The Smoking Room

The Smoking Room (2004–2005) is a television show created by Brian Dooley. It focuses on the workers of an office who come to the building's smoking room and discuss various situations they face. Season 1 Doo Di Dum Di Da [1.1] Annie: So, should I go for that drink with Dan? Sally: Do you wanna go for a drink with him? Annie: I'm not sure. Sally: Annie, you've got to a third date. You've never managed that before. Annie: No. You were right. Refusing to have sex straight away kept him keen. Sally: Yea, you've got to hold back 'til at least the fourth, fifth date. Annie: Ahh. Sally: You didn't? Annie: I did. Three times! He said I was very accomplished. But, you'll promise you'll keep this to yourself… Sally: Of course. Annie: He wanted me to dress up as a police officer. Sally: Oh yeah? The old black stockings? Annie: A male police officer. Sally: Ahh. Annie: Quite specifically, the officer in charge of the Fred West case. Sally: Yeah… best off out of that. Barry: So, Janet. Why am I only possibly going to get this promotion? Janet: Well there's the interview to get through first. Barry: Yes, but that's just a formality. Janet: It certainly isn't! Barry: Ha. They're not going to give the job to Malcolm, are they? Robin: Alchy-Malchy? Congratulations Barry! It's in the bag. Janet: I think it was very brave of Malcolm to admit he's an alcoholic. Robin: What choice did he have? He was sprawled over reception in a pool of his own vomit! With a traffic cone on his head. And he'd shat himself! Annie: Not just himself... Lilian: Honestly Barry? You're taking over from Martin? Barry: Umm, well I thought I was. Now it just seems I've been hauled in to bump up the numbers. Lilian: Ahh, like Posh in the Spice Girls. Lilian: No, there's some cracking lady bosses about. Barry: You can't mean Sharon. Lilian: Well obviously I don't mean Sharon. Like Hitler in a trouser suit that one. Barry: Hitler wore a trouser suit. Lilian: Not in lilac. R.I.P. [1.2] Annie: [Crying] One minute there, the next… well, still there, but… dead. Sally: Come on, Annie, he was only a rabbit. Annie: There was nothing only about Brighteyes. Robin: A rabbit? Annie: [Upset] Yeah. Robin: A bunny rabbit?? Annie: Yes. Robin: Oh, for fu–. I thought you were crying about Martin! Annie: Why would Martin's retirement bother me? Sally: Martin hasn't just retired. He's gone and died n'all. Annie: No, when? Sally: Saturday. Annie: What of? Sally: Shrugs Annie: It wasn't the food at his party was it? Robin: Why are you asking me? I'm not Quincy! Annie: Because I had a whole plate of those mini tartlets. Robin I think he just dropped dead. Annie: Phew! well, here's hoping, eh? [Clint has left people stuck in a lift for a quick fag] Clint: It's my first one all morning! If I don't have one now I'll have to wait 'till lunchtime. Sally: Tell that to the people in the lift! Clint: Oh, I have. [Discussing reincarnation] Robin: I wouldn't want to come back again, and if I had to, I'd expect considerably better next time round. Annie: We're all just here to learn a lesson, and once it's sunk in, we move on to a higher plane. Sally: Where do you pick up this crap? Annie: On my mystic mug. A friend brought it back from Goa. It's covered in holy writings, and when you drain the dregs you can see Vishnu giving you four thumbs up. Barry: When I was a little boy I wanted to be a surgeon. Robin: What went wrong? Barry: Well, they don't let children perform operations. Len: How cheated would you feel? You've spent your days slaving away for these fuckers, working your fingers to the bone, and when you get some time back to yourself, you go and drop dead in Asda's frozen food isle. Lilian: Not even fresh. Barry: He didn't die in Asda!? That's where I shop! Robin: The fatality rate must be pretty low though, Barry. Lilian: He was just leaning down to fetch a tub of Carte D'or when the whole of his left side went stiff. Poor Pat thought they'd had the freezers up too high, but no… fatal stroke. Sharon: Now, I take it you've all heard the sad news about Martin. Len: [Looking up and shaking his fist] Bastard! Sharon: Len, he's not even in his grave! Len: God's a bastard. Sharon: Oh, fine. Sharon: Still, if people would observe the company rule about not opening attachments. Lilian: You don't always know they're not work related. I opened one this morning from a client. It was the filthiest thing I've ever clapped eyes on! Robin: Was it the woman with the donkey? Lilian: Yeah. Barry: I think you'll find it was a mule. Lilian: I can understand the animal enjoying itself, but what could that dirty bitch get out of it? Barry: Well, from what I saw, lockjaw. Lilian: I can't get it out me head. Barry: That's probably what she was thinking. Robin: Trannies are people, too, you know! They're not lepers! Barry: Lepers are people. Len: Death, eh? We're just passing shadows in the big scheme of things. Gone in the twinklin' of an eye. No rhyme, no reason to it. Your parents have it off, and if the doo-dah meets the wotsit, nine months later out you pop! And you think you've got all the time in the world, don'tcha? When you're young. But the sands of your life are tricklin' down all the while. And as the years pass, they trickle all the quicker. And before you know where you are, they're booking your funeral. Lilian: Oh, Leonard. You are quite profound when you're not swearing. Len: Fuck off! Pantball [1.3] Robin: Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire. Barry: You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands. Sharon: Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again. Annie: Is that true, about your knackers? Robin: Yeah, it's happened to loads of people. Annie: Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list. Janet: Oh, that's wonderful! Sharon: It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit. Annie: And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun] Len: And whatever fucker signed my name up for it. Lilian: Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too. Sally: Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs. Robin: What's he ever done to you? Sally: Just don't like him. Sharon: No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves! Annie: But– Sharon: Did you not consider all this, Janet? Janet: It wasn't my idea! Sharon: It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink! Annie: Oh, it's so silly of me to cry like this. My counsellor says I've got to learn to be less touchy. Robin: I didn't know you had a counsellor. Annie: Oh, yeah. Well, he's not mine as such. He's a woman off the telly's, in a documentary about crack whores. I have such a lot of things in common with her. Light My Fire [1.4] Robin: Ring Annie. Sally: No way. Robin: Alright, gimme your phone, let me. Sally: Tsk. She's probably got it on vibrate. She'll never feel it through those thighs. Wait, if I miss Beats FM while you're calling her, I'll never forgive you. […] Robin: [Ringing Annie] Fancy letting it go this long without going to answerphone. Dozy f– Oh, hi. Um– […] Well yeah, obviously "we're talking now". […] Oh, I see, no, I'm not Sally, it's Robin. […] Well, how many Robins do you know? […] How many? Look, anyway, I'm down in the smoking room and no-one's got a light, so could you pop down with yours? […] Well, could you leave your appraisal for five minutes? I mean, tell them it's urgent? […] Oh right, I mean why doesn't that surprise me? You've never got any fags, why would you have a lighter!? […] No, Annie don't– No, don't start crying. D– Oh, bugger! She hung up! Sally: Yeah, she's self, self, self. Robin: That man. Out there. I think he's smoking. Lilian: Smoking? Len: Yeah, he is. Lucky sod! Robin: [Jumping up to bang on the basement window] Hello, Mr. Smokey Man! Lilian: He'll never hear that, you've got to bat the hell out of it! Give us a leg up, Len. Len: What, with my back? Lilian: Oh. [looking at Robin, then elsewhere] Uh, Barry, then. [Barry picks up her and she starts banging on the window] Sally: Has he heard you? Lilian: No. Oi, cloth-ears! Are you deaf? Robin: Oh, he might be. You shouldn't have a go at him for it. Lilian: No, I think he's whistling. The deaf can't whistle, can they? Len: Not in tune. Chocolate Box [1.5] Heidi: So, did you miss me? Robin: When? Heidi: When I was away. Robin: [Blank look] Heidi: To have my baby. Robin: [Blank look] Heidi: Don't you remember? We had that baby shower. The lads from packing dressed up as The Supremes, sang Baby Love. Robin: [Blank look] Heidi: The 4th floor gave me that SuperDoopa buggy. We were laughing because little Tina Swanson could fit in it. We pushed her down the corridor? Robin: [Blank look] Heidi: She fell out and broke her collar bone. Robin: [Blank look] Heidi: Ben from the post room showed us all his bum. Robin: Oh yeah! Ben's arse. Heidi: It was quite a difficult birth, though. I ripped. All the way round. I've got some pictures! Lilian: [On Valentine's Day] It's all just a con to make you part with your cash. Like Children In Need. Janet: I love to see couples getting together. Clint: I'm with you there, Jan. I've got this DVD, yeah– Janet: Not in that way! Annie: Something might come in the final post. Sally: God, I hope so. Annie: You've already had a card. Sally: I meant for you! I'm sick to death of you droning on. Annie: It's alright for Mrs Smugs. She's already had a card, she's sorted. Some of us would like to feel loved! Sally: Yeah, if you think a card from some wanker in accounts, telling me, in way too explicit detail, what he'd like to get up to with me and Beyoncé makes me feel loved, then you, missus, have got another thing coming. Annie: I'd have been delighted to get a card like that... Barry: It's one of the most common places to meet a sexual partner; The Workplace. Annie: Is it? I've met most of mine on the Night Bus. Robin: I sometimes think all the people you have a real, over-powering obsession with… or even get to go on a proper date with, if you're lucky: All have a little aspect of the person you're gonna end up with. Sally: Do what? Robin: You take certain qualities from different people that only come together in your perfect match. So your one true love will be made up of all the best bits, or at least the things you could actually put up with, from all your previous boyfriends [catches himself] Girlfriends! So all those disastrous relationships are kind of working towards a kind of Frankenstein's Partner. Clint: Rah! Who'd want that? Annie: I always thought Dracula was sexier. All that biting. Robin: No, in terms of personality. So you get this one's ability to cook, as far as you can tell, from the one occasion they actually bothered to. The way that one would sometimes get a round in, rather than leaving you to foot the bill all night. Although looks can enter into it. I mean you could go out with someone for three whole weeks and wonder what the hell you're doing with them; why you put up with their mood swings and their droney voice and the fact that they wouldn't let you smoke in the flat but force you out onto the Fire Escapey bit in the middle of January! I mean, you think you're just staving off loneliness and boredom, where as you're actually going out with your future partners... ears. Barry: No, I don't agree with that. [leaves] Feeding Time [1.6] [Janet is looking out the window at the pouring rain as Barry enters the room behind her] Janet: God, this is all I need! Barry: Is this still about the suggestion box, Janet? Because, you know, if you didn't really want constructive advice, you should never have introduced it! Janet: [Confused] I was talking about the rain. [Angrily] Although, I wanted suggestions for fun social events, not personal attacks! Lilian: Aww, did he have a go at your frumpy clothes? Janet: No. He said my short temper and abrasive manner only serve to… Barry: Alienate people. Janet: You try doing my job! See how many smiles you crack! Barry: [Reading from the crossword] Unidentified flying object. 3 letters. Robin: UFO. Barry: Yes. 3 letters. Robin: Yeah, UFO. Barry: Yes. Unidentified flying object. 3 letters. I know it's not flying saucer… Robin: No, it's UFO. That's the answer. Unidentified flying object, 3 letters. The answer's UFO. Barry: But that's the same thing! Robin: That's, more or less, how crosswords work. Barry: D'you really think there is intelligent life out there somewhere? Robin: God, I hope so. Barry: As long as they're friendly, like E.T. or the ones that used to sell mashed potato. Annie: Ooh, lots of sandwiches there, Barry! Barry: Yes! Annie: You've made yourself too many! Barry: Nope. Gordon: I think, with it being a rainy lunch hour, there might be one or two non-smokers stopping by here. Hey! I wonder who'll end up outnumbering who? [Miming flamboyantly] Smokers… or non-smokers? Cause there's me and Janet from the healthy brigade now, and you… you five puffers from the home side. But! Who'll be next, through the door! Lilian: Hope it's a fella. Gordon: A smoker, or a non-smoker? Robin: [Awkward pause when he realises Gordon is looking at him] Smoker. Gordon: Ding! Lilian: Same, here. Gordon: Ding! Bernie, who'll be next in? Barry: Barry. Gordon: Does Barry smoke? Barry: Yes. Gordon: Ding! Three votes for a smoker. Len? Len: I couldn't give a monkey's. Gordon: Should I make it a non-smoker, just to spice things up? Len: You could make it a fucking crack addict for all I care! Only Temporary [1.7] Annie: Gimme an H! Everybody: H. Annie: Gimme an O! Everybody: O. Annie: Gimme an L! Everybody: L. Annie: Gimme another L! Heidi: L! Robin: No, Annie. There's only one L in it. Annie: What? Robin: Holiday. Annie: Oh! You might have let me finish spelling it. Robin: But you weren't spelling it, you were spelling some made up word with too many L's in. Sally: You haven't had her struggling to spell Faliraki all morning. Annie: Actually Sally, it was thought for a while I might be dyslexic. Sally: Who thought that? Annie: I did. Anyway, I know how to spell P.I.S.E.D, and that's what I'm gonna be! [spots box of cigarettes Lilian brought back from Greece] Ooh! Foreign ciggies? Robin: Yeah. Annie: Can I try one? [Robin passes her one] Heidi: [Looking through Lilian's holiday snaps] This looks quite the tacky affair. No wonder poor Tess had her jaw dislocated. That's why Keith insists we holiday in this country… don't get all the rowdiness. Annie: No, or any of the fun. Heidi: Keith always says—and I've come to agree with him—that anything you can find abroad is right here on our doorstep. Sally: Oh, yeah. Cause there's a pyramid out the end of my road, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa's by the roundabout. Heidi: Pyramids are nothing compared to Chatsworth House. Miranda: Is… this the smoking room? Sally: No, love. We're all just wild free-thinkers who won't respect authority. Heidi: I'm not. Miranda: So the smoking room is– Sally: Here. This is the smoking room. Miranda: Oh, gotcha. Barry: [Grinning lecherously] Take a pew. Come and join us. Miranda: Ta. Barry: Tell us all about yourself. Heidi: I better go and find Clint. [holds up pictorial evidence of Miranda photocopying her own head] Get him to fix the photocopier. Miranda: [childishly] Oops. [Barry chuckles awkwardly] Cor, it's a bit grim in here, isn't it? Barry: Yes– Sally: No! Annie: It used to be quite oppressive, but they painted it not so long back. Miranda: What an icky colour to chose, this murky yellow. Sally: It's beige! Annie: With a hint of a tint. They did tell us what shade it was. Oh, what was it, Barry? Barry: [Staring at Miranda's legs] Cream explosion. Robin: Oh, this frigging machine! Press for coffee and it's given me… mushroom soup… oh, but they got the sugar right! Miranda: Robin? Robin: Miranda? Miranda: Robin! Robin: Miranda! Miranda: Robs! Robin: Rands! [They kiss] Annie: Do you two know each other? Robin: Long time, no see. Miranda: Yeah! So, where you working these days? Robin: Well… here. Miranda: Oh… yeah… You look so different. Sally: [To Annie] Come on, missus. We don't need a trip down memory lane with these two. [They get up to leave] Barry: So, how do you two know each other? Miranda: We were at school together. Robin: She was my girlfriend. [Sally and Annie immediately turn around to sit back down again] Happy Birthday [1.8] Yvonne: Lets get all this lot onto smaller plates. Trick the eye into thinking there's more than there is. Lois: I've got a bra that does that! Sharon: Did you get any nice presents? Lilian: Oh… well… Lois: I got her some potpourri. Lilian: Mm. Sharon: Lovely! What scent? Lilian: Oh, it doesn't smell. Lois: [Shakes her head, smiling] Sharon: So… just some dead leaves in a bowl? Lilian: Yep. Lois: [Nods her head, still smiling enthusiastically] Annie: Do you know who's never really caught my eye before? Robin. And I don't know why really, I mean, he is… Sally: Male. Annie: Yeah… Clint: Aww, Lils, this party is… Lilian: Rubbish. I know. No music! Bloody Sharon sucking the life out of the place.. I've had more fun at a wake! Clint: Yeah, Tess Pownell's husband's was banging. Every track they played I was like, "tune!" Lilian: Mm. I think she regrets the disco now. She was in shock.. She freely admits the bouncy castle was misjudged. Clint: No way, best bit! Heidi: Honestly Lois, my little boy will be up to your waist! Lois: D'you wanna make something of it? Heidi: [Frightened] No. Lois: I can't help being small, like I don't suppose you can help being boring, but you don't have to insult me! [Lois continues ranting in the background as other conversations are shown] Lois: I've had this all my life: "Oi, diddy woman, why aren't you at the circus?" I'm a secretary, and what do they expect me to do, sit on a trapeze and TYPE!? Heidi: [Cowering up against the wall] Don't know. […] Yvonne: [Marching into the room clapping to get everyone's attention] Ok, so. Lois: [to Heidi] So if you ever mention my size again, I'll knock your TWO FRIGGING EYES INTO ONE! Yvonne: LOIS! Thank you. Season 2 Bzzz [2.1] Len: [high on glue] Aren't hands strange? They're like feet, only on your arms! Dominic: Um? Len: Best be getting back, I suppose. Clint: Sort Ranjit out? Len: Nah. I don't know what it is, but I don't seem to give a toss about that now. I might even ask if he fancies a pint tonight. Good old Ranjit! Mm… [walks to the wrong corner of the room] Oh shit, where's the fucking door? Clint: [whistles, pointing to the door] This way, Len. Len: Oh, right, yeah. [singing] Do you know the way to– [opens door, turns back to Clint] Where the fuck is it? Mm… [leaves] Dominic: Um… is that normal behaviour? Robin: Halfy-half. He doesn't normally sniff glue. Clint: There isn't normally glue here to sniff. [Janet enters the room, perks up when she sees Dominic] Janey: Minicky Monicky! Dominic: Auntie Jantie! Janet: [Waves bizarrely] Hello Pelopa! Dominic: [Waves back] Hello Peleepee! Robin: Are we suddenly in Hawaii? Annie' You two seem very friendly. Dominic: She's my auntie. Sally: Oh? Janet: I know I don't look old enough. Sally: D'you not think? Janet: No… there's quite a gap between Minicky's mum and me. I was a late baby. Annie: A mistake. Janet: No! Honestly, what a horrid thing to say! I mean, really, just vile! Annie: Yeah, don't go overboard, love. Janet: Well, it is. Really horrible. I won't take it from my mother, I certainly won't take it from you! Sally: They teach us in boxercise you can hurt your opponent much more mentally than with a well-aimed slap. Y'know, psyche 'em out and their confidence goes. Robin: How do you psyche out a bee? Sally: You just follow 'em around going, "your honey tastes like shit, mate", "you're crap buzzer", "black, yellow stripes? Don't go." Soon get depressed and fly off. Sally: [to Dominic] You better not be writing summink about me in there. Dominic: Sorry? Sally: I stand up, you start with your scribbling? [points at Robin] He might have agreed to be studied, but I'm not that desperate for attention– oi, look at me when I'm talking to you! Dominic: I wasn't writing anything. I– I was just… drawing some apples playing football. [shows her the drawing] Sally: Is that some sort of code? Dominic: Nope. Cabin fever's set in. Sally: Yeah, well, last bloke who slagged me off had his tyres slashed. [beat] Oh, I didn't do it! It was just a coincidence. [leaves] [Robin lights yet another cigarette] Dominic: You're not gonna have another one? Robin: No, fine! Let's go back to my office. You can watch me stare at the walls for a while, or maybe I'll pick up… the… uh… metal thing… the click-click… staples… Lilian: Stapler. Robin: Stapler, and put it next to the… uh… there's another metal thing on my desk, the… it's got a slightly curved, uh… I'll put the stapler next to that, shall I? What larks we'll have! Well, come on! Dominic: You know? I would say your relentless sarcasm is an obvious attempt to put people at a distance, due to an almost crippling sense of inadequacy. I would say that your barbed, defensive humour is prompted by a fear of intimacy because there's something you're trying to hide, an aspect of yourself you're desperate to supress because you hate it so. You hate yourself. [pause as everyone looks shocked] I would say all that, if I weren't simply a passive observer. Heidi: I had an imaginary friend. Lilian: Just the one? Heidi: Mm. I would have liked another one, but… I lacked the imagination… No Place Like Home [2.2] [Sharon has found Robin asleep in the smoking room] Sharon: What do I do about this? Janet: Hmm… maybe we should wake him up. [checks watch] He's probably due another cigarette by now. [gently] Robin? Robin. Sharon: Wake up you lazy bastard! Robin: [groggily] Oh, be fair, Ben, you're hogging all the duvet. [sees Janet] Oh, sorry. I must have been dream– having a nightmare. Janet: Yes. [steps aside, revealing Sharon] Robin: I'm still having a nightmare. That's it. Of course. I haven't woken up at all. [closes eyes] Sharon: Oh, yes, you have! Robin: Oh, God, Sharon! Umm… I know what it looks like, like I was having a kip, but I was actually– [notices clock on wall showing five past six] Oh! Yes, I was having a kip, now the working day is done. But now, I'll just hop on a bus and head home, to bed. Sharon: You've got no hope. Robin: Sorry? Janet: The roads are in chaos, all this snow. Robin: When did it start snowing? Sharon: About two o'clock. Robin: I… haven't had a moment to look out of the window. Work up to… here. Clint: Snowball fight, now! The victor gets free ciggies all day tomorrow, or just buy me some baccy. Sal? Sally: Save yourself the embarrassment, Clint, I'd murder you. Clint: Word. Rob? Robin: I've barely got the energy to lift my ciggie, never mind lob snowballs. Clint: [Turning to Sharon] I don't suppose… Sharon: Are you asking me to come out for a snowball fight? Clint: Yeah… yeah, I suppose I am. Sharon: Well, thank you. Thank you so much for seeing a person sitting here and not just some distant authority figure. Perhaps my message is finally getting through. I may be the boss, but– No. I am definitely the boss, but I am still a co-worker. Of course I don't actually want to throw snowballs, it's puerile behaviour. Barry: I'm essentially a pacifist. I only take up arms to defend a principle. Robin: Hmph. Don't we know it? Poor Ben's still rueing the day he slagged off Robot Wars! Barry: Yeah, I just saw red! Lilian: Oh, Barry, you're not planning to go cycling in these conditions? You'll go under a lorry! Sharon: So, what if he does? [everyone looks shocked] None of them are moving. Lilian: Oh, well, that's true enough. My ex spent his whole life under them. Clint: That's pissheads for you. Can't stay on the pavement. Lilian: He was a mechanic. Lilian: Oh I saw a film once where they were all snowed in: 'Snowed In', it was called, and eventually they all had to eat each other! Imagine that. Human flesh. Sharon: I wouldn't mind a wee taste. Lilian: Well, I suppose if your life depended on it… Sharon: Oh, if my life depended on it, I'd tuck in with no qualms! Heidi: Aww, I should be singing Dane his lullaby now. Sending him off.. [Sings] Sleepy, sleep deep. Make not a peep. If baby should cry, he'll probably die. So lie still in bed, all snuggled not dead. 1987 [2.3] Annie: There'll be Me's on other planets that have done less work on themselves, spiritually. Sally: You got her number? Annie: Who are needy, insecure, less giving of themselves… possibly with antennae. Sally: Well, since I've got the kind, loving, selfless you, you can come and help me search some job sites! Coz I've seen the future, missus, and it scares me. Annie: Well, I'm looking forward to it! As it said on that CD: with age comes wisdom, acceptance, and serenity. Len: [barges door open] Will you give it a fucking rest! Gordon: All I'm saying, L– [walks into Annie] Ah! Oh, sorry ladies. [shouting] Yeah. All I'm saying is clients don't need—or want—to be told about your fungal infection! Len: She asked me how I was, I told her. Gordon: Graphically! Len: So what should I have done? Flung the pass at her and said fuck all!? Gordon: Couldn't you have just told her you were "fine and dandy"? Len: But I'm not! Me toenails are practically hanging off! Gordon: If I lose that account– Len: You'll be well shot of the touchy bitch. Janet: So, you're in here, Len. What a surprise! Smoking away, not a care in the world, while I take a twenty-minute ear-bashing from a client you offended! Gordon: I said it would come to this, Len-ster! Len: I'm entitled to a break, Jan, and I need one after dealing with that stroppy cow! Janet: It's exactly that attitude that so upset her. She said you were… disrespectful, inappropriately familiar, and, I quote: "swore like a frigging navvy". Gordon: But she did say she'd still be doing business with us? Janet: Not until she receives a formal apology. Len: She'll have a fucking long wait. Lilian: Who was this? Janet: Heather Langley at Patrickson's. Lilian: Oh, I deal with her. I'm sure she's a drinker. If you ring her first thing, you can hear the alco-seltzer fizzing away on her desk. Len: She was probably shitfaced when she fell over the ladder. Gordon: Perhaps I should deal with this, Len-ster. Y'know, on your behalf. Janet: Might be for the best. Len: You better not say I'm sorry, coz I'm not! Sharon: Janet. Who is responsible for removing carcasses? Janet: Where from? Sharon: My balcony. Barry: Been seeing off the opposition again, eh, Sharon? Sharon: There's a dead pigeon on it. I am not smoking in a bird cemetery. Janet: I suppose it must be Clint's job. Do you want me to go and tell him? Sharon: Well, unless you've suddenly turned telepathic, it might be a good idea. [Janet stares at Sharon] Sharon: Is there a problem, Janet? Janet: No, no. I was just testing out your telepathy theory. You didn't get the message I was sending you? Sharon: No. Janet: [sotto] Probably just as well. Sharon: Was it… something about a meringue? Janet: No. Smashed [2.4] [Sally and Annie had taken advantage of the vandalism of the smoking room to make an excuse not to have done their work, and have learned the police have arrived.] Annie: We'll never get away with this, Sally. D'you think they'll be armed? They might strip-search us! Sally: Look, stay calm! Annie: Calm? Calm!? We'll have to get upstairs right now. Start work on those designs? Tell Janet we only mislaid them. Sally: And spend all weekend here, finishing them off? Annie: What's the alternative, Sally? Sally: Going to that party! Annie: No, letting the police take us in for questioning, bamboozle us with a "good cop, bad cop" routine. One them saying how nice our hair and our bras look, the other one shouting: "Fess up, bitches, we know you trashed the joint!" And we take the rap for a crime we didn't do! Go down for a five-stretch. Some burly lesbian in chokey takes a shine to us, sexually degrades us… with cutlery! Are you prepared for that, Sally? Are you? Because only some of that scenario appeals to me! Sally: It won't come to that. And if it does, we'll just… leg it! I am not missing that party! Annie: I'm gonna come clean! Find Janet. Sally: Annie! You might be scared of the Old Bill, but if you tell Janet, you'll have me to deal with! Annie: [quivering] I took this job on because I like designing posters, not to get dragged into your sordid world of crime! [leaves] Sally: I'll be committing another crime in a minute, missus. GBH! Annie! Get back here! Annie!? Heidi: You should put some steak on that eye, Robin. Take down the bruising. Or, any kind of meat, last time Keith had a black eye, I used a corned beef sandwich. I… took the bread off first. Robin: Does Keith often have a black eye? Heidi: Oh, yeah. My little baby Dane gives them to him. Lilian: Oh, my two were like that when they were little. [thrashes her arms about] Heidi: No, he does it on purpose, he gets jealous if he sees Keith kissing me. Lilian: You'll have to put a stop to that. Heidi: Why? It's nice to have two men fighting over me. Len? [leaves] Robin: Another little vandal in the making there, I feel. Lilian: I was thinking more… serial killer. Pity the Fool [2.5] Annie: I wish I'd known it was April Fools Day today. Sally: Thank God you didn't. What was last year's effort? An alien abduction? Annie: That was not an April Fool! Robin: Alien abductees… they're all just sad fantasists, desperate to believe they're special. Sally: Yep! Every one of them. Annie: Then how do you explain those weird marks I had around here? Sally: The drawstring on your combats was too tight. Annie: Always some mundane explanation? Sally: Yeah there is: you're a nutter! Annie: Have you ever thought that you might be the mad one? Sally: No? Annie: For arrogantly believing that in this infinite universe, we are the only advanced species. Robin: God, imagine if we were. This is it, as good as civilisation gets. And we set aside a day every year to put a fake shit in an ashtray. Annie: Anyway, it was the aliens who put us here on Earth in the first place. Janet: Oh, don't talk such rubbish. That was God. Annie: Ooh! I just remembered what last year's April Fool was. [to Sally] I told you I'd be staying late to catch up on work. [Annie, Sally and Robin burst out laughing] Janet: Oh, really. Sharon: Hairy face, Lilian? Very good. Lilian: Ta. Heidi: Lilian? I say this as one woman to another: there are some very good creams on the market. Lilian: It's an April Fool. Sharon: And a turd in the ashtray. Janet has been busy! Lilian: Yeah, and so's that! Sharon: Very amusing. I would imagine. [to Clint] Oh, and you've put your hair in a pig tail like a wee girl. Great! Clint: I always wear my hair like this! Sharon: Do you? Heidi: I'm like you, Sharon. Sharon: In what way? Heidi: I can't spot jokes. Keith maintains I don't have a sense of humour. Sharon: Well find one quick, we all have to laugh today. Head Office directive. Quitters [2.6] [The smokers are taking their seats for the stop smoking seminar. Lilian takes the seat Annie wanted.] Annie: Uh– I would quite like an end seat. I get… what is it when you hate being closed in? Sally: Attention-seeking? Lilian: I'm not getting up and trudging all the way over there. Sharon: Badges, Janet. Janet: Oh, yeah! [she hands them out. The name badges are all different shapes representing common objects] Sharon: If you could all fill a badge in, help him identify who you are Robin: How apt, I'm a ray of sunshine. Clint: Why am I a bell end? Robin: Yeah, I think that's a toadstool. Derek: Okay, well, money and health are two obvious concerns, but you may each have your own unique reasons for wanting to quit. So, I'd like you all now to troop past me, seeing me as cigarettes personified, and admit one thing that you hate about me, and don't you spare my blushes! [points to Robin] You, start the ball rolling, and the rest of you form an orderly queue. Robin: Um, your singing was quite flat. Derek: No, not me, the cigarettes. Robin: I know, I've got a facetious streak. [Derek looks bemused and shakes his head, and does so after almost every contribution] Clint: I roll me own, yeah? It's how I like to run tings. You're just for pussies who won't put the effort in! Sharon: Most brands are too short, gone in a few puffs, and, um… [laughing at her own previous joke] Oh, dear! Paying them too much! "You vill not smoke!" Oh, dear, dear, dear! [stops laughing] Yes, anyway, be longer, generally. Derek: Come on, Barry, I don't bite. Barry: Um, the smell, I suppose, although I have a plug-in thing at home that covers that, but that smells slightly of piss… [Gordon approaches, exhaling angrily] Derek: That's it, Gordon, don't hold back. Gordon: You keep me enslaved, keep me weak! Derek: Good, yes, let it out! Gordon: You just… oh God! [attacks Derek; Barry and Len break them up] Barry: [dragging Gordon back to his seat] Leave it, leave it! Derek: That's sort of the idea. Less violent, perhaps. Len: I don't have a problem with you, son, to be honest. You're alright by me. Good look to you. [they shake hands] Derek: Annie? Annie: I'm feeling a lot of anger, about Roy Castle, right now. You… bastard! Derek: Good. Good! Sally: When I do boxercise—coz I do boxercise– Derek: [intimidated] Do you? Sally: Yeah… and I got me gloves on, I can't keep a proper grip on you. And I've tried keep you in me mouth, but when I go "ooh!" [punches above Derek's head] You fall out, really pisses me off. You want to sort yourself out, mate. Derek: Yes. Lilian? Lilian: Well, uh… I'm not very good at this, but… It's not like I don't know your faults. God, course I do, I'm not stupid, but… well… we've been through it all together, you and me. First date, first kiss, first row, calming me down on me wedding day, pregnancy, and the dark times, when there's no-one you can talk to, because… there aren't words for it. You know… on the back step. All arguments and problems in the house behind you. Blowing puffs of smoke into the night sky, thinking: "Where do I go from here? Is there anywhere to go?" But feeling less alone with a ciggy on the go, somehow. Then turning a corner, back in the pub, having a life, a drink, a ciggy. I'm now saying it's a good thing, but… you've been a constant. Not much else has. [Derek hugs her] Last Night a Graphic Designer Saved My Life [2.07] Annie: [childish] Wobin? Could oo spare me a little cigawette? Robin: As long as you promise, never, to use that voice on me again. [hands her his box of cigarettes] Annie: Pwomise! [he snatches the box back] Promise. Annie: I don't know why everyone's making such a fuss. She's not the only one to have made the press. Sally: What were you in, Reader's Wives? Annie: Yes. [pause as everyone looks disgusted] I've got no qualms about it. So what if I wasn't actually his wife? Although I was ashamed to be seen on that rug. Fake bearskin, looked like someone has murdered Bungle. [teary] Bastard promised he'd never show anyone! Sally: [gently] Oh, Annie– Annie: Don't hit me! Sally: I'm not gonna hit you, you stupid cow. Barry: This magazine, was it Escort? Annie: Yes! [everyone turns to Barry with a horrified expression] Sally: I'm amazed you're so calm, Barry. Barry: What? Oh, I'm fine with real problems, It's just imaginary ones that bother me. I'm a bit concerned that a hijacked van might plough through that window, and explode. Significant Others [2.8] Robin: Ahh, you old softie, Sal. Do weddings make you weepy? Sally: What? No. Well, this one hasn't. Barry: I was inconsolable at mine. Sally: I think I've got a tomato pip in me eye. Robin: I bet there'll be a few tears a Janet's wedding. Sally: Oh, yeah, knowing Janet's dress sense. Robin: Not really thinking things through at the moment, are you, Jan? Lilian: Oh, lay off her! She's in love, it can make you seem demented. Robin: You need to ask yourself some serious questions, Jan. Is it real love? Is it real passion? Or, are you just terrified of ending up alone? Janet: I think so. Does it matter? And of course I am. Robin: Don't rush into things. Janet: I'm nearly 37. And perhaps Noel isn't the most dynamic man in the world. And perhaps he is quite inhibited, sexually. Robin: Oh, I don't know anything about that! Janet: And perhaps our married life won't be a thrilling, torrid sequence of "I love you", "I hate you", "I need you", "I can't bear you". And perhaps while I wanted a Heathcliff to my Cathy, I found a Ken Barlow to my Deirdre. Lilian: Oh, I see you more as an Emily Bishop. Janet: But at least it's a real, solid relationship. I am not—like certain people I could mention—dreaming my best years away—or… the tail end of them, at any rate—on some pointless, soul-sapping crush! Len: [sotto] Fucking hell. Specials Do They Know It's Christmas? (2004) Robin: We'll just bring up Ranjit and his balloon animals. Len: That won't buy you much time. He's had to cut his act down to a snake, a worm and an electric eel. He can't the fuckers to twist without bursting 'em. Robin: Well, you'd better fetch him onto the stage, anyway. Len: After me fag. Robin: No. Now. Len: Ooh, fuckin' hell! Who gave him a clipboard?! Sally: Just as well he's got no hope of promotion; he'd be a nightmare. Main characters Debbie Chazen - Annie Jeremy Swift - Barry Fraser Ayres - Clint Mike Walling - Gordon Emma Kennedy - Heidi Selina Griffiths - Janet Leslie Schofield - Len Paula Wilcox - Lilian Sunetra Sarker - Monique Coyne Robert Webb - Robin Nadine Marshall - Sally Siobhan Redmond - Sharon External links 0414773 The Smoking Room Official Website Category:BBC shows Category:UK sitcoms Category:Cancelled shows Category:Single-camera sitcoms