Mystery Science Theater 3000/KTMA

00 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 The Green Slime Joel: Hey, Crow. Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson? Joel: I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out. Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out? Joel: It was on 8-track. [Gypsy and Crow laugh.] The Green Slime (movie) Man: That's an asteroid! Joel: That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!The promotional riff of the series. Pilot: Take us into the number two position, will you? Joel: [getting up to leave] Speaking of the number two position... Invaders from the Deep Invaders from the Deep (movie) Captain Troy Tempest: No visible sign of trouble. Joel: Not yet. Tempest: Down SVC. Standby to surface. Lt. George "Phones" Sheridan: Standing by. Tempest: Right. Blow 1. Phones: Blow 1. Joel [as Tempest]: Pull my finger. [as Marina, Tempest, and Phones dive through an underwater cave] Joel: They stay down pretty good for being made out of wood. [as Tempest and Phones are immobilized by a pink ray] Joel: Are they sweating or is that sap? ... Crow: Forced to watch their own movie. How horrible. [as Commander Sam Shore paces in a hover-chair] Joel: Oh he's pacing, right? Crow: His boots weren't made for walking. [as Stingray comes upon a deep extinct volcano] Crow: They're lucky to find an extinct volcano. I didn't even know they were endangered. [as Stingray settles on the fairly well lit seabed of the underwater volcano] Crow: That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea. Joel: I was just gonna say that. Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars (movie) [after Breck is shot and falls from his position] Joel: You know that puppet does his own stunts. Crow: Does he really? Servo: I personally don't believe that puppets should be on TV. [SID announces the return of Captain Scarlet to Lunarville 7] Lunar Controller: They've come back. Orson, bring them here at once. Orson: Yes, sir. Lunar Controller: What they have seen must never get back to Earth. Bring them here. Captain Scarlet: [entering the room] There's no need, Lunar Controller. On the assumption that his first note would be rejected and subject to our investigation, the World President authorized me to place you under close arrest, and escort you back to Earth. Lunar Controller: Arrest me? You are fools, Earth men. Already a complex is being built. Soon, the Mysterons will come to take over the moon, and then the Earth. Captain Scarlet: We have seen the complex, and it will be destroyed. Lunar Controller: No. You will never leave the moon alive. Any of you. Captain Scarlet: SID, prepare a Lunar rocket for immediate launch. We are leaving at once for the Earth. Lunar Controller: Don't waste your breath. SID: A Lunar rocket is ready at bay three. Lunar Controller: No! SID, this is the Lunar Controller. Seal all exits! Captain Scarlet: Come on. Servo: [imitating a seal] Get it? Seal? ... never mind. Lunar Controller: SID. I am giving you an order! Orson, seize them! [Captain Blue knocks out Orson] Captain Blue: Let's go! Lunar Controller: [standing in front of SID] I command you! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! Servo: [imitating a seal again] Joel: Okay, I get it... Captain Scarlet: It's no good, Lunar Controller, SID cannot identify you. Servo: I figured you would. Captain Scarlet: I changed recognition disks with you last night. Lunar Controller: [getting desperate] SID! This is the Lunar Controller! Stop them!!! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! SID: I'm sorry. Your recognition disk cannot authorize that. Lunar Controller: Obey! OBEY! SEAL ALL EXITS! SID: I am sorry. Your recognition disk does not authorize that. ... Lunar Controller: [pointing a gun at SID] This is your last chance, SID! Seal all exits! SID: I am sorry. Your recognition disk- [Lunar Controller begins to shoot SID repeatedly, causing SID to malfunction catastrophically] I... AM... SORRY... ... Lunar Controller: [continuing to shoot SID repeatedly as an alarm sounds throughout the base] Obey! OBEY!!! Joel: Alright already! Crow: You know, there was an off switch, dumb-o. [SID begins exploding, and destroying Lunarville 7] SID: I... AM... SORRY... I... AM... SOOOOORRRRRYYYYY... Joel: I'm sorry you two had to see that. Crow: It wasn't pretty. Servo: I'm all choked up. Star Force: Fugitive Alien II Star Force: Fugitive Alien II (movie) Ken: Captain Joe, you don't necessarily have to get swallowed up in a black hole. If you chart your course carefully, you can go through a tunnel out to a white hole in safety. It's a tricky maneuver. Dan: Where did you hear that? Ken: Where did I hear it? I'm afraid I don't remember. I guess it was at one of those scientific briefings I attended. Servo: I don't think they should try it, they can't even get their lips to move with the words. [During an effects sequence.] Servo: They must've spent tens of dollars on this. Colonel Yurulin: [attempting a takeover of Bacchus III] Black hole ahead! If we get any closer, it'll swallow us! I ordered you to change course to starboard! Ken! Starboard course! Servo: I would do my black hole jokes, but they all suck. [Crow and Joel groan] [as a desert tornado begins to blow the sand off of Bacchus III, freeing the ship] Joel: It's a twister! Crow: Dorothy! Dorothy! Auntie Em! Toto! Servo: Toto too? ... [music plays as the sand is blown away] Crow: It's not the wind, it's a men's choir. [after the crew of Bacchus III has successfully destroyed the Saysar weapon] Captain Joe: I came up to tell you how proud I am of you guys. You're the greatest crew a captain ever had. Servo [as Joe]: Thank you for shooting me with a dart. Ken: [seeing his "mother" running away] There she is again! Mother! Why does she always run away? Crow: Could be your breath. Joel: Maybe you're mistaken? Servo: Maybe it's a trap. [as Ken prepares to leave Bacchus III, and is bidding the crew farewell] Ken: Dan... Dan: We've been through a lot together. Ken: Yeah. Servo: Except for a good movie. Gamera vs. Barugon Joel: Hey, thanks a lot for calling in last week, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages. Servo: Hey Joel, let's listen to one of the messages! Joel: Alright, that's a good idea. Hey Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen and give it to me one time, CG bold helvetica straight up on two? Caller 1: I enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway. Servo: What a complete wing-nut! Joel: Well listen, Servo, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great. Crow: Is that so, Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an antispasmodic. Servo: Could I say something to our friendly caller, Joel? Joel: Of course, Servo. Servo: Hey buddy, is that your head, or did your neck grow a bubble? Joel: Hey you should talk, listen I think we should listen to another one. Caller 2: [excitedly] Great stuff! More more more MORE MORE!!! GIMME MORE!!! I WANT MOOOOOOOORE!!!! Crow: Oh, he must mean Dave Moore. Servo: No, he's on TV 4. Crow: No, that's Moore On 4. Servo: No, that's a black gospel singing group. Crow: No, that's Moore By Four. Servo: Isn't that an off road truck? Crow: No, that's a 4x4. Servo: No you're thinking of a 2x4. Crow: No, that's a CB term, you know uh, "2-4, good buddy." Servo: No, that's 10-4- no, that's a tax form you fill out. Crow: No, that's 1040- my favorite lubricant! Gamera vs. Barugon (movie) Japanese General: Operation Rear View Mirror has failed. Servo: Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice. Gamera Crow: Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at— [a spray of liquid nitrogen turns Crow frozen mid-sentence] —AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Joel: See, I told you guys it would work. Gamera (movie) [Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.] Dr. Hidaka: The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere. [Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.] Joel: There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village. [Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.] Kenny: Tibby? Tibby? Tibby? Joel: Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him. [At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".] Joel [as Catherine]: When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole box of gravel. Gamera vs. Gaos [While playing back phone messages left by viewers.] Joel: All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy. Gypsy: Yeah, grow a brain already! Gamera vs. Gaos (movie) [While opening credits roll with a background showing the ocean.] Joel: The Ocean; the beginning of all life... and all Sandy Frank films. Gamera vs. Zigra Gamera vs. Zigra (movie) [A supertanker has just exploded in flames.] Servo: Oh my God, it's Gordon Lightfoot! Helen: I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera! Joel: Keep your shirt on, honey. Gamera vs. Guiron Gamera vs. Guiron (movie) [after Gaos' leg is cut off by his own beam attack] Servo: He doesn't have a leg to stand on. Crow: That's a lame joke. Servo: They can call him Ilene now. Joel: He's hopping mad. Crow: Went out on a limb for that one. Tom: Looks like it's trying to run away. Akio: I don't think so. It's trying to attack from behind. Servo: Maybe the kids should help him. Give him a leg up. Servo: Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat. Phase IV Servo: So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth? Crow: Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill Sandy Frank! Servo: Oh, that's just a given! Phase IV (movie) Crow: Looks kinda skinny. Must be a Carpenter ant. [chuckling] Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause— Joel: [horrified] Oh no... Crow: Never mind. Joel: You don't mean that... Servo: Ant-orexic. Crow: [laughs] See? Servo got it. Servo: You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in The Flintstones. Crow: I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes. [During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.] Crow: Hope no one's eating rice at this point. [While the end credits roll.] Crow: I thought it was deep... Joel: What did you think, Servo? Servo: I thought it was pathetic. Crow: So deep, we should've been wearing boots. Servo: This made flying turtles look good. Cosmic Princess Cosmic Princess (movie) [Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.] Joel: Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster. Servo: [deadpan] Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling. Crow: I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money. [Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.] Tony: 1... 2... Servo [as Tony]: 3... Tony: 5... Joel, Crow, Servo: What?! Tony: 6... Joel: That's why they're in such trouble. Tony: 7... 4. Crow: Well, they are British. [During the credits.] Crow: Nick Brimble! I had a knick on my Brimble once. Humanoid Woman Humanoid Woman (movie) Joel: The plot thickens. Servo: Like rancid pea soup. Fugitive Alien Fugitive Alien (movie) Joel: Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet. SST: Death Flight SST: Death Flight (movie) [Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.] Angela: [vapidly] Hello! [The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.] Crow [as Attendant]: Please put your brain under the seat in front of you. [Passengers are boarding.] Crow [as Attendant]: Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off. [Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.] Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen. Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane. Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black… Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry. [As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.] Carla Stanley: Please, do something! We'll all be killed! Crow: I guess she's in charge of panicking. Servo [as Kingman]: Okay, all the actors form a line! "Love Boat" on the left, "Fantasy Island" on the right! Mighty Jack Mighty Jack (movie) [The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.] Joel: So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing? Superdome Superdome (movie) [Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.] Crow: Magnum, deep fried. [The film ends just before the kickoff.] Announcer: There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same. Servo: [annoyed] Who won? Crow: I know I'll never be quite the same. Joel: This movie's history. Crow: We're history. Joel: Let's go. [Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.] Servo: Who won? ... Who won? ... Who won the game?! City on Fire Dr. Erhardt: We got a letter from the Mad Scientist League. They say they're gonna revoke our licenses--that we're not really mad enough! Dr. Forrester: I know, look, it says here, at best we're Mildly Peeved Researchers. City on Fire (movie) [After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."] Servo: Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha– [Barry Newman's credit appears.] Crow: Like Barry Newman. Servo: So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night. Crow: I bet this was made in Canada. Servo: Oui. [Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.] Dr. Whitman: You all know "Follow the Leader"? Crow: This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor". [A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.] Servo [as Diana]: Doctor, I think we got our blood donor! [A woman is going into labor.] Crow: Get a catcher's mitt! Joel: Boil some water. Crow: Boil some newspapers! Crow: Kinda sorry Shelley bought it. Joel: Yeah... kinda of a shame. Servo: She bought it, but we paid for it. Time of the Apes Time of the Apes (movie) [In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.] Crow: Someone wants to admit that they wrote this? [Still shot of two gorillas] Crow: Oh look, it's Shelley Winters and Ernest Borgnine. The Million Eyes of Sumuru The Million Eyes of Sumuru (movie) [CIA agent Tommy (pop idol Frankie Avalon) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.] Joel: Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain. Crow: Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern. . . . Tommy: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah! Joel: Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind! Hangar 18 Hangar 18 (movie) The Last Chase The Last Chase (movie) [a credit for the Canadian Film Development Corporation appears] Crow: Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it SUCKED!! The "Legend of Dinosaurs" The "Legend of "Dinosaurs" (movie) Servo: It's Brooke Shields, the Creature from the Blue Lagoon! Reporter: Everyone is asking the same question... Servo: Why am I watching this? [Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.] Joel: It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie.