Mystery Science Theater 3000/Season 9

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 The Projected Man [Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.] Observer: Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… [increasingly melodramatically] wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. Nepenthe! Nepenthe! Pearl: You are so gay. Observer: I could be wrong. The Projected Man (movie) [Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises] Man: What's he doing? Crow: Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine! [Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory] Dr. Hill: You better watch where you're going! Dr. Mitchell: Pretty you may be! [A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something] Crow [as Guard]: Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant! . . . [Dr. Hill drives away] Servo: Uh... driving she may be! [Dr. Hill is parking her car] Crow: Ah parking! What a great way to establish character and create tension! [The car's engine makes odd noises] Mike: An exhaust system she may need! [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! Crow [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks! Mike: Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.] Crow: Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again![A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]Thief: Gloria? Mike [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! Servo [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! Crow [as Thief]: I hear they got your number.[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]Inspector Davis: Can I get on? Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel] Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out.[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]Crow: Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck? Servo: Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat? Crow: Do I want the director just killed or should he be tortured first? Mike: Crow! . . .[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]Crow: Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!![Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly] The Phantom Planet The Phantom Planet (movie) [Over footage of an atomic bomb test]Crow: Grandpa tried to use the microwave again. Mike: Pat Buchanan's first day as President. Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful... Crow [as Chapman]: Don't hit him... Makonnen: ...if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. . . . Mike [as Makonnen]: You know, Captain... Crow [as Chapman]: Shut up, Ray. . . .[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]Mike [as Chapman] Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]Servo [as Chapman, sickly]: Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around![Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the Bots join the fun]Servo: Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy... Mike: Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed... Crow: Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain Mike: Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating... Crow: I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank... Servo: You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]Judge Eden: Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. Servo [as Chapman]: …with courage and nudeness.[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]Chapman: I don't understand. Sessom: There are many things you will not understand here… Crow [as Sessom]: …being an obvious doorknob.[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]Servo: Look! Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery![The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. Servo [as Jury]: [cheering]We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay![Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. Crow: So people are just balloons? Crow: You know, this is almost as good as 2001... nails driven into your eyes![During another flashback sequence...] Crow: We didn't like these scenes the first time! . . . [The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.] Crow: No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago! [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Chapman! Chapman! Servo [as White]: You got any gum? White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. Mike [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. [The rescue ship flies away from Rheton] Chapman: Now they'll never believe me... Mike [as Chapman]: [Unemotionally] I'll have to kill them all. The Pumaman The Pumaman (movie) Kobras: Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history. Mike [as Kobras]: And there's more salt in ham than in turkey. Jane: You can't hide this! Kobras: Who is to prevent me? Servo: A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair? [A man is hurled out an office building window.] Mike: We're downsizing, Steve! [A newspaper headline is shown reading "Fourth American killed in a few days. Will there be other victims?"] Crow: Call our 900 number and vote. Jane: So, dinosaurs died out because they forgot how to love each other. Is that right? Servo: In a wrong kind of way, yeah. Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. Crow [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.] Mike: Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle. Crow: So, basically, a mild rain could take out that roof. [Tony, now Puma Man, flies through London for the first time as Vadinho watches.] Servo: Yeah, first thing he does is poop on my car! Crow [as Vadinho]: Look out for the-- oh, boy, right into the propellers. Mike: They gave him the Captain Dork costume by mistake. Crow: [Singing to the Puma Man theme music] Pu-ma Man, he flies like a moron! Mike: He has the project to rear project major cities. Servo: A bird gets sucked into his engine and he goes down immediately. Crow: Yeah, they'll find his black box and hear "DAH! WHOA HO!" [Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. Crow [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Castaneda. Mike: Are criminals genetically drawn to construction sites? Kobras: Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him. Crow: Donald's only use for the word "comb". [Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots.] Mike [as the henchman]: Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics! ... [The henchman gets dropped again.] Servo [as the henchman]: My mustache makes me fall sideways! [As he prepares to use his teleportation power, Tony tosses his cloak back in a rather flamboyant gesture.] Servo: Prepare the Effeminate Mobile! [As the Puma Man theme plays, Tony prepares to teleport to his friend Matthew while he's driving a fire truck.] Mike [as Gilbert Gottfried]: I'm in the fire truck for USA Up All Night. Crow: Soundtrack by my little brother's Casio. Servo [as Tony]: I keep dreaming of a little man in a tiny car. [Tony teleports into his girlfriend Jane's car, seeking information. Jane is wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Mike: Oh, he gets drunk and pops into old girlfriends' cars. Jane: Tony! How'd you get here? Tony: Never mind. Drive. Servo: ...he said. Jane: But they'll kill you if they find you. Kobras wants to kill you and they're following me, they're right behind me. Tony: Never mind. Tell me where the mask is. Crow: Get your copy at Blockbuster. Jane: Don't ask me that, I can't. I swear I'd like to, but I can't. I'm conditioned to keep the secret just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! Mike [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. Servo: Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! Servo [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [After Kobras has been pronouncing "Puma" the British way the entire movie, the Satellite of Love crew finally gets tired of it.] Kobras: You can not escape me, Pyu-ma Man! Crow: PU-ma Man! Mike: Oh, is that right? Dee-onald? Kobras: You're just a small... insignificant... human being! Servo: No, no, HOO-man being... oh, wait. Kobras: Because you come from Earth... Servo [as Kobras]: Corn grows in you. Kobras: And to Earth you shall return! Mike: Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him. [Everyone sings along with the Puma Man theme while Vadinho and Puma Man fight Kobras' henchmen.] Mike: Dick's Red Owl, selection and service... Servo: Snyder Drug, we're busting up prices... Crow: When you want the flavor of bacon in a dip... Crow: [singing to the theme from The Greatest American Hero] Believe it or not, this movie's still on, it should have ended two hours ago... [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. Mike: To be left alone— the goal of every great hero! [As Tony is nowhere to be seen, Vadinho beats the snot out of Kobras' henchmen.] Crow: So, basically, the hero is this guy. I think it's time we all face that fact. [Vadinho has gone aboard the alien space craft and it goes off into the sun set.] Mike: And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe. Werewolf [Mike drops a ladder into Castle Forrester, where Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are having their breakfast] Mike: I am entering the actual structure now. It appears to be a barn of some sort, or it... no, it's an eatery. It is an eatery. I will approach one of the patrons and attempt to gather information on my... whereabouts... Pearl: [Looking at the back of her cereal box] Brain Guy. Observer: Yeah. [Summons a cannon which points at Mike] Mike: Ahh! OK, I'll get back up and watch my movie, wh- ah... which is, uh, what again? Pearl: [Still reading the back of her cereal box] "Werewolf". Mike: "Werewolf", right. Uh, Brain Guy, you wouldn't want to beam me back up, would you? Observer: [Still reading the back of his cereal box] No. Mike: Didn't think so, just checking. I'll... get back up and watch my... [Hastily climbs back up the ladder] [Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws] Crow: It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore. Mike: [holding a rag to his head] Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches! Crow: Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- [notices Mike's new features] hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man! Mike: Really? Crow: Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god! [while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look] Mike: Wha- what?! Servo: Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head! Mike: [Mike does so] So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. [voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow] Hey! Wait a minute! Crow: Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence. Servo: Blech! Don't say essence! Mike: Yeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm... Crow: [choruses with Mike] Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said! Servo: Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW! Crow: Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel? Mike: Well I feel thin... Crow: Uh-huh. Mike: ...I have an intense love for bacon... Crow: Oh yeah! Mike: ...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet. Crow: Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great! Mike: Man, I love us! Crow: Yeah, me too! Servo: [disgusted] If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! [leaves] Mike: Yeah, whatever. So what else can I expect? Crow: Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so... Mike: Okay, good. Crow: You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC- Mike: Already have! Crow: Great! [Commercial sign starts] Oop. [choruses with Mike] Well be right back! Mike: Haha! What else? Crow: Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines. Mike: Ooh, good point! [chuckles] Werewolf (movie) [Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.] Servo: I don't know, you had him last! [laughs] Crow: You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike! Servo: Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? [laughs] [Mike enters.] Mike: Hey, guys. Servo: [screams] YAH! Crow: Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke... Mike: [chuckles] Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that! Servo: Thank you! Crow: [backpedaling] Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.[Mike finishes chuckling]Crow: [sighs, defeated] Good one, Servo. Servo: [gloating] Well, thank you! [chuckles][A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]Billy: Hey, I got something here! Crow: It's Ron![Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]Crow: Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists! . . . Crow: It's a production of Road House in the Park. . . . Mike: And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant. Noel: At the risk of sounding nuts... Crow [as Noel]: I've replaced my toes with grapes.[Over a shot of the moon]Servo [as moon]: Oh, I ate too much - I am a full moon! Mike: I am gonna hit you so hard...[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]Servo: No, wait! It's a gorilla![Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]Servo: ...With a dog mask on![Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]Servo: I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting.[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]Noel: Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you? Crow [as Noel]: You are married to me![At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? Crow [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all! Mike: Heh, good one![In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! Servo [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! Mike: Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]Crow: Chubby Ramone![At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]Natalie: So it all comes to this? Servo [as Natalie]: The... thing that it comes to? Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? Crow [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. You hear me? I won't stand for it! Servo [as Natalie]: You is a jerk![Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]Sam: Werewolf? Crow [as Paul]: No, I'm a squirrel monkey; OF COURSE I'm a werewolf, you...[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]Mike [as Natalie]: Paul, you is a wahrwilf![Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]Crow: Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]Mike: Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west... Mike, Crow and Servo: We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU! Tusk!Servo: Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go... Crow: Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town... Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!Mike: High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo... Servo: Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane... Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!Crow: Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Mike: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key... Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!Servo: Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep... Crow: And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon... Mike: In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it... Servo: One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble! Crow: Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey... Mike: We were merely freshmen! Mike, Crow and Servo: Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! Tusk! The Deadly Bees The Deadly Bees (movie) [The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]Crow: They named every bee? This is gonna take forever...[Slender British rock band The Birds (not the more famous Byrds) perform a song.]Crow: [singing] Eight… miles… wrong! . . . Servo: Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.] Crow: Hey, they're growing Bill the Cat! [Hargrove is sitting down at the pub] Hargrove: Morning, David. Hawkins: Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you? Hargrove: Oh, the usual. Servo: 9 A.M., why so late? Hargrove: Make it a double, will you? Crow: Alright, now we're in England. Mike: Andy Capp: The Movie.[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.] Mike: Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins! [After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.] Coroner: Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death? Hargrove: The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees. Coroner: And her dog? Servo [as Hargrove]: Uh, the dog didn't sting her. [Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.] Servo: [singing to "Sleigh Bells"] Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go… [Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.] Crow: Hey, it's Nondescript Spice. Mike: Whose woods these are? Crow: Oh, I think I know. Mike: Huh? [High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.] Servo: [gasps] Killer cookie crumbs! Crow [as Doris]: Damn, it's that "bee-loud glade" that Yeats spoke of. [After Vicki passes out from exhaustion during her solo, the music is still playing on the reel-to-reel, with her voice still singing as well.] Crow: She still lip-syncs better than Jewel. [Vicki's feverish nightmare includes a shot of Tess, barking as bees swarm over her] Mike [as Tess]: Avenge me! Ruff! [While Vicki is waiting at Manfred's home, Hargrove brings him the rest of her luggage.] Mike [as Hargrove]: If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones. [Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.] Crow: The house was made of typing paper and oily rags. [At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.] Crow [confused]: All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this? Servo: Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"? The Space Children Century 21 Calling... (short) [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] Mike: Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits] Crow: Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind. Mike: Why do you lash out like that? Crow: I don't know. [Shot of the Space Needle over a soundtrack of organ music.] Servo: The only bathroom in the fair is up there. Crow: Well, I'm glad to know the future has CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC! [Nerdy guy pauses a moment to look at marquee with ladies' legs.] Crow [as Girl]: Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it! [Mike notices a sign that says "Gifts From Germany."] Mike: Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers? [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?] Crow [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A lady at the How Do Animals Learn? exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.] Mike [as Lady]: Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird? Bell Woman: ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest. [The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.] Crow [as Boy]: The Führer will like that! [A little girl phones her grandmother.] Grandma: Hello? Little Girl: Hello, Grandma? Crow [as Little Girl]: Where's my money? [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? Servo [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! Mike: Well, andante, maybe. Crow [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. [In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation. [The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.] Crow: Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on you?! [During a demonstration of the wonders of push-button telephones.] Mike [as Bell Woman]: And in the future there will still be a two dollar surcharge for using this service despite the technology having proliferated EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET! The Space Children (movie) Crow: Remind me to never be a child. [Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.] Crow [as Bud]: [mesmerized] Yes — I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales. [Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by Russell Johnson), but is finally caught.] Crow: Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by "And The Rest"! [As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.] Anne Brewster: How does it tell you, and why? Bud: I don't think you'd understand. [Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.] Mike [as Anne]: Oh, I'll just go wish myself into the cornfield. [Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.] Dr. Wahrman: And what does it look like? Crow [as Brewster]: Well, it's got a good personality… Hobgoblins [Mike and the Bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.] Mike Cutout: This sure is a bad movie, won't you? Servo Cutout: It sure is, you know! Crow Cutout: Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins." Mike Cutout: Are you kidding me? Servo Cutout: Then let's go! All [singing]: Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo! . . . Mike Cutout: Watch out, here comes one now! Crow Cutout: Look out, you little doodad! Servo Cutout: Something's sure going to happen! [The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.] Mike Cutout: Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... [Speech fades out.] Hobgoblins (movie) Servo: Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie? [A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.] Mike: What, has he got Pringles in his shoes? Servo: Proof that janitors walk upright! [Dennis opens the vault door.] Mike: Burgess Meredith is inside reading. [McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.] Servo [as Announcer]: Member, FDI-Murder! Crow [as Announcer]: Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 die! Combining common bank advertising lines with Quinn Martin TV-mystery trademark narration. [The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.] Servo: Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short! Mike: These are the beginning credits! Servo: Oh, well, then kill me, please? A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.] Mike: It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain! Servo: [singing] Take on me... Daphne: [singing to "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"] Everybody have sex tonight! Servo: Everybody throw up tonight. Crow: Ironically, no one in the band Wang Chung had sex that night. McCreedy: But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried... Servo: Sentence fragments. Just phrases. [Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.] Crow: So, does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract, or…? . . . [Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.] Mike: He's also a black belt in Whac-A-Mole. . . . [Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.] Mike: Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them. Crow: Can we make it a rule that, in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers? Mike: [singing along to generic '80s synth music] It's the '80s! Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan! [As the Hobgoblins form up together] Servo: Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw. [Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.] Servo: Ugh! They made love in their Chevy van and that is not alright with me! [Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.] Crow: So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"? [Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.] Crow: That is not a woman! That's David Lee Roth! . . . [Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.] Servo: The car will do anything to get out of this movie! [The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.] Crow: In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were not in the car at the time of the crash![Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]Mike [as Kevin]: Look at that guy wave the gel in front of the light![Kevin shoots a gun into the air]Crow: Oh, great! You just shot down Air Force One, you dope![The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]Servo: The king of the Wisconsin Dells finally gets a movie. McCreedy: Did I ever tell you what I did during the war? Kevin: No, what? Crow [as McCreedy]: Shot off my toe and got out! The Touch of Satan The Touch of Satan (movie) [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]Farmer: Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them... Servo: Mercy? Farmer: ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. Mike [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me.[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]Mike: The American Gothic people take revenge. . . .[Fade to table of people laughing]Crow: [as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story] And then he died! [all laugh][A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]Servo: Grandma Kramer! Mike: A kabuki actor's been hit! . . . Luther: What happened? What have you done? Servo [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! Servo: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. Crow [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. . . . Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. . . . Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around.[Jody drives off.]Servo [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy.[Over a shot of the forest]Mike: [singing] But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...Crow: [stern] Mike, stop it now. Mike: ...Sorry. Jody: This your pond?[Lengthy pause]Crow [as Jody]: You can take your time, it's a tough question. Melissa: It belongs to my father. Jody: Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond? Servo [as Melissa]: As long as you don't hit his favorite frog.[Another pause] Melissa: I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car? Jody: Yeah. Servo [as Melissa]: Mind if I skip rocks across it? [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. [Mike and the Bots snicker loudly] Jody: Why did you run? Servo [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [A pause.] Mike [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] Crow [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. [A police car passes the car Jody is driving] Mike [as Barney Fife]: I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car! [At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89] Crow: She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change. [In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"] Mike [as townsfolk]: Oh, and "go Packers" too, but mostly burn the witch. . . . [Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..." Servo [as Strickland]: ...said Madeleine. Strickland: "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..." Crow [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." Mike [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea..." Crow [as Strickland]: "...team!" Strickland: "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..." Mike [as Strickland]: "...by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! . . . [The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"] Mrs. Strickland: What is it, David? Crow: It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf? Young Melissa: Papa, what is it? Crow: [irritated] People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at all? [Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.] Servo: [singing along] "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice." [Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.] Servo [as Lucinda]: I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened! Gorgo Gorgo (movie) [The film starts with a message about the filming locations of London and Dublin.] Mike: "London, England"... Yeah, which was paid for by exorbitant taxes on Rod Stewart and Pete Townshend. Servo: (after the message fades) Wait, I just got three words into it! [Over the title screen] Mike: The Vice President's unimaginative campaign slogan. [A scuba diver is seen on screen.] Servo: This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good. [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.] Mike: And...? [Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.] Mike: Oh, they're fine! Crow: [singing to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better... [Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.] Sam: Looks like they're pretty hard hit. Mike: Poor dopes, they appear every hundred years and get hit by a huge storm. Joe: Well, what do you know? Mike, Crow, Servo: Not much. You? [Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.] McCartin: After you load with water… you leave. Tonight! Joe: The sooner, the better! Servo [as Joe/Cheerleader]: The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us! Crow [as Sam/Cheerleader]: Yay! [Gorgo is seen terrorizing a small Irish village.] Mike: Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by Cromwell or infested by leprechauns they've got this guy! Mike [as Gorgo]: McRoar! O'Growl! [A sailor sends a message back to England by Morse code.] Crow [as sailor]: Am in Ireland, send real food. Joe: Put a guard on that thing, 24/7. And give him a rifle. Tom: Don’t give the monster a rifle! [After breaking free of his nets Gorgo swings his tail at what looks like an elephant, which blows up.] Crow: I didn't know elephants exploded on impact! [Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.] Servo: Maybe Mary Poppins flies in and kicks his ass? Mike: That I'd pay to see. [The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.] Servo: I wish they'd get back to Dorkin. Crow: Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more. Servo: Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage? Crow: Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'. Servo: D'oh! Mike: Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work! Crow: [lewdly] Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh. Mike: That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I— [Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.] Mike: You know what I mean. Stop it. [After the latest attack by the British military on Gorgo's mom proves ineffective.] Servo: Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now. [Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean] Sean: She's going back now—back to the sea. Servo [as Sean]: ...With the blood of many on her scales. The Final Sacrifice Crow: If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender. The Final Sacrifice (movie) [The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".] Mike: I understand everything up to the word "A". Crow: He comes from a long line of great anuses. . . . Crow: That's an anagram for "direct to video!" [On the name Bharbara Egan.] Crow: That's an illegal use of a silent consonant! [On the name Ron Anderson and Randy Vasseur in the opening credits.] Mike: You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it. Servo: Already. [A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".] Servo: Seven years after the credits? Mike: [confused] I guess. [A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.] Crow [as figure]: Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate. . . . Mike: Heh... you know, people are just dying to— Servo: [sharply] No. Mike: ...Sorry. . . . [Troy visits his father's grave.] Troy: [voiceover] Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you. Mike [as Troy's Father]: I died. [Troy enters his attic.] Mike: Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays. . . . [Troy opens a trunk.] Crow [as Troy]: This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters. Servo: Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown. Mike [as Troy]: I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here. . . . Servo [as Troy]: Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk. [Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.] Crow [as Troy]: Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon. [He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.] Mike: Larry Czonka! [Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.] Servo [as Troy]: Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich. Crow [as Troy]: I've got to find the warranty on this sweater. [He opens a box and uncovers a folder labeled "LEMON MINE".] Mike: No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!! [One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.] Servo: It's open! . . . Crow [as henchman]: Can I interest you in a replacement door? [After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.] Mike: Canadian villain Garth Vader. Alluding to Darth Vader's grand entrance in Star Wars. [Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.] Mike [as Cultist]: Damn you, Pee-Wee! [Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.] Crow: Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot. Zap Rowsdower: What's your name, laddie? Troy: Troy MacGregor. Zap Rowsdower: I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower. Crow: Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater! [Rowsdower's truck starts up.] Mike: Rowsdowermobile, away! Servo: And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta! [The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.] Crow: [frustrated] I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here! Troy: Will you help me find what's behind the map? Mike [as Rowsdower]: Oh, I don't go map-findin'-behindin'. [Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.] Zap Rowsdower: Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with? Crow [as Rowsdower]: They're from Saskatchewan! Troy: No. Zap Rowsdower: It's a cult. Servo [as Rowsdower]: They worship blue oysters. Zap Rowsdower: They want to rule the world. Troy: How do you know? Zap Rowsdower: I've been around, kid. Crow [as Rowsdower]: And I've been a square kid. Servo: D'oh! Rowsdower: They used to rule this land. Mike [as Rowsdower]: They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew. [Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.] Mike: [imitating the engine] Rowsdower-er-er-er-er... Rowsdower: Go to hell! Crow [as Rowsdower]: Or at least Edmonton! [Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.] Troy: FOOD! Crow [as Rowsdower]: Yeah, no beer, though. Pipper: Hey! Who goes there?! Servo [as Troy]: More FOOD! Pipper: What the hell you doin' here?! Crow [as Troy]: We were eating your FOOD! [Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.] Pipper: McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son? Troy: Yeah! Did you know him? Servo [as Pipper]: Know him? He was delicious! [Rowsdower is trudging up a hill] Mike: Hey, how'd he get his pants clean? Servo: Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry. . . . Crow: [singing] You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing... Crow and Servo: We will, we will ROWSDOWER! Crow: SING IT! [Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.] Crow: We will, we... [normally] Oh, guess that's over. [Troy is tied up and Rowsder gives him a knife to cut the rope] Mike [as Troy]: I dropped it. Mike [as Troy]: Which is the sharp side? Mike [as Troy]: Um, I cut both my wrists. Mike [as Troy]: Uh, I somehow swallowed the knife. [During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.] Servo [as Satoris]: You shot me in the butt! What the hell?! You shot me IN THE BUTT! [The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll] Servo: Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world! Crow: He comes to save the day in a broken truck. Mike: With a stinky denim jacket on his back. Crow: He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked! Mike: But at least we didn't have to see him play [falters] h-hackey sack.... Servo: What?! Mike: Sorry, I panicked. Devil Fish Devil Fish (movie) [The film's title is shown.] Servo: The story of Aleister Crappie! [Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.] Peter: Janet! Janet! Servo [as Peter]: Oh, sorry, I forgot. I'm nasty, Miss Jackson! [Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. West.] Dr. Davis: Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor. Dr. West: In his hands. Dr. Davis: Exactly. Crow [as Davis]: Yeah, thanks for helping me out there. [Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.] Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]: Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade! Servo: I bet they hired every nature-hating psycho in Dade County. [Shot of skinny woman in bikini on raft] Servo: See the Human Lady! [That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.] Sheriff Gordon: Squad number one. Report in. Squad Member: Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet. Crow [as Squad Member]: B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet, over. . . . Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two! Servo [as dead squad member]: We done been et, over! . . . Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two! Crow: Oh, they'll be number two soon enough. . . . [The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.] Servo [as Devil Fish]: [singing to Neil Young's "Southern Man"] Southern man, gonna eat your head! . . . [The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.] Crow: Well, this should take care of every living thing in the Everglades. . . . [The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.] Servo [as Sheriff]: Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms! Crow: Does the Coast Guard have a lot of use for flamethrowers? . . . [Close up of burning water.] Mike: Eww, someone threw a match on the Cuyahoga River. The Screaming Skull Robot Rumpus (short) Crow [as Gumby]: One of my classmates died in the kiln today, mother. Tom Servo: The nice thing about Gumby is that you can also use him as window caulk. Gumba: Such clever boys certainly deserve some crackers with their milk! Tom Servo: [sarcastically] Crackers? Wow! Maybe they can have white rice later! [One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.] Crow: Hey, don't! That's Wallace and Gromit's yard! [Another robot chops down a tree.] Mike: Hey! That's old-growth clay! . . . [Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.] Crow: Habitat Against Humanity. [Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.] Crow [as Weatherman]: It's a fair to partly-cottony day… Gumby's Mother: Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk! Servo: Crackers? Wow! Maybe they can have white rice later! [A robot is digging up the flower garden.] Crow [as mobster]: Gotta move this body back upstate. [A robot throws a wrench at Gumbo, which goes through him and leaves a wrench-shaped hole in his torso.] Servo: Liquid metal! [The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.] Mike [as Gumby]: Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil! [Gumbo leaps into a trench in order to deactivate one of the robots.] Crow: Oh, bad move! Robots do not fight clean! [A moment later, Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.] Mike [as Gumbo]: Thank goodness for the internal genitalia! [Gumby's stacked mother gives a stern look at a robot who's invaded the house.] Crow [as Gumby's Mother]: That squares my breasts! [Gumbo slides down the fire truck ladder from the roof in a sitting position.] Mike [as Gumbo]: Son, I'm gunna need a can of Play-Doh to replace my butt. [A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".] Servo: Aah! They hung his head! Oh… Crow: Now I'm ready for years of powerful Adlerian therapy, Mike. Servo: They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than Se7en! Mike: Hey! His bump is on the other side! The Screaming Skull (movie) Eric: Jenni, this is Mickey. Mike [as Eric]: Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare! Jenni: How did Marian die? Reverend Snow: Didn't Eric tell you? Crow [as Snow]: He sat on her head. Jenni: I think the subject's rather painful to him. I'd like to make him talk about it... Servo [as Snow]: Let's just say she was riddled with bullets. Jenni: Would you mind telling me? I'd like to know. Reverend Snow: ... It was a rainy day... Mike [as Snow]: And he shot her. Reverend Snow: She and Mickey had been working up there in the greenhouse. She left him to go back to the house for a few minutes... Crow [as Snow]: Then a lion jumped out and shot her. At least, that's what Eric said. Reverend Snow: The way we pieced it together after the accident is that... Servo [as Snow] She got shot. Reverend Snow: ...while she was coming down this path, apparently it began to rain very hard. Servo [as Snow]: Then she got dead. Reverend Snow: She must have run along here... we don't know of course what happened then... Mike [as Snow]: We should have called the police. Reverend Snow: Perhaps she slipped on a leaf. The base of her skull was smashed. Crow [as Snow]: Anyway, how are you? [Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.] Servo: Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well! [Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.] Mike [as Rev. Snow]: Have you tried talking to your minister about this? [The face on Marian's tombstone briefly appears to morph into a skull as Eric looks at it.] Servo [as Eric]: Don't you make that skull face at me, missy! [Over a long shot of Jenni sitting on her bed, not moving...] Crow: [impatient] Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something? [In the greenhouse, Mickey struggles with an armful of flowerpots, dropping them as he tries to pick more up.] Crow: GET A BOX! [As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.] Servo: Kiri Te Kanawa is drunk again! [Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.] Crow: Oh, great! She's playing her Yoko Ono albums. Mike: I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, semicolon, Skull". [There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door] Mike: Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually. [Eric flees to the stairs, where a skull tumbles down toward him.] Crow: Everyone knows it's Slink-skull! Crow: So, this movie's kind of a combination of "The Tell-Tale Heart", Blithe Spirit, and...well, a piece of lint, I guess. [The skull is throw out the window and hits the ground rolling, landing right side up.] Crow: Settled in a divot.[The skull twitches.] Servo: Woof! Quest of the Delta Knights Quest of the Delta Knights (movie) Crow: Well, better than "Quest of the Delta Burkes", I suppose Narrator: Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous. Crow: Jimmy Carter was in office. [David Warner appears.] Crow [as David Warner]: [apologetic] In it for the money, folks. [As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.] Baydool: ¿Como te llamas? Servo [as Tee]: Yeah, yo quiero Taco Bell, whatever. . . . Baydool: Comment vous-appelez vous? Crow [as Tee]: Je m'appelle… Bite Me! [Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.] Pearl [as Tee]: I'll see if Bombadil has a place to crash. Tee: I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master". Crow [as Tee]: Right, Mr. Bater? [Baydool scares off an intruder by throwing the contents of his chamber pot at him.] Pearl: Ew, wizard whiz! Crow: Drain the wizard! [Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.] Servo [as Tee]: Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im! [Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.] Servo [as Slave]: Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am? . . . Lord Vultare: We've rounded up a number of suspects. Crow [as Vultare]: …including Kevin Spacey. Lord Vultare: I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order. Mannerjay: What of the map? Lord Vultare: No word. It seems… Pearl [as Vultare]: …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy? [Baydool shows Tee some blow darts.] Baydool: These will put anyone to sleep in no time. Crow: They're tiny James Michener books! [After another attack by Vultare's thugs ends in failure.] Tom: The Vikings in this movie don't vike very well. [Tee, Leonardo and Thena set off on horseback after a confusing scene of exposition.] Servo: Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me. [After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.] Loony Henchman: I'm com-iiiing! Mike [as The Prince]: Put a sock in it, Legolas! Tee: When in doubt, rest. Crow: You are full of crap beyond your years, kid. [Tee sets up an explosive device at the mouth of the Storehouse.] Servo: Tee pities the fool who gets in his way. [Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.] Servo [as Vultare]: Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation.