The Worst Week of My Life

The Worst Week of my Life is a BBC comedy starring Ben Miller and Sarah Alexander. Miller plays the hopeless Howard Steel and in the first series he's trying to marry the lovely Mel Cook [Alexander]. By series 2 they're expecting a baby... 2010-10-20 Series 1 Howard Steel: [about Binky, after chucking him into a cement mixer] It's just a bloody...Waste of dog. Dick Cook: [not amused] ...Yes. Howard: [peacefully, to Mel's Mum] If it's any consolation, Angela, I'm sure he didn't feel any pain. Angela: [has been crying, nods, sniffing] Granny: [casually] Noo, the speed of the cement mixer would've crushed his little skull in seconds! Angela: Ohh...God! [runs out of the room, crying] Howard: That's the thing about accidents...They're nobody's fault. [Howard's mobile phone is ringing, he ignores it] Mel: Well aren't you going to answer it? Howard: No, I don't think so. Mel: Why not? Howard: Probably a wrong number. Mel: How do you know that? Howard: I always get them. Mel: Howard, stop it. Answer your phone. Howard: I really don't think that's a good idea, Mel. Mel: [goes to take phone, Howard answers] Howard: [on phone] Hello? Cassy: [on phone] I want to make love to you Howard:[on phone] Sorry, you've got the wrong number Cassy:[on phone]I want to be with you, Howard! Howard:[on phone] Stop ringing me, thanks [hangs up] Mel: [confused and concerned looks towards Dick and Angela] Series 2 Yvonne: [sits down at the kitchen table and puts her bag and guide stick down in 2 of Angela's puddings] Angela: [shouts] Yvonne! Yvonne: What? I'm only here you know, no need to shout. Angela: You've ruined the Marrang! You've put your things in the main puddings! Yvonne: Well I can't help it. I only wanted some breakfast and I can't even have that? I've had a long journey down, you know. I'll have a boiled egg- not too runny. And two pieces of toast. Angela: What?! Yvonne: 2 Pieces of toast! Good God, girl. I'm blind and you're deaf. Fine pair we make. Yvonne: [at table, alone] Who's that? Mel: Mel Yvonne: Mel? I've heard you've got yourself pregnant Mel: Yes I have Yvonne: With that awful man, Howard. Wasn't his speech terrible at the wedding? Mel: Many people thought it was quite sweet. Yvonne: And another thing, he reeks of cabbage Mel: Cabbage? Yvonne: Yes, cabbage. You notice these things up when you're blind. Yvonne: I smell cabbage. Howard: [enters the room, to Mel who's lying on a sofa] Good idea honey, taking it easy. Howard: You're looking well, Yvonne Yvonne: [not taking the compliment]Am I. Howard: Yes, you must come and visit us when we move in. Yvonne: [deadpan] Yes I heard you blew Hilder's cottage up. Howard: Now, actually, that wasn't me, it was my dad. Yvonne: So that's where you get it from.. Dick: [genuinely surprised and pleased about the work Howard's done on mowing the front lawn] You've done a good job, Howard. Well done! Howard: Thankyou dick! How's Yvonne? Dick: Minor burns, they've been treated. Howard: Ahh. Want me to crack on with the back lawn? Dick: Yes, why not? [goes back to helping Angela with Yvonne at the car] [Howard drives the lawn mower forwards onto the gravel, stones fly everywhere] Howard: I can't turn it off! [stones fly out and smash the windows and car. Dick, Angela and Yvonne all drop to the ground to avoid being hit] Howard: [In front of Dick's CBE party guests] Excuse me everyone? [they carry on talking] if I could just say a few words? [They continue, Shouts] HELLO?! [they shut up and turn to face him] Thankyou. My name's Howard Steel, some of you might not of heard of me, I'm Dick and Angela's son-in-law and husband of Mel. Frasier: [walks in, interrupts] I have something I have been keeping from you. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am Frasier Cook- [about being Gay] Howard: -Yes, well not quite now, Frasier. Anyway, we all know how hard Dick has worked to receive a CBE from her Maje and we all know that the said CBE went missing- Frasier: -I'm afraid there's something I need to tell you all. I find it very hard as you're my family... Mel: [quietly, whispering] Howard? Howard: [quietly] Not now, dear. [louder] So, to receive an award like this- Mel: [quietly, whispering] My waters have broken. Howard: [dismissively, quietly] Ok, dear. [louder] Ladies and Gentlemen, [realises what Mel's just said] MY WIFE'S WATERS HAVE JUST BROKEN?! External links