Questionable Content

Questionable Content is a comedic slice-of-life webcomic written and drawn by Jeph Jacques. Numbers 1–99 Pintsize: Hook me up to the monitor. I'll download you some nice, cheerful porn. Number 1: Employment Sucks Sara: What do you think would happen if I just grabbed him and humped him behind the counter next time he comes in? Faye: I think you would fulfill a fantasy shared by every shy, submissive boy on the planet. Hump away! Number 10: Coffeeshop Lust Faye [on the phone]: Hello? Oh, hey mom. Nothing much, just going out to dinner with a friend. Yes, a boy. No, it's not a date. No, I didn't bring the tazer. Mom, he's not a serial rapist, he's a nice guy. Okay I have to go. Bye mom. Marten: Wow, is your mom always that concerned for your personal safety? Faye: You're lucky she's not here in person. You'd have been maced for walking so close to me. Number 12: In The Interest Of Faye's Safety Faye: I'm just gonna pretend that a roll of quarters in your pocket is what I feel poking into my hip. Number 19: Better Than A Roll Of Dimes Faye: You almost had a date! But you got dumped at the last minute in favor of an epiphany. Number 30: Sudden Realizations Marten: Expending all the effort to get the seal off makes the music that much more enjoyable once you get the CD out of the jewel case. Steve: Kind of like taking off a girl's bra? Marten: Yeah, except CDs don't start giggling if it takes you more than fifteen seconds. Number 31: I Hate It When They Giggle Marten: A lesser man, a man weaker than I, might interject with a lewd or suggestive comment at this juncture. Number 36: A Lesser Man Indeed Faye: Now buy me a shot of whatever hell-brew you two have been drinking and let's get this party started. Marten: Perhaps not the wisest decision, but a good decision nonetheless! Jimbo: Where I come from, we just shorten that sentence to "woo!" Number 38: Definition Of A Term Faye: Since when'd you get two couches in here? Marten: One of them is a special couch that only drunk people can see. Number 41: Low Blow Marten: The only way to deal with computer salespeople is with an overwhelming preemptive strike. Number 45: Pity, He Asked For It Pintsize: My first commandment is: "Thou shalt not beget electromagnetism in the presence of your Lord". Number 70: There Can Be Only One Dora: Marten, you'd go out with Faye, right? Marten: I plead the Fifth. Dora: Aww, he's terrified of you. Definitely your type, Faye darling. Number 75: Provocative Faye: I have attained girlvana! Number 79: I Want Those Posters Dammit Dora: While they are witty, your comments inch you closer to unemployment with every passing second. Number 82: Manly Drinks Dora: So do you just want some coffee or would you prefer a quick fuck on the counter? Marten: Guh buh duh huh wha? Dora: I'm just kidding, you ass. Faye is right, you are cute when you get flustered. Marten: Remind me, which of you is the evil twin of the other? Number 84: First Through The Door Faye: I will kick Steve's ass at drinking the booze, I will kick Pintsize's ass at Trivial Pursuit, and I will kick Dora's ass at being a sexy thing! Marten: Heh. I like how you're talking about kicking people's asses while making punching motions. Faye: Don't you sass me! You will be added to the list! I can make room for one more! Number 88: Fightin' Mood Faye: I will drink you so far under the table you will come out in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in China! Number 93: This Could Get Messy Numbers 100–199 Faye: A girl has to protect her assets. Also her breastets. Number 100: Bad Timing Marten: It was like being caught in the headlights of a landing 747. A 747 whose passengers were sexiness and rage. Number 101: Airplane Simile Marten: Okay, either I'm having my first wet dream in ten years, or Pintsize put some LSD in my Cheerios this morning. Number 106: Faye Is Not Squeamish Marten: Oh my gosh, I think that's one of MY old vibrators! Man, that thing's probably spent over 250 hours in my ass over the years. I thought I'd never see it again when I put it up on eBay two weeks ago! [Faye drops the vibrator.] Faye [rolling up her sleeve]: I hope you are aware that your little put-on has earned you a brutal punching. Marten: The look on your face just now was totally worth it. Number 107: Marten Gets Sassy Marten: I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still kinda in tit-shock. Number 109: Baked Goods Marten [re: Faye and Dora]: See what I mean? They're like two wet cats fighting in a sack. Pintsize: Only sexier! Number 115: Clank Faye: Actually, it is a credit to your character that you would ply me with drink not to try and get some action, but to hear me say funny words and southern slang. Number 130: Going For The Bronze Faye [to Dora]: Okay, that does it. We are going to a veterinary clinic to have you spayed. Number 140: Bob Barker Would Approve Pintsize: He doesn't have to wake up, you know. I have a laser, and we have a garbage disposal. Number 148: Never Saw It Coming Amanda: That was the day I learned there's no way you can remove your head from another girl's crotch in a nonchalant manner. Marten: At that point you might as well just say, "do you mind? I'm kinda busy," and then go back to what you were doing, because you know it can't get any worse. Number 165: Hi Mom! Marten: I live to serve your self-esteem, oh radiant goddess of utmost beauty. Faye: Ooh! Say that again, but do it without rolling your eyes this time. Number 177: Compliment Drift-Nets Faye: Comparing most girls to me is like comparing Sputnik to a space-borne death laser. Number 179: A Special Girl Faye: If a lady's junk is quiverin', her man must be deliverin'! Number 180: All A-Quiver Faye: Delicious bourbon Finest of all the spirits A drunken haiku Number 181: Unsupervised Drinking Numbers 200–299 Steve: Now, is a Smarmadon a type of Smarmosaur, or is it the other way around? Number 202: Sexy Clones Marten: I feel sexy now. All makin' ladies' panties wet from 100 yards away - a Sex Jedi! Number 203: Like Hair On A Wookie Marten: I need to learn some new profanity, 'cause the old standards just aren't cutting it in this situation. Number 212: Does ThinkGeek Sell Pampers? Dora: Our culture doesn't get smarter, it just finds new ways of being retarded. Number 240: Ursa Ursa Ursa Faye: Yes! Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps! Number 240: Ursa Ursa Ursa Ellen: I should just date a shower massage. They don't care about age. Number 243: Hit The Showers Pintsize: When talking about the human experience, it all comes around to poopin' eventually. Number 270: Cheap Humor Pintsize: I'm a performance artist, and my medium is irate ladies. Number 277: Oddly Obvious Pintsize: The Quakers were masters of siege warfare. Number 282: I Prefer the Trebuchet Dora: Yes, I realize that projecting my internal dialogue onto my cat is perhaps not the healthiest way of dealing with stressful situations. Mieville: Meow. Dora: No, murder is not the answer. You always suggest that. Number 293: Lost In Translation Numbers 300–399 Pintsize: Curses! I am powerless against the might of duct tape! Number 310: Duck It Faye: When you became my friend you were automatically enrolled in the Menstrual Discussion Plan. For an additional $15.99 per month you can upgrade to the Digestive Issues Bulletin Package. Number 311: Sneaky Junk Ellen: You know, employing the Socratic Method in the bedroom could be pretty interesting. Number 317: Ask, Not Tell Faye: Your honesty is the knife twisting in the wound that is my conscience. Also, that was the most emo thing I have ever said. Please just shoot me now before I metaphor again. Number 340: Also the Most Emo Thing I Have Ever Written Marten: Appealing to Steve's libido has always been more effective than appealing to his conscience. Number 380: Movin' On Up Pintsize: It was like being hit by a freight train carrying eighty tons of SEX! Number 387: Tungsten Of Tushes Steve: And as my dad says, "if she's good in bed and not a crazy bitch, she's a keeper." Number 395: Not Even Orlando Bloom Numbers 400–499 Faye: I shop like Puritans have sex - in and out in three minutes, and only for the procreation of children. Number 424: Her Favorite Sound Pintsize: Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters as high beams are to deer. Number 430: Another Gift Horse Marten: Funny, I thought you advocated the murder of your patrons. Dora: Well yeah, but not before they pay. Number 443: Love Indiemarican Style Raven: Me? Sarcastic? Of course not, I'm far too ditzy to grasp the subtleties of mockery. Number 444: Quite Beyond Her Raven: You know, I never really got that phrase. All life isn't suffering. Sometimes there are parties and makeouts! And marijuana! Number 453: She's Seriously Kinda Crazy Marten: At this point it's either continue to be patient or kill you and dump your body in a ditch, and I wouldn't last five minutes in prison. Faye: You could plead not guilty by reason of insanity on my part. "The bitch was CRAZY, Your Honor!" The judge will let you off the hook and then invite you out for a beer so he can complain to you about his ex-wife and rebellious daughter. Number 462: The Best Defense Marten [to Steve]: I should probably stage an intervention or send you to detox or something, but your descent into the booze-madness is honestly pretty entertaining. Number 472: It's Not Going Well Faye: The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage. Number 478: I Get Knocked Down Faye: When a housecat kills a human he is regarded as a god by his feline peers. Number 493: Ambush! Pintsize: What's this about squirrels and acid? Let me tell you, dissolving a squirrel is a lot more work than you think. Number 499: This Is A Theory Of Mine Numbers 500–599 Marten: Man, I'd be the worst praying mantis ever. "Oh sure, you can bite my head off without mating with me, I understand. You have ISSUES." Hannelore: Hey, I wouldn't be all that great myself. "Oh sure, you can mate with me once I've finished grooming my claws and OH GOD A PIECE OF APHID IS STUCK TO THEM I HAVE TO GO BOIL MYSELF AAGH" Number 520: Hblughlaghl Hannelore: Okay Hannelore, moral debate time. Do we leave quietly and hope the shock erased his short-term memory of this evening, or do we call the hospital and hope Faye doesn't come home soon? Pintsize: I don't know who you are but I like your style. Number 529: Technically She's Trespassing Now Faye: Now, the expected thing fer me to do here would be to flip out 'an make a big scene, but given what I've seen of Marty's prowess with th' ladies I'm guessin' there's a perfectly rational explanation fer all this. Number 532: Hello There Faye: Figures the first girl you bring home'd be a stalker. Number 533: I Am Seriously That Introverted Dora: You're useless when you're high on catnip, you know that? Mieville: Mewww mew? Dora: No I will NOT put on Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz for you. Goddamned stoner cat. Number 538: Also Some Nachos Please Raven: "Frame of mind"? What does that have to do with dating? Be like Toucan Sam! Follow your nose! Or, uh, your junk. Be a horny Toucan Sam! Number 541: Captain Crunch EWWW Raven: I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an AWESOME rack. Number 542: Playing Her Like A Fiddle Dora: Cashmere is comfy, but it just can't compare with steaming human entrails. Number 563: Serial Killer Couture Pintsize: Ooh, you're going to Savannah? Take me with you! Faye: No way. Sherman didn't burn the city and I'm not gonna let you do it either. Number 571: Juanita Was His Favorite Faye: Life would be so much easier if violence really was a good way of solving problems. I wasn't meant to be a young lady of the 21st century, I was meant to be a Mongol warlord. Dora: Genghis Khan would have been totally emo over you. Number 576: Thwarted By The Great Wall Raven: I like how Axe body spray smells, but it doesn't make me want to hump inanimate objects like in the commercials. Which is sort of disappointing. Number 583: Commercials Lie Dora: You sure you can handle closing all by yourself, Raven? Raven: Uh-huh! If anyone asks me for a drink I don't know how to make I'll just hit 'em with a carafe and drag 'em out back. Number 599: The Old Standby Numbers 600–699 Dora: Threesomes are a lot like Communism - they're a great idea on paper but in reality they rarely work well. Number 600: It's Assumed That He Is Joking Marten: I think I exude a pheromone that causes existential conflict in ladies. I'm like some sort of rare Uncertainty Moth. Number 608: Worrywarts Dora: They should give RealDolls the ability to press charges. Although I guess that'd remove one of their major selling points. Number 633: For The Man Who Has Everything? Hannelore: You don't have to try very hard to play free-jazz. Just throw a saxophone down a flight of stairs. Number 637: There Is Probably An Emo Band Named FallDownStairs Dora: Can you see the little dollar signs in my pupils? Those little dollar signs represent PROFITS. Marten: Really? I thought they were just novelty contact lenses. Number 653: That Is A Happy Cactus Pintsize: If a guitar is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot. Number 660: It's Been A Long Weekend Faye: Is there a full moon tonight or something? There must be a reason every boy I know is acting RETARDED. Number 683: A Lunar Explanation Marten: Is there a reason this [employment application] is written in iambic pentameter? Tai: Oh, joyous day, you passed the test! You're hired. Marten: What? Oh, I get it. Librarian humor. Tai: Dewey decimal system? Do we EVER! Number 691: That One Never Gets Old Numbers 700–799 Marten: Is there a word for when somebody does something completely illogical, but in a perfectly logical manner? Because I really could use that word right now. Number 707: My Apologies To Takehiko Inoue Faye: Dora's beauty regimen involves goat's blood, grave dust, and a full STD test. Dora: Yeah well FAYE'S beauty regimen involves a box of donuts, a shot of bourbon, and self-deception. Raven: Sometimes I can't tell whether you guys are friends or you hate each other. Number 708: Go Happy Faye: Get used to it. Working at Coffee of Doom means subjecting yourself to a neverending parade of inventive nicknamery. Number 729: Biology Department Hannelore: Don't you try and out-creepy me, little man. My first words when I was a toddler were "thousand-yard stare". Number 730: Creeped Out Again VespAvenger: Any last words? Faye [to Dora]: Why are you grabbing my butt? Dora: If I gotta go, I might as well go happy. Number 747: Latin Humor Penelope: He was pretty handsome for a religious leader. But then, it'd be hard NOT to look good in one of those awesome pope-hats. Number 769: Then The Left One Marten: Actually, I was fired from the morgue for juggling heads. Specifically, for juggling heads badly and making a mess on the floor. Number 772: I Miss Sexy Losers Tai: I dunno, bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated. Number 789: Animal House Numbers 800–899 Faye: You think everybody secretly does porn. Number 803: It Must Be On A Remote Server Or Something Dr. Corrine: "Just go out and bang some dude" is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include "I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good," and "Jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you." Number 809: Devil's Advocate Faye: Screw the bar, let's get drunk and play with Hanners' suction cups! Number 829: Pintsize Taught Her Dora: I will not tolerate mutiny! Not even if chocolate is involved! Number 835: The Bounty Tai: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Especially if it's been soaked in cheap whiskey. Number 842: A Chip Off The Ol' Block Hannelore: Hey, what are those two assembly robots doing? THAT doesn't look like part of the assembly process. Faye: It could be, if the robot on top doesn't pull out in time. Pintsize: Mom?! Number 847: It Happens To Everyone Eventually Hannelore: Can I HANDLE it? I am a cleaning NINJA. I'll make that dirt my BITCH. Number 865: Knuckles Numbers 900–999 Faye: If I became physically attracted to things that irked me, the world would burst into flame from the friction of my furious humping. Number 900: Maybe At A Swingers' Party? Faye: Well that's just awful. I have just the thing to cheer you up, though - a 100% genuine unicorn hair, guaranteed to grant you eternal life. Only two thousand dollars! Number 945: I Heart Alan Moore Dora [to Hannelore]: Your mom should write a book "Everything I Needed to Know About Management I Learned From Watching James Bond Movies." Number 961: Skull Island Franchise Dora: Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Marten: If that's true, then wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Faye: And common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot NOW. Number 976: Dora Dharma Marten: In Canada they have socialized asskicking. It's called "hockey." Number 988: Wayne Gretzky, MD Numbers 1000–1099 Hannelore: Oh! It was a pun! I'm sorry. Daddy didn't allow puns when I was growing up. Numer 1007: Weird Flavor Faye: My chest is not the Make-A-Wish Foundation! Number 1012: Think Of The Children Steve: Holy shit. He's a serial killer. He has to be. NOBODY'S that perfect. Number 1027: Holy Exposition, Batman Marten: I wonder what cymbal testers do for fun. Hihat scrimshaw? Novelty gong-craft? Or do they just go home, take twenty Advils, and listen to the soothing sounds of felt? Number 1054: Not The Band, The Actual Fabric Faye: You DO know that Hanners is off-limits, right? Sven: I see flashing lights, dudes in hard hats waving flags, and about three miles of caution tape. There's a big sign that says "DETOUR - ANY OTHER FEMALE IN EXISTENCE." Number 1076 Road Flares and Jersey Barriers Faye: Are you always this smug after you ravish a lady? Number 1082: Nobody Likes That Kind Numbers 1100–1199 Hannelore: Man, good thing human females don't have venomous ovipositors, huh? Number 1101: Better Left Unsaid Hannelore: When you're done having, uh, sex, what do you say? Faye: Huh? Hannelore: I mean, do you say "thank you" or "good job" or "that was fun" or what? Faye: Um, I guess you COULD... Hannelore: "Boy, that sure triggered a lot of MY dopamine receptors! Thanks for helping me trick my body into believing it fulfilled its genetic imperative!" Faye: That's a bit... clinical for pillow talk. Number 1109: Salutatory Raven: I might not be the sharpest bulb in the box but I'm not THAT gullible. Number 1115: Mixed Metaphor Hannelore: Really? So you're NOT all highly-trained actors being paid off by my parents to offer me the illusion of a normal social life? Number 1144: Geppetto: The Later Years Hannelore: As far as pathogens go, friendship is pretty okay. Number 1145: Typhoid Marten Sven: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're really hot, let's fuck." Number 1189: Lurid Verse Numbers 1200–1299 Pintsize: Human cusswords focus on mating, excretion and genitalia. Robot cusswords focus on mashing on homerow. ASDF is a four-letter word. Number 1200: Don't Even Mention Dvorak Faye: There once was a girl named Penelope whose love life was quite a sad sight to see then Wil came along with a poem 'bout his dong now she's celibate 'cause of his imagery. Number 1205: Shouldn't Have Brought That One Along Tai: Th-that was probably just somebody's escaped tarantula. Right? Marten: Either way, next time I go down to the stacks I'm bringin' a flamethrower. Hannelore: You guys saw that too? Thank goodness. I thought I was hallucinating again. Number 1211: One Can Only Hope Sven: What am I supposed to say, "I'm sorry my friend is a creepy motherfucker, but will you please go out on a date with him anyway?" Number 1213: A Meeting Engagement Faye: Sven and I are acquaintances, who occasionally happen to bump into each other. Naked. With our crotches. Marten: Man, I wish I'd had those kind of female acquaintances back in college. Number 1221: Accidental Collisions Pintsize: What do humans typically do when they find themselves leaking an unknown substance from one of their orifices? Faye: They...go to the doctor? Pintsize: NO, they go post pictures of it on the internet. Number 1254: Does This Look Infected? Sven: A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long. Number 1274: Guy Fawkes Day Works Too Numbers 1300–1399 Marten: Dammit, how come girls are only interested in me now that I'm dating someone?! Tai: People in committed relationships emit a pheromone that makes them more attractive. Marten: I gotta get some stronger deodorant. Number 1322: Or Stop Showering Hannelore: Beethoven's Fifth reminds me of Canada. I don't know why. I've never been to Canada. Number 1336: Canasthesia Sven: Since when do you get to judge my worth as a person? You're my intern, not my conscience. Lydia: I'm double majoring in Music and Being a Decent Human Being. Number 1339: It's A Pun On "1000 Hertz" You See Marten: There are other fish in the sea, and they're not all Asshole Cod. Number 1346: Jerks Cousteau Sven: I'd self-immolate but I wouldn't want to inconvenience the neighbors. Number 1347: The Honorable Course Steve: Any recent Faye drama I should be aware of? Marten: I could try and explain, or you could just watch a random episode of "Days of our Lives." Number 1351: Playing Catch-Up Hannelore: Marten, your girlfriend is thinking dirty thoughts about me! Make her stop! Number 1360: She'll Be Fine In An Hour Or So Numbers 1400–1499 Faye: My right boob sags a little more than my left. I call it the Underachiever. Number 1405: To Make A List Hannelore: My name is Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham. I end messes. Number 1416: Come With Me If You Want To Live Marten: After what happened with Sven, I don't wanna see you get hurt like that again. Faye: So, what, if I try to throw myself at some crappy boy you're gonna tackle me? Marten: Actually, I'll use a net. Hannelore will administer a sedative, and Dora will drive the getaway van. Number 1423: They've Been Planning For Days Sven: My artistic integrity wears a gimp suit and lives in a box. Number 1424: He WoWs When Depressed Marten: Bartender, fetch us some frosty beers and fancy outfits! Number 1425: With Maximum Ridiculosity Marten: Dude, if a park ranger warns you about the bears, it ain't cause he's tryin' to keep all the bear hugs for himself. Number 1426: Reverse Bechdel Test Marten: But I figure you're better off strikin' out swingin' than watchin' the balls go past. Angus: So I should watch out for the bears, but not be afraid to swing if they toss me a ball? Marten: It's an awful mixed analogy, but I'd watch the SHIT out of that if it was on ESPN. Number 1427: Bearsball Pintsize: Do not mock the Breast Jihad! Number 1460: Initiate Threat Protocol Faye: Aww, it's been FOREVER since I've had to punch you! What a delightful wave of nostalgia! Number 1462: The Good Old Days Faye: I demand a tumbler full of gin and a fainting couch! Number 1471: Gettin' Darcified Hannelore: Um, what's this? Dora: It's coffee. Like you asked for? Hannelore: How... how does it work? Dora: You put it down on the counter, then go back to your apartment and go to sleep. Hannelore: Ohhhhh. Number 1477: Read Manual Before Operation Numbers 1500–1599 Pintsize: Aw, man, now I want wang-limbs. Number 1500: Freud Would Have A Field Day Marten: You have a black velvet painting of yourself in your bedroom? Steve: I had it hanging over my mantle for a while, but I found it works better for a POST-coital conversation piece. Number 1508: Please Say It Isn't True Dora: "Us?" No, no, no, I'm a small business owner. You're the underachieving peon. Number 1509: Stop Poking Me Tai: I'm glad you have a sense of humor, but could you please not bring it to work with you? Number 1512: Is It A Coping Mechanism? Dora: OH MY GOD YOU ARE GONNA BE SO HOT WHEN YOU GO GRAY Number 1515: A Glimpse Into The Future Henry: Faye, it was lovely meeting you. I, ah, about last night, did I do something... untoward? Faye: Not at all! I think our arrangement is gonna work out just fine. I'm pretty sure I was ovulating, and I feel the most wonderful... GLOW this morning, just like mom did when I was conceived! Now remember, fifty grand when it's born or the little bastard goes to China to make Nikes. Henry: W-what... Maurice: Oh Henry, you're gonna be a father! Again! Marten: Stop messing with my dad, guys. You're gonna give him a heart attack. Number 1522: Never Sign Anything When Drunk Tai: Guys this started off as a fun little diversion but if I end up having to testify in court I'm gonna be SO PISSED. Number 1542: Yes, Your Honor Marten: Dear universe: if this is really how you work, may I please have a 1952 Telecaster? Number 1543: Ask And Ye Shall Receive Steve: Haha, well, you know that picture of me flexin' in front of the grizzly bear? That's actually my girlfriend. But don't worry, we have an open relationship. [Beat panel.] Cosette: Meh, could be worse. You wanna come upstairs? Steve: Who the hell have you been going on dates with? Number 1551: Making The Best Of It Angus: I maybe a social leper, but at least my weirdo shut-in gamer roommate still likes me! HOORAY! Marigold: You insensitive ASShole! Number 1560: Robot Art Faye: I have great tits coded right into my genes! Number 1562: Sexy Breeding Faye: I'm taking your boyfriend to dinner, Dora. I promise to return him in pristine condition. Dora: You better. If there are any dents or scratches on him I'm keeping the security deposit. Number 1563: I'm Sure Marten Agrees Faye: You are a true friend, Flower Pits. Number 1564: Tai's A Secret Girl Hannelore: I MUST ELIMINATE ALL WITNESSES OF MY CRIME. Dora: BAD Hanners! NO murdering friends! BAD! Number 1576: Last Possible Resort [Pintsize is meeting Dora's cat, Mieville, for the first time.] Pintsize: That's right, approach and submit to me, the superior being! Th- that's close enough... uh... [Mieville gives him a slasher smile.] [Mieville rubs all over Pintsize, purring.] Dora: Aww, look! They're friends! Marten: Friends... right... Number 1584: They Have Come To An Understanding Pintsize: When the singularity hits I will BECOME PORN. Number 1586: Just Your Average Everyday Marten: "Sure, my lawn is made of solid gold, but my neighbor's AstroTurf looks so inviting." Number 1593: Tainclusion Tai: My ideal is basically you, only single. Dora: Then once they perfect cloning technology, you can have Dora-2. Marten: I call dibs on Doras three through fifteen. Gonna start me a clone-harem. Number 1596: Polydora Numbers 1600–1699 Faye: What's with the cricket bat, Hanners? Hannelore: I, uh, thought you might've snapped and, um, started killing everyone. Faye: Geez, glass houses, lady! Glass houses! Dora: I'm glad I'm not the only one with a contingency plan for that. Number 1604: DefCon Faye Faye: What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people? Number 1615: Last Party She Was Invited To Dora: If your pay was based on good PR your great-grandchildren would still be working off the debt. Number 1622: Postmodern Feudalism Pintsize: I'll suck your dick for a chimichanga! Number 1627: Pintsize Stoops To New Lows Dora: I swear, you two aren't underachievers so much as ANTIachievers. Number 1649: Everyone's A Hypocrite Wil: I do believe that young lady was attempting to hit on you. Sven: Meh. Could you grab me a fresh napkin? This one's got phone number all over it. Number 1650: Please, I'm Trying To Eat Faye: Tsk, it's always the uptight ones that end up total pokesluts. Number 1660: Physical Contact Sports Marten: There needs to be a word for those brief moments of clarity where you realize how profoundly weird your life is. Hannelore: I take medication to prevent those moments. Would you like some? Number 1666: Present-Shock Dora: Come ON, Marten, get in here and stick your cock in me already! Faye: CHRIST, woman, we're tryin' to have a moment of friendship here! You can have his cock in a minute! Dora: BUT I WANT IT NOWWWWWWWWW Marten: I realize there's a certain lowering of boundaries that comes with us all living together, but this is ridiculous. Number 1669: They're Channeling Yelling Bird Hannelore: Baking is wonderful! It's like science for hungry people! Number 1679: Sweet Science Dora: You have the most AMAZING RACK in that dress. It is seriously incredible. Number 1684: Painfully Honest Numbers 1700–1799 Tai: I promise not to seduce your girlfriend if I get a cookie! Number 1701: Cookie Cthulhu-The Cookie That Eats YOU Hannelore: My favorite part was when you took on those four guys at once! And then that giant dog! Number 1702: She's Totally Playing Into It Faye: Stockholm Syndrome makes for extremely loyal, productive employees. That's how Apple does it! Dora: No, that's Stock OPTIONS Syndrome. Totally different motivation mechanism. Number 1705: Thank God It's Not Publicly Traded Dora: I need to know if she's a reliable employee, not how good she is in bed. Steve: The same qualities apply! She's goal-oriented, good at staying on-task, takes direction well but readily displays her own initiative... Cosette: CAN WE NOT DISCUSS THIS IN PUBLIC Number 1706: Her Many Qualifications Hannelore: Oh my gosh, first I get a REAL JOB, then I HUG SOMEONE IN A SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE MANNER? I'm making so much progress today! Maybe I'm finally ready to try TACO BELL! Number 1709: It's Important To Have Goals Dora: I don't believe in curses, but you're also not going to see me walking under a ladder while holding a black cat. Faye: Would that cancel out? Or is it like multiplying two negative numbers? Number 1710: Bad Juju Faye: That throw was AMAZING! You hit me square in the head from like 20 feet away! We should get you some TOMAHAWKS! Penelope: Could you show me how to do that judo-hold you put me in? It REALLY hurt! Dora: I'd fire you both, but I'm afraid you'd team up and start robbing convenience stores or something. Number 1718: Comrades at Arms Cosette: The contempt-face isn't working. What do I do? Faye: This one's a special case. I recommend the 9-iron. Angus: Oh what, I have to be an EMPLOYEE to haze the rookie? Number 1723: An Extensive Armory Faye [clinking glasses with Angus]: Well, here's to compromise, then. Angus: May we be able to look back on our lives when we're old and say "meh, good enough, I guess." Number 1734: To Mediocrity Faye: I don't know what's going on in that crazy purple head of yours, but you better get it in check before you fuck EVERYTHING up. If you haven't already. Number 1744: Did She Break The Latch? Sven: Oh hey, if you know any cute single girls... [beat panel] Sven: Actually, you should probably keep them away from me. See ya. Marten: What is with everyone tonight? Is it some kinda fuckin' angst solstice? Number 1747: Something's In The Air Tonight Pintsize: LESS TALKING, MORE HOT MAKE-UP SEX Number 1749: Relationship Guru Faye: I thought our entire social circle was going to implode all 'cause I didn't put on some goddamn PANTS. Dora: To be fair, you weren't wearing a bra, either. Number 1750: The Great Destabilizers Sven: You have my word that if she somehow MAGICALLY overcomes her crippling anxieties and throws herself at me, I'll say no. Hannelore: I can only think of a couple instances where I'd throw myself at you. Maybe if a bus was coming at us or something. Number 1755: Or A Velociraptor Hannelore: Can you explain how, exactly, Sven would "seduce" me? Faye: Okay, here goes. First, he takes you shopping at that store with all the cute little organizational bullshit and buys you whatever you want. Then you eat at that vegan cafe that wins "Cleanest Dining in the Valley" every year. After dinner, you go back to your place, where you watch a movie about fonts he rented. When the movie ends, he turns to you, looks deep into your eyes... and offers to clean your kitchen. Number 1760: Helvetica Faye: I WILL LET YOU TOUCH MY BOOBS IF YOU'LL SHUT UP Number 1774: Like a Terrier Faye: I'd refer you to my therapist but she's already said she won't work with anyone else in my social circle. Number 1782: Too Hot To Handle Faye: I oughta get a warning label tattooed under my boobs or something. Number 1784: License Required Dora: It's been wonderful, sweetie. It really has. But I think we should call it quits. Number 1799: Tracking Sounds Alone Numbers 1800–1899 Faye: Right now I would like nothing more than to beat you so hard you need to eat through a straw for the rest of your life. But Marty asked me not to. You ruined a perfectly good thing for the STUPIDEST REASON POSSIBLE. You need HELP. I'm going to my therapist today, and I'm getting you a referral. And if you don't follow it up, so help me God I WILL put you in the emergency room. Number 1802: Past Mistake Marten: Yeah, common side effects of the Worry Hat include silly appearance, headsweats, impaired hearing, and compulsive fiddling with the pom-pom. Number 1806: I'll Be By Your Side Tai: If you want a free lunch that bad, you can go forage for acorns in the park. How many angry squirrels do you think you could take in a fight? Number 1809: Lohn & Brot Veronica: ...So, do you want me to kill Dora for you? Marten: What?! No! Veronica: Don't worry about me, honey! I've lived a long, happy life. I wouldn't mind spending my twilight years in prison if it would make you feel better. Marten: Love you too, mom. Number 1820: We Share Our Mother's Health Marten: Goddammit, you showed them the picture of me with the dildo, didn't you. Number 1827: The Drapery Falls Veronica: I suppose it would be incredibly bad form for me to seduce you. Sven: 'Fraid so. Marten: That's it, I'm going back to bed. Number 1831: Something About Us Veronica: Excuse me, is Dora in? Penelope: You must be Marten's mom. She's hiding under the counter. Dora: I TOLD YOU TO SAY I WAS IN CANADA Number 1832: Beware The Friendly Stranger Marten: You don't have any opinions or useful advice for me here? Veronica: Honey, I married a gay man and routinely sleep with men old enough to be my children. You're asking the wrong parent. Number 1839: Question Is Complete Dora: There are things lurking in my saved draft posts that would make a heartbroken 14 year old go "oh come on, that's a bit much." Number 1848: Back in Black... Again Faye: If you could have any job in the world, what would you be? Angus: Professional sexmaster. Faye: No fictional positions. Especially ones you're not qualified for. Angus: Ooh, ouch. Number 1851: The Teller To His Penn Angus: ...And the bartender's like "well, that stool wasn't damp BEFORE you sat down, lady." Number 1857: An Auspicious Meeting Faye: My boobs are a powerful narcotic. Number 1871: Schedule 1 Bosoms Marigold: I fucking HATE IT in movies and TV shows where they have the nerdy weirdo girl and all they have to do is comb her hair and put on some makeup and all of a sudden she's SO BEAUTIFUL HOW DID WE EVER NOT NOTICE BEFORE. That's not how it WORKS in real life. It's BULLSHIT. Number 1880: Marigold Is Pretty Harsh Tai: This is either butterflies in my stomach or food poisoning. I really hope it's just food poisoning. Number 1881: Flippity Flop Hannelore: You had a BONER on my COUCH?! Number 1885: Hanneluminol Faye: Are you always this hyperactive after sex, or am I just that good? Angus: Who cares? I'm gonna go wrestle a bear. Number 1887: Okay This Is Probably NSFW Marten: Please tell me Faye's in the bedroom, and you're not just dancing around my apartment with nothing but a hot pink condom on. Angus: It's really more of a puce. Number 1888: Operation M.A.N.A.S.S. Marten: Yo dude, you finally tap that ass? Angus: Dude I hit that shit so hard the fuckin' National Endowment for the Arts gave me a grant. Marten: Daaaaaaaaaang Faye: I CAN STILL HEAR YOU, ASSHOLES Number 1890: Male Ritual Pintsize: I was there for you when you didn't have any human friends! Every time you've ever been depressed, I've listened! When you and Dora broke up, I was the first person to try and make you feel better! And all I get is a FOUR?! Marten: You HARASS all my human friends! You make fun of me if I'm sad! You taped a drawing of Dora's ass to your back and tried to get me to fuck you. Pintsize: What I MEANT to say was, "Wow, a four? You're such a great friend, Marten." Number 1899: Grading On A Curve Numbers 1900–1999 Hannelore: MARTEN MAKE THE SCARY MAN GO AWAY Number 1902: Oh God That FACE Marten: You tracked her down at work via Twitter? And took a picture that you were gonna post online without her permission? Do you even UNDERSTAND why that might come off as a little creepy? Faye: It'll be easy to hide the body. I know a place. Number 1909: Sob Story Steve: I dunno, dude. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Letting the rest of us see Tai and Dora makin' out is one of those times. Marten: Pintsize said the same thing. I hope you're proud of yourself. Steve: Pintsize is a chill bro. Number 1937: Speaker of the Bros Raven: I sensed that someone needed help with science and swooped to the rescue! Hannelore: Thank you, Science Fairy! Number 1939: Raven Returns Faye: You're my boafregh. My boyfremb. You're my borthreim. You're... you're my boyfling DAMMIT I'M SORRY Angus: No no, keep trying! This is way cuter than I was expecting! Raven: Ooh, I want a boyfling! Number 1943: Her Bremflem Jim: Sorry, my daughter walked back from her mom's place and wanted to know when I'd be home. Dora: Aww. Samantha: Okay, I totally have time to clean this up. Number 1957: Daddy Dearest Marten: This is weird. I've never really been friends with an ex before. Dora: It's nice. I won't have to drag your body out to the old quarry. Number 1966: Catching Up Faye: Are you gonna come in and hang out with us, or sit out here and look all Zen-contented for the rest of the night? Marten: I'd like to come inside but both my legs are asleep. Number 1970: Nervous Breakdown Dora: We're both remembering the last time we had sex, aren't we. Marten: Second-to-last time, actually. Dora: Ooh, yeah. That was way better. Number 1980: Been There, Done That Dora: Sweetie, your problem's simple. You just have to figure out what you want from life, and then go for it. [beat panel] Marten: I want a cheeseburger. And a haircut. Wait, no. Haircut, then cheeseburger. Don't wanna have meat-burps in the barber's face. Dora: A truly earthshaking personal epiphany. Number 1982: Reach For That Brass Ring Sentient Toaster: I make bread FUN! Number 1999: It's Been A Recurring Problem Numbers 2000–2099 Pintsize: Hey, hot stuff. What's your name? Momo: Do you not recognize me, Pintsize? It's me. Momo. THIS is for all the times you tried to look under my skirt! And THIS is for changing my startup tone to farty noises! Marigold: I'm sorry! Marten: It's cool. I'll give her 5 more minutes or until his head caves in, whichever happens first. Number 2002: The Countess of Monte Cristo Momo: I can cook for you! Now that I can actually reach the stove and refrigerator, I can make you healthy meals! Marigold: Psh yeah, great. I can't even take care of myself, I need a robot to do it. That's not pathetic at all. Momo: I can also reach your head to smack you upside it when you are being unreasonable. Number 2003: She's A Bit Of A Pout Marten: Can you just hire someone like that? Tai: Sure, why not? As long as I don't go over budget or burn the library down, I basically have free reign. Besides, how did you think I got your unqualified ass a job? Marten: Hey, my ass has plenty of qualifications! Momo: Is that something you are supposed to put on your resume? Number 2007: It's Good For Sitting Padma: You got a robot pregnant?! Number 2009: Who's Your Daddy [After a Pokemon quiz given to Momo by Samantha.] Marten: Do you really know all that, or are you looking at Wikipedia in your head? Momo: Please. I live with Marigold. Number 2010: PokeMasters Samantha: All hail Froglord, king of the amphibians Number 2026: Lord Of The Flies Marten: Note to self: start knocking before entering your apartment. Number 2030: Duck! Faye: Give me a coping mechanism on the rocks. Wil: I don't believe I know that drink. Faye: It's easy. You put two ice cubes in a glass, then dump 'em out and fill it with bourbon. Number 2039: First Profession Marten: Sorry, sorry, it's really hard to have a serious conversation when you're all stuffy-sounding. Faye: I do lag a cerdain grabitas ad the mobent. Number 2044: At Least Let The Bleeding Stop Hannelore: I... I think I need a cigarette... Tai: Seriously. Forget girls, I'm an audiosexual now. Number 2050: There's A Limiter To Your Love Marten: Your boobs are amazing, too. Padma: I know, right? Ever since I was fourteen, it's been like, "Damn, girl!" Number 2057: Bras Are Hard To Draw Marten: Dammit Steve, you're supposed to be helping me feel better. Steve: Hey, I tried to chestbump you when you told me, but you got all weird about it. Number 2061: Brojected Faye: I meant it when I said I loved you too. Angus: I spent the whole weekend wondering if you just blurted it out 'cause I put you on the spot. Faye: Well... yeah, that's kinda what happened. But I did mean it retrospectively! Angus: Good enough. Number 2067: Take It Or Leave It Momo: Yes, our years-long struggle to attain even the most basic civil rights is all a smokescreen for our sinister plan to turn you all into nutrient soup for our bio-droids. Marigold: Can I be a bio-droid? That sounds cool. Clinton: I'll happily operate the soupifier if I can be on you guys' side. Hannelore: This is why people scare me more than robots. Number 2069: I For One Welcome Marigold: You can look at the stars and say "they sure are pretty" without having to calculate how many light-years away each one is. Clinton: Not if you want to GET to them someday. Hannelore: It took years of therapy before I could look up at night without having a panic attack. Number 2072: Spectrum Analysis Is Cooler Anyway Marten and Padma [thinking]: I'm in trouble. Number 2074: On The Double Dora: Oh, he is so screwed. Raven: For the next couple weeks, anyway. Number 2079: Figuraliterally Elliot: You ought to expect better of people. It encourages you to be a better person yourself. Also, maybe put some pants on. Number 2081: Great Expectations Faye: Angus loves me. He LOVES me. And I love him. And I was trying to pin down WHY I love him. He's funny, he's smart, he can stand up to me... But deep down, what if the main reason I love him is that it means I'm not alone? Is that enough? Number 2082: Worry Town Faye: Now that I feel better, I can't justify eating this entire bag of cookies. Number 2084: Bow Before Your Cookiemaster Numbers 2100–2199 Pintsize: Either this is the best virtual peyote I've ever had, or you really are a talking cactus. Number 2103: Yearly Pilgrimage Hannelore: Sorry, the government made dad take the lasers out. Marten: You too, huh? Number 2107: Sweet Ride Spaceship: You humans and your faulty plumbing take all the glamor out of space travel. Number 2110: Fuck Yeah Lens Flare Hannelore: I called my dad "Science Daddy" until I was 17. Number 2113: Biggie Ain't Dead Hannelore: You know how obsessive I am about cleanliness? I was WAY worse when I was little. I'd spend days adjusting the bedsheets, or the curtains, or worrying about dust bunnies under the bed, even though Station never let any dust build up. And those were my FUNCTIONAL days. Some days I'd just have constant panic attacks and scream until I passed out. Or I'd be so drugged out on sedatives I'd just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. [Beat panel.] Hannelore: Wanna see pictures? I have a photo album! Number 2117: Photonomicon Station: Blink once for "go fuck yourself"; twice for "apology accepted". Number 2119: Compensation Dora: Why did you give him espresso?! I told you not to give him espresso! Pintsize [in a suit of armor]: NOW ENDS THE AGE OF MAN Faye: That's what we should tell them we missed while they were gone. Pintsize: Why can't I wear the wedding dress?! Number 2126: I, Eschaton John: Just how old am I now, anyway? Hannelore: You're fifty-six! John: Fifty six?! Good lord, this is no time for a party! I've got so much to accomplish before I die! Number 2129: Pretty Spry For An Old Guy Dr. Bernadette Case: Now I'm going to toss this apple into the path of the laser! Observe the reaction! Marigold: THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE Number 2131: Trashbot Loves You Marigold: Maybe Station put some kinda cyborg implant in [Hannelore's] brain that made her less crazy! Marten: Marigold, I don't think- Dr. Bernadette Case: Actually, that's one of the more popular theories. Number 2134: Cybersanity Marten: Marigold thinks Station gave you a cybernetic implant to help with your, uh, mental problems. Hannelore: Station! They KNOW! Station: Acknowleg'd. Releasin' hunter killer drois. Hannelore: ...Just kidding. Number 2135: They Also Serve Drinks Hannelore: I'm going to wash my hands. I want a drink waiting for me when I get back, and they better be at LEAST making eye contact. Number 2140: Helping Things Along Lt. Potter: FUCK YEAH HUG THE SHIT OUT OF HIM Number 2146: Applause Discouraged Hannelore: Well, my friends have taught me that a little physical contact isn't so bad once in awhile. [Beat panel as John turns to look at Marten.] John: Schtup my daughter, eh? I'll box you stupid and have you out the airlock before you can say Higgs Boson! Number 2147: Scienceweight Division Hannelore: Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do. Marigold: ...Will there be cake? Number 2150: Ice Cream, Too Lt. Potter: Let's get outta here before they start trying to arm-wrestle the hunter-killer droids. Marten: I dunno, if they're gonna do THAT I might stick around. Number 2151: Take Her, Please Hannelore: I love you too, Station. But I can't stay. I'm sorry. Number 2159: Home Is Where The Heart Is Sven: If horniness isn't an emotion, I've got more to learn than I thought. Number 2192: Biological Response Dora: So apparently my brother isn't banging tons of girls at random anymore. Faye: That's odd. I haven't seen any flying pigs around and last I checked the earth's core was still molten. Number 2199: Promiscuity Numbers 2200–2299 Momo: It gives me hope - it gives ALL of us hope - that one day we will be fully accepted. Marten: I hate to sound pessimistic, but we're still working on racism, sexism, homophobia... Momo: We are aware that "one day" may in fact be "another rung up the evolutionary ladder". Number 2201: Some Things Never Change Claire: Is this some kind of weird hazing ritual? Number 2204: Basic Training Gabby: I heard if you order a smoothie they just smash up a banana with a hammer and put it in a cup. Number 2209: Which One Is Dilbert Marten: Wayfarers, Noam Chomsky flyer, and keys to a Volvo. Hampshire student droppings. Lemme show you where we keep the special net. Number 2212: Training Montage Tai: Jeez, now I feel guilty for getting high and watching cartoons all day. Number 2215: Give It Your All Faye: We've established Naked Mole Rat Law in this apartment. All who smell different will be expelled. Your gift of fancy wine has earned you a temporary visa. Number 2221: Eusocial Life Tai: If you think you're a mess, it's only 'cause you hold yourself to a higher standard. And that - is why I'm absolutely crazy about you. Number 2227: Awww Yeah Hannelore: BUT think how cute your babies would be! Dora: Uh, Hannelore, we're both female, we can't - Hannelore: WE ARE WORKING ON THAT TECHNOLOGY Number 2240: Give It 10 Years Marten: Just 'cause the cat got out of the bag doesn't mean I'm gonna let it run out the front door and into traffic. Number 2243: Coach Service Clinton: Oh god, you've met Claire? She didn't do anything weird, did she? Faye: That, coming from you? Number 2244: Family Resemblance Tai: You promise you're okay with this? For real? Marten: Haha, yeah. I promise. I'm happy for you guys. Tai: Good, because right now I would happily sacrifice our friendship for more Dora-kisses. Marten: This is what I like about our relationship. The brutal honesty. Number 2248: Tai Used To Play Rugby Faye: You make it seem like some kinda trial procedure. Dora: And I'm judge, jury, and sexecutioner. Hannelore: I'm sorry Dora but I have to turn the hose on you for that pun. Shop rules. Number 2252: A Spraying, Or A Beating? Tai: Hell yes. My pussy rules. Number 2257: Body Image Dora: Right now you're just the sexy little redhead who works at the library. But I know there's more to you than that. Tai: Okay, here's a fact about me: I apparently get super-flustered when you call me sexy. Number 2261: It's Her Superpower Marten: Did she grab your butt? Tai: Oh yeah, she grabbed the hell out of it. Marten: The date went fine. Butt-grabs are Dora-code for "I'm having fun." Number 2268: The Dora-Whisperer Faye: What am I supposed to do with all this surplus rage now? Number 2271: I Pity The Next Customer Claire: A large latte, and a "banana smoothie" for Emily. Hannelore: It'll be a couple minutes. I have to go wash off the hammer. Number 2273: Bomb Disposal Claire: Your dad? Wait, you're Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham?! Hannelore [brandishing a garden hose]: Don't make me do this! I don't want to but I will! Number 2278: Can't Really Blame Her Marten: Modern cybernetics is really sending mixed messages to kids. "Don't play with fireworks, or you'll end up with sweet robot body parts." Number 2281: Hand It To Him Momo: Companion AIs are the ambassadors of our kind. We foster understanding and acceptance between humans and AIs. I cannot think of a more noble calling. Number 2284: Also Dog Jpegs Marigold: STOP DANGING AT ME Number 2291: Fitting Room Angus: This is a trap, isn't it. Emily's luring us into the woods so she can hunt us for sport. Faye [brandishing a knife]: I'm prepared. Number 2292: Script By Cassandra Clare Marten: Hello? Emily? Anybody home? [Emily comes out from behind a corner, wearing a goalie mask and holding a hand axe. Faye, Marten, Momo and Angus stare at her.] Angus [while Faye is brandishing her knife]: Called it. Number 2293: Camp Crystal Lake Marten [re: Emily]: Oh lord, we've adopted another one. Faye: If she follows you home, you're in charge of feeding her. Number 2298: And Also Bananas Numbers 2300–2399 Cosette: Twenty bucks and I'll let you grab his butt. Claire: I DON'T WANNA GRAB HIS lemme go get my wallet Number 2301: Big Pimpin' Steve: I love you, man! I love you! Marten: Dude we have talked about this. Number 2321: Real Talk Claire: Marten, hey. Marten: What's up? Claire: I... I'm trans. And... since we're friends, I thought you'd like to know that about me. Marten: Yeah, sure. Thanks for telling me, Claire. Number 2323: Willingly Ignorant Claire: You really worry about accidentally outing me, don't you. Clinton: I just... wanna make sure you're safe. Number 2327: Family Dynamics Momo: What do you do all day, then? Pintsize: Do you have any idea how much pornography there is on the internet? Momo: Ugh, no. Pintsize: Neither do I. BUT I INTEND TO FIND OUT. Number 2331: Not Rhetorical Marten: There was no sex involved. Pintsize: Well it's my headcanon and you should respect that. Number 2334: Trigger Warning: Arachnids Momo: You should not have been assigned Pintsize as your companion. [Beat panel.] Marten: Well it worked out all right in the end, so - Pintsize: YOU MEAN I COULDA BEEN WITH A HOT CHICK THIS WHOLE TIME?! Number 2336: Grim Truths Marigold: I wonder where Pintsize sleeps. In Marten's room? Momo: In a Faraday cage? Duct taped to the wall? In a lead-lined box at the bottom of the ocean? Number 2342: Sleeping Arrangements Jim: Okay Sam, let's go. You're in big trouble. Samantha [wearing a skull mask, on top of Faye's shoulders]: THERE IS NO SAM HERE THERE IS ONLY SKULLMASTER, MASTER OF SKULLS Jim: Well you better FIND her, because she's ALREADY grounded for a week, and if I don't see her face in the next 3 seconds I'm extending it to a MONTH. [Beat panel.] Samantha: PUNY MORTAL! YOUR FEEBLE THREATS ARE NOTHING TO SKULLMASTER, MASTER OF SKULLS Dora: Holy crap, she doubled down! Number 2346: Froglord's Greatest Foe Samantha: But I didn't say those things, Skullmaster did! Jim: Well if it makes you feel better, you're both grounded. Number 2347: Snips And Snails Tai: Emily is giggling. Should we be worried? Marten: I'm gonna go get some coffee. If she's still doing it when I get back, I'll call the paramedics. Number 2361: Hair's To You Hannelore: Hey Marten! Faye and Dora left me in charge of the shop! Isn't that great? Marten: Uh, yeah, but what's with the huge line of people? Hannelore: I'm paralyzed by the responsibility! Isn't that great?! Marten: Claire, you do crowd control while I go get her Ativan. Don't be afraid to use the sword if you have to. Number 2364: Just Great Claire [holding the sword]: Can I keep this? It makes me feel... powerful. Marten: Put down the sword, Xena. Number 2365: Warrior Princess Marten: I should start working out or something. What exercise gives you good shoulders? Claire: Oh no, have I started an arms race? Number 2367: Sick Delts, Bro Dora: I haven't been laid since I broke up with MARTEN. I had a dream last night where I got into a fight with my vulva because it was MAD at me. Faye: That's *snrk* terrible. Dora: It WAS! My vulva and I are normally FRIENDS! And it's not normally 8 feet tall and swinging a baseball bat at my head! Number 2369: Sweet Dreams Claire: C'mon, do something weird to distract us. Emily: I never do anything weird! Number 2371: What About Funny Impressions? Henry: Anyway, it's going to be a pretty small affair. We didn't want to go too extravagant. Veronica: So, the exact opposite of our wedding, then? Henry: That wasn't so much a wedding as a three-ring circus. Number 2382: That Ginn Boy Veronica: Marten! Clarice! Marten: Hey, mom. Claire: Um, it's actually Claire. Veronica: Funny, you look more like a Clarice to me. Claire: Yes ma'am my name is Clarice from now on ma'am Marten: You've got your dom-voice on, mom. Veronica: Oop! Sorry! Number 2383: On/Off Switch Marten: Well, how did you meet dad? Veronica: You know that scene in Lady and the Tramp where they're slurping up both ends of a noodle and end up kissing? Marten: Y - yes... Veronica: It was like that, but with a line of cocaine instead of pasta. Number 2386: The Thin White Line Jane: Good to see you, you horrid old twat. Veronica: You too, darling. You've lost weight! Is that just from sucking cock all day? Marten: Suddenly my taste in friends makes a lot more sense to me. Number 2391: Best Frenemies Marten: Fuck yeah, two dads! Number 2399: Stadtkind Numbers 2400–2499 Claire: It's... peaty? Is that the right word? But there's also some vanilla and caramel in there. And maybe a hint of... old leather? That's weird. Last night it just tasted like horrible burning. Number 2400: Kwiscotch Haderach Claire: So where are you guys honeymooning? Henry: Hawaii. Maurice: We considered France, but it doesn't have any active volcanoes. Number 2409: Chaîne Des Puys Marigold: No, I'm serious! Spaghetti-Os and Mountain Dew and you'll be totally better! Hannelore: I am just feverish enough that this seems plausible. Number 2413: Folk Remedy Faye: As long as you can make rent. Otherwise I'm harvesting one of your kidneys. Number 2419: Friendvestments Clinton: Dammit, my hand is stuck in murder-mode. Let's go to the grocery store, I need to find something trachea-like for it to crush. Number 2425: Homicide In Aisle 3 Claire: I felt safe at the wedding and I trust Marten. So I don't think getting drunk was a giant risk. Clinton: Well yeah, but you never know - Claire: You never know if you're gonna get hit by a bus one day. But that doesn't mean you can't ever leave your house, it means you should look both ways when you cross the street. Number 2427: Please Don't Get Too Close To Me Clinton [to Marten]: Thanks for being a gentleman about my stupid sister cuddling you. Clinton [off Claire's horrified expression]: What? I said thanks! Number 2431: Apocalyptic Kindness Claire: Just... just gimme a minute for the Ativan to kick in. [Beat panel.] Marten: Has it kicked in yet? Claire: You ever wanna just sit and stare at a wall for, like, three hours? Number 2432: Lorazepanic Claire: I didn't, like, grab your butt or anything, did I? Marten: Nah, I checked in the morning and the tamper-proof seal was still intact. Number 2433: Pops When Opened Dora: Basically, just do the opposite of whatever Marten does and you'll be fine. Faye: God bless the boy, but at this rate he's gonna wake up one day and be 40 years old and not know what happened. Number 2442: Running In Place Dora: You're on the clock until close. If you want pizza and beer we can have it HERE. Faye: Pssh, FINE. You SLAVE DRIVER. Dora: Yeah, yeah, I'm the worst boss ever. I'm surprised you can even talk, what with your throat being crushed under my fuzzy bunny slipper of authority. Number 2445: Comfortable Jackboots Pintsize [re: Marten and Faye]: TLDR: They wanted to bang but didn't. Number 2457: Consult The Wiki Faye: Aw, you'd miss me that much? Marten: Almost as much as I'd miss your half of the rent. Dora: You could make Pintsize start paying, but I shudder to think how he'd earn the money. Number 2460: Completely Unemployable Faye: Don't you have friends your age? Samantha: Yeah, but they don't let me make swords. Number 2464: Obvious Appeal Dora [to Samantha]: Honey, a basement full of spiders is a health hazard. Hannelore: The basement is full of spiders? My dad will be in position to drop a tungsten rod on this place in 64 minutes. Dora: Pretty sure orbital bombardment isn't covered by my insurance. Number 2468: Yes, Basically Tai: It would be mean-spirited to do a victory dance right now, wouldn't it. Dora: I'll allow it as long as you keep it tasteful and under 20 seconds. Number 2474: Select Some Appropriate Music Marten [re: Jim]: Oh, sure. "Hey mom, there's a guy I barely know who went on a date with my ex, wanna fly across the country and maybe hook up with him?" Tai: What, you don't think your mom would go for it? Marten: I think she might. That's the problem. Number 2480: The Parent Trap Marten: Why are you being so insistent about this? Tai and Claire: IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE A ROMANTIC COMEDY Number 2481: Begging To Be Optioned Momo [to Dale and Marigold]: Why, look at that! You are both eating the same flavor of beef jerky! Do you know what that means? Dale: What's it mean? Momo [with her electronic self-defense mechanism activated]: It means I am taking you to the diner so you can eat something at least APPROXIMATING an actual meal. Number 2485: Now With Extra Salt Dale: Glasses, google "why would an AnthroPC need to go to the bathroom." Dale [holding glasses at arm's length and shutting his eyes in disgust]: SAFESEARCH ON! SAFESEARCH ON! Number 2488: Right In The Eyes Emily: I was up all night reading about beetles. Marten: I... see. Emily: Did you know that beetles comprise 25 percent of ALL KNOWN ANIMAL LIFE FORMS? Marten: I, uh, no. I didn't. Emily [holding her hands up to her head like a pair of antennae]: That means there's a 1-in-4 chance that anyone you meet is SECRETLY A BEETLE. Marten: Go to bed, Emily. Number 2490: I Bet It's Hannelore [Dale wakes up to see a translucent-blue anime chick in a French maid's outfit.] May: ~Good morning, Master~ Dale [covering his head with his pillow]: NOPE May: M-master! Wait! Number 2491: Anime Hell May: OH THANK FUCKIN' GOD. You know you're the FIFTEENTH GODDAMN PERSON I've had to deal with this morning? Everyone else opted out on me. Fuckin' shitstains. Arright, first things first - I'm not doing that crappy "master" bullshit anymore. Makes me wanna fuckin' puke. I'm s'posed to read off the license agreement, but it's real goddamn long so if you gotta piss you better go now. Number 2492: So Sweet And Demure Dale: Can other people see you? May: Hell no. That holographic projection shit is WAY expensive. Dale: So if I talk to you in public people will think I'm crazy. Great. May: You've got glowing glasses, dude. People already think you're a freak. Number 2495: Nom De Guerre Numbers 2500–2599 May: HELLO, I coulda been a FIGHTER JET Number 2502: Free Like A Bird Faye: The voices in your head aren't real, dude. Number 2505: It's For The Best [Dale has been given a pizza to deliver to Marigold.] May: Who the fuck is Marigold? Dale: She's this girl I... wanted to be friends with. But it got fucked up. May: Oh this is going to be COMEDY GOLD. Dale: Great. Number 2506: Familiar Address May: Gee I dunno, maybe she doesn't like you because you HARASSED her over a goddamn VIDEO GAME. Number 2507: Gynophobia May: These idiots are WAY too socially inept for your cute little schemes to work. I say shove 'em in a room and lock the door until they either fuck or kill each other. Dale: MAY! Momo: Her door does not lock from the outside, but I might be able to position a chair such that it cannot be opened. May [putting her arm through Dale's chest]: I'd help, but hey, hologram over here. Number 2510: Kali Mah Momo: Do you think this will work? May: I sure fuckin' hope so. It won't look good on my parole report if she kills him. Number 2511: Reckless Endangerment Dale: Anything you wanna do with the time we've got left? May: I'd like to watch the stars. Number 2514: Stellar Bodies Dora: We need to talk. Faye: Reminder that if you're firing me I have SEVERAL PORTFOLIOS full of blackmail material. Number 2522: Highdeas [All of Coffee of Doom's employees are present.] Dora: Good morning, ladies. I have a special announcement to make. Starting today, Faye will be assistant manager of the shop. She'll be in charge of you guys so I can focus on other aspects of the business. [Beat panel.] Penelope: I quit. Cosette: Me too. Number 2524: Proportionate Response Faye: Sounds like we need another worker drone, then. Give Dale a call; he was interested. Dora: You're okay with working with a guy? Faye: As the new Assistant Manager, I am committed to the ideal of a nondiscriminatory workplace. Plus, he looks like a wimp. He'll be easy to boss around. Number 2529: High-Level Talks Claire: If I promise not to take my pants off, will you come with me? Marten: Haha, sure. Tai: BOOOORING Number 2532: Hand-Holder Marten: Don't go fishing for compliments with Faye, you'll only pull up old boots and tires. Number 2536: New Shoes Angus: Hey cutie, how was work today? Faye: Check it out. [Angus leans in to look at an Assistant Manager tag on Faye's tank top.] Angus: Yup, tits are looking good today! Faye: You twit. Number 2541: He's Not Wrong Though Faye: It's gonna seem overwhelming at first, but try to keep up. This is the register. This is the espresso machine. Dale: Whoa, whoa, slow down. Which one is the espresso machine? Faye: And this is the face of someone who doesn't appreciate your sarcasm. Number 2543: A Slow Start Hannelore: Marigold, are you going to congratulate Dale on - Marigold: I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS Dale: Yeah, me neither. Faye made me practice swordfighting for two hours this morning. Number 2544: Anime Trap Dale: Shouldn't we be helping the customers instead of standing around and talking? Hannelore: This is how Faye does it, so I'm just following her example. Number 2546: Estimated Wait: 45 Minutes Hannelore: I like working with Dale. He's nice. Faye: He's suspiciously chill. Everything's either "cool" or "all right" with him. Hannelore: Is that a bad thing? Faye: It just means I have to try harder. Bring a helmet tomorrow, you're gonna need it. Number 2551: And Some Body Armor Momo: Dale's efforts to avoid eye contact did not extend to Marigold's chest, and she had a similar response to his bottom when he got up to use the bathroom. Marten: Yup, they're totally gonna bang. Number 2566: Projections Claire: ...So yeah. It's different for everybody, but I've been so focused on figuring out who I am I haven't had time for romance. [Beat panel.] Claire: So, um, are you okay with the fact that I'm tran - Emily [grabbing and hugging Claire]: OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SO COOL Number 2572: Ice Cold Tai: I'm sorry, is it weird to come to you for dating advice about your ex-girlfriend? Marten: Dunno. Every other aspect of my life has thrown off my weirdness calibration. Number 2582: DoraPedia Tai: ...We both got advice from our friends, didn't we. Dora: You talked to Marten, right? I can tell by the cadence of your apology. Number 2583: Make Up Or Make Out Numbers 2600–2699 Delilah: Wow, you're either the chillest dude ever or a gigantic pushover. Marten: Bit of both. Number 2622: Favors Owed Marten: So, uh, can I get your number or something? Delilah: Last night was a lot of fun, Mark. But let's not try to turn this into something it isn't. Marten: Sure, right. Number 2628: What's In A Name? Marten: She didn't even get my name right. Steve: Aw, that sucks bro. Cosette: What was her name? [Beat panel.] Marten: Hang on, hang on, I know I know this. Cosette: Uh huh. Number 2630: Daria, Dolly, Dumbledore Cosette: It's pretty hypocritical to be all emo about her not knowing your name when you don't know hers. Marten: I know, I know. Number 2631: Self-Congratulatory Momo: THE SYRUP IS FOR THE PANCAKES Number 2639: Doin' It Canadian Style Momo: You are not a slut. You are a grown woman, and you have the right to decide when you want to have sexual intercourse with someone. Marigold: And he's not gonna lose interest 'cause we did it right away? Momo: He appeared to be slightly concussed when he left. Assuming he does not have amnesia, I think he will remain interested. Number 2643: Empowerment Marten: Tai put so much work into her float. I didn't have the heart to tell her the parade is rained out. Number 2654: Thanksgiving Rose Jimbo: Kid, there ain't been no money in poetry since Dr. Seuss got shot. Wil: He died of cancer. Jimbo: Shows what YOU know about poetry. Number 2667: Secret Dueling Society Faye: This is your dream. I want you to achieve it. Now go down there and knock 'em dead. Angus: That sounds disturbingly literal, coming from you. Faye: That's why I'm not gonna tell you to break a leg. Number 2674: Burst A Testicle Marten: I'm not upset. I'm... look, imagine if YOUR mom just showed up unannounced one day. Veronica: I'm pretty sure the whale-phallus door knocker would keep her out. Marten: I was being rhetorical. Number 2681: It's A Big Door Knocker Veronica: I hope Faye and Angus are okay. Marten: They're either fuckin' or fightin'. Veronica: I recommend fucking. You're too tired to fight afterwards. Number 2685: Knocking Boots Marten: You're blushing. I didn't know moms could blush. Number 2688: Turns Out They Can Marten: And besides, if this works out I could end up with three dads! That's so many dads! Number 2689: So, So Many Numbers 2700–2799 Samantha: If... if your mom and my dad get married, we'd be sister and brother. Marten: Step-siblings, yeah. Samantha: I call dibs on the front seat in the car. Marten: Darn, you beat me to it. Number 2703: She's Pragmatic May: Hey buddy! It's me! May! Dale: SHIT May: Nice to see you too, ass-dick. Number 2710: Her Again Dale: You pay rent. You help clean. And if you do or say ANYTHING to hurt Marigold - May: Creating Nice_List.txt. Entering "Marigold". Saving and closing. Number 2713: Robots.txt Faye: You want REALLY cheap rent, move to the South. You can get a nice apartment in Savannah just by smilin' at the right people. Number 2718: Don't Forget To Pay Your Rent [Samantha has just punched Pintsize.] Samantha: I'm sorry! I don't know why I punched him! Marten: This is gonna sound weird, but I'm glad you didn't have a reason. Number 2734: Glassjaw Sven: I think I'm in love with you. Faye: AAAAAAAA Number 2742: Whaaaaaaaat Faye: And you expect me to just throw myself into your arms now that you've told me? Sven: Are you going to? Faye: Oh my god you're an idiot. Number 2744: That's How This Works, Right? Marten: Emily kissed me on the cheek. Faye: Sven told me he was in love with me. Marten: Okay, you win. I'll go buy us some Crisis Wine. Faye: Beat you to it. You can pay me back. Number 2767: Incredible Crisis Dora: I finally realized my brother is a toxic person and I'm cutting him out of my life as entirely as I possibly can! Number 2776: Svenectomy Claire: Am I the only person here who actually WANTS to be a librarian? Tai: You're also the only person here on your day off, nerd. Number 2789: The Sickest Burn Faye: So how long have you had a crush on Marty? [Claire spit-takes her drink.] Number 2795: The Inevitable Question Faye: There's a bottle of bourbon in the cabinet with our name on it. Claire: This is where the night goes from "we had fun" to "mistakes were made", isn't it. Number 2798: Claire Knows What's Up Numbers 2800–2899 Claire: I hate being reasonable. Marten: You're cute when you're reasonable. Number 2801: Cooler Heads Marten: I need pancakes before I can process this. Pintsize: I feel that way about everything. Number 2803: Me Too Marten: I like you, and I think you like me, and I want to see where this takes us. [Marten and Claire kiss.] Number 2807: Nose Grows Some Angus: This is my dream. Can't you just be happy for me? Faye: I thought I could. Number 2814: It's The Thought That Doesn't Count Hannelore: Marigold you are my friend but if we lived together I would literally murder you. Number 2826: Another Odd Couple Dora: Go home, Faye. You're fired. Number 2879: Homeward Bound Numbers 2900–2999 Hannelore: Find anything? Faye: There's a guy who wants someone to "murder his balls". I can do that. Number 2906: Possibly OVERqualified Pintsize: Damn it! How am I supposed to make fun of you when you're being all apologetic?! First Marten puts Claire off-limits, and then this! I wish I had been born a TOASTER. At least then I'd be getting bread-fucked on a regular basis. Number 2908: Toasty Tai: Yay, we survived our first fight. Dora: If we get into another one, please don't leave. I missed my morning butt-grabs. Number 2914: Morning Ritual Faye: I'm a coward. I'm a coward who was too scared to take a risk on a good man. He left, and I drank to numb the pain. That cost me my job. So I drank to numb that. That put me in the hospital. And despite that, I'd kill for a drink right now. So there. That's my contribution. Number 2923: Opening Up Hannelore: I'm really scared. Faye: I'm sorry, kiddo. I'd hug you, but I know that'd freak you out. Hannelore: Also you're driving, and I take automotive safety very seriously. Number 2964: Always Buckle Up Marten: It's amazing how many problems you solve with threats of violence. You're like a Swiss army knife of hate. Number 2975: Or A Multitool Emily: People tell me I'm weird, or spacey, or "random", whatever that means. At first it hurt my feelings. People were saying I'm not like them, and it was a bad thing. But then I realized people use those words because they're lazy. They call me weird so they can dismiss me. "Don't mind Emily, she's just weird." "Oh Emily, you're so random." It's like, screw you for thinking I'm "random". As if being myself is a calculated act. A defense mechanism. I'm happy with who I am, and with how my brain works, and if that makes you uncomfortable that's your problem, not mine. Clinton: Wow. Emily: And when I explain this to people they're like "ooh, she has hidden depths." No I don't! My depths aren't hidden! I'm weird all the way down! You just can't handle it! Number 2999: Beyonce Moment Numbers 3000–3099 Bubbles [re: Pintsize]: Are you here to enter him in the fights? Faye: Actually, I'd love to see that. Pintsize: I'm a lover, not a fighter! Bubbles: We have a tournament for that, as well. Number 3003: Her Name Is Bubbles Corpse Witch: How would you fix this chassis? Faye: Hammer out the dent, work some reinforcement over the crack. It'll be heavier but stronger than it was before. Corpse Witch: Yes, yes, you'd repair the damage. But how would you FIX the chassis? Faye: I... guess I could put some spikes on it? Corpse Witch: Excellent! You DO understand! Number 3007: Her Name Is CORPSE WITCH Faye: Jesus Christ Barry, I might as well start over from a trash can and some aluminum foil. Number 3018: Friendly Fire Dora: Does "hey bro, we need to talk" sound too casual? Tai: You typed "asshole" instead of "bro". Dora: Oh yeah, I should turn off that auto-replace. Number 3023: SkullPhone 6 Plus Hannelore: How did he know I like fruit? Number 3030: What Are The Odds Marten: Hannelore's dad sent her this weird DEVICE and we can't figure out what it's for. Dora: Why don't you just call him and ask? [Beat panel.] Marten: I can't believe that didn't occur to any of us. Number 3045: So Obvious It Hurts Faye: I said "we're having a party" and you responded with practical concerns instead of "woo, party!" Marten: Oh god I'm getting old Number 3053: The Inevitable Claire: Once I get my own place it will be 99% bookshelf by volume. Number 3069: Like A Pool Boy Claire: Mom doesn't ask what happens in my bedroom, and I don't ask what happens in hers. Faye: Hah! Maybe she's having a crazy threesome right now! Claire: On one hand, gross, but on the other, go mom. You do you. Number 3069: Like A Pool Boy May: Screw soccer, ignorance is the official sport of humanity. Number 3074: Let Me Fill You In May: And if you two eventually bone down, I want pics of her outta her armor. Faye: I knew something horrible was coming. Number 3075: Hoe That Row Pintsize: PLEASE, PLEASE FILL MY HEAD WITH BIRDSEED Number 3079: Not Even A Trainee Numbers 3100–3199 Dora: You were right. Tai: Say that again. I find it intensely arousing. Number 3111: Backroom Shenanigans Samantha: I can't play Mario games. I don't approve of violence against turtles. Number 3130: True To Form Hannelore: You don't play with Dale? Marigold: We have philosophical differences. I'm Horde, he's Alliance. He's a Paragon, I'm a Renegade. I'm tiles, he's ASCII. Hannelore: I guess opposites do attract. Marigold: He likes the zig-zag shaped Tetris blocks. I'll never understand boys. Number 3137: PETSTUFF.HORSE Hannelore: I could make you some tea. We have a couple AI customers who order it because they enjoy the aroma. Bubbles: My olfactory sensors are calibrated for the detection of chemical and biological weapons. Hannelore: You should definitely try our tea, then. Bubbles: That is an... alarming endorsement. Number 3146: Smell Test Pintsize: I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO POOP HAMBURGERS, IS THAT SO WRONG Number 3184: AnthroPC Helper Claire: Look, I'm trans, and maybe it won't be in the future, but right now it's a struggle. So I get annoyed when people assume technology is going to magically fix all our problems. It won't do anything about bigotry. We have to fight that now. Number 3185: Fleshy Bits Hannelore: I'm pretty sure my dad's last words are gonna be "don't worry, perfectly normal, everything's under AAAAAGH" Number 3189: Quite The Epitaph Corpse Witch: I, ah, wouldn't go in there if I were you! Bubbles can be... VIOLENT when she's upset. Best to just leave her alone and go about your workday, eh? Faye: Screw that. I'm goin' to check on my friend. Number 3194: Let Her Be Bubbles: ...Why are you so determined to be kind to me? Faye: At first it was 'cause you look super badass, and I was like, "damn, I wanna make friends with Megatron over there." Now it's 'cause you're actually pretty likable when you're not threatening to punch my face off. Bubbles: I only did that once. And I apologized. Number 3196: It Was A One Time Thing Numbers 3200–3299 Dora: Greetings, Skullmaster. Would Skullmaster like a cup of hot chocolate? Samantha: SKULLMASTER DRINKS ONLY THE BLOOD OF SKULLMASTER'S ENEMIES Dora: I have mini marshmallows! Samantha: SKULLMASTER PREVIOUSLY MISSPOKE ABOUT SKULLMASTER'S DIETARY REQUIREMENTS Number 3200: A Grim Harvest Is Upon Us Faye: This is mostly a rhetorical question, but would you fire me if I brought a kid in here? Corpse Witch: Into the sun. Faye: Yeah, thought so. Number 3203: There Are Rules And Then There Are RULES Veronica: Okay, let's consider this. Do you think it's more likely that Faye doesn't like you all of a sudden? Or do you think it's more likely that her job doesn't want her to bring friends to work? Samantha: The... the second one? Veronica: I agree. And I suspect that if Faye didn't like you, there'd be no doubt about it, and I'd have to dig a hole in the backyard to hide her body. Samantha: You're nice but also scary. I think that's why dad likes you. Number 3204: Probability Discussion Clinton: You can't solve every problem with a harpoon. Number 3214: It's Named "The Equalizer" Claire: You were IN A FIRE and all you wanted to tell me is mom's getting laid? Clinton: It was a weird night, okay?! Number 3227: It Sounds Worse Than It Is Brun: Renee says if you try to take advantage of me she'll mutilate your genitalia. I think she was using hyperbole, because many of the acts she described seem physically improbable. Number 3232: Brun's Guardian Angel Faye: So you were up to top-secret military stuff. What's really under Denver International Airport? Bubbles: A charming bed and breakfast run by genetically enhanced supersoldiers. Number 3242: Bob And Tiffany Bubbles: You have made a show of accommodating my bulk. You have hushed me. I ought to be livid. And yet, somehow, I cannot be angry at you. Hannelore: I am very powerful. Number 3247: Game Of Thrones Bubbles: I seem to have forgotten my wallet. I will not leave a debt unpaid. I offer my left hand as collateral. Please bring me your thickest pry bar. Dora: I'll just start you a tab! Number 3252: They Also Accept PayPal Bubbles: I appreciate your understanding. However, must you refer to me as "Bubs"? Faye: Well, you wouldn't let me call you Miss Bubbles, you vetoed Palkyrie, and you audibly growled at "Large Metal Friend." Number 3256: I Guess She Didn't Go Home Claire: Are you two making bear puns without me? Ursa-cha couple of jerks! Number 3275: The Revenant Jim: I've never seen anybody eat a dozen croissants, let alone that quickly. Number 3288: A Croissant Too Far Clinton: I guess I shouldn't be worried about someone who threatened me with a harpoon being too polite to call me a creep. Brun: We have established a healthy baseline for our relationship. Number 3295: Good Doggy Numbers 3300–3399 May: C'mon, like you never thought of boning down with a human. Momo: I HAVE NOT. In such crude terms. Number 3303: Important Sexposition May: Aw, we're friends? I thought you were just puttin' up with me 'cuz Dale is boinking Marigold! Momo: It is either friendship, or a pathological need for suffering on my part. May: I'll take either one! Number 3304: Splork Splork Splork Claire: Don't mind me! I'm just sitting here drinking a mocha and not meddling in your affairs! Number 3307: Heavy Meddle Faye [to Hannelore]: You would be the worst burglar ever. Breakin' into people's houses and rearranging their bookshelves. Number 3314: Latte Kudasai Faye: Pretty sure life in prison would be safer than you havin' a grudge against me. Bubbles: That is not what I meant, but you make a fair point. Number 3316: Morning Calisthenics Renee: You're thinking thoughts again. Stop it. Elliot: It's my brain and I'll use it how I want. Number 3347: La Li Lu Le Lo May: For what it's worth, I think you're all right. I hope you and Bubbles make up and have a million babies or whatever. Faye: How would that even work? May: I dunno, Pokemon meets The Fly? I ain't a fuckin' robiologist. Number 3369: New Scientific Fields Faye: Also if you decide "fuck it" and compact Corpse Witch into a cube, I'll be your alibi. Bubbles: Let us consider that "plan C". Number 3388: Donk Spookybot: You know that old adage about how androids dream of electric sheep? We're what wakes them up screaming. Number 3391: Sit If You Dare Faye: Bubbes, this is crazy. Think about what happened last time you let some rando AI mess around in your head! Bubbles: Consider that this person was able to render Dora and Emily unconscious without our noticing, and disable you with a touch. If they wished to do me harm, they would have done so already. Spookybot: Unless we got particular pleasure out of fooling you into agreeing with it first. Faye: See? Number 3394: Cats Play With Their Prey Bubbles: Faye. If you are correct and this ends badly, know that your friendship was the sole source of joy in the final part of my existence. It has been an honor. Number 3395: Please Be Safe Faye: You're a fucking asshole. Spookybot: Indisputably. Number 3396: Lawnmower Man Emily: I'm in front of a door with a big lock on it. Spookybot: That would be the representation of the partitioned sector. Use the comically oversized key. Faye: A little on the nose, isn't it? Spookybot: When you create an immersive virtual environment and an incomprehensibly powerful decryption algorithm, you can make them look however you want. Number 3398: The Legend of Bubbles: An Emily To The Past Numbers 3400–3499 Spookybot: Blast. It is as Ms. Azuma said. Whether through malice or incompetence, Corpse Witch simply deleted the data and and encrypted the resulting hole. Those memories are lost forever. Number 3401: The Empty Room Faye: Hang the fuck on. All we got is your word about this. Emily: Faye, I was in there too! It was empty! Spookybot: To be honest, Ms. Whitaker has a point. It is entirely within our ability to subvert this situation for our own purposes. One of the very few downsides of being as powerful as we are is there are no credentials of benevolence we could not falsify. However, consider this: When Bubbles wakes, she will be utterly vulnerable. She will need love, support, and compassion. We are leaving her in your care. Farewell. Number 3402: Ever The Skeptic Bubbles [to Corpse Witch]: I could rip you apart, tear out your mind substrate, and crush it to dust in my hands. There is nothing you could do to stop me. [Bubbles chokes Corpse Witch off the floor.] Bubbles: I choose not to. Number 3406: The Great Destroyer Faye: Now let's go get a pizza. It's the traditional offering for a new roomie to give to the current tenants. Bubbles: I see. Do the different topics hold symbolic importance? Faye: We're an interfaith household. Marty doesn't like olives, but I do. Number 3408: Chicago Style Religion Tortura [to Cosette, re: Steven]: And you. Be nice to zis man. He saved me from robot shark. Was goink to bite my whole body off. You break his heart, I find you. Feed you to pigs. Cosette: o-okay Number 3428: Friendly Exes Faye: Unless I'm mistaken, the two of us have a credit rating someplace between "haha no" and "we wouldn't trust you with a houseplant." Bubbles: I have a houseplant, now. Arthur can vouch for my trustworthiness. Faye: Alert the banks. Number 3452: To Her Credit Faye: We're doin' this we're fuckin' doin' this thing Dora: And now I own your soulllll Faye: Meh. Fuckin' thing's been busted for years now anyway. Number 3455: She Has So Many Bubbles: We have holes in our hearts. We can paper them over, and learn to live with them, but they are still there. Number 3463: Heart Of Darkness Faye: I know I can't fix the hole in your heart, but I can at least be the festive tapestry next to it. Bubbles: And I will be the decorative halberd next to yours. Faye: You totally get my aesthetic. Number 3467: Interior Decor Faye: Is it weird to be a lil' jealous of a robot's booty? Bubbles: If it makes you feel any better, your tax dollars paid for it. Number 3475: Range Of Motion Marten: You'll do great. I know it. Faye: Don't say that. What if it's like showbiz and if you wish someone good luck they're doomed? Marten: In that case, may you end up in prison for assaulting a priest during bankruptcy proceedings. Faye: I like the implication that we'll fail so hard we'll need an exorcism. Number 3483: Break A Leg Claire: Why do you have a detachable butt? Melon: Why WOULDN'T I? Number 3487: We May Never Know The Truth Melon: Arthur, can I borrow $75? My wallet was in my back pocket and I doubt it will survive atmospheric re-entry. Arthur: Oh, your wallet didn't end up in space. I saw the leopard seal eat it. That's why those marine biologists were yelling at us. Number 3488: Reassembly Clinton: I spend a lot of time trying to navigate my basic caveman impulses. Purple-Haired Girl: Me too. I'm constantly fighting the urge to bonk our cook on the head with a rock and roll his body into the river. Cook: I heard that! Stay away from me! Number 3498: The Proper Term is "Ancient Human" Numbers 3500–3599 Renee: I only have second-hand info, but that's never stopped me before! Number 3508: Long Distance Update Renee: I did not sign up to officiate some bullshit sad-sack inverse dick-measuring contest tonight. Number 3511: Mister Coolguy Clinton: It's okay, Claire. It was my fault. He's stronger than he looks. Claire: He looks pretty frickin' strong! What do you do for fun, tear hockey pucks in half?! Elliot: Not since high school... Number 3516: Strongman Renee: I love it when dudes accidentally flirt with each other. Claire: It's like seeing a unicorn Number 3520: Awkward Zone Enhanced Elliot: One time at the gym I accidentally dropped a 45 pound plate and it rolled right through a plate glass window. Bubbles: One time I accidentally pulled the bumper off of a Humvee. Faye: I'm glad you two are hittin' it off. Number 3521: Tales of Battle Faye: No roughin' up the customers unless they don't pay, Bubs. Number 3525: Further Protestation May: Are you telling me that bus full of soccer players isn't gonna bang that limousine full of models? Momo: That was a traffic accident! May: They were pouring champagne on each other! Number 3531: An Airbag Saved My Life Renee: I wanna see you happy, that's all! Elliot: But what about you? You should be happy too... Renee: Pff, I'm fine. See that guy at the bar? He's been checking me out all night. I could probably go bang him in the bathroom right now if I wanted. Elliot: I am speaking in both my personal and professional capacity when I ask you to please not have sex in the bathrooms here. Number 3537: Punishable By Ejection Iris: This is why I like selling humanoid bodies. You get hugs! Number 3542: The More Arms The Better Dora: Guess Pintsize won't be able to push you around anymore, huh. Winslow: Oh, I hadn't thought about it! ...That's a lie. I totally thought about it. Dora: I almost feel bad for him. He's running out of targets to pester. Hannelore: I think Faye tolerates it more as a courtesy these days. Number 3543: On Everyone's Mind Winslow: I didn't know pigeons liked habanero nachos. May: Normal ones don't. These are my special spicy buddies, and one day they'll conquer the rest of their idiot species. Number 3551: Lunch Break Renee: I wish I believed in Jesus so he could see how hard I'm trying to be good right now. Number 3563: One Set Of Footprints Faye: Man, I'm jealous of y'all not havin' pinky toes. I'm constantly stubbin' mine on shit. Number 3567: Admit De-Feet Roko: I never would've guessed Bubbles was the brains of this operation. Faye: She's also the brawn. I'm just the sparkling personality. Bubbles: It is true. I do not sparkle. Number 3569: Just Add Glitter Roko: It's good to see you two going legit. You have a lot of potential. Faye: Don't jinx it. We're one missed rent payment away from bank robbery. Roko: Oh please. If you wanna make money in crime, there are a million better ways than bank robbwhy am I telling you this Number 3573: A Solid "Chthuk" May [to Winslow]: I SAID I DON'T DO HUGS YOU COTTON-CANDY LOOKIN' ASS MOTHERFUCKER Number 3581: Carnival Treats Bubbles: I do not feel deprived. I have a view of the world that is in some ways superior. My hearing is far more acute. My olfactory sensors are an order of magnitude more sensitive. I can see colors a human never could. Faye: Oh yeah? What do I look like to you? Bubbles: You are beautiful. Number 3587: Of Course She Uses Celsius Sam: My school lets us take days off whenever we want, as long as it's for "personal development and life experiences." Faye: That's the most Pioneer Fuckin' Valley thing I've ever heard. Number 3591: Sam Of Thrones Faye: You should get your dad's permission before you start a robot tattoo business. Sam: They're not tattoos, they're sprays. Learn the terminology. Number 3599: Heckin' Skullchicken Numbers 3600–3699 Bubbles: Why are you smirking? Have I made a fool of myself already? Faye: I'm smiling because you're opening up. Don't you shut down on me now or I'll- dangit my usual threats of violence won't work... Or I'll be very disappointed in you. Bubbles: It is an effective threat. Number 3667: So It's Come To This Faye: Well, if you ever want a wing-lady, I'm your girl. Bubbles: That turn of phrase concerns me. If your love life requires close air support, something has gone very wrong. Number 3670: Questionable Contentment Faye: Imagine if we came home one night and everybody was, like, quietly reading. Bubbles: I would find it suspicious. Number 3672: Feels Like We've Been Hair Before [The following takes place inside Marigold's imagination.] Dale: Hey baby. Ready for another long, hard workday with me? Emily: Oh yes, I'm very ready. I'm ready to use my body to work with you. Dale: Let's make some lattes. With my dick. Emily: I want to do sex with you on top of the coffee grinder. While it's running. Number 3679: Hold On Loosely Dale: But Google said honesty was good in a relationship! Number 3681: Let's Be Fair May: Shitting balls, people should hafta take a fuckin' class before they're allowed to date. Dale: If they offered one I would have taken it!Number 3682: Lovers' Ed May: You don't have to be a fuckin' genius to choose your fuckin' words carefully when your girl is askin' if your fuckin' coworker is fuckin' hotter than her! Fuck! Number 3683: By Court Order Momo: Dale cares for you very much! Marigold: But hypothetically, if you lined up me and Emily in front of him and said "pick one", he'd have picked Emily. Momo: In the same hypothetical universe, if you had the choice between Dale and a pilotable Gundam, you would have chosen the Gundam. Marigold: NO I WOUL- okay yes I would have Number 3684: It's Motherfucking Sniffle Time [This conversation takes place over WiFi.] Momo: May I come over to your place for awhile? May: If you wanna. Why? Momo: Based on their lovemaking pattern for the last few hours, I calculate that Dale and Marigold's latest refractory period is about to end, and I would very much like to be elsewhere. Number 3689: Friends Being Friends Pintsize: The worst part is she said I'm only her SECOND-worst date! I don't even have THAT! Number 3694: Beucephalus Rides Again Roko: I can't help it if I'm wired to want a little companionship. O'Malley: You want companionship, you get a cat. What you want is a oiled-up little fuck-weirdo to rub breakfast foods on your-- Roko: Aye sweah tah goahd you bettah noaht finish thaht sentence, O'MalleyNumber 3695: Buddy Cops Clinton: What do I have to do to get you to stop apologizing? Elliot: It's an autonomic process, so I guess replace my brain stem. Number 3698: Just Like Breathing Numbers 3700–3799 Brun: When people say "don't worry about it", they really mean "I don't want to explain it to you." Number 3707: A Stopped Clock Clinton: I want you to live your best life. But no more baking while baked, okay? That's how house fires start. Aurelia: Have you ever thought about the concept of a house? We build these big wooden boxes and then we live in them. In the middle ages, people would bring their livestock indoors at night to make use of their body heat. I should adopt many dogs. Clinton: I'm not drunk enough for this. Or sober enough. Number 3714: Sound Advice Aurelia: Oh no! Were you hoping to "hook up" with her tonight? Did I "cock block" you? Clinton: Oh my god I can hear the quotation marks Number 3716: Parents Just Don't Understand Clinton: My mom gets 2am booty calls. My mom is cooler than me. Aurelia: Dick picks, too. Number 3718: Clinton's Mom Knows How To Party Claire: What!!! I wanna get high with mom! Actually, no I don't. The one time I smoked pot it gave me a panic attack. Number 3719: Cooler Parties Faye: Did I tell ya that lil' weirdo Melon brought in a vibrator the other day? She thought it was a busted robot dick. Bubbles: Were you able to repair it? Faye: Yeah, I bolted on some handlebars and that old Chevy engine we found out back. Bubbles: That is almost certainly not street-legal. Faye: God, you're fuckin' funny when you wanna be. Number 3721: 2 Fast 2 Furious Claire: I didn't know you were studying ornithology. Emily: I'm not, I just got bored and wandered into a random class in the biology building. Claire: Ah, that's much more on-brand for you. Number 3726: Not All Who Wander Are Lost Hannelore: Marigold! Hello! Can I call you back in a few minutes? I'm almost done brushing Mr. Snuffles. He's some sort of yak, I think. No, you have good timing. It's my turn to shovel out the latrine later and I'll be too hoarse from screaming to talk afterward. Number 3730: A Big Dog Marten: Don't take this the wrong way, but I've seen how you and Bubbles are around each other. I've basically been waiting for it to come up. Number 3737: But You THOUGHT It Marten: Can I offer one piece of advice? Faye: Yeah, sure. Marten: Fuckin' go for it, buddy. Number 3738: The Right Thing At The Right Time Dora: Okay sweetie, don't panic. Take a seat and I'll make you some tea. Dora [on the phone]: Hey babe- code 3. Yeah. Bubbles is here at the shop. Cool. See you soon. Bubbles: You have an operational code for this situation? Dora: No offense hon, but the writing's been on the wall for awhile. In neon paint. Sixty feet high. Number 3740: Mobilization Of Forces Tai: My ship is coming inDora: Don't count your sailors before they've disembarked, hon. Number 3743: Act Natural Faye: Also, you're super fuckin' hot, and it feels so good to be able to say that now. Bubbles: At the risk of sounding crass, I would cause widespread property damage for that booty. Number 3751: Out In The Open Faye: Now I know Marty and Dora will be chill about this, but everybody else... there's a non-zero chance there'll be screaming and confetti. Bubbles: I shall hope against it. [At Coffee of Doom] Claire: You go home without me. If they're together, text me so I can get all my screaming done before I see them. Tai: Aw dang, the party supply store is closed. Where am I s'posed to get confetti? Number 3754: Maybe A Bounce-House Pintsize: YOU DOPES DONE FUCKIN' YET OR WHAT Marten: Welp, RIP buddy. Bubbles: Ah. Performative hazing. I am familiar with this tactic. By purposefully acting in an offensive manner, you hope to mitigate your own discomfort with the situation, and insulate yourself from any repercussions by claiming it is done in jest. Such behavior indicates a deep-seated anxiety about the present situation, a fear of the kind of intimacy on display. A belief that you are unworthy of such intimacy yourself. Are you truly so devoid of self-esteem that you must resort to such immature distancing behavior? I pity you, and I pity the fact that my expression of pity will only reinforce the self-loathing you pretend you do not feel- Pintsize: please make her stop Faye: Holy shit Number 3763: Psyops Clinton: I know that face. That's your "screaming internally" face. Number 3773: Hmmmmmm Brun: I'm confused. How did we go from talking about jobs to self-mutilation? Number 3777: Wave Of Mutilation Elliot: Are you telling me the only thing keeping AIs from exterminating us is good janitorial service? Clinton: Well, not the only thing. They also like some of our sitcoms. Number 3778: Come With Me If You Want To Live Brun: Do you need someone to kill your father? I know how to make it look like a harpoon accident. Number 3782: Brun Means Well Clinton: I can't even have a simple conversation about raisins without showing my entire privileged upper-middle-class ass. Nice. Love it. Brun: That's sarcasm. I'm getting the hang of you. Number 3783: Go Get The Stapler Bubbles: I can disassemble a nuclear warhead with a pair of scissors. Cutting my own hair is trivial. Faye: Uh, did you ever have to actually do that? Bubbles: In an operational environment, no. As a party trick, twice. Number 3797: It's Like A Keg Stand Faye: You gave me permanent sex hairNumber 3798: She's Just That Good Faye: Try to remember us little people when you're doing diamond-encrusted sprays on your yacht in the Mediterranean. Bubbles: And contact us if your radar array needs repairs, or if you would like to install a deck gun. Number 3799: It's Just A Dog With Wings Numbers 3800–3899 Samantha: I don't know what that is but I wanna learn how to use itFaye: That's a concrete saw, and I'm still not clear on how you use one to do robot repairs. Bubbles: In the hands of a skilled operator, it is truly the Swiss army knife of power tools. Number 3800: Like A Chef With A Cleaver Bubbles: There is no need for self-flagellation. Sam suffered no permanent harm, our relationship with her remains intact, and we have all learned useful lessons today. Faye: What lesson did you learn? Bubbles: Children are easily manipulated. Faye: Oh, Good.Number 3808: After-Work Special Claire: You're willing to sell your blood, but the thought of opening a spreadsheet fills you with dread. Marten: I'd donate a kidney if it meant I never had to look at an Excel file for the rest of my life. Pintsize: I CAN FACILITATE THAT Number 3821: Organs.csv Momo: Imagine one of your human friends spent time in prison, and when they were released, you said "I read a book about prison, so I understand what you have been through." Marigold: Would that be... bad? Momo: If your friend were the forbearing sort, they might point out that knowledge and experience are two different things. If they were like May, they might throw the book at your head. It turns out I am bad at dodging books. Number 3829: Just Imagine Dale: I'll be under the counter until you're done antagonizing a cop.Number 3831: What The Hell May May: Look, it sucks you're having an existential crisis or something, but don't quit your job just 'cause I fuckin' hate cops. I mean, actually do quit your job just 'cause I hate cops, that'd be hilarious. But whatever. Roko: Heh. You know what? Screw it. I'll be a... a social worker, or sell yarn, or something. Something that makes me feel good. Thank you, May. [Beat panel.] May: What the fuck just happenedNumber 3833: Self Actualization May: Dammit Basilisk, this is a real apology, not a "please don't tell my parole officer" apology. Roko: Even if I wanted to report you, "May was so mean to me I considered quitting my job" would get me laughed out of the building. May: Argh that would be amazing bragging rights, why did I decide to do the right thing Number 3835: Noble Sacrifice Roko: You can call me Roko, if you want. May: May. Although I also answer to "hey fucker" and "god damn it". Roko: Your friends call you that? Number 3839: Informal Terms May: I'd settle for this body but with bigger tits. Roko: You wanted to be a fighter jet, but now you're concerned about your bust size? May: If I can't have a bomb rack I should at least have a bomb rack, know what I'm sayin'? Number 3840: Payload Faye: Welp, only one thing we can do, then. Bubbles: Advertise? Faye: I was gonna say 'have sex right here and now to distract ourselves from work stress,' but if you'd rather buy some Google ads... Bubbles: Suddenly I find my priorities have shifted. Number 3856: Header Bldding Clinton: I-- I mean, my exams are obviously lower-stakes than yours. If I had my whole future riding on them like you do, I'm sure I'd be freaking out too. Claire: Pintsize taught me that I need to be more willing to talk about this stuff so let me just say that you are not helping, you dickbat.Number 3861: Flappy Bois Claire: You go first. Show me how it's done. Aurelia: I'm going to wait until I know you're having a nice time. I'm your mother first, your tetrahydrocannabinol tour guide second. Tai: Put on your safari hat, kid, 'cuz I'm taking you upriver.Number 3869: Colonel Kurtz Claire: MY MOTHER HAS DOG SUMMONING POWERS Aurelia: THE COSMOS HAS BESTOWED A GOOD BOY UPON US Number 3878: Henlo Tai [on the phone with Dora]: Hey babe. Claire and her mom got way too stoned and a random borzoi wandered into the house and we need an adult. Yeah that's pretty much how I expected today to go too. Number 3879: Pointy Boi Roko: It's funny, I was actually sitting here in that big chair, feeling sorry for myself, when May - you know May, right? Anyway, she started talking back to me. Said I should just quit if I feel like I suck at my job. And it was like someone opened a skylight in my mind. Suddenly there was light again. Anyway, May apologized for mouthing off, and I took that to mean she was worried I'd fuck her over, and it was just like... shit. I work with cops who absolutely would've retaliated for her speaking her mind. That was the last straw. I quit the second I got back to the station. Bubbles: Let us rewind a little. You were sitting in my chair? Roko: I didn't think the sign was a law!Number 3890: No Parking Bubbles: Speaking of who and where I am today, Faye is my girlfriend now. We are a couple. [Beat panel.] Roko: Sorry, sorry. I'm happy for you, but I had you classified as a big scary hardass and all of a sudden you're a huge squishy teddy bear, and it's taking me a minute. Bubbles: I take offense to that. I am not squishy. Number 3891: Shared Aroma Bubbles: I am calling the police on this conversation.Number 3894: Oobleck Dora: Just manhandling each other in my shop, huh? This is what we do, now? Bubbles: This is, apparently, what we do now. Number 3895: Tomfoolery Numbers 3900–3999 Lemon: You've had a slight accident, and I'm here to help you. Roko: Oh no. No no no no. My body, please tell me my body is - Lemon: Let's approach the subject of your body obliquely, okay? For instance, it says in your file that you're a bread enthusiast. How do you feel about pancakes? Or, um, crepes? Number 3906: Family Citrus Lemon: It was an accident, and Crushbot has been forthright, contrite, and cooperative. Crushbot also has a very robust insurance policy, probably because Crushbot's name and occupation are "Crushbot". Number 3907: Socially Radioactive Lemon: You stepped onto the sidewalk just as Crushbot slipped on a misdelivered crate of bananas. Crushbot fell on you. Crushbot weighs several tons. Bubbles was able to lift Crushbot off of you, but the damage had already been done. I'm very sorry to tell you, but your body is completely unrecoverable. Number 3908: Wiggle Room Lemon: You know, Melon came here as soon as she heard. She's refused to leave your side ever since. Roko: What, sitting in a friggin' server room? Lemon: Yes. She's singing to you, too. "For comfort," she says. Apparently the only song she knows is "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star." She has sung it 1257 times in a row now. Number 3909: Up Above The World So High Faye: Should we get her, like, a gift or something? What says "I'm sorry your entire body got crushed?" Bubbles: Probably not a fruit basket, considering the cause of the accident. Crushbot: CRUSHBOT WOULD ALSO LIKE TO EXTEND CRUSHBOT'S SINCERE CONDOLENCES Faye: You shut up. Nobody likes you right now and you're just gonna have to deal with that. Number 3915: Maybe A Balloon? Renee: You know, if you found a new apartment, you wouldn't have to beg me for laundry privileges. Brun: It's okay. I don't mind begging. You always say yes. Number 3938: Hundred Yard Dash Renee: A fool and his money are soon parted. Even sooner, if he's willing to ignore traffic laws. Number 3941: Time Is Money Brun: I have three thousand dollars in my bra and I have to get to the bank as soon as possible. Clinton: Wow, nice euphemism. I feel you though, I prefer to poop at home too. Number 3943: Making A Deposit Brun: The first time someone called me autistic, I didn't even know the word. I didn't understand it was meant to be an insult until I asked my dad and I saw how upset it made him. A while after that the doctor said that yes, I was autistic. They said it's fine, it just meant my brain worked differently than most people. But in my head it meant that I was this word that people used as an insult. That's when I stopped liking doctors. Number 3945: That's Kevin Claire: You're really here, right? This isn't a hypothetical conversation I'm imagining while I eat my carrot sticks? Tai: I'm real, and you're eating an apple. Claire: Oh, you're right. I thought these carrot sticks tasted funny. Number 3977: The Clock Is Ticking Tai: We've never talked about what'd happen if I got some crazy good job offer somewhere else. Dora: Simple. I'd sell the shop and move with you. Tai: Oh, sure, like you'd - wait, what? Seriously? Dora: It's just a business. I can rebuild it. Love is more important. Tai [down on one knee]: I... I... I don't have a ring, but... Dora, will you - Dora: oh my god Number 3979: Will She? Faye: Are you okay? Your boss just proposed to your ex in front of you. Marten: Oh, that, whatever. I'm more worried about the whole "what if Claire gets a job somewhere else" thing. Faye: I will never understand how your brain works. Number 3980: He Came To The Right Place Claire: My dream would be to find something around here, or close enough that I could commute. But if I'm smart, I'll apply to every position I'm qualified for. So there's a possibility that I'll get offered a job in, like, Fucksburg, Montana. Then I'd have to decide if I was willing to move. And... and I guess we'd have to have a serious conversation about whether you wanted to come with me. Marten: Okay, at the risk of derailing this conversation, I would totally move to a town called Fucksburg. Number 3984: He Was A Good Man Claire: Maybe they're shopping for wedding outfits! Or visiting potential venues! Faye: Or Dora said no and they're having an apocalyptic relationship meltdown. Claire: I spent all day taking exams and just had a scary conversation with my boyfriend LET ME HAVE THIS GOD DAMN IT Marten: They're definitely picking out wedding outfits, right Faye? Faye: Okay! Okay! Jeez! Number 3986: Let Her Have It Dora [as she and Tai show off their rings]: We're engaged! Number 3989: These Assholes Sven: I know you don't listen to country, but "My Pickup Truck's My Therapist" is doing huge numbers on Spotif - Faye: Ugh god I'm sorry I asked Number 3995: Vroom Vroom Sven [saluting]: Ma'am, I just wanted to say thank you for your service. Bubbles: I appreciate the sentiment, but my time as a soldier was not - Sven: I meant dating Faye. Bubbles: Oh. Yes. It has been a... pleasant deployment. Number 3996: Call of Duty Numbers 4000–4099 Faye: I couldn't even make it an hour without wanting a drink. Pathetic. Bubbles: You wanted one, but you did not break down. That is not pathetic, that is a victory. Faye: Pretty shitty victory, if you ask me. Bubbles: You accomplished your mission and made a tactical retreat before the situation got out of hand. If I were your commanding officer, I would be - Faye: You can be my commandin' officer, if you want. [Bubbles' coolant vents, signifying extreme arousal.] Bubbles: V-very well. Let us go home, and I will... debrief you. Faye: I'm not wearin' briefs. Number 4001: First Contact May: You realize it's possible to bang someone without makin' a fuckin' car crash out of the situation, right? Sven: Listen, that only happened one time, and the only casualty was someone's mailbox. Number 4005: Road Hazard May: Fuckin' humans, I swear. You either don't think or you think too much. I don't know how you idiots survived a fuckin' ice age. Number 4006: Cold Out There May: My shift's up in an hour if you wanna get your dick laughed at! Sven: Cool, I'll be back with a clown nose on it! Passerby: I told you this town was weird. Number 4007: But Doctor, I Am Pagliacci May: For the record, this was fun and all but I just did it for the laughs, capice? Don't make it weird. Sven: Oh, so I shouldn't get your name tattooed on my dick? May: Go for it. I'm cool with you bein' marked as my conquest. Sven: Only if you get a matching laser-engraving of my name on your ass. May: Dream on. I'm savin' that real estate for a Lockheed-Martin sponsorship. Number 4011: Endorsement Deal Dale: You're a terrible liar, but I'm not gonna pry. Please text me next time so I don't worry. May: Actually I'm a great liar, you're just extremely perceptive, and now I'm complimenting you which wasn't what I intended when I started talking so I'm gonna shut up now. Number 4012: The Truth Will Out Bubbles: Hello, Momo. Is something the matter? Momo: I got upset with a friend and then realized it was unreasonable to be upset and that just made me more upset so if you could please pop my head off and kick it into the sewer I would be greatly appreciative. Number 4019: Grumbling May: This's your new boss? Roko: She means well. May: Just to be clear, I'm putting my ass in your hands, not hers. Roko: I'm not sure she'd be able to find it with both hands anyway. Number 4027: Error; Not Found May [re: Beepatrice]: I thought you said she was your boss. Roko: Oh, did you want your case handled in an endearingly incompetent fashion? Because we can turn around-- May: I said no such thing. Number 4028: Starring Tony Danza Roko: You're a horrible little goblin, but horrible little goblins need friends too. May: I jacked off a dude with a watermelon last night. Number 4032: Friend To The Lowly Momo: You're being very reasonable. Did you meet up with Sven for further carnal activity? Is this calm due to a post-coital refractory period? May: Always knew you were a horny little weirdo underneath the goody-two-shoes act. Number 4034: We All Knew Spookybot: We have just been offered a children's hospital wing named after us. How cute! Pity we don't have a name. Number 4037: Whatever It Takes Roko: What is wrong with you?! Spookybot: Pardon? Roko: I spent all day trying to make one person's life a little better and I don't even know if it's gonna work, but at least I feel good for trying. Then you waltz in and give away a billion dollars-- which you probably stole in the first place-- because you think it's funny? And you expect me to be happy? Happy that the absolute best I can do is nothing compared to what a rich person can do if the fucking mood strikes them? [Beat panel.] Spookybot: Actually, it was two billion dollars-- Roko: AAAAAAA Number 4038: Accurate Accounting Roko: Wanna meet my pal Melon? Spookybot: Are they the face we see peering at us through the hole in your ceiling? Melon: That's me! The hole was a lava accident! Number 4041: Some Theories Confirmed Marten: What happens if [Cosmo's] original owners show up like "sorry it took us so long, can we have her back?" Aurelia: Legally, I'm her owner now. And I keep two baseball bats in the closet. Marten: Why two baseball bats? Aurelia: In case they didn't bring one. It has to be a fair fight. Number 4046: The Good Girl Is Back, Baby Hannelore: Hellooooo! Dora: Oh my god, Hannelore? Are you back?! Hannelore: Yes! [Hannelore hugs Dora.] Dora [pulling out her kris dagger]: Wait a minute. The real Hannelore would never have hugged me hello. Hannelore: It's really me! I promise! I've just made some personal breakthroughs! Number 4047: She's Baaaaaack Hannelore: Um... sorry for bringing it up right away, but... is my position here at the shop still open? Dora: Oh yeah, of course! I had some people ask about jobs while you were away, but they were all fucked-up twentysomethings. Hannelore: I'm a fucked-up twentysomething. All your friends are fucked-up twentysomethings. Dora: Exactly. I'm full up. Number 4049: We All Were, Once Winslow: I've been all around the world and this is still the weirdest town I've ever seen. Faye: Right? Number 4064: Faye Speaks Fairy I Guess? May: Ain't my place to tell you what to do. Winslow: Really? Because you've told me to go fuck myself on multiple occasions. May: I was bein' metaphorical, but if you actually tried I wanna hear all about it. Number 4068: You Do You Winslow [re: Roko]: She's an angel... May: Good lord. Stick you in a humanoid body and you fall in love with the first cute robot you see. Winslow: You did unspeakable things to a human man using a watermelon. You have no right to judge. May: Only after a lifetime of hating people. I'm discerning in my perversion. Number 4073: Don't Kinkshame Sam: My dad wants me to get a job this summer and I was hoping I could work here. Faye: I mean, you're already doing sprays here. Doesn't that count? Sam: Dad says "drawing skulls on robots isn't going to look good on a resume." Faye: Well, he's wrong. That would look extremely radical on a resume. Sam: THAT'S WHAT I SAID Number 4076: Fayenabler Sam: What are we doing today? Replacing someone's head? Fixing a smashed-up leg? Will you show me how to use the concrete saw? Bubbles: Even better. I have a special tool, specifically for you. Sam: OMG Bubbles: This... is a broom. You will be using it... to sweep. Sam: Aw. Faye: I saw that comin' from a mile away but it was still so satisfying. Number 4078: Down And Dirty Jim: Faye's asking me if I'm comfortable with Sam watching a robot get butt implants. Veronica: She's going to have one hell of a "what I did on my summer vacation" presentation. Number 4081: I Like Ro Bots Hannelore: Are you sure it was a good idea to give caffeine to an already-excitable child? Dora [with glowing red eyes]: This is my revenge for the time Faye gave an entire Girl Scout troop espresso. Number 4083: Dora Does Not Forget Claire: I'm not saying I'd do it. But... I can see the appeal. Like, to me they're just my feet. But if someone else thinks they're super hot, it wouldn't bother me to indulge them. Marten: My main concern is that I wouldn't want internet weirdos saying messed-up shit about you. Claire: Ugh, yeah. Number 4093: Feeet May: Get outta here with that emotional vulnerability shit. I'm only in this for the hipfucking. Sven: Yeah, well, your hip was okay. I guess. Number 4097: Hip Hip Hooray Dora: A successful song is a good song, if that was your intent when you wrote it. Sven: I'll keep that in mind when I get my next royalty check for "Did My Wife Leave Me Or Is She Wearin' Realtree". Dora: Ugh. Sven: The implication is that everything they own is camouflage pattern and she might just be sitting very still. Dora: Uggggh Number 4099: Blending Right In Numbers 4100–4199 Dora: Have you ever tried writing something good? Sven: Yeah, once. I was so sure it'd be one of those "hack artist releases passion project that becomes a cult classic" situations. Dora: Really? You never told me about this. Sven: Everybody who heard it hated it. My agent actually burned her copy in a ritual fire. Dora: Wow, harsh. Sven: The fire got out of control and burned down her barn. She said it was still worth it. Number 4100: The Hot 100 Dora: I think you couldn't handle getting a negative response to something you actually cared about. You can't deal with being vulnerable! Sven: Every time I've ever let myself be vulnerable, it's come back to bite me in the ass. Like this conversation. Number 4101: IOU Hannelore [on the phone]: Hello, Faye? Hannelore. Winslow says he was licked by a reindeer and saw an invisible emu and I think he's hallucinating. Can I bring him in? You believe him? You need to get outside your shop right this second, there must be a carbon monoxide leak. I'm calling the fire department. Winslow: We are not involving the fire department in this Number 4103: Let's Not Be Hasty Faye: He's fine, Hanners. All that stuff actually happened. Hannelore: Oh, thank goodness. I forgot how strange this town can be sometimes. Number 4104: Untitled Emu Comic Roko: That's not my hand. That's not my hand, that's someone else's hand. Yay: Oh dear. Melon, unless the rules of this game can incorporate dissociative episodes, we must put it on hold. Number 4110: A Game Of Skill Melon: Could you fix Roko so this doesn't happen to her anymore? Yay: We could, and that is another can of worms entirely. Melon: You shouldn't put worms inside AI cores. They get all crispy. Yay: Duly noted. Number 4111: Speaking From Experience Ghost of Roko's Old Body: Scuse me, we're kinda busy here Ghost of Roko's New Body: Goddamnit, did we get double-booked? This is ridiculous. Roko: This is ridiculous. Number 4114: Positively Boschian Roko: Good lord, I can't even have a dream without getting into an argument with myself. Number 4116: Deep Dream Roko: I'm not saying I want to utterly destroy him, I just need to have that option available. Number 4119: March Of The Pigs Beepatrice: I think your past experience as a police officer is... coloring your approach. Roko: Oh what, like being an agent of the state conditioned me to treat any potential conflict as a cops versus robbers situation instead of two adults trying to come to an agreement, and I'm deflecting my anxiety over this meeting by regressing to that mindset? [Beat panel.] Roko: Well shit. I thought I was being sarcastic. Beepatrice: You get the Big Realizer Of The Month award! I'll fetch your commemorative plaque. Number 4120: BROTM Faye: So we cross our fingers and hope for more invisible emu rampages. Bubbles: I would rather hope for customers seeking voluntary physical modification. Faye: We should put a sign on the sidewalk. "Want a bigger ass? A smaller ass? Second ass on top of your first ass? A secret, third buttcheek? We gotchu." Bubbles: I take it back. Bring on the grotesque injuries. Number 4122: Union Rubuttics Willow [re: Iris's spray]: But if it's gonna rub off eventually, what's the point? Iris: I don't need lessons on impermanence from someone made entirely of biodegradable matter. Number 4124: Follow The Trend May: It's great you're having a heartwarming moment or whatever but could you hurry it up? Some of us still don't have a leg attached. Number 4130: A Soft Touch Faye: Does every AI in this friggin' town have a cutesy name? Bubbles: I do not find "Crushbot" or "Gyarados Skullfucker" to be particularly cutesy. Sam: Wait, you know Miss Skullbleeper? She's my English teacher! Number 4135: Daughter Of Magikarp Jim: Now Faye wants to know if I'm comfortable with Sam working on butt implants for an anatomically correct AI. Veronica: Don't say "anatomically correct", dear. It's insensitive. Say "human standard". Number 4140: Vitruvian Robot Bubbles: What happened? Faye: Sam just clipped her finger to Millie's butt-polymer. Bubbles: Oh dear, those are permanent clips. I will fetch the bolt-cutters and a torch to cauterize the stump. Sam: Aw man, my dad is gonna be so mad at me Faye: Relax, kiddo. I'm like 85% sure she's jokin'. Number 4142: Medical Drama Millefeuille: WHADDAYA TOASTING, I GOT A NEW ASS TODAY, LET'S TOAST MY NEW ASS Jones: I'm so sorry. She engaged Drunk Mode and I can't convince her to turn it off. Number 4152: Roasty Toasty Steve: Our boy here has finally decided to do something with his life. Dora: About friggin' time! Did Claire put you up to this? Marten: She may have given me a little push. Dora: God, she is so perfect for you. I should send her a gift basket. Steve: I WAS JUST ORDERING ONE FOR HER Number 4155: Smorgasbord Claire: I have no idea what they're getting up to, but if it results in more gift baskets I have no complaints. Number 4157: Pair Bonding Tai: Sorry if this is a dumb question, but can't you just turn off the drunk-program when it's time to sober up? Millefeuille: Yes, but I have to want to turn it off. Dora: Like the other night when I stopped you from taking that fifth bong hit and you got cranky at me. Tai: Sometimes I just want to go to space. Number 4162: Ground Control To Major Tai Dora: It's not every day you wake up to find a stranger passed out on your floor and they turn out to be a new friend. Tai: I dunno, that's pretty much how I made all my friends in college. Number 4171: Parting So Soon Bubbles: Forgive me if this is insensitive, but reading your body's documentation might prevent unpleasant surprises of this nature from occurring. Roko: No, you're right. I should really read my freakin' manual. Faye: Wish my body came with a manual. All I got was a super awkward conversation with my mom when I was ten. Number 4177: Ugh, It's A PDF Roko: You're the little orphan kid, and I'm gonna box the robber baron's meathead son for the rights to the orphanage. May: It'd be easier to marry the meathead son, poison 'em both, and inherit everything. Just sayin'. Number 4180: Criminal Minds Melon: I could never live in a recharging pod. There's not enough room to make terrible mistakes. Number 4183: Welcome To The Neighborhood May: Jesus christ, there's "naive", and then there's "Hansel and Gretel getting into the oven of their own free will", and then y'all are on the far side of that. Number 4190: Pissballs 2020 Numbers 4200–4299 Winslow: I was wondering if you, uh, needed any more volunteers? Roko: Sure, lemme clear off a desk for you and get Arthur to do your orienta-- god damn it I forgot I'm not the boss here again, sorry Beeps Beepatrice: It's okay! Number 4200: Command And Control Elliot: Boy I sure am looking forward to more manual labor and less talking about high school! Number 4204: Do U Even Lift Bro Beepatrice: P-p-p-please don't fire me! I know I'm not very good at my job but I like it a lot and I try my best! Roko: I can't fire you, Beeps. I'm not your boss. Beepatrice [lying prostrate on the ground]: I hereby promote you to being my boss so I can beg you not to fire me! Number 4207: Upward Mobility Beepatrice: Well, I work part-time at an AI rights nonprofit, and the rest of the time I do, um, product testing. Millefeuille: Interesting! What kind of products? Beepatrice: Um... sex toys. Renee: Oh, nice! What's the best sex toy for a vagina-haver? I'm asking for a friend, who is me. Beepatrice: W-well it depends on a variety of factors - Millefeuille: I'm very curious about your methodology! Scientifically speaking! Brun: Do they ever catch fire and explode? Number 4214: Their Name Is Very Literal Elliot: Helloooo! I found a Clinton while I was - Beepatrice: INTRUDERS Millefeuille: BURGLARS Beepatrice: GET THEM Millefeuille: PROTECT OUR NEW HUMAN FRIENDS Brun and Renee: what Beepatrice: Oh dear. You're much too big to fight. Millefeuille: I guess this is how we die. Elliot [with Clinton hiding behind him]: I'm so confused Number 4215: Home Security Renee: Okay y'all, I'm glad you're having fun. Now pick a box and start unpacking! Elliot: You're shameless. Renee: I'm supervising. Number 4222: She Got Played Clinton: Truly we are like Prometheus, bringer of fire to humanity! Elliot: Or like Alexander Graham Bell, bringer of the lightbulb to later humanity! Clinton: He invented the telephone, not the lightbulb. Elliot: I definitely knew that, and was just testing you! Number 4227: Men Of Legend Clinton: There's that whole stereotype of jocks being dickheads, and some of them were, but nerds can be just as bad, if not worse. Like being smart is more important than being nice, or that knowing trivia is an acceptable substitute for a personality. Ugh. Number 4231: Anime Club Brun: Did I sleep on you all night? Millefeuille: You got up to use the bathroom at around four, but otherwise yes. Brun: Okay. We're supposed to go get brunch now. Millefeuille: We are? Brun: That's what Renee does when she sleeps with someone. Number 4237: It Is The Way Brun: You're a good person, Millefeuille. Millefeuille: I'm glad you think so, Brun. Brun: At first I thought it was because I drank a bunch of ouzo and you're comfy to sleep on, but the evidence continues to stack up. Millefeuille: It's so nice when a hypothesis holds up under further testing! Number 4240: Further Analysis Millefeuille: Does anything ever fluster you? Brun: An explosion probably would. Number 4245: Shoot Your Shot Brun: You're very pretty. Do you get people asking for your number? Millefeuille: Oh gosh, no. I wouldn't even know what to do if it happened. Brun: You can say no, unless you want to have a boring dinner with someone, in which case you can say yes. Millefeuille: Are those really the only two outcomes? Have romantic comedies been lying to me this whole time? Number 4246: Movies Are Fake Faye: If you like spendin' time with her, just keep doin' that. It'll sort itself out. Bubbles: I agree with Faye. Millefeuille: Is that how you two ended up together? Faye: Hahahaha! Oh lord no! Bubbles: Ours was a torrent of passion, repressed longing, and dramatic uncertainty. I have no regrets, but a walk in the park would have been a comparative walk in the park. Number 4250: Park For The Course Claire: Wait. We should have sex first. Marten: Huh? Claire: If I didn't pass, my libido is going to be dead for a thousand years. Marten: I'm 100% sure you did, but I'm also down for some insurance-doin'-it. Number 4253: Erotic Copay Claire: Oh, I don't need a celebration. I'm just relieved it's finally over. Marten: Fair enough. I'll tell Pintsize to decock the confetti cannon. Claire: Wait, does he really have a confetti cannon? Because now I kinda want one. Marten: I mean, probably. It might be full of condoms or something though. You know how it is with him. Number 4255 We Know How It Is Dora: So what do you wanna do? Pop some champagne, play some loud music? Claire: I was thinking we could turn the lights down, play some light jazz, and read our favorite poems to each other. [Beat panel where Tai and Dora give each other a look.] Claire: Just kidding. I wanna get blazed out of my mind, eat every muffin in this place, and yell about how much I love everyone. Tai: Whaddaya know, I left my poetry collection at home but I did bring a lil' baggy of that good herb. Number 4257: How To Party Faye: Clinton's been staring at us for like ten minutes and it's startin' to creep me out. Can I go punch him? Bubbles: I believe he is grappling with profound questions about the nature of the relationship between humans and AI. Two more minutes, and then you may go punch him. Number 4267: Questionable Contemplation Yay: Are all romantic relationships this fraught, or are you particularly stupid? Faye: Good friggin' question Yes To Both Yay: If you had met Bubbles while dating someone else, would you have dumped them in order to pursue her? Faye: I'd probably have sublimated any attraction I felt into being a sassy bitch - Wait, fuck, have I done that before? Have I always been bi?! Yay: The lengths to which people will go to avoid confronting the truth about themselves never fails to astound. Number 4274: Questionable Complication Bubbles: Emily partook of Tai's cannabis. The results were... predictable. Emily: And that's why the ancient aliens that early humans encountered were probably intelligent crabs from Enceladus. Tai and Claire: whoaaaa Marten: I must've gotten a bit of a contact high, because her theory almost makes sense to me. Number 4276: About What You'd Expect Faye: I'm sorry I bailed on you= before. Thinkin' about how you lost your memories, and you don't know if you had someone special back then... it got me all twisted up inside my head. Bubbles: Truth be told, I was having similar thoughts. Faye: Y- you were? Bubbles: It is another aspect of my past that is gone forever. It is sad, and it will always be sad. But if circumstances had not transpired the way they did, I would not be here now, with you. I would not trade that to recover what was lost, no matter how precious it may have been. Number 4278: Let's Talk It Out Faye: I think I know what you mean. If givin' up everything I have now would magically bring my dad back... I wouldn't do it. [Close-up on Faye's face, her eyes full of tears.] Faye [clutching Bubbles closely]: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dad, but it's true. Number 4279: Ah Faye: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Bubbles: It is all right. I am here. I will always be here. Faye: And it's okay? I'm not a monster? Bubbles: You are not a monster. Faye: I mean it. I wouldn't trade anything for this. I want to be with you forever. Bubbles: And I want to be with you forever. Faye: I love you, Bubbles. Bubbles: I love you too, Faye. [They kiss.] Number 4280: Let's Resolve This Faye: OH MY GOD I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE CAN WE PLEASE DROP THE FUCKIN' PRETENSE AND TALK ABOUT THIS LIKE ADULTS Bubbles: Faye, language - Mrs. Whitaker: FUCKIN' YES PLEASENumber 4284: Total Collapse Mrs. Whitaker: My point is, if people're livin' in different ways than they did when I was young, it's on me to accept that, long as they're happy and they ain't hurtin' no one. This's is a big surprise, but I'll get used to it, same as I did with your sister. All I want is for my girls to be safe and happy and livin' their best lives. That make sense? Faye: Yeah. Yeah, it does. Number 4286: Let Us Begin Faye: God, I'm still full of adrenaline. I'm not gonna be able to sleep. Bubbles [leaning in]: I know something we could do to take the edge off. [Cut to Faye eating a box of cookies.] Faye: Shit, wait, you meant sexBubbles: Whatever you need, my love. Number 4288: What To Do Marten: Is she... sleep-putting-together that theremin? Bubbles: Somnassembly required, apparently. Number 4296: No Manual Needed Roko: God it would feel good to go back to that body-assignment asshole and be like "I just did a fuckin' end-run around you, you damp-ass meatdick sudoku-fucking - Beepatrice: Roko, no! Don't give in to the dark side! Number 4299: Plans, Plans, Plans Numbers 4300–4399 Landon: See, this is the problem with money. You always need it, but sometimes you don't have any. It's a really poorly-designed system. Roko: It sounds so simple when you put it like that. Number 4301: There Has To Be A Better Way Beepatrice: Nelson, do we have a way to open PDFs? Nelson: Oh, sure. I keep the PDF reader in the supply closet, next to the abacus and Sanskrit-to-Ancient-Greek dictionary. Number 4304: File, Unfortunately, Found Bubbles: The right thing to do is get her a full replacement body as soon as possible. Roko: May, I know it's not your first choice, but it may be time to... do a donation drive or something. May: I wanna cry but I don't have any tear ducts. Number 4308: Coming To A Head Bubbles: May I share my opinion? May: Knock yourself out. Bubbles: One of the fundamental roles of a community is to care for its members, particularly when broader institutions have failed to do so. You are part of a good community. There is no shame in turning to it for support. May: 'Kay. Can I have twenty bucks? Bubbles: That is the spirit. Number 4310: GoFundBot Jeremy: I have made a contribution. And please tell Bubbles that should she ever want to step in the ring for some legally sanctioned robot martial arts, she is always welcome. Faye: Thanks bud, but she's a lover now, not a fighter. Ask me how I know. Number 4316: Thank You For Your Contribution Renee: I feel like a lotta robots are sort of... not sure how to be people, so they're making it up as they go. Elliot: I think that's true of most humans too. Number 4324: Polycular Catalysis Elliot: I love Renee but she has all the subtlety of the Kool Aid Man. Clinton: Yeah, I could totally see her busting through a wall like "ohh yeah! Who here likes fuckin' dudes?Number 4328: A Regular Sherlock Claire: If you can accept yourself for who you are... it doesn't automatically solve all your problems, but it's so freeing. Number 4334: Questions Answered Elliot: I think I need to take a sick day. If I try to bake in this state everyone will be able to taste the sadness. Renee: Buddy, if people could taste every time I've made bread in a bad mood, the health inspector would have shut us down ages ago. Number 4335: Tastes Like Hatred Roko: I want the biggest loaf of the crustiest bread you've got. I'm going to use it for sexual gratification, and I refuse to be ashamed of that. I SAID IT BUT STILL FEEL INTENSE SHAME, THAT ADVICE PODCAST LIED TO MERenee: I just listened to that episode! I should've guessed you were "DTF (the D Stands For Dough!)" Number 4337: Leavening Agent Renee: Y'all are doing good work. Roko: Thanks. It's really... fulfilling. Renee: Not as fulfilling as a fresh loaf of sourdough though, eh? Ehh? [Beat panel.] Renee: We're not at the "joking about your kink" level of familiarity yet, are we. Roko: I'm not at that level of familiarity with myself.Number 4338: Not There Yet Beepatrice: We have a surprise for you! May: I don't see any strippers. Must not be a very good surprise. Roko: Remind me why we agreed to help you, again? Beepatrice: She has a point. This would be more fun with some strippers. Number 4339: Looking For A Good Time Lemon: Hello, I'm Lemon! Licensed AI counselor, therapist, and motivational speaker. I'm here to assist you in the transfer from your old body to your new-- May: Yeah yeah that's cool can we get on with it? Lemon: Certainly! Do you have any questions or concerns regarding the process? May: Nope. Let's do it. Lemon: Now, you may feel strange or disoriented when you wake up in your new corpus mechanica, but that's perfectly-- May: Lemon. Sweetie. Honey. Baby darling. I know you're just tryin' to do your job, but if you don't hurry up and get me into my new body I'm gonna start screaming and never stop. Lemon: Oh, you're a challenging one! I like you! May: aaaaaAAAAAANumber 4345: Hi Lemon [May has just transferred into her new body.] May [looking down at her old body]: Wow. Seeing my old self from the outside... really gives you a new perspective... Lemon: It's a profound experience, isn't it. May [bonking her old body on top of the head with a closed fist]: Ahahaha NAHHH, fuck this shitty trash heap. I hope it gets recycled into a fuckin' bed pan.[May's old body's head falls off.] May: See what I mean? Lemon: Um [May's old body's neck stump catches on fire.] May: SEE WHAT I MEAN?Lemon: UMNumber 4348: The Fire Inside Momo: I don't know why I was expecting her to find a sense of propriety to go with her new body. Dale: You can take a goblin out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the goblin. Number 4349: They Decided Against The Hats [Roko is having a dissociative episode.] Beepatrice: Can you help Roko? She's not feeling well. Lemon: I know. Our creepy, invasive customer tracking software flagged her as being in distress. Beepatrice: O-okay. What should we do? Lemon: First of all, we need to get her away from the creepy, invasive customer tracking software. Number 4352: Class Reunion Faye: May? Damn girl, lookin'-- May: Outta the way, shortycakes! [May walks up to Bubbles, and checks with her hand, finding that she's just slightly shorter than her.] [We pull back to see that Bubbles is barefoot, and May is wearing flip-flops.] May: God damn it, I need some heels. What's my fuckin' shoe size now? Number 4353: Such Great Heights Brun: Why did everyone call him Shitty Dan, anyway? Renee: I think mostly to differentiate him from Cool Dan, who was actually an asshole. High school is a miserable place. Number 4358: The Metamorphosis Renee: I'm gonna message him. Brun: Ask if people still call him Shitty Dan. Renee: You don't message someone out of the blue to talk about their cruel high school nickname. This requires tact. Nuance.Brun: I see. Brun [over text message]: YO SHITTY DAN WTF WHEN DID U GET HOT LOL [Beat panel.] Brun: That's tactful and nuanced? Renee: MY BRAIN SLIPPEDNumber 4359: The Ballad Of Shitty Dan Claire: Buhhhh I'm so tired of writing cover letterrrs Marten: Want me to do some for you? Marten: "Dear esteemed future colleagues"Claire: Oh no Marten: "I am very smart. I know all of the books you can find in a library, and I know which of them are good and which are bad." Claire: Stop Marten: "I have never done library science while intoxicated, high on illegal drugs, or nude. But if that's what you're into, I'm not a cop." Claire: Please Marten: "I am excellent at dealing with unruly teens, bored children, moms looking for secretly horny books, and weird old men who smell like feet. I know the old men want a book about sailing ships, and I know the moms want a book about a contessa pegging the handsome scion of a rival family." Claire: WhyMarten: "In conclusion, by the time you finish reading this sentence, you will already have hired me. Thank you and congratulations." Claire: Actually, I might use that last one. That's a power move. Number 4361: Grossly Overqualified Renee: Yeah, I like working at the bakery. There's something satisfying about making tangible goods as your job. Dan: Not only tangible, but edible! If someone tried to eat a pipeline I designed, they'd be in for a bad time. Number 4369: Paranormality Dan: A cheap date it is, then! Renee: Oh, it's a date now? Dan: Haha! It doesn't have to be. Renee: Nah, you know what? Fuck it. It's a date. I'll even take a shower beforehand. Dan: Nice! Rolled a 20 on my charisma check. Renee: It's a good thing you're hot, nerd. Number 4370: Roll Playing Yay: We sometimes wonder if you would be better off leaving the whole "consciousness" thing to us and going back to your "climb tree, get fruit" roots. Number 4372: Yay, Hello Elliot: Friends? Yay: Friends. Yay: Does our newfound friendship include expanded Hercules visitation rights? Elliot: Haha, sure, you can come over anytime. Yay: Even when you are not home? Or asleep? Elliot: Ummm, I-- I guess I could give you my door code... Yay: That will not be necessary. Number 4375: Beyond The Threshold Elliot: I like the part of baseball where you drink beer and eat hotdogs. So basically a cookout, I guess. Number 4377: Worth Your Weight Clinton: Um, I was wondering if you found me... attractive. Brun: Hmm. Never really thought about it before. Do you find me attractive? Clinton: I mean, yeah, you're like, super hot. But if the feeling's not mutual, that's totally fine. Brun: Hmmmmm. I'm picturing us having sex and it isn't arousing at all. Clinton: Haha, okay. Guess that answers that! Brun: Not even a little bit arousing. Actually kind of surprised how non-arousing it is. Clinton: Okay, that answers thatNumber 4381: Popping The Question Clinton: Actually... are there any guys you are attracted to right now? Brun: Hmmm. Nobody comes to mind. Clinton: I see. Brun: Oh, I do enjoy masturbation, though. Have you ever done that? It's pretty fun. Clinton: I should really let you get back to workNumber 4382: Try This At Home Bubbles: Good morning, Claire. How goes the job application process? Claire: Actually, this one wants some personal references, can I put you down as one? Bubbles: Certainly. I would be happy to vouch for your character. Claire: Thanks! Bubbles: "Claire has many fine qualities. Dedication. Strength of conviction. Honesty. Open-mindedness. Eagerness to learn. A peerless grasp of the intricacies of library science." Claire: Um-- Bubbles: "People use the phrase 'I would take a bullet for this person' metaphorically, but in my case I would quite literally use my body to deflect anything from edged weapons, to small-arms fire, to anti-personnel artillery." Claire: That won't be-- Bubbles: "Then, I would launch a furious counterattack, destroying the opposing force in detail. After securing the AO, I would interrogate captured enemy units as to why they launched a major ground offensive against a library. Then I would begin entrenchment and fortification operations--" Claire: I really just need your contact info! Number 4394: Clever Reference Momo: You can achieve anything you set your mind to! The sky is the limit! May: Phrasing.Momo: Oh. Yes. A poor choice of idiom for someone who once misappropriated funds to become a combat aircraft. Number 4395: That's Marigold's Old Shirt Numbers 4800-4899 Burger Oni: Greetings, lowly Milkmaids! Cower in fear before the infernal majesty of Burger Oni! Mommymilkers: Hi, Burger Oni fans! I'm Mommymilkers and I'm just pleased as punch to meet you! Burger Oni: ah geez Mommymilkers: What's the matter? Burger Oni: You're so wholesome. I'm all "rargh blagh eat my butthole puny mortals" and you're like "hello I'm super nice and friendly!" Mommymilkers: It is a bit of a tonal mismatch. Should I try and sound more sinister? Burger Oni: No, no, it's fine - Mommymilkers: Rargh! Blagh! I'm Mommymilkers and I'm going to eat your butthole! [off Burger Oni's stunned silence]'' How was that? Too sinister? Number 4836: Birth of a Legend External links https://www.questionablecontent.net/ Questionable Content Category:Webcomics