Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

[The film begins with a flyby of the Satellite of Love, orbiting over Earth. We then cut to Mike finishing up his daily running exercise. Gypsy, who's holding a towel, watches Mike as he finally finishes his morning routine and goes for a human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister.] Gypsy: Mornin', Mike! Mike: [exhausted] Oh, morning, Gypsy! What have you got for me? [drinks water from the human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister nozzle] Gypsy: Oxygen-nitrogen mixes within required standards. We are currently at low-orbit over Southern Madagascar, and that wonderful smell, there's a lamb roast I have in the oven. Mike: [taking the towel from Gypsy and dries his sweat off from his face] And sweet yams? Gypsy: Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's weather service reports! [Mike and Gypsy stroll over to the main desk] Here's a hard-copy! [gives a hard-copy version of the satellite's daily newspaper to Mike, which whom he starts reading] The Cubs lost again. Servo: [comes out of one of the desk's pothole hatches] Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, why, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love, today? Hm? No dangerous problems or horrible mishaps in sight? Hm? Mike: No, Tom. Everything appears nominal. Servo: Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So, I guess that means you're not worrying about what that rhythmic pounding might be? Mike: [listens to the sound/noise] Yeah, what is that? Servo: Yeah, what is that, hm? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you, this is not something you should be hearing. Something's causing this, Mike. Hm? Now, let's think... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here.... Mike: Okay, Tom. Where's Crow? Servo: Where's Crow? Huh. I'm not supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron headed towards the basement with a pickaxe in his hand! Mike: [Turning to Gypsy, alerted] Gypsy, go to Condition Yellow! We gotta stop him! Gypsy: Roger! [familiar Commercial Sign alarm is active] [We cut to Crow in the S.O.L.'s maintenance basement bay, inevitably making yet another escape attempt by digging his way through the hull with a pickaxe.] Crow: [singing It's a Long Way to Tipperary] It's a long way to tipperary... [*Thunk!*] To the sweetest girl I know...! [*Thunk!*] Goodbye to Noah Beery... [*Thunk!*] Hello Harold LLOOOOOOYD...! [*Thunk!*] Mike: [O.S.] Crow! Crow: Huh? Mike: Crow, listen, you gotta stop! Crow: Oh! Hi, Mike! I found a perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth! [*Thunk!*] Servo: [hovering down] Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space! Crow: Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn! [*Thunk!*] [continues singing]Mike: [quickly rushes to Crow] Crow, no! You'll breach the hull![Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out.]Mike: [quickly rushing to something to hang onto for dear life] WOAAAH! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! Crow: Woah, I didn't expect this! Servo: Attaining.... Maximum RPM.... Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... Stabilize! There, that should do it— [gets sucked towards hole] WOOOAAAAAAAAAAH!!![Mike quickly catches Servo, screaming for dear life, by the hand.]Crow: Wow, this is confusing! Uh, Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations?[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]Crow: Thank you! Wow, look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined! Hah![Mike is still holding on to the screaming Servo for his dear life.]Servo: [screaming] WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA-AH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! OHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAHHHHH! I LOVE YOU, MIIIIIIIKE! [*Sproing!*] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!![Servo is pulled out of Mike's hand and straight towards the hole.]Mike: SERVO![Servo ends up landing right-side up on the hole with his hoverskirt.]Mike: [impressed and satisfied] Attaboy, Servo! Crow: I won't do that again! . . . Servo: Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT! Mike: Now, Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts. Crow: Well believe me Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway. Mike: Now, here you go. [pulls Servo off the hole, replacing him wth Crow's helmet that he removed earlier]Servo: [upsettingly] Aw, darn![*Ding! Ding! DING! DING!*]Gypsy: It's time! Dr. F is calling for you![We cut to see Dr. Forrester on the Hexfield Viewscreen, looking through a strand of film reel. Mike and the 'bots wheel in.]Dr. Forrester: Ah! Mike! Robots! I'm feeling particularly evil, because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called This Island Earth! You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently! Mike: Uh, sure, we have! Last week! Dr. Forrester: No, no, no. I think that was more of a curtsy of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... NOW? [cuts off life support systems]Mike: Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— [starts choking][Mike and the 'bots start conforming to Dr. Forrester.]. . . Crow: [panicking] Bowing, sir! Servo: [*Dialogue speed not understandable*][Pleased, Dr. Forrester restores life support systems. Mike and the 'bots get up from the floor.]Mike: Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez! Crow: What a dickweed! Dr. Forrester: Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go? Mike, Crow, Servo: [dejected] Yes... Dr. Forrester: Because I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know... Mike, Crow, Servo: You won't... Dr. Forrester: Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth! [pulls a lever][*Movie Sign Alarm*]Mike: Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN![Mike and the 'Bots rush to the auditorium, screaming along the way, while the camera treks down through the famous Countdown Door Hallway that leads to the auditorium.][Dr. Forrester]: [as Mike and the others call out for the Metalunian they were talking with to come back, and Forrester appears on-screen] ...Wait, help! Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Surprise, like who doesn't have an Interocitor, you collective heads of knuckle? Now get back in the theater, you ninny-hammers! And remember: I know who you are, and I saw what you did. Now scat! [zaps them with lasers from the Interocitor, while laughing evilly] I am the God... I'm the God!! This Island Earth (movie) [Universal-International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth.]Crow: [as they enter] It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had! Mike: Notice how big Japan is? Crow: Oh, who sneezed on the credits?[Universal-International credit appears on screen]Mike: Isn't the fact that it's Universal make it International?["This Island Earth" appears on the screen]Servo: This Island Earth can be yours if The Price is Right![during the opening credits]Crow: Boy, the universe is really cruisin'! Servo: Hey, there's Taurus the bull! Mike: And over there's the Constellation Feces. Crow: Oh, look. Orion is bankrupt. Servo: Shatner, Shatner, Shatner... No, he's not in this one, we're safe! Servo: When in California, be sure to visit beautiful...[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]Servo: ...oh. Crow: [as golf announcer] It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital. Mike: Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park![The camera pans over a shot of a city with a baseball field being in the middle of the shot.]Crow: Hey! You can see the Cubs losing![The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]Servo: Oh jeez, there's soccer teams laying all over the place![Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]Mike [as Meacham]: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor. Servo: Early LSD tests in the Air Force.[Joe running towards the Jeep]Crow: Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY![In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]Mike: Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose. Dr. Meacham: Lowering the cylinder. Servo [as Meacham]: Inserting the breakfast pastry. Crow [as Narrator]: [darkly] The secret government Eggo project. Servo [as Meacham]: Contact Dr. Jemima! Mike [as Meacham]: God, I love the blueberry ones best.[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction. Servo [as Meacham]: Start warming the syrup! Mike [as Meacham]: Yum![Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. Crow [as Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noises and put more science stuff around.Are you sure about this, Crow? Is this going to apply in other future Sci-Fi films, like Star Wars, of course? . . .[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity![A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]Mike: Fries are up! Joe: Here's something my wife could use around the house. Crow: A man? Meacham: This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal. Crow [as Joe]: No, sir. That's paper![Dr. Meacham and Joe have just upacked the parts to the Interocitor.]Servo: But before unpacking – D'OH! Meacham: There are 2,486 parts.[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]Crow [as Joe]: Uh, 485, sir![As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]Joe: Where do we start? Meacham: Right here. [points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]Mike [as Meacham]: At Goofy Clown Face! Joe: You know what my kids would say... Servo: [interrupting] "You're not my real father!" Joe: "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!" Meacham: Plug it in, Joe. Mike: Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe. Exeter: My name is Exeter. Mike [as Exeter]: Doug Exeter. Exeter: Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson. Servo [as Exeter]: No, farther towards the killzone, please! Crow [as Exeter]: Yeah, God I'm good![Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor.]Servo [as Meacham]: Dear God, I left the iron plugged in![Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up.]Crow [as Joe]: Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope![The Interocetor is now ablaze.]Servo: Quick, get the baking soda! Mike: Boy, the landlady's going to be mad! Servo [as landlady]: [imitates knocking noise] Are you boys cooking up there?! Mike: No! Servo [as landlady]: Are you building an Interocetor?! Mike: [casually] NO![Meacham pushes a microphone-like Geiger counter probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]Mike [as Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?[Brack enters the scene]Mike: Hey, Charlie Rich! Crow: He goes through a lot of Brylcreem.[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]Crow [as Adams]: Don't mention his head. Exeter: Dr. Meacham! Good morning! Meacham: Good morning. Exeter: Please, come in. Both of you. Servo [as Exeter]: We're glad you could join us at the Buddy Ebsen society! Meacham: What I want to know is... Exeter: [interrupting] Who we are.... why we're here. Servo [as Exeter]: And why do I have a picture of a burger on the wall? Adams: Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death. Exeter: The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams. Servo [as Exeter]: You fine, foxy lady! Steve Carlson: Dr. Adams. Ruth: Yes, Steve? Mike [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap?[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.]Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— Servo [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. Mike [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. . . . Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. Servo [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien![Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack.]Carlson: Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads? Servo: [sarcastically] NO!!! Mike: So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county?[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]Crow: Ness and his men speed towards Capone's hideout![Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, A Flock of Seagulls.[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]Exeter: Place your hands above the rails.[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]Exeter: They're magnetized. Mike [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Exeter: That's enough. Normal view. Mike, Servo, and Crow: [singing in time with the dramatic music] Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW![We get our first look at Metaluna from orbit – and it's a burned-out, bombed-out husk of a planet.]Servo: What kind of shithole planet is this?!? Exeter: RUTH! MEACHAM! Servo [as Exeter]: I LOVE YOU! Meacham: [picks up boulder] Stand back, Exeter! Exeter: Meacham, please! You have to believe me! Mike [as Exeter]: You're holding a Mutant turd! Exeter: [to the Mutant] Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK! Mike: ACTING! Crow [as Exeter]: Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go...[The Mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain.][Meacham starts beating on the Mutant's exposed brain.]Crow [as the Mutant]: OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD! Crow [as Ruth]: Oh, Carl. Servo [as Meacham]: Uh, Cal. Crow [as Ruth]: ... oh, Cal. Ruth: Home... Meacham: Thank God it's still here. Crow: And Friday! Mike: [talking about the Puppet Wrangler credit for Mystery Science Theater 3000] "Puppet Wranglers"? There weren't any puppets in this movie![The name "Rando Schmook" appears in the credits.]Mike: Hey, it's the Amazing Rando! Servo: Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind! Crow [as Rando]: Now, we've never met before, have we?[The name "Julie Walker" appears.]Crow: Julie Walker: Texas Ranger.[Credit for Eastman Film.]Servo: Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando![Credits end with "all rights reserved".]'' Mike: All rights are reserved, Callahan! Crow [as Clint Eastwood]: Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl?