Achewood

Achewood is a comic written and illustrated by Chris Onstad. It debuted on October 1, 2001 Comics 2001 Teodor: Philippe is standing on it. Philippe is standing on it Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing? Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing Bloopers and outtakes Lie Bot: Saddest Thing: redux Saddest Thing Tri-reduxtastic Saddest Thing IV 2002 Ray: But Pat, The Cure is silly! It is silly to like The Cure! Pat: Oh there you go, joinin' in, just like always! I guess friends DON'T change! Ray: No, really! They are really silly people! Stop listening to them! Pat: What the... why the hell you care so much? Beef: They suck pretty bad huh Ray Ray: That's Right, Roast Beef! Say, how you doin'? Beef: Pretty good now that I am 239,000 miles from The Cure Roast Beef Sometimes Ray: EVERYBODY DANCE LIKE THERE'S ASS IN YOUR PANTS! ASS IN YOUR PANTS, ASS IN YOUR PANTS! ASS IN YOUR PANTS 2003 Ray: Dang, Beef! This ain't no regular hangover! This is the big one! I...I'm talkin' physical therapy! Wheelchairs and stuff! Speakin' at high schools! (Alt-text): i...am...here...to tell you not to get a hangover Hangover Therapy Pat: What's it like to...what's it like to kill someone, Pete? Nice Pete: It's kind of like Nice Pete: It's kind of like playin' a basketball game Nice Pete: I am there Nice Pete: and the other player is there Nice Pete: and it's just the two of us Nice Pete: and I put the other player's body in my van Nice Pete: and I am the winner Killing is Like Basketball Nightlife: Whoah, don't get any ideas, muchacho amigo. My foie gras looks like a damn Brillo pad. Artificial Japanese Liver Note to consumers: 68% of "McAfrica" pita sandwiches test positive for HIV. Philippe at Berlin McDonald's Robert Johnson: You are a hoot and a holler Ray Smuckles Robert Johnson Ocular Shenanigans Beef: We cracked into a case of Blue Nun Widemouths at like 3 AM last night Beef: What was that Beef: Heh heh that's right Beef: "The wine so bad it made the news" Blue Nun Widemouths 2004 Beef: Hey there Jackie D Beef: Tuck me in and be my breakfast Tuck Me In Jack Daniels Pat: Mexican people take too long gettin' in and out of cars! Host: Really? I don't think I've ever-- Pat: Don't you lie to me! How many times have you sat and waited while some Mexican was gettin' into a car, actin' like the world was his oyster?! Pat is quick to generalize Beef: I wonder if there's a college study that shows how exposing my generation to Three's Company set gender relations back approximately 715 years Beef is not Lenny Kravitz Beef: OH I AM YOUR MOM AND I JUST TOOK YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE CAR OF PAIN Beef: SAY IT Judi Dench's Three Pound Underwear 2005 Teodor: He'd murder dead things if science would let him. The Great Wayans Brother Cookbook Issue Ray: Teodor, man! We need a logo for our new joint company! Come help us out, doggie! Teodor (phone): They any sluts up ins? Ray: What? Are there any sluts at my house? Teodor (phone): 'Cause you know I ain't never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place! Ray: Hey, you can make fun of me all in your corny deep voice, or you can get in on the ground floor of this thing. Teodor (phone): Hode on, I got to tip the little Panama boy what vacuums my dropped gerunds out the bottom of the Escalade. Chocolate love, all. (Alt-text): Never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place. Lyle and Ray's Perfect Jays Ray: Oh god oh shit oh no! Fuck man, why they got to do a thing? Dinner with Cartilage Head 2006 Ray: I have Airwolf. I'm just seein' if there's anything I can do to help my guys. Teodor: I'm not sure what you mean. I don't know if what you're saying means anything. Ray: I have Airwolf. This is not code language. I am flying Airwolf because I own Airwolf. Nothing else I could say would make more sense given what I own and what I am doing at this moment. Ray has Airwolf Little Nephew: You're going to send me to get my ass kicked by a guy who trained himself to be a Marine by jumping off his roof onto a trampoline, aren't you? The Mike Stonetower School Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys! Please Fuck Ray Friday Ray: Emeril food! Now! Why come ain't nobody stuffing a lasagna inside a turkey? Where's the butter? Put butter on what I said! Ray Walks Home From Mexico 2007 Ray: You know me, dude. I'm straighter than John Wayne voting for Reagan on a horse. Somebody says I'm gay, I'll just sit here bein' straight, and they'll be wrong. The Gay Porn/Moonwalk Analogy Pat: Teodor! Did you know it takes three acres of grain to produce one pound of beef? Teodor: Fuck you, Pat. Three acres of grain tastes terrible with a baked potato. Fuck You Friday - Pat Edition Cornelius: I have a sneaking suspicion you take your alarmist medical parameters from the same commercial insurance literature that classifies Elijah Wood as morbidly obese. Cornelius: Fuck along, now. Fuck You Friday - Pat Edition Ray: HEY! Don't you do cocaine at ME, you son of a bitch! Philippe's 5th Birthday Party Ray: YOU WANT TO BE NINETEEN?! GO AHEAD! Ray: YOU JUST STAY THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYBODY'S FACE UNTIL YOU GOT THE FUCKIN' JUICE TO GET A JOB WHERE THEY GIVE YOU A CHAIR! Fuck You Friday September Twenty-First Ray: Because I pay attention. I PAY ATTENTION. You didn't know I was paying attention because you weren't PAYING ATTENTION. Ray: When I was a kid, a teacher told me to pay attention. I guess I took it to heart. Ray: Beats me, man. Beats me why most dudes suck. Sure as hell ain't my scene. Pay Attention 2008 Beef: Disneyland was wall to wall five-hundred-pound mongoloids with leg tattoos and kids named Desteny Knuckleheads Magic Adventure Beef: Hm maybe get some medical insurance Beef: I mean I don't want to seem all cocky and falutin' so maybe just a real basic plan where like if I die they put me in a coffin Wealth Intervention Cornelius: When we do make the beast with two backaches, our onomatopoeia is less "ooh" and "aah" than "crack" and "help." The Last Time You Make Love 2009 Ramses: Now, I don't ever want to see you again unless it's in a coffin Ramses: You see that Falcon, you best jump right in the nearest coffin you hear me Ramses: I ain't care if it's your birthday and yo' mama needs the coffin 'cause she's dead The Pocket Dial. Welshman: IF I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, THEN I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, BUT JUDGE ME NOT 'TIL YE ALSO HAVE SURRENDERED TO THE BLADE OF ECSTASY THAT IS THE NACHO CHIP! Romanticized Sketch of the Birth of the Nacho. Alternate Text Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets of Zyrelax. Piss Shiver Llewellyn Ash knows that You are capable of Wonderful Things. Llewellyn Ash, baby Roast Beef's hang-up is actually a fantasy for many men Burritos/Oral Sex Patronize your local fast food cart Pat is quick to generalize Smoking Mr. Gary's pole is so beautiful. Pat is on the radio again! 750 dudes with Tron pillows go Oh, No Wonder. Beef is not Lenny Kravitz It is pretty hard to tell a nine-year old child that they are dead. It is pretty sad. Charlie Brown, you died External links Achewood Category:Webcomics