad, but this has been pleasant and unhurried." Crow: Seriously though! This film started with a baby! [as the film ends] Crow: Guys, I'm really worried. What happened to the baby?! The Wonder of Reproduction Pearl: It's another one for Emily, and it's called "The Wonder of Reproduction," and as the mother of a mad scientist, I can wholeheartedly tell you it's no wonder that I never did that again. The Wonder of Reproduction (short) [as the title is revealed] Crow: Finally! We get to learn how to forge money. [Title card reads "From the Wonder World Series".] Emily: Anyway, here's, uh, Wonderworld. Today was gonna be the day that we're gonna reproduce with you... Gary: Man, oh man, would you look at this one? She sure is beautiful... Crow [as Gary]: But she doesn't even know I exist! Bob: Well, this she happens to be a he. Emily [as Bob]: Idiot. Bob: You're looking at the male betta splenden, and he is one of the most beautiful fish you'll probably ever see. As you look closely... Servo [as Bob]: Just look at that muddy brown. Bob: ... almost every color of the rainbow, sparkling in his sleek body, and flowing fins as he swims... Crow: Bob's biting his knuckle right now. Bob: Strange as it may seem, in the family of betta splendens, it's the father who cares for the babies, and raises a family. Servo: A real Mr. Mom. Girl: Father? What does the mother fish do? Crow [as Bob]: She drinks. Bob: The father betta will go up to the surface and breathe in a mouthful of air. Then he will swim to the place that he's chosen to build his nest. Now this is usually by a plant, or on the underside of a floating leaf. Emily [as Bob]: Hopefully by a sport's bar. Bob: Then he will blow out the bubbles of air, which is coated with very special saliva from his mouth. Servo: When he does it, he's a good dad, but when I do it, I'm asked to leave the Arby's. Servo [as a fish]: As I sat in the hole, I couldn't help but wonder. Was this all there was to life under the sea? Bob: Now, the Creator has given most wild creatures a strong instinct to protect their young, and mother mouthbrooder performs this task in such a remarkable way. Crow: Magic! Bob: Even though she has scooped up all of the eggs into her very large mouth, she will not swallow them. She keeps them in her mouth until they hatch into baby fish. Emily [as Bob]: And will remind those children of her sacrifice for years to come. [as the three children leave to go catch minnows] Bob: Have fun! Crow: 'Cause the Vietnam War is right around the corner! Servo: Uncle Bob will return in The Wonders of Snake Digestion! Cavalcade Cavalcade (short) Narrator: This twisted tornado-wracked pile of stem was a microwave radio relay tower... Dr. Ernhardt [as Narrator]: Now, it's garbage. Narrator: A link in our nation's complex telephone network. Minutes after the tower was felled by a tornado, service was restored by switching calls to alternate routes of the network, but a temporary tower must be erected, and quickly. Pearl: Before it kills again. [as a tower is getting constructed] Pearl: Gentlemen, this is going to be a wild game of Mousetrap. Technician: [adjusting a signal] Take it to the left. Dr. Ernhardt: Take it back now, y'all. Technician: Left. Left a little more. Pearl [as Technician]: My- My left! Technician: Easy... Whoa! He's right on frequency! Dr. Ernhardt [as Technician]: I'm gonna take this energy home and satisfy my wife for a change. Narrator: Television programs, telephone calls, and data are going through. This one was for practice... Pearl: And gosh darn was it fun! Narrator: ... for crews like this, the big task is keeping the nation's communications flowing. Dr. Ernhardt [as another worker]: Wait, this was practice? Jeff died today! Narrator: Why the upsurge of interest in the heavens? Dr. Erhardt: Because hell is full. [at the title card, "The Paradox of Lead"] Dr. Erhardt: If it's so dangerous, why does it taste so good? Narrator: The very idea of lead in glass seems contradictory. Nonetheless, this goblet of lead crystal was made in England by George Ravenscroft back in the year 1675. Dr. Erhardt [as Narrator]: He died in 1676. Narrator: Lead glass today protects against penetrating X-rays. Pearl: And that pervert, Superman. Narrator: In this picturesque countryside, farming is the leading occupation. Dr. Erhardt [as Narrator]: Number two is murder. Balance Beam for Girls Balance Beam for Girls (short) Bicycling Visual Skills Bicycling Visual Skills (short) [as Mr. Mathis and a group of student drivers exit a car] Emily [as Mr. Mathis]: Just act casual, and remember, if anyone asks, we hit a deer. Mr. Mathis: Say, I have a new film on safe driving skills that I'm gonna look at in the morning. Would any of you like to look at it? Can you meet me back here at nine o'clock? Karen: Sure! Mike: Okay. Mr. Mathis: Alright. See you in the driver's education room. Ted: See you later! Karen: Bye! Servo [as a kid]: Let's hurry home! The purge starts tonight! [after Mike runs a stop sign on his bike] Ted: I've got something to tell you that you'll probably see in the film tomorrow, but I think you need to know it now. Servo [as Ted]: Meryl's still got it. Ted: Every time you come to a stop sign, you should always use the slow down, or stop hand signal. And then you should look being you to make sure that no cars are coming. Then look to the left, and always when it's a three-way intersection, look straight ahead to the right, to the left again, and then once it's clear, you can... Emily [as Ted]: Then up up, down down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start, and you'll have unlimited bikes! Mr. Mathis: Karen, could you get the lights for me? Crow [as Karen]: Get a clapper, old man! Narrator: All vehicle drivers need good visual habits to drive skillfully. Emily [as Narrator]: Having eyes in general is a plus. Narrator: Everything you can see at one thing is called your field of view. Crow: Learning! [the camera pans to the left, losing focus on the road, and looking at a building with an ITW sign] Narrator: Look what happens to your field of view when you turn your head. Emily [as Narrator]: You can see International Towel World. Narrator: Every time you switch your line of sight, your entire field of view changes. Servo [as Narrator]: Scientists call this, "looking." Narrator: Check ahead in the intersection for traffic. Check to the left, and to the right... Crow [as Narrator]: Then cha cha slide. Narrator: Then put your hand back on the handlebar, and check behind again to make sure it's clear before you turn. Emily [as Narrator]: Repeat this process 27 times, then turn the stove on and off 44 times so you know your mom won't die. Young Baseball Player: Who do you think's gonna pitch today? I hope it's not McCalvey! [as the young baseball player on his bike runs a stop sign, a car honks, resulting in a freeze frame on the boy's surprised face] Servo [as the kid]: Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got here... [the next scene shows the player on a street in bandages, about to be put on a stretcher] Crow: Final line, McCalvey went eight innings, gave up two runs on six hits, four walks, and one ceremonial pitch. Emily: He died how he played baseball: trouble with the curve. ... Servo: [as the ambulance takes the boy away] And the moral of the story is, baseball isn't worth it. Paramedic: Alright, let's move back out of the street. Crow [as paramedic]: Alright, move along so we can finish this Larry Byrd photo shoot for Pontiac. Narrator: Search the ground for changing road surfaces. Your bicycle reacts differently to each one. Loose gravel is slippery. Crow [as Narrator]: And pairs well with Merlot. Narrator: Bricks are bumpy. Emily: These are the weirdest affirmations. Narrator: Adjust your speed to each surface to keep your bicycle under control. Servo [as Narrator]: Unlike that hot Irish temper of yours, Kellen. [as the short begins to roll credits to happy music] Emily: [singing] Don't you... forget about me... [she raises a fist in the air] Crow: I remember Jules et Jim being longer. Emily: Yeah, Beverly J. Ruff was definitely not three dogs in a trench coat. Servo: Ironically, I had to unfriend John L. Friend. Crow: Richard B Long, Jeffrey B. Light, and I be done with this movie. The Bicycle Driver The Bicycle Driver (short) [as the title is shown] Synthia: Oh, in the Driver trilogy, this falls between Baby and Taxi. Pearl [as adult driver]: [as a group of kids leave a Driver's Education vehicle] Okay, this time you kids buy beer for me. Driver: I've been asked to introduce this film, because I really am the advisor to a junior high bike club, and I really do teach traffic safety education full-time. Mega-Synthia: Prove it! Driver: So I see the safety education problem from both viewpoints. Synthia [as the driver]: I'm conflicted. Driver: Bicycles and autos can safely share the same road... Pearl [as driver]: This bloody century long war must end! Driver: ... must know and follow the same rules of the road, accept the same driving responsibility, and respect each other's rights. That's what this film is all about. Mega-Synthia [as driver]: That, and corn shucking. [as a police officer pulls over a bicycle driver] Synthia: Uh, we got a local yokel smokey in hot-pursuit of a hooligan, hot-doggin' it in Calhoun County. Police Officer: May I see your operator's license today, sir? Bicycle Driver: License? Since when do I have to have a license to drive a bicycle? Police Officer: Well it's not required that you have an operator's license, but I do need some form of identification. Mega-Synthia [as bicyclist]: My grandkids drew this, and wrote pop-pop on it. Does that work? [as a mother and her son shop at a bike store] Mother: Jim, can you guarantee me you're not gonna ride this bike at night? Pearl [as Jim]: I can't even guarantee you I won't sell this for cigarettes. [as Jim sits on numerous bicycles] Synthia: On your birthday, you get to teabag every bike in the shop. Girl Bicyclist: Hey Jim, what are you doing? Jim: Oh, I'm just going over my hand signals. Synthia You'll go blind! Driver: During a left turn at rush hour, he takes to the sidewalk, riding if it's legal, pushing if it's not. Pearl: Ditching it if it cramps his style. [as a group of bicyclists ride past a herd of cattle] Synthia [as a cow]: I think one of those bike seats is my brother. Driver: Jim, our new member is going to recite, what are the rules of the road? Synthia [as Jim]: Kill, or be killed. Jim: To maintain a safe and orderly flow of traffic on our roads. Girl Bicyclist: Why should you follow the rules of the road? Jim: Because if I don't, I can't expect anybody else to. Driver: Oh, you mean we always follow the rules of the road? Bicyclists: We try, but it isn't easy! Pearl, Synthia, and Mega-Synthia: And when it's too hard, we give up! Let's Keep Food Safe to Eat Let's Keep Food Safe to Eat (short) [as the title is shown] Servo: Yes, keep guns away from food. Narrator: While Steve washes his hands, Cathy will get the silverware. Oops! She dropped a spoon. Servo: Oops! She's fired. Narrator: [as the family gathers around the breakfast table] Now, Steve is ready for breakfast, and father too. Emily [as the Narrator]: Back from his other family. Narrator: Father is also careful about the food he eats. The sausage looks good... Crow [as the Narrator]: But the eggs look worse. Narrator: [as the father takes a bite of the sausage, but grimaces] But it doesn't taste right. Emily [as the Narrator]: And Cathy's missing three fingers! Narrator: So, he won't eat anymore of the sausage, it may be spoiled. Crow: Right, Cathy? Narrator: Often we can tell if foods are good to eat by smelling or tasting them. Servo [as the Narrator]: Or simply by asking them. Narrator: You should never eat food if you're not sure they are safe. Emily [as the Mother]: Cathy, did you wash your fingers before we cooked them? Narrator: Washing dishes also helps us keep our food fresh and clean. To find out why, let's do an experiment with some leftover food on a plate. What do you suppose will happen if the food is not washed off? Servo: It will get tattoos, and listen to punk music. Narrator: The best way to get dirt and germs off your hands is to wash and scrub them well. Crow: Preferably, 'til bloody. Narrator: Use lots of soap, and get in between the fingers, on the back of the hands, and on the wrists too. Get them clean all over. Servo: Where have those wrists been? Emily: You don't wanna know. [as a covered sliced cake is shown] Servo: It's quarantined Pac-Man! [a knife starts to cut another slice of the cake] Emily: No, Pac-Man! [Imitates the Pac-Man death sound] Narrator: Using straws sealed in paper wrappers helps to keep dirt and germs out of milk. Crow [as the Narrator]: Plus, it'll kill all four turtles. Narrator: Sally has a sandwich from yesterday. Servo [as Sally]: See? No funny business. Narrator: Cathy would love it, but if it's been out of the refrigerator for so long, it may be spoiled. [Cathy declines the sandwich] That's right, Cathy. Don't eat things if you don't know for sure they are safe. Emily [as the Narrator]: Say no to leftovers. Narrator: Suppose you drop a cookie on the floor. Servo: Five second rule? Narrator: Things that are dropped, you know, should be washed before eating, but how can you wash a cookie? Emily: That's what spit's for! Narrator: Well, he'll just have to throw it out. Crow: And burn the evidence. Crow: Alright everyone, smoke 'em of you got 'em. In the next film, we cover tick bites. Mr. B. Natural (2023) Mr. B Natural (short) Max Ugh, Mr. B Natural. There's no way out, Kinga! We can't control when the movies begin or end! Kinga: Uh, well... j- just sit down. Maybe it won't be so bad. [as Phil Patton's directing credit is shown] Kinga: Phil Patton, you magnificent bastard, I read your book! Max: I just love the name Patton. So strong and... and viral! Mr. B Natural: Mr. B Natural, at your service. The spirit of music, that's me! The spirit of fun in music. And I've been around an awful long time. Knew your father, I did. And your grandmother. And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam. Kinga: She's the devil? Mr. B Natural: Why, you should know me. The spirit of music's inside all of you. In you... Max: Peaches. Mr. B Natural: In you... Kinga: Herb... Mr. B Natural: In all of you! Max [as Mr. B Natural]: Where your soul used to be! Mr. B Natural: I usually hang around on this music staff, but when I get a message for help, I go off to appear before people! Especially young people, when I think I can do 'em some good. Max: Uh oh, hold on... Jeanie: Honest, these records are the greatest. Kinga [as Jeanie]: What's N.W.A. mean? [as Mr. B Natural appears out of Buzz Turner's locker] Max: You can't be within a thousand feet of a school, Mr. B Natural! Buzz Turner: Mr. B what? Mr. B Natural: Natural! Shouldn't be surprised, boy. Whether you know it, or not, you sent for me. When you reached for that music over there to make you feel better, I got your message. You awakened me! Max: Damn! Buzz Turner: You mean you've been hiding here in my room all that time, and I never even noticed? Mr. B Natural: No boy, I don't mean that! I mean, you awaken the spirit of music inside you! That's me! Your spirit of music! That's my name, boy! B Natural! Kinga: This is so complicated. Mr. B Natural: Look here, I've been visiting an eight-year-old friend of mine who woke me up recently. Kinga: Huh? Mr. B Natural: Talked him into playing the French horn, I did. You should hear him! [imitates a French horn and laughs] Max: Oh, watch your back, Reggie Watts. Mr. B Natural: Because he wanted to. He wanted the fun of it. That's why he can play that piece so easy! Wait 'til he grows up and finds out how hard it is. [laughs] Kinga [as Mr. B Natural]: Ha ha ha, then he'll die! Mr. B Natural: It's because he's young. He's not afraid. Max [as Mr. B Natural]: He's foolish! Hee hee hee ha ha! [as Mr. B Natural does a "dignified" march to a French horn tune] Kinga: Nothing sparks self esteem like a North Korean military march. Mr. B Natural: You like music? Buzz Turner: Sure sounds like fun, and I'd like to have some of it too! Max [as Mr. B Natural]: Yeah, first taste is free, kid. Salesman: Years of know-how make the best instrument. If that craftsman stops spinning that sousaphone bell for a second... Kinga [as salesman]: He receives an electric shock. Salesman: The best instruments are uniform. Every one is exactly like every other of the same kind. Max [as salesman]: Like white people in the suburbs. [as Buzz receives his trumpet] Max [as Buzz]: I'm gonna join Reel Big Fish. [as Buzz takes a trumpet solo at the dance] Kinga: Hey Dizzy, it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Gillespie? You know that new sound you been looking for? Well listen to this! [Mr. B Natural flashes the okay sign] Kinga and Max: It stinks! Better Breakfasts, U.S.A. Better Breakfasts, U.S.A. (short) Narrator: Every television show begins with a title. Often, it's a card on an easel. Emily: Whoa! Don't give away all the secrets! Narrator: ... in the studio well before airtime, and each area is set up for the camera so that the program can proceed smoothly. Servo [as the Narrator]: [shot five cards on screen] They are beige to show off on your glorious color TV. Narrator: ... in this table of grain samples, since our Better Breakfast story begins with cereal grains. Crow [as Narrator]: And ends with malt liquor. Narrator: Today's wide variety of ready to eat and hot breakfast cereals is made from these great grains. Emily: I mean, they're fine... Narrator: Barley... Servo: Barely. Narrator: Corn... Crow: Which is better on the cob. Narrator: Oats... Emily: Worthless without Hall. Narrator: Rice... Servo: The pigeon exploder. Narrator: And wheat, or combinations of them. Crow: Call me when you got sorghum. Narrator: The United States Department of Agriculture says cereal breakfast products are an important food use of the grains we grow. Emily [as Narrator]: And it's not a conflict of interest at all. Narrator: There are many different kinds of wheat... Crow: Corn wheat, barley wheat, rice wheat... Narrator: And it is raised in a wide area. Emily: Eat too much wheat, and you'll have a wide area. Narrator: Cereals are flaked... Emily: Folded... Narrator: Granulated... Servo: Spindled... Narrator: Puffed... Crow: Mutilated... Narrator: Shredded... Emily: Humiliated... Narrator: And rolled. Servo: And thrown away! Narrator: Whole grain, enriched or restored breakfast cereals are included in one of the four main food groups recommended by government nutrition experts in a daily food guide. Servo: Government can't tell me not to eat batteries! Narrator: Well, that's our health and nutrition television program, Better Breakfasts, USA. Crow: It was immediately canceled. Servo: No Black History Month, but they learned about grain. Doing Things for Ourselves in School Doing Things for Ourselves in School (short)