The Master of Disguise

The Master of Disguise is a 2002 adventure comedy film starring Dana Carvey, James Brolin, Brent Spiner, Jennifer Esposito, and Harold Gould. Pistachio [chanting] I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! [to Jennifer during an interview] Can you resist me? Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? [repeated line] That's crazy. So crazy it just might work. [repeated line] This is what you're doing, this is what I want you to do. Any questions? I do for you now a scene from the hit motion picture Shrek. You ready? Okay. "Why don't you get away from me, Donkey?" "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, get away from you? I'm makin' waffles!" Grandpa [offscreen] Fabbrizio, it is time your son is told of his destiny. Now I can teach you to become a Master of Disguise. [during an interview] Assistants commonly fall in love with their Disguisey Masters. Can you resist Pistachio? Pistachio, it is demoralizing to your opponent to repeat the phrase: "Who's your daddy?". Jennifer All I'm saying is I dated a guy who used to smoke these. This is a handmade cigar from the Turtle Club. [referring to Pistachio] Leave him alone, you bully! Fabbrizio This is no life for my son. I will never tell him of his true destiny. [echoes] Listen, you! You have a problem with my son, you have a problem with me! You and you, GET OUT! Devlin Bowman Did you just tell me to shut up? Oh, by the way, Steve, your wife called. [Steve: Oh, that's great. Thank you, sir.] Sure. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED! [rips off mask] Others Mama: No more caramel corn for me. Sophia: Thank you for saving me from that horrible person. Rex: Hey moron, use a tray next time. That's too many plates. Barney: [to the Cuteness] How come I can't do it and you can? Trent: Lay off my lady, you freak! Slapping Dummy Man: [repeated line] I'll get you, Pistachio! The Cuteness: No more dog food. Dialogue Trent: What kind of crap are you putting into his head? Pistachio Disguisey: Uh, the niceness? Trent: "Niceness?" What are you, his dad? You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha? Pistachio: [imitates Trent] You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha? Trent: [looks away and back] What? Pistachio: [imitates Trent] What? Trent: Are you mocking me? Pistachio: [imitates Trent] Are you mocking me? Grandfather Disguisey: Who are you now? Pistachio: The question is not who I am, the question is who are you? I know who I am. I'm Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights, near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India. Grandfather: [claps] It is time to test that. [opens basket] Pistachio: What is it? [a snake emerges from basket] That is a big reptile. Not a problem. [plays smooth jazz music] Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody now. I'm going to call him Buttercup! So cute, eh? Grandpa: [laughs while Pistachio tickles the snake] Energico! God help me, I love it! A complete transformation! Pistachio: [dangling cheese above the snake] You like the cheese. Go get the cheese, Buttercup. You know you love it. Grandpa: Did you ask Jeeves? Pistachio: Yes, but no such luck. Grandpa: When you were on the roof, did you hear something that sounded like this? [slaps Pistachio] Pistachio: Yes exactly that! But without the pain on my face. We have a clue! Pistachio: Can I help you? Grandpa: I have come to help you, Pistachio. Pistachio: Help me what? Grandpa: Find your mother and your father, my son. Pistachio: My father, your son. Holy cannoli! You are my sister! Sophia: Look, Pistachios, the silly voices, the making faces, it was fun for like one second, okay? Pistachio: Only one second? Sophia: I never wanted to go out with you! I'm in love with Rex, okay? Grandpa: [walks outside after hearing crash] Hey, you're too young for this job. Do yourself a favor. Go home and tell your mommy to change your diaper. Get out! Barney Baker: I don't wear a diaper. Grandpa: [laughs] Hey Pistachio! You gotta see this! There's a talking baby out here! Pistachio: I want to see the talking baby. Coochy-coochy-coo! [pause] Brave Barney Baker, nice to see you again! Grandpa: You know this baby? Pistachio: Yes, of course! Barney: I was potty-trained when I was 2. Pistachio: Of course, you are the conductor of the potty train! Texas Man: Am I going too fast for you? Pistachio: [mocking Texas man] Am I going too fast for you? Texas Wife: Are you mocking my husband? Pistachio: [mocking Texas wife] Are you mocking my husband? Texas Wife: 'Cause you better not be! Pistachio: [mocking Texas wife] 'Cause you better not be! Jennifer: I wanna get something off my chest. Today, when-when I saw you dressed up like the crazy hairy guy, at that moment, I really thought you were this-this-this pathetic, insane, absurd, spastic little man. And now I believe that you can do anything. Pistachio: Ah! That's very nice but not exactly true, I... I can't turn mud into oatmeal, for example. I can't build a spaceship that will travel to Pluto... Jennifer: No, but...you can find a way to rescue your mama and your papa. Pistachio: Yes. Yes, I believe now too. Pistachio: [as "Gammy Num-Num"] Appraise this! [slams "Nest in a Box on counter] Jennifer: [whispering] What are you doing? That's the Nest in a Box. Art Dealer: It appears to be of Tuscan design. I would say early 12th Century. Pistachio: I knew it was old, you fool! Let me appraise you; you're an idiot. A complete and total idiot! How does it feel? Devlin Bowman: Did it ever occur to you that this cherry pie thing was Fabbrizio's son?! [no response, he takes a deep breath] No matter. Oh, by the way, Steve, your wife called. Pistachio: [as "Steve"] Oh, that's great. Thank you. sir. Devlin: Sure. [turns around and back furiously] YOU'RE NOT MARRIED! [rips off mask to reveal Pistachio] Grandpa: Behold, your father's nest. Pistachio: Heavens to Betsy. Grandpa: Yes. I knew he would keep one just in case. Pistachio: Yes, just in case. Grandpa: Now I can teach you to become a Mater of Disguise. Pistachio: Really? I-I'm going to be a Master of Disguise? [starts chanting] I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise... Grandpa: ENOUGH! [slaps him] Your mother and father are in grave danger. Your training begins...now! Pistachio: Goodnight, my love cake. Jennifer: "Love cake"? Pistachio: What? Jennifer: You said "love cake". Pistachio: But why would I call you that? Your hindquarters are hideously scrawny. Jennifer: What? Pistachio: What I was trying to say is that, uh, I have a present for Barney. [hands her knee pads] Will you give these to him from his dad... da da da dat Italian guy... Me. Devlin: I still have the greatest anti-Disguisey weapon of all. [snaps his fingers, the Big Bottom Girls appear] Pistachio: There's a dark side, exactly like Star Wars? [the Big Bottom Girls blast dark Energico at Pistachio] Jennifer: What's going on? Grandpa: Pistachio's in grave danger. Jennifer: Pistachio, come back! [echoes] Pistachio: Eh, but... [tries to muster enough Energico to overcome the dark Energico] NOOOOOOO!!! [pants] Yes, I see now. Love is thicker than your behinds. [the bald henchman rings the gong] Cast Dana Carvey as Pistachio Disguisey, a man who follows in the footsteps of his family's legacy by becoming a Master of Disguise. Dylan and Cole Sprouse as young Pistachio Disguisey Dane Morris as teenage Pistachio Disguisey Brent Spiner as Devlin Bowman, a master criminal and enemy of the Disguisey family. Jennifer Esposito as Jennifer Baker, a woman who aids Pistachio in fighting Devlin. Harold Gould as Grandpa Disguisey, the grandfather of Pistachio who trains him in becoming a Master of Disguise. James Brolin as Fabbrizio Disguisey, the father of Pistachio and expert Master of Disguise. Maria Canals as Sophia Mark Devine as Trent Edie McClurg as "Mama" Disguisey, the mother of Pistachio. Austin Wolff as Barney Baker, a young neighbor of the Disguisey family and Jennifer’s son. Michael Bailey Smith as Bald Henchman, the unnamed bald-headed henchman of Devlin. Vincent Riverside as Henchman, an unnamed henchman of Devlin. Jay Johnston as Rex Mark Ginther, Carrick O'Quinn, Mitch Silpa, and John Tenn as the rest of Devlin's henchmen. Jonathan Loughran and Ted Rooney as Security Guards Virginia Hawkins as Interview Woman Erick Avari as Cigar Maker Larry Cedar as Businessman Vincent Castellanos as Art Dealer Gabriel Pimentel as Boxing Dummy Kevin Nealon as White Collar Executive Gabriel Pimental as the unnamed man with dwarfism who operates the Boxing Dummy. Andy Morrow, Naya Rivera, and Julius Ritter as Captain America Kids Leland Crooke as Appraiser External links Quotes on IMDb Category:2002 American films Category:2002 English-language films Category:Films directed by Perry Andelin Blake