Mind Your Language

Mind Your Language (1977-1986) is a British comedy television series set in a school for mature students and focuses on the English as a Second Language class. Series 1 The First Lesson [1.1] Mr Brown: There will be no throat-slicing in my class! If you want to do that sort of thing, you should have joined the Sports in Pastimes. Danielle: I come to learn English. Have I come to the right place? An Inspector Calls [1.2] Mr Brown: I was engaged once. Matter of fact, I proposed marriage, but it didn't really work out. There was quite a lot of opposition. Miss Courtney: Her father? Mr Brown: No, her husband. I didn't realise she was married at the time. A Fate Worse Than Death [1.3] Ranjeet: Excuse me, missy. This lady, is she resembling an elephant? Miss Courtney: I wouldn't exactly put it like that, but she is rather large. Ranjeet: Blimey, it is Surinder! Gladys: I thought you and Surinder made a lovely couple. Mr Brown: With all due respect, she was a couple on her own. All Through the Night [1.4] Mr Brown: (holds up lime juice) Giovanni? Giovanni: Lime juice. Mr Brown: (holds up milk) Juan? Juan: Cow juice. Mr Brown: Milk. Miss Courtney: Do you know where we get milk from, Juan? Juan: Si, señora... the milkman! Max: Danielle should wave from window all by herself. Mr Brown: She still may not be sufficient to attract enough attention. Max: It would if she took her clothes off! The Best Things in Life [1.5] Ali: You are changing your tune! When you are thinking that I am very wealthy, you are being my bloody brother. Ranjeet: That is before I'm finding out you are bloody stupid! Ali: Don't you call me bloody stupid, you bearded baboon! Mr Brown: Quiet the pair of you and sit down. (to Ali) I presume you're staying now, Ali. Ali: I'm staying now, yes. Come Back All is Forgiven [1.6] Mr Brown: Well, how would you pronounce "F-I-T"? Ranjeet: Fit! Juan: Si señor, one right fit, one left fit! Mr Brown: No, Juan! The Cheating Game [1.7] Ali: I want to hear you say: "All Muslims are nice, kind and most wonderful persons". Ranjeet: If I am saying that, you'll be lending me 10p? Ali: If you are saying that, I will be giving you 10p. Ranjeet: Very well. All Muslims are nice, kind and wonderful persons. Ali: Jolly good. (hands him the 10p) Ranjeet: There's only one thing: all Sikhs are very big liars! Mr Brown: Where are you going? Giovanni: We go to spend 2p. Mr Brown: The phrase is "spend a penny". Giovanni: Sure. I spend a penny, he spend a penny; we spend 2p. Better to Have Loved and Lost [1.8] Ranjeet: Please, I am having a very funny thought. He is Pakistani, she is Chinese. If they have a baby, it will be Pakinese! Ali: How dare you! I'm teaching you not to be insulting! You ignorant son of a bearded poof! Ranjeet: Come on! You brainless offspring of a camel! Kill or Cure [1.9] Hello, Sailor [1.10] Mr Brown: Ali, I? Ali: You are what? Mr Brown: A word beginning with the letter I Ali: Infidel Ranjeet: Are you meaning me? Ali: Yes, please Mr Brown (to Ranjeet): Sit down! Ranjeet, J Ranjeet: Jackass Ali: Are you meaning me? Ranjeet: Most definitely! Ali: I knock your damn turban off you monkey face! Giovanni: Max, what's the opposite to "bitter"? Max: Lotta Giovanni: That's not right Max: Sure it is! Opposite of bitter money is lotta money Mr Brown: Juan, does Boris speak any English? Juan: I teach him a little Mr Brown: Well, good. Why do you wish to leave Russia? Boris: Por favore? Mr Brown: I see you speak English as well as Juan does Mr Brown: Think of a word that describes you. Ali: Stupid Ranjeet: Don't you call me stupid, you half-witted Pakistani popadom! Ali: Don't you call me Pakistani popadom you brown chapati! A Point of Honour [1.11] How's Your Father? [1.12] Ranjeet: And then came the Muslims! Ali: Don't you call me ape you son of a cross-eyed goat! Mr Brown: Quiet the pair of you! If I have any more trouble, you both stay behind for extra study. The Examination [1.13] Ranjeet: I'm winning the jackpot! Ali: That is my winnings! Ranjeet: How can they be your winnings? I am putting the money, 10p in. Ali: There is your 10p. Ranjeet: Take your dirty hands off my money! Ali: That is my money, you bearded bandit! Series 2 All Present if not Correct [2.1] Jamila: I sit at backside with Tarō. Mr Brown: No, Jamila. You will sit at the back. Backside is what you sit on. Jamila: (chuckles) Oh, no, master-jī. What I sit on is chair! Ingrid: Swedish girl are the beautifullest. Danielle: (rolls eyes) Trouble with Swedish girl: they are too big in ze bosom. Ingrid: French woman too big in the mouth. Queen for a Day [2.2] Miss Courtney: Sidney, go and sweep the school yard! Sid: I swept it up once. Miss Courtney: Well, sweep it again! Sid: You wouldn't like me to go down on me 'ands and knees and scrub it, would ya? Miss Courtney: Don't be ridiculous! It wouldn't dry before they arrived! Mr Brown: Shall I ask Gladys to make up a couple of ham rolls, in case they feel a bit peckish? Miss Courtney: Ham rolls?! You can't give royalty ham rolls! This is a very special occasion! Tell her to open a tin of salmon. Don't Forget the Driver [2.5] Mr Brown: (points to the window) What is that? Zoltán: Door. Mr Brown: Window. (then points to the door) Zoltán: Ah, door! Mr Brown: Good. Enter Miss Courtney Zoltán: Crumpet! A Hard Day's Night [2.6] Miss Courtney: If someone were to stop you in the street and ask you the time, what would you say? Jamila looks at her watch and replies in Punjabi Miss Courtney: That wouldn't help them. Jamila: Oh, yes. In my street, it's all Indian peoples. Series 3 I Belong to Glasgow [3.1] Mr Brown: Mr MacGregor is from Scotland, which is part of Great Britain. Great Britain is comprised of England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Juan: No. Mr Brown: What do you mean, "no"? Juan: No whales in England. Whales in the sea! Who Loves Ya Baby? [3.2] Giovanni: (admiring Danielle) Holy ravioli! For what I'm thinking now, I could be excommunicated. Juan: I was excommunicated five minutes ago! No Flowers By Request [3.3] Mr Brown: Where does the term "Gladstone bag" come from? Max: Mrs Gladstone. Just the Job [3.4] Mr Wilkins: (to Danielle) Explain the meaning of the phrase "to bury the hatchet". Danielle: To chop someone's 'ead off. Mr Wilkins: You. (points to Giovanni) Complete the following proverb: "People who live in glass houses..." Giovanni: "...should get undressed in the dark." What a Tangled Web [3.8] Mr Brown: Giovanni, the correct word to describe a relative by marriage is "in-law", as in "brother-in-law", and not, as you put, "outlaw". Giovanni: It's the same thing. Mr Brown: It is not the same thing. An outlaw is a bandit. Giovanni: So's my brother-in-law! Miss Courtney: Oh, you're wearing a black tie, Sidney. Sid: Yeah, I'm in mourning. 28 years to the day it happened. Miss Courtney: Oh dear. The death of a loved one? Sid: Nah, I got married. Miss Courtney: You're a real male chauvinist pig. Sid: Pardon? Miss Courtney: Pig. Sid: Oh, you've met the wife, have you? Cast Barry Evans – Jeremy Brown (English teacher) Zara Nutley – Dolores Courtney (principal) Dino Shafeek – Ali Nadim (Pakistani pupil) George Camiller – Giovanni Capello (Italian pupil) Kevork Malikyan – Maximillian Papandrious (Greek pupil) Jamila Massey – Jamila Ranjha (Indian pupil) Françoise Pascal – Danielle Favre (French pupil) Albert Moses – Ranjeet Singh (Punjabi pupil) Pik-Sen Lim – Chung Su-Lee (Chinese pupil) Robert Lee – Tarō Nagazumi (Japanese pupil) Ricardo Montez – Juan Cervantes (Spanish pupil) Jacki Harding – Anna Schmidt (German pupil) Gabor Vernon – Zoltan Szabo (Hungarian pupil) Anna Bergman – Ingrid Svenson (Swedish pupil) Iris Sadler – Gladys the tea lady Tommy Godfrey – Sid the caretaker External links 0075537 Category:ITV shows Category:Cancelled shows Category:UK TV shows