Zorro, The Gay Blade

Zorro, the Gay Blade is a 1981 feature film. This comedy features George Hamilton in a Golden Globe-nominated dual role as both Don Diego de la Vega (Zorro) and his gay twin brother Bunny Wigglesworth, né Ramon De La Vega. Story and Screenplay by: Johnston McCulley, Hal Dresner, Greg Alt, Don Moriarty, and Bob Randall Directed by: Peter Medak Starring George Hamilton Zexy, Zany, Zensational!taglines Dialogue [Don Diego is lounging in his bed with a beautiful woman.] Veronica: Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm a good wife? Don Diego: Veronica… you are more exciting than Venus herself. Veronica: Then why doesn't my husband ever say that? Don Diego: Because he's not intelligent. He is not intuitive. He is not insightful. [A man leaps through an open but curtained door.] Don Garcia: And he is not in Barcelona! . . . Don Diego: Don Garcia, I am astonished you would enter my house without my permission! Don Garcia: I might say the same thing about you with my wife! Don Diego: I do not wish to insult you, my dear Garcia, but I could fight four men such as you! Don Garcia: You are quite right, Don Diego. Don Diego: You see? Don Garcia: That is why I brought my FIVE BROTHERS! [Diego arrives in Los Angeles.] Don Diego: Los Angeles de California. The birthplace… of me. Don Diego: That is, uh, my servant, Paco. He is a mute. He cannot speak. Captain Esteban: Oh, excellent! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife. Captain Esteban: Your father, I'm sorry to say, had a terrible accident. Don Diego: Accident? Captain Esteban: Sí. He was out riding when his horse was frightened by a turtle. . . . Captain Esteban: My friend — I want you to know that the turtle who caused this has been executed. [The landowners meet to elect a new Alcalde.] Captain Esteban: Caballeros! I believe you all know each other? Don Diego: Don Diego from San Fernando. Don Francisco: Don Francisco from San Jose. Don Fernando: Don Fernando from San Diego. Don Jose: Don Jose from San Bernardino. Luis Obispo: Luis Obispo from Bakersfield. [A peasant is being stretched on the rack.] Captain Esteban: That man was three pesos short in paying his taxes. I can assure you that he will never be short again. Captain Esteban: Arrest that woman! Now! Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, wait! Isn't this the village square, where according to law, everyone is allowed to speak his or her mind? Captain Esteban: You're right, Señorita. [yelling to the crowd] The woman is allowed to speak! But arrest anyone who listens. . . . Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [to the crowd] Let your voices be heard! Oppose the… greedy bloodsuckers! [She drops her pamphlets. Diego picks them up and hands them to her.] Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Thank you. I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee. Don Diego: Don Diego Vega. I'm with the… greedy bloodsuckers. Don Diego: The peoples are quite happy working the land for the caballeros! Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You don't really believe the people are happy! Don Diego: [quietly] All I know is the soldiers are very happy shooting the peoples who say the peoples are not happy. Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Could you tell me where I might find a decent inn? Don Diego: An inn?! With all your talk about the people, I see you like decent inns! And you wear expensive clothes, not the rags. And you smell of the sultry perfumes, not the… ship oil. Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Ship oil? [pauses in puzzlement] You mean the oil from boats? Don Diego: No, ship oil, from the ships in the field. Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [slowly] What ships… in the field? Don Diego: Jou have never heard of the ships in the field? The little, uh… baa-baa-baas? Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Oh, you mean "sheep"! Don Diego: Jes, that is what I said. Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, you said "ship"! Forgive me, but you have a very pronounced accent. Don Diego: Jou're trying to change the subject from the fact that jou are actually… very wealthy. Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I am not… very wealthy! Don Diego: After all, what poor woman can afford three names? Answer me that if you can, Señorita [counting off on his fingers] Charlotte… Taylor… Wilson. [Don Diego reads a letter from his deceased father that he finds among the Zorro accoutrements.] Vega Sr.: The sword, with which to fight injustice. This mask, with which to deceive tyranny. And this hat, which needs… reblocking. [While Diego was reading his father's letter, Paco has donned his own costume, which makes him look like a life-sized teddy bear.] Don Diego: What're you supposed to be, eh, a… duck? A bear? Don't be silly — bears don't have ears like that. I will allow you that you are a… a pig, but that is as far as I will go. That's all. [On the road, Don Diego has defeated an apparent brigand in swordplay.] Tax Collector: I beg your mercy from- from your flashing blade, and— [Paco shows up in bear regalia.] Tax Collector: Ooooh! Oh my God! — also from your hideous dog! [Diego returns the money — and then some — to the old man and his family.] Diego Zorro: You recognize that famous sign, eh? Old Man: Oh, yes, Señor. It is a number "2". Diego Zorro: That is not a "2". That is a "Z"! Old Man: Oh, if you say so, Señor! But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a "2"! Diego Zorro: Well, I say it is a "Z" — for "El Zorro"! Diego Zorro: Spread the news… that he is back! To help the helpless! To befriend the friendless! And to defeat… the feetless! [Zorro escorts Charlotte into the costume party, but Paco the "Bear" is stopped at the door.] Guard: Where is your invitation, Señor Beaver? [The "brigand", who turns out to be the Alcalde's henchman Velasquez, reports to Esteban about his misadventure.] Velasquez: He said his name was, uh… "Zero". He was dressed all in black, and was accompanied by a… hideous dog. [Florinda chats with the mysterious black-clad stranger.] Florinda: You know, as the Alcalde's wife, I must play many, many, many roles, but the people only see the part I play in public. Only a few select friends know my private parts. [Velasquez points out Zorro, who is dancing with Florinda.] Captain Esteban: That man in the black sombrero — this is Zero? Old Man: I am certain of it! Captain Esteban: Then the hideous dog you refer to must be my wife, yeah? [Zorro crosses swords with the Alcalde.] Captain Esteban: Is your blade as sharp as your tongue? Zorro: Is yours as dull as your wit? . . . Captain Esteban: You're a little clumsy, are you not, my friend? Zorro: To be your friend, I would have to be more than clumsy — I would have to be estupid! [Florinda, crawling up a ladder into Diego's bedroom, tells him about Zorro's party intrusion.] Florinda: He made a complete fool out of Esteban. Ha ha! Don Diego: Well, with Esteban, there is so much material to work with! [Florinda moans about her miserable life with Esteban.] Florinda: Do you realize… that we only make love 12 times a year? Don Diego: Once a month is not too bad! Florinda: I mean, 12 times in one night! And then, for the rest of the year — nothing! Don Diego: Tell me… on that one night… does he eat anything especial? Oysters? Raw eggs? Florinda: Garlic. A lot of garlic. Don Diego: Ah! Florinda: Diego, darling! Why didn't I marry you instead of him? Don Diego: Perhaps because he asked you and I did not. [A suspicious, crazed Esteban forces an injured Diego to demonstrate his ability to move about.] Captain Esteban: Now walking and running and jumping in place, and… Esteban, Diego: [in unison] … now walking and running and jumping in place, and now walking and jumping and running in place— Captain Esteban: STOP! [Captain Esteban confronts Don Diego at his home to determine if he is Zorro] Captain Esteban:Now, lisp like a sissy Don Diego:[lisps] Captain Esteban:That's right! Now, swing your hips … Captain Esteban:Excellent! Now flap your wrists … Captain Esteban:And repeat after me [Esteban speaks in a greatly exaggerated sissy voice] "You naughty, naughty, evil Alcalde! I am going to do … many terrible things … TO YOU!" [laughs hysterically] [After Esteban skewers the casket in which Florinda is hiding, he leaves. Diego opens the casket to find Florinda, pressed up against one side.] Don Diego: Florinda, you're not hurt! [She shakes her bosom.] Florinda: Thank God for small favors! [Diego is limping around on his broken foot.] Don Diego: My father would be very ashamed of me now. To come all this distance, and miss my destiny by… a foot. [The mute Paco gestures wildly at Diego.] Don Diego: Are jou jelling at me? [A flamboyant stranger presents himself at Don Diego's home.] Don Diego: I know you? Bunny Wigglesworth: Know me? Sink me! We were once… womb-mates! Bunny Wigglesworth: They say the Navy makes men. Well, I'm living proof — they made me. [Diego's brother Ramon, now "Bunny Wigglesworth", heads inside to greet their father.] Bunny Wigglesworth: … I ought to freshen up and say "Hi-ho!" to the old gent. Tell me, is he still as loud as ever? [Diego looks crestfallen.] Don Diego: No. The last month, he's been very… quiet. [Diego senses a flaw in Bunny's impersonation of Zorro.] Don Diego: Dere is-a something wrong with his bowels. Bunny Wigglesworth: My what? Don Diego: Jour bowels! The way you say your "ah", your "ee", and your… "jooz". [During one of Bunny Zorro's appearances before the people…] Bunny Zorro: And remember, my people — there is no shame in being poor, only dressing poorly! [Outside Diego's home, Bunny is diguised as a priest wearing crisom velvet monk's robe.] Captain Esteban: Tell me, Father — what order commands its priests to wear such strange clothes? Bunny Wigglesworth: We are followers of Peter the Dressmaker. He who was Christ's tailor. [As Bunny Zorro gets a head start on his escape…] Captain Esteban: Ah, Padre, with your permission, I would like to make to you a small donation, if I may, to your order. Bunny Zorro: Your horse and your gold are gift enough! The people thank you, Your Repugnancy! Captain Esteban: Now you mock the Church! Now you have me and God against you! Don Diego: Me too! Captain Esteban: FRUITCAKE! [After hatching his masked-ball plan to trap Zorro, Esteban embraces his wife passionately.] Captain Esteban: Do you know… that little thing… we do… one night… every year? Florinda: Yes! Oh, yes! [Esteban drops her on the floor and walks off.] Captain Esteban: We still have three months to go! Florinda: You fink! [Esteban, dressed rather appropriately as Henry VIII, addresses his guards before the ball.] Captain Esteban: He is cunning! He is crafty. He's not just going to walk in here and say, "Here I am!" [Diego, dressed as Zorro, enters the palace.] Don Diego: Here I am! [Diego admires Florinda's necklace.] Don Diego: It looks like it'll buy the peoples a lot of houses, maybe even some schools and roads. Florinda: Roads? What do the people need roads for? They never go anywhere. [In the women's restroom, Bunny, dressed as a woman, continues to help/hassle Florinda.] Florinda: If you don't stop touching me, I shall have you… destroyed! [Florinda finally escapes Bunny and complains to her husband.] Captain Esteban: Your neck! Florinda: Did that woman bruise me? She's got hands like an gorilla! [She drops her hands to her upper chest, where her necklace isn't.] Esteban, Florinda: Neck! Neck! Neck! Neck! Diego Zorro: Now I know it is permitted for a man to be… bulnerable. Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's "vulnerable". [As the Alcade's men approach, Zorro takes his leave of Miss Wilson.] Diego Zorro: And when I return, we will not have to worry how to pronounce, ah, ah… "bir—" Charlotte Taylor Wilson: "Virgin"! [Esteban calls Zorro's bluff, forcing Zorro to surrender to prevent Charlotte's execution.] Captain Esteban: I have always depended on people being nicer than me, and I have never in my life been disappointed. [The guards move Charlotte away from and Diego onto the execution platform.] Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You're the bravest man I have ever met. Don Diego: [nervously] I'm very impressed with myself, too. Florinda: Isn't he marvelous? Don Fernando: He wears clothes well. I could never get into his pants. Florinda: I bet I could. Guard: … you are sentenced to be executed… until you are dead! Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I have only one regret… Diego Zorro: [to himself] One? I have one for every day I'm not going to live! Bunny Zorro: Two bits, four bits / Six bits, a peso / All for Zorro / Stand up and say so! Don Diego: What jou like for a wedding present? Charlotte Taylor Wilson: For myself, nothing. But I thought for the people, you might donate your land. Don Diego: I give my land to the peoples? If we give away my land, where you think we gonna live? Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Boston! Don Diego: Boston?! Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's really the only civilized city. The best food, the best art, the best music! Don Diego: The best music. You gotta be joking! I spent a week in Boston once, and I don't think I heard a decent Mariachi player in the city! Tagline Zexy, Zany, Zensational ! Cast George Hamilton - Don Diego Vega / Zorro / Bunny Wigglesworth / Ramon Vega Lauren Hutton - Charlotte Taylor-Wilson Brenda Vaccaro - Florinda Ron Leibman - Captain Esteban Donovan Scott - Paco James Booth - Velasquez Helen Burns - Consuelo Clive Revill - Garcia Carolyn Seymour - Dolores Eduardo Noriega - Don Francisco Pilar Pellicer - Don Francisco's wife Jorge Russek - Don Fernando Eduardo Alcaraz - Don Jose Carlos Bravo y Fernández - Don Luis Obispo Roberto Dumont as Ferraro Jorge Bolio - Pablito Frank Welker - Narrator (voice) External links 0083366 Zorro, the Spanish Blade zorro_the_spanish_blade Zorro, the Spanish Blade Category:Comedy films Category:1981 films Category:American western (genre) films Category:1980s American films Category:LGBT-related films Category:Zorro films Category:Films set in California