Sam & Cat

Sam & Cat is an American teen sitcom that premiered June 8, 2013, on Nickelodeon and ran until its cancellation on July 17, 2014. It is a spin-off of both iCarly and Victorious. Episodes #Pilot [1.01] Sam: I don't have anywhere I really need to be, and you kinda seem like you need a roommate. Cat: Are you saying what I think you're saying?! Sam: Yeah. Cat: Your gonna stay here with me in L.A. for a while and help me find a roommate?! Sam: I already found you a roommate! Cat: [throws her money on the couch] Shut up, who is she?! Sam: Me! Cat: Oh my god! [runs and hugs Sam] This is the best day ever! So much better than yesterday when we were in garbage. Sam: Isn't it? Taco Truck Owner: Hey! Aren't you Sam from iCarly? Sam: Are you a cop? Taco Truck Owner: No. Sam: Then Yeah, I'm Sam. Cat: What if I fall in the toilet and get stuck again? Sam: If she gets stuck in the toilet again, would you please text me a pic of that? Dice:  You look like Sam from that web show iCarly. Sam:  Nah, that chick is way hotter than me. Cat:  (giggles) She is Sam! Dice:  Woah, you're awesome! Sam:  Yeah. [Cat gets into the sofa bed next to Sam] Sam:  Uh, what are you doing? Cat:  I'm gonna sleep next to you so you don't get scared. Sam:  I'm not gonna get scare— Oh, whatever. Cat:  So, how long you going to be in L.A.? Sam:  Uh… I don't know. Cat:  Well, don't you want to get back to Seattle? Sam:  Eh, I'm in no rush. I mean, my best friend moved to Italy with her dad, and my mom is kind of a nut job. Little girl:  Can you take Darby?  He's heavy!  [hands the baby to Cat] Cat:  No, you guys, I gotta go!  Here.  [hands the baby to Sam] Sam:  Woah, I don't want this beast!  [places the baby in a flower pot]  Oh, yeah, pretty flowers. Nona:  [inside a sack getting pushed through the front door in a trolley by some young kids]  Aah! Cat:  Nona! Sam:  Nice sack. Sam:  What happened to you? Nona:  Those little demons happened to me! Dice:  And guess what I got today? Cat:  Ooh, is it something? Dice:  I got hair from Will Smith, Katy Perry.  I got Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber— Cat:  How much for the Bieber?! Dice:  Thirty dollars. Cat:  I'll take it! Sam:  Hey!  Don't pick up that trash can!  There's a girl in there! Cat:  Oh, my god!  [gets tipped out of the trash can into a garbage truck] Sam:  C'mon, elderlies love living with other elderlies!  They eat dinner at four o'clock and talk about pills. Cat:  [pulls Sam out from inside the sofa bed]  That's not how you sleep on a sofa bed. Cat:  Oh, please!  You saved me from being squished in garbage!  Let me repay you with the gift of bathing! Dice:  Save your snot! Sam:  You're a weird kid! Sam:  You got another robe I could wear?  You know, one that doesn't make me look like a vomiting rainbow. Cat:  [loudly into a megaphone]  I'm stopping my vehicle! Cat:  Hi!  What's wrong? Young boy:  We can't find our cat. Cat:  Shut up, my name is Cat! Young boy:  Can you help us find our cat? Sam:  How much Bieber did you sniff?! Sam:  And why is there a battery in my burrito? Sam:  Let's see.  You have red hair and I'm blonde, so I get 130 and you get no-hundred and 20.  [gives Cat $20] Cat:  Ooo, thank you! Cat:  We have to give him C-3PO! Sam:  CPR? Cat:  Okay, we'll try that first! Cat:  Where's my Nona?! Cat:  Is it okay if she stays here with us tonight? Nona:  Hmm…sure. I assume you don't have a prison record.  [laughs with Cat] Sam:  Yeah…you assume that. Cat:  Who's gonna make me soup? Nona:  You can learn. Cat:  I can? Nona:  Sure, you just open the can, pour it into a bowl, and put it in the microwave. Cat:  Wait, slow down… Cat:  You left the baby in the bush!? Sam:  I'm getting the baby! Cat:  Bye!  [gum falls out of her mouth and into a trash can]  Dang it!  My gum fell out of my mouth! Cat: I'm gonna faint. I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna fuke! Sam: How was school? Cat: Learn-y. Cat: Oh, my gosh, that was so much fun! Sam: Not so much for this guy. [picks up a dead rat and throws it away] Sam: Hey! Quit sniffing the Biebs. Cat: I can't help it! He smells so talented! [Cat starts tickling Sam on the motorcycle] Sam: Don't tickle me. [Cat stops, puts her fingers in Sam's ears] Sam: Take your fingers out of my ears. [Cats removes fingers, starts drumming on Sam's helmet with her hands] Sam: This is gonna be a long ride. #FavoriteShow [1.02] Cat:  Our first real customer!  Now we're professional babysitters!  Shh!  Just be cool, he doesn't have to know we're new at this. Sam:  He's three feet away. [Cat turns around and the customer waves at her] Cat:  Woop woop woop!  Shh!  Be cool! Sam:  I'll try to control myself. Sam:  Try to escape, eh?  Well, now you go in the hole, see?  [eats the bone rib] Sam:  Okay, Math.  Let's see.  [looks at the t.v.]  Channel two plus channel five equals channel seven. Sam:  That show was a big hit!  What kind of t.v. network cancels a big hit?! Cat:  It's insane!  They're not even gonna do a big final episode! Sam:  What?! Little boy:  Can someone read me a story? Cat:  No. Little boy:  Is toothpaste a vegetable? Sam:  No. Little boy:  Can I jump off the roof? Sam & Cat:  Yes. Sam:  Look, on t.v. shows, they don't own a usual pear computer, so they change the pear to a banana. Cat:  Oh!  That's so clever. [door bell goes "ding dong"] Cat:  Ding dong. Sam:  Why'd you do that? Cat:  Do what? Dice:  Aww, you're sweet. Sam:  [removes Dice's hat, pulls him toward her by his shirt]  Never call me sweet. Sam:  You know what you need? Cat:  My own unicorn? #TheBritBrats [1.03] Ruby:  Wait! Nona:  Yes? Gwen:  We want to buy that card. Cat:  But I'm buying it.  Here's my $5. Gwen:  I'll give you $10 for that card. Cat:  I'll pay you $50 for that card. Gwen:  $100! Cat:  $200! Nona:  [brings her hand up to her heart]  Ugh, my pace maker! Gwen:  Alright, I'll buy that bingo card for $500! [everyone in the room gasps] Nona:  I'm sorry, but I have to sell the card to this little foreign girl. Cat:  But…but…but… Ruby:  Yes! [the two girls walk off, then they turn around and blow raspberries at Cat] Sam:  The next number is…G41. [everyone awws] Gwen:  Yes!  Look, Ruby, we got another one! Ruby:  We should go to Vegas! Sam:  Okay, the next number is… [sarcastically trying to trick everyone, especially the two little girls] …ahh, there's a scratch on this number; I should probably just throw this one in the trash— Gwen:  Just say the number! Ruby:  Get on with it! Sam:  …B7. Gwen & Ruby:  Bingo!! [everyone awws] Gwen:  We just won a giant television machine! Ruby:  Wooo! Cop:  [enters whistling]  Okay, this is a raid. [everyone gasps] Nona:  We are being raided? Cop:  This is an illegal bingo game. Sam:  Since when is bingo illegal? Cop:  When you're giving away a prize worth over $2,000. Sam:  Cat!  You're running an illegal bingo game! Cat:  But it was Nona's idea! Nona:  I don't even know these girls! Cat:  That snack…that snack she's eating!  Is she eating… [grabs the little girl eating bibble, smells her breath] Ruby:  Bibble! [Cat lets go, walks backwards screaming] Gwen:  You want some? Cat:  No!  Yes!  I mean, how much bibble do you have?! Gwen:  We brought a big tin jug of it… Ruby:  …from England. [Cat screams, picks up and hugs both of the little girls] Cat:  I'm baaaaaack!!  [runs with her jug of bibble to the kitchen]  I got bibble!  I got bibble!!  I'm back and I got bibble!!  Woooooooo!! Dice:  Did you get my money back? Cat:  Yes!  At first. Sam:  And then what? Cat:  And then, they had this big tin jug of bibble which I bought!  Where's my spife?  [looks and finds her spife]  There's my spife!  [starts to open the jug of bibble] Sam:  Wait, how much did you spend on that can? Cat:  The can was free; I just paid for the bibble inside. Dice:  How much? Cat:  $500!  Plus my bike!  [points at Dice]  Don't judge me.  [carries on opening the bibble] Sam:  You gave those little Brit brats all Dice's money?! Cat:  And my bike!  Everybody clear?  Everybody up to speed?  I hope so 'cause I gotta eat me some bibble!  [opens the tin jug to find a load of cotton swabs] Cat:  Cotton swabs?! Cat:  I fell off my bike, but I don't think I broke any of my parts. Cat:  So what do you guys wanna do? Gwen:  Oh, anything would be lovely. Ruby:  Lovely. Cat:  We could make some tea. Sam:  You could do our laundry. Cat:  We could play games. Sam:  You could rub my feet. Cat:  We could sing songs. Sam:  While you rub my feet. Dice:  Those little girls were supposed to sell me five new Pear Phone sixes.  And they sold me rocks.  Rocks! Cat:  They're nice rocks. Dice:  Who cares? Cat:  Any rock collector would. #NewGoat [1.04] Cat:  Is that my toothbrush? Sam:  Would I have a toothbrush that did this? [music starts playing from the toothbrush, Cat starts dancing] [doorbell] Sam:  Here, pick a channel.  Nothing educational. [the goat changes the t.v. channel; Sam opens the entrance door] Sam:  Yeah? Dilben:  Let me in. Sam:  Why? Dilben:  Thank you.  [watches a goat in the sofa]  Ahoy!  I knew I smelled an animal. Sam:  Ahoy? Dilben:  You're not allowed to have that beast in this building. Sam:  Why are you wearing a cape? Dilben:  Because I am. Sam:  Are you a magician? Dilben:  No. Sam:  Superhero? Dilben:  No.  I wear a cape because I like capes. Sam:  Weirdos like capes. Dilben:  [shows the printed papers]  See this here? Sam:  No. Dilben:  This paper. Sam:  Did something poop on your forehead? Dilben:  I command you to listen to me! [Sam places two donuts on her ears] Dilben:  This says, "Residents of this building may keep cats or small dogs.  No other animals allowed." Sam:  Are caped weirdos allowed? Dilben:  You're new to this building, aren't you? Sam:  Kinda. Dilben:  Well, I happen to be a big deal around here.  And you have one day to get rid of that goat. Sam:  That's not a goat. Dilben:  Is, too. Sam:  It's a cat. Dilben:  That's a lie. Sam:  It's a small dog. Dilben:  Another lie! Sam:  So you have no friends? Dilben:  Irrelevant!  Sign this, to show that you've been warned about your goat. Sam:  I'm not signing anything. Dilben:  You will sign it!  Or I won't leave.  [the next scene depicts Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  How dare you put my shirt around my waist and my pants around my torso! Sam:  Thanks for stopping by. Dilben:  You give me back my cape! Sam:  No. Dilben:  Why not?! Sam:  Because young boys shouldn't wear capes.  [closes door] Dilben:  [leaving]  Sherlock Holmes wore a cape. [someone knocks the door twice] Cat:  Come in, Dice. Dilben:  I'm not Dice.  I'm— Sam:  Get out. Cat:  No.  Um, hi, Dilben!  Come in.  Would you like a muffin? Dilben:  I spit on your muffins. Cat:  You should try butter. Dilben:  Your goat is still here. Sam:  It's not our goat. Cat:  We're just babysitting him. Dilben:  Yeah, right. Sam:  Hey, you got another cape. Dilben:  I wanna speak to your grandmother. Cat:  My Nona? Dilben:  Get her. Sam:  She doesn't live here anymore. Dilben:  Whaaat? Cat:  She moved to Elderly Acres. Sam:  Yup. Dilben:  Interesting.  And who else lives here with you two? Cat:  Nobody. Dilben:  Delicious. Sam:  What are you yammin' about? Dilben:  Building rules!  All apartments must have at least one adult resident.  And since you're both in high school, and you're keeping a goat!  My father has two reasons to throw you out!  [tries to leave the house but Sam interrupts him] Sam:  Dilben. Dilben:  Yeeees. Sam:  Before you go… [the next scene shows Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, once again kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  Enjoy your Saturday. Dilben:  I still have one more cape! Sam:  Suck a truck.  [closes door] Dilben:  [leaving]  I will not suck a truck!  Or enjoy my Saturday! Sam:  [opens door]  Alright, Dilben, you can have your cape back!  [Dilben runs to the door trying to get his cape back]  Whoops!  [closes the door; Dilben fails and leaves] Nona:  Call Dr. Stanky. Cat:  Dr. Stanky! Sam:  Use your phone. Cat:  Boys, boys, boys!  Fighting is never the answer!  Now let's try using our words. Cat:  You know what they say, "Easy like a goat." Sam:  Who says that? Cat:  The goat keepers? [doorbell] Cat:  Ding dong. Sam:  Ugh!  That's Dilben. Cat:  Okay, Goomer, are you ready? Goomer:  Yep.  I'm Uncle live here, and I'm you. Cat:  No!  You're our uncle and you live here! Goomer:  Uncle Fudge. Sam and Cat:  No! Cat:  [opens the entrance door]  Hi, Dilben.  This must be your dad. Dilben's father:  May we come in? Cat:  Well, sure. Sam:  Just get in the shower with the goat and make sure he stays there. Dice:  I don't wanna get in the shower with a goat! Sam:  Shower with the goat! Dice:  Oh! Sam:  Bleh! [Dice runs to the bathroom] Dilben's father:  So my son tells me that you're living here with a goat. Sam:  Not anymore. Cat:  No more goat. Dilben:  They had a goat. Sam:  Well, now we don't. Cat:  Sam! Dilben:  And they're living here by themselves without a proper grown-up. Sam:  By ourselves? Cat:  Uncle Goomer?  [Goomer doesn't want to respond as he wishes to be called "Uncle Fudge"] Sam:  Uncle Fudge? Goomer:  Oh, hi.  I'm their uncle, and I live here. Cat:  With us. Goomer:  With them. Sam:  And he's twenty-seven. Cat:  Yup, wanna see his I.D.? Sam:  They don't need to see his I.D. Dilben's father:  I would like to see his I.D. Goomer:  Sure, I got it right here in my pants. Sam:  You don't need to show them your I.D. Goomer:  Here it is. [the goat bleats, runs to the room; Dice runs after it] Dice:  Murf!  Come back here! Dilben:  Ahoy! Dilben's father:  That's a goat! Sam:  Well, thanks for swinging by. Dilben's father:  Now this says you live in Van Nuys. Goomer:  Well…I'm so ashamed. Dilben:  Ha!  You girls are outta here. Cat:  But this is our home! Sam:  Look if you want us outta here then you're gonna have to call the cops. Unknown man:  [enters]  Dilben?  Are you in here?  Dilben! Dilben:  Uh, what?!  I've never seen that man before in my life; go away, dad—uh…stranger. Sam:  Who are you? Unknown man:  Dilben's father. Dilben:  No! Cat:  Well, then who's this man? Dilben's fake father:  All right then.  I can clear this up.  [runs out the house, scared] Sam:  What is going on? Cat:  This is getting kinda weird. Goomer:  I'm Uncle Fudge. Sam:  Shut up. Dilben's true father:  Has Dilben been telling you that his father owns this building? Cat:  Uh-huh. Sam:  Yeah. Dilben's true father:  Well, I don't. Sam:  You're really his father? Dilben's true father:  That's right.  He's embarrassed of me because of my job. Cat:  What's your job? Dilben's true father:  I sell— Dilben:  Don't say it! Dilben's true father:  I sell wide shoes to wide-footed women. Dilben:  Oh, no!  Aaah!  [sits on the sofa, embarrassed] Sam:  Yowza. Cat:  Why is it such a big deal? Dilben:  You think it's easy being unlikable and having a dad, who sells wide shoes to wide-footed women?! Dilben's true father:  You think it's fun for me, having a son who wears capes?! Dilben:  They're fashionable! Sam:  Okay, ho ho hold on.  So…you're just an annoying kid who lives in this building? Dilben's true father:  He certainly is. Cat:  And you just sell wide shoes? Dilben's true father:  To wide-footed women, yes. Sam:  Well, since neither of you have any power over us… [the next scene shows Dilben and his true father with their shirts around their waists and their pants over their heads, kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  Bye!  [closes door] Cat:  Murf sneezed on Goomer. Goomer:  Bad dog. #TextingCompetition [1.05] Cat:  She's always texting me about wazzing. Sam:  Sometimes while I'm wazzing. Mrs. Torso:  I thought I told you not to come. Sam:  You did. Mrs. Torso:  Then, why are you here? Sam:  Oh, because we don't care what you say. Cat:  [laughs]  She's so disrespectful! Cat:  Vice President of what? Sam:  I think it's the Vice President of America. Cat:  Oh.  Do we know what his name is? Sam:  Nah, we're just high school students. Cat:  In school, we learned the ancient Indians used to weave rugs. Mrs. Torso:  What are you, dumb? Sam:  Hey! Weave her alone. Cat:  [Laughs] She is all up in your business! #BabysitterWar [1.06] Sam:  That red headed girl is done with her food. Bugles:  Understood! [Takes Cat's food] Cat:  No! [Angry at Sam] You lied to a robot! Cat:  Look, there's a naked robot! Sam:  Where? #GoomerSitting [1.07] Cat: It's a machine! Sam: Please don't show me what it does. Cat: Watch what it does! [flips the switch] See? I flipped the switch, and then the machine flipped it back to its original position. Sam: Please don't show me again. Cat: Watch again! Cat: I want five yo-yos. Dice: You can have one yo-yo. Cat: Five! Dice: Four! Cat: Three! Dice: Two! Cat: One! Dice: Okay, one yo-yo. Cat: Haha, sucker! #ToddlerClimbing [1.08] Sam:  We're ceiling inspectors. Cat:  Here to check your ceiling. Sam:  It's the overhead kind. Put a check by that. Cat:  Check by that! #MommaGoomer [1.09] Sam:(to Goomer) What do we call your mom? Cat: Oh, yeah, what's her last name? Goomer: Same as mine: Merr. So just call her Mrs. Merr. Sam: Wait, your last name is Merr? Goomer: Yeah, my Daddy was French, so my first name is Gieux, and my last name is Merr. See? Gieux Merr. Sam: Gieux. Cat: Merr. Like what those three wise guys brought baby Jesus. Sam: (to Sikowitz) We need to use this classroom. Sikowitz: You strike me as pushy. Cat: She can be pushy. Sam: I can also be punchy and kicky. Sam and Cat's Super Rockin' Fun Time Babysitting Service #RevengeOfTheBritBrats [1.11] Cat:  That makes sense, even to me! Nona:  These pork fingers are so spicy! Oh! My mouth is on fire! Oh! Bugles:  [sprays Nona with fire extinguisher] Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! #MotorcycleMystery [1.12] Goomer:  Where's your motorcycle? Sam:  Oh, it's right over—[sees motorcycle is gone] Sam:  [violently shakes Cat] CAAAAAAAT! WAKE UP! Where is my motorcycle?! WHERE...IS...MY...MOTORCYCLE?!?! Sam:  Hey!  This is America—you speak either English or Spanish! Cat:  Excuse me!  I am looking for an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember.  Has anyone seen an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember? #SecretSafe [1.13] Sam:  Anyway, don't look at it like we're babysitting ya.  You'll just be, like, crashing here with your two cool teenage buds. Cat:  Cat and Sam. Sam:  I don't like it when you say it that way. Cat:  Sam and Cat. Sam:  Better. Sam:  Hello!  Dice!  You still there?  If you let us out now, I promise I won't break both of your legs! Cat:  Hey, Sam.  Try to open the door to the safe so we can get outta here! Sam:  Wow, why didn't I think of that? Goomer:  What's the combination? Cat:  Nine oh two nine one! Sam:  That's our zip code. Cat:  Five seven three two Sam:  That's your phone number. Cat:  I give up. #OscarTheOuch [1.14] Cat: (to Oscar) But babysitting is supposed to make kids happy. Don't you wanna be happy? Oscar: I don't know. What's it like? Cat: Did you hear that? Sam: You hear this? (snores) [Whenever he gets injured] Oscar: Predicament! Mrs. Lurkin: Come on, Oscar. I'm taking you away from these irresponsible girls. Oscar: No. Mrs. Lurkin: What? Oscar: First, you apologize to Sam and Cat. Mrs. Lurkin: Apologize? For what? Oscar: For shouting at them after they gave me the best day of my life. Yeah, I got hurt, real bad, but for the first time of my life, I actually had fun. Cat: We had fun with you too, Oscar. Sam: Kinda. Mrs. Lurkin: Oscar, what is your point? Oscar: That living life trying new things is worth getting a little hurt sometimes. Cat: Yeah, haven't you heard the 47 songs about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? #DollSitting [1.15] Sam: I don't want to babysit. Cat: We're getting paid double. Sam: I like this plan. Sam: Is there a spell in there that can turn my mom into a woman with a job? #PeezyB [1.16] Peezy B (to Sam): Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's your name, Goldilocks? Sam: Puckett. Peezy B: Well, guess what, Puckett? Sam: What? Peezy B: You got swag and you got spunk. You got that swaggy spunk! #SalmonCat [1.17] Narrator (on Dice's laptop screen):  Heeeeeeeeyyyy kkkkkiiiiiddddssss.  It's time for the wet and wacky world of Salmon Cat.  Today's episode is about SSSSSHHHHHAAAAAARRRIIIINNNNNNGGGG. Sam:  [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Ugh.  This is TTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE. Cat:  [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Shh!  I like it! Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):  Meow meow meow meow meow.  I've got a whole bag of candy! Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):  Oink, oink, oink!  Hi there, Salmon Cat! Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):  Hi there, Octo Piggy! Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):  Can I have some candy? Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):  Noooooooooo. Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):  But I was hoping you would SSSSSHHHHHHAAAAAARRRREEEE some of your candy with me! Sam:  [sick of the show]  Okay.  I can't watch any more of this trash. #Twinfection [1.18] Cat: Well, what movie did you see? Sam: "Blood Monkeys: Chimpley Strikes Back." Cat: [gasps] That's rated R! Sam: So? Randy: [angrily] That movie messed me up, man! Cat: Well, I am really smart. Sam: [spits out her drink and laughs] Say that again! Cat: I said, "I am really smart". Sam: [spits out her drink and laughs again] Melanie: Now, why did I have to come here? Sam: 'Cause I need to mess with my roommate's head. Melanie: Okay...so I'm supposed to be you. [points at Sam] Sam: No! You're gonna be evil, insane, wild, and dangerous. Melanie: So...you. Sam: Me...times a hundred. Melanie: Wait, you mean the "twinfection" thing? Sam: Uh-huh. Melanie: Oh, Sam, you know no one's dumb enough to fall for that. Sam: [laughs] Let me tell you a little about my roommate. [smiles] Sam: I tricked Cat, I tricked Cat, I'm so cool 'cause I tricked Cat! [Myron and Byron jump up and start dancing] I tricked Cat with my twin sister! Cat: What are- Sam: Her name is Melanie and she's dancing too! Cat: What are they doing here? Sam: I don't know! #MyPoober [1.19] Cat: (to Ellie) Let's make a deal. How about we buy you any two desserts you want and you throw Poober in the toilet? Sam: Hey, Cat? Cat: Hey. Sam: How did Ellie know that our money was in the pineapple? Cat: [nervously changes the subject] Umm....oh, Spanish Talk Radio! I wonder what they're saying, I'll turn it up. Oh. Sam: [turns off the radio] Cat: I know I shouldn't have told Ellie about the pineapple, but it seemed like a good move at the time. Sam: Dang it, Cat! #MadAboutShoe [1.20] Doctor:  Nurse, what is your name? Sam:  Sally Meatballs. [Jumps out window] Stacey:  I'm suspicious. #MagicATM [1.21] Cat:  Officer. Officer. Could you turn on the radio? Officer Kelvin:  Yeah, sure. Hey, and maybe later, we'll go get some pizza and go to the mall and meet some boys. Cat:  I think he's being sarcastic. Sam:  [sarcastic] No! Cat:  Sam? Sam:  What? Cat:  Could you please pull over so I could put on my seat belt? Sam:  No! Sam:  Get the keys from the cop? Cat:  Okay. Which one? Sam:  The one I'm sitting on! #Lumpatious [1.22] Lucas: (to his brother Jepson) Why you got to be so... lumpatious?! Woman: Hmm, do you have an appointment? Cat: Yeah, I made one online. Woman: Cat Valentine and Samantha Pookay? Sam: It's Puckett. Woman: My screen says Pookay. Cat: I'm pretty sure it's Pookay. Sam: Shouldn't I know? Cat: Yeah, you should! #TheKillerTunaJump: #Freddie #Jade #Robbie [1.23] Dice: I'm in major trouble here. Sam: No, you're not! 'Cause I'm gonna jump the tuna. Dice: [grateful] Yes. Cat: You promised me you wouldn't. Sam: Oh, what do you care? You can't like me very much if you're gonna flirt with my ex-boyfriend right in front of my face. Cat: W-well you flirted with Robbie right in front of my face. Sam: Oh, you mean like this? Mmm… that was some tasty Robbie. Cat: Y'know what? Jump your stupid motorcycle over the tuna fish. Freddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounds dangerous. Cat: It is… and I don't care what happens to you. Cat: I thought you guys were fighting. Sam: Why would we be fighting? Cat: Well, you're both anti-social misfits, filled with anger and rage. Jade: Wait. Is that why you haven't invited me over ever since you moved in? Sam: And why you never wanted me to meet her? Cat: Yeah. Jade: What'd you think would happen? Cat: Murder. Jade: Do you wanna murder me? Sam: No, I'm good. Nona: Who are those boys in the water? Jade: It's Frobbie! Somebody save Frobbie! Freddie: Please don't call us that! Cat: [Screams excessively until fainting] Robbie: If you love Sam, why have you been going around Los Angeles fadoodling with Cat? Freddie: I have not been "fadoodling" with Cat. Cat: [Raises hands] You could've if you wanted to! #YayDay [1.24] Sam: Ah, all right. I'll buy everyone a present for Yay Day. Cat: Me too? Sam: Swear no snooping? Cat: Yes. Cross my bra. #BrainCrush [1.25] Sam:  Do we have a hammer? Cat:  No. Sam:  [begins banging head into the door] Cat:  Sam, don't do that!  Use this. Sam:  I asked you if we had one of those! Cat:  You asked me if we had a hammer. Sam:  Well, what do you call that? Cat:  A nail banger! #BlueDogSoda [1.26] State regulator: What are you two, a couple of dummies? Blue Dog Soda has been banned in California! Cat: Banned?! Sam: Whaaaaaat?! Cat: Why? State regulator: 'Cause there's too much sugar in it and thanks to me, the State Bureau of Interference has passed a law: It is now illegal to sell or to drink Blue Dog Soda. Sam: That's insane! Cat: That's our favorite beverage. State regulator: Too bad! Did you know that some people drink 10-12 bottles of this junk per day? Cat: Well, we don't! Sam: Yeah, but we drink, like, 1 or 2 a week! State regulator: Yeah, well, some people drink too much of it. Sam: So? Just 'cause some people drink too much of it, now nobody can have any? State regulator: That's right! Because the public is too stupid to be trusted with things that they enjoy! Chinese Woman: Wǒ bù xǐhuān nǐ shuōhuà de fāngshì! Wánquán bù hélǐ! ("I don't like the way you talk! It's completely unreasonable!") State regulator: Shut up! Worker Holding Box of Blue Dog: I'll take it myself. Another Worker: Hey, watch out! (Worker holding box of Blue Dog falls and spills all the Blue Dog) Sam: [shrieks] State regulator: So, you girls babysit? Cat: Yeah. Sam: Why, you gonna ban us from babysitting now, too? State regulator: Nah. I have a kid, and I don't like him. So, maybe I'll dump him on you two for a while. Sam: Pretty soon, we're gonna have all the Blue Dog Soda we want. Cat: How? Goomer: Harh. Sam: I'm makin' it. I went online and did a ton of research, and pretty soon, I'm gonna have the exact formula. Sam: We're making Blue Dog Soda as a protest. This is about doing what's right! Dice: What do you mean? Cat: Well, it's wrong that there are people out there who want to butt into everybody's business and tell us what we can and can't have! Sam: Exactly. Dice: Okay. So, then, what's the plan here? Sam: We make enough Blue Dog Soda for ourselves and to sell to anyone who wants some. Sam: [opens the door] It was Cat. Cat: SAM!!! State regulator: Look, are you two babysitters or not? Sam: Listen, buddy, unless you got a warrant, you can't just come in here and b—babysitters? State regulator: Yeah. Remember the flier? It said you two babysit. Cat: We do. State regulator: Good. [to Mitch] Mitch, get in here! [to Sam and Cat] This is my boy, Mitch. And I thought that maybe you two could babysit him for a few hours. Sam: Oh, so you came here just 'cause you want us to babysit your kid? State regulator: Yeah. And he's not much trouble. He just likes—what d'you like? Mitch: Television, football, cheese. State regulator: That sort of stuff. Mitch: Why can't I just stay with you? State regulator: Well, because Daddy has to go find some bad people and put them in jail. Cat: What bad people? State regulator: Somebody has been making illegal Blue Dog Soda and selling it. Sam: No, those "jerks." Cat: Yeah, "jerks." State regulator: We don't know who it is, yet, but some genius copied the formula. Cat (to Sam): Genius. State regulator: We're gonna find 'em, we're gonna bust 'em, and we're gonna shut 'em down. Sam: Okay. Cat: You do that. Mitch: How come? State regulator: 'Cause sugar is bad. Sam: Okay, so, you, uh, gonna shut down the people who make grape juice? 'Cause grape juice has a lot more sugar in it than soda has. State regulator: Uh, n-no it doesn't. Sam: Yeah, it does. Cat: Grape juice has lots more sugar than soda. Sam: So, you gonna ban grape juice? State regulator: L-look, I am not interested in facts! So, anyway, I'll be back to pick up the kid later. Mitch: I love you, Daddy. State regulator: Don't embarrass me. State regulator: You Blue Dog Soda punks are in serious trouble! Sam: Why? State regulator: Why?! Sam: What's your problem? Cat: Yeah, what's wrong with making a tasty soda that everybody loves? Dice: Which we wouldn't have had to do if you hadn't banned Blue Dog Soda in the first place! Goomer: Has anybody seen the butt-scratcher? Cat: What's your problem with Blue Dog? State regulator: My problem is that some people drink too much of it and that's not healthy. Sam: So? Some people eat too many sandwiches; you gonna ban sandwiches? Cat: Oh, and roller coasters! What if a kid decided to ride roller coasters all day long everyday? He'd flunk out of school! Dice: You gonna ban roller coasters? Sam: And what about sleeping? I mean, if a person sleeps way too long, they're gonna wake up in a pile of their own poop. Cat: You gonna ban sleeping? Goomer: And pooping? Dice: And what about hugs? Sam: Right! Dice: If you hug someone real tight for too long, you could kill 'em. Goomer: That is true. Sam: So, maybe you should ban hugging. Dice: Why don't you just ban everything? Cat: Yeah! Because too much of anything could be bad for you, but it's not fair to punish everybody. Sam: Just 'cause some people can't control themselves. Goomer: Don't you think people oughta be free to choose? Cat: This is America. Dice: The 7th-smartest country in the world. Sam: And we don't need people like you telling everybody what we can and can't do. [the audience cheers. The State Regulator sits down, crying] Mitch: Dad, what's wrong? State regulator: They're right! I'm so stupid! Sam: To Blue Dog! Cat: And to freedom! [the quartet celebrates their victory with bottles of Blue Dog Soda] #BlooperEpisode [1.27] People: Ariana, will you take our picture? Ariana Grande (Cat): Uh… sure. Wait, you don't want me in the picture, right? People: No. Oh, no. We want a picture with Jennette. Jennette McCurdy (Sam): Oh, yeah. L.O.L. #FresnoGirl [1.28] Sam: Did you get a B? Kim: [sadly] No. [happily] I got an A! Cat: We trickered you into thinking she failed! Sam: Ah, so I guess you want money now. Matyoo: [laughs] Yes. [picks up Pear Pad] Your total with tax comes to $156.20 Cat: What?! [Sam coughs] Matyoo: Is there an issue? Cat: $150!? Sam: For a doll?! Matyoo: For a Fresno Girl doll. Sam: My mom's had butt surgery that didn't cost that much! Kim: You guys, if it's too much money, you don't have to buy Gabriella for me. I'm used to being disappointed. #StuckInABox [1.29] Sam: [walks in the apartment and sees Cat pedaling her bike which is hanging from the ceiling] Whoa! Not the weirdest thing I've ever walked in on here. Goomer: [riding Cat's bike that's hanging from the ceiling] Look at me! I'm going nowhere! Sam: Yeah, that pretty much sums up your life. Sam: (to Dice) Dice, go clean up our kitchen. Dice: No! Sam: Then why are you here? #SuperPsycho [1.30] Cat: Hey! Who wants to try my hot crapple pie? Sam: Let's answer together. Dice: Let's sing the answer. Dice and Sam: [sings] Nobody. #DroneBabyDrone [1.31] Nona: Flying robits?! Sam: Robits? Cat: That's what she calls robots. Sam: Why would she call robots robits? Dice: 'Cause she's old. Nona: [sprays Dice with a hose. She smiles] I may be old, but who's wet? Cat: Do you guys hear that? Sam: The drone! [Everyone runs to the door] Cat: I don't see it! Sam: Me, neither. Dice: Maybe it's coming from the other way. [Everyone runs to the other door] Cat: Oh, I see it! Sam: That's the moon! Cat: Dang it! Nona: Over there! Sam: There it is! Cat: OMG! Hi, drone Dice: It's so cool Sam: Man, it's coming pretty fast. Cat: Real fast. Nona: Where is it gonna land? [Drone smashes through window] Cat: It's here! Sam: Beef stick. Cat: Enormous man's underpants. Drone: Thank you for shopping at Zappathon.com. Dice: How great is technology? #FirstClassProblems [1.32] Sam: Okay, here's your water. Kelly: What's this? Sam: Oh, it's from France. It's called "Aqua Toilette." Philip: France. Merci. Cat: "Toilette." That kinda sounds like toilet. [Sam whispers in Cat's ear] Cat: Oh, God. Cat: Hot rags! ID Checker: Shut Up! Security Woman: Bags on the belt. Shoes off. Cat: Excuse me! I'm assuming those in First Class don't have to take off their shoes. Security Woman: Yes, you do. Cat: But the floor looks really dirty and sticky. Sam: I got this. [Sam lifts Cat onto conveyor belt and takes off Cat's shoes] #KnockOut [1.33] Cat: (about Rita Rooney) But-but that's a girl. Goomer: Yeah, the meanest girl in the world. She's cruel. Dice: Wait, you're saying that the person picking on you is a girl? Sam: [pushes him] Shut up. Dice: Ow. #WeStealARockStar [1.34] Sam: Hey, you! [approaches Brody] Uh, can I borrow your spear gun? Brody: I don't know. Are you a fellow spear fisherman? Sam: [imitates Brody] No, no! I am a spear fisherwoman! #GettinWiggy [1.35] [last lines of the series'YOU'RE THE BEST ROOMMATE EVER DON'T LEAVE PLZ] [in Nona's apartment] Sam: Hey, Nona. What goes…? Hey, what are you doing? Nona: Well, I'm getting ready to go back to Elderly Acres. Sam: What? No! What? No. You can't leave! Well, come on! What's for dinner? I mean, let's go, right? Mac and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese, huh? Nona: I got a phone call. I can go back now. The funk mites are gone. Sam: Well, that's great, but— Nona: And Cat's coming home tonight, and she's going to need her bed back. Sam: But… but I don't want you to leave! Nona: Oh, honey. You'll be all right. Sam: [sobs] No, I won't! Nona: Sam. [Pearphone rings] I think that's your phone ringing. Sam: [answers Pearphone] Who is it? Dice: Sam? Sam: What do you want? Dice: I got good news and bad news. Sam: What? Dice: Well, the good news is I got the cover of the magazine. Sam: Wow. Yeah, great. What's the bad news? Dice: One of the other boys is being taken to a scalp hospital. Sam: That's it? Dice: No, Cat's being arrested. [The police puts handcuffs on Cat] Cat: I mean, it really looks like a wig. Sam: Wait, Cat was really arrested? Dice: Yes. You got to get Nona to come to Arizona and bail her out, or else Cat's going to be in jail for 2 weeks. Sam: Really? Okay, I'll try to tell Nona if I can. Bye. Dice: Bye. Nona: Who was that? Sam: Oh, that was Dice and Cat. Nona: Oh, are they coming back here? Sam: Um, no. Nona: What's going on? Sam: [lying] They decide to stay in Phoenix for 2 more weeks, so Cat says you should stay here and take care of me until she gets back. Nona: Really? Sam: I promise. Nona: Well, I guess I better start dinner then. [laughs] Sam: Yep. Yes, you should. [starts lying on the couch] Cast Jennette McCurdy as Sam Puckett Ariana Grande as Cat Valentine Cameron Ocasio as Dice Maree Cheatham as Nona Zoran Korach as Goomer External links Category:2010s American teen sitcoms Category:2010s Nickelodeon original series Category:American television spin-offs Category:American sequel TV shows Category:Cancelled shows Category:Nickelodeon sitcoms Category:TeenNick shows