Osmosis Jones

thumb|Ebola? Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby. Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me! Osmosis Jones is a 2001 live-action/animated film whose title character is Osmosis Jones, an anthropomorphic white blood cell police officer who teams up with a cold pill to protect his unhealthy human host from a deadly virus he unintentionally contracted. Directed by Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly, with Piet Kroon and Tom Sito directing the animation. Written by Marc Hyman. He's one cell of a guy.(taglines) Osmosis "Ozzy" Jones Next time, I'll be the bad cop. Money ain't gonna be your biggest problem if you don't tell me what you know about the sinuses. In the words of the immortal James Brown GET DOWN! Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here! You want Osmosis? You got Osmosis! That's Chill. He's a flu shot. Just as long as it doesn't hit 108 degrees, or Frank's daughter's an orphan. Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools. It's just the way I like it: Extra disgusting. Great, got me a college boy. Drixenol "Drix" Koldreliff Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedrimine. Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning - do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets. My, what big zits he has. How does this happen? That's my effervescent propulsion. OK, please, you're going to make me vomit! Virus con Dios! James who? I'd like to examine your irritated areas. Funny. He doesn't look fluish. Sir, he was a lethal virus. Thrax This here little D.N.A. bead comes from a little girl in Riverside, California, didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks. And this one, nice lady in Detroit, Motown, six days flat. And there's this old guy in Philly. I killed him in 72 hours. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record! Until my man Frank that is. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours! Get my own chapter in the medical books! [last words] Can you feel the heat, Jones? [chuckles] Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record when I take down Frank's pretty little girl. Hmmm. Sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on. Whew! This cat was sick before I even got here! They're making this too easy! Hahaha! You know, in all of the bodies I've been in no one has ever gotten wise to me and now, for the first time, an immunity cell has figured out everything and they don't believe him! Ebola? Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby. Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me! Careful. I'm contagious. Leah Estrogen Okay, Frank. This is your, um, conscience speaking. Now listen carefully. This hiking trip means the world to her. Figure out a way to make it work. Use that charm. Jones! Oh, thank Frank! Sir, he's got a point. When I came to work for you, you promised you would concentrate more on health issues. Come here, baby. I'm still Jonesin' for a little more Osmosis. You care more about your stupid re-election than you care about all our lives. Something's going on and I'm going to the hypothalamus to check it out. Mayor Charles Phlegmming There will be plenty of new jobs for everyone on the back. I propose something that every organism in this city will enjoy. I give you a dream vacation to the annual chicken wing festival in Buffalo, New York! Final plans have been made and nothing is going to stand in our way! See, I told you she'd be excited. Now, tidy up, will you? Here we go. We're probably just drinking some hot coffee. Can you believe those lies? Good evening, citizens of Frank. In the past few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words to try to confuse the issues. Words like "exercise," "low-fat," and "diet" - words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for so many years. Well, I say let's stay the course. Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank. Son, do me a favor and read what it says on your arm? Thank you, Leah. Now get me the chief on the phone. There's a good girl. Exactly! Temporary. You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo, a generic brand. Marked-down, over-the-counter, useless Tic-Tac! NOW, GET OUT OF MY BODY! Tom Colonic The bowels. Didn't always smell this way. No. There was a time when eating right and exercise kept this whole area a vital center of activity. But during Mayor Phlegmming's term, we've seen rot and stagnation paralyze this neighborhood as well as the colon and the sphincter. Well, I think it's time we get things moving again. I'm Tom Colonic. As Mayor, I would set long-term goals that include ordering salads and eating bran. Mayor Phlegmming may think that things are fine just the way they are. But I think that if we pull together and put in a little hard work, A new Frank could be right around the corner. Chief JONES! IN MY OFFICE! Get that thing to the hypothalamus now! We have a situation in the throat, and I'm putting you on it. Hey, Ozzy, can I count on you to keep Frank in shape? You know we've got that big insurance exam next month. Don't chiefy-weefy me! Have you seen the headlines? The papers are calling it the most powerful cramp since shane made us try that tae-bo workout! Frank DeTorre It's all shoveled out. And the hippo's asleep. I'm gonna take Shane to Docky's. [after almost dying, but returning to life; to Shane] Your momma says "hi". She'll be excited. She'll probably call you. Thank you, Uncle Bob. You're gonna love it! Oh, that's my daughter Shane. She won't buy me deodorant anymore. She says it causes cancer. I said I was gonna think about it. It's a holiday weekend. The important thing is that we're together, right? Please, we can't do that. She's been humiliated enough already. Shane DeTorre Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch? Let me take a look at that, Dad. Open wide. Open wide. Ahh. Yeah, I guess you're right. So, Dad, what's the big surprise? I'm going camping with my friends. You're welcome to join us. No! No, Dad, it's me, Shane. Bob DeTorre Well, use your imagination. Listen, why don't you sit her down and tell her that if anything ever happens to you, I will take care of her, okay? I will raise her, I will nurture her, I will love her, and then when she's 16, I'll boot her out the door. Hey, Shane, how about a hug for your Uncle Bob? [Shane walks out of the house] Okay, nice talking to you, too. [Frank burps] Hey, muscles! You don't look so good. Outta town? I'm not getting outta my bathrobe. I'm just gonna wheel a keg into the living room and plop myself down on the sofa in front of the TV. You know, spend a little quality time with the wife and kids. Um, sweetheart, have you ever seen a rattlesnake swallow a football? Mrs. Boyd Shirley. My daughter's name is Shirley. Frank, it's a pleasure to meet you. I am Mrs. Boyd. I am Shane's science and P.E. teacher. GET OUT! OUT! THE ANSWER IS NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! [laughing] Oh, my God. Ha-ha! That was so funny! Oh, my God, I've got the giggles. What a zit. I mean, what is it? What is it? What do you want? [last words] SHANE! Dialogue Osmosis Jones: Whoo-hoo! Next time, I'll be the bad cop. Drix: You are a bad cop. Osmosis Jones: Yo, who ya calling "bad cop"?! Drix: Attention, germs! You are surrounded! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, surrounded! Osmosis Jones: Yo, Hammer! You can stop dancing! Osmosis Jones: Goodbye, Drips. Drix: That's Drix. Osmosis Jones: Whatever. Osmosis Jones: In the words of the immortal James Brown: GET DOWN! Drix: James who?![deleted scene]Drix: The eye? What are we doing here? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict twelve hour time release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains. Osmosis Jones: Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Now, get your butt out of my car! Drix: Oh! I don't even have a butt. Officer, if I don't get to the sinuses, my entire relief mission could be jeopardized. Osmosis Jones: Yo, it's time we take a look at the big picture. See? The Big F. He's the one we're here to protect and serve. I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he make you want to be a better cell? Drix: [Drix sees Frank clean his tongue] Ew! I see why you feel such a strong connection. Osmosis Jones: Hey, watch it! Show the man some respect! He's the reason all of us are here. Drix: Take me to the nose! Osmosis Jones: Dude, just wait in the car. I got police work to do. Osmosis Jones: Baby, I always knew you and me were gonna hook up. I know this little spot right behind the eye, has the perfect view - perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I been sayin' it a long time. Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you? Osmosis Jones: Whatcha talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me. Leah: Oh, really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who most likely divides with himself. Leah: [on a recently ingested cold pill] Whoa, this is huge. Osmosis Jones: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar, ya know. Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid. Osmosis Jones: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before! Osmosis: So, where you from, tough stuff? Drix: I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule. Osmosis: Great, got me a college boy... Drix: Where did you study? Osmosis: Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools. Drix: Oh... Osmosis: I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central. Drix: Oh? Osmosis: No, it was in the crack. [Drix whimpers] Right in the stanky, puckered center. We were so poor, we lived off of peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart? Drix: OK, I get it. You were poor. Osmosis: You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor! Drix: OK, please, you're going to make me vomit! Osmosis: Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk. Drix: Excuse me while I wipe my eyes. Osmosis: Oh, you wanna talk about wiping? Drix: NO! Scabies: Did the Foot Fungus pay up yet? Joe Cramp: Nah. That guy's getting flaky on us. Scabies: Well, you ain't gonna collect nothin' from him up here in the pit! Now get down there, send him a message.[Thrax strolls into the sweat gland spa, humming]Thrax: So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester. Bruiser: Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat-gland. Now beat it! Thrax: I'm looking for volunteers, yo. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score. Scabies: Yo, Red, we run the rackets around here. Take your little hustle someplace else. Thrax: Oh, baby, this ain't about no hustle. This is about the baddest illness any of y'all have ever seen. Scabies: Look who thinks he's the ebola virus, huh? [he and his thugs laugh]Thrax: [angrily] ...Ebola? [shoves past Bruiser and Joe Cramp] Let me tell you about ebola, baby: ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me! Scabies: All right, pal, you're outta here. Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done with you, it'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths to get you out! Thrax: Hmm, sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on. Osmosis Jones: I bet Johnny Streptoccocus and the Melanoma family would be very interested to hear about your flu shot work. Chill: You can't jack me on that, brother! I'm in the Virus Protection Program. Drix: My, what big zits he has. How does something like this happen? Osmosis Jones: You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how. Thrax: And who are you? Osmosis Jones: Who am I? Who am I? Uh, Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis. Yeah! That's who I am! Thrax: I never heard of you. Osmosis Jones: That's cause you just got here. You ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illin', Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis stands above the rest. Dispatcher: [over radio] Suspect is headed toward the uvula - repeat, headed toward the uvula. Osmosis Jones: What the heck is a u-va-la? Drix: It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's-- Osmosis Jones: [interrupting] Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go! Drix: Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat![Pause]Osmosis Jones: I knew that. I knew that. Shane: I'm not going. Frank: You're not going where, hon? Shane: To Buffalo. I'm not going. Frank: Honey, I'm- we're all packed. Buffalo's gonna be a blast. Shane: I'm going camping with my friends. You're welcome to join us. Frank: Well, I don't think- Shane: I'd really like you to come. Frank: No. No, no. No, no, no, I- You don't want me huffing and puffing after you. If you want to go camping, Okay, I'll-- I know I can get uncle Bob to go with me in Buffalo. [lays down on couch] Shane: [frustrated] I'm tired of this! It's not fair! I go where you want to go, I eat what you want to eat. Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourself? Frank: I think about you all the time. Shane: Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch? Frank: Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim! Shane: You know, dad, maybe if you and mom listened to me a little more and took better care of yourselves, maybe she'd still be here. Frank: Will you knock off that hamburger talk? Come here, honey. Hey... [Shane sits next to him] your mom died... because she got sick. Shane: And how do you think you get sick? Frank: Germs. Shane: It's the way you eat. [Shane rolls her eyes and sighs frustratingly; leaves room]Taglines He's one cell of a guy. He's one cell of a guy and his partner's a real pill. Every body needs a hero. Cast Voices Chris Rock — Osmosis "Ozzy" Jones Laurence Fishburne — Thrax David Hyde Pierce — Drixenol "Drix" Koldreliff Brandy Norwood — Leah Estrogen William Shatner — Mayor Phlegmming Ron Howard — Tom Colonic Joel Silver — Chief (uncredited'') Kidney Rock Kid Rock Kenny Olson Jimmie "Bones" Trombly Joe C. Stefanie Eulinberg Jimmie Bones Uncle Kracker Additional Voices Jonathan Adams — Tom Joseph Ashton — Billy Carlos Alazraqui — Spanish Germ Keith Anthony — Barkeep Eddie Barth — Conducter Jeff Bennett — Handmouth Germ Sally Brooks — Brain Cell Rodger Bumpass — Announcer of Nerve News Network and Joe Cramp Michael Carven — Red Blood Cell Paul Christie — Dan Matter and Germ Janis Dardaris — Red Blood Cell Nurse Wendy Dillon — Singer Antonio Fargas — Chill Eddie Frierson — Police Officer at Frank Police Department Donald Fullilove — Doughnut Jackie Gonneau — Female Cell Shannon Gregory — White Blood Cell Rif Hutton — Charlie Richard Steven Horvitz — Dream Ticket Seller Art Kimbro — Red Blood Cell Joyce Kurtz — Brain Cell Anne Lockhart — Reporter Sherry Lynn — Trudy McCartney Danny Mann — Musician Cell Mickie McGowan — Libraian "Stuttering" John Melendez — Artie Héctor Mercado — Oyster Germ Paul Pape — Red Blood Cell Marilyn Pasekoff — Nun Red Blood Cell Chris Phillips — Doug Lynne Redding — Drummer Al Rodrigo — the Frank Police Department walkie-talkie Herschel Sparber — Bruiser Doug Stone — Police Officer with Big Germ and Jamie Steve Susskind — Scabies Keri Tombazian — Stomach Announcer Paul Tuerpe — Nose Cell Billy West — Colin and Artie's co-worker Robert Wisdom — Big Germ Live-action Bill Murray — Frank DeTorre Elena Franklin — Shane DeTorre Molly Shannon — Mrs. Boyd Chris Elliott — Bob DeTorre Danny Murphy — Zookeeper Superintendent Jack McCullough — Zookeeper Kathy Wege — Volcano Lady Will Dunn — Oyster Boy Jackie Flynn — School Janitor Kelsey Jordan — Bus Girl #1 Abe Farrelly — Bus Girl #2 Jesse Peter — Laughing Boy John Eliot Jordan — Pea Soup Manager Nancy Byers — Pea Soup Supervisor Kevin J. Flynn — Docky's Clamshack Waiter Sean Gildea — Dreamy Photographer Kathryn Frick — Nurse #1 Nikki Tyler-Flynn — Nurse #2 Elizabeth Jordan — Nurse #3 Zen Gesner — Emergency Room Doctor #1 Marc Hyman — Emergency Room Doctor #2 Zak Penn — Emergency Room Doctor #3 External links 0181739 Osmosis Jones osmosis_jones Osmosis Jones Category:Osmosis Jones Category:2001 American animated films Category:Traditionally animated films Category:American children's animated action films Category:American children's animated comedy films Category:Films set in Rhode Island Category:American films with live action and animation Category:Films directed by the Farrelly brothers Category:2000s English-language films