Mystery Science Theater 3000/Season 8

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 Revenge of the Creature [After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world] Mike [as George Taylor]: A planet where apes evolved from men? Professor Bobo: Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes. Mike [as George Taylor]: You did it! You finally did it! Professor Bobo: [apathetic] "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes. Mike [as George Taylor]: It's a madhouse! A... Professor Bobo: ...madhouse. I know!Planet of the Apes reference. Revenge of the Creature (movie) [The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.] Mike [as The Gill Man]: [In time with the dramatic music] Here I am! I'm the Creature! Servo: Boy, Esther Williams didn't age well. [The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] Servo: Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. Servo: Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. Servo [as Miss Abbott]: And... evolve. [A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.] Crow: This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie. [Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.] Crow [as a New Yorker]: Does he got a thing? [As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.] Crow: Everybody's drifting over to the "World of Barnacles" exhibit. [Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.] Servo: Jeez, the Mengele Institute for Marine Research! [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! Mike [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman The Leech Woman (movie) [Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]: Crow: It's a Rorschach test. Mike: I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns. Servo: That means you're a sexual predator. [Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.] Malla: When we are alone, I will speak. Crow [as Dr. Talbot]: Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Neil Foster: Mrs. Talbot, I know this is painful, but it's one of those things that have to be done when you plan a divorce. Mike [as Neil]: You have to be married. [The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.] Crow [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] Crow [as Lion]: Um... hakuna matata? . . . [The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.] Servo: I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment. [after Teri shuts Neil out of her room suddenly, and Sally enters the house] Crow [as Neil]: I realize now what a horrible lie our engagement has been. I frankly feel very disgusted by the thought of- oh hi honey. Sally: I don't think an explanation will help. Do you wanna try? Servo [as Neil]: Nah, let's go get a burger. Neil: No I- I don't. Mike [as Neil]: I left you some gum in the car... Neil: I had a drink with Teri and took her bags upstairs. Servo [as Neil]: There was a bushman in the luggage and he attacked. Neil: [defensive] Look, her aunt's an important client and good friend! I- I couldn't just run out! Now don't start imagining things... [Sally walks away] Crow [as Neil]: This is the fifties, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car! [Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.] Neil: Teri... would you marry me? [Teri pulls away.] Mike [as Neil]: Uh... uh... I withdraw the question. Teri: Oh, Neil — I can't. Servo [as Teri]: Starfleet forbids it. [During one of the many "African" scenes.] Mike: Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists. [A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.] Crow: This guy's gonna die of nonchalance. Mike: This is like a murderous episode of Lucy. The Mole People The Mole People (movie) [The film begins with an introduction from Professor Frank C. Baxter of the University of Southern California.] Baxter: This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable. Mike: It's a fabulous funny freak-out. Baxter: But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over... Crow: You'll feel dirty. Baxter: You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told. Servo: It's a story botched. Baxter: It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye. Mike: Peanut nostrils happy clams. [The opening credits scroll out of a huge crater] Mike: Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere. [Dr. Bentley and his crew find a suitable camping site on the summit of Mt. Kuitara] Bentley: We'll make camp here! Crow T. Robot: Then we'll dig our graves over there! The Deadly Mantis Crow: [after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth] I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced. Tom Servo: [mournfully] Yes; the Earth has been destroyed. Mike: [as Movie Sign blares] No, even worse than that; we've got Movie Sign! [Mike and the 'bots are lost travelling through deep space. They're trying to use the radio, only to find out that all of the radio stations are all country music stations.] Servo: Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy? The Deadly Mantis (movie) Narrator: For every action... Mike [as Narrator]: There is a Jackson. [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada... Servo [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence. Mike [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. [The camera pans by Greenland on a map.] Crow: You know what? Screw you Greenland! [A volcano erupts.] Servo [as the Menard's Guy]: It's a magma flow of savings at Menard's! [as Dr. Jackson gets a phone call] Dr. Nedrick Jackson: This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford? Crow [as Dr. Jackson]: General Tennessee Ernie Ford? Dr. Nedrick Jackson: ... Yes. Servo [as Dr. Jackson]: Well, try lancing it. Dr. Nedrick Jackson: I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over. Mike [as Dr. Jackson]: General wants another foot massage. Marge Blaine: Everything alright? Dr. Nedrick Jackson: Of course. Servo [as Dr. Jackson]: They just demoted me to the gift shop. Marge Blaine: Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you. Crow [as Dr. Jackson]: It is so! Dr. Nedrick Jackson: Very nosey. Marge Blaine: Okay, be mysterious. Mike [as Marge]: I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you. Dr. Nedrick Jackson: Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret? Marge Blaine: Hope to die. Dr. Nedrick Jackson: They found an old bone up at the north pole. Crow: [as Marge says nothing] Mrs. Bert Lahr. Dr. Nedrick Jackson: The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. [leaves] Servo [as Dr. Jackson]: Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye! [A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson] Mike: Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist. [A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.] Crow: Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with dishonorable discharge. [The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real] General Ford: I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines... Crow [as Ford]: I'm not gay! Crow [as Col. Parkman]: But I've got a mantis in my pantis. The Thing That Couldn't Die The Thing That Couldn't Die (movie) [The black and white Universal logo appears] Mike: In weather today, the oceans turned black! [The movie opens with the title: The Thing That Couldn't Die.] Servo: The Strom Thurmond Story! Mike: Couldn't die or wouldn't die? Crow: Shouldn't? [Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. Servo: A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: …in Maine. Mike: You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] Mike [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. Servo [as John Cameron Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. Mike [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. Servo [as Gordon]: I think I got most of the rat droppings off it. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? Crow: Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. [Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.] Crow: [singing] There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace! [The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.] Crow: The whole movie was leading up to this shot. Mike [as Announcer]: Brought to you by the Breast Council. Servo [as Announcer]: Buy breasts where you work or bank! The Undead The Undead (movie) [A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.] Crow: Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie! [Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.][The opening credits list Roger Corman as the film's director.]Servo: That's it, we're doomed.[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]Mike: Satan, the Prince of Cabaret. . . . Mike: This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater! . . . Servo: Peter Pan, Antichrist.[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. Servo [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… Crow [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: …we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience' sake.[Smolkin grabs a clearly modern shovel.]Servo: Apparently there were Hardware Hanks during the middle ages. Mike [as Ray Szmanda]: Gettest thou a cemetery full of savings at Menards![As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]Servo: Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike. Mike: [cringing] Ohh. Damn you, Servo![A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]Servo [as Knight]: Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving?[a knight confronts Smolkin]Knight: Do you jest with me, gravedigger? Smolkin: Again, I cannot say- I am mad; and therefore cannot tell a jest from a joust. Mike: [of Smolkin] Digs graves and plays with your mind! ... Crow: [as Smolkin] And would thoust get me a Mad Magazine? Servo: [as Smolkin] I have to watch Mad About You tonight![Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… Crow [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. Mike [as Satan]: …to sleeping audience. . . . Mike: [as Satan laughs] You're stuck here! Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. Servo: [singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy![Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]Mike [as Knight]: [in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue] Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you![As Helene expounds on the dilemma facing her:] Mike: I've never known more about what isn't going on in a movie. Quintus: STAAY!! Terror from the Year 5000 Terror from the Year 5000 (movie) [Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin.] Scientist 1: Now there's an interesting sample! Crow: Now there's an interesting line read! Scientist 1: What is it? Scientist 2: Don't know yet. Servo: Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors. Claire: I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown. Dr. Hedges: I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind. Servo [as Hedges]: I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! A line from the song One Night in Bangkok, from the musical Chess. Servo: All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie. [Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.] Mike [as Hedges]: Now what's going on? Servo [as Hedges]: Who's that other guy? Crow [as Hedges]: Where are we going? Mike [as Hedges]: What is this fluid under my feet? Servo [as Hedges]: What happened to the day-ball? Crow: Let's chip in and buy this movie a light. [On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.] Mike: Hey! They whacked Toonces! Crow: Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im. Dr. Erling: Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region? Crow [as Hedges]: Genocide? Mike [as Hedges]: Slavery? Servo [as Hedges]: Diseased blanket spreading? [Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.] Hedges: Is there a good movie in town? Mike: [snorts] Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about? Crow: Heh heh heh! [Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.] Mike, Crow: Oh. [Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house] Crow [as Victor/Joe Buck]: I'm goin' to the city to be a stud. Mike: Please! That's a hideous thought. Servo: This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in The Age of Innocence! Crow: Or was it Sense and Sensibility? Mike: I think it was Barfly. Crow: Yeah, that's it. The She-Creature [To keep the Observers at bay so Pearl and Bobo can escape, the Nanites place a Number 7 move on the planet below] Mike Nelson: Say, what's a Number 7? [the planet explodes] Servo: Mike, you blew up another planet! What is your deal? Mike Nelson: I just told them to take care of a little problem! Crow: And they did! Here comes Mike- Destroyer of Worlds! Servo: Oh God of Fire and Vengeance... stay away from me! [stinger; Bobo lies on the floor of the Camping Planet, in pain from the crash landing] Bobo: [weakly] Ow; my spine. Ow... The She-Creature (movie) [At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.] Barker Johnny: I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us. Servo: So she's a carnival preceder. [Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.] Erickson: Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee. Andrea: I'd like that. Servo [as Erickson]: Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee? [Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.] Crow [as Erickson/Fuller]: My first question: will I get the part in This Island Earth? Erickson: What year is it, Andrea? Mike [as Elizabeth]: [singing] The year of the cat. Andrea/Elizabeth: 1618, the Year of Our Lord. Servo [as Elizabeth/Eliza Doolittle]: In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire. Erickson: Who is the reigning monarch? Andrea/Elizabeth: James Stuart. Mike [as George Bailey]: Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too! [Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.] Lombardi: There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor? Erickson: No. Lombardi: He did what I told him without a single word. Mike: That's because he's a dog! [As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.] Servo: [gasps] Donald Duck has the Ring of Power! ... Crow: Frodo goes snorkeling! [A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling] Mike: See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card." [The creature has just mortally attacked Lombardi as blank-faced Dr. Erickson looks on:] Mike [as Erickson]: Well, mmm, gosh, I, mmm... Hmm. Uh... ...[Erickson continues to emote incomprehensibly:] Crow: Fear? Elation? What is it? ... Crow: Despair? Love? Joy? Tell us! ... Crow: Concern? Passion? Hunger? What, Lance? ... Crow: Ennui? Angst? Apathy? Gas? ... Servo: Cold? Jubilant? Headache-y? Mike: His emotional memory is the previous scene. Mike: Man, if ever I wanted to put a movie into a stump grinder, this is the one. I Was a Teenage Werewolf I Was a Teenage Werewolf (movie) [As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits] Mike: [singing to the Bonanza theme] We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon... [A crowd of "teens" watch the fight] Mike: And the 35-year-old high school students look on. [Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock] Mike [as Tony]: But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza. [Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.] Crow: If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep. [Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.] Mike [as Frank]: [muttering] "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I thinking? It's like 47 miles! Crow [as Frank]: I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of. . . . Servo: I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack. [Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question] Mike [as Arlene]: ...and I like you because...? Tony: I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this. Crow [as Arlene]: Because you're a jerk? Crow: Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a high school! [The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.] Crow: Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine! . . . [The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.] Crow: Judy Garland runs out of pills. [The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.] Servo: Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. Mike: I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. The Giant Spider Invasion [Mike addresses Gypsy- who appears to have been replaced by one of the alien "zucchini/throw pillow" pods] Mike: Hey, Gypsy; what happened to the zucchini throw pillows? Gypsy: [monotone] I have put them in a safe place; and now ypu should sleep. I have prepared warm milk to help you. Servo: But I'm not tired. Gypsy: All sentinent beings- however inferior- require sleep. . . . Mike: Gypsy, are you okay? Gypsy: Of course I am, Mitchell Nelson. Mike: [urging Bobo to fight back against the alien pods] You're the only one who can do it; you're a magnificant mountain gorilla. You are Bobo- son of Koko! Bobo: Yes- yes! And heir to the great lineage of Godo, Mogo and Chim-Chim! [springs into action with an invigorated roar] Bobo: I saved you and the whole galaxy! Aren't you proud? Pearl: You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my [pod clone] body. Brain guy, send them the movie - again. Mike, & The Bots [over the credits]: MOVIE SIGN! AGAIN! The Giant Spider Invasion (movie) [First lines of the movie] Man: Sheriff! Sheriff [Played by Alan Hale, Jr.]: Hey, little buddy! [Mike and the 'bots cheer] [Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.] Olga: Wait, you forgot your back brace. [Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.] Mike: Ugh, he's pink! Servo: I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile! Crow: [cheering] Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders! [Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.] Servo [as Dan]: Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala! . . . Dan: What the [expletive deleted] hell was that? Mike [as Dan]: Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind! [Repeated line] Servo, Mike, or Crow [As various people in the mob]: Packers! [After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.] Crow: Like a Rock! This was actually the slogan for Chevrolet pickups. [The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.] Servo: Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball. . . . [Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.] Mike: And the movie ramps up the revulsion! Crow: This movie hates us, doesn't it? [After interminable redneck hijinks, the film cuts to astronomer Dr. Jenny Langer in a laboratory.] Crow: A showered person... thank God! [Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds] Ev: Diamonds are supposed to cut glass. Crow: Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy! Dan: [walks toward window] Servo: Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape! [Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window] Crow [as Dan]: ...Aryan...Nation...rules... Dan: [excited] Will you look at that!? Mike [as Dan]: [excited] I made a [sic] "R"! [A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.] Ev: You look like you could use a drink. Servo [as Ev]: And a shower, and a job. Dan: I found another body... Mike [as Ev]: Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross. [As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.] Mike: I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North. [Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.] Mike [as Spiders]: We're your dirty socks! Wash us! Crow: Giant Puppet Invasion! [Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.] Servo [as Spider]: Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe! [A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.] Crow [as a mob member]: Free Bobby Seale! Servo [as a mob member]: Free Mumia! Mike [as a mob member]: Free beer! . . . Mike: [as another mob member] No more schools; more hockey arenas! . . . Sheriff: [observing the mob from a distance] They're hell-bent on destroyin' that thing! Crow: [as a mob member] We're hell-bent! Crow: I'd like to say a few words. Uh, this guy's dead, the end. Servo: [as more townspeople fall victim to the giant spiders] And yet, Bill Rebane escapes unharmed. Crow: [as the film credits roll] You know, when Barbara Hale won her Oscar, she gave a very touching speech where she said- to effect- "VAAAAANCE!!". parts: the clonus horror parts: the clonus horror (movie) [Voices are heard whispering and muttering.] Crow: Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual. [The crowd cheers wildly at Senator Knight's campaign rally.] Mike: Hooray for the '70s! Crow: Shaun Cassidy for President! Servo: We want Billy Beer! [The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror'] Crow: Apparently e. e. cummings wrote it. Tom Servo: Oh, I don't think this is headed toward a happy ending. Mike: Y'know, at this point any ending would make me happier than I've ever been. [The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.] Crow: Dick Sargent. Didn't he play Dick York on Bewitched? [Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.] Servo [as Guide]: This is not sanctioned, gentlemen. You are doing this on your own… [Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.] Lena: I like it. It gives me time to write. Richard: Write? Lena: Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas. Crow [as Lena]: I've already filled a Post-it note. [Clones Lena and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex beside a campfire and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.] Crow: Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey! . . . [Later, David picks up a book] Mike [as David]: Crotch Fires and You. [Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.] Mike [as Richard/Winston Smith]: Whaddya know — we aren't at war with Eurasia! . . . [Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.] Crow: Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes! . . . Mike [as Richard]: Black helicopter… Roswell… Area 51… Waco… formula for Coca-Cola… Jake: This place you keep talking about, Clonus... Servo [as Jake]: Is there a bar? . . . Jake: Professor, you know that tape will blow the lid off of everything? Crow [as Jake]: Speaking of, where's the bathroom? [Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.] Rick: You knew about the tape, didn't you? Jeff: Yeah. You saw the tape? Rick: Yeah, and it's scary. Crow [as Rick]: Adam Sandler's in it. [As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.] Servo [as Peter Graves]: "James Arness: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on Biography. The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies [As the show opens, the Bots are doing walkathons.] Mike: Uh, what about you, Servo? Servo: Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development". Mike: Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group. Servo: No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the acronym, Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod". The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies (movie) [The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.] Mike: The shroud of David Schwimmer. . . . Servo: Face is the result of slash and burn shaving. Mike [as zombie]: You'd tell me if my face was disintegrating, right? Servo: He's turning into a brisket. Crow: It's a portrait of Bob Dole's inner child. . . . Crow: He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair. . . . Crow: Tom Petty in the morning. . . . Crow: You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee. [Cut to a toy clown laughing.] Mike: Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel. [On the music in the opening credits] Crow: The organ has emphysema. . . . Mike: Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet. Servo: [singing to the "Libby's, Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle] If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it... Mike: The music's gonna break into "Chest Fever" any minute. [Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.] Jerry: The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... depressed. Mike: Goofus and Gallant, the movie. Jerry: How's college? Madison: Fine. You should try it some time. Jerry: No thanks. The world's my college. Crow: He's taking it pass-fail. [Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "Silent Night"-like tune.] Mike: You know, the 14-year-old boys who snuck in with fake IDs, they gotta be feeling profoundly ripped off at this point. Crow: Yep. Servo: The "Feliz Navidad" dancers. . . . Crow: Now, were these dance numbers supposed to be provocative or merely boring? Mike: Well, provocative in their boringness? . . . Mike: Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing. Servo: Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash. Crow: There's something Laverne & Shirley-esque about this. . . . Servo: Riverdance: The strip show! Mike: Ah, halftime at the Orange Bowl. Never fails to disappoint. . . . Mike: So how is this a tribute to Madeline Albright? [as Carmelita performs] Crow: Joel Grey, ladies and gentlemen. Servo: Isn't that the guy Danny Bonaduce beat up? Mike: Watch as she walks around. Crow: You know, Noam Chomsky should pick better warm-up acts. [Carol and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.] Mike [as Carol]: First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your… Mike, Crow [as Chorus]: Schick out of shape! Servo: Now, everybody— shave! Crow: Replace your blade every two weeks! Mike: No nicks or cuts! Comfort and convenience! [Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.] Servo: [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own gravy. [Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother] Jerry: Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me. Harold: Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know? Jerry: [shocked] Job? Servo [as Jerry]: I'm a respected neurosurgeon! [After seeing who played Madison] Mike: Madison is, Madison. Crow: Drunk played by himself. Hobo, himself. Stripper, herself. Jack Frost Crow: Ladies and... Gypsy! Michael Nelson IS... LORD OF THE DANCE! Gypsy: Oh!... did the other one die? Crow: I dunno... [Pearl returns from dropping off the Space Children, finding Bobo and Brain Guy debating over which ape movie is better: Every Which Way But Loose or Any Which Way You Can ] Pearl: What the hell is going on here? Thinking Every Which Way But Loose is the best ape movie... what do you know about ape movies? The best ape movie- the best ape movie- ever is Dunston Checks In; end of story. [adresses the Satelite of Love, unaware Mike is behind her] Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! Mike: Uh, I'm right here. Pearl: Oh... [turns around to face Nelson] ...until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! Jack Frost (movie) [Title card is shown.]Servo:...could eat no...frost. Gypsy: [after Mike finishes a display of dancing] Oh... Um, yaaay! Well, there's this sink I need to take a look at, so I'll just...[The Stepmother forces Nastenka to knit outside in the night]Stepmother: Here's a place where you can knit, Nastka, and you won't wake my darling, little Marfushka. The moon is out, there's plenty of light. Mike [as the Stepmother]: Chernobyl's on fire, it's great![Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]Mike: So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys![As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]Crow: Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house. [Russian names are on the screen.]Mike: These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee. Stepmother: [after telling Nastenka to knit socks outside] They better be done by the time the rooster crows, you hear me? Otherwise, I'll tear your braid off! Crow: [as Nastenka, singing] M is for the many times you beat me... O is for the other times you beat me...[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]Nastenka: Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun! Servo [as Sun]: And you are…? Nastenka: Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid. Mike [as Sun]: [beeps] This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]Servo: Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's fine; you knit your sock. . . . Nastenka: Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn! Mike [as Mafia don]: Some day you'll return the favor...[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]Crow: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast Chicken. Servo: Man, Peter must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning.[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]Mike: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors. . . . Crow: If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape![To prevent Ivan from killing a mother bear, Nastenka turns a bucket over his head. Father Mushroom then casts a spell. When the bucket is removed, Ivan has been turned in to a bear.] Ivan: Nastenka! Servo: It was her bucket full of Rogaine. Ivan: What's the matter? Crow [as Ivan]: Am I un-bear-able? [after Ivan realizes he was turned into a bear] Crow: [as Ivan] Damn it, Puck! This time you've gone too far! Ivan: What did you do to me? What have you done, you witch?! Mike: [as Ivan, crying and running off] Mommy!! Servo: [as Ivan/Yogi] I have to go find a pic-a-nic basket! Nastenka: Ivanushka! Crow: [as Nastenka] We have to register at Club Wed! Nastenka: Ivan, I swear I didn't do anything to you! Ivan: [angrily] I curse you! I curse you forever; you witch! Servo: Tonight on a very special Grizzly Adams. Mike: [as Nastenka] Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear! Ivan: [lamenting over the loon he shot which led him to Nastenka, after he has been turned into a bear] I killed you with an arrow, and you ruin me with a feather! Crow: [as Ivan] It's funny when you think about it! [The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.] Crow: The KGB has her under surveillance! [after Ivan begs Father Mushroom to be told how to undo his curse] Father Mushroom: Alright, listen; vagabound with the head of a bear: just look at yourself and ask... Servo: [as Father Mushroom] Do I crap in the woods? Father Mushroom: ...how did you live? You see, you spent all your time boasting about yourself. You loved yourself; only yourself. You offended everyone else. Crow: Heed these words, Mike. Father Mushroom: Consider Nastenka; you hurt her feelings. Ivan: I hurt her feelings?! Father Mushroom: You've never done a good deed, Ivan. Now here's what you must do, take my advice: Mike: [as Father Mushroom] Shave! [Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.] Servo: Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in Narnia! [The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a Matryoshka doll.] Stepmother: Nope! Not a princess. Servo: She's got that healthy clown glow. Marfushka: Oh, no? Stepmother: You are a queen! Mike: In that you look like Freddie Mercury. Crow: [as a crowd of people show up mocking Marfushka as she is stuck in a duck pond] And the Freelance Shame Squad is there! . . . [later the group returns and the camera focuses on a blond-haired boy in the crowd] Servo: It's a young Mike Nelson! Mike: [offended] Hey! [Father Mushroom is seen observing Ivan from a distance] Servo: Mushroom Guy is really starting to piss me off! [The Hunchback Fairy/Baba Yaga has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.] Ivan: Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry! Fairy: Are you afraid? Ivan: Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel! Mike [as Ivan]: ...the flat part, anyway. [the Hunchback Fairy offers to lead Ivan to Nastenka, as she pulls out a pig-shaped sled and enchants it] Fairy: Foul is fair, and fair is foul... Servo: [as sled] Oink, ma'am. Ivan: What's that? Fairy: Oh, a fast sleigh that glides through snow; fast, fast as the wind blows, moves by itself over the snow to the place where Nastenka lies. [throws the sled into the snow as it swiftly takes off with Ivan giving chase] Servo: She left it in drive. Fairy: [calling out to Ivan, chuckling] Look out for my sheepskin coat; it's almost new! Don't forget to bring it back to me! Crow: Bring it back to me... ha ha, that's great! Crow: So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out? [Grandfather Frost appears and demonstrates his power by spreading snow and frost through the forest] Mike: [as Grandfather Frost] Eat lead, spring! Crow: [as Grandfather Frost] I do frost, and I do it well. [Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre] Frost's Voice: Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again. Crow: Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely! [While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...] Random Unknown Voice: Look who's here! Servo: Thank you, Anonymous Voice! [Ivan and Nastenka arrive and bow deeply to greet her family.] Crow [as Nastenka]: We spit on your doorstep! Servo: Ptui! Crow: Ptui! Mike [as her hectored father]: Please take me with you, please, please... Nastenka: I'd like you to meet... Servo [as Nastenka]: Uh, what's your name again? Nastenka: Ivanushka, my fiance. Crow [as Ivan through a forced smile]: I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible. [Marfushka confronts Grandfather Frost while lost in the woods] Marfushka: Bring on my fiancé, and give me a dowry; a great big dowry... [shoves Frost to the ground] ...and make it quick! Crow: [as Marfushka] You stuttering frosted freak! Frost: H-help! [Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.] Crow: It's a three-pig open sleigh! Servo: On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe! [The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.] Servo: It's… Mike: It's… Crow: It's… a convention of Michael Palin imitators! . . . Servo: They're singing about controlling their nose hair. . . . Crow: It's the Seven Dwarves! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc. [the bandits' cudgels Ivan threw into the air earlier in the movie come back down and hit the bandits on the head, as one of them lets out a genuinely pained groan after getting hit] Crow: Ooh! This isn't funny; he actually got hurt, Mike. [Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee] Hunchback Fairy: My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it! Crow: Well, maybe you should have diversified more! Riding with Death [In the middle of a WWI-style war, or some sort of battle, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.] Mrs. Forrester: (panting) Oh, great! Just what I need! Bobo: Medic! Medic! Observer: [enters wearing nurse's outfit] Here I am! Mrs. Forrester: Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal? Observer: My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aid. (begins attending to Forrester's wound) Mrs. Forrester: ...what's that smell?! Observer: Oh! Mustard gas! Mrs. Forrester: Mustard gas! Get the masks! Bobo: Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch. Observer: Good god, ape... Mrs. Forrester: That's it, we're pulling out! [Clanking sound is heard] Observer: Hand grenade! Bobo: Grenade! I'll save you! [throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him] Mrs. Forrester: Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast! Observer: [looks up] It's a good thing I don't have a body... [flops back down] [Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Servo watch] Mike Nelson: Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda... Crow: I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or— Mike: [ignoring Crow] ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that... Servo: D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike. Crow: Just a little too much. [Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it] Mike: And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired... Crow: Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda— Mike: [again ignoring Crow]It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that... Servo: So! Bombs away, Mike! Crow: Okay, Mike! Bombs away! Mike: Oh! Right... [Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Servo cheer] Crow: Bombs away, Mike! Servo: Bombs away! [to Crow] Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper. Crow: Is that so? [Mike reenters without the bomb] Crow: Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee... Mike: There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction... Crow: A little distraction! [Mike and the Bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.] Crow: [gets back up] Okay... Few things, Mike. First, uh, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now? Servo: Think so... Crow: And, second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?! Riding with Death (movie) [As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.] Servo: [Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car] Mike: Universal, except for you, Ron. Crow: You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great. Servo: Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself. [As the title appears] Mike: Hey, the Matthew Broderick story. Crow: And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas. [During the opening credits] Mike: Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy? . . . Crow: Starring rejects from Harry-O. . . . Servo: If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong. Mike: Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please! . . . Servo: Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time. . . . Servo: Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Dennis Franz's hairy butt cheeks? Crow: Ah, that gooey LA sky. Mike: Birds? Nope. All dead. [A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.] Mike: The world's most difficult math test. [Driscoll is explaining security procedures surrounding a secret shipment while incessantly cleaning his glasses. Servo makes glass-wiping noises throughout.] Mike [as Driscoll]: What is on these things? Driscoll: The operation to deliver will begin at precisely oh-five-hundred hours when an Army convoy will depart the laboratory. But... Crow [as Driscoll]: I have to clean my glasses first. Driscoll: Due to the security breach, and just between the four of us... Servo [as Driscoll]: My glasses are filthy! [A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.] Servo [as Mechanic]: [evilly] They don't call me "Karl" for nothing. Crow [as Sam]: So, how does cutting my brake lines help the shocks? Eh, I'm not the mechanic! [Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.] Sam: Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67. Crow: "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex. Mike [as Sam]: Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now. Servo [as Sam]: My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door. Crow [as Sam]: My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours— Mike, Servo: Ugh—Crow! . . . [Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.] Mike [as Sam]: Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now. Crow: You said I was bad. Mike: You inspired me. [Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.] Crow [as Buffalo Bill]: Dukes of Hazzard got renewed! [As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.] Mike [as Denby]: Cupcake! Get Twinkie the Kid and Fruitpie the Magician! Agent for H.A.R.M. [Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial] Crow: This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % [bleep]ing not guilty. And if you [bleep]s don't [bleep] find him innocent, then you can just [bleep]ing kiss my fat [bleep]ing [bleep]. And that [bleep]ing goes for your bull[bleep] court system, too! Mike, I'm so [bleep]ing sorry I couldn't [bleep]ing be there for this [bleep]ing [bleep]y really bogus trial, man. But let me [bleep] tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd [bleep]ing kick everyone's fat stupid [bleep]ing behinds and then cram it up their [bleep]ing [bleep]. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this [bleep] helps. Take care, Mike. Agent for H.A.R.M. (movie) [The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.] Mike: Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows. Crow: Hirsute Astronauts Revile Massachusetts Servo: Heuristic Analog Rental Meat. [Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.] Mike [as Adam]: Solid balsawood, baby! . . . [After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.] Adam: This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range. Mike: The judo range? . . . Servo [as Adam]: Meet me at the karate rink later. . . . [Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.] Adam: Judo range! Crow [as Adam]: Then go practice your skeet kendo and bring your aikido rifle, too. Mike [as Student]: Gotta get into my judo bikini. Adam: I'm not leaving until I get the answers, do I make myself clear? Servo [as Dr. Stefanik]: Ah, let me review... you're going to leave right now, because you can't get the answers. Dr. Stefanik: Yes. You've made yourself quite clear. [Walks away.] Crow [as Dr. Stefanik]: I'll go get the cot. Adam: You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz? Crow: And hula hoops and dungarees? Adam: Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it! Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]: I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor. [Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.] Crow: Mike, why were you choking the monkey? Mike: Because Bobo is such... HEY!! [After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.] Ava: Are you coming, or do I swim alone? Crow [as Adam]: Yes, and yes. [As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room] Mike: Here's the wind up.... [Adam smiles smugly to himself] Mike: ...and there's the smarm! Servo: He maintains an appliance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA! [Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.] Mike [as Adam]: Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger! Servo: Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you! Prince of Space Prince of Space (movie) [The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.] Mike: I'm in space already! Damn! [The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.] Mother: The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base. Crow: ...the dining room? [The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! Crow: Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! Servo [as TV Advert. announcer]: Veterans cannot be turned down! . . . Crow [as Mickey]: That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it very much! [After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.] Crow [as Headline]: Krankor: Nothing to Worry About. Mike [as Headline]: Truman Capote Sent to Fight Krankor. [Camera focuses on the alien ship's 'periscope'.] Crow [as periscope]: I am the lemon zester of destruction! Crow: A rare Godzilla-free day. [We hear a barking dog running past] Servo [As dog, with Japanese accent]: Rufforu! Bow-a-wow! [A police car drives past in the same direction] Mike: After that dog! [Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.] Crow [as Prince of Space]: Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway. . . . [The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.] Crow [as Prince of Space]: I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] Mike: An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! Mike: "Kill some diffren"? Servo: "Diffren"? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! Crow: You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.] CO: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. Mike [as CO]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.] Mike [as Prince of Space]: Swing me over there, trusty string![The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]Crow [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! Mike: The upper half of a Hopper painting. Servo [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?![The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]Phantom: What a fool! Servo [as Phantom]: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again? Crow: [on the Prince of Space] His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies. Wally: Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen! Mike [as Wally]: Get out of my wine! Phantom: Now, gentlemen, your time has come. Prepare to leave Krankor. Dr. Cummings: What's that? Phantom: Prepare to leave. Each of you will enter a space capsule. Dr. Cummings: What!? Servo: For cryin' out loud... EACH! OF! YOU! WILL! ENTER! A! SPACE! CAPSULE!![Phantom is hiding behind the door as Prince of Space bursts in; Phantom quietly exits.] Mike: The easily-bamboozled Prince of Space. [Speaking of the monster which guards Krankor:] Phantom: Quite right, my dear Macken. A monster which I created. He obeys my slightest command. Crow [as Phantom]: Like, "Wander around aimlessly and gain weight."[Prince of Space has survived a thermal trap.]Prince of Space: Enough of this! When will you ever learn your guns won't work on me? Phantom: Shoot him! Mike [as henchman]: Brilliant new plan, sir! The Horror of Party Beach The Horror of Party Beach (movie) [The opening titles are accompanied by surf rock]Servo: A-hehehehe! Horror! Crow: Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip![During a driving scene]Mike: Nude driving: a new fad among the teens.[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]Mike: What is "additional dialogue", anyway? Crow: Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?" Crow: Sturgis: a city on the move! Crow: I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own head with drawn butter.[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]Crow: Men should not have bikini areas![Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]Mike: I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed.[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]Crow: MY SKULL![A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]Crow: Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. Servo: So, radiation has a sense of humor![On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]Servo [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]: [singing to "Chances Are"] Chances are That I'll kick your scrawny ass... . . .[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]Mike [as Gang Leader]: You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers. Eulabelle: It's a human thing, Dr. Gavin! Crow [as Eulabelle]: You wouldn't understand! . . . Dr. Gavin: Nothing is solved in a few hours. This will require a lot of research. Eulabelle: And while you're researching, there's something creeping and crawling and lurking around out there. Dr. Gavin: That's enough! Mike [as Dr. Gavin]: You're scaring me![The monsters attack an all-girl slumber party]Mike: [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid. Servo: Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty-raid.[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look Polish"]Mike: Wait— "Look Polish?" Servo: Huh? Mike: It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—see? It says "Look Polish"! Servo: "Look Polish"! Crow: Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!"[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]Elaine: [whispering] I hear something. Servo [as Elaine]: [whispering] He's coming! Look Polish, everyone! Servo: What are we looking at and why are we looking at it?[The time of day has been changing]Servo: Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... . Devil Doll Tom Servo: [to Mike] Have you seen Crow? Mike Nelson: Oh yeah, he's getting into that whole dorm fantasy thing. Servo: Oh, drunk, abusive and getting all morose about... Crow T. Robot: [offscreen] DEBBIE!! Mike Nelson: Debbie, right; that's it. Crow: [offscreen] Debbie, D-D-D-Debbie, I... urghn! [punches window back into packaging with the shattering of glass heard]Servo: [wincing] Oh, please, say that was a lamp! Mike Nelson: Uh, it was probably just a lamp. Crow: [crying] Debbie! Debbie, I need ya, baby! I can't handle it. Debbie, I punched the window in for you, baby. You've gotta take me back, Debbie! Debbie! Servo: He punched in my window, Mike! He carefully unpacked it, then he punched it in! Crow: I did it for Debbie! Let me drive over there! I don't care! Mike Nelson: Listen, Crow, you're not drunk, you don't live in a dorm, and you don't know anybody named Debbie. Crow: [sobbing] I don't care! Debbie! Let me go! Servo: [also sobbing] My windoooowww![some time later]Mike Nelson: There, there, Crow. Crow: Debbie... Mike Nelson: Say, have you ever considered a fantasy where you're happy and successful? Crow: I think I like the Debbie one better.[Pearl and Observer/Brain Guy attempt to liven up a gathering in Roman times with a toga party, before deciding on another approach...]Observer: Pants party! Emperor: [as crowd whoops and cheers] These are remarkable, and vastly superior to our own apparel! Pearl: [sighs] Ah; that's better. ...[later as the two are guests at a gladiator match]Emperor: [greeting the crowd] Citizens, if you haven't already noticed- I'm wearing pants. Devil Doll (movie) [The camera cuts to Hugo in the back seat of a car as it drives along.]Crow: [as Hugo] I'm driving with my mind!Servo: Am I a mod or a rocker? Mike: [to the other robots] You know, if it weren't for rock n' roll, ventriloquy would've been huge. Crow: [as Vorelli, while the audience claps at the end of a show] Thank you halfway-houses and geriatric wards! Servo: [as Vorelli] Thrill as he doesn't talk and I don't move my lips! Mike: [audience continues applauding] Keep clapping, and he might never get to his act![Vorelli leaves the stage with Hugo and his assistant]Crow: [as Hugo] That sucked! Even I didn't believe I was talking![Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]Crow: Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". Servo: Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free.[Later in the same shot]Crow: Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co....[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a rotary phone]Servo: So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years?[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]The Great Vorelli: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger... Servo: [as the Great Vorelli] Then I'll be right back. The Great Vorelli: That he may die at any moment.[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]Crow: [as the Great Vorelli] Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU![the camera zooms in on Vorelli's face and the color inverts as it focuses on his eyes]Servo: [of Vorelli] A Scotch egg! No, wait; that's his face. The Great Vorelli: [to the volunteer] You told me that in China, you once saw a man executed in the streets. Mike: The Manchurian Ventriloquist! The Great Vorelli: I want you to imagine you are in his place. Crow: [sighs] Why so negative? . . . Crow: [as Vorelli continues speaking to the volunteer in excessive detail of his situation] Should we really call this the "Wacky Fun Time Revue"? . . . All: [as crowd] Hooray; more![Vorelli snaps his fingers to break the volunteer out of his tense stupor]Mike: [as Vorelli] Hey; pay attention! Crow: [as crowd claps] Ha ha; we love your cruelty![On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo performs with The Great Vorelli]The Great Vorelli: Well, Hugo, what are you going to do to entertain the audience tonight? Hugo: Anything you say, my dear Vorelli; except that kind of thing. The Great Vorelli: What do you mean? Hugo: Simply that you are laughing while I am talking. The Great Vorelli: And what's wrong with that? Hugo: Oh, it's an old ventriloquist trick; they're all doing it now, it's corny. The Great Vorelli: Perhaps we can show the audience a variation of it then. Tom Servo: [as Vorelli] Min-wax, Hugo? Hugo: [noticing Vorelli drinking a glass of wine] Give me some wine. I want some wine. The Great Vorelli: A dummy? Drinking wine? Crow T. Robot: [as Vorelli] Spodie-odie? The Great Vorelli: Don't be ridiculous! Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? Mike: [as Hugo] All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! The Great Vorelli: You are a dummy, Hugo. Crow: [as the audience claps] The Puppet-Haters' Club will be right back![During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]Crow: [as Hugo] You think he likes ham? Wait 'til you see me like ham! [German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo] The Great Vorelli: This time- Hugo- you are going to die. Crow: [as Mercedes] At this point, t'ere were some warning signs... ... Mercedes: He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and... looked at the ceiling. Then... he died. He died. Mike: [as Mark]: Did he live? [The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage] The Great Vorelli: Hugo... Mike [as the Great Vorelli]: Have you been shaving your legs with this again? [The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy] Mike: [as Hugo]: Please cover my cage...[Mark English (played by William Sylvester) is sleeping]Servo: You know, Kubrick saw this scene and said "We found our Heywood Floyd!"[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]Hugo: Attica! Attica! Tom Servo: [as Hugo in Vorelli's body] I'm sweaty because I was choking a puppet. Ah, no no, wait! Tom Servo: [as the film ends] Hugo the Dummy was arraigned in Superior Court, County of Los Angeles; in a moment, the results of that trial. Invasion of the Neptune Men Crow: To be dead... to be nothing... to watch Neptune Men no more! Invasion of the Neptune Men (movie) [Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]Tibana: So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex. Mike: The "Roji-Panty Complex"? Servo & Crow [as the Neptune Men]: HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous.[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]Servo: That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud! . . . Crow: They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor. . . .[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]Crow [as Space Chief]: Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more![The Neptune Men approach Earth]Mike: Shoot at Earth all you want, just get Bill Maher.[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]Servo [as the Japanese]: Oh, let's call our friends the Koreans! Oh, oh no—the Russians! Well, no. The Chinese! Oh, well, I guess not.[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]Mike: I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly-nuanced movie.[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]Crow: So whatever happened to Space Chef? Mike: That's "Chief." Crow: Chief Chef? Crow: Y'know, Space Chief should try going into space sometime! Servo: Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief. Mike: Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief.[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of Hitler being blown up]Crow: [royally confused] What the...? Servo: They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia? Crow: All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers! Mike: The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of... Crow: They blew it up! . . . Crow: Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where you grew up? Mike: Not, uh...no. No. Crow: Sure? Mike: ...Yeah. . . .[Another spaceship begins to dive] Crow: What next? The Mussolini Mall? Servo: Yeah! Followed by the Pinochet Petting Zoo! [Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other] Crow: So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that would get us through this? Servo: Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... [thundering] EAT IT, MOVIE! Crow: Whoa! Whoa! Servo: [still ranting] TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR— [begins sobbing] [Crow tries to hurry along a tensionless countdown:] Scientist: Ten, nine, eight... Crow: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, right. One... Scientist: Seven... Crow: One. Scientist: Six... Crow: One! Scientist: Five... Crow: One!! Scientist: Four, three... Crow: ONE!!! [The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car] Servo: Space Chief's off having a couple Sapporos with Jet Jaguar and Prince of Space. [The top of the Neptunian commander's helmet is adorned with a flat plexiglass disc.] Crow [as commander]: Say, has anyone seen my record? [The children approach a small Neptunian probe which has just landed:] Servo [as probe]: Oh, no, you kids again? Is there anyone else on this planet? Space Mutiny [Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.] Crow: It lists Hitler as a "fairly stable veteran of the Great War." Mike: Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine. Servo: Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory." Crow: Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff? Mike: Well, I used them when I was a kid. [Blows dust off a volume] They seemed fine then. Crow: The periodic table has three elements in it, Mike! Servo: There's a volume for the letter epsilon. Crow: There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu. Servo: It's got a picture of Stonehenge! Mike: So? Servo: Under construction?! Mike: So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set. Servo: Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do. Space Mutiny (movie) [repeated line] Servo (as various characters): Did you sign Sherry's card? [In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one] Mike: Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it! [Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "Battlestar Galactica"] Mike: Special effects by Industrial Light and Morons.Takes us back to good ol' Memory Lane! [Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft] Crow [as Lea]: My Buns of Steel videos are in there! [Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried] Servo [as Jansen]: But what of the little children and their toys? Capt. Devers: Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships. Cmdr. Jansen: I agree. Mike [as Jensen]: I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho. [Kalgan drives into shot in a vehicle marked "ENFORCER"] Mike [as Kalgan]: Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend! [The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception] MacPhearson: Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement. Mike: I disagree! MacPhearson: Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the Southern Sun. Chief Engineer: Then let him do so alone. Engineer Parsons: This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report. Crow [as Parsons]: I just have to wet myself first. MacPhearson: Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future? Chief Engineer: We'll not allow that! No! Servo: The easily led wise council. [the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up] Engineer Parsons: Let me go, traitors! Mike [as Parsons]: What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww! Crow: Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it! Servo: Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them. Crow: Death by snicker-snag! [the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick] Mike: I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs! Servo [as MacPhearson]: Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party." MacPhearson: Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason? Mike: I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir! MacPhearson: Report to the enforcers' bridge. Servo: Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done![Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]Ryder: Listen, lady! Lea: Doctor! Ryder: Doctor. Crow: Doctor Lady! . . . Ryder: I had to eject! I had no other choice! Servo [as Lea]: That's Doctor I Had No Other Choice! . . .[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]Ryder: Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel. Mike: It's Doctor Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel.[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]Mike: Oh, no, the death of Rick Springfield! Servo: I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl![Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]Servo: Herve Villechaize's Death Car. Mike: Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy! Crow [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three! Kalgan: [laughs evilly]Servo [as Ryder]: Hit the siren! [hums Entrance of the Gladiators] . . . Crow [as Kalgan]: We need both horsepowers on this thing! . . .[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]Mike [as Bodyguard]: I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound![The Sting-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]Servo [as Devers]: [singing] De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]Mike: Hey, wait, she's dead! Servo: Yeah, she's dead! Mike: She died![Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]Capt. Devers: Commander Jansen? Crow [as Devers]: I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. . . .[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? Mike [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! . . . Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret. Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. . . .[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]Mike [as Devers]: 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan.[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]Crow [as MacPhearson]: A horse! My kingdom for a horse! Captain Devers: [referring to another character] Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally. Commander Jansen: Alright. Crow [as Jansen]: Fetch me my warrior muumuu. Commander Jansen: Captain Devers and I have decided: David . . . Crow: You're fired. . . .[Ryder shakes hands with Cmdr. Jansen]Mike: We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.[the crew celebrates Ryder's promotion]Crow: Hey, Sherry's birthday party! Finally! . . . Mike: Woooo! We got ISO 9001 certified! . . .[Ryder leaves to find Lea]Servo: He's gonna have so much sex with your daughter.[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan]Mike: There goes a big, brave brick of meat.[Lea can't bear to watch the events unfolding in the engine room]Lea: I'm leaving. Capt. Devers: Lea? Mike [as Devers]: You wanna get me some coffee? Capt. Devers: Lea! Mike [as Devers]: Get me some coffee![Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]Servo: Toro! Toro! These cars are made by Toro! Mike: You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur? Servo: Oh? Mike: Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked."[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]Crow: Here's some free advice for the mutineers: just stop and aim, you idiots!Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, white thing?[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]Servo: Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!Kalgan: I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's not unsimilar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that. Servo [as Kalgan]: You're too stupid to know anything about dental history. Lea: You bastard! Mike [as Lea]: How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry! [MacPhearson lays in a drainage tunnel, into which flammable gas is pouring. Ryder shoots the gas, causing it to ignite and burn MacPhearson alive.]Servo: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man![View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]Crow: Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be the future![Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]Servo: They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast.[Throughout the film, Mike and the Bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]Crow: Slab Bulkhead! Servo: Fridge Largemeat! Mike: Punt Speedchunk! Crow: Butch Deadlift! Crow: Bold Bigflank! Mike: Splint Chesthair! Mike: Flint Ironstag! Crow: Bolt Vanderhuge! Mike: Thick McRunfast! Mike: Blast Hardcheese! Crow: Buff Drinklots! Servo: Trunk Slamchest! Crow: Fist Rockbone! Mike: Stump Beefknob! Servo: Smash Lampjaw! Crow: Punch Rockgroin! Mike: Buck Plankchest! Crow: Stump Chunkmen! Servo: Dirk Hardpec! Mike: Rip Steakface! Crow: Slate Slabrock! Servo: Crud Bonemeal! Mike: Brick HardMeat! Crow: Rip Slagcheek! Servo: Punch Sideiron! Mike: Gristle McThornbody! Crow: Slate Fistcrunch! Mike: Buff Hardback! Servo: Bob Johnson! Oh, wait... Servo: Blast Thickneck! Crow: Crunch Buttsteak! Mike: Slab Squatthrust! Servo: Lump Beefbroth! Crow: Touch Rustrod! Mike: Reef Blastbody! Mike: Big McLargeHuge! Mike: Smoke ManMuscle! Servo: Eat Punchbeef! Mike: Hack Blowfist! Mike: Roll Fizzlebeef![During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]Servo: Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going? Crow: Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie. Servo: Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike! Mike: Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for? Crow: Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it. Mike: Uhhh...[The music slows down to a power ballad style]Crow: Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins. Servo: Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic. Crow: Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted. Servo: And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger! Crow: Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band! Servo: You're pathetic. Crow: You and your '80s! Servo: Your precious '80s! Crow: You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you! Servo: Yeah! Mike: All right, all right, that's it, that tears it![Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]Crow: You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man! Servo: Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't![After a while Mike sits up]Mike: Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man.[Pause of a second]Servo: Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him! Crow: No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! [sobbing]Servo: [sobbing] It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either! Mike: No no, actually they did end, Tom, there, there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over. Servo: [sobbing] I'm sorry, Mike! Crow: [sobbing] Sorry, Mike! Mike: It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too. Time Chasers Time Chasers (movie) [The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]Servo [as dog]: [talking like Scooby-Doo] Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm. Crow: He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn. Mike: [groaning] Oh, Crow. So early, too.[The logo fades out]Servo: [still talking like Scooby-Doo] Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents— Mike: Okay, stop. Crow: Cut it out.[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]Crow: This is like NFL graphics here. Mike: [imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song][As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]Nick: Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a genius! Servo [as Nick]: A crop-dusting genius![We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]Crow: This... is not our star, is it? I will not accept this as our star, sorry.[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]Mike [as announcer]: Come on down to parallel parking days.[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]Mike: Come to Martin's. WHATUP?!? [Nick boots up his computer] Servo [as the old AOL voice]: You've got mail... pattern baldness![During the first scene in 2041]Mike: [derisively] The, uh, future.[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]Crow: So, in the future, kids become gay agents? . . . Servo: So... 50 years from now will be 3 years from now... . . .[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]Servo: Hey, look—a lesbian... of the future![Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]Mike: Food courts... of the future![Robertson arrives to meet Nick]Mike [as Robertson]: Hi, I'm Bob Evil! Robertson: Trust me. Servo [as Robertson]: Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha![Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]Guard: Come on, this way! [They run down the false route]Mike [as Guard]: Even though I see them running the other way![Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]Servo: Two kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even I know that's a fashion no-no. Servo [as J.K.]: I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles! Crow [as Matt]: I'm a team player![In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]Mike [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart![The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]Servo: Great, now the garbage truck's backing up![Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]Servo: I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!! Crow: The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film. Servo: Yeah, I think—huh?[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]Servo: They're running out of Alt![Cut to a view of the speedometer.]Eddie: And their Miffnots [MPH KNOTS] are goin' down! Lisa: Nick! Crow [as Lisa]: I was shaving this morning and got a nick![Eddie hits Crow in the head and knocks him on the floor.]Eddie: [irritated] Get up! You're all right.[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]Crow [as Nick]: Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands![After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]Crow: 27 Keebler elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree! Mike: E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition. . . . Mike: Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh! Crow: Oh, he's like poo, all right. . . .[as Nick climbs down the tree]Crow: He's climbing an Ent! Servo: [in a deep, Entish voice] Hoom hom, get off me, hm. . . .[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him.]Crow: He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying.[Then, a conveniently placed tree branch falls of the tree and flattens Robertson.]Servo: [Satisfied] Oh. Well that's nice. Thank you, movie![As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]Servo: Did the tree contribute money to the film? Why are they showing this?[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]Servo: So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel. Mike: Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes.[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]Mike: Hey... even declared war on his surge protector...[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]Mike: Who's playing the chamber pot?![The writer credit appears]Crow: Written? This movie was written? I don't think so.[Credits display: Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]Servo: We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day.[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]Servo: Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie! . . . Mike: All these people bear... some responsibility, you know.[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]Servo: Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of stupid Rutland, Vermont! This is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. Go to hell, citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont! Crow: Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Pearl: And now, sit back and enjoy this special nine-part series, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, starring the late Raul Julia, a very wonderful actor. What was he doing in this piece of sh... surely, very quality, quality programming? [Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]Servo: Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote! Mike: Let go of it, man! Servo: Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your Websters, and your Facts of Lifeses, and your Who's The Bossesesses![Movie Sign goes off]Mike: We got movie sign! [Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen][During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]Professor Bobo: Hey, I can sing, too! [singing off-key] And now you find yourself in '82— [Pearl kicks him in the groin.] Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (movie) [The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of Raul Julia's head inside a golden electronic cube]Mike: This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network. Crow: It's a Raulbik's Cube! Servo: Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was... Mike: Oh no, don't say it! Servo: ...Cube-an! Mike: Ahhh.[The cube begins to fade away]Crow: Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man! Servo [as Raul Julia]: But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero![The movie's theme plays]Mike: And now, the news.[New York City PBS affiliate WNET is credited]Servo: That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"?[Title card is shown]Servo: [with monotone sarcasm] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny. Crow: Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything.[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]Mike: Wow. TV's Frank! Servo: Wow. Frank's really come up in the world. Crow: Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine.[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]Crow: SAT farms of the future![Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]Appalonia: He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control.[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]Mike: And its effect on Bugs Bunny. . . . Servo: Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie. . . . Appalonia: And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it. Mike [as Appalonia]: Data entrying with no pants. . . .[Fingal gets caught.]Crow: We now return to Billy Madison.[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]Mike: [on the therapist] It's Merv Griffin! Computer: Ask about his mother. Servo [as Computer]: Ask if she wears Army boots. Servo: So aging lesbian nuns run the future? Apollonia: But of course, almost everyone doppled voluntarily. Fingal was my first compulsory dopple. Mike [as Apollonia]: I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple...[A shuttle passenger dashes impoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]Fingal: I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys? Shuttle Passenger: An anteater... maybe.Crow: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere![We see an overhead shot of the word "Nirvana" written on the ground at Nirvana Village.]Crow: Come... to my mall... to my atrium, yeah yeah![At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]Servo: Oh, look. Must be a Jack-In-The-Box in the food court.[Apollonia informs Fingal of the brain augmentation required before doppling]Fingal: W-- Wait a minute, I changed my mind. Some other time... Apollonia: Sit down, Mr. Fingal. Servo [as Apollonia]: You need to tinkle, Fingal? Apollonia: Nothing to worry about. Servo [as Apollonia]: How 'bout some Pringles, Fingal? Apollonia: Trust me. Mike [as Apollonia]: Just gonna band-saw the top of your head off.[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]Boy: And blue, like this? Teacher: Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later. Boy: Is it sexy?Teacher: We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room.[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]Servo: [chuckling] The littlest sexual deviant. . . .[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]Servo: There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. [In a later scene, we learn that blue tags are the symbol for a sex-change operation.][A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]Servo: Is it "Children of the Damned Day" at the brain institute here?[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]Crow: Doctor Who... the hell cares! Mike: You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too?[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]Fingal: At least I'm not an anteater. Mike: This movie just hates anteaters! . . . Fingal: This cost me every credit I have? Mike: He's gonna start flinging it any minute now! . . . Mike [as Fingal]: I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater![The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]Fingal: What happened to him? He looks drunk to me! Crow [as giraffe]: I'm on medication, okay?[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]Servo [as Worker]: Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo![Fingal's identicube begins flashing red.]Crow: Must be Christmas on the Borg ship. Servo: [singing] See you on the dark side of Raul... Mike: You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up this cinema.[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]Mike: It's Asian Pee-Wee. . . . Crow: Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, Ram Dass. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe... Pierre: Everybody goes to The Place. Servo [as Co-worker]: You know, when they have to go...[On the name of "The Place"]Mike: Formerly "That Other Place". Servo: Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and this was the name they thought up. . . . Servo: Formerly "The Locale". . . . Mike: Formerly "The Site". . . . Crow: It's changed ownership. Now it's a gentleman's club.[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]Mike [as the Fat Man]: All I can eat? The joke's on them![While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]Fingal: I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored![Mike and the Bots all look around]Servo: OK, which one of us said that? Crow: I felt it, I don't... . . . Fingal: Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer! Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]: [dully] I'm okay with that. . . .[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]Crow [as co-worker]: My coffee coupon! ... Fingal: If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work. Crow: I'll be a better zombie![During a rather adult scene]Mike: Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"...[as Fingal attempts to court a simulated version of Felicia]Felicia: I am working, Mr. Fingal. Fingal: Listen, Felicia, why don't we just walk out of here, go back to my place, and make love? Servo: Whoa! I wanna work in data entry! Felicia: Is that your idea of a joke?! Do you wanna get us fired?! Fingal: Not a satisfactory reply, Felicia. [rapidly waves his hands, causing the simulation to rewind]Mike: Oh, there's a fly in here. Crow: [as the simulation rewinds] What's that? Kill myself? Okay, not a problem. [begins to walk away]Mike: No no, stay. Fingal: Now then, shall we go back to my place and make love? Mike [as Felicia]: This is sexual harassment, and I'm gonna take it![Felicia smiles warmly and lets her hair down]Crow: Whoa, look familiar, Mike? Well, probably not. Mike: Hey...[Felicia throws her arms around Fingal]Felicia: Oh, I thought you'd never ask, big boy. Servo [as Fingal]: Well, I'm actually "size doesn't matter boy."[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]Apollonia: You're too much, Fingal, you know that? Fingal: Wait a minute, you're the one who told me to change things if I didn't like them. Apollonia: And this is what you mean by changing things?! Fingal: Why not? I'm entitled to a little bit of happiness, aren't I? Apollonia: Happiness?!Crow [as Apollonia]: You were raised Catholic! ... Apollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life... Crow: Whoa! Apollonia: ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! Servo: Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part? . . . Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman![Apollonia slaps him.]Crow [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. . . . Apollonia: Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is... Servo: Well, slapping him seemed like a good start![In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. Mike: Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister![Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]Computer: What is your access code? Crow: Where do you want to go today? All over this movie, that's where I want to go. Computer: Invalid access. Quit or retry? Servo: I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex.[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]Crow: The chairman's got really bad dandruff. Mike: This is how much pure cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie. . . . Fingal: I'm not making this up! Mike [as Fingal]: I'm not cleaning it up either! Crow: So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the crap out of Fred Rogers.[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]Apollonia: Dopples don't dance, they don't make love... Crow: They're Lutherans![During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]Mike, Crow, Servo: [singing to the background music] You can't always get what you want... . . .[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]Servo [as God]: Here's some more commandments I forgot.[Two sailors enter the club.] Servo [as Maître D']: Ah yes, Mr. Geffen is expecting you. Fingal: Shut up, Fat Man! Mike [as Fingal]: You... you anteater! [As the Fat Man leaves] Crow [as Fat Man]: To Wendy's! [Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.] Fingal: Genius. Pure Genius. Crow: ...couldn't save this film. . . . [At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.] Servo [as Fat Man]: I'm farting Monopoly cards! Mike: Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. [chuckles] Sorry. [In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.] Crow [as Fat Man]: Draw... me some butter! Servo: People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here. [Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.] Mike: Vertigo to hell. . . . Servo: You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now! . . . [Sim-Fingal flies by, arms open.] Mike: I love you this much! [Sim-Rick flies by, his hands in his pockets.] Servo: I don't care for you! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.] Crow: Eating Raul! [Fingal (now Rick) is sending the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.] Rick: Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater! Servo: Lay off the anteaters! Come on! Crow: Man! [Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie.] Servo: Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? [At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "Casablanca".] Crow [as co-worker]: But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week! [The theme plays at the end.] Mike: And now the news. [Theme plays again.]'' Mike: That was the news.