Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Gizmoplex

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 Santo in the Treasure of Dracula Kinga Forrester: For three decades, the Forrester family experiment has resided on a number of platforms. Max: Comedy Central, the Sci-fi Channel, Netflix... Kinga But my family thought too small. Why subject our home-grown experiment to the hands of thankless executives... when we could be the thankless executives??? Introducing, the Kinga-dome! Our premiere theater- Max: Connected to the Gizmoplex! Kinga: ... Our premiere theater!!! ... for all things Mystery Science Theater 3000. A bright and shining beacon to the worst that cinema has to offer. Santo in the Treasure of Dracula (movie) Tom Servo: This is actually my favorite Castlevania sequel. Voiceover: [translating a sign] Dr. Cesar Sepulveda, nuclear physicist. Servo: Thursdays on Telemundo. Jonah Heston [about Santo's silver wrestling mask] It's like a Hershey Kiss in a suit. Jonah Uh-oh, I think this contraption is powered by an Etch-a-Sketch. Professor Van Roth: How strange. This mirror reflects everything. Jonah: Yes, it's a mirror. Van Roth: Except you! Count Dracula: Bastard! [shatters the mirror] Servo: Now you'll have seven years of bad suck- uh luck. [as Dracula flees after being revealed by Van Roth] Jonah [as Dracula]: You fool, I've been me the whole time! Van Roth: Mein Gott! [proceeds to cross his heart] Servo: Spectacles, testicles... testicles... testicles... Luisa: That was an awful experience. Santo: Calm down, it's already over. Get some rest. Crow T. Robot [as Luisa]: But I've slept most of the movie. Jonah: Hey, you got your Spirit Halloween store in my Ed Wood movie. Servo: No, you got your Ed Wood movie in my Spirit Halloween store. Crow: Most of wrestling is just different types of hugs. Servo: So a booming soundtrack as the little girl walks around the house, but silence during a car chase. Okay. Robot Wars Robot Wars (movie) [as the opening credits lists J. Downing] Crow T. Robot: I bet the J stands for "just please don't use my full name". [as a robot is shown onscreen] Crow: Papa, is that you??? Jonah Heston: Oh no, hey now Crow, easy. It's not. ... [the robot is shown again] Crow: Papa, you wanna have a catch? Jonah: Hey, it's not your dad, okay? Crow: Jonah, you're not my REAL dad! Tom Servo: [after a model tank is destroyed] There goes the entire practical effect budget. Drake: Rooney, you must have grown up in old California with too much sun. Let me ask you a question. Was your daddy rich and your mama good looking? Rooney: You're cruising for a court martial, buster boy. Servo [as Drake]: That's buster bro! Rooney: I hope he gets his balls shot off. Crow, Servo, and Jonah: So say we all. Stumpy: You know, we're robot men, Captain. What are we doing out here in a grit and grime where people can blow our ass away? We're supposed to be indestructible! Crow: You know, like the Titanic, or the seal industry, or Gamestop stocks, or Beanie Babies, or America's love for James Corden! [during a laser gun fight] Crow: So who are we rooting for? Jonah: Oh, whoever makes the kill shot that ends the movie. GPC: [at the sight of a building labeled "Oasis"] Anyway, here's "Wonderwall." Drake : Stumpy, get out of there, you're a sitting duck! Stumpy: Just keep that override down!!! Crow: Yeah, and maximize the wiffle hoofer, and triangular the single framler and coagulate the preflamer!!! Crow: And lo, did the white people flee into the desert, soon to create Scottsdale, Arizona. Beyond Atlantis Emily Connor: Can't believe I'm really on the dark side of the moon. Max: Well, as a matter of fact, it's all dark. Emily: Well, the stimulator bots have already absorbed the behavior of Jonah's bots within seconds. Servo: And your point? Emily: That's not gonna be problematic... Crow: I'll tell you what's problematic, your soul's gonna get crushed within seconds! Emily: I'm used to it, I'm on Twitter. Emily: I guess we hosts have to stick together. Jonah: Actually, historically we hosts have never stuck together. Kind of a host-eat-host world. Emily: Oh really? 'Cause maybe working together you'd have been able to escape. I mean, how'd you do 20 of these experiments and never try outsmarting the Mads? I mean, I hate to use strong language but... they seem kind of dumb. Jonah: Yes, yes yes yes yes, good point! Perhaps with the proper cooperation, this forced vacation can be brought to a cessation! Emily: Huh? Why are you talking in rhymes all of a sudden? Jonah: I will tell you later why I speak in rhyme, but unfortunately now, you've got- [buzzer sounds] Emily: MOVIE SIGN! Beyond Atlantis (movie) Servo: My friend, Ja Rule told me that Fyre Fest would be here. [as a woman stands on East Eddie during his massage] Emily: Oh, she can finally clean that fan. East Eddie: Feast your eyes on this. Servo: Anything to take our eyes off of that. Logan: That's a Tuscarora! Crow: No, that's a pearl. Logan: It's worth a thousand pesos, maybe more. Where'd you get it? Emily: From a wet scared guy. East Eddie: Can you fence it? Logan: Fence? Hell, it'll go like wildfire! These are rare, I haven't seen one in years. East Eddie: There's a lot more where that came from. Servo: I got a guy shoving sand into oysters as we speak. East Eddie: I'll supply, you deal, we'll split down the middle. Crow: Splitting it? That's almost like half! Logan: [shaking East Eddie's hand] Put 'er there, pard! Emily: You got it, 'ner! Logan: Eddie, you got money, and I'm a diver. Now all we need's a boat and some good equipment. You can pick 'em up for a song. Just give me a small advance, I can have us moving in a couple of days. Emily: Uh, is she washing him with a chicken cutlet? East Eddie: Listen, I know where you're coming from, and the idea's out of sight, but I want Vic Mathias in on this. He's an expert diver, he has his own boat, and he knows the islands like the back of his hand. Logan: It's no good, it won't work. If we bring him in, we've got to make it a three-way scene. East Eddie: So we'll split it three ways! Emily [as Logan]: Ugh, but we're a dynamic duo, not a terrific trio! Logan: No, we don't need him! East Eddie: I want him! He'll keep us honest. Crow [as East Eddie]: What are we, crooks? Logan: Eddie, believe me, I know the region better than Mathias. I lived on the islands for five years, I've covered every inch of 'em. We can do it alone! Just tell me where you found them. It's probably an island I used to live on. [East Eddie laughs hard] Servo [as East Eddie]: [hysterical] You can't live on an island! It's surrounded by WATER! How would you even get there??? HA HA HA!!! Servo [as Logan]: Wait a minute, how am I sitting across from me? Emily: [when an armed guard does nothing in regards to a nearby fight] Really low AI on the NPCs in this game. East Eddie: I'm speaking to him in a dialect he can't refuse to understand! Emily: Esperanto. East Eddie: The truth! Crow: Is East Eddie the bad guy??? East Eddie: And you talk to me in English! Servo: That's why American tourists are beloved the world over. Nereus: Only hurt and destruction can come from the feelings within you. It is your destiny to mate with an outsider, not to love him. Crow: Island Tinder. Vic Mathias: [to Syrene] I don't love you. Emily [as Syrene]: Okay, Syrene, play it cool. Don't let him know he's hurt you... [Syrene runs out of the hut] Crow: She really runs like a mermaid. [Mathias slowly exits his hut to watch her run off] Servo [as Mathias]: Wait. Stop. Come back. Syrene: There is still another place. Emily: Where the watermelons grow? Logan: You've been holding out. Syrene: It's very deep. Logan: Yeah, but it's got pearls in it, right? Syrene: According to the lore of my people, the Rizion Channel has hundreds upon hundreds of pearls. Crow: Boring mythology, but okay. Logan: You've seen them? Syrene: No, but others in my village have. Emily [as Syrene]: And the fish down there? Totally naked. Logan: What are we waiting for? Servo [as Syrene]: You mean, "For what are we waiting?" Syrene: It's very dangerous. Logan You only live once. Emily: Logan invented YOLO? Take that, Drake. Crow: This movie is just a series of nice landscapes ruined by weird people. [as the villagers carry Syrene's casket boat into the ocean] Emily: To be fair, this movie makes me want to walk into the ocean, too. ... Emily: I don't think some of these extras were prepared for how deep this was gonna get. Servo: No one was. Crow: Ariel's burial. Munchie Munchie (movie) [as Gage begins daydreaming about an awards ceremony in class] Jonah: Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Fracties! The night where fractions come out to shine. Male Announcer: It's my honor to read the name of the student whom you have chosen as your next student body president. [is given an envelope] Envelope please, thank you. [gives it to the woman next to him] Crow [as the announcer]: I can't read. Female Announcer: And the winner is... GPC: La La Land! Oh, not again... Female Announcer: Gage Dobson! [the students cheer and applaud] Servo [as voiceover announcer]: This is Gage Dobson's first win after being nominated for such daydreams as What If I Were a Robot With a Sword For an Arm? and Naked Book Report II. [as Gage accepts a trophy] Jonah: Okay, and cue the bucket of pigs blood. [Mrs. Blaylok suddenly appears by Gage] Crow [as Blaylok/Kanye West]: I'mma let you finish... Mrs. Blaylok: The problem on the board, how can we arrive at a sum? Jonah: BODY once told me the world is gonna Munchie! Gage Dobson: Do you think you'll ever get this Jeep running? Professor Cruikshank: This bucket of bolts? Of course I will! Then I'll have to think of something to do with these hands. Crow: Don't, you'll go blind! Dobson: Hey, where are you gonna sleep tonight? Munchie: Pal, any place is an improvement over that box. Actually, I was sort of hoping I could bunk down with you. Crow, Servo, and Jonah: Ew. Dobson: You're gonna have to make your own bed though. Munchie: Don't worry about me, Pal. Hammer, nails, I come prepared. Jonah: Pontius Pilate sends his regards. [as Munchie sits at a computer, and the puppet clumsily types on the keyboard] Munchie: Okay, let's go. Let's see what kind of grades this kid's got. Jonah: He just spelled "jkfghfgl." Leon Daggett: [dazed] I... am gonna kill... you. Crow [as Leon]: Once... I deal... with this brain hem...o...rrhage. [after Gage punches Leon out cold into a laundry cart] Servo [as Gage]: Violence is the answer! [shot of Leon in a dazed state as the laundry cart rolls into the showers] Jonah: Wasn't football gonna do that anyway? I mean... Servo [as Gage]: You just got en-Gaged! No wait, that's not it... something with Gage. [several other classmates cheer for Gage] Jonah: Gage's understudies. Gym Teacher: Alright, break it up. Head for class. Gage, we gotta talk! Crow [as Gym Teacher]: You're guilty of manslaughter, bud! Elliot: This is the most important thing I've ever asked anyone in my life. Crow [as Elliot]: Can you get me out of this movie? Munchie: Gage, you should never ask for anything unless you really want it. Dobson: I know. Crow: Is that what the puppet team said to the concept artist for this movie? Cathy: [interrupting the party] Gaaage! Servo: Garfield! Jonah: Dennis! Crow: Malcolm! Servo: ALLLVIIIN!!! Jonah: It's comforting to see Munchie in a body bag. [as the faces of the characters show during the closing credits] Jonah: Cathy was sentenced to twelve years in prison for fraudulent catering charges on Elliot's missing credit card. Crow: Elliot died on the prison farm and was vivisected by the other inmates. No charges have been filed. Servo: Professor Cruikshank was arrested for hijacking and held indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay. He does not expect a trial. [as Gage is shown] Jonah: Hang on, main character, but fourth billed? Ouch. Doctor Mordrid Doctor Mordrid (movie) Emily: [during a long panning shot of Mordrid's room during the title sequence] I think the camera operator might just be lost. [during an establishing shot of Rio de Janiro and the Christ the Redeemer statue] Crow: For God so loved the world thiiis much. Kabal: [pouring out a thick liquid onto the ground] Beyond the barrier of heaven and earth, let it go free into a closed dwelling. May it cause it to enter. Emily: The world has never seen such evil caramel. Kabal: Primum materialis... GPC 2: Lorem ipsum! Kabal: Release this blood of the earth. May it find its place with the philosopher's stone. Emily Now in America, that's sorcerer's stone. Samantha Hunt: Oh listen, I was curious about- [Dr. Mordrid uses his medallion to freeze time and vanish] Servo: Dr. Mordrid, sorcerer supreme, uses his incredible powers to escape awkward small talk. [Mordrid opens a chest and begins browsing through scrolls] Servo [as Mordrid] Let's see, Dead Sea Scrolls, exalted scrolls, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, yes! [Samantha tries to open Mordrid's door, only to be burned by the doorknob] Servo: One does not simply walk into Mordrid's. [during an interrogation] Mordrid: I have to tell you something. Emily [as Mordrid]: I'm pregnant. Mordrid: Show you something, so that you'll comprehend the magnitude of why I cannot be held here any longer. Servo [as Mordrid]: Through the medium of dance. Samantha: Everything we say is being recorded. Emily [as Samantha]: We're live on Twitch. Thanks to Donkey Dan for the three month sub. Adrian: Oh look dude, the master protects me from your puny weapons! You ain't got- [Gaudio shoots him in the leg] Emily [as Adrian]: My jelly pants! Adrian: IT HURTS! Gaudio: Call him an ambulance. Crow [as police officer]: You're an ambulance, sir. Crow: I can't believe Dr. Mordrid was a Christmas movie the whole time! Emily: Well, okay, but it wasn't though. Servo: But there was a Christmas tree in it. Emily: Well a Christmas tree doesn't make it a Christmas movie. 101 Dalmatians has a Christmas tree in it. Crow: Well, what if it takes place on Christmas, and has a Christmas tree in it? Servo: Like Die Hard. Emily: Okay, it doesn't matter. Look at the release date. Die Hard came out July 15th, 1988. It's a summer blockbuster, not a Christmas movie. Servo: How do you know when Die Hard came out? Emily: I have this discussion a lot. Crow: So if it came out at any point other than the Christmas season, it's not a Christmas movie? Emily: That's right. Servo: What about Nightmare Before Christmas? Emily: Well, released October 13th, obviously a Halloween movie. Crow: Elf? Emily: Well, released November 7th, an early Thanksgiving parable about found families and sugar consumption. Servo: It's a Wonderful Life? Emily: While, actually released on January 7th, it's a New Year's morality play about the evils of forgetfulness. Servo: So according to Newton's third law of motion, any movie that comes out in the Christmas season is a Christmas movie? Emily: Me and Newton are on the same page there. Crow: Then Titanic is a Christmas movie! Emily: Yep. And I'll die on this hill, and if the hill comes out in late December, I'll call it a Christmas hill. Demon Squad Joel: Hey, Dr. Erhardt, I haven't seen you in several millenia. How's the mad biz treating you? Dr. Erhardt: Oh, you know, Joel. It ebbs and flows. More of a hobby at this point. Joel: I gotcha. Really glad to hear your voice caught up with you too. That shrill nagging tone you always had was really grating on the ears. Dr. Erhardt: [shrill-voiced] It's a hormonal disorder, you little piece of sh- Kinga: GENTLEMEN! Bonsey: Wait... who was that guy again? Ardy: I'll tell you later. Movie in the hole! Demon Squad (movie) Daisy O'Reilly: ...I am about to use this thing for scrap. We need something that'll stay on more than ten minutes at a time. Nick Moon: Those things still cost money, right? Daisy: Thing's older than I am. Nick Moon: Still works harder. Crow: Says the drunk guy. Daisy: As I keep saying, I would happily work hard at the job I thought I was hired for. Servo [as Nick Noon]: Well I thought I needed a jaded barista. Nick Moon: We settled this. You're lucky I even hired you. Daisy: It helped that I was the only applicant. Joel: Ooh, another LinkedIn success story. Nick Moon: Now what can I do for you miss... Delilah Fontaine: Fontaine. Delilah Fontaine. Nick Moon: Miss Fontaine. Delilah: Call me Lilah. Servo [as Nick Moon]: So, Karen... Joel [as Nick Moon]: Leslie... Crow [as Nick Moon]: Sandy... Nick Moon: Any relation to Charles Fontaine? Delilah: He's my father. Nick Moon: Let me stop you there. Servo [as Nick Moon]: Tony. Nick Moon: I don't do missing persons. Delilah: I think you'll find this particular case to be of interest. Nick Moon: Look lady, as much as I'd like to help you, I can't find your old man. It doesn't matter how many zeroes you put on the check. Joel [as Nick Moon]: Because Nick don't do math. Delilah: You really don't have to do this, Nick. I can get a hotel room. Nick Moon: I do this for all my clients. Servo [as Delilah]: Yes, I see them under your bed. Nick Moon: Well, you know. All my attractive, single clients. Crow [as Delilah]: Oh, I get it. You're a pig! Delilah: What are you going to do? Servo [as Nick Moon]: I just ate 14 dumplings. What do you think? [during an interrogation of a vampire] Nick Moon: What's The Stranger planning? Joel: Stranger Things? Vampire: Well, he has the dagger, so use your imagination. Crow [as Nick Moon]: Hmmm... dragons. Vampire: That's all I know. Now can I go? Servo [as Nick Moon]: Sure, do you need your parking validated? Delilah: [after Nick startles her] I'm starting to see why you're single. Crow [as Nick Moon]: Pretty cool, huh? Nick Moon: [surprised] ... Wow. Servo: Yeah, a real, live woman. Crow, Servo, and Joel: Pretty niiice! Gamera vs. Jiger Bonesy: Gamera? I could really go for some turtle meat. Gamera vs. Jiger (movie) [during the opening credits montage] Servo: I guess we're watching Gamera's acting reel now? Crow: Has Gamera been in other movies? Jonah: Oh yeah, Gamera's been in a lot of movies. Gamera vs. Guiron, Gamera vs. Gyaos, Gamera vs. Barugon, Gamera vs. The Bridges of Madison County, and Gamera vs. Kramer vs. Kramer. Crow: Wow, I didn't realize that Gamera was such a versatile performer. Jonah: Oh, totally. Servo: Yeah, he's like the Meryl Streep of giant turtle actors. He's not afraid to do intimate character work. Jonah: Yeah, that's what I like about him. Hiroshi: [about a miniature submarine] Will it really dive, or is this model a toy? Hiroshi's Father: No, it's a real miniature submarine. But the trouble is, it's too real, and goes too far down. Servo [as Hiroshi's Father]: Like my serotonin. Jonah: Gamera is like the original fidget spinner. [after Jiger shoots Gamera with darts] Crow: Jiger's all like, "Why don't we put a pin in this?" [Jiger charges Gamera and rams him] Jonah: Jiger uses dash! It's super effective! [a ship's doctor takes a drink of liquor] Servo: Second opinion from Dr. Jim Bean. [as the statue is unloaded] Hiroshi: They'll unload it. Susan: [in a heavy hard to understand accent] These men should teach you a lesson. They're not afraid if some old curse gets them. Crow: If anyone needs subtitles in this movie, it's her. Servo: Let's call this monster Axl Rose, because he's got an appetite for destruction. [as the Gamera theme plays] Servo, Crow, and Jonah: [singing] Gamera flies like a plane! He likes pleasure mixed with pain! Never kink shame Gamera! [as Gamera is wounded and beaten by Jiger, and Gamera slowly retreats] Crow [as Gamera]: [singing] It's not just my arm that is bleeding / It's part of my neck meat as well / But it's mainly my ego that's bleeding / Why must I come out of my shell? Jonah [as Gamera]: [singing] Sure, everyone knows me as Gamera / The turtle the kids all adore / But if I get stabbed by a Jiger / Will they even like me anymore? Servo [as Gamera]: [singing] For the love of the children is fickle / You have it, then it disappears / They'll love you, and leave you tomorrow / As soon as the city smoke disappears. Crow [as Gamera]: [singing] You'd say Gamera, sure he's got everything / The power, flight, looks, and fame / Then into town swims Kaiju come lately / They don't even remember my name. Jonah [as Gamera]: [singing] Gamera's the friend of all children / Of that, the whole world can agree / Oh Gamera's friends with the children / But who gives their friendship to me? Servo [as Gamera]: [singing] Sure, I've been singing a long time / I'm a ham with a long way to go / Because after all, I'm a turtle / And turtles do everything slow. Servo, Crow, and Jonah: [singing] And turtles do everything slooow... [as Hiroshi and Tommy navigate the miniature submarine through Gamera's lungs] Jonah: This is the most stressful game of Operation ever played. [as Hiroshi and Tommy venture out into Gamera's lung] Jonah: [singing] Come with me, and you'll see, a world of turtle respiration! Steal your dad's submarine, and attempt resuscitation. Hiroshi: Tommy, I think this is it over here. Dr. Matsui, there's a small hole in his side. Dr. Matsui: A hole? Be very careful. Servo: Watch out for snakes. [as the Gamera theme plays and Gamera flies off with Jiger's dead body] Servo, Crow, and Jonah: [singing] Gamera take the body home! Gonna eat the flesh from bone! Keto diet Gamera! Crow: Oh weird, they're being trailed by cans and a banner that says "Just married". Servo, Crow, and Jonah: [singing] Gamera's a movie that has no end in sight! No going home! This is now your life! The Batwoman The Batwoman (movie) [as the Batwoman rides a horse through a Mexican village to a jazz melody] Emily: Wow, Gotham got hit hard by the recession. Crow: Spaghetti westerns only wish they were Sultry Jazz Westerns. [as reporters crowd Batwoman] Emily: Batwoman, when will you release your tax returns? Servo: Batwoman, what's your position on pants? Crow: Is it true the Snyder Cut of Batwoman has 25% more spearfishing? Dr. Eric Williams: You're about to witness the discovery of the century! Servo [as Williams]: Stock footage! Dr. Williams: From the depths of the ocean, over 400 million years ago, surfaced the beginnings of the human race! Emily: Is this a Scientology pitch? Dr. Williams: And it all began with the first vertebrate, the fish! Starting from that point, we will make the regress into the dawn of evolution. Crow: Oh, edibles are hitting. Dr. Williams: And we will create a new being with the likeness of our ancestors: a human amphibious hybrid! [laughs maniacally] Emily: Oh, now I hate when comedians laugh at their own jokes. Crow: Well, Danny Elfman lost his job to an alarm clock. Henchman: [bringing Batwoman to Dr. Williams] Boss, look who we found! Get in here! [Batwoman begins to fight the henchmen] Crow: Pow! Servo: Biff! [Dr. Williams grabs a scalpel and moves for Batwoman] Emily: Grab! Crow: Lunge! [Batwoman grabs a beaker of acid and throws it in Dr. Williams' face] Servo: Acid! Servo: Batwoman, the movie that dares to say, "We rented an underwater camera, and we're going to get every last peso out of it!" [a car pulls out as a drum set plays the start of some upbeat music] Servo: I do not like the sound of that transmission. [during a car chase scene involving henchmen and Batwoman] Servo: [singing to the chase music] Baaatwoman swerves. Baaatwoman drives. With Baaatwoman nerve, Baaatwoman jives! Emily: See, this is why you've got to have a dashcam. [Batwoman honks her horn at the henchmen] Crow: Ah, yeah. Honk your horn. That'll show 'em. [as Batwoman swims through a school of fish] Emily: I'm pretty sure she was in the Aquabats. Servo: Well, she's in Phish now. Crow: Clearly. [Batwoman is chased into an underwater patch of kelp] Servo: Kelp! I need somebody... Emily: Please no. Please no. Servo: I get by with a little kelp from my friends... Crow: No no no, you really shouldn't. Servo: Sorry. I can't kelp myself. Crow and Emily: Uuugh! Dr. Williams: It'll be interesting to see if a woman can survive this kind of surgery and restore her pineal fluids without dying. Up to date, no man has been able to, but maybe the female gender is actually the most adequate to carry out this experiment for biological reasons. Mario: You're insane, doctor! Dr. Williams: You may be right, but as a matter of fact, there's an invisible line separating insanity and genius! Servo: The Kanye line. The Million Eyes of Sumuru Bonsey: Oh, this one sounds familiar. Ardy: Shhhh... Servo: [dressed as Sir Anthony] Well old chaps, let's go over this bally mission one last time, what what? Jonah: Huh? Crow: [dressed as Medika] It's simple. HMG and the CIA need you to get the VIP from the USA in his BMW to the HMV near the BBC with his DB at an ETA of 9:00 AM GMT. Jonah: Huh? Crow: Greenwich Mean Time! Servo: Jolly good, and I've arranged for the VP of HMV to arrive in a GMC supplied by MI5 ASAP with a 4k HDTV tuned to HGTV with a soundtrack by the Bee Gees. Jonah: Huh?! Crow: Pay attention! This all has to go like clockwork! Servo: Yes yes, the CW. So anyway, FYI... Jonah: Oh, I know that one! For your information. Crow: Don't be ridiculous! That's Federal Yellowdress Informant. She'll meet the BMW at the UN with the USMC, BTO, CCR, and UB40 while you ROTFL on AOL, then BRB so we can TTYL. Jonah: Talk to you later. Crow: Correct! Jonah: Ah! Then why'd you- oh you... Servo: Precisely. Oklahoma University. So you see, the MC5 will approach the NSA VIP with their new CD on the QT, in the MI5 BMW at the VW and OMG, IRL, IMO, BTW, LOL, BRB. ABC NBC CBS AMC TNT CMA GMO ASPCA UCLA YMCA ICUP, OK? Crow: Yeah, what do you say to that? Jonah: Uh, OWGMS. Crow and Servo: Huh? [movie sign sounds] Jonah Oh, we got movie sign! The Million Eyes of Sumuru (movie) [a bridge explodes as a funeral parade passes over it] Crow: It's a boy! Jonah: Yay! Jonah [as spy]: [as a female spy takes off her sunglasses and looks into the camera] Hello viewer, there were five mistakes in that scene. Can you name them all? Medika: [being wheeled away by a group of women] Mr. West! Nick West: Hey, wait a minute! Crow [as a nurse]: But we have to surgery. [Nick runs to the group of women as they turn to him with medical tools] Jonah [as a nurse]: Feet in the stirrups, come on buddy. Nick West: Look ladies. My blue cross is all paid up. [a nun sneaks behind him and incapacitates him] Servo [as nun]: Sorry, but this is out of network. Jonah [as nun]: And then there were nun! [the nun slowly looks into the camera with an evil smile] Ha. Get it? [Sumuru is handed a gun] Nick West: What's that thing? Servo [as Sumuru]: It's for mommy's headaches. Servo: Frankie Avalon's hair comes courtesy of Build-A-Bear Workshop. Sumuru: Erno, are his clothes packed? Erno: Yes, my lady. Nick West: Oh dear, I hope you were careful with that blue suit. It creases so. Crow [as Sumuru]: Burn the suit. Sumuru: And take care of his bill. Nick West: Yes, I wouldn't like to have an unpaid hotel bill on my conscience. Sumuru: Keep joking, Mr. West. Crow, Servo, and Jonah: Please don't. Sumuru: You will be finished with jokes before the night is out. Crow, Servo, and Jonah: Us too. Nick West: I was beginning to run out of material anyway. Crow, Servo, and Jonah: Agreed. [Helga undresses behind a curtain as a shirtless Tommy Carter sits with his back to it] Crow [as Frankie Avalon]: I don't get it. Why aren't I making out right now? I'm Frankie Avalon! Is the universe playing a joke on me? ... [Helga comes out from behind the curtain, wrapped in a towel] Crow: Sham-wow! Tommy Carter: Well, what'd you have in mind? Helga: Well, to prove to you I have no concealed weapons... [reveals herself to Tommy Carter, who smiles] Servo [as Frankie Avalon]: It's about damn time. I'm Frankie Avalon! [Tommy Carter drops his pistol] Jonah: Bang! [as Sumuru whips Nick West in a dungeon] Servo: Okay, if there are any kids watching, it's past your bedtimes. H.G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come H.G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come (movie) [a robot presses a big red "cancel" button] Emily: Meanwhile, at Netflix... [shot of a computer screen giving various readings] Servo [as an officer]: It's called Twitter. It's gonna be great for the discourse. [Dr. John Caball dons a silver radiation suit] Servo: Chernobyl for a prom theme. What were they thinking? Crow [as Dr. Caball]: Alright, you're gonna wanna cook me at 350 degrees for about 70 minutes, you'll know when I'm done when a fork easily pierces my skin. Load me up with butter and don't skimp on the chives. I'm a potato. [as Dr. Caball gazes out into space] Dr. Caball: Well, we're on our way. Out there is the vastness of space... the unknown... Crow: It's only a model. Kim Smedley: Funny, I still think of myself as an Earth child. Servo: Emily, do you still think of yourself as an Earth child? Emily: Oh, I don't know. Ask me after I've been here for seven years. Crow: Uh, no human has ever lived here that long. Just ask the other guys. Emily: Wait, what? Sparks: [to Jason Caball] Let me lead the way. Emily: Aw, that's sweet. Would you guys ever escort me into a dangerous unknown situation? Servo: Uh, I'd walk with you so I could better criticize your choices. Crow: I'd let you walk in front of me so you could shield me from the worst of the shrapnel. Servo: And I'd definitely film the whole thing for WorldStarHipHop. Crow and Servo: WorldStar! Emily: Hey, what would you call an almost perfect ripoff of the USS Enterprise? Servo: The USS Compromise. [as Omus tortures Dr. Caball with high pitched sound, causing him to scream and spasm] Emily: You know, I do the same thing when I can't get "Baby Shark" out of my head either. The Mask Max: Good evening, Jonah. Prepare yourselves for a night of thrills, chills, and since I'm making soup, very likely spills. Kinga: Max, I told you to get Growler and M. Waverly to clear away those cobwebs! The Gizmoplex looks like the inside of Charles Addams' coffin. Max: I just thought, because it's Halloween and all- Kinga: You thought you'd be lazier than usual? Clean it up! Max: Fine, but if the Great Pumpkin doesn't show up, I'm blaming you. Kinga: Uh, there is no Great Pumpkin. Haven't you ever seen the end of the special? Max: I never get that far, because it's too scary! The Mask (movie) [when the Warner Brothers logo appears] Jonah: Warner Brothers? Are we in the right theater? Jim Moran: I've seen masks unearthed from the ruins of crumbling tombs and masks hanging in exotic temples to ward off evil spirits. Jonah [as Jim Moran]: And goofy ghosts. Jim Moran: [beckons to a decorated skull shaped mask] But nowhere, in all my travels, have I seen anything to compare to the power of this mask... Crow: The Misfits logo! Jim Moran: ... and the horrible curse it bears. This is the mask in which our story revolves, and I can tell you that even though I'm not superstitious, I wouldn't put it on for all the wealth of the Indies. Jonah [as Jim Moran]: Or a Klondike bar. Dr. Allan Barnes: Exactly what is this mask? Michael Radin: [under duress] The mask is to blame. You're just not aware of its power. GPC [as Michael]: It's toxic mask-ulinity. [dramatic chord as Michael commits suicide offscreen, and a Chinese themed bobblehead shakes its head] Jonah: For a bobblehead, you're really judgemental. And racist. Crow [as bobblehead]: Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye... [Mrs. Kelly knocks on the door] Servo [as Mrs. Kelly]: Michael? I heard low brass. Did something ominous just happen, Michael? [Mrs. Kelly opens the door] Michael where are- oh! [Mrs. Kelly screams in horror] [a shot of Michael's body under a cover, his hands in a rigid form] Jonah: He died doing what he loved: jazz hands. [as Dr. Barnes puts the mask on, and enters a hellish demonic trance] Crow, Servo, and Jonah: You don't know what we can find, why don't you come with me, Dr. Barnes, on a 3D carpet ride! Crow: Is this what it feels like to chew 5 Gum? [shot of a skull with its eyes] Servo: Ack ack! Ack ack ack! [the skull dissolves leaving only the eyes, which zoom forward past the screen repeatedly] Jonah: Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! Pam Albright: Allan, I want you to get help from someone. Someone you can trust. Crow [as Pam]: Like Jake, from Statefarm. Dr. Barnes: Trust? There's no one I can trust. Servo [as Dr. Barnes]: Not even Flo from Progressive. Jonah: This movie is like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, seen through the migraine-inducing idea of 3D glasses. [Dr. Barnes takes off the mask] Crow: Thank you for using Mask. Be sure not to operate heavy machinery after applying mask. Servo: Do not combine Mask with alcohol or other masks. Jonah: Mask is not responsible for any car chases or murders the operator commits. Crow: Side-effects include greasy face and crunchy pants. Ask your doctor about Mask today. Pam Albright: Do you have to take the drug again, Allan? Is it like an addiction that builds until every pore of your body craves for it? Breathes for it? Is that what you feel, Allan? [Dr. Barnes covers his ears and leans against a bookshelf] Crow [as Dr. Barnes]: I can't hear you! I'm a book now! Pam Albright: The need to satisfy the beast that's eating into you? Servo: [singing] There's a hunger inside you... Pam Albright: And when you put it on again, what will it be like? Servo: [singing] Won't go away... Pam Albright: Like a shot, a jolt, a charge that cools your burning body? Crow: It's grease lightning! Pam Albright: Will it lift you up and carry you along until you're ready to be plunged down again? Deeper, deeper, each time deeper until you die?! Dr. Barnes: Shut up, SHUT UP! Servo [as Dr. Barnes]: You're killing me with this Word Jazz! Pam Albright: Tell me I'm not right. Jonah [as Hank Hill]: That Pam ain't right. Pam Albright: [on the phone] Police department, please. Servo [as Pam]: Yes, I'm white. The Bubble Kinga: Your experiment today, Joel, may possibly be one of the worst films we've ever presented. Sorry, not sorry. Joel: Hey, how bad could it be? I had to riff Manos. Kinga: Ardy? Ardy: Oh, this movie's upsetting on a profound existential level. I'd advise you to put a disclaimer on it ASAP if you're still intending to use it as part of the experiment. Kinga: So on a scale from Mitchell to Monsters-a-Go-Go, where would you say this lands? Ardy: Ah, well let me put it this way. We built the whole Kingachrome system around Manos: The Hands of Fate and even that didn't have the effect this movie's having on our facility. This may just be the wolf mother of all bad movies. Kinga: You think you're so smart, Robinson. "I had to watch Manos. Da da da da da-" HA! Face the cinematic claustrophobia that is The Bubble. FLUSH THEM THE MOVIEEEEE! Ardy: Movie in the hole! The Bubble (movie) [as Catherine enters labor] Mark: I don't know what to do. Catherine: You're taking all this too seriously. After all now, what's childbirth? Just a sexy bellyache. Joel: Is it? Catherine: Oh God, this one's king-sized! Mark: Honey, I'm sorry. Crow: It's too late for that. Catherine: What's there to be sorry about? I wanna hatch him out. I'm tired of being his big fat private incubator. Mark: Well, just hold on for a little while longer. We'll be out of this. This guy's a hell of a pilot. Servo [as Mark]: According to Craigslist. Catherine: Better be a hell of an obstetrician. Mark: No... just hold it in, please? Joel [as Mark]: Yeah, there's gotta be a rest stop around here, somewhere. Joel: This opening sequence is a clickbait article just waiting to happen. Catherine: By the way, what happened to Mr. Airplane? You know, what's his name? Herric? Mark: Tony Herric. He found himself a saloon, and a girl. I think I'm gonna join him. Crow, Servo, and Joel: What?! [as Tony and Mark drive through the mysterious town] Mark: Never seen such mixed up architecture. It almost looks like the backside of a movie lot. Tony: That's it! A movie lot, big deal. Mark: Yeah, of course. Crow [as Mark]: That explains everything. Mark: The people in the costumes, the... the cables coming from underneath the lampposts... Servo [as Mark]: This guy who keeps yelling at me to act better. Mark: But I don't see any- any cameras, Tony. Tony: Friend, all I want is the exit. Joel [as Tony]: One of these warp pipes should get us out of here. ... Tony: Ah, to hell with it, all I want's my plane. Servo: All I want's the end credits. Servo: You know, it just dawned on me. They're really having a tough time. Crow: Yeah, this movie's helping me put my little problems into perspective. Joel: That's right, my little robot friends, no matter how bad your day is, you can always say "At least I'm not in Arch Oboler's The Bubble." Servo: But, we are watching Arch Oboler's The Bubble, and that's pretty bad. Joel: Yeah, I guess I'm sorry I tried to cheer us up. This blows. Mark: Look, isn't it about time? Servo: Uh-oh... Mark: That you face reality? Joel: Oh, apt thing to say to a new mom. Catherine: Reality? What reality? Crow: You're soaking in it. Catherine: That either I'm in some kind of a nightmare from which I can't want up, or if what you say is true, then... then I'm part of a human zoo. Servo: You make it sound so metal. Catherine: I'd rather be in that nightmare. Joel: This is why you talk about human zoos before you get married. Mark: In a zoo? Were we so free before? Was I, the nine to five routine year after year? Catherine: But Mark, to live like an animal under the eye of- Mark: Since when haven't I been under an eye? Catherine: As a child. Mark: As a child, hell, first, first there was school, then there was the army, then after the army, the job. Crow [as Mark]: Then came army school. Mark: When hadn't there been some kind of eye watching over me? Stop tearing yourself apart over a world that doesn't even exist anymore. Servo: The end! Mark: Be grateful for this one. Well what's the matter with this place? Crow [as Catherine]: Dull. Mark: The walk? Keeps out meanness and hate. Joel: And entertainment. Mark: Yeah, even the bomb. Crow: Whoa, that's heavy. Catherine: They're walking dead! Mark: Well, we're not they. We don't eat what they eat. Look, we know what we're doing. Servo [as Mark]: We're chill. Mark: We can live out our lives here, Cath, and by ourselves in perfect health and perfect security. Joel [as Mark]: Thanks to ADT. Mark: Well what's wrong with that? Catherine: I... I look up there... and I think to myself... Crow [as Louis Armstrong]: What a bubbleful world! [as Mark walks along the bubble barrier in a daze] Servo: This is what I imagine it feels like to work for Amazon. Crow: It finally happened. I'm completely out of things to say! It's like riffing on the same movie over and over and over again! I CAN'T TAKE IT! THE BUBBLE IS REAL!!! AHHHHH! [runs out of the theater] Servo and Joel: Wonder what he wanted. The Christmas Dragon Bonsey: God help us, everyone. Ardy: Movie in the ho-ho-hole! Crow: So, now I'm totally confused about Christmas. GPC 2: Yeah, does this mean Rudolph can breathe fire? Servo: And how does the magic crystal figure into the nativity story? Ugh, whoever interpreted the Dead Sea Scrolls really dropped the ball on this one. Jonah: It feels like we're moving! Emily: Well let's make it count boys, let's do the theme song! Jonah: Which one? There's like 12. Joel: Uh, I only know the lyrics to Mike's. The Christmas Dragon (movie) [Gazared and Boomtall approach Ayden's parents] Gazared: Taxes. Ayden's Mother: Do you steal from every person you collect, or just us? Gazared: Are you going to give me the payment, or do you need... persuading? Ayden's Father: I'm not giving you anything. I shall deliver my payment to Lord Rothford himself. Gazared: I don't think our lord visits many men in the dungeon. Arrest him! [thugs draw swords and approach] Crow [as a thug]: Alright, certified public accountants, let's crunch some numbers! [Ayden's Father punches a thug, starting a brief fight] Crow, Servo, and Emily: [singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! Ayden: [comes out of hiding] No! Servo [as Ayden]: File an extension! Ayden's Father: [stops the fight] Alright! Alright. Enough. Emily [as Gazared]: Really? You were winning. Ayden's Father: I'll get the money. Crow [as Ayden's Father]: We can Airbnb our hut. Ayden's Father: Just don't hurt her. Gazared: I wouldn't dream of hurting her. Not when I can get such a fair price for another child in the mines. Get them in the wagon! [the struggle resumes] Crow, Servo, and Emily: [singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! Fin: Where's Garrett? Servo [as Ayden]: He decided to leave us and join a family of giraffes with his long neck and all. [sobs] [as Rand baits a hook and tosses it in the river] Ayden: Good idea, Rand. You see? If we all work together, we can make it. Joel [as Ayden]: But not if we keep throwing all our food in the water. Hoyt: What do you think you're going to catch? Servo: Lyme disease. [a river monster rams and topples the boat and its occupants] Crow, Servo, and Joel: [singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! Crow: Disney's Jungle Cruise claims another five souls. Servo: Drinking age, 21. Life expectancy, 16. So unfair. [as Arik beckons for the orphans to keep quiet as they approach a dragon] Servo [as Arik/Elmer Fudd]: Be vewy vewy qwuiet. We don't have a permit to film here. Huhuhuh. [as Ayden befriends the dragon] Servo: It's the look of Spielbergian awe you can only get by staring lovingly at a tennis ball taped to a stick on a Toronto sound stage. Ayden: [to the dragon] Stay off that wing. Jonah [as the dragon]: [the dragon nods] Alright, mom. Ayden: Even though it's healing fast, no flying. You need your rest. Crow [as Ayden]: And if DreamWorks lawyers come, we were never here. Saerwen: Don't worry... Servo [as Saerwen]: I left money for pizza. Saerwen: You've created a sacred bond with her. You two will always be able to find one another. Jonah: Thanks to social media. [Arik approaches them] Crow: Third wheel alert. Ayden: We're going north. Catch up with us when you can. Servo [as the dragon]: I get it. You guys can't afford to put me in the next couple scenes, can you? [as Arik and Saerwen kiss] Jonah [as Arik]: Come on, let's give these kids something to talk to their therapist about. [as the dragon is hooked to Father Christmas' sleigh] Emily: Oh man, guys look, they sleighed the dragon. Joel: Oh, that's neat. Jonah: Oh, come on, Emily... [as Father Christmas, the dragon, and the orphans dive at Gazared and her thugs] Jonah [as Ayden]: The spirit of the yuletide! Faster, Santa! KILL! KILL! [Gazared and the thugs jump into a river] Emily [as Father Christmas]: Eat tinsel, bastards! Joel [as Father Christmas]: Alright, now let's turn around and finish them off! We'll go after their families, and to all a goodnight! Jonah, Emily, and Joel: Ho ho ho!