Mystery Science Theater 3000/Season 4

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 Space Travelers Space Travelers (movie) [The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen] Crow: Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much. The Giant Gila Monster Joel: Hey Gypsy, come here! [Gypsy starts to appear from underneath Joel] Joel: Gypsy, no! It's too small! [Everyone including Gypsy screams as she inadvertently knocks everyone down, including the entire Malt Shop.] Gypsy: These two, nothing but trouble... Back after this. The Giant Gila Monster (movie) [The film's title appears on the screen] Joel, Crow & Servo: [singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila! [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.] Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" Joel: I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" Crow: That's why the Deuteronomy's so long. [While Chase sings, the giant Gila monster bursts through the wall.] Joel [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" [As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.] Servo [as Colonel Kurtz]: The horror! The horror! [The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.] Crow: Aw, they killed off the only likeable character! [Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.] Chase: Two twenties! Servo: That makes thirty dollars! City Limits TV's Frank: It's none other than British pop star, Morrissey!... He's a little depressed. [Frank turns to Morrissey] TV's Frank: So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'? Morrissey: [turns to Dr. Forrester] He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried? TV's Frank: Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing. Morrissey: Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried? Morrissey: This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have wept for hours... City Limits (movie) [Woody and Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.] Woody: I lost a tooth. Servo [as Yogi]: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss! [Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.] Crow [as Woody]: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up. Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny. Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl. [Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can] Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good! Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels. [Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.] Servo: No acting beyond this point. Not allowed. Crow: The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it. [A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.] Servo: Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it does say that Boy George rides in flinging Molotov cocktails. [Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody] Mick: You're nothin'. Joel [as Woody]: Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head. Mick: I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but— Crow [as Woody]: Nope. Pretty much squat there, too. Mick: We ain't stupid. Bolo: Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick. Crow: Not on screen anyway. [The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them] Crow: Oh, Austin City Limits! [Albert (James Earl Jones) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.] Servo [as Albert]: This is F.U.N. Teenagers from Outer Space Teenagers from Outer Space (movie) [The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.] Crow: Wow, really old teenagers from outer space. [Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.] Spacecraft Captain: When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture! Joel, Crow, Servo: TORCHAA!! Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons! Servo [as Captain]: We have the supreme pizzas! [Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.] Thor: Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall." Crow T. Robot: You mean a day? [Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.] Joel [as Derek/Freddy]: [singing to "On the Street Where You Live"] I have often walked down the street before, But I've never done it packing heat before… [Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.] Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons! Crow: Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off! Betty: Where are you from Derek? Joel [as Derek]: A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me". Being from Another Planet TV's Frank: [introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call Tragic Moments, panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog] Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point. ... Dr. Forrester: Others in the collection include He Raises a Hand in Anger, World's Deadest Grandma and Dad's Liquid Breakfast. ... Crow: [as Joel and the Bots voice their disapproval] You should be locked up for being that evil! [Joel is demonstrating his Invention Exchange presentation: a Jack Palance impersonation kit] Joel: It makes anything you say worth listening to; isn't that right? Crow: [using the impersonation kit] I just purchased a new shovel today. Its cost: 15 dollars. Believe it... or not. Joel: Or you can use it to scare your friends. [to Servo] Hey, is your name said Jack Palance or Jack Pa-lance? Servo: [using the kit] That- would be a decision for you to make. Choose wisely... [Joel attempts to cheer up Crow and Servo from the rough mood the film has left them in (complete with clowns displayed on the Holo-View screen), only for it to start falling flat] Joel: Y'know, putting all the different fun things in one room eventually leaves you feeling kinda hollow, doesn't it? Servo: [while the holo-clowns look at the group] What are you lookin' at?! [Dr. Forrester jams Frank's Thighmaster through his head as punishment for letting himself be goaded into yet again nearly freeing Joel and the bots] Frank: I may not have been born with a lobotomy, but now I can look like I was. [collapses onto the button to end the experiment] Being from Another Planet (movie) [Watching the title credit] Servo: You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this. Servo: [reading over the cast names] James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem. Joel: Sam Chew [Jr]? Crow: Gesundheit. Joel: Thank you. [two main characters discover a tomb while the camera shifts to skeletal remains with its jaw open] Crow: [as skelton/Martha Raye] Hi, I'm Martha Raye, the Big Mouth! [Peter has brought the stolen mummy crystals to a jeweler for appraisal] Jeweler: Worthless. Peter: Worthless?! Servo [as Jeweler]: Yeah, your career, that is. Peter: What do you mean worthless?! Jeweler: I mean they're not precious. Servo [as Jeweler]: You're precious. Peter: They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man! Jeweler: Well, who told you that? Some hustler in...? Crow: I don't read Hustler. Peter: Forget it! [takes the crystals back] Servo: I'm gonna find those strawberries... Peter: Clown! Joel [as Jeweler]: Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower! [Establishing shot of hospital] Servo: ...and now, Trapper John, M.D.! Crow: Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center! Servo: Yeah! [during a radio show] Linda: And now, a special message for those naughty boys and girls who took the institute's mummy. Here's my in-studio guest, our own Professor Douglas McCadden. Crow: Wow, hot show. Douglas: Thank you very much, Linda. To whom it may concern... Crow: [as Douglas] GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK, YOU SONS OF-!!! [as Linda Flores (portrayed by Shari Belafonte-Harper) is shown working as a university radio disc jockey] Joel: [as Linda] Now here's The Banana Boat Song by a little someone I'd like to call Dad. Crow: [the mummy reappears on-screen] Oh no; it's that thing again! The thing that's grinding the plot to nowhere! [Bill has been stood up by a woman at a fraternity party] Bill: Damn! That's it. I'm through with women! I'm gonna be a priest! [is suddenly surrounded by multiple girls who greet him] Crow [as a girl]: Oh, a priest? We love priests! Joel [as a girl]: [seductively] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned! Crow [as a girl]: Oooh, I'm about to. [one of the scientists rushes to claim a stray crystal for the mummy's (actually a space alien's) device that got left behind] Servo: Big mistake. [the scientist's hand starts to corrode from a flesh-eating virus from the crystal as he cries out in agony] Crow: They're not supposed to melt your hand. Joel: I can't look at him when he's like that. Servo: Hate that; the Claw. Servo: [over the credits] You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here. Joel: Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy? Servo: Worse (than that), worse. Crow: What about Sidehackers? Servo: Worse. Joel: Cave Dwellers? Servo: Worse. Crow: Catalina Caper? Servo: Worse. Joel: Pod People? Servo: Worse! Crow: Hellcats? Servo: Oh, worse. Joel: Daddy-O? Servo: Worse! Crow: Rocket Attack USA? Servo: Worse. Joel: Earth vs. the Spider? Servo: Definitely worse. Crow: Ring of Terror? Servo: Worse! Joel: It Conquered the World? Servo: Uh... yeah, worse! [Some time later] Joel: The Manchingo Coniglium? Servo: [uncertain] Oh, huh? Crow: Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better! Servo: [This movie]'s a ton worse. [even later still] Crow: How about The Castle of Fu Manchu? Servo: Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film! Attack of the Giant Leeches [On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the Hexfield viewscreen.] Clown #1: Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower? Servo: Yes, about a kajillion times! Clown #1: Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash? [Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.] Joel: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal! Clown #2: [to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll? [The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.] Clown #2: [to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!! Crow: Joel, this is getting too weird; you gotta do something! Joel: I'm working on it! Magic Voice: Joel, Do something! I hate these clowns, and I don't even exist! Clown #1: Joel Robinson! Don't you do that! Don't you do that! Joel: [to the Clowns] I have to do it! I HAVE to do it! [Joel finally manages to turn off the screaming deranged clowns from the Hexfield viewscreen, thus putting them out of their misery.] Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short) [Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.] Doctor #1: Fine chap. I wish we had more like him! Crow [as Doctor #2]: Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is! Doctor #2: He'll make a fine Naval officer. Servo: He'll make several of them! Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie) [Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.] Servo: Oh, Mommy! Joel [as Announcer]: Honey West! Crow: Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match. The Killer Shrews [it's Present Time for the Bots] Gypsy: What did I get? Crow: Oh, Gypsy, you didn't get anything; Joel forgot he even had a robot named Gypsy! Servo: [angrily] Quiet, Crow! You want to ruin Present Day by being naughty?! . . . Crow: [later on] What did I get? Me next! Joel: I saved the best for last- I got you... dress slacks from J.C. Penney. Crow: [dumbfounded] ...Oh. Joel: Oh, come on, it's a great gift; you can wear it for dressy or casual... I'm gonna have to get you a nice polo top though... Crow: [crestfallen as the other Bots laugh at him] Thank you for the pants... Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick—and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home. It's called "The Killer Shrews", and it stars James Best from The Dukes of Hazzard, so Frank is excited about it. TV's Frank: Hey, it was my favorite show; what can I say? [Frank has a nasty stomachache from drinking the excessively sugary "Killer Shrew" shake] Dr. Forrester: Here, Frank, drink this. [hands Frank a flask] TV's Frank: Thank you; what is it anyway? Dr. Forrester: An ipecac. [Frank starts spewing as he hits the button to end the experiment] [Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the SOL.] Crow, Servo: [singing] Killer shrew! Killer shrew! Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you! He comes out at night to give you a fright. Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite! Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew! He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough. He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff! Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short) [The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".] Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils. Joel [as Narrator]: Smothered in gravy—Texas style! Narrator: Sheriff Billy's got a hangin' tree all set up for 'em. Crow: Hey, kids, you ever read The Ox-Bow Incident? Narrator: Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day. Joel [as Narrator]: All nine of 'em. Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]: And the crowd goes wild! Crow, Servo: [dully] Yay. [After a successful cattle roping] Narrator: Eight seconds. Joel [as the boy]: Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much. Narrator: He rides that horse like he was glued to the saddle. Joel [as the rider]: I ammmmmmmmm! [one of the kids walks off after being thrown off his horse] Joel: [as boy, indignantly] Go ahead; strip me of my dignity at age four! What are you all looking at?! [Billy Slater is handing out trophies and participation medals to the kids, momentarily shaking hands with one girl] Servo: [as Billy Slater] I loved you in The Parent Trap, by the way. Narrator: Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater. Joel: It's sad, really. Servo: [singing to the tune of Home on the Range] ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!! The Killer Shrews (movie) [The narrator describes the voracious shrew.] Narrator: He must eat his own body weight every few hours… Servo [as Narrator]: …plus a delicious shake. [The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".] Crow [as Announcer]: Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins! [While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.] Sherman: Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here! Crow [as Sherman]: These things make everything look bigger! [Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.] Joel [as Sherman]: I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators! [Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.] Servo: Puppies! [one of the group walks further into the woods to go out on their own] Servo: [in a sing-song tone] You're gonna die from shrew bites; you're gonna die from shrew bites! Shrew bites, shrew bites~! Hercules Unchained Gypsy: [singing] Last nIIIIIIIGHT! [bashes her face into the harp] Hercules Unchained (movie) [Ulysses shoots down a quail.] Joel [as Announcer]: Hardly any animals were hurt in the making of this movie. [Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.] Crow [as Ulysses]: I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Servo: When Kennedys ruled Greece. Hercules: I'm so sleepy I can't seem to keep awake! Servo: Uh, that'd be the definition of "sleepy"! Indestructible Man [the Bots decide to prank Joel by switching their programming around into each other] Gypsy: [as Magic Voice] Commercial sign! Commercial sign; pretty soon! Magic Voice: [as Gypsy] Loading Richard Basehart remark. Richard Basehart remark in 5, 4, 3... Richard Basehart now. Joel: Okay; I think I get it now. Servo: [as Crow] No, you don't; you've gone crazy! Crow: [as Servo] I think you're insane, Joel! [Joel tries to replicate Lon Chaney Jr.'s trademark eye squint, with Cambot zoomed in on Joel's face] Servo: Joel, what are you doing? Joel: I'm doing an experiment. Crow: Oh; I thought someone replaced the monitor with a Jack-o-lantern! Joel: Oh, bite me; it's for- [Crow and Servo do just that] -Ow! Crow: What? You said, "bite me". [the S.o.L. gang hold a parade based around the Undersea Kingdom short] Crow: [narrating as Allen Thick, as Tom Servo floats by as a parade float] And here's a perennial favorite: the lovable Tom Servo from TV's Mystery Science Theater 3000; he portrays Dr. Norton's submarine from- Joel: -The Undersea Kingdom! Did you know it took 18 seamstresses working around the clock for three months to bring the plucky little bot to life? Gypsy: [as the parade Grand Marshall] It is balloon! Joel: And Tom is filled with over 15,000 cubic yards of hydrogen. Crow: I think you mean helium. Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short) Joel, Crow and Servo: [singing to the opening credits theme] Hey, it's the Undersea Kingdom; for you and for me where the men are in dresses! Crow: [imitates Billy] Shut up, Diane! [one faction of the Atlanteans charge through the canyon as their white head-dresses trail behind them] Joel: Hey; it's Jim Henson's Birth of a Nation Babies! [the Atlanteans charge down a hill as the short ends] Joel: Oh; big hill, everybody! [the screen abruptly flashes to a title card for the next episode]They never did get to any future episodes of the serial. Servo: Well, whaddaya know? Indestructible Man (movie) [Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.] Joel: Only millions of Christians. [Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.] Joel: He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's. Crow [as Chaney]: Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints... Servo: [as Lon Chaney] Man; I gotta take an indestructible whiz. . . . Joel: [later, over a scene of a police car] Officers, be on the lookout for donuts! Servo: Joel, those donut jokes are starting to get old real fast. Joel: [bitterly] Oh, pardon me, Tom "I gotta take an indestructible whiz" Servo... [Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.] Servo: Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man. Crow: [as Lon Chaney] I may be indestructible, but I still hurt inside! [Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.] Servo: Oh, please. He should quit his job. Strippers make way more money than cops! Hercules Against the Moon Men [Repeated Lines] Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank: DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!! [TV's Frank gets high from Joel's invention: "Super Freak Out" which consists of him, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy in rock and roll outfits] Joel: What do you think, sirs? Dr. Forrester: I'm a scientist; I don't think, I observe. TV's Frank [high]: See me, feel me, touch me! Dr. Forrester: Oh great, You've triggered a Freak Out in Frank. Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank. TV's Frank [high]: I am the button. [Leaves] [Joel and the bots sing an ode to pants] Joel: What keeps our legs all warm and hot? All: Pants! Crow: What prevents a buffalo shot? All: Pants! Tom: What do they got that I ain't got? Joel and Crow: ...Pants. Tom: Well, you can say that again... Huh? Crow: Gypsy, did you realize that Walter Pigeon was the original Admiral Nelson in the film version of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? Gypsy: No way... Crow: Not Richard Basehart! Gypsy [upset]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! JOOOOOEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!! Joel: [reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper] Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...? Crow: [matter-of-factly] It's really not that good! Joel: Come with me, mister! [grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen] Crow: AAAAAAGH! Hercules Against the Moon Men (movie) [Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle] Servo [as Hercules]: Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of me all day long! [Two soldiers walk down a hallway] Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]: Pizza, pizza. [The Queen of the Moon Men reverts back to a corpse thanks to Hercules interrupting the resurrection ceremony.] Joel: This film has aged me... Crow: I know how she feels. Crow [as Princess]: Herc, you gonna help us move? Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs me my life. Hercules: Now see them both safely back to the city. Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs you my life. [The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.] Joel: It's the Monsters of Rock Tour! [Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.] Servo [as a rock monster]: Don't let him get you over his head! [Shot of barren moonscape] Servo: We seem to be in some sort of Limbo zone. Crow: Rush Limbaugh? Joel: No, that would be more like Hell. [As the sandstorm sill continues] Crow: I SAID SING, DAMMIT!! SING!!! [The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.] Servo [as a rock monster]: Wanna get stoned? [pretended deep evil maniacal laughter] Crow [as Bob Dylan]: Everybody must get stoned! The Magic Sword Dr. Forrester: Well Jimmy Smits, your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of Bert I Gordon. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring sword and sorcery, Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone. [Joel,Servo and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.] Crow: [singing] She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT! Tom Servo: EEAUGHHH! Crow: [continues singing, ignoring Servo] She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED! The Magic Sword (movie) [The knights face an ogre.] Joel: Teddy Ruxpin, no! [George fights a two-headed dragon.] Joel: Lighten up, they’re just puppets! Crow: Hey... Joel: Sorry. [George taps a fellow knight with his sword.] Crow: I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy. Hercules and the Captive Women Joel: [to Gypsy] Richard Basehart! Gypsy: Don't patronize me, Joel! [Frank demonstrates a hybrid lawnmower/baby pram and nearly jostles one of the babies in the Deep 13 daycare] Dr. Forrester: [horrified] Frank! You could've hurt baby Melvin! [Crow and Servo made a Hercules action figure- which seems to have only one action phrase] Hercules: I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. Servo: Okay, we admit it; our action figure's lame- lame! Crow: [crying] We're failures, Tommy; failures! Joel: No, don't say that! You put your best foot forward. Servo: I don't even have a foot! [cries again] Joel: Okay; that's beside the point. You guys tried your very hardest, and because of that, you'll never be failures! [pulls Hercules' voice box cord again] Hercules: You're absolutely right, Joel Robinson. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. Goodnight now. [Joel faints in shock as the show cuts to commercial] [as the S.O.L. crew celebrate having gotten through (seemingly) the last Hercules movie they were subjected to] Servo: Hercules, wherever you are out there in the ancient Greek Pantheon, I just want to say... bite me! Hercules and the Captive Women (movie) [the movie opens with a map of the Greek city of Thebes] Crow: Bonanza! Servo: And if that map burns, it'll be a Greece fire! [Gypsy makes a rare theater appearance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.] Gypsy: Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting! Joel: [trying to hide his amusement] Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie. Gypsy: [catching herself] Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry... [Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog] Gypsy: Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses! Joel: [impressed] All right, Gypsy! Good one! Gypsy: [during a scene where Androcles speaks with Hercules and his Council in Thebes; to Joel and the others] Hey, you guys; I just remembered, I have a million things to do. Joel: Gypsy, you can't leave! You were the one that wanted to sit through the whole experiment! Gypsy: [uneasy] That was before... I knew... and then there were these things, and now I have to go do them. Crow: Well, Gypsy, if you can't stand the heat- Joel: That's okay, Gypsy, run along; it's really fine. [Gypsy leaves the theater as the film continues; aside to the bots] She did her best. I don't want you guys making fun of- Crow: [shushes Joel] Watch the movie, Joel! Crow: [recurring, as Timoteo] I have my rights; I have my rights! It was Harry Callaghan!! [Princess Ismene is introduced; delirious and shackled behind an enchanted section of wall rock] Crow: [as Hercules] Say; are you a captive woman? Ismene: [wearily] Kill me... Joel: [as Ismene] ...with kindness. [as Hercules and shape-shifting Proteus fight, the latter god turns into a lion, growling] Crow: Kitty! Servo: Suddenly it's an MGM film. Crow: [as Proteus, turning back into his lizard monster form] I'm back; I'll be your tour guide through Hell! Ha ha! Joel: [as Servo imitates the lizard yipping] Dino! Steam Dragon; steamin' mad at Herc! Crow: Daryl Dragon. Joel: [as Ismene] I love it when men and lizards fight over me! [over a shot of Hercules laughing mirthfully] Joel: Oh, it's Topol! Crow: The smokers' tooth polish? Joel: No; the hard to work with actor. Crow: Oh. [After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.] Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] The Simpsons... Hercules: [after seeing a vision of Androcles calling for Hercules' help, and prays to Zeus] Oh omnipotent Zeus... Servo: [as an answering machine] Hi; Zeus is not in right now, but if you'd like to leave a message... Hercules: ...Hear my plea... Crow: Not guilty by reason of insanity! Hercules: If Androcles is still alive- Joel: [sung] In the year 3535... Hercules: Pray thee that we might meet again; if it may be in my power to save him. Oh, Zeus, my father! Crow: [as Zeus] I'm not your real father; it was Poseidon! Ismene: Today is dedicated to Uranus. Crow: [as Hercules] Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh? . . . [Hercules first confronts Antinea over Ismene's attempted sacrifice to Proteus, and is assailed by Antinea's forces] Servo: [as Hercules] You're supposed to be nice to me! Today is dedicated to my- Joel: We know! Crow: When in Chicago, visit the coal mine at the museum of Science and Industry on the Lakefront. [one of Antinea's soldiers asks for forgiveness after his men were overpowered by Hercules' son Hylas and Timoteo who rescued Ismene] Antinea: You're right; it won't happen again. Servo: [as Antinea] Because you're fired! Crow: [as a pit of acid opens in the floor] Not the commode! Joel: I knew it; death by chocolate. Soldier: [begging] No; don't kill me! Servo: [as soldier] Don't make me take a bath! Joel: [as the soldier is forced into the pit] You can't do that; I have tubes in my ears! You're gonna get in trouble so bad! Whoa! Crow: It'll kill him, but it'll do wonders for his arthritis. Servo: [as soldier; in the pit gurgling] Is it too late to request a last meal? [the soldier is soon reduced to corroded skeletal remains] Crow: Another Jenny Craig success story. Crow: [as Atlantis crumbles and citizens die in the climax] For Herc, these are just acceptable losses. [Antinea is talking with her daughter Ismene about why she sent her away to be sacrificed] Antinea: On the day a daughter of mine would outlive me, it is written that the sacred texts the Kingdom of Atlantis will be destroyed. Ismene: Mother, you can't mean- Antinea: You must die. Crow: Boy, she's really strict. Ismene: No... I don't want to die. Servo: [mock crying] I want to live! I want to live and laugh and love in life and live! Joel: [as Antinea] You stop or I'll give you something to cry about. [Antinea's guards arrive] Antinea: Take her away. Servo: [as Antinea] And if you don't die willingly, I'm going to ground you, young lady! [as the youths storm Queen Antinea's temple] Servo: Remember the Alamo! Crow: Storm the Bastille! Joel: Give us Barabbas! All: Hell no, we won't go! Attitca! Attica! Atticus...? [Hercules stumbles upon the slaughtered army of youths outside Antinea's temple] All: [as the pile of bodies] We love you Conrad, oh yes, we do... [as Atlantis crumbles in the climax] Queen Antinea: [pleading to a statue of their god Uranus] You must protect me, mighty Uranus! Joel: [as Uranus] Bite me; I'm a statue. Timoteo: [after Hercules falls asleep following a conversation with Androcles] I really would've preferred he hit somebody. Crow: [as Androcles] Well, whatever tugs at your bobber, little fella. Manhunt in Space [during a host segment, the bots are performing a parody of General Hospital, each line punctuated by a sting organ noise] Servo: [to Crow] Peggy, I'm afraid I have bad news for you. Crow: Oh my God; what is it? Is it a hiatus hernia? Servo: No, it's not that. Crow: Is it the heartbreak of psoriasis? Servo: No, it's not that. Crow: Is it a Mo-No on the A-Go-Go? Servo: No, I'm afraid it's far worse than that. Crow: Please, Doc, tell me what it is! Servo: Well, when you were walking down the hall earlier, the back of your hospital gown was open, and everyone could see your butt! Crow: [crying] I'll never live down the shaaaaaaame! Servo: You know, my dear... in tough situations like this in the past, patients found the best thing is to be comforted by me- Dr. Chad Feelgood. Crow: Oh, Chad... Gypsy: [enters as a nurse] You cad! I knew you were cheating on me!! Servo: My dear, I can explain! Gypsy: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I- [to Crow] Hey; nice butt! [Crow breaks down in tears along with Gypsy] Servo: I can comfort you, I can- Joel: What's going on here? Servo: Oh no; it's Joel Robinson! The hard-drinking, heavy-fisted, cantankerous yet lovable hospital Administrator! Joel: No, I'm not! Servo: Oh no, and he's suffering from amnesia! Joel: You guys, listen: I'm not gonna play soap opera with you. When I was 9 years old, my sister made me play soap opera with her. I'm not gonna play soap opera. [Cambot continues playing the soap opera sting music] Okay Cambot, that's it. Alright... that's it! [unplugs Cambot in irritation] Who's next?! [Rocky's second-in-command Winky visits the Satellite of Love via the Hexfield screen, claiming to be a real ladies' man nowadays, while the bots are more than skeptical] Winky's Mom: [after she answers the Bots' phone call to his house] Winky! Telephone! Winky: [flustered] Oh, um... yeah, Clarissa! Why don't ya start; the hot oil's warming up, I'll be right over! Winky's Mom: What?! Servo: [shocked] Oh my- Winky, that's your mother?! . . . Crow: [after Joel cuts the communication from Winky] You think we were a little too hard on him? Joel: Uh, actually I don't think we even got through to him; and for Winky's sake, I hope we never do. General Hospital, Installment 1 (short) [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] Crow: Ah, here comes Nurse-feratu. [An elderly Dr. Steve Hardy appears on-screen.] Crow: Hey, he was old even then! Servo: [as Steve Hardy explains what a hiatus hernia is to a patient] The body sees the hernia as a series of ones and zeroes. Manhunt in Space (movie) [Joel and the Bots riff over the opening credits, briefly addressing casting director Bill Tinsman] Joel: [singing] Oz never did give nothing to Bill Tinsman, that he didn't already have. Crow: [of screenwriter Arthur Hoerl] I wanted to hoerl after I read the screenplay. [Servo makes fake retching noises] [A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.] Servo: Look! It's the MST3K logo! Joel: [aside] Uh, you're not supposed to know about that... Servo: Oh, uh... [whistles innocently.] [Rocky expresses concern for Vena after she hasn't contacted the Ranger team back, while Winky lounges back with a magazine] Winky: Vena's just still on her vacation; as for me, just let me relax with my little black book and the gay nightlife. Joel: [briefly taken aback] Ah; insert joke here. [Rocky Jones and Bobby are discussing the Cold Light technology they plan to use on their journey] Rocky: So you already know from the Professor. Bobby: Yes, we discussed it; and I offered him my opinion on it. Rocky: I'm sure he appreciated that. Bobby: Cold Light should never be used indiscriminately; the gamma rays would be fatal to anyone near it. Servo: [aside] Remember that, folks. [while tag-along kid Space Ranger Bobby is on-screen with Rocky and the others] Joel: [as Bobby, disgruntled] One day, all of you space losers are going to be working for me, and I mean it! Crow: [of Queen Cleolanta] Oh; she's angry when she's beautiful! [the evil Queen Cleolanta requests to her subordinate Atlasan to enter the Prah star system to confront Rocky herself] Atlasan: If that is what you wish, your Highness... Queen Cleolanta: No; it is what I command. Crow: And we know what weight that carries. [after Winky makes a snide remark regarding Vena making him a midnight snack] Crow: Winky thinks it's good to boss around women. He wants it to stay like the 50s forever! Servo: [as Winky] I think she likes me! Tormented Crow: [extorting demands from Joel, who's hanging from the air ducts and begging for help] I wanna be taller than you, and more popular. Crow and Servo: [imitating Vi] Joel Robinson killed us! Joel Robinson killed us! Gypsy: Hey, Tom, Crow, do you guys want to--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [She sees their disembodied heads and leaves screaming in horror] Joel: Hey you guys? What in the world happened over there? I saw Gypsy running away like she'd seen a ghost or something. [Joel and the Bots are left worn out by the film's bleak tone] Joel: It's only a crappy movie by Bert I. Gordon he made to massage the marketplace! Servo: Simply nurturing one's basest instincts and trying way too hard to be film noir! Crow: [crying] Geez, Joel; I'm riding such a major bummer that I just spent a couple hours at Liqour Aisle talking to... Neil Young! TV's Frank: [singing his own version of Joel and the Bots' "Happy Thoughts" song, unaware Dr. Forrester is listening in] ...And Mr. Dr. Clayton Forrester will switch trains at the trainyard and there will be a horrible accident, for which Dr. Forrester will be blamed- posthumously, of course; and then the robots and I will become really good friends and we'll be roommates with triple bunk-beds and stay up all night talking about really cool stuff... [Dr. Forrester drops a live hand grenade and proceeds to leave] ...and they'll think I'm really neat and I'll invite them over to my house- [notices grenade and starts panicking] -a-and we'll camp out... P-poopie! [grenade explodes as the credits roll] Tormented (movie) [Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.] Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me! Crow: Bingo! . . . [At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.] Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me! Servo [as Tom Stewart]: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye. Vi: Save me, Tom, please! Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him. [Tom Stewart goes to check for Vi's body, only to find clumps of seaweed where she fell] Joel: Oh, she turned into a Caesar salad. Servo: Somebody kelp me! Ha-ha! [Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.] Tom: Meg's mad at me. Sandy: She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me! Tom: O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life. Joel: Put her down, Jerry Lee! Vi: [as a ghostly head, after declaring to Tom that she threatens to expose him as a murderer] I told you already- no-one will ever have you but me! Tom: Stop it, Vi! Vi: Try me... [starts shouting] TOM STEWART KILLED ME! TOM STEWART KILLED ME! Joel: [as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me; c'mon, everybody! Servo: [as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me! Now just the ladies; join in! [Tom wraps Vi's head in a sack and carries it outside while she still protests] Joel: [as Tom] Let's go bowling. [drops the sack down the steps of their building] Crow: [as Vi, tumbling down the steps] T-o-om Stewart ki-ill-ed m-e-e! Crow: [at the wedding party for Tom and Meg] It's a jazz musician's party and there's not one black person here! The Beatniks [Joel is aggressively playing Rock Paper Scissors with the bots] Magic Voice: Joel, I hope you're not playing too tough with those two. Joel: No, ma'am! Gypsy: [rushes in with a furious shriek and rams Joel] GYPSY CRUSHES JOEL! MY BABIES! Joel: [bandaged up from Gypsy ramming into him] My achin' noggin... Gypsy: Yeah, Well, serves you right for taking advantage of these little Charm-kins! Joel: Oh yeah? well, you should ask these little "charmkins" what I found oozing out of my pillow case this morning! Servo: Aw, you little baby, it could've been a lot worse! Crow: Yeah, at least we killed him before we stuffed him in there. Gypsy: Enough, you three! Freebie and the Bean are calling. [Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank demonstrate their Good Luck Troll costumes, as Frank protests] Frank: Can we just get on with this, please? Dr. Forrester: Shut up, Frank; or I'll let the dog play with you! [Joel is reading a letter from a young viewer who tells them that his mother is making him write "I will not call my mom a dickweed"] Joel: [reading] Before I start this auspicious task, I must ask in the interest of justice... is dickweed a swear word? Joel/Servo: [at the same time] No/Yes! ...Yes/No? No... no. Servo: Nope; dickweed isn't a swear word. it's clean. You're cool. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed." [Gypsy suddenly slithers past Joel and Servo, screaming loudly. Crow then enters brandishing a knife] Crow [as Mooney]: Where'd she go man, where'd she go?! Joel: Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy! Crow [as Mooney]: I did it for you, Eddie! Joel: Oh great, he's on moon mode again... Crow [as Mooney]: That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you! Servo: That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a hinder to speak of. Crow [as Mooney]: That's it, That's it! [Crow then "stabs" Servo who collapses on the table] General Hospital, Installment 2 (short) Ken: Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey. Servo [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]: Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there... [the short opens with a cake decorated with the word "Congratulations"] Joel: Congratulations, you're one second into the film! Crow: Oh no! The plaster's coming off! Crow: Another alcohol-free party ends in shame. This little playlet is brought to you by the Booze Council, reminding you to stock up on alcoholic beverages for all your social occasions, because booze really satisfies. Joel: Booze takes a dull party and makes it better! Tom Servo: Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds. All singing in unison: B-double O-Z-E, booze! [Crow hiccups] The Beatniks (movie) [as Eddie and the others rob a shopkeeper at the start of the film] Shopkeeper: Don't you ever rob anybody else?! Eddie: Sure; but we like you! Joel: [as Iris, sitting in the getaway car] I thought they liked me. Moony: Hey, I'm no leader. Leaders always got too much on their minds, man! There's just one thing on my mind; one thing. [makes a cracking noise and laughs] Crow: I don't get you. Must be some weird conceptual thing. Eddie: [singing] Leather coat... Servo: ...Dish of ice cream! Eddie: ...duck-bill hair. Crow: [as café patron] Hey, would you keep it down? I'm eating a bagel over here! Eddie: Call me wild... Joel: ...Oscar Wilde! Eddie: ...I don't care! Sideburns, don't need your sympathy. Eddie: [singing] Anything... Joel: ...Is better than this crap! Mooney: I killed that fat Barkeep! Eddie: [recurring line] Shut up, Iris. Mooney: I'm gonna moon you!! Crow: [as Moony] Y'know, hang my butt out! Crow: Then we can ride Yoshi to the Mushroom Kingdom. Fire Maidens of Outer Space [An example of Crow Syndrome.] Joel: Well, anyway, with double entendre, you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: [suggestively] "Say — does this TV have a remote? Mmmmm!" Servo: Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: [suggestively] "Say — check out the arms on this jumpsuit!" Right? Joel: Oh, right on! Woo-hoo! Servo: All right, yeah! Joel: [suggestively] "As far as I know, Lincoln's not President anymore!" Servo: Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [suggestively] "She came back from the store with a bag of apples, and a loaf of bread!" Joel: Mmm-mmm-mmm! Crow: I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—" Joel: Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about. [the dark robot Timmy first appears after Joel and the bots leave the room for first Commercial Sign] Magic Voice: [as Timmy snarls and attacks Cambot] Who are you?! What are you doing here; keep away! Cambot; look out! [the specter-like robot Timmy has trapped Servo in a cocoon on the bridge, while Joel arrives with a broom to hold Timmy back as he attacks Crow] Joel: Let go of him, you bitch! Fire Maidens of Outer Space (movie) Joel, Servo, Crow (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder! Crow: [as one of the astronauts shoots the monster and it lets out a pained monstrous groan] Oh; [it's] Frankenstein! Crow: I question the relevance of this scene. Servo: I question the relevance of every scene. Crash of Moons Servo:Oh, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you! Gypsy: Really? Servo: And I know I'd love you, too, if only we could-- Crow: Why, you haven't a chance with a girl like her. It's me she cares for! Isn't that right, Gypsy? Gypsy: I can't decide. Crow: Can't decide? Well maybe this will help. [At the end of "Gypsy Moons", Joel gets annoyed with Crow starting to sing bawdy lyrics and clamps Crow's mouth down] Joel: Stop! Stop! We hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. And now here's our own Al "Jazzbeaux" Collins with a message. Never again you guys. That's it. Dr. Forrester: DON'T YOU DO IT! DON'T YOU DO IT! I KNEW YOU SENT A BANNER-GRAM! FRANK, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! TV's Frank: Hey, someone sent us a Banner-Gram! Bavaro: Boopie! Dr. Forrester: [screams as screen cuts to black] TV's Frank: Hi, Bavaro. General Hospital, Installment 3 (short) [In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.] Phil: And you choose to make a life with Ken? Cynthia: Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people. Joel [as Cynthia]: Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but… Crash of Moons (movie) [Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.] Rocky: [cadence-calling] Hup, 2, 3, 4! Servo [as Rocky]: We are in a crappy film… Joel, Crow [as Men]: We are in a crappy film… [Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.] Rocky: They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon. Cleolanta: They will tell me where to take my people?! Rocky: No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise. Joel, Servo: [singing] For yooooou! Attack of the the Eye Creatures [Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.] Crow: The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs. . . . Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King. . . . Crow: If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care! Attack of the the Eye Creatures (movie) [Upon seeing the misspelling in the film's title] Joel: Attack of the the Eye Creatures? What, did Mel Tillis write these titles? [an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate] Air Force Officer: Now take off! Joel:...to the great White North! Harold's Girlfriend: Ooh, Harold! Servo [as Harold]: Ooh, Maude! Susan: What if we turned ourselves in to the police? Servo [as Stan]: Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges! [During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.] Crow: [singing] I've got Sammy Davis eyes! [a la Rip Taylor] I've got a million of them! Literally! [While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate] Joel: Now why doesn't that work with relatives? The Rebel Set Servo: [in terror as Joel reads Life's Little Instruction Book to him and Crow] The humor; the humor! Gypsy: [slowly] "A train leaves a station at 2PM, going 90 miles an hour. Another train leaves another station going the opposite direction at 5PM going 60 miles an hour. How long before they meet?" Joel: Oh, Gypsy, that is everything great literature should be: according to Merritt Stone. Servo: [offscreen] HE'S NOT MERRITT STONE! Johnny at the Fair (short) Narrator: Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough. Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny's car rolled and burned. Narrator: There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India. Joel: Simulated culture like Disney World. Narrator: "No, Johnny," says Mom, "we're going to the art gallery." Servo [as Mom]: And you'll like it! Crow [as Johnny]: No! I don't wanna go! Narrator: ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything. Servo [as Narrator]: Besides, the Mariners are playing, so who cares? Narrator: Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, Joe Louis. Crow [as Narrator]: Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems. [Johnny is watching a performing horse show, as the judges' winning pick and her foal trot around] Servo: And Johnny transmogrifies; he's a shapeshifter! And he breaks the Fourth Seal! Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland". Joel: Oh, we've all been there. [Johnny is shown walking around the fairgrounds] Servo: Johnny feels dark hands pressing him onward; the voices in his head get meaner. [An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.] Joel: Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada. [Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.] Narrator: Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down. Crow [as Narrator]: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in. [Johnny spots a flying helicopter.] Narrator: "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!" Servo: What? Narrator: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." Servo [as Narrator]: Visions of the Mekong Delta flash before Johnny's eyes. [Champion figure skater Barbara Ann Scott gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.] Crow [as Narrator]: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." Narrator: Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride. Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady. The Rebel Set (movie) John Mapes: [introduced as he's rehearsing to a acting lessons vinyl] Look, Kate, I am a gentleman. "Kate": That I'll try. Crow: [disgusted] Oh, great; another oily unlikable character! John Mapes: I swear I'll cut you if you strike me again! "Kate": So you may lose your arm. If you strike me, you are no gentleman. Servo: It's Ms. Hathaway! "Kate": And if no gentleman, why then no arm? John Mapes: A herald, Kate! Oh, put me in thy books! "Kate": Ha-ha, what is your crest? [loops] A coxcomb? A coxcomb? Servo: [alongside the loop] A Henry Miller. Joel: [as Mapes shuts off the record] Oh wait a minute; it's a little late for acting lessons. They started filming already. [as the character of Leland is introduced on-screen] Servo: You know who that is? I'll give you a hint- I sing whenever I sing, whenever I sing... Crow and Joel: Oh no! King Invader: [whilst reciting beat poetry] Smell, oh nostrils; hear, oh ears... Cafe Patron's Husband: [sarcastically while clapping] Bravo, old Majesty! King Invader: [in a bitterly sardonic tone] Thank you, old square... Joel: Hey, that would be a good phrase to use on someone who's not very hip. Cafe Patron: [to beat poet King Invader, as she and her husband are leaving] King, we enjoyed it; truly we did. Dear heart. Crow: [as patron] My husband's very hip at home! King Invader: [short pause] I am bugged...! Joel: God of facial hair! King Invader: ...beyond recall! [after thwarting Tucker's double crossing over the ownership of the heist money, John Mapes willingly surrenders to the police, leaving his wife Jeanne behind as the film ends] Servo: So, uh... all this happened because Johnny got lost in the fair? The Human Duplicators The Human Duplicators (movie) [The title screen displays the title backwards...] Crow: Eht Numah Srotacilpud! [...then "duplicates" it normally.] Crow: ...Oh. Gale: So say something! Crow [as Martin]: "Something!" Martin: "Something." Crow: D'oh! ...Got riffback on that one. [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] Joel: Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! Servo: Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. Crow: Oh, don't hit me. [Welles (played by Hugh Beaumont) answers his phone.] Welles: Welles here. Crow [as Welles/Ward Cleaver]: The boys did what? They duplicated Lumpy? [Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.] Crow [as Welles]: There's somethin' plastic about that guy... [Kolos, played by Richard Kiel, "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.] Servo [as Kolos]: I'm huge. [The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.] Servo [as the Professor, quickly]: Oh my God, you're huge. Monster a Go-Go Circus on Ice (short) [The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen] Joel: You got your circus on my ice! Crow: Hey, you got your ice on my circus! Servo: Two bad things that go worse together! [Referencing a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups ad campaign.] Servo: [in response to a clown on screen] Woah, seen him in my nightmares... [Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.] Servo: [singing] These two girls, they make quite a pair. They both come from your worst night-mare. They will haunt your soul forever, And now, When you see pink, You're gonna think, "We're doomed". They are agents of Satan... Joel: [laughing] Okay, stop it, Tom... [A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.] Servo: We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here. Crow [as Narrator]: Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice! . . . Narrator: And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts! Servo: [nervously chuckling] Uh-huh... . . . Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice! [A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.] Servo: Prelude to the afternoon of a murder. . . . Crow [as Child]: Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... [gulps] I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home! Servo [as Mother]: Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun! . . . Joel: Oh, and she skates over her own intestines. [The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.] Narrator: And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness... Crow [as Narrator]: ...and kills them. Monster a-Go Go (movie) [Over the film's title] Servo: Monster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home! . . . Joel: You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one. Crow: Oh, it might not be too bad... Servo: No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it. Joel: Yeah... Crow: [sighs indignantly] C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits! Joel: No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad. Crow: Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate. Servo: It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here. Joel: Yeah, we might as well face up to it... Crow: Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but... [The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.] Joel: [reading] The Other Th? [The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.] Crow: [enthusiastically] Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... [deflating] This is gonna suck. [A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.] Servo: Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum. [Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught] Joel [as Dr. Logan]: That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead. [Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks] Dr. Brent: Why didn't you tell us then? Dr. Logan: I don't know. I was trying to help. Servo: [whining] I was just trying to help. Dr. Brent: Help? You've jeopardized this whole project! Dr. Logan: What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours! Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I'm only a scientist! [The monster walks towards a group of sunbathing women] Servo: [as the monster] Hi I'm from the boy's camp across the lake, our backup generator exploded. [Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off] Joel: [in disbelief] Unbelievable... [Servo bursts out into laughter] Dr. Logan: Hello? [A pause] Yes? Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I made that phone noise. [In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.] Crow [as Col. Connors]: [makes a fart noise] What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me! Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics... Servo: "Oops". Narrator: ..."radiation". Servo: Oh. [the ending of the film as the monster seemingly vanishes without a trace] Narrator: As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked; as if some phantom force in the universe made a move eons beyond our comprehension... Servo: As if we care. The Day the Earth Froze [Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.] Joel: We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us. Crow, where are those nice pants I bought you? Crow: I don't know. Crow: You can't walk around wearing a sports coat without your nice pants! Gypsy: Hey, the light meter, Joel! [Joel realizes too late and the photo doesn't turn out well right as he reaches for it.] Joel: Well to be honest, everybody, we don't know what a Sampo is. Crow: Not a clue. Servo: If you know what a Sampo is, write it on a piece of paper, throw it away and then try not to think about it. You'll be glad you did. All: Sampo! [On the SOL bridge, Gypsy takes the stage wearing a coat] Magic Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting in her one woman show: Gypsy! Joel: Here we go! Crow: Ssshh! Gypsy: [singing] There’s a big frontier out there called life, I ain’t nobody’s daughter, I ain’t nobody’s wife, I’m gonna stake my very own claim of land, And you’re gonna wanna know who I am… I’m Gypsy! Gypsy Rose Me! Gypsy Rose, not you! Not you! Or you! Gypsy Rose… Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! [Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud] Gypsy: Thank you! Oh, thank you very much. You know, we're all traveling; You, me, that little gold guy over there. We're traveling on the big trip of life, and sometimes it turns out we haven't packed the right clothes for our personal journey. :[Gypsy takes off her coat, revealing a pink outfit underneath] "I've been struggling to make ends meet. The social worker stops by today, but we'll get by, somehow..." Thank you. [Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud again. Gypsy takes off her pink dress, revealing a golden sparkling outfit.] Gypsy: "I'm sick of fighting with you, boyfriend! But I'm not going to walk out that door; No sir, I'm going to run out that door!" Thank you, Thank you. [Everyone applauds.] Gypsy: Hey, is my act interfering with your conversation, buddy? [Crow, Joel and Tom laugh heartily] You get three guys together, huh? What, some sort of love connection screwup? [Crow, Joel and Tom laugh again] Joel & Servo: Yay! Gypsy: Oh, thank you, thank you. What a night, everybody! But before I go, I want to tell you a little story; A story about a gal who ran the higher functions of a little satellite in a synchronous orbit, A gal that everyone thought was perhaps, a little slow, a little naïve, a little... simple. But let me tell you something about that gal. She has spirit, she had guts! and most of all, she had a huge heart. That gal was on her journey and when her luggage ended up on another planet, that gal picked herself up, dusted herself off and wore the same outfit 2 days in a row. That plucky little gal, is... me! Here Comes the Circus (short) [The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.] Crow: Heeere comes the Devil! Servo: It's Beezlebub the Clown! Joel: Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short? Narrator: There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals. [Shot of circus-goers outside the tent] Crow: And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all... [In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.] Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child! [The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.] Servo: Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War. Joel: Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band? Servo: Oops. Crow: Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns! Whoo! Servo: Yes, children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't begin to understand! Crow: Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Joel: Okay guys, you're too dark. Would you lighten up? Servo: How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan. Joel: That's better. Crow: It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons. Servo: Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra. [Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.] Joel: Hey, it's Emmett Kelly. Servo: That's good. Joel: No, it really is. Servo: Whatever, Joel. [As Crow hums to the music, a clown with a police outfit and fake beard appears up close to the screen and salutes, causing Joel and the Bots to get startled and yelp. As the narrator is herd speaking inaudibly, another clown with short hair and wearing a hat turn to the camera with a grin; Joel and the bots scream in horror.] Crow: It's Liza! [A bald clown appears up close to the camera as Joel and the bots clamor in terror from the sight of him.] Servo: HELLRAISER!! NO!!! [The narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich] Joel: See? Emmett changed management soon after this. [Shot of the crowd cheering] Crow [as crowd]: We love it when he eats! [As a trapeze artist swings] Joel: It's a living! Crow: Mother, please come home! Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways! Joel: Oh, stop it! Servo: She does! Look! Joel: Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right. Crow: This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area. [Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up] Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]: Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking! Crow: Women who love too much and the feet that use them. Servo: This one's on the rebound. [Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.] Crow: The act was outlawed on several continents! Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat! . . . Crow: Flipped her off. Narrator: The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy! Servo: ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act. Servo: Store this image away for a later nightmare. [The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.] Joel [as Old Man]: I invented that move. Crow [as Kid]: Yeah, right. Joel: Levi's loose fitting clown jeans. [Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.] Servo: [as Crow gasps] Huh? Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it clown-style! No! [One clown spanks, sweeps and smacks the other's behind with a hand broom.] Crow: Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative! Joel: Oh, please tell me this isn't happening... Oh, no... [They continue to complain and mumble "no" repeatedly as one clown hits the other's behind with their foot and then with a mallet.] Crow [as Clown]: More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha ha! Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus. Crow: High above the crowd, Dag Hammarskjöld takes to the trapeze! [Shot of a horse trainer and a horse] Joel [as Narrator]: Hank Kimball's brought in. Crow [as Hank Kimball]: Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a... [A clown rings a bell.] Servo: Hey, C. Everett Kook! [We cut to two clowns slapfighting.] Narrator: Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history! Crow: Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted. Servo [as clown]: Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo! Joel: This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen. Servo: You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play. Joel: Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?! Crow [as Richard Burton]: Don't talk about our clown, Martha. [Cut to the next act, a lion tamer] Crow: KITTIES! [As trapeze artists fly through the air] Joel: I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right? . . . Joel [as trapeze artist]: Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today! Servo: Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing... Crow [as trapeze artist]: Party in Susan's dressing room! Joel [as trapeze artist]: A rouge elephant snaps its tether and kills a coolie. Servo: NOW who's getting dark? Hehe, I like it. [Over the "The End" card] Joel: Ah, my favorite part of the circus. The Day the Earth Froze (movie) [As the statues of Elias Lönnrot and Impi start to come to life, Joel and the bots yelp as they get startled.] Narrator: Long ago, Joel: ...they're Golem. [Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.] Servo [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent] If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia... Crow [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent] I vish they all could be Norvegian girls... [Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.] Louhi, the witch: Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again. Crow: Can we see the other parts? Servo: Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious! [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! Servo [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.] Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul! Crow [as Bullwinkle]: Will somebody please put me out? I seem to be on fire. [Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.] Louhi: Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo? Joel: Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order... [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] Servo [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? Crow [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. Joel [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! [The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.] Joel: What is this, "Stalag 17: The Musical?" Bride of the Monster [Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are performing "Hired! The Musical"] Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [[in a whisper] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. Joel: [singing] I'm hired Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. Joel: [singing] I hope I don't get fired. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. Joel: [singing] In forty years I'll be retired. But for now, I'm simply hired. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. Joel: [singing] I got a job today. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. Joel: [singing] I'm selling Chevrolets. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. Joel: [singing] I'm bringing home good pay. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. Joel: [singing] I just got hired Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He got a job today. Joel: [singing] Yeah, me! Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's selling Chevrolets. Joel: [singing] We're gonna get awnings. Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He's bringing home good pay. Joel: [singing] I'm hired Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] Maybe even dessert Joel: [singing at same time with bots next line] I'm hired! Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] He just got hired! HIRED! Joel : [singing] I was wondering if you’d like to see my- Gypsy: No! Joel : [singing] But I really think you should see my- Servo: No! Joel : [singing] It’s got a lovely- Gypsy: No! Joel : [singing] And if only you would- Crow: No! Tom, Crow, Gypsy: [singing] Can’t you see we’re trying to tell you no!! Gypsy: [singing] Come on and have some lemonade! Hired! Part 1 (short) [The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"] Joel: Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography? Crow: Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration. Servo: Yeah, the sequel is Hired 2: Laid Off. [After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren looks at Jimmy's sales file with concern.] Servo [as Warren]: Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho. Joel [as Warren]: Hmm? What in the world? Assault with a deadly weapon?! Crow [as Warren]: AKA "The Pantsless Salesman" or "The Piddling Peddler"?! Joel [as Warren]: What? He got a D in trigonometry? Servo [as Warren]: But he is a Pieces with a moon in Aries. Crow [as Warren]: I'd fire him if he weren't my son. [Mr. Warren does a quick glance at the sales record board, then puts down the file and stands up.] Joel [as Warren]: Are you there, Lord? Servo [as Warren]: Hello, wall. Crow [as Warren]: Well, there's a blue steak and a pitcher of martinis with my name on it. [Mr. Warren looks at the board again, which shows that most salesmen have sold only a few cars during the month.] Servo [as Warren]: That's nearly impossible. No one under my employ has ever sold a car! Joel: Well, I guess no one wins a Mathis album. Crow [as Warren]: If I could read, I'd know what the problem is. Servo [as Warren]: Oh, here's the problem. I forgot to carry the two! Bride of the Monster (movie) [Lobo (Tor Johnson) scares away two hunters during a rainstorm, his mouth agape] Crow: Tor! Close your mouth before you drown! Hunter: [as he's strapped to an operating table] What are you doing to me?.. Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]: you're gonna be Myra Breckinridge. Dr. Vornoff: You will soon be as big as giant, Crow: But it's not covered by his insurance. Dr. Vornoff: with the strength of twenty men, Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]: Give or take a few. Dr. Vornoff: Or-- Servo [ as Dr.Vornoff]: --Not. Dr. Vornoff: Like all the others; dead. [As Dr. Vornoff turns the machine on, the Hunter screams in agony] Crow [ as Dr.Vornoff]: Oops! [As the hunter goes limp and dies, Dr. Vornoff quickly turns off the machine] Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]: Well, so much for the giant theory. Janet: [As Lobo knocks Dick Craig unconscious.] DICK! Crow: [as Janet] Uh, no, Duck! Damn, I said that wrong. [After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.] Crow: Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts! [As the mutated Dr. Vornoff fatally electrocutes Lobo by shoving him into a control panel, Janet screams as Vornoff grabs her and takes her away] Crow: You are my wife! Servo: [high-pitched voice] Goodbye, City Life! [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster get struck with lightning and go up in a nuclear blast. Janet and Dick horror and dismay.] Joel : Well, calamari, anybody? Servo: That was one unstable octopus. Joel [as Capt. Robbins]: Uh, I've had enough of this, Bob. I have a bird to get home to, excuse me. Servo [as Capt. Robbins]: Wait, how did he do that? Capt. Robbins: [solemnly] He tampered in God's domain. Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight. [the credits get shown] Servo: Loser. Joel: Mhm. Servo: Loser. Crow: Yeah. Servo: Loser. [Joel and Crow laugh] Harvey B. Loser. George Bec-loser. Paul Loser Marco. Don "The Big Loser" Nagel. Bud Big Ol' Loser Osborne. John Wanky Loser Warren. Ann- for crying out loud... [they get up to leave] Crow: But the drunk was good. Ben Frommer? Servo: The drunk was real good. Crow: Oh, yeah! Manos: The Hands of Fate Dr. Forrester: [introducing the movie] Dig this, mes amis: your "average Joe" has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average person" on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you: "Manos": The Hands of Fate, served with a short: the stirring conclusion to Hired!. [Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.] Joel, Servo, Crow: Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny! [The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.] Frank: Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm! [Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.] Torgo: They always do that! Hired! Part 2 (short) [The short begins] Crow: Previously on "Hired!" [Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.] Joel [as Warren]: We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night! Mr. Warren: Sales are the most important thing in this business. Servo [as Warren]: Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all. Mr. Warren: We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales. Joel [as Warren]: But first — martinis! Mr. Warren: Jimmy, I want to talk with you first. Crow [as Warren]: 'Cause you've got the most problems. [Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.] Mr. Warren: I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls. Jimmy: Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together. Crow [as Jimmy]: Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that? Warren: [instructing his employees of what his old colleagues Harry had him do] I remember one of the first things Harry drilled into me- Crow: [as Warren] -was Harry! [Joel scoffs at Crow] [While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.] Joel: Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter! [Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.] Joel [as Senator McCarthy ]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner? Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie) Servo: So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right? Joel: No, actually, it's more like a minute. Servo: [stunned] ...No. [A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.] Servo: I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking. Michael: Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago. Crow: Maybe it's Brigadoon. Joel: You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph. [Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.] Joel: Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo. Crow: Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo? . . . Servo: Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop. [Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.] Joel [as Michael]: Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids! [Debbie walks around with the Master's dog] Crow [as Debbie]: It's a devil and it's fun! Servo [as Debbie]: His name is Mephisto! Can we keep him? [The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.] Crow [as The Master]: What was I thinking? Joel [as Announcer]: Women who lunch. Servo [as Announcer]: And the Manos who love them — next Donahue. . . . Joel: You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos. Servo: ...and now, back to We Married Manos! [The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.] Crow: Well, the talks broke down at this point. Servo: Looks like the Russian Parliament. Joel [as Announcer]: Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling! Crow: Designing Women, the lost episodes. Servo [as Prof. Canning]: And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor. Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches. Crow: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants! . . . Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata! . . . Joel:You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears. . . . Crow: It's the Wilson Phillips breakup. . . . Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made. The Master: Silence! Joel: Is golden! The Master: Silence! Joel: Is golden! [The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.] Joel: [snapping] DO SOMETHING!!! God! [The Master points towards something off-screen] Servo: [dramatically] Pull my finger! Servo: Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the Copacabana, Jules Bedel proudly presents: Pat Benatar and Tricia Nixon! [As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.] Servo: [singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo… Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: Come here. Joel: The new Pope has not been chosen. [The Master spreads his arms, revealing the hands on his cape.] Crow: I wish those hands would just push him over! [During a driving scene] Joel: Meanwhile, in Toledo... Servo: No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself? . . . Crow: This must be a weekly series. [As the end credits roll...] Crow: Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew! Joel: Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch. Servo: Where to start? Servo: If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas. [The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"] Crow: The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer! Joel: No. Always wonder. [Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.] Servo: COME ON! [The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.] Servo: Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here! Joel: We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate. [They leave the theater.]