Kolchak: The Night Stalker

Kolchak: The Night Stalker (1972–1975) was an American television series that aired on ABC about a Chicago newspaper reporter who, through more accident than design, ends up investigating homicides, many of which involve supernatural forces. Ultimately, rather than reporting on the crimes, he solves them. The series was preceded by the two television movies, The Night Stalker (1972) and The Night Strangler (1973). The Night Stalker Carl Kolchak: [voiceover] Sherman Duffy of the New York Herald once said, "A newspaperman is the loneliest guy on earth. Socially he ranks somewhere between a hooker and a bartender. Spiritually he stands with Galileo, because he knows the world is round." [Sarcastically] Not that it matters much, when his editor knows its flat. Carl Kolchak: [about his vampire story] Judge for yourself its believability and then try to tell yourself, wherever you may be, it couldn't happen here. Carl Kolchak: Don't look now, baby, but Kolchak's coming back in style. Carl Kolchak: [picking up phone] Kolchak. Dr. John O'Brien: Hi, Carl. I just thought you'd like to know I heard the Parkway Hospital was knocked over. Carl Kolchak: Yeah? Knocked over for what? Cash, drugs, equipment, what? [shocked reaction to the response] Blood? Dr. John O'Brien: That's right. Every container in the place. Their entire stock. Carl Kolchak: What about blood type? Dr. John O'Brien: Seems blood type and Rh factor didn't much matter. Carl Kolchak: Chapter One: This is the story behind one of the greatest manhunts in history. Maybe you read about it or rather what they let you read about it. District Attorney Tom Paine: [after a disastrously failed capture attempt of Skorzeny] Well, what are we gonna do? Carl Kolchak: [from the back of the room] Now are you willing to listen to my insane ideas? Sheriff Warren A. Butcher: [angrily] Kolchak, get out of here! District Attorney Tom Paine: Warren, hold it, hold it! Kolchak, you were there, weren't you? Carl Kolchak: Yes. District Attorney Tom Paine: Every man we've questioned insists not only that Skorzeny was possessed of incredible strength, but that he was shot more than once during the capture attempt. Carl Kolchak: Oh, I'd say thirty or forty times. Police Chief Ed Masterson: I'm sorry, I'm not buying that. Carl Kolchak: Captain, you have two choices. Either he was shot, or your entire police department is blind. District Attorney Tom Paine: Ed, let's admit it. We had the man, had him cornered, and we couldn't hold him. Let Kolchak have his say. The Night Strangler Carl Kolchak: [voiceover] This is the story behind the most incredible series of murders to ever occur in the city of Seattle, Washington. You never read about them in your local newspapers or heard about them on your local radio or television station. Why? Because the facts were watered down, torn apart, and reassembled... in a word, falsified. Carl Kolchak: I just saw your "so-called killer" wipe up the street with your so-called police force! Dr. Richard Malcolm: What's a few lives compared to immortality, Mr. Kolchak? Tony Vincenzo: All right, all right. I'm willing to buy the idea that these two series of murders might somehow be connected. I'm even willing to buy that they might have been committed by the same man. [pause] But a man, Kolchak, a man. Not some sort of a super dead man. Sheila: I'm sorry, Captain Schubert is very busy, you can't go in there. Carl Kolchak: Yeah, well, I gotta see him. Sheila: I said you cannot go in there! Carl Kolchak: I'm going in there, sweetheart. Capt. Roscoe Schubert: What's going on here? Sheila: I told him you were busy, sir. Carl Kolchak: I've been trying to see you since one-thirty this morning, and I'm not gonna leave until I do. Capt. Roscoe Schubert: It's all right, Sheila. Sheila: I'm sorry, sir. Capt. Roscoe Schubert: It's all right, Sheila. Carl Kolchak: [shouting to Louise as she heads off in a small boat] You know there's been a murder, don't you? Louise Harper: I also know Seattle is the Northwest's largest seaport. Men come and go with the tide. The murderer is probably in Yokohama by now. Bye! Season 1 The Ripper [1.01] Carl Kolchak: [Voiceover intro] If by chance you happened to be in the Windy City between May 25 and May 29 of this year, you would have had good reason to be terrified. During this time Chicago was stalked by a horror so frightening, so fascinating, that it ranks with the great unsolved mysteries of all time. It's been the fictional subject of films, plays, even an opera. Now, here, are the true facts. Carl Kolchak: [Voiceover] Jane Plumm is fat. She talks a lot about water retention, big boned, but I have to believe the six or eight meals a day with snacks in-between to keep up her strength has a lot to do with it. And Plumm is a reporter however. We have mutual respect, mutual trust. Jane Plumm: I don't trust you, Kolchak. You'd double-cross your own fairy godmother for a story. Carl Kolchak: Why Jane, how can you say a thing like that? Now, you know me better than that. Capt. Warren: You still here? You must like it. Carl Kolchak: This is a wild goose chase if you try to shoot that guy. Capt. Warren: We did it once. We can do it again. Carl Kolchak: You did it once, and he smashed down a steel door. How'd he do that? Capt. Warren: He had an accomplice on the outside. Carl Kolchak: He had an accomplice on the outside? [turns to Vincenzo who's talking on a payphone] What's happening? Tony Vincenzo: Will you shut up a minute! [talks into the phone] Not you. Carl Kolchak: [turns back to Warren] I talked to one of the guys on the TAC squad. It's that fence- the electric fence. That's what stopped him. [turns to Vincenzo] What did you find out? What? Tony Vincenzo: 1908. Carl Kolchak: 1908! Think. In 1908, in New York City, they caught a Ripper. Capt. Warren: I don't have time for this. Carl Kolchak: No. You gotta... You better make time for it. Because that's one thing he's got plenty of. And if you don't stop him now, he's gonna go on forever. Capt. Warren: You're an absurd man, Kolchak. Carl Kolchak: Listen, it's electricity! Don't you understand? That's the only thing he was scared of in New York City in 1908! Do you know why? [Warren walks into his office and slams the door in Kolchak's face] Carl Kolchak: I want to see that prisoner. Capt. Warren: Kolchak, he's in Maximum Security. You know what Maximum Security means? Nobody goes in, nobody goes out. Policeman: [bursts into the room] That prisoner - he just broke out of Maximum Security! Carl Kolchak: Ah hah! The Zombie [1.02] Carl Kolchak: [voiceover intro] Popular folklore would have us believe that deep in the underworld there are ruthless men who fear nothing. [pause] This story should debunk that myth. Carl Kolchak: [voiceover] Captain Leo Winwood and I had a relationship that was long and bloody, like the Crusades, only without the chivalry. Carl Kolchak: [arriving at the cemetery] Hi there. Carl Kolchak, Independent News Service. Uh, is that grave over there for the body from the morgue? Caretaker: Tell me about it. Carl Kolchak: Who are they burying? Caretaker: They want union trouble, I could blow the lid right off. You know, it's against the law to put two parties in the same plot, unless it's a family plot. Carl Kolchak: Two parties? Caretaker: They buried a party there last week. They're stacking 'em like they would be in a high-rise to save money. Oh, what a mess to come back after I've been out sick with the flu. Carl Kolchak: [turns to see that Captain Winwood has arrived] Yeah. Take care. Caretaker: Yes, sir. Carl Kolchak: Looks like we're the only mourners here. Captain Leo Winwood: Kolchak, you keep a lot of people away from their jobs by your nosin' around. Carl Kolchak: Tell me, why is a gold-button captain of the city's finest attending the burial of a black pauper? And who is this black pauper that was buried in this cemetery last week ended up in Russo's burial ground yesterday? And then finally ends up in this cemetery today? Captain Leo Winwood: Kolchak, now you get out of here. Or let me put it another way- If you continue to butt into this situation, you're gonna find yourself pounding on your typewriter with casts up to your shoulders. Carl Kolchak: You gonna break my arms, Captain? Captain Leo Winwood: Now, would I wanna do a thing like that to you, Kolchak? Just ask yourself. Carl Kolchak: [last lines, voiceover] Francois Edmonds, the deceased, was buried for a third time at public expense... a third time. However, THIS time rock salt was poured in his mouth and his lips... were sewn... shut. City officials will deny this but you can see it for yourself. If you'd care to venture out to St. Lucy's Cemetery and... exhume the corpse. Be my guest. If you've got the nerve. They Have Been, They Are, They Will Be... [1.03] Carl Kolchak: [Voiceover intro] I knew this one would be more than the biggest story of my career. It was the biggest story in the lives of everyone on this planet. I fought for the story, fought harder than ever before. I wanted people to know, to be prepared... if you can be prepared for something like this. Carl Kolchak: Then I'll have to start at the beginning, with the autopsy on the dead panda. Tony Vincenzo: [while dining] Carl, start somewhere else, will ya? The Vampire [1.04] Carl Kolchak: [about a man who runs a collection of escorts] Ichabod thought he had added another filly to his stable of trotters. In Ichabod's parlance, his new acquisition was called a fox. He had no way of knowing she was actually more closely related to the bat. Tony Vincenzo: I'm tired of it, Kolchak. I am fed up. I've got a brother-in-law who's got a 14-year-old he's always bailing out of juvenile hall, but I've got you, and you are worse! Police Lt. Jack Matteo: ...And on your way home you can drop off your vampire story in Transylvania! Carl Kolchak: This vampire didn't come from Transylvania, it came from Las Vegas. Carl Kolchak: Listen, tell me, uh... Tell me, Mr... Mr. Sample, what time does the coroner think that Mr. Mitchell died? Deputy Sample: Oh, I'd say about 5:00, 5:30 a.m. I think he lost conciseness way before then. Carl Kolchak: Beautiful country you got up here. Just gorgeous. Gorgeous country. Fresh, clean air, bright sunshine. Deputy Sample: Yes, it's very beautiful. Carl Kolchak: It is indeed. Tell me, what time does the sun usually come up around here? Deputy Sample: In the morning, early. Carl Kolchak: Oh, I know that! What time, about 5:00, 5:30? Deputy Sample: Well, it depends on the season. Why would you want to know that? Carl Kolchak: Because I think that's about the time Mr. Mitchell was murdered. Deputy Sample: You been chewing mescal? Who said he was murdered? I say he died of exposure. You know, Mitchell done stole that car in Vegas. Then he decided to repaint it, and that's why he taped the windows. Carl Kolchak: [looks at Mitchell's car] Where did he repaint it, huh? On the inside? I mean, that's where the windows are taped. [knocks against the window] On the inside. [he and Sample laugh] Deputy Sample: You're one of them fellows who likes to hear himself talk, ain't you? Carl Kolchak: Tell me, did Mr. Mitchell have a couple of puncture marks on his throat, like fang marks? Deputy Sample: The last nosy fellow who come through Barstow, somebody done come out and punctured all his tires. Carl Kolchak: Is that a fact? Deputy Sample: Yes, he did. Carl Kolchak: Thank you very much for your advice, Mr. Sample. It's been a pleasure meeting you and your dog. Carl Kolchak: They booked me for murder just like I thought they would, but then after 12 hours they let me go. They never said why, but while I was sitting in Lt. Matteo's office waiting for execution, I happened to see a coroner's report on Catherine Rawlins. I quote the coroner: "The tissue structure of the individual appeared to be that of a female species human who had been dead at least three years. This is a medical conundrum for which I have no explanation." Three years! The Werewolf [1.05] Paula Griffin: Is this that important to you? Carl Kolchak: Oh, very. Paula Griffin: Okay. But next time, don't try to con me. Just lay it on me. Ron Updyke: I think I'm getting sick. Tony Vincenzo: Well, how about all those megavitamins you've been taking, and the massive doses of Vitamin C? Ron Updyke: They're making me sick. Carl Kolchak: Now, wait just one minute. If you put me someplace against my will and something happens to me, you're gonna have to write a new chapter in the Maritime Code, or my editor's name is not Antonio Vincenzo! Captain Julian Wells: Your editor... Release him - not here, outside! Firefall [1.06] Carl Kolchak: What happened to Mason? Sgt. Mayer: Isn't it obvious? The guy was smoking in bed. Carl Kolchak: I didn't see any ashtrays. Sgt. Mayer: That's his problem. Carl Kolchak: Mrs. Sherman, do you remember me? I was with Sergeant Mayer. Mrs. Sherman: Well, he certainly takes a dim view of you. Carl Kolchak: Well, he's a little dimwitted anyway. Carl Kolchak: Now, do you know anything about these kinds of things? Maria: Oh, well, it's a - it's, uh, a malicious and lost spirit of the dead person who's, uh, trying to wear down a living human being and take over his body - someone he envies, and... what spirit would envy you? Tony Vincenzo: When you get back to the swindle and fraud stories, write about how you're employed here - which is one of the biggest swindles in memory! Maria: Should your paths cross that of a lying reporter, don't tell him anything, particularly about any robberies you may have seen. He will quote you, then mysteriously police will arrive at your door. The Devil's Platform[1.07] Carl Kolchak: The old cliche that politics makes strange bedfellows is only too true. At one time or another, various and sundry politicians have found themselves - when it proved expedient, of course - sharing a blanket with the military, organized crime, disgruntled, gun-toting dairy farmers, the church, famous athletes, the comedians; the list is endless. But there was a senatorial race not so long ago right here in Illinois where the strangest bedfellow of all was found under the sheets. The strangest... and certainly the most terrifying. Carl Kolchak: Political campaigns are generally littered with pollsters and rhetoric - but this one was littered with corpses. Stephan Wald: Palmer, you are a crook. Robert W. Palmer: Oh, now, Steve, why don't you save those colorful descriptives for the opposition, huh? Stephan Wald: Don't you try to con me. I went back to see your old constituency in Dantonville. Oh, you didn't miss a trick, did you? Bribery, extortion, misappropriation of funds. Robert W. Palmer: Those accusations are made all the time in politics, especially when you win elections. Stephan Wald: You didn't win that election. You stole it. You bought it with laundered money. But you're not gonna buy the state Senate, not with me as your bag boy. Robert W. Palmer: I like the way you've run the campaign, Steve. I'm going on to bigger things. I'd like you with me, but if you're determined to quit... Stephan Wald: You don't seem to get the picture, Bob. I'm not just quitting. I'm blowing the whistle. Robert W. Palmer: That would be a mistake. We better talk about it. Stephan Wald: Sure. I'll talk about it, to the D.A. Robert W. Palmer: I can't let you do that. Stephan Wald: You can't stop me. Carl Kolchak: What don't you like about this hat? Tony Vincenzo: What's under it. Carl Kolchak: The people's candidate. Fearless, independent and energetic. Why can't the people's candidate be like the rest of us - timid, insecure and lazy? Bad Medicine [1.08] Carl Kolchak: F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote, "The rich are different than you and me." They sure are. They got more money. But there wasn't enough money in the world to save some of the members of Chicago's upper crust from a fiendish force so dark, it can only be called diabolic. Carl Kolchak: [voiceover] If a man dresses up like an Indian to rob the Gem Exchange, I say he's strange. If he also brings his pet coyote along, I say he's an Indian. Carl Kolchak: [Grabbing his hat and jacket] Okay. If clothes make the reporter around here, then Carl Kolchak can play that game too! Tony Vincenzo: Where are you going? Carl Kolchak: I'm taking the rest of the afternoon off. I am going out and buy myself some new clothes, okay? Emily Cowles: Finally! The Spanish Moss Murders [1.09] Carl Kolchak: [narrating] Chez Voltaire was the Frenchiest of Chicago's French restaurants, which meant that people paid exorbitant funds to be abused by the waiters and eat minuscule portions. The total value of Chez Voltaire's wine cellar exceeded the gross national product of Paraguay. Carl Kolchak: What ever happened to "I'm OK, you're OK"? Capt. Joe 'Mad Dog' Siska: Well, to tell you the truth, you're not OK! The people in group therapy didn't tell me I was ever gonna meet anybody as un-OK as you are. Carl Kolchak: [narrating] There's nothing under the sun that I fear as much as I fear dentist appointments. I was on my way to one, envisioning the agony to come, when the police radio delivered me from that cruel and inhuman fate. Carl Kolchak: I'd never visited the Chicago Botanical Gardens before. Maybe it was my hayfever - or maybe it was a premonition of boredom that kept me away. Carl Kolchak: They say that the mystics of India, while in a trance, can grow back severed fingers and move boulders with the power of their minds. It's documented. Somehow, Paul Langlois - in his special dream state - did even more than that: He created a palpable horror. The Energy Eater [1.10] Carl Kolchak: As the great Louis Pasteur once said, "Any schmoe can invent a rabies vaccine - but when will we find a cure for stupidity?" Receptionist: Here you are, Mr. Kolchak. Carl Kolchak: Thank you very much. Anybody important here today? Receptionist: No, just a bunch of reporters. Jim Elkhorn: What do you mean, "we", white man? Carl Kolchak: [narrating] They were loading unmarked boxes from an unmarked truck - but for me, everything had "double cross" written all over it. [Kolchak and Elkhorn are assembling X-rays from the hospital, trying to build a picture of Matchemonedo, as Kolchak finds one that doesn't belong] Carl Kolchak: That's a vertebrae - what's that doing here? Horror in the Heights [1.11] Carl Kolchak: [opening narration] There are sections of Chicago the guidebooks don't refer to. You can't blame them, really. The guidebooks' function is to sell the glamor and excitement of our Windy City - and whichever way you dress it up, old age is neither glamorous, nor exciting. Roosevelt Heights used to be a plush neighborhood, but the plush neighbors moved uptown, leaving the old people - and old people don't move easily; they become set in their surroundings. Their friends live next door, they've been going to the same store for twenty-five years, and probably the most important of all - they can't afford to relocate, even if they wanted to. The battle of fixed income versus galloping inflation never ends, but even inflation took a backseat here in Roosevelt Heights, as a far greater fear overtook the residents... a terror which effectively dwarfed everything else. Harry Starman: What about the rats? Carl Kolchak: Well, we all have rats, sir. You should see the one I work for. Lane Merriott: Well, the Rakshasa is the disciple of Ravana. Ravana, whose deeds were so horrible he stopped the sun and moon in their course. Carl Kolchak: You know, I had a date in with a girl in college just like that once. Lane Merriott: Mr. Kolchak! I value my time. If it is your intention merely to be a music hall wag, please state so. Carl Kolchak: I'm trying to find out about a creature named a raka... rakashusi... rakalaki... rakasomething. I didn't hear it too well. Lane Merriott: There are a plethora of Indian words beginning with those syllables. Carl Kolchak: Well, this "rak" takes pleasure in eating human flesh. Lane Merriott: [nervously, as customers look somewhat grossed out at them] You're talking about the Rakshasa! Carl Kolchak: The Rakshasa have magical powers, Tony. They seduce their victims to death by taking on the image of someone the victim trusts. Tony Vincenzo: And poor Harry Starman - he trusted you? Obviously he never had to depend on you to come up with a cogent story - something that'll turn a profit! Carl Kolchak: [closing narration] And if you happen to be walking along a lonely country road one night, and you see your favorite aunt coming toward you... good luck to you, too. Mr. R.I.N.G. [1.12] Carl Kolchak: [Voiceover of a groggy Kolchak, who has been doped by the Feds] I don't know when I was in this office last. In some ways it feels like I never left. [pause] No, that's not right. For a while I was away, far away, in the hands of men with no faces. They broke me down, broke my story down, and convinced me it hadn't happened the way I remembered. [Gropes for his tape recorder] Memories fade fast enough without chemical help. But if I don't tell this story now, I'm afraid I never will. Now... what was that date? Carl Kolchak: Tell me, do mortuaries give you a weird feeling? Carl Kolchak: Tony, how many times have you heard that by 1984 the computer will be running us? Carl Kolchak: Who's the father of modern psychology? Mr. R.I.N.G.: Sigmund Freud is commonly given that appellation, but that is more in terms of classical analysis. In the study of pure behavior both Ivan Pavlov and Wilhelm Wundt would have to qualify as well. Carl Kolchak: [to Leslie Dwyer] You said he speaks languages, right? [to R.I.N.G] Say that in French. [R.I.N.G. does] Carl Kolchak: Okay... what's the difference in right and wrong? [R.I.N.G. looks to Leslie] Carl Kolchak: What's the difference in right and wrong? Dr. Leslie Dwyer: No one philosopher or tape can answer that. Can you? Carl Kolchak: [to R.I.N.G] Who had more right to life, you or Dr. Avery Walker? Carl Kolchak: [dictating into his tape recorder] I don't even know where they took me, now. At least I can't be sure. Maybe it was Tyrell Institute, but it could have just as well been the Black Hills of South Dakota for all I know. Was there a drug? Pentothal? Scopolamine? I can't be sure of that either, but there must have been something. I can't even be sure the events even happened the way I have told them. Perhaps when I am completely back in this world, I'll turn on this tape and not believe any of it myself, but I doubt it. Because I believe that somewhere, some place, they, or someone else, will put some other R.I.N.G. together without the help of Leslie Dwyer. And who... who will program him, then? [He turns off the tape recorder] Primal Scream [1.13] Carl Kolchak: During World War Two, close to this very spot, science bore a child that changed the course of human relations and, to this day, threatens to end human history. It was called, innocuously enough, The Manhattan Project, and it grew into the terror we all have come to know as the hydrogen bomb. But this year, only a stone's throw from here, science delivered a new child. Ron Updyke: It seems some dangerous animals did escape, including two large apes, a pair of adult African gibbons, as well as a Malayan tiger, a civet cat, and a pie-cost. Tony Vincenzo: What's a pie-cost? Ron Updyke: 89 cents. [chuckles] Tony Vincenzo: Voila! Nice story, Carl. It's old cabbage. It's already been chewed up by all the other News Services. Carl Kolchak: Let them have the cabbage. We here at I.N.S. will feast on journalistic Filet Mignon. Where's Ron? Tony Vincenzo: Out to lunch. Carl Kolchak: Well, it looks like a freezer, but it's so hot and damp and humid in here, you could steam littleneck clams. Captain Maurice Molnar: Well, it's out of order. Carl Kolchak: Yeah, it stinks, too. It smells of mildew. Phew! Captain Maurice Molnar: Maybe it's your undershirt. Carl Kolchak: Could be your jokes. Jack Burton: Alright. This is Homo Erectus. And, his colleague, here, is Australopithecus. Carl Kolchak: Ah.. Jack Burton: You-see. Early Man. Both of them. Neither has sixteen, double-E Feet. Carl Kolchak: [laughs Pointing at Advanced Australopithecus on The Evolution of Homo Sapiens Chart] I know that one. I work for him. The Trevi Collection [1.14] Carl Kolchak: Okay, how much is it? The Figure: There is no charge. A nominal contribution will be appreciated. [One bill is put into urn] The Figure: Not that nominal. Madelaine: Who are you, a policeman? Carl Kolchak: Do I look like a policeman? I'm a reporter. Madelaine: [about a crime scene] Why do you want to go up there? Carl Kolchak: Why do I want to go up there? Because it's there. Griselda: Unfortunately, for those of us who are genuinely interested in the occult, witchcraft's big business. Carl Kolchak: Ah. Griselda: Big business and free speech is what this country's all about, right? Carl Kolchak: Well, I'll agree about free speech. Carl Kolchak: Dying and maiming were coming into vogue in the fashion business. Chopper [1.15] Carl Kolchak: [voiceover] The teenage years - sixteen candles, fervent passions, aimless joyrides, and the forbidden taste of beer - a time the world allows for sowing one's wild oats; but, for some individuals I came to know in the summer of their discontent, it had been a time when they had sown the seeds of their own destruction. Carl Kolchak: There's an old simple axiom about the dead: Don't disturb them, not for any reason at all. Well, I decided to ignore that, and, so, I was almost beheaded by a phantom sword. Captain Jonas: Now, you're just upset, Mrs. Morton, and thanks to this man and his morbid, macabre babbling! Carl Kolchak: Babbling? And you're supposed to be the brightest and the youngest captain on the force, huh? Well, you're not even fit to be captain of the Rockettes! Suck in your gut! Captain Jonas: And you're telling me that I should go into a barn of bones, and-and find someone's skull, and then play pin-the-head-on-the-stump? Prof. Eli Strig: [Luis is trying to get a guillotine exhibit working] Ah, that's just marvelous, Luis. Fix it! And never mind excuses about 200-year-old wood, either. Hmm. I'm sorry, Mr. Kolchak, but you'll have to come back tomorrow. The exhibit starts tomorrow, and we're unprepared. We're totally unprepared. Carl Kolchak: Yeah, well, I'm only sorry I'm not gonna be able to make the exhibit. Maybe I can help you out with a feature story or... Even with pictures. Prof. Eli Strig: [Luis tests the guillotine exhibit behind them] Wax. Wax, Luis! And some good old-fashioned elbow grease! Carl Kolchak: That always helps. Yeah. Prof. Eli Strig: I like your idea, Mr. Kolchak. But no pictures until we get it working right. Carl Kolchak: Oh, certainly. Prof. Eli Strig: What, um, aspect of the Reign of Terror would you like to concentrate your oeuvre on? Carl Kolchak: Oeu... Prof. Eli Strig: Picture ramifications? Social problems? Historical antecedents, perhaps? Carl Kolchak: Well, actually, I was thinking more about the supernatural aspects. Prof. Eli Strig: The supernatural aspects of the Reign of Terror? That's inane. Carl Kolchak: But original. Prof. Eli Strig: [chuckles] There was nothing spooky about the French Revolution. People lopped off with the heads of thousands of aristocrats and carted them away in straw baskets, then turned the blades on themselves and killed thousands more. Just another segment of Western History. Carl Kolchak: Yeah, I know. I know that a lot of heads we're chopped off during that Reign of Terror. But, uh, were there any unearthly events resulting from that lopping off of heads? I mean, that you know of. Prof. Eli Strig: You're not interested in history, Mr. Kolchak. You're interested in wives' tales. [Luis still can't get the guillotine to work properly] Prof. Eli Strig: Use some steel wood, Luis! Carl Kolchak: Try graphite! What about those wives' tales? Prof. Eli Strig: Oh, there was some... [scoffs] nonsense about, uh, burying the executed in common graves. Well, with careless gravediggers and what have you, the heads and the bodies were often separated, sent to different locations. Carl Kolchak: Oh, you mean like what happens to luggage out at the airport? Prof. Eli Strig: Exactly. Happened to me when I flew into Chicago. Carl Kolchak: It happens all the time here. It's terrible. What happened to those headless bodies? Prof. Eli Strig: Oh, legend has it that headless specters, corpses were seen wandering around the streets of Paris, attempting to wreak revenge on those that had decapitated them. Carl Kolchak: What did the people in Paris do about these wandering corpses? Prof. Eli Strig: A program was instituted to rebury the heads with the bodies, and to make sure that future burials were done with care. Carl Kolchak: And that stopped the dead from walking, right? Prof. Eli Strig: Legend would have us believe it did. [Luis tries to work the guillotine properly, to no avail] Prof. Eli Strig: [sighs] Will you get off that platform? I'll do it myself, Luis! Carl Kolchak: Uh, Dr. Strig? Prof. Eli Strig: Yes? Carl Kolchak: Try shoe polish. Prof. Eli Strig: Shoe polish? Demon in Lace [1.16] Carl Kolchak: [a car is driving down a country road at night. Kolchack speaks in a voiceover] It was Goethe who said we love girls for what they are. Even the great Goethe could have learned something from the tale that took place on the campus of Illinois State Tech. [the car stops in front of a woman] May 10th, 11:02. Don Rhiner, the school's star running back and candidate for All-American was out for a drive. [the woman gets into the car] Don never did make All-American. Rosalind Winters: Uh, do you have a comment to make? Carl Kolchak: Well? Capt. Joe 'Mad Dog' Siska: Yeah - but you couldn't print it. Capt. Joe 'Mad Dog' Siska: Look, Kolchak - I gotta tell you something. Some people dream about retiring. Carl Kolchak: Uh-huh. Capt. Joe 'Mad Dog' Siska: I dream about breaking your face. Carl Kolchak: I love you too, Siska. Listen - how's your therapy coming along? A-okay? Capt. Joe 'Mad Dog' Siska: Shut up. Carl Kolchak: He went bananas in Iraq. Prof. C. Evan Spate: He should have stayed in Chicago. The same thing would have happened; he would have saved travel expenses and jet lag. Carl Kolchak: [into his tape recorder] The campus security force insisted on calling the Chicago Police to press charges against me. But they found a sudden surprising resistance from Dr. C. Evan Spate, who claimed the tablet had been broken accidentally. And despite verification by a confused and frightened Michael Thompson, neither reporter, Ms. Rosalind Winters nor I, had enough hard evidence to file a story. It had all turned to dust. However, published story or not, I can only say to you is that if you should ever meet a young woman who seems just too lovely to be really of this world, well just remember, there's a very good chance that she isn't. [chuckles] Legacy of Terror [1.17] Carl Kolchak: Businessman? What businessman keeps a mummy in the basement and a dummy in a key staff position? Tony Vincenzo: Carl, you yourself said that the mummy vanished, right? Carl Kolchak: Yeah. Tony Vincenzo: You had a terrible hit on the head, and you saw things. And as for having dummies in key staff positions, I'm as guilty as the next. Carl Kolchak: I won't be around for the new Millennium, will you? Tony Vincenzo: It says here the Andrews family changed their name from Arguello. And they're from Jalisco, and the hotel chain started in Veracruz. Carl Kolchak: It's Ha-lisco, Tony, not Ja-lisco. Tony Vincenzo: Oh, excuse me, Jose. I don't care if they came from Hersey City, New Hersey! There are Mexicans there too, but none of them are Aztecs. Carl Kolchak: If Chicago Bears and Green Berets aren't safe on the streets of Chicago, who is? Carl Kolchak: I promised I'd show up with a haircut, a new hat, and pressed suit... but I lie a lot. The Knightly Murders [1.18] Carl Kolchak: [voiceover] Tuesday, 11:15 pm. If you know anything about Chicago politics, you'll understand why a 63-year-old ward captain was braving the ungentle hour and the less-gentle streets. You see, Ward Captain Leo J. Ramutka was returning hone from a wake: an Auf Wiedersehen to a loyal, registered voter he knew would one day meet him at that great polling station in the sky. What Ward Captain Ramutaka failed to foresee was how soon that meeting would be. Capt. Vernon Rausch: But a knight - in armor? Make me believe that, Carl, because if I find you're shooting me through the grease, it'll have a definite detrimental effect on how we interface with each other. Capt. Vernon Rausch: [to Kolchak] You are a man who has resorted to lies and chicanery to the point of being pathological. I believe that you suffer from autosuggestion; and, in an obsessive desire to win approval expressed through the need for a big story, you convince yourself that what you want to be true *is* true. In short... I believe your brain has turned to onion dip. Carl Kolchak: What is important is that it takes 420 pounds pressure - psi. - to crush a telephone. Now, it says right here that a medieval knight in full armor and in full weaponry weighs well over 400 pounds. Tony Vincenzo: Oh, I feel much better. All my life I wanted to know that a medieval knight could crush a telephone. Capt. Vernon Rausch: He was stabbed. Carl Kolchak: Stabbed? Capt. Vernon Rausch: [Makes a stabbing motion toward his chest] You know. Carl Kolchak: Yes, of course. But... stabbed by what? Capt. Vernon Rausch: Fair question. Something round and sharp. I'd say, a structural facsimile to an ice pick. Carl Kolchak: Ice pick. Capt. Vernon Rausch: There is, however, one disconcerting wrinkle to that premise. This particular instrument would have to have a three-inch diameter. Carl Kolchak: Then it isn't an ice pick! Capt. Vernon Rausch: All right, I'll buy that. I can buy a direct question, and I respect you for it. Carl Kolchak: [totally confused] Thank you, Captain. The Youth Killer [1.19] Sergeant Orkin: You're Kolchak? Carl Kolchak: Yeah, that's right. Sergeant Orkin: You're the one the precinct captains are always talking about? Carl Kolchak: What do they say? Sergeant Orkin: That you're a pinwheel. Kaz: Hey, why don't you take another cab? Conventioneer: [speaking with a hangover] Who do you think you're talking to, cabbie? I am the president of my own feed company. I flew here first class. I'm staying at the Randolph, the biggest hotel in the world. Twenty-four hundred rooms. Kaz: Hey, sport, you are not staying at the biggest hotel in the world. The Hotel Rossiya in Moscow has thirty-two hundred rooms and your hotel's nothing. Conventioneer: [pauses] Who counts Communists? Tony Vincenzo: Carl, do you mind if I read the copy? After all, I am the bureau chief here. Carl Kolchak: Yes, absolutely, Tony. Absolutely. Tomorrow morning, first thing, I'll spitball a few ideas at cha. Tony Vincenzo: Spitballing a few ideas is when you start a feature, not when you're polishing it. Carl Kolchak: No, no. That's the way I work, Tony. See, I spit and polish at the same time. Ron Updyke: With the proper food and exercise, you should be able to do everything at ninety that you can do at nineteen. The Sentry [1.20] Carl Kolchak: Now, if you can help me, I, uh, I can make it worth your while. Ted Chapman: How do you know how much my while is worth? Lieutenant Irene Lamont: Did a guy come in here wearing a seersucker suit with red hair? Receptionist: There was a Mr. Kolchak. I believe he was with a nickel firm in New Mexico. Lieutenant Irene Lamont: He's got nothing to do with nickel. He's the proverbial bad penny. Now, where is he? Carl Kolchak: Kindness!... That woman is about as kind as a Sturmbannführer. Tony Vincenzo: [Angrily, in reply to Kolchak who criticized the way he's eating] Don't tell me what to do with my mouth! Cast Darren McGavin - Carl Kolchak Simon Oakland - Tony Vincenzo Jack Grinnage - Ron Updyke Ruth McDevitt - Emily Cowles Carol Ann Susi - Monique Marmelstein John Fiedler - Gordon "Gordy The Ghoul" Spangler Keenan Wynn - Captain "Mad Dog" Siska External links 0621544 Category:ABC shows Category:1970s American horror TV shows Category:1970s American science fiction TV shows Category:1970s American crime drama TV shows Category:TV shows about journalists Category:1970s American mystery TV shows