Hail the Conquering Hero

thumb Hail the Conquering Hero is a 1944 satirical comedy-drama film about a man who is discharged from the military for hay fever, but fabricates receiving a heroic honorable discharge before returning home. Directed and written by Preston Sturges. Miracles do happen!  taglines Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith [telling the crowd the truth about his discharge] I was born in this town. My father was born here. Most of this town is on my grandfather's homestead. My grandfather was an honorable man; so was my father. I've sold papers on the street to most of you who are here this morning. I've known you all my life. Your affection means a great deal to me, and now that I've lost the chance forever, I want you all to know how much it would have meant to me to be the mayor, or the city clerk, or the assistant city clerk or the dog catcher of this town, which was my grandfather's farm. By the same token I would gladly have given my life to have received just one of the ribbons you have seen on these brave mens' chests. If I could reach as high as my father's shoestrings my whole life would be justified and I would stand here before you proudly, instead of as the thief and coward that I am. I said a coward because I postponed until now what I should have told you a year ago, when I was discharged from the Marine Corps for medical unfitness. A coward because I didn't want my mother to know. Well, it wasn't to save her, it was to save me. A thief because I stole your admiration, I stole the ribbons I wore, I stole this nomination. Sgt. Heppelfinger Lies! Those ain't lies! Those are campaign promises! They expect 'em! They say opportunity's only got one hair on his head and you gotta grab it while it's going by and dog it down or you mightn't get another chance. [after Woodrow reveals his discharge and leaves the auditorium] I just wanna tell you one thing, see. I've seen a lot of brave men in my life - that's my business. But what that kid just done took real courage. Other Libby's Aunt: [comforting Libby, who's crying about Woodrow's return] Well, that's the war for you. It's always hard on women. Either they take your men away and never send them back at all; or they send them back unexpectedly just to embarrass you. No consideration at all. Dialogue Libby: [mad at Mayor Noble for criticizing Woodrow] That ass of a father of yours! Going around talking about people he doesn't know anything about. Forrest Noble: You're still talking about your children's grandfather. Libby: What are you trying to do? Depress me? If I thought they'd look anything like him... Forrest Noble: Well, I don't look anything like him. Libby: I've noticed that. I've pinned my hopes on it. Mayor Everett D. Noble: This problem is not local, it's national. In a few years, if the war goes on - heaven forbid - you won't be able to swing a cat without knocking down a couple of heroes. Now... are we going to be governed by young men - very young men - however well-meaning or patriotic they may be - whose principal talent consists of hopping in and out of wolfholes... Political Boss: Foxholes. Mayor Everett D. Noble: Huh? Political Boss: They're called foxholes. Mayor Everett D. Noble: ...talent consists of hopping in and out of foxholes and killing hundreds of enemies with one swoop of the sword. Or... are we going to be governed by respectable civic leaders of mature age who do not seek the appointment, but accept it as a civic duty. I refer to men like... uh, well... myself. Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: Anyway, I was kind of born to be a Marine. My father was killed in Belleau Wood the day I was born. Sgt. Heppelfinger: Belleau Wood? Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: Almost the same hour. All I ever thought about was being a Marine. I took exercises. I never drank or smoked. I studied all about them. I can tell you every battle the Marines were in from 1775 down to now. New Providence, Fort Nassau, the second Battle of Trenton, the Bonhomme Richard and the Serapis... "I have not yet begun to fight. " Tripoli in 1805, Nuku Hiva in 1812, the Battle of Hatchee-Lustee River in 1837, Veracruz in '46, Chapultepec, the halls of Montezuma, Panama in '85, Guantnamo Bay in '98, then the Philippines, the Boxer Rebellion in China, Nicaragua, Coyotepe Hill, Fort Riviere and Haiti. Then Chteau-Thierry, Belleau Wood, the charge at Soissons, Saint-Mihiel, and now Wake Island, Guam, Bataan, Corregidor, Guadalcanal. They bled and died. They gave me a big send-off when I left home. Band was playing, everybody hollering, the dogs barking, my mother crying. Everybody wondering if I'd come home a general or just a sergeant like my father. Well, it's one thing to come home with things like that on your chest, and another thing to go home with hay fever and a medical discharge. Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: It was hay fever. Chronic hay fever. Pfc. Juke Gillette: Gee, that's the worst kind too. Pfc. Bill Swenson: Well, better luck next time! Sgt. Heppelfinger: Did you try any other branches of the service, like the Army or the Navy? They'll take anything. Sgt. Heppelfinger: We're just a little bit short of cash, see... Cafe Owner: Uh, uh. Sgt. Heppelfinger: ...or I'd never make you this proposition. Cafe Owner: Ho, ho. Sgt. Heppelfinger: I was going to save it for the museum, see, but when you're out on a limb you gotta make sacrifices, that's all. You follow me? Cafe Owner: I'm ahead of you. Sgt. Heppelfinger: I'm gonna let you in on the ground floor of something very, very rare. You remember when General Yamatoho committed hari-kari? Cafe Owner: Possibly. Sgt. Heppelfinger: I happened to be very close by, see. [winks, indicates he pulled out one of Yamatoho's teeth and shows the very large elk's tooth he got from one of the other Marines] Cafe Owner: Big man, wasn't he? Sgt. Heppelfinger: Immense! This is one of the rarest mementos... Cafe Owner: [as he pulls a large Japanese flag out of his coat] You wouldn't like to buy the flag they buried him in, would you? I could let you have it very reasonable. [pulls out another flag] I have it in several sizes. [begins to pull other items out of his coat pockets] MacArthur's suspenders! The first bullet that landed in Pearl Harbor... you can take your pick. A piece of a Japanese submarine. [turns the piece of metal over] If you look at it this way it becomes a German submarine. [turns the piece again] And this way it's a piece of a shell that just missed Montgomery! Here we have the seat of Rommel's pants. And last, but not least, we have a button from Hitler's coat... although that one I don't personally believe. Sgt. Heppelfinger: Wise guy. Sgt. Heppelfinger: It's an honor to meet you, kid. What's your name? Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith. Go ahead and laugh. Sgt. Heppelfinger: That ain't anything to laugh at to anyone who knows anything. Sgt. Heppelfinger: I guess you never got to know your father very well, eh? Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: Well, not exactly... as he fell the day I was born. Sgt. Heppelfinger: That's right. It's hard to realize. He was a fine looking fellow. He didn't look anything like you at all. [Woodrow has a nightmare about battle and falls out of bed. Bugsy comes into Woodrow's bedroom] Bugsy: What's the matter? Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: Oh, I don't know. I guess I had a nightmare. Bugsy: You're lucky. Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: Huh? Bugsy: You're lucky you don't have them all the time... like some guys. Forrest Noble: If he waited a year longer, there might have been three of us to welcome him. If he waited two years, there might have been... Libby: Oh, shut up. Forrest Noble: Well, that's what marriage is for isn't it? Libby: Oh, I suppose so, if you look at it from a purely unromantic standpoint - like a breeding farm. Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: [after hearing that the town wants to build a statue of him] What do I do now? Sgt. Heppelfinger: Well, you just let it blow over. Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: Did you ever see a statue blow over? Sgt. Heppelfinger: I tell you it'll all blow over. Everything is perfect - except for a couple of details. Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: They hang people for a couple of details! Political Boss: [telling the mayor that Woodrow will be a write-in candidate] You can take it from me. This is a free country. They can vote for anybody they like. Mayor Everett D. Noble: But that's disgraceful! Political Boss: I know it, but that's how it is - and the way it is, it don't look so good. Mayor Everett D. Noble: You mean he actually has a chance? Political Boss: A chance? Did you ever see a snowslide? Mrs. Noble: Everett, I just have a feeling you're going to make an ass of yourself and I'm just going to pretend I don't know you. Mayor Everett D. Noble: I wish you didn't have to pretend! Judge Dennis: [notices that Woodrow is in civilian clothes] Where are the medals? Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: Oh, oh, the medals. Well, I just wore those to get off the train. I suppose I shouldn't have. Doc Bissell: What do you mean you shouldn't have? If all good men wore medals it wouldn't be so hard to tell the good from the bad. Town Councilman: Let's get down to business. The trouble with our party is everybody talks too long all the time. Doc Bissell: That's the trouble with all parties. [Woodrow - in his scheme - has just announced that the Marines have called him back] Judge Dennis: Why don't they leave you here where we need you? Libby: That's right. Doc Bissell: That's one of the weaknesses of the military viewpoint: doesn't always recognize the importance of civilians in wartime. Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: You'd better save your hoorays for somebody else, for somebody who deserves them, like Doc Bissell here, who's tried for so long to serve you, only you didn't know a good man when you saw one, so you always elected a phony instead... Mayor Everett D. Noble: Oh, I am, am I? Well, let me tell you something, young man! You'll find out! Mrs. Noble: Everett, you're making a spectacle of yourself! Mayor Everett D. Noble: [brushing off Mrs. Noble] Will you kindly! Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: ...until a still bigger phony came along, then you naturally wanted him. This should have been the happiest day of my life. It could have been. Instead, it's the bitterest. It says in the Bible, "my cup runneth over". Well, my cup runneth over... with gall. This is the last act. The farce is over. The lying is finished, and the coward is at least cured of his fear. Doc Bissell: [explaining to Woodrow that the town still wants him to run for mayor] Politics is a very peculiar thing, Woodrow. If they want you, they want you. They don't need reasons anymore... they find their own reasons. It's just like when a girl wants a man. Libby: That's right. You don't need reasons. Although they're probably there. Taglines Miracles do happen! Preston Sturges Rides Again The unwilling father of Morgan's Creek becomes the unwilling hero of Oak Ridge. Cast Eddie Bracken - Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith Ella Raines - Libby Raymond Walburn - Mayor Everett D. Noble William Demarest - Sgt. Heffelfinger Franklin Pangborn - Committee Chairman Elizabeth Patterson - Libby's Aunt Georgia Caine - Mrs. Truesmith Al Bridge - Political Boss Freddie Steele - Bugsy Bill Edwards - Forrest Noble Harry Hayden - Doc Bissell Jimmy Conlin - Judge Dennis Jimmie Dundee - Cpl. Candida Chester Conklin - Western Union Man Esther Howard - Mrs. Noble Arthur Hoyt - Rev. Upperman Robert Warwick - Marine Colonel Torben Meyer - Mr. Schultz Jack Norton - Second Bandleader Paul Porcasi - Cafe Owner External links 0036891 Category:1944 American films Category:American comedy-drama films Category:Screwball comedy films Category:Films directed by Preston Sturges Category:1944 English-language films Category:American satirical films Category:Films about the United States Marine Corps