The VelociPastor

The VelociPastor is a 2017 comedy horror film in which, after losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas. Directed and written by Brendan Steere. Man of the clawth.taglines Doug Jones I don't believe you. Dinosaurs never existed, and even if they did, I don't transform into one. Father Stewart So your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you. They're in a better place. Go where you think God will not follow. If you find him there, then you know he's within you. War is war, and war is hell, and hell never changes. Frankie Mermaid Yo, Cherry! If you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you're doing that sandwich, I'd be a fuckin' millionaire by now! Listen, Padre, Frankie-fuckin'-Mermaid smokes where the fuck he wants because his life is on fiyah! Dialogue Doug Jones: What is it that you'd like to confess? Frankie Mermaid: Ah, geez, I guess we could cover the last... four days? I stole candy from this baby, then I threw the baby in the river - so it couldn't snitch, obviously - then, ah, well, I pimp bitches, do drugs, sell drugs, murder people - really, you name it, I've done it, padre. Carol: Last night was... amazing. Doug Jones: Oh. Oh, I see. Let me be fair and say this can never happen again. Carol: So it was just a one-time thing? Doug Jones: Yes, honestly it never should have happened at all. Carol: That's for sure. Doug Jones: Oh. Was it bad? Carol: It was... weird. Doug Jones: Oh. Carol: Honestly, it all happened so quickly. I was very scared, I think I even peed myself. Doug Jones: Oh. Was it your first time too? Carol: Yeah. Doug Jones: As I said, I'm a priest, so we can never say... Carol: What, what are you talking about? Doug Jones: What are you talking about? Carol: That time you turned into a dinosaur and ate someone. Doug Jones: Wait - what? What? Carol: I don't know much about God. Doug Jones: I don't know much about dinosaurs. Doug Jones: You're a hooker? Carol: And premed/law, but people aren't surprised as much by that one. Doug Jones: Father Stewart, what if I told you that I was different? Father Stewart: You're not that different, Doug. There are plenty of men like that in the church. Doug Jones: I might be on a mission from God himself! Father Stewart: That's insane, Doug! God does not want people dead! Doug Jones: Oh, I think God wants a lot of people dead. Taglines Man of the clawth. Evolution? Maybe. How long has it been since your last confession? Welcome to the Christ-aceous period. Cast Gregory James Cohan - Doug Jones Alyssa Kempinski - Carol Daniel Steere - Father Stewart Aurelio Voltaire - Altair Yang Jiechang - Wei Chan Jesse Turits - Sam the White Ninja Fernando Pacheco de Castro - Frankie Mermaid David Sokol - War Buddy Ali Kathleen Steere - Adeline Claire Hsu - Chinese Villager Nicholas M. Garofolo - Hobo George Schewnzer - Doug's Dad External links 1843303 The VelociPastor Category:2017 films Category:2010s American films Category:Comedy horror films Category:Independent films Category:Films about dinosaurs Category:Ninja films