Mystery, Alaska

Mystery, Alaska is a 1999 comedy-drama film directed by Jay Roach and starring Russell Crowe, Hank Azaria, Mary McCormick, Lolita Davidovich, Ron Eldard, Colm Meany, Maury Chaykin and Burt Reynolds about a fictional small-town ice hockey team that plays a game against the New York Rangers of the National Hockey League. A Small Town on the Outskirts of Greatness.taglines Judge Walter Burns Mr. Pruitt, I don't want to hear about Price World, and I don't want to hear another word about a hockey game. We talked about that. Bailey Forgive me, your honor. I'm fat. Big doings we got here in Mystery. Price World wants to come here, and now the New York Rangers want to come. Dialogue Matt: I play hockey and I fornicate, because those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather. Donnie: This is hockey, okay? It's not rocket surgery. Sarah: Mother walrus going "Thwap, thwap, thwap"? Matt: What? Sarah: You want to hear a "Thwap"? [Heinz hits Skank with a shovel] [Mr. Walsh is shot] John: You okay? Mr. Walsh: No, I'm not okay! Do I look okay? The fucker shot me! What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this? I make a business call. I give him my card. And the hick-ass fucker shoots my foot off! Cock-fucking shit! Janice: It's a Rockwellian Christmas up here. Skating. Barbecues. Snow. We're here with defenseman Matt Marden, and... cut! Charles: What? Janice: I can't feel my fingers. Matt: You need to rub them on a nice, warm Yuletide log. Janice: I beg your pardon? Matt: Look, Christmas is a lonely day for a guy to be choking his own chicken. And as women reporters go, I find you supple. Janice: Oh, that was lovely. It's a shame we weren't rolling for that. Charles: I'm sure he'd be happy to repeat it. Matt: [laughing] You need to relax! Janice: Charles! Matt: Do you like massages? [Skank leans over, bursting into laughter again] Donnie: Hey, you know where a guy can get a rub and a tug around here? John Bebe: Women don't like being referred to as fat mammals, Skank. Matt Marden: I never would've said that to her face! Reporter: Did you see your daddy out there? Joey: I have a toy pony, he takes big shits. Bailey: [questioning a witness in court] You don't like our little town very much. Do you, Mr. Walsh? Mr. Walsh: I have nothing against your town, Mr. Pruitt. Bailey: Did you say, "What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this?" [John is jealous after seeing his wife and Charles Danner laughing together in the stands, while John was busy trying to coach the team. Donna doesn't understand why he's upset] Donna: John? John: You've been smiling a lot lately. Donna: [smiling, still puzzled] Excuse me? John: Ever since he came back, Charlie. You been smiling a little more. Donna: [finally understanding] John, that was high school. [he walks a few steps, kicking the snow to reveal the frozen pond below. Then he kicks at the ice again and speaks metaphorically] John: This is not a pond! Scott: And we're getting a Zamboni, Donna. Donna: A Zamboni? Wow, I'm getting wet just thinking about it. Scott: Jesus Christ! [walks away] Donna: Every ex-player turned coach says that they prefer coaching over playing. Why would they all say that? John: Because they can't play. Walter: Hi, what's wrong. Joanne: Uh, Walter, get out. This is private. Walter: I'm entitled to know what's going on under this roof. After all, I am the father of this child... Joanne: Walter, if you don't leave, I *swear* I'll tell you. Walter: [pause] Right. [leaves] Taglines A Small Town on the Outskirts of Greatness. Cast Russell Crowe - Sheriff John Biebe Hank Azaria - Charles Danner Mary McCormack - Donna Biebe Burt Reynolds - Judge Walter Burns Colm Meaney - Mayor Scott R. Pitcher Lolita Davidovich - Mary Jane Pitcher Maury Chaykin - Bailey Pruitt Ron Eldard - Matt "Skank" Marden Michael Buie - Connor Banks Ryan Northcott - Stevie Weeks Beth Littleford - Janice Pettiboe Kevin Durand - "Tree" Lane Scott Grimes - Brian "Birdie" Burns Jason Gray-Stanford - Bobby Michan Adam Beach - Galin Winetka Leroy Peltier - Ben Winetka Cameron Bancroft – "Tinker" Connolly Michael McKean - Mr. Walsh Rachel Wilson - Marla Burns Megyn Price - Sarah Heinz Judith Ivey - Mrs. Joanne Burns Terry David Mulligan – Dr. Henry Savage Mike Myers - Donnie Shulzhoffer Jim Fox - himself Phil Esposito - himself Little Richard - himself L. Scott Caldwell – Judge McGibbons Steve Levy - himself Barry Melrose - himself External links 0134618 Mystery, Alaska Category:1999 English-language films Category:1999 American films Category:Ice hockey films Category:Comedy-drama films Category:Films directed by Jay Roach Category:Films set in Alaska Category:Sports comedy films