The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (season 2)

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 | Main The following is a list of quotes from the second season of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Did the Earth Move for You? Will: [singing to himself] I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. I'm goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers! Will: [after Kathleen insults his childhood teddy-bear] Hey, hey, HEY! Don't you be dissin' my bear! The Mother of All Battles Dr. Hoover: Your daughter suffers from displaced aggression syndrome. Vivian: Oh, Dr. Hoover, I'm afraid I would have to give a second opinion before I could believe that. Mrs. Hoover: Oh, it's definitely displaced aggression syndrome. Dr. Hoover: Let me put it in simpler terms. This is where a child acts out the repressed hostility of an unhappy home. Vivian: And what is that supposed to mean? Mrs. Hoover: Oh, too many big words? Vivian: No, Miss Thing, but I got a couple small words for you. Philip: Vivian! Will: [enters] Hey, good news, people. The girls... Dr. Hoover: Obviously, your wife is upset. It's common with women in mid-life. I'd be happy to prescribe something. Philip: Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree? You find it on the back of a matchbook? Will: Please, my humble brothers, please... Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother. Philip: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through. Dr. Hoover: Impressive! You must've been quite an athlete in your thinner days. Will: Okay, time out! Time out! Philip: Hey, hey, hey! Let's stick to the topic, okay? Dr. Hoover: Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter oughta be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized. Philip: Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter suits the criminal profile to a T. Right down to the low, sloping forehead, and the wide jaw suitable for grains and small rodents! Dr. Hoover: I think you must have her confused with yo' mama. [Philip punches him, and Hoover falls on Will] Will: That's it, Uncle Phil! You're grounded! [to Dr. Hoover] Y'know, I'd be happy to prescribe something for that. Will Gets a Job Will: Yo, what's up, y'all? You know if Uncle Phil's in a good mood? I'm trying to hit him up for $50 for the homecoming. Carlton: Will, $50 is only gonna cover the tickets. There's still the tux, the limousine, the pre-party party, the post-party party, and, in your case, bail. Will: Yeah, you're right. This could cost a fortune. Hilary: Oh, That's okay. Daddy's got a fortune. I always find that when you ask for large sums, it helps if you take his hand look deep into his eyes, and tell him you have cramps. Carlton: That only worked for Hilary. When I tried it he sent me to a specialist. Vivian: Maybe Will did get a job. Philip: Oh, please, Vivian. You'd believe that boy if he told you that he was a big rap star whose album just went platinum. Will: [as a pirate in a restaurant] Welcome to the Briny Deep, where none of our prices are ever too steep. We got fresh fish, you can look at our tank, to get to the bathroom make a left at the plank. Follow me. PSAT Pstory (Will and Carlton enter the kitchen with cleaning equipment) Carlton: (about the PSAT) I don't believe it. You couldn't have done better than me. Somewhere, there's an Asian Will Smith and he's really ticked. Will: Carlton, it was one measly little percentile point, all right? But I won't hesitate to throw it in your face if you don't leave me alone. Carlton: Well, everyone still knows I have the superior intellect. (he sprays the kitchen window) Will: Than why are you using car wax on the window?! (patronizing voice) This a window. This Windex? Can you say that little man? Hilary: Geoffrey just looked back and gave a sad little wave. Will:(to Ashley) And fortunately, you're too young to know what he was waving. Philip: Geoffrey, after seeing your good work this past year, we have decided to increase your pay by twenty dollars per week. Geoffrey: (mockingly) Thank you, sir. And, with my newfound wealth, I shall be able to treat myself to a Happy Meal! Carlton: I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food, and daily threats of violence. I'll have to get a Jheri Curl and tattoo. Will: Carlton, They're not gonna send you to jail for cheating on a test. Carlton: I wasn't talking about jail, I was talking about public school! Granny Gets Busy Will: Hey, grandma. What do you think? Hattie (walking in the living room to see Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will): Six years of Oprah and this is still a shock. Carlton: It's a bet, Grandma. Hattie: Don't tell me what happens if you lose. In fact, I don't want to know what happens if you win. Oh, Hell. Let's just never mention it again. Philip (walking in the living room to see Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will): Son -- and I use that term loosely. Carlton: Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress. Philip: That's exactly what it looks like. Guess Who's Coming to Marry? Bobby: Cousin Carlton, Tomorrow, can you take me to Disneyland? Carlton: Forget it. I will not be an accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse. [After seeing Janice's fiancé for the first time] Vivian: Gee, when Janice described him, she didn't mention that he was... tall. Not that I have any problems with people who are... tall. Lester: My cousin used to date a girl who was, uh... tall. Phil: Heck, the boys go to a predominantly... tall school. Will: Am I alone in this, or did none of y'all notice he was white? Vi: What the hell is wrong with Janice?! Will: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "white"? [smiles weakly] I meant "tall". Hilary: He didn't seem that tall to me. Carlton: I was thinking, since Janice is of the Negroid persuasion and Frank is of the Caucasoid persuasion, we could try these songs for the wedding... [Carlton sings a few lines from "Ebony and Ivory" by Paul McCartney then "Jungle Fever" by Stevie Wonder] Carlton: So, Will, what did you think? Will: I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth. Will: Bobby, I like it whenever you come. They all appreciate me after you leave. The Big Four-Oh Will: (cheering) We beat 'em, we dissed 'em, we whipped they butts good, but that was kinda stupid, y'all, we in they neighborhood. Run! Will: Yo! Yo! Yo! We're here to display... Carlton: A look at a woman who's 40 today. Hilary: She's smart and well-dressed, so just to give thanks... Ashley: This is your life, Vivian Banks. She Ain't Heavy Will (to Dee Dee): Would you ever wear white after Labor Day? Dee-Dee: If it's clean and I can button it, I'll wear anything. Cased Up Philip [to Will about his new car] Until I see some insurance papers, you're not driving this car. In fact, what kind of idiot would sell a car without insurance? Jazz: I resent that. The joke's on you, Mr. Banks. You can't throw me out, 'cause I'm already outside. [Philip picks up Jazz then proceeds to throw him into the kitchen] Will: You've heard of the Batmobile, get a load of the Rapmobile! Hi-Ho Silver (After stealing silverware they thought was theirs) Will: Carlton, why do I have service for eight in my drawers? Sonya Lamor: Hello darling...NO photographs! Hilary: I hope there's no papparazzi around here Sonya Lamor: Oh don't worry darling, they don't know I live here Hilary: No, it's because people mistake me for Whitney Houston. The Butler Did It (Will enters the kitchen carrying two suitcases.) Carlton: Will, it's nice of you to help Mom and Dad with their bags. Will: Oh yeah, man. I mean, they treat me so good here, I do whatever I can to repay their kindness. Carlton: Can't wait for them to leave either, huh? Will: Does Barry White want seconds? Something for Nothing Will [looking at Carlton's book cover]: "How To Beat The Odds? Sorry C, there's no way to beat it. You're odd." Christmas Show Will: Carlton, skiing is for white guys named Sven, and O.J. Simpson. Carlton: Oh, Will, you deprived product of the ghetto. Skiing is an exhilarating sport. Will: What is exhilarating about strapping two sticks to your feet, flying down a hill at 90 miles an hour, and then slamming into a tree? This is L.A., man. If I wanted to get my head cracked, I'd star in the next Rodney King video. Hilary: Forget it, Ashley, I am not getting you a stun gun for Christmas. Ashley: I'm not really going to use it on Cousin Bobby I just want to scare him with it. Hilary: Look, we haven't seen him since Aunt Janice's wedding. Maybe we remember him worse than he is. Will: Yeah, right, and maybe it was Barbie's idea to catch that tan in the microwave. Hilary Gets a Life Will: [to Hilary] I've been busting my hump ever since you got a job. [Philip reads off the family's credit card bills] Philip: Carlton, ninety dollars for a pair of socks? That's ridiculous. Vivian: It certainly is. Oh Philip, that's nine dollars. Philip: Oh...Ashley. How could you manage to charge eighty dollars worth of trinkets on our account at the drug store? Vivian: That's eighty cents. Sweety, do you need to get your eyes checked? Philip: Don't be ridiculous Vivian. Vivian: This has been going on for months. If you move the TV any closer to the bed, I'll be sleeping with Jay Leno. Philip: Now, this looks like it says "300 dollars for shoes." What's that say? Vivian: 300 dollars for shoes. Hillary: Point being? My Brother's Keeper '[Will and Tyriq are sitting at the table eating] Carlton: Will, you shouldn't be eating that garbage. Everybody knows while you're in training: no fats, no chocolate and no women. Will: Then I should probably cancel my date with that fat chocolate woman. Carlton: Will, you better listen to me if you want me to be your manager. Will: My manager? I don't even want you to be my cousin. Carlton: I didn't hear that. Tyriq: He says, HE DON'T EVEN WANT YOU BE HIS COUSIN! Geoffrey Cleans Up (Geoffrey's down on his millionaire girlfriend, and Will starts singing the blues and playing harmonica) Will (singing): ...My butler is black ...My butler is blue ...'Cause his honey's got green ...coming out her wazoo. (Carlton helps his father try on wigs.) Carlton: What do you think of this one, Dad? Philip: I look like Little Richard, Attorney at Law. Geoffrey: Dinner is served. (sees Philip) A-whop-bop-aloobop-a-wop-bam-boom! Community Action (Geoffrey sneezes) Vivian: Geoffrey, it sounds like you're getting a cold. Geoffrey (speaking with nose stuffed up): Not at all, madam. It was barely a stipple. There you go, Master William. Will: Thanks a lot, G. It looks great. (Geoffrey sneezes in Will's cereal) Will: Yo, Carlton. Breakfast! Ill Will Will: Will Smith, tonsils. Max: Max Jakey... everything else. Sweaty palms, kid? First-timer, huh? Will: Man, you trippin'. I was 15 when I first... You mean surgery. Dr. Baylor: [his glasses on his head] I've gotta find those glasses. Will: [prays] God, please don't let me leave here with breasts. Eyes on the Prize Jazz: (to Will, about Tyriq) What's he doing here? Tyriq: (to Will, about Jazz) No, what's he doing here? Will: Now, y'all not still mad about that watch thing. Tyriq: He sold me a fake Rolex. Jazz: He paid with a fake $20. Will: [to Tyriq] Now, first of all. You should have known it was fake when you saw that the warranty was only for two hours. [to Jazz] And you should have known the Jackson on the $20 ain't Jermaine. Jazz: They all look the same to me. Bob Eubanks: What is the capital of Ohio? (Tyriq buzzes in) Eubanks: Tyriq? Tyriq: That would be the capital "O", Bob. Those Were the Days Vivian: Marge, when you told Will that we chained ourselves together at sit-ins, you're only giving him the romantic part of the struggle. Girlfriend, you are leaving out everything that went before it: the leaflets, the petitions, the years of trying to work through the system. Marge: The system doesn't work. You have to blow the door down. Looks to me like you forgot that. Philip: You talk as if I wasn't there with you in Birmingham facing dogs and firehoses. This is me, Olufemi, the same Olufemi that was with you the night Harlem went up in flames, but now I have a family and I choose not to fight in the streets. I have an office to fight from and I have fought and won cases for fair housing, affirmative action, health care and I am not ashamed to write a big fat check for something I believe in and that doesn't make me any less committed than you, so don't you dare look down your damn nose at me, Adebola. Philip (to Marge): Remember Woodstock? Marge: Yes. Philip: Twenty of us tried to squeeze into that tent. Vivian and I jumped into that lake naked. Vivian: I wasn't at Woodstock. Vying for Attention Vivian (to Geoffrey): So, how's the chicken holding up? Geoffrey: I'm afraid it's drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford Center, madam. Will: I know my Ma. She's just trying to get to her retirement plan and her rocking chair. Carlton: Is that why she's moonwalking up the driveway? The Aunt Who Came to Dinner Helen: Lester, Don't make me get Ethnic on you! Helen: You know how they say men are animals in bed? Vivian: [*smirks*] Yes? Helen: Well I don't. Be My Baby Tonight Geoffrey (to Will): Aren't you dressed a little early for your date? Will: I ain't going on a date. I'm going on a phone call. Geoffrey: That's what I call safe sex. Ashley: I know where babies come from. I took sex education. Phil: I thought you took band. Strip-Tease for Two (at the Gingham Turtle restaurant, where Carlton is performing a striptease) Woman: Take it off! Vivian: Put it on! Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute! Carlton: Mommy?! (he covers his chest with his hands) Philip: I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt. Carlton: We needed the money. Philip: For what? And I want the truth. Will: All right. It's like this Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock. Philip: Federal offense. Go on. Will: Then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock. Philip: Grand Larceny. Impressive. Will: Then we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back. Philip: That would be indecent exposure. Is there more? Carlton: I'm afraid so dad. We never got the clasp fixed on mom's bracelet. (all three start laughing) Philip: You never got...I don't know what to say. What can I do? What do you boys think I should do? Will: I don't know...reward us for our honesty? (they laugh again) Hey, it worked for the Beave! Philip: "The beave"! [they all laugh inaudiably; Philip suddenly stops] Philip: [loudly] DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE GUY NAMED WARD?! Now, you get that bracelet back and for the next six weeks, I don’t want to hear you breathe. Or I’m calling the feds MYSELF! Will: [pause] I guess this probably ain’t the best time to tell him we ran over the mailbox. Category:The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air seasons