2DTV

2006-06-30 2DTV was a satirical animated television show broadcast on ITV1 in the United Kingdom that followed closely in the footsteps of Spitting Image, but using animation rather than puppets. Ant and Dec Announcer: The ITV News at Ten with Ant and Dec. Ant: ITV denies accusations of dumbing down. Dec: Bongo-roony! Ant: Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh? [Dec slaps Ant on the head] Dec: Slapa-rooney! Ant: And former news caster evicted by phone vote. [cuts to Trevor McDonald, who is in a filthy alleyway] Trevor McDonald: News just in: I am hungry and homeless. Dec: Tramper-rooney! Ant: And now, the weather. Dec: And now, the weather. [cuts to Siân Lloyd in front of a map of the British Isles] Siân Lloyd: Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales. Osama Bin Laden [Bin Laden and his henchmen are in their cave] Bin Laden: At last we have nuclear bomb! [an old bomb drops into view; it has cracks, is leaking and has been stuck together using sticky tape] Bin Laden: Good work Binny Me! [Bin Laden turns round to see a smaller version of himself, both of which are doing the Dr. Evil pinky gesture. He turns back to his henchmen] Bin Laden: Initiate LAUNCH SEQUENCE! [The henchmen drag the bomb and drop it into a big envelope, which is addressed to: Infidel Bush, White House, USA] Bin Laden: FIRE!!! [one of the henchmen attaches a pigeon to the letter. The bird attempts to take off but cannot lift the mail] Bin Laden: I thought we had 2 birds? [Jalal burps and feathers come out of his mouth. He cringes] Jalal: Sorry. Bin Laden: Well, it's nice that Jalal tabled his concerns about the war... [the camera follows Bin Laden to his stone table. Jalal's head is on the table, with 2 other henchmen cowering behind the table] Bin Laden: Anyone else have any wobbles? Henchmen: No, Sir. Bin Laden: Good. [after an accidental explosion] Bin Laden: Jalal! Get your arse over here. Jalal: Why? Bin Laden: Because that's where your legs are. Tony Blair Tony Blair: We have conclusive proof that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and here it is... [Blair holds up a piece of paper] Tony Blair: We kept the invoice... and if he doesn't pay up soon, he isn't getting any more! BBC Reporter: The Press are ready, Prime Minister. Blair: How'd you want me for this one? BBC Reporter: Well, the conference is about your weekend... (office turns into countryside. Blair puts on a casual shirt) Blair: Ah, it's the weekend, and I'm relaxed. Downtime. Cup of tea. Jeans, with a crease, because I'm an ordinary guy. BBC Reporter: The weekend with your family. Blair: Ah, Family! [clicks fingers. Cherie, Euan and Leo appear] Adoring wife, growing brood, baby in arms, family man. Just like you. BBC Reporter: Your weekend in Europe. Blair: Ah, Europe! [Cherie and the kids disappear and the room turns back into the office] Controversial issue, let's talk it out. Jacket off, sleeves rolled up, sweaty armpits, as long as it takes. No bullshit. BBC Reporter: The weekend which had to be posponed because of the war on terrorism. Blair: [office turns into the front of 10 Downing Street. Jack Straw appears at Blair's side] War. Sober suit. Furrow brow. No smile this time. Statesman-like. Not like you. BBC Reporter: And the tragic loss of life. Blair: [black curtain descends] Ah, loss of life. Black tie. Voice cracks with... emotion. Manly tear in eye, men cry too. One of you again. BBC Reporter: Which, since the weekend-- Blair: Ah, weekend! Downtime, tea, Jeans! [scenery rapidly flickers] BBC Reporter: Mr. Blair, just be yourself! Blair: [scenery stops half way through shift] Myself? Um, just... remind me? George Bush [Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House] General: I think that should give you some idea of how delicate the balance of power is in the middle east. George Bush: I see, General. General: You didn't understand a word of that did you, Mr. President? George Bush: No I did not. General: Okay, do you want me to get Professor Leibstrom to explain it? George Bush: I think that might help. [the General goes underneath the table and, after a brief struggle, a sock puppet appears at the edge of Bush's desk] General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello again, Mr. President. It's Me, Professoer Leibstrom. George Bush: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom! Ha Ha! [camera pulls out to reveal the General, crouching under the desk while operating the sock puppet] George Bush: Quick General! You're missing the Professor! General: Oh Jesus. General: I think Professor Leibstrom had better explain this. (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello! Bush: Oh, I get it. The General leaves and then you come in. Don't think I know what's going on, because I do! General: (as Professor Leibstrom) You do? Bush: You two had a fight! General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Uh... yeah, that's right. Bush: Oh, Professor Leibstrom, you shouldn't fight with the General. Fighting never solves anything! [Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is staring at a painting of himself] George Bush: General, this mirror isn't working. General: Sir, that's a painting. George Bush: But it-- General: No time to explain, Sir. I have an urgent call for you on the satellite video link. It's, uh... Saddam Hussein. [TV drops down from roof. The screen shows Saddam Hussein in his office] Saddam Hussein: Ah, Mr. Bush. So you want to bomb old Saddam, eh? Fair enough. But would you want to bomb... Tiddles? [a kitten jumps onto Saddam's desk. Bush and the General gasp] Saddam Hussein: Or Fluffy? or Tufty?! Yes, gentlemen, from now on myself and all military targets will be protected by a kitten shield. [stroaking kittens] Won't they? Yes they will! Yes they will! End Transmission. George Bush: Can I have one, General? I gotta have one of those cute furry things! General: If you insist, sir. [General gives Bush a fake, Saddam-style mustache] George Bush: Yeah! [turns to painting] Awww, but I don't look no different. General: Oh, Hairy Moses! [Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is playing with army soldiers and tanks] General: Good news, Sir. Iraq seems to be co-operating fully with UN inspectors. Looks like an all-out conflict can be avoided. George Bush: AW NUTS!!! General: Sir? George Bush: [having a tantrum] I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! All the other cool presidents have had wars! [Starts throwing his toys at the General] General: But Sir, you just had a war, and you didn't even finish that one! George Bush: Well I'm gonna hold my breath until you let me have another one. [Bush holds his breath. His face starts turning blue] General: Oh, now sir! Oh, I think I'd better fetch Professor Leibstrom. [General goes underneath the table and brandishes the sock puppet] General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello! George Bush: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom! General: (as Professer Leibstrom) I know! Instead of having a war, why don't we have an ice cream? George Bush: Yeah, an ice cream! With Chocolate sauce! General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Oh Yeah. George Bush: And a war! General: NO! (as Professor Leibstrom) Sir, nobody else wants a war... except perhaps Britain. George Bush: Let's have a war with Britain then! General: Oh, Hairy Moses! [Bush and General are in the Oval Office in the White House] General: Sir, I must protest in the strongest possible terms! George Bush: General, I'm the president of the United States of America. When I say jump, you jump. General: Hairy Moses. [General starts to jump up and down] General: Mr President, why the jimny do we have to have a bouncy Whitehouse? George Bush: Because all the terrorists bombs will just bounce right off of it. General: (sarcastically) Oh, silly me! George Bush: Look at this! (Bush starts to jump up and down) I can do a star, Egypshine, Bruce Forsite! General: Bruce Forsyth! George Bush: Okay, I'm bored now. Let's play darts! General: NO MISTER PRESIDENT!!!! [a popping sound is heard and the bouncy Whitehouse starts to deflate. Bush starts to cry] General: Well, it's your own fault. {The camera fades and the viewer rejoins after the bouncy Whitehouse has been fully deflated] George Bush: General, I never thought I'd say this... blow up the Whitehouse! (sobs) General: Ugh! (starts to inflate the Whitehouse using his breath) [Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House, where Christmas decorations have been put out. Bush is holding a present wrapped in wrapping paper; the present is in the shape of a puppy] George Bush: Oh, come on General! What is it? [dog in wrapping paper barks] George Bush: It's a book, ain't it? General: Now no opening util tomorrow, sir. George Bush: I promise. General: [the General walks off screen] George Bush: I love Christmas! [alarms go off] George Bush: General! The flashing warning thing's gone off! General? General?! Computer: WARNING: potential hostile inbound. Request action. George Bush: Okay George, don't panic. Now what is it dad used to say? [George Bush Senior appears in a thought bubble] George Bush Senior: Son, don't ever, ever, EVER... press the red button. George Bush: Something about pressing the red button. [Bush presses the red button and the camera cuts to a shot of the moon, where a sleigh passes infront of it. The sleigh is shot down by defences. the General appears] General: Sir, what in god's name is... can you smell roast venison? [The sleigh crashes into the room. Bush inspects the wreckage and puts on some disembodied antlers] George Bush: Look General, I'm a lion! Moo, moo! General: That's uncanny, sir. Bill Gates Bill Gates: Well guys, welcome to the most high-tech home in the world: House 2001. Son: But I just got used to our old place, House 2000. Bill Gates: That thing's completely obsolete. Check out these new features! Wife: It looks exactly like the old one. Bill Gates: Not at all. It's a lot more expensive (sniggers) [Gate's family laugh in the same fashion] Bill Gates: And get a load of this multi-phonic cyber cinema. [Gates clicks on the control panel and a huge screen appears in the room. The screen crashes halfway through deployment] Daughter: Why's it done that? Bill Gates: Try double clicking it. Wife: It seems to have frozen. Bill Gates: It's fine. We... probably just need go out and come back in again. [the family step outside the house and close the door. After a brief moment they all come back in again to find that everything has vanished] Son: Where's it all gone? Bill Gates: Um, it should be here, er... Wife: Did you remember to save it? Bill Gates: I thought I did. Er... don't panic! Wife: Try escape. Son: No, Control-Alt! Daughter: Let me have a go! Bill Gates: Get off! Wife: Don't you press that! Bill Gates: LET ME JUST TRY SOMETHING!!! [Gates hits the control panel and a Windows like text box appears in front of them] Son: It says the house has performed an illegal operation and will... [the house disappears and the family are in the desert, where their house used to be] Bill Gates: Don't worry guys, I'm already working on House 2001.1! Michael Jackson TV announcer: Blackpool-0 Silicon-0 Botin-0 Birmingham-1 And that's all the scores we have in football today. Johnny Vegas: I'm sorry Monkey, it's over. I can't afford to keep you no more. Monkey: Please Johnny, don't put me down! Johnny Vegas: Don't worry, I got you a nice new owner. Michael Jackson: Howdy there, Bubbles 2 Monkey: Please! Put me down! Shoot me now! Michael Jackson: Where does my hand go? Monkey: Owww! Michael Jackson: I was ganna say that. Voice Over: Michael Jackon's parenting tips #43. Michael Jackson: It's important to encourage your children to take their first steps. [cuts to a scene with Jackson hanging over a balcony, reaching out for something] Michael Jackson: Come to Daddy, Prince Michael the Second. [camera pans out to see a baby balancing on a washing line] Michael Jackson: I don't see any moonwalking. [Baby starts to moonwalk towards Jackson] Michael Jackson: That's my boy, and I've got the receipt to prove it! Anne Robinson Anne Robinson: It's time to vote off... the Weakest Link. [all four contestants vote for Anne Robinson] Anne Robinson: Peter, Why Anne? Peter: Your air of superiority is totally phony and you always cut people off ---- Anne Robinson: Sue, why Anne? Sue: Well, you're not scary, and you mis-pronouce everything. Anne Robinson: Joremy, why Anne? Jeremy: You got the IQ of a squirrel. Mike: And the looks. Anne Robinson: I am the Weakest Link, goodbye. Michael Schumacher Michael Schumacher: *sitting next to the cot of Baby Schumacher* Okay Baby Schumacher, it is time for your 7:30, I'll begin. *opens the book and cleared his throat* Zhe Tortoise and Zhe Hare. Vunce upon a time, there vus za tortoise...errmm...Let's call him Coulthard...and za hare called Schumacher... Hare Schumacher, and zay decided to have a vace...So as the vace begins, zhe Hare vus very confident that he had the upper advantage to the tortoise, and vould surely vin. And he vus vight! He did vin. Baby Schumacher: But daddy, does the tortoise win next times? Michael Schumacher: No! Ze tortoise never vins! Ze hare vins over and over and over again, that's vat makes racing more interesting! *sees Baby Schumacher already fast asleep through boredom* Oh. Seaman, David [Seaman is in the supermarket, browsing for shampoo] David Seaman: Let's see here: Greasy hair? Normal hair? Stupid Hair? Ah, F**king Stupid Hair! [Seaman puts the shampoo in his shopping trolly] David Seaman: That's the one! Posh and Becks [The dining room all dirty of porridge. Victoria and Romeo are sitting there. David comes in the dining room] David Beckham: How's the feeding going? Romeo: Oh, she's been an absolute bugger. [Romeo takes spoon to feed Victoria] Romeo: Now come on, here comes the singer into the Versace shop. Open wide. [Victoria takes the spoon, crawls to Romeo and throws the spoon on the floor. Then Victoria and David get angry at Romeo] Romeo: I give up. Jamie Oliver [Jools is sleeping while Jamie is making noise in the kitchen. Jools suddenly wakes up] Jools: Jamie, slow down. Jamie: You rest up love, super-dad got it all under control. Jools: You're trying to do too much. Jamie: All done, I stuffed the chicken with onion and garlic butter and trained the baby's nappy. [Jamie shows Jools nappy on chicken. Baby Poppy cries] Jamie: Back in a tick. External links 0298617 2DTV Category:UK adult animated TV shows Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows Category:UK adult animated comedy TV shows Category:UK satirical TV shows Category:Cancelled shows Category:ITV shows