Two and a Half Men (season 9)

Season 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 | Main Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in. Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt [9.01] Alan: I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life. Lydia: He also loved being back for a week. Michelle: …while wearing my panties. Miss Pasternak: He used my panties to make tea. Alan: That's Okay brother. Walden: Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him. Alan: That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later. Walden: You know what, I'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone.(Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)Walden: Why did she (Judith) leave you? Alan: Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch. Alan: So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money? Walden: Well, it's pretty simple, really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com? Alan: No. Walden: You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune. Alan: Really? I don't think it came with my Zune. Walden: You bought a Zune? Alan: I had a coupon. People Who Love Peepholes [9.02] Walden: I love peepholes. Alan: You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world." Big Girls Don't Throw Food [9.03] Walden: Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room? Berta: Herpes (Alan) has a kid. Walden: Herpes Junior? Nine Magic Fingers [9.04] A Giant Cat Holding a Churro [9.05] The Squat and the Hover [9.06] Those Fancy Japanese Toilets [9.07] (Walden and Evelyn just had sex)Walden: Promise you won't tell Alan? Evelyn: I gonna tell everybody. Thank You For The Intercourse [9.08] Frodo's Headshots [9.09] Alan: Have you told your mother about this? Jake: No, I was hoping you'd tell her. Alan: Why would I tell her? Jake: Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me. Alan: How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!? Berta: I thought it was a stress clinic. Alan: EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So, I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!! A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes [9.10] What a Lovely Landing Strip [9.11] One False Move, Zimbabwe! [9.12] Slowly and in a Circular Fashion [9.13] A Possum on Chemo [9.14] [Jake and Eldridge are high]Eldridge: It seems overly complicated. Jake: What is? Eldridge: Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on them? Jake: Dude, that's a million dollar idea. Eldridge: What is? Jake: Pre-dipped chips. Eldridge: Hey, that's a million dollar idea. Jake: What's a million dollar idea? Eldridge: It's an idea worth a million dollars. Jake: Boy, I wish I had one of those. The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack [9.15] Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy [9.16] Not in My Mouth! [9.17] The War Against Gingivitis [9.18] Palmdale, Ech [9.19] Grandma's Pie [9.20] === Mr. Hose Says 'Yes [9.21] === Why We Gave Up Women [9.22] The Straw In My Donut Hole [9.23] Alan: …and what pray tell is that?Walden: That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.Alan: Nice! No movies?Walden: No, we could switch it to a movie package.Alan: Or you could add it.Walden: Oh, okay, we'll add it.Alan: And don't forget the adult channels.Walden: No problem.Alan: You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.Walden: Right. [...]Lyndsey: "You got any porn on this thing?"Alan: "Uh, gee, I, I don't know."Lyndsey: "Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."Alan: "Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous." Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! [9.24] Alan''': Come on, Judith. He's your son, too. I have videotape of him shooting out of your body. Category:Two and a Half Men seasons