Army of Darkness

thumb|Hail to the king, baby. Army of Darkness (also known as Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness) is a 1993 film about a man who is accidentally transported to 1300 A.D., where he must battle an army of the dead and retrieve the Necronomicon so he can return home. It is a sequel to The Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2. Directed by Sam Raimi. Written by Sam Raimi and Ivan Raimi. Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas. Taglines thumb|"I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northland and leader of its peoples.""Well, hello, Mister Fancypants! I've got news for you, pal, you ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town." thumb|All right, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my 'BOOMSTICK!' thumb|It's a trick. Get an axe. Ash My name is Ash, and I am a slave. As close as I can figure, the year is 1300 AD, and I'm being dragged to my death. Wasn't always like this. I had a real life once, a job. [now Ash is in a flashback] Hardware, aisle twelve. Shop smart: shop S-Mart! [back to monologue] I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda. [Flashback: Ash and Linda at the cabin] Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. [something crashes through the window of the cabin and Linda screams] It took Linda, and then it came for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. [Ash is seen cutting off his hand] But that didn't stop it. It came back... Big time. [Ash gets pulled into the vortex holding onto the doorway] For God's sake! How do you stop it?! [after climbing out of pit dungeon, to Lord Arthur] You know, your shoelace is untied. [punches Lord Arthur knocking him to the ground, to the spectating knights and commoners] Alright, who wants some? Who's next, huh? [walks to them with a come-here gesture] How 'bout it? Who want some?! Huh? Who want's to have a little? [points to balding man] You! You want some more? [man shakes head and Ash raises finger to ear] Huh? You want a little? [balding man shakes head] Do yah, do yah? Do yah want some more? [grabs man's sword and thumps him with it] Huh? [shoves him] Huh? [points at balding man and walks to Henry the Red, pointing] Now get on those horses and get out of hereǃ Let 'em goǃ [Henry the Red slaps Ash's shoulder in gratitude, laughs and rides away] All right, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my 'BOOMSTICK!' [continuing nonchalantly] It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart: shop S-Mart... YA GOT THAT?! Now I swear, the next one of you primates even touches me... [yells, shoots at the pit Deadite, then shoots again] First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. [spits out grape seed] Blow. Yo, she-bitch! Let's go! It's a trick. Get an axe. [trying out his new prosthetic gloved hand] Groovy! [about to kiss Sheila] Gimme some sugar, baby. Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun. Three books? Wait a minute... hold it. Nobody said anything about three books! Ooh, that stinkin' wiseman! He was so busy fillin' me full of his secret little words and his phrases and his BULLSHIT, that he never said anything about this! Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N [clears his throat into his hand, then pauses] Okay... that's it! A man's body is his own personal property. Don't let anybody try and take that away from him. [to body of Evil Ash] That'll teach you. Yeah, that'll teach you. [throws body in hole] Hey, what's that you got on your face? [throws dirt onto Evil Ash's face] Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth! Three books?! Wait a minute. Hold it. Nobody said anything about three books. Like... like what am I supposed to do? Take one book, or all books? Or... or what? You... I'll get back to you. Well, it seems fairly obvious. Ooh, wait a minute... the words... right, right, right. Say the words. CLATOO... VERATA... N... Nicty, Nictor, Nicle... It's an "N" word. Definitely an "N" word. OK than. That's it! Hey, wait a minute. Everything's cool. I said the words! [riding horse] I'm through being their garbage boy. I did my part. Now I want back, like in the deal. [to Lord Arthur's castlers congratulating him on retrieving the necronomicon] Get the fuck outta my faceǃ [upon approaching skeleton army] There's so damn many of themǃ [crushing skeletons with boulders] OH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT! [sets "Evil Ash" on fire, then swings towards him on a rope] TALLY HOOOO! [kicks him off the castle wall] [final monologue] Sure I could've stayed in the past. Could've even been king. But in my own way, I am king. [Last Lines (Theatrical Cut)] Hail to the king, baby! [Last Lines (Director's Cut)] Oh God...! No! NO! I SLEPT TOO LOOOOOOONG!!!!!! How about some hot chocolate? huh? "Evil Ash" You shall never retrieve the necronimiconǃ You'll die in the graveyard before you get itǃ [when Ash is burying him] I'll come back for you! Dig, damn you! Dig faster! I shall command every worm-infested son of a bitch that ever died in battle! [resurrected from grave] I... Live... Againǃ [to skeletons digging in graveyard] Dig, damn youǃ Dig fasterǃ I shall command every worm-infested son of a bitch that ever died in battleǃ We shall storm their castle and get my bookǃ Hoist, you damnable varletsǃ Welcome back to the land of the livingǃ Now pick up a shovel and start diggingǃ [Sheila is brought before him] Gimme me some sugar, babyǃ [picks her up] Now, ain't you a sweet little thing? [kisses Sheila, to Skeleton army] Have you lost your bones, you decomposed gobs? Get thee henceǃ OOH, YOU MISERABLE BAGS OF BONES! PICK YOURSELVES UP, AND SALLY Fagghh- [jaw dislocates; he relocates it] SALLY Fagghh- [jaw dislocates again; he relocates it again] ...sally forth. [to Skeleton soldiers] Come on, you bony devilsǃ Hurry up or I'll send you to the glue factoryǃ [fighting Ash] I'll spoil those good looks! [after being burned and reduced to a skeleton by Ash] I got a bone to pick with you! Sheila [to Evil Ash] Don't touch me, you foul thingǃ Lord Arthur [upon approaching deadites] The moment is almost hereǃ You men not fail me nowǃ Duke Henry the Red We're brothers and a new kingdom shall be bornǃ Dialogue Lord Arthur: Wiseman! Wiseman: M'lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon. He who's is prophesized to fall from the heavens and deliver us from the terrors of the Deadites. Lord Arthur: What? That buffoon? Likely, [raises sword] he is one of the Henry's men! Knight: [to Henry the Red] Kneel, rapscallionǃ Lord Arthur: I say to the pit with him! You shall learn the horrors of the pitǃ Knights: To the pit! Lord Arthur: To the pit! Ash: You miserable bast- [gets grabbed by knights] Knights: Get himǃ Ash: Get off of meǃ Let me goǃ Knights: [Wiseman picks up Ash's chainsaw] You're gonna have a little bit of wee fun, mate. To the castleǃ Duke Henry: You're not one of my vassals... who are you? Ash: Who wants to know? Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northland and leader of its peoples. Ash: Well, hello, Mister Fancypants! I've got news for you, pal, you ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town. Crier: Gentleman, Lord Arthur! Lord Arthur: There is an evil awakened in this land, and while my people fight to their very soul against it, you Henry the Red, waged war on us! [Henry the Red lunges at Lord Arthur and is restrained] Henry the Red: Charlatan! It was you who raised your swords on us. And this evil is fought MY people as well! Lord Arthur: [points] Your people are no better than the foul corruption that lies in the bowels of that pit! Crier: Right, you're no betterǃ Lord Arthur: May God have mercy on your soulsǃ [gates are opened to a pit dungeon] Henry the Red: God's nameǃ What hell-spawned thing lurks there?! Woman: Aye. Into the pit with the bloodthirsty sons of whores! Man: No, noǃ [gets thrown in and a huge blood geyser spews] Heckler: [to Ash getting punched repeatedly by a deadite] How do you like the pit? Isn't the pit wonderful? Ash: So, what's the deal? Can you send me back or not? Wiseman: Only the Necronomicon has the power. And a holy book which we also require. Within its pages are passages, that can send you back in your time. Only you the Promised One can quest for it. Ash: I don't want your book, I don't want your bullshitǃ Just send me back to my own time, pronto, today chop... ː[water gushes past Ash's and Sheila's feet with them realizing the Wiseman is a deadite] Deadite Wiseman: You shall die! [levitates] You shall never obtain the Necronomicon! We shall feast upon your souls! [collapses to floor with Lord Arthur crouching down with extended hand with the Deadite Wiseman's eyes open] Ash: [grabs Lord Arthur's wrist] It's a trick. Get an axe. [Deadite Wiseman gets up and elbow jabs Ash in the face and punches Lord Arthur in the face] Lord Arthur: Guardsǃ Stop itǃ Guards: Catch the witchǃ Death to the witchǃ Deadite Wiseman: Have some porridgeǃ Guard 1: [sprays water in guard's face] Oh, my eyes! I'm blind! Oh, God, I'm blindǃ Guard 2: [Deadite Wiseman] raises a boiling pot over a guard lying on floor] Noǃ Don'tǃ [Ash shoots pot out of Deadite Wiseman's hands]Ash: Yo, she-bitch! [loads shotgun] Let's goǃ [Deadite Wiseman attacks Ash who kicks it away] Ya-hooǃ [kicks, gun butts and shoots Deadite Wiseman who then falls down]Wiseman: If the Necronomicon falls into the hands of Deadites, the whole mankind can be consumed by this evil. Now, will thou quest for the book?! Ash: [to Sheila poking head in door] What's the matter? Raised in a barn? Shut the door. [to self] Probably was raised in a barn with all the other primitives. Sheila: The wiseman says thou art the Promised One. 'Tis said that thou wilt journey for the book to help us, and that thou wilt lead our people against the evil. Ash: Only reason I'm going to get the book is to get home. Sheila: I believe that thou wilt be leaving in the morning. Ash: Don't touch that, please. Your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and... things with molecular stucture in the... What are you doing here, anyway? Sheila: I wanted to say that all of my hopes and prayers go with you, [holds out blanket] and I made this for thee. Ash: Good, I need horse blanket. [Sheila slaps him in the face and he follows Sheila to door grabbing her] Give me some sugar, baby. [kisses her]Wiseman: This path will lead you to an unholy place, a cemetery. There, the Necronomicon awaits. When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite the words "[[w:Klaatu (The Day the Earth Stood Still)|Klaatu Barada Nikto"ʼ. Ash: "Klaatu Barada Nikto." Okay... Wiseman: Well, repeat them. Ash: [exasperated] "Klaatu Barada Nikto". Wiseman: Again! Ash: I GOT IT, I GOT IT! I know your damn words, all right?! Now you get this straight, the both of ya: if I get that book, you send me back. After that, I'm history. Mini Ashes: [behind Ash crouching in front of fire place] Hey, let's scare this guy good, come on. [mini Ashes pick up a fireplace trident with the front mini Ash screaming;] Ramming speedǃ [They run the trident into Ash's rear end who screams and jumps up banging head on beam] Ready, aim, fireǃ [discharges shotgun missing Ash]Ash: [attacked by miniature versions of himself] Oh, you little bastards! All right! I'll crush each and every one of ya! I'll crush you to PIECES, I'm telling ya! I'll squash you so hard, you'll have to look up to look down-- "Mini Ash": Hey, dumbass! [drops a bucket down onto his head] Surf's upǃ [running with broom] Let's get him nowǃ [causes Ash to lose his balance]Ash: [pushes log which launches mini Ash into fireplace] Oops. Ash: What are you? Are you me? "Evil Ash": "What are do? Are you me?" HAHAHOOHOOHOOHOO! You sound like a jerk! Ash: Why ya doin' this, huh? "Evil Ash": Oh, you wanna know? 'Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! [doing a taunting dance] You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! [begins to sucker-punch Ash] Little goody TWO-SHOES! Little goody TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE! [honks] LITTLE GOODY TWO-SHOES! HEHEHE--[from the Theatrical Cut]Ash: [fires shotgun at "Evil Ash"] Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun.[from Director's Cut]Ash: [cocks shotgun, points it under "Evil Ash"'s nose and fires] I ain't that good. Castle rampart guard: [spotting Ash returning] Hey, the Promised One! The Promised One has returned! Castlers: He is the Promised One! He brought the Necronomicon! Ash: Yeah, great, great. Get the fuck out of my face. Wiseman: The Necronomicon quickly. Did you bring the Necronomicon? Ash: Yeah, it's... it's just that... Wiseman: Just what?! Ash: Nothing. Here. Now send me back, like in the deal. Wiseman: When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words? Ash: Yeah, basically. Wiseman: Did you speak the exact words?! Ash: Look, maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no, but basically I said them, yeah! Wiseman: Dung-eating fool! Thou hast doomed us all! When thou misspoke the words, the army of the dead awoke! Ash: Now whoa, whoa, whoa right there, spinach-chin! You said that you can clean this mess up, once you got that book. You said there's a passage in there that can rid this thing and send me back. Wiseman: It's true. The book still possesses the power to send you back, but to us... It is useless! The evil has a terrible hunger for the Necronomicon! And it will come here, to get it. Ash: We had a deal. You wanted the damn book, I got it for ya. I did my part now you send me back! Lord Arthur: Very well. As we are a men of our word we shall honor a bargain. The Wiseman shall return you to your own time. Ash: Yeah?! Castler: We thought he was the One. Ash: Yeah, right. 'Cause that was the deal. So, when do you think we can... Start with all the thing and the... Castler: He's nothin' but a traitor, he isǃ Ash: When do you think we can start with all the... Ceremony and... You know, like... You know, 'cause... Sooner's always better than later, right? Wiseman: [turns and walks away] Wretched excuse for a manǃ Lord Arthur: The wise men were fools to trust in you. [walks away]Castlers: I knew he couldn't be trusted. We put our trust in him. We put our trust in himǃ Sheila: I still believe that thou will help us. Ash: Oh, Sheila, don't you get it? It's over. I didn't have what it took. So long. Sheila: You would leave me? Ash: Cripes, I don't belong hereǃ I've got a chance to go back and I'm taking itǃ Sheila: But what of all the things that we've share? What of all the sweet words that you spoke in private? Ash: Oh, well... That's just what we call "pillow-talk", baby. That's all. Sheila: It was more than that. I still have faith in thee. I still believe that thou wilt stay and save us. Cowardǃ [turns, walks with a winged demon arriving and apprehending her]Scout: My Lord, an army of the dead gather in the wilderness, and they approach the castle. Lord Arthur: How far from here? Scout: 'Bout two days' ride. Lord Arthur: Then these winged ones are only the first of them. Wiseman: Perhaps we should leave this place as soon as possible? Man 1: We can be safe in the hills! Man 2: Yes, the mountains! Wiseman: It is written, Arthur! It is been foretold! Man 1: They'll take our souls! Man 2: I'm afraid! Man 1: They'll swallow our souls! Man 2: And we're about to DIE![Ash silences the panic with a gunshot]Ash: That's it. Go ahead and run! Run home and cry to mama! Me? I'M THROUGH RUNNING! I say we stay here and fight it out. Lord Arthur: Are all men from the future loudmouthed braggarts?! Ash: Nope. Just me, baby. Just me. Lord Arthur: How will we fight an army of the dead at our castle walls? How will you fight that? More words?! Most of our people had already fledǃ We are but 60 menǃ Ash: Than we'll get Henry the Red and his men to fight with us. Now... [holds out guns] who's with me?! Castler man 1: I'll stand by yah. Castler man 2: [raises torch] You can count on my steel. Castler man 3: [raises sword] I'll offer up my courage. Me sword's by his sideǃ Castler man 4: I'm with youǃ I'll bend my bow to your will, sirǃ Castler man 5: And mine! Castler men: We'll stayǃ [chanting] Hail, hail...ǃ Possessed Ash: Well, my dear... say hello to the boys. Possessed Sheila: [lifts up hood] I may be bad, but I feel... good. Possessed Ash: Who rules?ǃ Skeleton army: To you, my Lordǃ Possessed Sheila: You, sir. Possessed Ash: To the castleǃ Skeleton army: [raises weapons] The castleǃ Castler man 1: The men are afraidǃ Castler man 2: It's too perilous Ash: Quit your belly achingǃ I know you're scare. We're all scaredǃ But that doesn't mean we're cowardsǃ We can take these deaditesǃ we can take themǃ With science. Possessed Ash: Once I get the necronomicon, I shall rule, [Possessed Sheila] and you shall be my queen. [holds out hand and grunts to an unattentive Sheila, who complies]Skeleton calvaryman: [to horse] Whoa. [To Ash] My Lord, we have position on both fronts. Possessed Ash: Fine, fine, fine... Where are they keeping my book?ǃ Skeleton calvaryman: There my Lord, beyond the drawbridge and the second wall. That would be the most likely place. Possessed Ash: I will not allow anything to keep me from possessing that necronomiconǃ Now... Bring me forth into the castle! Skeleton calvaryman: Forward! By havoc let them loose the dogs of war! To the castle! Fly, mate, flyǃ Death to the mortals! Possessed Sheila: You found me beautiful once... Ash: Honey, you got reeeal ugly! Possessed Ash: I possess the necronomicon. I've crushed your pathetic army. Now I'll have my vengeanceǃ Castle rampart guard: The red, the redǃ Duke Henry and his men have comeǃ Duke Henry the Red: For king and castleǃ Fly onward to blows, blood, and deathǃ New entry onward, valiant cousinsǃ Deadites approachǃ Possessed Ash: [to Ash] Bloody hellǃ You've spoiled my plans for conquest and now you're going to dieǃ Ash: Buckle up, bonehead, 'cause you're goin' for a ride. [chops Possessed Ash's hand off and accosts necronomicron book]Possessed Ash: No...ǃ [Ash launches catapult of Possessed Ash]Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store. Possessed woman: Who the hell are you?! Ash: Name's Ash. [cocks rifle] Housewares. [then a fight breaks out, and he shoots the Possessed Woman in the stomach makes her fly backwards and lands on her feet]Possessed Woman: [Looks at seeing a hole in her stomach, then gets mad and looks at Ash]'' I'll swallow your soul! Ash: Come get some. Taglines Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas 1 man, 1 million dead, the odds are just about even. They move. They breathe. They suck. Get ready. Get set. Get dead. Foretold by a mystical book. Forewarned by a wiseman. Fulfilled by a wiseguy. Sound the trumpets, raise the drawbridge, and drop the Oldsmobile. They're looking for a few dead men. How can you destroy an army that's already dead? In an age of darkness, at a time of evil... When the world needed a hero, what it got was him. Cast Bruce Campbell - Ashley J. "Ash" Williams/"Evil Ash" Embeth Davidtz - Sheila Marcus Gilbert - Lord Arthur Ian Abercrombie - Wiseman Richard Grove - Duke Henry the Red Timothy Patrick Quill - Blacksmith Michael Earl Reid - Gold Tooth Bridget Fonda - Linda Patricia Tallman - Possessed Witch Ted Raimi - Cowardly Warrior/Second Supportive Villager/S-Mart Clerk See also The Evil Dead Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn Evil Dead (2013 film) External links 0106308 Army of Darkness army_of_darkness Army of Darkness Category:1993 American films Category:Cult films Category:Films about demons Category:Evil Dead Category:Fantasy films Category:Films directed by Sam Raimi Category:Screenplays by Sam Raimi Category:Sequel films Category:Time travel films Category:Zombie comedy films Category:Films set in castles