The Guru

The Guru is a 2002 British-French-American film about Ramu Gupt, an aspiring actor who leaves India to find fame and fortune in America only to be disappointed and unexpectedly discovers hidden talents as a sex guru. Directed by Daisy von Scherler Mayer and written by Tracey Jackson. Unleash the tiger within! When he talks, women listen. Vijay Do you know why they call it the American Dream? Because it only happens when you are asleep. [shouting while knocking at the door of his roomates] IMMIGRATION! Ramu Gupta [upon seeing the apartment] You're a real bastard, you know that? Sanjay [awestruck] I talked to a real live pornstar... and she sounded naked! Sharonna My pussy is the gateway to my soul. I'm engaged to a nice, normal guy. Do you know how hard it is to find a nice, normal guy in New York? You can't just go away. [shouting] I have abandonment issues! Hank the Cameraman [wedding guests are unaware that Hank is a porno cameramen] Pretend that I'm not here. Wedding father Enough of this swapping of spit! Let's celebrate! Rasphal the Cook Is he doing the Macarena? Hoseman Rusty! My heart beats for you. [everyone else looks around perplexed] Dialogue Dwain: Next! Ramu Gupta: I'm here for the audition. Ramu Gupta. Dwain: Tell me something I don't know. Ramu Gupta: My mother comes from Hyderabad. My father wanted to marry a Muslim girl, but his family wouldn't let him. Dwain: Everybody's a comedian. What'd you say your name was? Ramu Gupta: Ram Chandra Gupta. Actor. Dancer. Dwain: Okay, Rammy, what would you say your specialty is? Ramu Gupta: Well, I move smooth. I take instruction easily. I'm not afraid to try new things. Dwain: Good. We like that. How big are you hard? Ramu Gupta: Yes, I work very hard. Dwain: No. Your johnson. How big is your johnson? Ramu Gupta: Johnson? Dwain: Your wand. Your pork-sword. Your baloney pony. Ramu Gupta: Would you like to see my Macarena? Dwain: Is that what you call it in your part of the world? Let me see your Macarena. Ramu Gupta: [Ramu hums melody and starts dancing] Hey, Macarena! Dwain: All right, you wanna lose the pants? Ramu Gupta: Is that part of the movie? Dwain: Could be. Ramu Gupta: I get it. Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business? [takes off pants and does a whole dance routine] Dwain: All right! You know you could be big. Ramu Gupta: Oh, yes, sir, very big. Dwain: I can see that. I must say, most guys come in here, they wax the dolphin. That's it. It's over. You dance. I like that. Ramu Gupta: Thank you. Dwain: Plus you got this really interesting look. It's kind of an Oriental cabana boy thing. You're unique, Rammy. You could be a big star. Ramu Gupta: Yes, sir. I know. Ramu Gupta: I'm telling you. I'm the star, like John Travolta. Roommate 1: "Pulp Fiction" Travolta or "Urban Cowboy" Travolta? Ramu Gupta: "Grease" Travolta. Roommate 1: How many lines do you have? Ramu Gupta: I haven't seen the script yet. Roommate 1: I know your lines, just like your lines in the restaurant. "Would you like chutney with your chapatis or poppadums with your paneer?" Roommate 2: "Do you want nachos with your Big Gulp?" Ramu Gupta: Piss off, man. Roommate 1: Oh, I'm sorry. Good for you, yaar. Come on, so tell us about it. What role are you playing? Sanjiv: Man in turban working in gas station. Ramu Gupta: You guys joke all you want, but this is a real movie and I am the star. Vijay: Name one famous Indian in America. Sanjay: That guy from the Simpsons. Vijay: He is a cartoon! Chantal: [Edwin in her bedroom] What's wrong? You haven't been up here since the Reagan administration. Edwin: [undresses] It's Bush time. [Chantal freaks out] Lexi: Mother, when you realize that not all people of color were put here to serve you? Chantal: Lexi, darling, how can say that? I've served food to the homeless. Good food. Food I'd eat myself if I still ate carbs. Rusty McGee: [Ramu pretends to be fixing toilet after Rusty gets home early and surprises them] Why doesn't he have any tools? Sharonna: He's a holistic plumber. Vijay: You have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food in your belly, what more do you want? Ramu Gupta: I want what you promised. Ramu Gupta: You need to do your own thing. Live your own life. [walks away angrily] Lexi: I'm going to meditate on that. Ramu Gupta: The most powerful sexual organ is your brain. Think about it. [faces woman] Are you thinking? Turned-on Woman: My whole body is about to think! Chantal: I give you Swami Bu. Vijay: Swami, you're on. [a drunk Swami collapses] Swami Bu has gone to another dimension. Ramu Gupta: [walks into the apartment, and Sanjay and Vijay are watching a porno with Sharonna in it] What are you watching? Vijay: [makes a sex motion] M-M-M-M-My Sharonna. Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm. Ramu Gupta: YOU BASTARDS! TURN IT OFF! [jumps on Sanjay] Sanjay: You've never seen Good Will Hunting? Vijay: We also have Star Wars, Episode 69. Mira: Ramu is on TV! Mrs. Gupta: What he is talking about? Nana: Sexual intercourse. Ramu Gupta: Why are you afraid? Kitty: What makes you think that I'm afraid? Ramu Gupta: I feel it. Dwain: Alright, you wanna lose the pants? Ramu Gupta: Is that part of the movie? Dwain: Could be. Ramu Gupta: Is the Mercedes in the shop or something? Vijay: Or something. Chantal: Lexi, can I see you in the kitchen? Lexi: Do you know where it is? Taglines This Summer, There's A New Lord Of The Dance! A comedy about finding the American dream in the most unexpected way. Cast Jimi Mistry - Ramu Gupta Heather Graham - Sharonna Marisa Tomei -Lexi Michael McKean - Dwain Dash Mihok - Rusty McGee Emil Marwa - Vijay Rao Christine Baranski - Chantal Ronald Guttmanv - Edwin Malachy McCourt - Father Flanagan Ajay Naidu - Sanjay External links tt0280720 Category:2002 British films Category:2002 French films Category:2002 American films Category:2002 English-language films Category:Films directed by Daisy von Scherler Mayer Category:Sex comedy films Category:Films about pornography