Mystery Science Theater 3000/Season 2

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 Rocketship X-M TV's Frank: Welcome to Deep 13. Would you like to try our smooth, creamy Thruster Buster? Joel: Where's Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester? TV's Frank: I'm Frank. I'm new here. As for Dr. Forrester, he stepped out for a moment. As for Dr. Erhardt... he's missing. [In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending] Crow: Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule. Joel: Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned? Dr. Forrester: We couldn't get it! Rocketship X-M (movie) Lisa: How do we stand on fuel now? Crow: I'm for it. [As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…] Servo [as Astronaut]: Well...that could have gone better. Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard! Crow [as Other Astronaut]: Nonsense! Servo [as King Arthur]: Run away! Run away! Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore! [Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.] Servo [as Shaggy]: Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby! Crow [as Mr. Wizard]: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome! Servo [as Mr. Wizard]: Time for zis vun to come home! [As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back] Crow: Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets. The Sidehackers The Sidehackers (movie) [Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect] Joel: This grass... It's... drugged! [Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack] Crow: It was about that time the Duke boys decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about. Paisley: Why can't I reach you? Crow: There's a ladder in the way. J.C.: [after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious] I treated you like a brother! Crow: Not a good brother... Big Jake: He hit Big Jake! [camera pans across Rommel and his crew, spending a lot of time on a patch of rocks] Crow: We're rocks and we're smarter than the rest of the cast. Crow: For those of you keeping score at home, Rita is dead. This is in the edited version of the episode as it doesn't show the disturbing scene of Rita being raped and murdered due to the scene traumatizing the MST3K cast members during recording. Jungle Goddess The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short) [Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.] Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: I forget who did what here. I say, "Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out." Jungle Goddess (movie) [Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-Superman George Reeves) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.] Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy. Joel [as Mike]: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet. Greta: Did you study your spelling last night? Joel [as Wunama]: Uh, dog ate it. Wunama: Uh, yes, yes! Greta: Good. Let me hear you spell, uh... "beautiful." Joel: Let me hear you spell "patronize." Wunama: Beautiful... ah yes... Crow [as Wunama]: Will this be on the final? Joel [as Wunama]: S-L-... Wunama: B-E... Joel [as Wunama]: A-V... Wunama: [struggling] A... U... Joel [as Wunama]: E-R-Y. Wunama: T... I-F-U-L. [the two girls giggle] Greta: That's wonderful! Servo [as Greta]: Okay, now spell antidisestablishmentarianism. [Mike shows the kronotite sample to his partner Bob, who's under a potential death sentence for killing a native earlier.] Bob: No doubt about it. It's kronotite. Mike: Are you sure? Bob: I'd stake my life on it. Crow: That's already in the kitty, Bob. [Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.] Bob: [sarcastic] White goddess having trouble? Crow: White fascist getting smart? Catalina Caper Catalina Caper (movie) Bob Draper: Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper. Don Pringle: Don Pringle. Crow [as Don]: Heir to the potato chip fortune. [On the Catalina ferry Little Richard performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.] Crow: Little Richard? I hate impressionists! . . . Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this! Joel: I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs! Crow: Little Richard: the one true talent in this film! Katrina: His name is Angelo. Servo: He's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. [On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.] Servo: I feel a number coming on… Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick! Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something. Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina! Rocket Attack U.S.A. [On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.] Joel: All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? [Servo buzzes in] Tom Servo of Oak Ridge! Servo: Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover? Joel: Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please? Servo: [screaming] DUCK AND COVER! Joel: Is right for five points. The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short) Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie) [U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.] Manston: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others. Joel [as Manston]: That's why we've got to crush them! [Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.] General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen. Joel: You mean an actor becoming President? [General Watkins answers his phone.] General: Hello? Joel [as voice on other end]: Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear? General: Yes! Crow: [After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park] Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence! [Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.] Manston: Did Lars give you the TNT? Crow [as Tanya]: He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A. [New York has just been nuked.] Crow: It turned the Big Apple into applesauce. [The very first MST3K "stinger"] Blind Guy: Help me. Ring of Terror Ring of Terror (movie) [College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.] Joel [as Moffitt]: Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40. [He puts on a sweater.] Servo [as Moffitt]: Let's see… [groans] …ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today. Crow [as Moffitt/Old Man]: I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey… [The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk] Crow: I'm a lamp. Professor Rayburn: However strong we may feel... Joel [as Rayburn]: Our bones are very brittle. Professor Rayburn: ... some of us cannot overcome certain inner emotions. Joel [as Rayburn]: Like love. Professor Rayburn: When we view an autopsy of this kind, let me say to you to feel free to leave the class. Servo [as Rayburn]: To do the technicolor yarn. Joel [as Rayburn]: To blow chow. Crow [as Rayburn]: To chuck the chow on the white porcelain throne. Servo [as Rayburn]: To summon the earl. [during an autopsy] Joel [as Rayburn]: Now earlier today, I baked a corpse at 425 degrees. Professor Rayburn: Then we follow with an abdominal incision... Servo [as Rayburn]: And a light lemon-chiffon sauce with shallots. Professor Rayburn: We have now exposed the gastrovascular cavity... Crow [as Rayburn]: Which should be stuffed with a sage dressing. Professor Rayburn: We have cut through the epidermis, and you see this yellow mass. That's the fatty tissue... Servo [as Rayburn]: Which should be whipped into stiff peaks. ... Professor Rayburn: Well, it's not very pleasant to look at, I must admit... Crow [as Rayburn]: But with rice, and the correct seasoning, you've got a wonderful meal. ... Professor Rayburn: Mr. John Doe has rendered posthumously a great service to medical science. Servo: What are showman, ladies and gentlemen! He gave his all! Professor Rayburn: Now he will be transferred to the general mausoleum of the Raven Hills Cemetery... Crow [as Rayburn]: Where we'll meet for bars and punch. Professor Rayburn: Where he will be stored for about a week in the receiving vault. Servo: These are the battered faces of men in their 40s. Professor Rayburn: He will probably be buried there in Potter's Field. Joel [as Rayburn]: You've been a wonderful audience! Enjoy the buffet! The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short) [Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube] Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: It's called a Rubiks Cube. Don't screw it up! Wild Rebels Wild Rebels (movie) [Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.] Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm. Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting. Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac. Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album? [Jeeter (the biker leader) watches as fellow biker Banjo jealously observes someone flirting with Linda] Jeeter: Can you boys believe it; Banjo's in love. Crow: [as Jeeter] Okay, would you believe- mildly infatuated? H-how about a school-girl crush? [The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.] Servo: Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood. Joel [as Adman]: You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time! [The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.] Servo [as Banjo]: Not this way, man, my mom will see me! [A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.] Crow: Hey, look! Erik Estrada! Lost Continent Lost Continent (movie) [A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.] Crow: Oh, look! A V-2! Tom: Aw, I could've had a V8! [As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.] Nolan: Aren't you coming with us? Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo! Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong. Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god! Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time. [During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence] Crow: Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film! Crow: Come on, God, why, why, why?! [groans] Servo: This is-this is a madhouse, a madhouse! [groans] Joel: Ugh, I never knew mountain time was so slow. Servo: Please. Lt. Danny Wilson: Stay with me, baby. Crow: Come on, "stay with me, baby", is that all you can say?! [sobbing] Servo: Kill them all, kill them, please, kill them! [sobbing] Joel: Come on, hey you guys, calm down. Hey, it's only a movie, we can handle it. Okay? [pause] WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE WE? CAN WE GET A FRAME OF REFERENCE OR SOMETHING?!?!? PLEASE!!! The Hellcats The Hellcats (movie) Biker: [to Ross Hagen] Where ya from? Servo: Sidehackers. Artist: [Stumbling around drunk and high] Roses are green. Violets are red...' Joel [as Artist]: I like to shoot heroin straight into my head. King Dinosaur Dr. Forrester: [after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake] I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist! Crow: [while the SOL crew laugh] Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn). Joel: This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. [pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench] Works every time! [Joel flails around a lemur puppet on a table while Crow and Servo sing] Servo: It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine. Joel: Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun! Crow: Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more. Joel: That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. [as Joey] You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me! Servo: Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine. Joel: [as Joey, hitting Servo] Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story. Servo: [singing] Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks! Joel: [as Joey] Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way. ... Servo: L is for "Lemur"... Joel: [as Joey] L is for Lemur- 'nuff said! Crow: E is for "eat". Joel: [as Joey] E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure! Crow: M is for "monkey"! Joel: [as Joey] M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show! Servo: U is for "unusual"... Crow: ...and "unpredictable"! Joel: [as Joey] Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on Johnny Carson's sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go! Servo: [uneasy] Uh, R is for "radical"... Crow: ...and "rambunctious"! [immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey] Joel: [as Joey] Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo! Servo: Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur! Crow: Friend to all mankind! Crow: [musing to himself over the Judge's closing statement in the short- "Are you qualified to pass judgement on Joe?"] Qualified? Hm, what a question. Me- Crow T. Robot- am I qualified? That's a heavy burden. I'm just a simple bot, alone as it were in the vast universe... thing. Could I make a difference? Can I make a difference? . . . Crow: Hey, Cambot; bring the screen in a little, and play that moody music. [jaunty contemplative music plays] What would Joel do in a situation like this? Ah, no- no, I've got to learn to think for myself; to stand on my own two foot-like appendages. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by God, I can do it! Why I... I could start a letter writing campaign, or I could organize a bake sale. Hey... [adressing the viewers] We can all help! C'mon friends, run to your window and shout "I'm really cheesed, and I'm not just gonna wait around 'til things get better"! Go do guerilla theater in the food court of your mall; or dress a little differently, make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Here's an idea, toss some Cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and cover the sordid biographical details of your warped adolescense and then watch the grant money come in; but don't snap-judge me. . . . Crow: [continuing] Parade up and down the streets in your underwear! Impose your ideals on others- it's easy; crush someone with an emotional word or enigmatic look. You decide, you do it... I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision; I'm no good at this sort of thing! It's up to you. I'm passing the buck to you. And now we've got Commercial Sign. [as he calms himself down and the music fades out] Oh, the pain, the pain... [sighs] X Marks the Spot (short) [title card features a large X, with Marks the Spot fading in atop it.] Crow: Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife? Joel: No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name. [Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.] Commissioner Magee: The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan. Crow [as Magee]: If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there. Commissioner Magee: We kill… Servo: Sounds like Commissioner Fudd. Commissioner Magee: …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking. Joel: Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on! . . . Servo [as Magee/Elmer Fudd]: You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite. [The scene fades to an intersection] Narrator: Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived. Crow [as Narrator]: Called "Blood Alley." Narrator: No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down... Joel [as Narrator]: It made you feel happy. [Scene pans to a car approaching] Narrator: Here comes someone from one direction and... [Pan to another car coming the opposite way] Narrator: ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other. Joel [as Narrator]: Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe! [Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.] Servo: Well, I guess he can't be a witness... [Joe's Guardian Angel appears before Joe's spirit] Crow: [as Joe's Angel] Are you George Bailey? Sorry; wrong film. [in Heaven's Traffic Court, the judge (presumably God) is filing over paperwork while Joe's Angel attempts to get his attention] Servo: [as Judge] Dear Diary... it's hard being God. Angel: [while defending Joe in Heaven's Traffic Court] I wouldn't say Joe was out looking for trouble... Crow: [as the Angel] But I did find him down by the waterfront in a Spartan costume yelling "Kitty! Kitty!". [Joe's Guardian Angel prepares to divulge more about Joe as a driver before he's interrupted by the sound of a car crash] Joel: [as Judge] Hang on, you'll want to see this. Servo: [as a wall tally of injuries and fatalities ticks forward for driving accidents] And at halftime, injuries are ahead of fatalities here in New Jersey... [Joe sees this and looks forelorn as it starts to sink in how badly he acted as a motorist] Crow: [as Joe] I'm so ashamed. Joel: [the Judge looks over a list and marks off the name of the presumed accident victim] Looks like Nixon's enemy list. Crow: [as Judge] Hurts, doesn't it? Judge: [addressing Joe's past transgressions as a driver] Incidentally, was there any traffic law he didn't violate? Joe: Oh; I never hit-and-run. Joel: [as Judge] Well, that changes everything! Judge: If you did, then you'd be booked in- [clears throat] Servo: In phlegm? Judge: -in a lower court. Servo: Oh. Judge: You never hit and run? Why that's so despicable of an act, I wouldn't even accuse you of it. Crow: [as Judge, muttering] Never hit and run; why I oughta- Judge: I've heard enough of [Joe] as a driver... Joel: [as Judge] Now how is he as a cocktail waitress! Judge: ...how is he as a pedestrian? Angel: Oh, well that's different: as a driver, he thought he owned the road. As a pedestrian, he knew he owned it. He weaved through traffic like a mouse in a maze. Servo: [as Angel] Squeaking, and calling himself Algernon! King Dinosaur (movie) [the movie begins with a credit for producer Robert Lippert, who the SOL crew are more than familiar with at this point] Servo: Lippert? Oh, yikes! Joel: Mars is extending us a welcome! Servo: French-fried potatoes! Narrator: [introducing the scientists assigned to travel and observe planet Nova] If animal life is discovered on Nova, an expert on zoo-geography would be a most important member. [Dr. Gordon is shown observing a saber toothed tiger skull carefully] On August 10, Dr. Richard Gordon was chosen to fill that position. He became famous for his discovery of the giant prehistoric tar pits near Salt Lake City. Crow: [as Dr. Gordon] I'd say this patient is dead. I'm no expert, but dead is the word. Narrator: [cuts to showing mineralogist Nora Pierce mining sediment out of a wall formation] The study of rock formations and its minerals is a lot like reading the personal diary of a planet. Servo: Yes, it's not very polite. Narrator: Dr. Nora Pierce joined the space expedition of August 27; her doctorate in Mineralogy was awarded for her mineralogical research in the Himalayas. Joel: And she's cute too. [as bizarre sounding horn music plays during the opening scenes] Servo: Whoa; is Cookie the Clown on the premises again? . . . Joel: [smoke pours from the rocket] A new Pope is selected; it's Cookie. [the rocket ship is slowly landing on the planet Nova] Joel: [as John F. Kennedy ] I believe by the end of this decade, we will land a piece of stock footage on another planet. Ask not what a processed shot can do for you. [as Dr. Ralph Martin and Patricia Bennett record their test results and superimposed footage is shown over a tape recorder] Dr. Patricia Bennett: A preliminary biological study made of the air on Nova show the indications of microscopic life not unlike that found on Earth. However, approximately 40% of the bacteria... Crow: Was superimposed. Dr. Patricia Bennett: ...was completely unfamiliar. Dr. Ralph Martin: Tests for radiation gave a reading of approximately 10% above normal background count... Crow: Joel, I'm tripping! Joel: No, it's just a photo-processed... Dr. Ralph Martin: ...less than a tolerable percentage. Dr. Patricia Bennett: Temperature... Servo [as Patricia]: Expletive deleted. 18 minutes was deleted from this tape. I am not a crook. Dr. Patricia Bennett: Although our preliminary tests are in no way conclusive... Servo [as Patricia]: Or any good at all... Dr. Patricia Bennett: ...it does substantiate however that human and animal life as we know it on Earth can exist in the atmosphere and environment of Planet Nova. Joel: The end. Crow: Aw, they taped over the Beatles Berlin tapes. Dr. Nora Pierce: What time would you say it is? Joel [as Richard]: Uh, it's time to kill something. Dr. Richard Gordon: [looking at a flock of birds] I'd say it's about three o'clock Earth time here. Servo [as Richard]: Judging by those birds. Dr. Nora Pierce: ...we don't know how many hours there are on the daily cycle here. You know, this place could move around faster than our Earth. Dr. Richard Gordon: Well let's figure for three o'clock anyway. That's gives us about three or four hours before dark. Joel [as Richard]: Besides, I've decided I'm the new God of this planet. [one of the scientists sees a superimposed wasp descend upon their campsite] Crow: [as scientist/Martin Brody] I'm gonna get a bigger shoe. We're gonna get a bigger shoe, right? [as Nora and Richard come upon a barren part of the mysterious island] Dr. Nora Pierce: What a desolate, forsaken place. Crow: What a stilted, pretentious line. [while the scientists attempt to flee from a iguana dinosaur with their kinkajou lemur in tow] Servo: [to the "dinosaur"] Hey, come over here! You wanna meet Joey? Joel: [as Joey] No!! I told you this would happen! Please, I abhor you! Get out of here! [Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" iguana T. rex.] Dr. Bennett: Oh Ralph, what is it?! Crow: [yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up! Servo: [as everyone scrambles to flee the island as an atomic bomb ticks away to detonation] Anybody got the time? It's a little matter of an atomic bomb. Joel: [in a sing-song voice] Your careers are finally almost over! You'll never be in another film! You may end up in the Psychotronic Film Guide! [as the atomic explosion kills all the prehistoric beasts on the island] Crow: Uh, we did the right thing, didn't we? They'd never surrender. It was right for us to blow them up. Crow [as the kinkajou]: Thanks for annihilating everything I know! Servo: You know, they're only two miles from the blast, aren't they gonna get vaporized? Crow: Hope so. Well it's an atomic bomb-lite actually. One third as destructive as our other bomb. Servo: Ohhhh... Well, score one for Earth. Dr. Ralph Martin: Well, we've done it. Joel [as Ralph]: Not a word of this gets out to the people of Earth, alright? Dr. Richard Gordon: We sure have done it. We brought civilization to planet Nova. Crow: Ha! Was that irony? This late in the film. Dr. Richard Gordon: Let's go home. Joel: Yeah, let's go home and grow some three-headed kids. Crow: Hey, there's a certain glow about June. It's... never mind. Servo: And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery death in the sky, they went home. First Spaceship on Venus First Spaceship on Venus (movie) [Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.] Brinkman: Sumiko! Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]: I will as soon my lawyer gets here. Sumiko: Brinkman! [An uneasy moment passes.] Have I changed that much? Joel [as Brinkman]: Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man! [Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.] Crow [as Brinkman]: Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma. [The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, Blob-like slick chasing them.] Joel: Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him? [Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition] Crow: Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script? Godzilla vs. Megalon Joel, Crow, & Servo: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy! [a badly translated version of the Jet Jaguar theme] Singer: [subtitles] He jock it made of steel Eats sushi from a pail Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar! He mother never really love him He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity He dickey covers up an Adams Apple the size of a Toyota He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid against a rock Knock! Knock! Knock! Who's there? His head looks like Jack Nicholson Don't smile like that, it will stay that way YAHMMMAAHOAAHOAAAUGH! Godzilla vs. Megalon (movie) [At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.] Goro: Hey! The rocket! Servo: [Snorts] Rockets! Crow: On a picnic? . . . Rokuro: Help me! Hurry up! Joel: Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid! . . . [Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.] Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it? Joel: Yeah. Servo: Yep! Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope… [Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.] Jinkawa: [to Goro] Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot! Joel [as Goro]: Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY! [During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot] Crow [as a Narrator]: Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday... . . . [As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar] Joel: They've just created Jennifer Beals. [Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.] Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon. [As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them] Goro: Isn't that Jet Jaguar there? Servo: [Sarcastically] No, it's another superhero of your own design! Goro: They're controlling him. Rok-san: It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla! Crow: Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it! [Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)] Crow: Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission? Joel: Um, no. Servo: Not this kid. . . . Servo [as Jinkawa]: [Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat! [As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting] Servo: I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys... . . . Crow: He's got a foreign object! Servo: He is a foreign object! [As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle] Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]: I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi. [Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.] Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar! Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk? Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die! Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there. [Megalon is taunting Godzilla.] Servo [as Megalon]: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot! [Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.] Servo [as Sportscaster]: Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit! [After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.] Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye! Servo [as Goro]: Thanks for leveling our country! [Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.] Goro: [Into medallion] Jet Jaguar! Let's go home! [Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave] Crow [as Jet Jaguar]: Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house! Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (movie) [Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.] Crow [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here! [Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.] Servo: James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.A reference to the National Lampoon's Kennedy's Fifth Inaugural Issue, the entirety of which is written as in an alternate world in which Kennedy wasn't shot, and stayed President. In this world, Sean Connery never stopped playing James Bond, and is shown in a poster as starring in the latest Bond movie, The Spy with the Biggest Penis You Ever Saw in Your Life, with many Bond girls. [The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives] Crow: Kabob and Ka-Steve!